07x02 - Pig In The Middle

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

MUSIC: 'Born to Be Wild' by Steppenwolf

MUSIC ON RADIO: 'Minuet in A Major' by Boccherini

WOMAN HUMS

VEHICLE APPROACHING

♪ Yeah, darlin' gonna make it happen

♪ Take the world in a love embrace

♪ Yeah, darlin' gonna make it happen... ♪

MAN LAUGHS

Oh, God.

Hey, be a good girl.



- Going somewhere nice?

- Fish and chips, I expect.

Probably end up at the Aidensfield Arms later.

Nick... how is Jo?

Well, she's still pretty cut up.

Hardly surprising, I suppose. Only...

What?

At the end of the day, she is still her mother.

So?

If she and Jo continue like this,

it's bound to cast a shadow

over what should be a happy time for you both.

I don't know what I can do about it, Eileen.

Some things are best tackled sooner rather than later.

Open wounds tend to fester.

It's paid for, Claude.



- It's somebody's birthday?

- Yours, I'd say.



- Who's done that, then?

- The lady over there.

By 'eck! Ellen Highwater!

It's a long time since anybody called me that, Claude.

You must have quietened down a bit.

THEY LAUGH

How long has it been? years, ?

Well, it feels like that sometimes.

You've not changed much, you know.

You always did know how to flatter a girl, didn't you, Claude?

Sounds like me.

♪ And he comes back home at five

-thirty

♪ Gets the same train every time

♪ Cos his world is built round punctuality

♪ It never fails

♪ And he's oh, so good

♪ And he's oh, so fine

♪ And he's oh, so healthy

♪ In his body and his mind

♪ He's a well respected man about town

♪ Doing the best things so conservatively ♪

Have you seen what's been dumped outside?

One could hardly miss it!

And you just stood there and let them do it?!

What was I supposed to do, hurl myself under the wheels?

You do appreciate what this looks like for a man in my position?

What, special constable in darkest Yorkshire!

What do you know about it, woman?!

Don't you dare call me woman!

I bet you wouldn't call her woman!

I'm not going to listen to anymore of this rubbish!

Something needs to be done about that!

Will this help?



- Hello, Meg.

- Thanks, Claude.

Here you are, love.

GROANS

You realise you've still not told me what you're doing back here.

I was going to pay a surprise visit to my old friend, Monica Ashurst.

You'll need to do it through a medium.

She's been in the graveyard for six months.

So I've just found out.

You'd have thought somebody would have told me.

Now I'm stranded here. No way of getting back to Sheffield tonight.

Any more news about George?

Not good. Me auntie Mary said he's really poorly.

Could be a bit of a long job, by the sound of it.

Poor old thing.



- Can you cope on your own?

- Just about.

Nick's been dropping in to see if everything's all right.

So that helps a bit.

Well, that's something, I suppose.

Mind you, from the look of him, his mind's on other things these days.

Yeah.

It must have come as a bit of a shock,

finding out she was getting a copper for a son

-in

-law.

I don't see why. And even if it did, so what?

As far as I'm concerned, if that's how she feels, she can lump it.

And that's what I'll tell Dad tomorrow.

Are you seeing him?

He rang up to say he'd come over after work to discuss a few things.

Like what?

Pretty obvious, isn't it?

You shouldn't be like that with your parents, Jo.

What do you want me to do, Nick?

Pick up the phone and beg Mum's forgiveness?

Just let the dust settle a bit, OK?

You're going to have enough to worry about,

getting ready for the big event, right?

I suppose so.

I can have a word with Gina here if you like.

See if she's got a room free here.

I can't afford to stay here.

I suppose there's always the waiting room at the station.

Well, you don't have to do that.

I mean, I've got a spare room at my place I rent out now and again.

You know, I wouldn't charge you, naturally.

Oh, Claude, that'd be wonderful.

Well, I wouldn't go too raving mad until you've seen it.

I mean, it's not exactly the guest wing of Windsor Castle.



- But, I mean, if you're stuck...

- Well, I am.

Drink up and I'll take you for a shufty.

CHAINSAW WHIRRS

Excuse me!

I said, excuse me!

Well, if it isn't Aidensfield's very own answer to Fabian of the Yard.



- I want a word, madam.

- Oh, yes?

About that muck you dumped on my drive.



- Which muck?

- You know which!

Look, Cowley. If you can prove it was us did it, then get on with it.

Only I reckon you can't, or you'd have brought a real bobby with you.

I'll have the pair of you drummed out of this village,

if it's the last thing on earth I do!

Well, then. Let's just hope it doesn't ever come to that.

Eh, Cowley, love?

CHAINSAW WHIRRS

Well, this is it. What do you think?

Oh, no, this'll be fine, Claude.

Hey, it's like It Happened One Night, is this.

How do you mean?

You know, that old picture with Clarke Gable.



- Oh, aye.

- Those were the days, eh?

You and me in the cuddling seats, back row of the Roxy?

That were you, were it? I often wondered who it was.

Hey! CLAUDE LAUGHS

♪ The changing

♪ Of sunlight

♪ To moonlight

♪ Reflections of my life

♪ Oh, how they fill my eyes

♪ The greetings

♪ Of people

♪ In trouble

♪ Reflections of my life

♪ Oh

♪ Everything around me

♪ The world is a bad place

PIGS SNORTING

♪ Oh, but I don't want to die... ♪

PIGS MUNCHING

Just have a guess where I've spent the last hour, Ventress.

Having a late breakfast, Sarge?

Sitting in a traffic jam up on Roundmoor flaming Road.

PHIL: The council are digging up that entire section.

Gonna be jams there for at least another month.

I thought you'd have realised, Sarge.

I did realise that, Bellamy!

I also realised I asked you lot to arrange for a special constable

to be up there on duty in the rush hour to keep the traffic moving!

We did, Sarge. I worked out the roster myself.

Then there's been a breakdown in communication,

cos there's no special up there at the moment!

Now Bellamy, get up there and start sorting things out.

And you, Ventress... You can dig out this mythical roster of yours,

and find out who should be on duty up there today.

Oh, is this a social call, Rowan?

I just called in to drop these reports off, Sarge.

Oh, well, in that case,

don't let us keep you from your many more pressing duties.

Right, Sarge.

Who was supposed to be on duty?

Well, well, well. Your friend and mine, Hector Cowley.

Really? It's not like him to miss out on a bit of traffic duty.

He likes nothing more than to boss some motorists around.

There's no reply.

I'll drop in and see him on the way back. Find out what's going on.

I'm just leaving, Sarge.

MEAT SIZZLING

CLAUDE: Morning, Ellen.

That sizzling sounds musical.

By 'eck!

That's what they call a hearty breakfast where I come from.

Somebody being hanged, are they?

You, if I have any more of your lip! CLAUDE LAUGHS

All right for you?

Can a duck...

I hope you don't mind. I took the liberty of washing a few shirts.

That must've surprised 'em.

No, you wash whatever you like, love.

I'll tell you the honest truth, don't have to rush off.

You can stop here as long as you like.

Oh! It might be quite nice, really. See a few of the old places again.

There you are, then. You suit yourself.



- Thanks very much.

- Don't thank me.

The pleasure's all mine. Here you are, son.

Hey! Don't do that.

Oh, sorry.

ALFRED WHINES

MUSIC: 'I'm Gonna Knock On Your Door' by The Pete Best Four

♪ I'm going to knock on your door

♪ Ring on your bell

♪ Tap on your window, too

♪ If you don't come out tonight while the moon is bright

♪ I'm going to knock and ring and tap until you do

♪ I'm going to knock on your door

♪ Call out your name

♪ Wake up the town, you'll see

♪ I'm going to hoot and howl like a lovesick owl

♪ Until you say you're going out with me ♪



- Is your husband in, Mrs Cowley?

- No.

Any idea when he'll be back?

I'm afraid not, no.

He was supposed to be on traffic duty this morning.

He never turned up.

I'm afraid I wouldn't know anything about that, Constable.

Hector's policing commitments are entirely his own affair.

In any case, I haven't seen him since yesterday evening.

Really?

He said he was going over to sort out the Sutches about this.

You're telling me that was dumped without your permission?

Well, of course it was without our permission!

Having a pile of... outside your door,

hardly a property

-enhancing feature, Constable.

Why do you think they did it?

I imagine it's due to the fact that Hector and Mrs Sutch

had a certain difference of opinion of late.

What about?

One of their wretched pigs vandalised Hector's pansies.

You know how paranoid he is about his beloved garden.

So, Hector tried to organise a petition to have them closed down,

a suggestion to which Mrs Sutch took a violent exception.

So, what happened when he went round to see them?

No idea, Constable. I had a pill and took an early night.

OK, Mrs Cowley.

When you do see him,

tell him Sergeant Blaketon wants to speak to him.

Right.

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

Oh, what do you want?

The pig manure that was dumped on the Cowleys' drive yesterday.



- Oh, yes?

- We believe you may know about it.

Really? You can prove that?

Well, not yet, Mrs Sutch. We will be making further enquiries.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

Where did you get that tunic, Simon?

He bought it!

I bought it.

Where from?



- A second

-hand shop.

- A second

-hand shop.

What's the address?

I can't remember.

Will there be anything else?

No, that'll do for now, thank you.

That told him, eh, Mam?

What were that for?

I told you there'd be trouble if anybody saw you in that rotten coat!

Hang on a minute. Mam!

Them's my chips.



- Who's dead, Claude?

- What do you mean?

The only time you wear a clean shirt is when you go to someone's funeral.

And not always then, eh?

You get to my age,

you realise there's more to life than just sleeping and supping.

Oh, yeah? Such as?

Such as the feel of nice, clean linen next to your skin.

And four square meals a day. It's lovely.

The last I heard, that's what they call being married.

Not necessarily.

♪ And he's oh, so good

♪ And he's oh, so fine

♪ And he's oh, so healthy

♪ In his body and his mind

♪ He's a well respected man about town

♪ Doing the best things so conservatively ♪

I just wondered if Hector had surfaced yet, Mrs Cowley.

Afraid not, no.

Can I ask you something about his uniform?

What about it?

Whether any of it's gone missing.

Missing? Hardly think that likely, Constable.

Hector does rather regard his uniform

with the sort of reverence usually accorded the Crown Jewels.

Right, thanks. When you see him, tell him we'd still like a word.

Right.

♪ Cos his world is built round punctuality

♪ It never fails

♪ And he's oh, so good

♪ And he's oh, so fine

♪ And he's oh, so healthy

♪ In his body and his mind

♪ He's a well respected man about town

♪ Doing the best things so conservatively ♪

COW MOOING

My mam's not in.

It's not your mum I want to talk to, Simon. It's you.

Oh? What about?

Well, this, for starters.

I told you, I bought it.



- When?

- You what?



- When did you buy it?

- One day last week.

You bought it as recently as that, and can't remember where from?

HC.

What about it?

It probably stands for Hector Cowley.

Now come on, stop messing me about and tell me where you got it from.

SIGHS All right. I found it.



- Well, where did you find it?

- In here. This morning.

BRAKES SQUEAK

What are you after this time?



- How about the truth?

- About what?

This.

Your Simon reckons he didn't buy it in a second

-hand shop.

He found your pigs chewing on it this morning.

So?

You don't expect me to believe that, do you?

Why not? You know pigs are. They'll eat just about anything.

Or anybody, for that matter. They're not a bit picky, are pigs.

PIGS GRUNTING

Is this Hector Cowley's tunic, or isn't it?

That's impossible to say, without Cowley confirming it.

But everything points that way.

Get him to confirm it, and find out what the Sutches were doing with it.

Yes, Sarge.

Let's not devote our working week to it.

All we're talking about here is the theft of a tunic.

Or are we, Sarge?

Oh, is that remark supposed to have

some sort of profound significance to it, Bellamy?

Well, it does seem a bit strange.

Cowley goes over to sort out the Sutches last night

and he hasn't been seen since.

And this morning, his jacket turns up in their pigsty.

VENTRESS: Very strange, I'd say.

There was this case recently.

Which case?

The m*rder charges had to be dropped because a body couldn't be produced,

the suspicion being that it had been fed to t'pigs.

You're not seriously suggesting this could have happened to Cowley?

All we've found so far is his coat, not a headless corpse!

I'm just making the point, Sarge.

Come to think of it, though,

this could present us with a rare and welcome opportunity.



- What did you have in mind?

- To shake Sweaty Betty up a bit.

What better way of doing it

than for three great hairy policemen to suddenly descend on her?

If nothing else, it'll get Ventress out into the fresh air again.

On what grounds, Sarge?

Well, that there just might be something

in this wild flight of fancy

that merits further investigation of her property.

So, lads...

Have you got your wellies with you?

By heck, something smells good.

Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, do you?

I'll try and force it down. LAUGHS

SIGHS

Phwoar!

Little bit of that.

CHILDREN CHATTING, LAUGHING

MAN: Jo!

Dad! I wasn't expecting you so early.

Good to see you.

Are you coming back to the cottage? I can make some supper later.

I'd better not. I don't want to be long.

Your mother's been having a lot of headaches recently.

Since we told her about the wedding, I suppose?

I'm stiff from driving. Why don't we take a walk?

PIGS GRUNTING

I don't know what it is you think you're looking for,

but you'll not find nowt, you know.

Then you've got nothing to worry about, Mrs Sutch.

All I'm worried about is them poor beasts.

They're very particular, our pigs, about the sort of company they keep.

Nick.

OMINOUS MUSIC



- Look at this.

- Trousers!

They're standard issue, by the look of it.

What's this?

Well, don't look at me! I know nowt about it!

Mum will just have to get used to the idea

that Nick and I are going to be married.

It's no use her coming down with imaginary ailments.

They're not imaginary, Jo.



- All right, I'm sorry.

- Right.

But that's not why I came over.

There's something I've got to tell you... about the cottage.

The cottage? They don't want to put the rent up, do they?

No. You remember old Hartley who died last year?

When we'd heard nothing,

we assumed his children were going to carry on with the arrangement

we'd been waiting so long.

But they want it back.



- They can't just evict me.

- They don't have to.

The lease is up for renewal next month.

Next month? They want me out within a month?

Just as well you're getting married.

Not yet!

Oh, it's not your fault, Dad.

If you need any help with finding another place...

It's going to be hard in Aidensfield.

There simply aren't many properties.



- I'm sorry, love.

- Oh, don't worry, Dad.

Something will turn up.

Here you are, love.

Some nice fresh leeks, planted and picked with my own lily

-whites.

Oh, lovely.

Tea in the pot.

Oh, Claude, love, look at the state of my floor.

Pardon?

You're making dirty marks with your mucky boots.

I must have been an hour on my knees this morning.

Must have been a bit painful. LAUGHS

I'm sorry. I'll take 'em off.

Oh, not in here, I hope!

Oh, no. Of course not.

SOFT GUITAR MUSIC

HENS CLUCKING

Don't you start!

ALFRED WHINES

Right, let's go through this one more time, shall we?

You're not denying that Special Constable Cowley

came round here to see you last night?

Why should I?

Complain about the stuff you dumped on his drive earlier.

Complain about stuff he alleged we dumped on his drive.

As a result of which, an argument took place, right?

Well, I sent him off with a flea in his ear, if that's what you mean.

Was that all that happened? Or did one thing lead to another?

Isn't exactly something you're famous for, is it, Betty?

Self

-restraint?

Right then, our Simon. Fetch it in.

What?

You know what.

Oh, that! Right.



- Fetch what in?

- You'll see.

WHEELS SQUEAKING

And this wheelbarrow

is supposed to have some bearing on the case, is it?

BETTY: I'd say so.

For starters, where did it come from, hey?



- Tell him where we found it, Simon.

- By the pigsties.



- When?

- This morning.

What's that supposed to prove?

You're the Sherlocks round here, you tell us.

Only he heard things last night did our Simon.



- What sort of things?

- Noises.

Well, hardly surprising with a sty full of pigs.

No. Eating noises. The sort of din they make when they're feeding.

Only they'd already been fed.

What exactly are you suggesting?

Let's just say, if that great nelly Cowley

did end up getting fed to our pigs last night,

by person or persons unknown,

whoever did it would have needed a wheelbarrow to bring him over in.

Yeah, always assuming it wasn't you and Simple Simon here who did it.

If we had, we wouldn't have needed no wheelbarrow, would we?

Being what you might call on the spot already, like.

Especially not somebody else's wheelbarrow.

I mean, if it had been us who'd done it,

we'd have used our own wheelbarrow, wouldn't we?

QUIRKY MUSIC

DOOR OPENS

Hey, what's Alfred been up to? He's all damp.

He's just had a bath.

A bath? I bet he enjoyed that (!)

He was stinking the place out.

What's all that white stuff he's got over him?

Ah, now that's another thing that was long overdue.



- What?

- De

-lousing.

I don't know how you've managed to live round here

as long as you have without catching something.

Help yourself to a scone.

Have you done him 'owt?

There's summat for him, too.

Outside!

Outside?

Well, it's hardly hygienic, is it, him eating in the same room as you.

It's time you built him a kennel.

A kennel? But he's used to being in here! He always has done.

Well, that explains a lot.

Like why you can't sit down in a chair

without getting covered in dog hairs.

No. I'm serious, Claude. It's time that dog had a kennel.

Eat your scone.

I'm not that hungry.

ENGINE STUUTERING

STUTTERING CONTINUES

Need some help?

Oh, Maggie, it never rains but it pours.



- Why? What's up?

- I think I'm out of petrol.

Hop in, I'll give you a lift down to the garage.

Thanks, Maggie.

SIGHS

So, what else is up?

I've got to move out of the cottage.



- Why?

- Dad can't renew the lease.



- So, where are you going to go?

- I don't know.

There's nothing to rent in the village as far as I know.

And I can hardly move into the police house, can I?

Well... No.

THEY LAUGH

You can always have my spare room if you want.



- Are you sure?

- Of course I am.

I'd enjoy the company. You let me know when you want to move in.

Maggie, you're a life

-saver!

So, where are the clothes now then?

On their way over to Forensics, Sarge.

Until we hear back from them, we say nothing to anybody. Is that clear?



- Yes, Sarge.

- Especially not to CID.

Cos if this turns out to be

a product of Ventress's fevered imagination,

we could end up the laughing stock of the entire division.

In the meantime, I want some discreet enquiries made

just to see if anybody else heard or saw anything funny the other night.



- And Mrs Cowley?

- Hmm.

Has she been alerted we want to hear from Cowley the moment he surfaces?



- Yes, Sarge.

- We'll leave it like that for now.

The last thing we want is for her to start getting upset.

Right, Sarge.

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

WOMAN SCREAMS

WOMAN SCREAMS

SCREAMING CONTINUES

What's up?

What's he doing here?

What? Oh.

I'm sorry. You can't really blame him. It's usually his bed.

Get him off me!

NICK: And the big bear said...

He said, who's been eating my... porridge?

What's all this I hear about Hector Cowley then?

What have you heard?

That he came to a sticky end in Sutch's pigsty.



- Who told you that?

- It's all over the village.

Oh, terrific.

Right, hold his ears. Hold tight.

KATIE GIGGLES

Wow.

They're saying what about us?

There's an ugly rumour sweeping Aidensfield, Ventress.

That a certain special constable has been fed to Sutch's pigs.



- Really, Sarge?

- Yes. Really, Ventress.

And I don't suppose for one minute that either of you two bright sparks

have any idea where it came from, have you?

Not at all, Sarge.

Shocking how these things seem to get out, though, isn't it, Sarge?

Not half as shocking as what's going to happen

to the bigmouth responsible, Ventress,

when I happen to identify him.

A man with a deeply distrustful nature is Sergeant Blaketon.

I've often noticed it about him.

CLAUDE: Excuse me asking.

What's this?



- It's your breakfast.

- Breakfast?

What's happened to all the sausages and fried bread and black pudding?

It's very bad for you, all that fried food.

And you're very overweight, you know.

Well, more of me to get hold of, in't there?

No. I've made up my mind.

We'll going to have to get you into healthy eating.

How long do you think you'll actually be stopping now?

Well, it's like you say, there's no rush.

And the more I see of Aidensfield,

the more I realise how much I missed the old place.

I know, but, you know, the trouble is, you see...

folk are beginning to talk.

Talk, Claude?

Aye. You know, about you and me. You know, our arrangement.

What arrangement?

Well, the way we're living together, you know.

I mean, someone would think it's a bit, like, over the brush.

Well, you know what I say to that, don't you? Let 'em.

After all, this is supposed to be the Swinging Sixties, right?

Right.



- Can I help you?

- In what way?

Do you mind?

It's because I mind that I'm here, love.

Some sort of problem, is there?

These rumours you lot have been spreading about us.

That's the problem.

It's all right, Eileen. I'll see to it.

What is it you wanted to say, Mrs Sutch?

That we never laid a finger on him.

And we can prove it. Can't we, Simon?

We've got a witness.

What witness?

Her boyfriend.

Pardon?

My boyfriend.

He happened to be in our kitchen having a brown ale

when Cowley turned up the other night.

Well, he saw him leave unscathed and untouched.

Is this "boyfriend" willing to testify to that, Mrs Sutch?

On one condition.



- And what's that?

- That his name's left out of it.

He has a toffee

-nosed wife who doesn't approve of our relationship.

I see.

MUSIC: 'Three Steps to Heaven' by Eddie Cochran

♪ Now there (three steps to heaven)

♪ Are three (three steps to heaven)

♪ Steps to heaven (whoa, whoa, ooh)

♪ Just listen (three steps to heaven)

♪ And you will (three steps to heaven)

♪ Plainly see

♪ And as life travels on

♪ And things do go wrong...

A boyfriend?

Sweaty Betty?

I've just spoken to him, Sarge, and he confirms everything she tells us.

In fact, his story is he stayed the entire night with her.

The entire night?

The mind boggles.

So, if something really has happened to Cowley,

the Sutches are in the clear.

MUSIC CONTINUES

♪ The formula (three steps to heaven)

♪ For Heaven's (three steps to heaven)

♪ Very simple (whoa, whoa, ooh)

♪ Just follow (three steps to heaven)

♪ The rules (three steps to heaven)

♪ And you will see (ooh)

♪ And as life travels on

♪ And things do go wrong

♪ Just follow (three steps to heaven)

♪ Steps one, two and three (three steps to heaven)

♪ (Whoa, whoa, ooh) ♪

Mr Greengrass?

All depends who wants to know.

Would that be Claude Jeremiah Greengrass?

Are you buying or selling?

Ellen said I'd probably find you in here.



- Ellen?

- My wife, Ellen.

I'm Archie. I'm her husband.

♪ Such a shame, such a shame

♪ It's a shame

♪ Cos I didn't wanna cause you any pain

♪ But I know that it wouldn't be the same

♪ All the good times have all been in vain

♪ It's a shame, such a shame such a shame

♪ It's a shame

♪ Cos I didn't intend to do you wrong

♪ I'd come back but it wouldn't last for long

♪ I would, if I could, but I can't

♪ It's a shame, such a shame such a shame ♪

Mrs Cowley? SHE SHRIEKS

Oh, honestly!

You policemen!

I'm always telling Hector about that. Creeping up on people.

I'm sorry.

There's something I wondered if you could help us with.

Oh, yes?

Do you know if this is Hector's jacket?

Ah, it could be,

but then again one policeman's uniform is very much like another.

There are some initials inside.

Well, I suppose that confirms it.

Hector is inclined to put labels on things. Where did you get it?

It turned up yesterday in the pigsty over at Sutch's place.

Pigsty?

Along with a pair of police trousers, a boot...

and a policeman's whistle.

- Good grief!

You wouldn't have any idea how they'd have got there, I suppose?

Why on earth would I?

He still hasn't been back, then?

Well, if he has, I certainly haven't seen him.



- Isn't that a bit unusual?

- It depends, Constable.

On what?

Whether you happen to be having words or not.

Did you and Hector have words, then?

Our married life has been one long history of having words.



- Does he have any family?

- A sister.



- Would she know where he was?

- Oh, I'm sure she would,

but I doubt if she'll help you at the moment!



- Why not?

- She's away on holiday.

There's not been 'owt going on, you know, Archie.

Going on?

Yeah, you know. Hanky

-panky or 'owt like that.

I mean, all I did was offer her a bed... in the spare room, you know.

I mean, to be honest,

I didn't even know she were married until you turned up.



- She never told you?

- No, not a word.

You don't want to go worrying yourself.

We're a very liberated couple, me and Ellen, you know.



- Really?

- Oh, aye.

Besides, she told me all about it

when she asked me to bring her things.



- What things?

- Clothes and that.

Like she said,

this stay's worked out longer than she originally thought.

Really?

A pearl beyond price, my wife.

In fact, the only thing that matters to me in the whole world

is my wife's happiness.

And if happiness for her is moving in with you,

so be it.

Hang on, Archie. I've got nowt like that in mind.

That's the , question, Claude.

What does she have in mind?

I'll tell you this.

Once that woman gets an idea in her head,

wild horses won't shift it.

Go and get two large Scotches.

The report from Forensics, Sarge.

They've done tests. There's no signs of blood on the clothing.

Not that that proves anything, Rowan,

the state that clothing was in after the pigs had finished with it.

Well, there is still the wheelbarrow.



- Where's that now, then?

- Over at my place.

And you had something in mind, did you?

I was wondering if we might show it to Mrs Cowley.



- See if she recognised it.

- Hmm.

Why don't we both show her, Rowan?

Right, Sarge.

CLAUDE: Ellen! I've brought somebody to see you.

Ellen?

Ellen, I've...



- Where the devil has she got to?

- She's probably down the shops.

Always been very fond of her shopping has Ellen.

Has she?

What's that doing there?

I don't believe this.

Summat wrong is there, Claude?

I've been flaming robbed! That's what's wrong!



- This is the one, Sarge.

- Oh, right.

We'll take it round to her, see what she's got to say for herself.

What do you want, Greengrass?

I want her nicking.

You want who nicking?

Her as has just robbed me.

So, there's this woman you've been shacking up with.

The moment your back's turned, helps herself to your petty cash.



- Is that right?

- No, it's not right,

because there were no shacking up going on.

Well, how would you describe it, then?



- She were a guest.

- Oh, aye?

So, how much do you estimate was taken from this box?

At least three quid, could have been four.

She often goes through my pockets.

And where exactly do you fit into

this sad and sordid little saga, sir?

I'm her husband.

Her husband?

Well, it seems to me, Greengrass,

you've obviously had a right little menage a trois

going on at your place.



- What are you talking about?

- It's French, Claude.

I know what it means. It's not short of slander cos it weren't like that.

Of course not.

Well, are you going to do summat about it?

I'll call round later and get the details.

I won't hold my breath.



- What's going on, Rowan?

- How do you mean, Sarge?

Well, first Sweaty Betty, now Greengrass.

Is there something in the water round here these days?

MUSIC: 'I Just Don't Know What to Do with Myself' by Dusty Springfield

♪ I just don't know what to do with myself

♪ Don't know just what to do with myself

♪ I'm so used to doing everything with you

♪ Planning everything for two

♪ And now that we're through

♪ I just don't know... ♪

Can I help you?

What exactly have you been burning here, Mrs Cowley?

Just a few old jackets and things.

Do you often burn your husband's clothes?

Well, only the ones I'm sick of the sight of.

Hector does hang onto his clothes like he's saving them for posterity.

So, when he's out of the way, I seize my opportunity.

Did you notice the wheelbarrow parked round the front?

Yes.



- Yours, is it?

- No.

It was found abandoned over at the Sutch's farm.

The day your husband's uniform turned up.

Really?

So where's yours, then?

I don't actually possess a wheelbarrow, Constable.

What? In a garden this size?

The garden isn't regarded as my responsibility, Sergeant.

Does Mr Cowley own a wheelbarrow?

Oh, yes.

And unless I'm very much mistaken,

it's the one parked around the front at moment.

All right, Mrs Cowley.

Let's continue this conversation inside, shall we?

Coppers round here are a waste of time.

And cos they know it's mine, they probably won't bother.

Hello, Archie, love.

Ellen, my love!



- How are you?

- I'm fine. I brought the case.



- You found us, then?

- Yes...

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Sorry to break up this happy family, but do you know about this?



- About what?

- The money out of my box.

There were three quid in there this morning.

Three pound, ten shilling to be exact.

So you're not denying it were you that took it, then?

Definitely not. What was I supposed to use? My own money?

Use for what?

To get all this health food stuff.

You've spent my hard

-earned brass buying that load of muck?

Here's a list of everything I bought.

It's all priced and accounted for.

And here's your change. What there is of it.

Well, no crime's been committed, no harm's been done.

And if you tell the police, I'm sure they'll understand, Claude.

Police? You mean to tell me he's reported me to the police?



- Where is your husband?

- I've no idea!

People don't just disappear.

You do realise you can be prosecuted for obstructing the police?

If you carry on like this.

Mrs Cowley, your husband's gone missing.

We have reason to believe something happened to him.

Now will you please stop playing games

and tell us what this is about?

The row was over her again.

Are you telling us there's another woman involved?

His sister, would you believe.



- His sister?

- This time I told them.

Enough's enough. There's no way I'm going. Not this time.



- Going where?

- With her and her husband!

If you think Hector's boring, you should see him.

I'm sorry, Mrs Cowley. I'm not really following this.

For the past decade, very year, we've gone on holiday with them.

That's his sister and your husband, right?

In their dreary little caravan.

But this time, I told them. I put my foot down.

I said, I don't want to.

So, then what happened?

I've just told you.

I said, if you want to go, go, I said.

And?

He went.

Hang on, Mrs Cowley. For the past two days,

You've been telling me you had no idea where he went.

I don't! They could be anywhere.

We never knew where the caravan was going to be parked, you see.

Till we got there.

She sees that as a further little treat for us, I suppose.

Our annual holiday surprise (!)

Why didn't you tell us this in the first place,

instead of letting my constables run round like headless chickens,

thinking he might have been m*rder*d?

m*rder*d...

Well, thinking about it now I should have, I suppose, but...

I was worried, you see.

About what?

About dumping his uniform in Sutch's pigsty like that.

I began thinking I'd committed an offence.

You know...

Being police property and that.

And you had, Mrs Cowley.

Not to mention obstructing the police

in the execution of their duty.

Right. You might as well have this while you're here.

It is addressed to you.

I imagine it's a letter from Hector

advising you that he won't be available for duty while he's away.



- When was this written?

- A week ago.

He gave it to me to post.

It was just about the time we had the row.

Another of my little jobs as dutiful wife.

Post his letters for him.

Provide stamps.



- All set then, my love?

- Oh, yes.

If you want to change your mind and stay a bit longer,

I have no objection.

Just take me home, Archie!

Right, love!

Thank you.

ALFRED BARKS

SIGHS

Hector, you're back!

What's all this about you

wanting to change your name... to Lazarus?

Sergeant Blaketon is in, is he?

Only it's about my uniform, you see.

I'm going to need to have it replaced.

I'll just go and see, all right?

KNOCK ON DOOR Yes.

Special Constable Cowley, Sarge.

He's just back from holiday,

wondering if he can have a word... about his uniform.

Well, show him in, Rowan.

Show him in.

Cowley.

Sir.

Sit!

You, Cowley, are driving me up the wall!

Seven seconds exactly.

I thought so.

He's slowing down. Definitely slowing down.

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪