04x03 - In the Cradle of Vexilon

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FREEMAN: Captain's log,
Stardate . .

The Cerritos is visiting
the Federation world Corazonia,

an artificial megastructure
in a bespoke star system

designed by a long-extinct
alien species.

The ring has been home
to the Corazonians,

who enjoy perfect climate
and surface conditions

thanks to Vexilon,
the environmental computer

installed by the ring's
original designers.

Fortunately,
Vexilon is a benevolent ally

with no interest
in world domination.

The Corazonians share a deep
bond with their caretaker.

CORAZONIAN: Thank you,
for making the trip

on short notice, Captain.

We're very concerned
about Vexilon.

Well, he's not trying
to subjugate anyone, is he?

I thought
he was a friendly computer.

He is, but his hardware
is ancient, wearing down.

Vexilon has been operating
with less accuracy

than we are accustomed.

Your world computer's lagging?

The weather
has become unpredictable.

One minute it's blue skies,
the next it's blizzards.

His geographic processes
are faltering, too.

Just yesterday, one
of our rivers reversed its flow

and flooded a mountain.

We're all artists and poets,
but I've been so stressed.

Just look at the terrible
statues I made last week.

Yeesh. Yeah, that's a pretty
clumsy expression of form.

Those are our finest works.

We're talking
about those over there.

Well, why don't we just go check
on Vexilon,

and afterward you can tell us
all about your creative process?

Just an amateur lack of focus
and balance.

FREEMAN: Ransom!

VEXILON: Welcome to Corazonia, Captain.

We appreciate Starfleet's help.

Please enjoy some iced tea.

- Aah! That's hot.
- Damn it! I'm so stupid!

It's totally normal
for a planetary operating system

to need some maintenance
every once in a while.

No one's judging you.

Ah. Thank you.
It's just embarrassing.

I've been fine for a millennia,

but now I can't even control
my monsoon seasons.

Why don't I just pop
your control panel

and take a look
at your circuits?

I'm sure we can have you
up and running in no time.

Captain, we have engineers

- who could...
- Stand down, Jack.

I minored in archaic technology
back at the Academy.

I think I've got this.

Thank you, Captain.
I don't deserve this treatment.

I hope this isn't taking you
away from more important work.

No. [SCOFFS] Not at all.

We needed to stop in
and retrofit the power relay

Starfleet installed
during first contact anyway.

I've got one of my lieutenants
on that now.

BOIMLER: Ooh, this is it.

Your first away mission
as a commander.

No big deal. You've got this.

You are boss Boimler,
and you're gonna nail...

- Lieutenant Boimler.
- What?! I mean, hi.

- I mean, uh... yes, T'Lyn?
- Your team is waiting.

Have you completed
your confidence-boosting ritual?

Oh, that's not what I was doing.

I was just, uh, running
a last-minute check of supplies.

Has everyone tested their comms?

- [FEEDBACK SQUEALS]
- [ECHOING]: Boimler to T'Lyn. Yah!

All equipment is
in adequate condition

to accomplish our errand.

It's not an errand,
it's a mission.

My first mission as commander.

It's pretty cool, right?

- Perhaps we should proceed.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Ensigns, at attention.

This is a cut-and-dry
power terminal upgrade.

If you have any questions,
don't hesitate to come to me

or Provisional Lieutenant
Junior Grade T'Lyn,

who's on site in case
any science stuff happens.

Everything that has ever
occurred is science stuff.

Oh. Uh, right.

That went pretty well, I'd say.

I do not know
to what you are referring.

We have not started the repair.

I mean, talking to my team.

I've had good bosses
and bad ones.

I just don't want
to repeat their mistakes.

Your caution is warranted.

Statistically, ensigns serving

under recently promoted
commanders are more likely

to experience death
and/or dismemberment.

- Death?!
- Yes. And/or dismemberment.

Well, luckily,
this mission's pretty tame.

It's just
swapping out some terminals.

The component
pieces are unstable

- and could detonate at any moment.
- [SHRIEKS]

The retrofit must be conducted
in precise order,

or the terminal will explode.

BOIMLER: It's like disarming
a building-sized b*mb?

The similarity
is not inaccurate.

All right, g*ng.
Who's ready to be careful?

TENDI: I wonder how
Boimler's doing down there

- on his mission.
- Oh, he's either doing great

or super overthinking it
and getting sweaty.

I don't know why.
Being a lieutenant junior grade

doesn't seem too different
from being an ensign to me.

Oh, okay. It's the same, huh?

Well, what if I told you
we now have access to this?

[GASPS]
The anomaly storage room?

Yup!

Anything that
requires further study

or might need to be returned
to its previous entity

is kept right here.

That's the hat that turned
Billups into a church tower.

I wouldn't even
authorize myself for this.

- A lot of it is dangerous.
- Aah! Don't touch that!

Do you want your head
to fall off and skitter away?

- Greetings and salutations!
- [RUTHERFORD GASPS]

[GROANS] A Betazoid gift box.
Things creep me out.

[GIBBERING]

- Why?
- This is a message for Rutherford.

I don't want to be in this room.

I want to live in your quarters.

Oh, uh, no, thank you.

Is this guy sentient?

No, they-they just tend to
pick up phrases they overhear.

Eat a bag of Borg,
[BLEEP] mother[BLEEP].

I didn't know
that Dr. T'Ana came in here.

Oh, no way.
It's the Wadi Chula game.

The one that traps you inside

until you solve its annoying challenges.

Oh, hell yeah. The one with,
like, the pastel triangles

and the little girl
doing hopscotch,

and everybody's like...
♪ Allamalay lemon meringue. ♪

DIRK: Lieutenants Tendi,
Mariner and Rutherford,

report to the isolinear
chip junction immediately.

On the way.

Ugh. I thought we had
the afternoon to ourselves.

I told you it didn't feel too
different from being an ensign.

At least this'll be
something interesting.

No more mindless,
repetitive tasks for us.

Took you long enough.

I need you three
to scan each and every one

of these isolinear chips
by hand.

What?! But there are
thousands of them.

Yeah, and there's a . %
deviation in the fault sensor,

which is why, it needs
to be done by hand.

Can't it just wait
until we repair the sensor?

Wow. Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, right, I did.

But the sensor detected
a single malfunctioning chip

before it went down.

You three need to find it.

This isn't so bad.
Ooh, maybe we can sing a song...

Once an hour, the room fills
with nitrogen coolant,

so keep your breathers handy.

The chips can get scalding hot,
so watch out for that.

Oh, and Billups' ferret
got out this morning,

so report to him
if it bites you.

Lancelot's in here?!

- Ah! [WHIMPERING]
- [LANCELOT SQUEAKS]

Okay, you were right.
This is feeling pretty ensign-y.

Huh. It doesn't make any sense.

This is ensign work.

[GASPS] Maybe even cadet.

On Orion, older pirates
would haze new recruits

by making them
do worthless tasks,

like clean the door panels
with their tongues.

- You think Dirk's hazing us?
- What's hazing?

It's a prank dressed up
as team-building

that nobody really likes.

Well, that doesn't sound
very Starfleet.

Yeah, I got to agree
with Ruthie on this one.

There is no way senior officers
would haze a lieutenant.

You're right.
They have too much character.

[SCOFFS] What? No, no.
They're not cool enough.

This is just an annoying job,

given to us by an annoying guy.

[LAUGHS]
Yeah, I'm probably overreacting.

FREEMAN: Hmm.

Well, nothing seems to be wrong

with your hardware.

Do you mind if I take a look
at your terminal?

Of course.
Feel free to dig around.

[BEEPING]

Ah, I think I see the problem.

Your operating system's
out of date.

That would explain it.

There was that weekend
where my designers evolved

into fifth-dimensional energy
beings and left me on my own.

When was my last update?

Six million and seven years ago.

Ah, that was a good year.

Really good harvest season.

Huh.
Hang tight,

I'll get you
caught up with this update,

and it should clear things
right up.

Thank you, Captain.
You've saved us.

It'll be nice to get back
to my old, helpful self

af-af-after...

after, after, after,
after, after, after,

- [HIGH-PITCHED]: after, after...
- Vexilon?

[RAPID, HIGH-PITCHED]: After,
after, after, after, after...

- [RUMBLING]
- RANSOM: Uh, Captain?

Did that update require
a shutdown?

It wasn't supposed to.

[CLINKING]

[YELLING]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

- [WIND WHISTLING]
- All right, g*ng.

Just remember,
the name of the game is safety.

- [CRASHING]
- [BOIMLER GASPS]

Okay, also, hurry.
Safety and speed.

Lieutenant,
these power cylinders

are extremely volatile.

Are you certain
speed is necessary?

Something's going on
with the weather,

and these guys are pros.
They'll be...

- Taylor, what are you doing?
- Um, reaching for the first clamp?

Love the initiative,
but your angle is all off.

I need degrees, not .
But no worries.

I probably did
a bad job explaining

how deadly these b*mb tubes are.

- Okay.
- Stop! Stop! Stop.

You know what? Why-why don't I
show you how to do one?

Then you guys can do the rest.

But doesn't each one take
three people, sir?

Oh, no, no, no, you don't have

to do that whole "sir" thing
with me. I'm chill.

Call me Bradward or Boims
or something.

Doesn't this take
three people, Bradward?

Technically, yes,
but I think I should show you

how to do it right,
just on this first one.

So you have four
subsponders in the corners

that interface with
the ion generator in the center,

which self-stabilizes
the reaction.

If broken in the wrong order,
the container will explode,

so you have to be careful
as you remove each one...

- [GRUNTS] Got it.
- [CLANKS]

Then repeat that three times.

- [GRUNTING]
- [CLANKING]

Then you rotate the old cylinder

until you feel the latch
disengage, at which point

- you carefully remove it.
- [ROLLING THUNDER]

Now it's very important
to keep it upright

and lift with your knees,
not your back, because

you really don't want
back pain, and that's...

- [WIND WHISTLING]
- [ROLLING THUNDER]

why you put it in the taupe bin,

and not the magenta bin.

Got it?

- I don't think we did.
- Maybe we could try it?

Okay, not a big deal.
Let me just

pop another quick demo for you.

- [GROANS]
- [BOIMLER GRUNTING]

When are we going to get
to do some of the mission?

- [CLINKING]
- BOIMLER: Whoa.

- [BEEPING]
- RUTHERFORD: Mm, mm, mm, mm, m.

[RUTHERFORD GASPS,
LANCELOT SQUEAKS]

Lancelot! [WHIMPERING]

Ow! Hot! Aah!

How many more
of these things are there?

Ugh. Rutherford's got
the last couple.

You ever notice that it's always
the last chip you test?

Just scan it.

- No, that's not right.
- [TENDI GRUNTS]

- [GROWLS]
- But we tested every chip.

Rutherford, make it make sense.

I can't.
It has to be this one.

How's it going in here,
Lieutenants?

Wow. You all look b*at.

Oh, didn't know
scanning could be so taxing.

- Ugh!
- Uh, sir,

look, we've scanned every chip.

- They're all fine.
- Hmm.

Every chip?
Even the second layer?

Why didn't you tell us
about all these?!

I don't know. The hidden button
seemed obvious.

Anyway, these are twice as hot,
so you'll want to use tongs,

which makes it twice as hard.

- [SQUEAKS]
- Aah! Lancelot!

Leave me alone!
I don't have any meat!

Billups,
I've got eyes on Lancelot.

[ALARM BLARING] - "The
hidden button seemed obvious."

Oh, this is definitely hazing.

- So much for character.
- Ouch!

Yeah, I think you're right.

Hey, how'd you deal with this
kind of thing back on Orion?

Blindfolded saber fight.

Okay, I want
to hear more about that,

but I think
I have a less stabby solution.

[SQUEAKING]

Okay, okay, no big deal.

Just a frozen progress bar

and some crazy day-night stuff.

Now, I think the ancient
manual is saying to press this?

[WHIRRING]

- Oh, yeah.
- Ha-ha!

[LOW BEEP]

- Oh.
- Oh.

[GRUNTS] Freeman to Billups.
Beam down here immediately.

Ugh. Sorry, Captain. I'm-I'm
having a hard time today.

Lancelot got out when I was
cleaning his snuggle tower,

and I just...
Wow!

This is a classic setup.

Is it a Unotronic? [LAUGHS]

That-that kills in engineering.

Billups, this isn't the time
for your computer comedy.

And we're sure
we want to turn it back on?

It's not, like, crushing the
will of the locals or anything?

- [GASPS] We love Vexilon.
- FREEMAN: No.

It's a nice one.
We're fine.

Is it safe to jiggle
his power source?

- I mean, you'd be surprised...
- "Safe."

Excellent thinking, Commander.

Aha! A lot
of these ancient computers had

a safe mode for debugging.

Now, if I can just
activate it...

[GRUNTS] There.

- [WHIRRING]
- [FREEMAN LAUGHS]

That got rid
of the stalled update.

- [expl*sive RUMBLE] - Yeah.
- Captain,

are you sure this is safe mode
and not a full reboot?

Uh...

- I am Vexilon.
- Oh!

Welcome to your new world.

I will now re-genesis
installation to default settings.

Initiating fjords.

- Distributing miasma.
- [THUNDER CRACKS]

Stirring primordial ooze.

[PANTING]

[GASPS]

[HIGH-PITCHED WHIMPERING]

Doing one more myself
should really

teach you guys how to do this.

- There's only one left.
- Shouldn't we help?

It's getting
really crazy out there.

Just keep doing
what you're doing!

- [GRUNTING]
- We're not doing anything.

Lieutenant Boimler,
your ensigns have a point.

Leading by example has proven
to be inefficient.

I only have one left, and we all
get out of here alive.

- [GRUNTING]
- Freeman to Lieutenant Boimler.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Go ahead, Captain.

Has your team finished
the retrofit?

We're almost finished here, si.

Don't. I need you
to put it back the way it was.

But, Captain, it's getting

- pretty apocalyptic out here.
- I know.

According to this scroll we
found in an ancient junk drawer,

Vexilon can force a restart

if we reroute its primary power
to your station.

- But the station's outdated.
- We have to get this done

before the anaerobic bacteria
is dispersed.

No problem. Just gonna quickly
undo all the work I just did.

- Another learning experience for you.
- [GRUNTING]

Fascinating.

A mountain or possibly a volcano
has appeared.

Ah.
It is a volcano.

[PANTING]

RUTHERFORD: Are you
sure we shouldn't just ask him

- to stop hazing us?
- No, Mariner's right.

Hazers only respect hazing.

That's why we trap him in the Wadi game,

and let him marinate in there for a bit

while the Betazoid gift box

- screams at him.
- [LAUGHS]

I guess he'll have
to respect us after this.

I know I would,
and I already did.

Quick, let's get out of here.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Whoa.

- [GASPS]
- [LAUGHTER]

[GRUNTS, GASPS]

Oh, hey. Done already?

Ha. Totally, my man.

No error'ed chips.
All good to go.

Oh, thank God.

I can't tell you how
glad I am to hear that.

Oh, really?
Why?

Those isolinear
chips run some of

the most important
systems on the ship.

- If one fails, it could be fatal.
- Yeah, but, not...

- like, not really?
- Yes, really.

Even one going down
could be catastrophic.

Thank you so much
for taking that on.

- I really appreciate it.
- Come on. If it was important,

why wouldn't you
have done it yourself?

I would have.
I...

Dr. Migleemo says acceptance
is the road to healing.

How familiar are you
with the Wadi Chula game?

We put one in...

I-I mean, uh, the what now?

It's a game that traps a user
in a little [BLEEP] dimension

until they can complete
its challenges.

When I was a kid, I got trapped
in one for a month.

I was...
too dumb to work my way out.

- [SNIFFLES]
- Oh, no, you weren't dumb.

That experience,
that t*rture colored my life.

I can't go near the anomaly room
without having a panic att*ck

because one of those games is
on the ship.

I should have helped you today,
but all those glowing chips...

remind me too much of the...

Game.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, thank you for sharing,
so much,

and I am glad to be
a part of your journey.

You know, maybe, oh,
would it cheer you up to talk

about that music
that you like so much?

Tellarite slop jazz?

Yes! Oh, yes, that's it.
Okay, you've rambled

about that at length before.
Go fix it.

Oh, I could go on
about slop jazz forever.

You know, everybody
thinks the slops

is about how much
spit you can get to

- drip out of the nozzle...
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

but it's really
about the brizzles flarps.

Yeah, you know, it sounds wet,
and that is what I like.

Please continue.

- [BEEPING]
- [WHIMPERING]

- Sir, please let us help.
- Stay away from the blast zone.

Just five or six more trips.
Oh. Oh, no!

This is quite enough,
Lieutenant.

You will allow the
ensigns to assist you.

- [GROANING]
- But I don't, uh...

[YELLING]

- Whoa!
- It is admirable

that you care
for the safety of your team,

but danger is an accepted
risk of Starfleet duty.

No, I know. It's not that.

If you have not been acting
in their defense,

then what has caused
your unpredictable behavior?

[SIGHS]

Last week
I was an ensign with them,

and now, randomly, I'm supposed
to tell them what to do?

What gives me the right
to put my peers

in a position
where they could die?

Your promotion was not random.

I studied your records and
mission logs before our departure.

The commander was correct
to promote you.

Your work is exemplary.

Look at your team.

- [GRUNTING]
- They deserve your trust,

just as Commander Ransom
trusted you.

They could all have
greatness in them.

That remains to be seen,
but if you do not order them

to aid in the unloading
of these power cylinders,

we will all perish.

The files really said I'm great?

They thoroughly describe
your strengths and shortcomings.

You're right. I have
to let them do their jobs.

T'Lyn says I got to put you guys
in danger, so let's do this.

- [PANTING]
- That is not how

I would have communicated
the lesson.

Everybody up.
We've worked together for years.

I trust you.
Big Merp, you're with me.

We're unloading the transport.

Taylor and Meredith,
claim a terminal

and get those power cylinders
reattached.

Nobody's exploding today.

- On it, sir.
- Yes, sir.

- [GRUNTING]
- [BEEPING]

[WHIMPERS]

Aah! Oh, no. Oh.

- [EXCLAIMS]
- Fiddle-de-dah!

[GRUNTS, GASPS]
No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, man, am I in the game?

Move along home.

- Allamaraine, count to four.
- [GRUNTS]

But flizz bop is really
more of a bastardization

of modal skuzz.
Uh, this isn't boring, is it?

Boring?
What?

- How could a musical lecture be boring?
- Okay, so...

BOTH: Allamaraine, then three more.

- Allamaraine, if you can see.
- Allamaraine, then three more.

Faster, mother[BLEEP].

- Allamaraine.
- Allamaraine, you'll come with me.

Later, little girl.

[GRUNTING]

Best of them was probably
Fats B'zirtak,

but he overdosed
on Ketracel-white.

Yeah, that [BLEEP]
will mess you up.

- You have progressed to...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, shap four.

Open the door, come on.

[SIGHING]: Oh.

[BEEPING]

- Ha!
- [BEEP]

Got your ass!

- DIRK: Which takes us up to ...
- Yeah. Yes.

Well, I should probably
get back to my room.

- What?
- Migleemo's coming over

to help me sort
through my trust issues.

Oh. Wait!

Don't you want
to list some more stuff at me?

We can meet up after.
This has been fun.

[GROANS]

This looks dangerous.
Don't fall, Rutherford.

We got to!
[SCREAMS]

[YELLS] Whoa! Wha...?!

- [GRUNTS]
- What? Where am I?

Was that an entire
simulated life?

- Sorry about that.
- [CRYING]: I miss my wife.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Who are your top three
sizzle horn players?

Stop if you like music!

- Ugh! Dirk, wait!
- Huh?

Someone told me there's
no difference between

slop jazz and skuzz blues!

What?!

Whoever told you that is a fool.

Oh, crap.
I forgot.

I'm meeting
Migleemo in his office.

Ha! I had no reason
to come back here for hours.

- [GROANS]
- [SIGHS]

- [GROANS]
- Where are we at with those cylinders?

- Complete!
- Complete!

Securing my final clamp!

Taylor, Merp,
assume the rotational stance.

- [RUMBLING]
- [GASPS, YELLS]

- [GRUNTS] I got this.
- [PANTING]

Rotate... now!

- Captain, power's up!
- Keep the engine running

- while I hack this megastructure.
- VEXILON: What happened?

Oh, no, did I shut down?

- Oh, I'm a terrible host.
- Vexilon, focus.

I need you
to stop the planetary re-genesis

before we all get k*lled.

Yes, of course. I'm so sorry.
This is so embarrassing.

Hey, give me a sec.

BOIMLER: Great work, team.

Now let's get
on the shuttle before...

- [ALARM SOUNDING]
- Aah, the turbine's overheating!

Uh, Captain,
we've got a problem.

FREEMAN: We're almost done.
I need more time.

- Everyone out of here.
- No! We can help.

Ensign, the lieutenant
gave you an order.

Okay, almost... there.

Re-genesis is deactivating.

Lieutenant Boimler,
shut it down.

On it, Captain.

[GASPING]

Bradward, no!

- [CRYING]
- [VOMITING]

The lieutenant junior grade

first mission mortality rate...

appears to be accurate.

[GASPS]

[THUNDER CRACKING]

Uh... hi?

[SPEAKING KOALA]

Aah! Get it off! Get it off me!
[COUGHING]

Holy [BLEEP],
I can't believe that worked.

Did we complete the mission?

Yes, you were the only fatality.

[GROANS] Yup, feels like it.

The captain believes
the updated operating system

will keep the population safe
for over a thousand years.

Your mission was a success.

Well done, Mr. Boimler.

You never forget
your first death.

Only more and more dangerous
missions from here on out.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, come on, I just revived him.

Everybody out!

Give me cc's of whatever just
worked a [BLEEP] minute ago.

TENDI: I am so glad we didn't
get Dirk sucked into the game.

- The guy seems traumatized.
- He's working on it, though.

Under that grouchy exterior

is a guy just trying
to find some peace.

I wish he could find
it without sending me

- all these jazz albums.
- [JAZZ PLAYING]

I like them, and it's bugging
me. I am not a jazz person.

Ugh. I feel silly,

thinking a Starfleet officer
would ever haze someone.

Hmm.
Sorry I ever brought it up.

Next time,
we assume the best in people.

Hear! Hear!

They bought
the Wadi game story, huh?

Oh, yeah. Told them I was stuck
in there for a month.

[LAUGHS]

[QUIETLY]: Hey, little
guy. Go get Rutherford.

Aah! Lancelot! [WHIMPERING]

Oh, new lieutenants
give me life.

RUTHERFORD: Good weasel. Nice weasel.

[WHIMPERING]