04x10 - k*ller's Block

[bunniefuu]

- [HARLEY GRUNTS]
- [THUNDER RUMBLES]

[HARLEY GRUNTING]

[BETHANY GRUNTS]

Give him up.

I'll never betray the man I love.

Even after he disgraced your family?

- [BETHANY GRUNTING]
- On a podcast!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

He sh*t my friend.

Now tell me where he is.

[SPITS] I'm an ER Nurse.

You'll have to k*ll me, bitch.

- I was hoping you'd say that.
- [METAL CLANGS]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Get out of our house, clown.

You don't wanna do this.

Try me.

[GRUNTS AND SNARLS]

Uh, f*ck.

Bravo! Threatening children.

It's certainly a new color
of heroism for the Bat family.

I'm not in the Bat family anymore.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Hope my favorite patient's hungry.

- [SIGHS]
- Three pillows?

Come on, LeAnne.

- That is some shabby service.
- [BARBARA GROWLS]

I said I'd call you when I'm discharged.

I thought maybe your phone was stolen.

Medical facilities are
infamous for electronics theft.

I asked for space to adjust to
being paralyzed from the waist down

and you keep filling
my room with casseroles.

Who do you think washes all these?

I assume LeAnne. Not like
she's doing anything else.

Dude, I only have four
minutes before shift change

to hack into the billing system.

So, thanks for stopping by.

I think she's on her period.

Oh, Fates, release your grasp.

Take me instead.

When I find the monster
responsible for sh**ting my Babsy,

these old tuna cans are going
to tear him limb from limb,

eat the very flesh from his bones,

then make a soothing
broth with his carcass

to use as a base in stews.

Then I'm going to learn
how to make a stew.

Look, I totally feel you,
and I wish I could help,

but I'm taking some me
time away from hero-ing.

My first time was in the back
of my mom's station wagon.

I did it with other people.

I was the only woman.

Mine was on my wedding night.

My husband's still mad.

But you never forget your
first corporate takedown.

To Ivy.

- Aw, thanks.
- [APPLAUDING]

But, you know, it still
feels very unresolved.

Like... Like, nothing's changed.

Change?

Honey, we're trying to get paid.

On to more pressing topics,

- Lex's birthday party on the moon.
- [CROWD CHEERS]

You... Lex as in Lex Luthor or...

He's turning for the th time.

Guys, we just cheers-ed
to me defeating him.

Last year, he rode in on
the back of the JFK car

in Jackie's pink suit.

It was so funny.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Wait, wait, wait. With Lex gone,

we now have the ability
to create something new.

Like a... Like an all-female LOD.

We could really do some
socially conscious evil.

Right?

Aw, you were serious about that?

That's why I took the
job. To make real change.

Ivy, you know how it works.

We win, we lose, we go to parties.

It's business. Don't
make it so personal.

Now, in honor of your big day,

which of these sad, flaccid businessmen

do you wanna throw spoiled fruit at?

- [FRUIT SPLATTERS]
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

[JOKER GRUNTS] Ugh, oh.

Is this because I lied
about k*lling Nightwing?

See, I had to sh**t
Batgirl to make up for it.

Now my comeback's double squashed.

I have , "Joker sh*t Batgirl"
T-shirts sitting at the printer.

I'm going to lose my deposit.

- Order up.
- [ANIMALS SCREECHING]

[SNARLING AND GROWLING]

Oh, Harley. Come on.

We both know this is not how I die.

Right, this is gonna be
too quick with hyenas.

- I'm gonna lose the meat juice.
- [JOKER GRUNTING]

[SHOUTING AND SPITTING]

How many times must we do this dance?

No, no, no. I'm just debating
the perfect way to k*ll you

that won't offend my
friend who hates k*lling.

I know k*ller's block when I see it.

How'd you like me to hook
jumper cables up to your 'nads?

Jumper cables?

You've seen too many
shitty A horror movies.

- You're allergic to peanuts, right?
- [JOKER] Shellfish.

If you were bad, you
would have done it by now.

And if you were good, I'd be in jail.

So which is it, Harley?

Are you good or bad? [CHUCKLING]

Maybe I'm neither.
Maybe I'm in the middle.

You know who's in the middle?

Normies. Uggos.

That forgettable drip I
send my itemized receipts to.

You want vengeance?

- Come at me, dawg.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS]

[HYENAS GROWL]

Oh, my business goddess needs me.

Damn. How did she even get
the camera to that angle?

[LAUGHS] Another stall.

Wait. Can I get some trail mix?

My blood sugar is crashing.

[GROANS]

- [SLURPS]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[POISON IVY] f*cking, what the d*ck?

All these one-percenters
and butlers of one-percenters

wouldn't know accountability if it
stopped up their golden shitters.

Are we not still happy
that you took Lex down?

I mean, it's never enough for
you moguls. You're insatiable.

[SIGHS] I didn't take him down.

He just basically relocated to the moon.

Oh, oh. You know what
makes me feel better

when I can't destroy my enemies?

Dry humping in the closet.

What are these bags?

They're from the EWBC lunches. Ugh!

Those business tote-c**ts.

[HARLEY READING]

Is that a typo?

You know what? I have an idea.

Wanna be my plus-one to a
birthday party on the moon?

[GASPS] Do I have time to shave my legs?

f*ck it, yes! Rip out Lex's fillers

and show everyone I am
a very decisive revenger,

not a staller.

So, you... Wait, you
haven't k*lled Joker yet?

I'm so sorry to make
your thing my thing.

Boss Bitch Level Infinity.

Okay, this one's kind of cute.

No, I know. Let's bring it.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

The mother box.

My favorite means of intergalactic
travel and body part. Wink.

Harls, focus.

I can't wait to see those
EWBC turncoats' faces

when I f*cking destroy
that little birthday boy.

Ivy? Oh, you've come to your senses.

Yep. That's what I've done.

And you brought your hag. Wonderful.

- Talia al Ghul.
- We've met countless times.

Smells like... [SNIFFS]

- ... corporate espionage and Gotham Lady Perfume.
- [CREATURE CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Are we at Lex's b-day party?

You're not a guest. You're luggage.

Everyone knows if you don't k*ll
a hostage in the first days,

it's never gonna happen. [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Ooh, good to see you, girl. [LAUGHS]

I just had my ass done

and if I pop a stitch, I'm
out of pocket for touch-ups.

Love your leash. [GIGGLES]

Did you copy it from me?

Oh. Ooh, Harley, come
join the plus-ones.

[HARLEY] Ooh,

playing a little five-card stud
with your wives' purse money?

[CHUCKLING] Well, we do
like to stir up trouble

while our ladies talk shop.

You know, being an evil She-EO's
plus-one is harder than it looks.

Can't wear socks with loafers anymore.

Hmm. That must be a challenge for
those of you with feminine ankles.

[LAUGHS] Wit. You are funny.

We have been looking
for a funny plus-one.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Any of you cucks know
where I can take a wiz?

Girlfriend, no.

Guests of guests aren't
allowed to use Lex's bathrooms.

You'll need to go next door,
which requires finding a valet,

and then take a moon buggy, and then...

Yeah, I'll figure it out.

Thanks.

So, now that you've
proven to be sound of mind,

I'd love to let you in on my plans

- for Lazaru and the Hot Springs.
- [VERONICA GRUNTS]

We're taking anti-aging science
to the brink of legality.

Edging with the legal
system is my love language.

Cheers!

Still waiting on that trail mix.

I'll take baby pretzels
at this point, Jesus.

You're lucky I don't feed
you to the dark void of space.

[BUTTON BEEPING]

Ugh, no ladies room on the moon.

f*cking figures.

[MAN GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

Help me. Harley!

- [GASPS]
- [GROANS]

- Superman?
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

No. No photos.

Okay. Do you know where the bathroom is?

Quick! That button turns off
the kryptonite force field.

Uh... I don't wanna get involved.

What? What about the hero code?

Okay, I am a neutral third
party these days, hello!

Here for the free drinks and mingling.

Oh, and, of course, to
support my bae k*lling Lex

due to their business, but
also personal strifes, you know.

She won't be able to
defeat Lex. [GROANS]

He's become too powerful.

Where's that over the hill hosebeast?

[EMCEE] Welcome! Our
gracious host, Lex Luthor,

has planned a night
of treats for his th.

We've got poppers, crypto scratch-offs,

and now, a performance by Clayface.

I planned to join in person,

but those monsters
at moon customs denied

my emotional support capybara.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SINGING] ♪ Happy birth... ♪

- 'Tis I! SuperLex Man.
- [GUESTS CLAMORING]

[CHEERING]

Okay.

He used the ozone laser to block
the sun until I was weak enough.

I'm the most powerful man alive.

Then he took me prisoner,

took my cape, drained my powers...

... absorbed him
physically and mentally.

... and worst of all,

- he has my hair!
- I have his hair.

Oh, f*ck. Ivy!

Hey, what about me? [THUDS]

♪ Happy Birthday ♪

- ♪ To you ♪
- Ivy, how big of you to come.

Sadly, the caterers
didn't plan for crashers.

Oh, I'm not here to eat.

I'm here to k*ll you and then
wear your skin as a trophy.

[DOG YELPS]

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH GROWLING]

- [LEX GRUNTS]
- [ALL EXCLAIMING] Oh!

How does it feel to be less
powerful than me in every way?

[SCOFFS] You have
always underestimated me.

[GRUNTS]

I think I estimated you accurately.

- Some light compliments, a gorgeous PR team...
- [POISON IVY GRUNTS]

- ... and you became a perfectly ineffective puppet...
- Ah!

- [GRUNTS]
- ... to warm my seat at the LOD while I built this.

[GRUNTS] Oh, I... I... I'll
show you who's a puppet.

- [LEX GRUNTS]
- [ALL GASP]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

This is why I don't do private gigs.

I should have learned my
lesson at Cher's Easter brunch.

[VERONICA] I saw Tony
Robbins do this in Miami.

Then he ate my gooch on
the sundeck for three hours.

[GRUNTS] Ugh!

Oh, you think this is a party trick?

Wake up! Don't you see
how dangerous he is?

Fighting Lex at his own party?

Such a bad look.

Powerful businesswomen
take an L and move on.

I thought you would understand
that from my mentoring.

Lose my number and my real number.

Screw this. I don't need friends.

I... I'm a powerful businesswoman.

[GRUNTS]

Lady trees, socially
conscious evil, splashy words.

But ultimately, you accomplish nothing.

[LAUGHS]

Nobody pins Ivy in the corner.

[GRUNTS]

- [ALL CHEERING]
- [HARLEY YELPS]

[POISON IVY GRUNTS]

I get better workouts digesting dairy.

[HARLEY AND POISON IVY SCREAM]

[LAUGHING]

[ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

This is so embarrassing.

I just feel like nobody... [SIGHS]

Nobody takes me seriously.

It... It's almost like you can't
change the system from the inside.

We both tried and look what happened.

Wow, you really went through
it with the plus-ones, huh?

I actually meant the Bat family.

Screw those narcs.

I mean, you work so hard.

I was basically the Bat family's
hot stepmom no one trusted.

Well, that's bullshit.

And by the way, you'd
be the hottest stepmom.

Plus, you and I both know
it's the kids you can't trust.

I wonder if Princess
Ladyfingers still exists,

since, you know, we
stopped the apocalypse,

and, like, changed the
whole course of history.

We did do that, didn't we?

You know what? f*ck it.

We are so powerful.

Even if none of these
assholes can see it,

we're gonna show them anyway.

Oh, I miss seeing that
destructive glimmer in your eye.

[GASPS] Let's do this!

For our daughter, who
may or may not exist

and may or may not try to k*ll us.

But wait, what are we doing?

We're gonna make the
world a better place.

Now, let's go find
that dumb ozone laser.

[GASPS AND SQUEALS]

[MOANS]

[FUNKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[JEFFREY GROANS]

- Gotcha, bitch. Gotcha, bitch.
- [ALL CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

Jeffrey, you are a trip.

It's funny 'cause I don't even eat cake.

- Seriously, someone take this...
- [MOTOR REVVING]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Every woman in STEM knows

that lasers have three functions.

The task they're designed
for, removing hair follicles,

and blowing sh*t the f*ck up.

- And that's the function we'll be using.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Ugh, God, Batgirl will
be so great at this

breaking into the laser thing.

She loves codes and typing and sh*t.

Too bad she's mad at me.

- [YELPS]
- sh*t.

All right. Lex is
following us. Call Batgirl.

No, no, no. Listen.

- She needs to focus on her recovery, okay?
- [GRUNTS]

- Besides, I can't feed into this computer obsession.
- [GRUNTS]

She might become one of those people

who gets addicted to her online life,

and then forgets to eat anything
but salt and vinegar chips

- and dies of scurvy.
- [GRUNTS]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[GRUNTS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

f*cking call her, Harls.

- Fine. Ugh!
- [GRUNTS]

- [CELL PHONE BUZZES]
- [LINE CONNECTS]

[ON PHONE] It's me,
Harley. Don't hang up.

I'm sure you're busy
eating powdered applesauce

glaring at LeAnne, but...

Stop treating me like a victim.

I get enough from my dad, my doctors,

the old lady who comes in here
and thinks I'm her dead husband.

Uh... Didn't know you felt
that way. But, uh, yeah.

- I'm calling you for serious world saving help.
- [GRUNTS]

Ivy's here. You're on speakerphone.

- [CELL PHONE SQUEAKS]
- Hi, Ivy.

Hi. Um, so can you, like,
hack into a moon buggy?

Easy. Hit me with the model number.

- [POISON IVY GRUNTS]
- [HARLEY YELPS]

It's printed above the left bumper.

[POISON IVY] M as in m*therf*cker,

B as in bitch,

dash, , , , .

[HARLEY] And, listen. Take
it slow. If you can't do it...

I'm in.

My buggy's busted.

[BATGIRL ON INTERCOM] The
destination has been rerouted.

[BOTH CHEER AND LAUGH]

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

I demand to talk to whoever's in charge.

Perhaps your male superior?

This is a one-woman operation, assh*le.

Batgirl did it! We're in.

What... What are you doing?

[POISON IVY] Mowing down tech, oil,

and cosmetic pharmaceutical companies

in the name of socially conscious evil.

Oh, I love the plan, very
emotionally cool, obvs,

but maybe first, let's
evacuate the buildings, huh?

I mean, do we really have to, or...

I just remotely pulled all
the fire alarms in Gotham.

Okay, now you're just showing off.

Who we gonna blow up first, hot stuff?

Let's rain fire on EWBC!

[HARLEY SQUEALS]

Veronica Cale's company, boom!

Talia's Wayne sh*t, boom!

That overpriced oyster place
that isn't even good, boom!

What the zuck?

[MAN MUMBLES INAUDIBLY]

What the f*ck?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

- [BATGIRL ON SPEAKER] Evacuate the building immediately.
- [CAPYBARA SCREECHES]

[CLAYFACE] Drats! Bankrupt again.

- Curse you, White Collar Wine.
- [CROWD CLAMORING]

[DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING]

The world needs Batman
again. [SNAPS FINGERS]

Do it. Call Judge Chase.

Tell him his stepdaughter got an
internship at WayneTone Records.

[LAWYER ON PHONE] I'll
have you out by lunch.

I love when we're in sync like this.

Yeah, like back in ' ,

when Dizzy Gillespie horned
it up with Charles Mingus.

Turn that thing off.
You're gonna break the moon.

[GRUNTING]

Yeah, and for my m*therf*cking encore,

the Legion of Kaboom!

What? Ivy, are you sure?

What about everything you've built?

I didn't build anything, Harls.

I was just part of the problem.

[CROWD SCREAMING]

[BATGIRL ON SPEAKER] Evacuate
the building immediately.

So do we work from home now? Or...

Gotcha, bitch.

Hey, this is kind of
weird for me to say,

but your occasional
willingness to help people

even while blowing the sh*t
out of them is inspiring to me.

Like, tote bag level-inspiring.

Aw, thanks, Ive.

But it's a real pain in
the ass being in the middle.

Baby, you're not in the middle.

You're on the outside.

And that's what I
love about you. I mean,

it's your... It's your superpower.

[expl*si*n]

- [GRUNTS]
- [DEVICE CHARGING]

Steppenwolf! You came?

No RSVP, no problem.

The caterers planned for crashers.

[POISON IVY] Thanks, Steppy.

No, wait!

- I thought we were business bros.
- [DEVICE BEEPS]

We gotta get out of here.

[JEFFREY SCREECHES]

- Oh, sh*t. Hold my leash.
- [JOKER GRUNTS]

What... What happened?
You forget your purse?

You gonna tell all the hoes in the
Justice League a normie saved you?

I always knew you were a hero.

I'm better than a hero.

I'm Harley f*cking Quinn.

I started a Fortune
company just to commit a crime

worthy enough to land me in Blackgate.

The food is good, but not that good.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] No.

While I'm intrigued to dine at
Dominique Crenn's commissary pop-up,

- I actually did it all to be reunited with... [GASPS]
- [DOOR BEEPS]

Master Bruce.

Hey, Alfred. Got my own ride. Thanks.

- I'll see you at the Manor.
- [REPORTERS CLAMORING]

[GROANS]

Oh, shitstick. Did I forget
my own birthday again?

What?

- You and me are gonna have some fun...
- [JOKER YELPS]

... A horror movie style.

My daughter turned me on to those films.

I don't get them, but I do understand

what jumper cables can
do to a man's 'nads.

Someone just sh**t me already.

Or at least take me to the
printers to pick up my T-shirts.

[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING]

- [MOON RUMBLING]
- [RUSTLING]

God, longest pee ever.

I just had to pay my respects
to the GOAT. [EXHALES]

Hey, so what's next for a
couple of outsiders like us?

I don't know.

But, we're gonna do it together.

Right, peanut?

[BOTH MOANING]

Wow, that is messed up.

Oh, come on.

My hands weren't even in her pants yet.

I was talking about the moon.

Thanks for your help up there,
by the way. You did good.

I wouldn't be here without
you, you little nerd.

Well, I'm glad you called me.

It felt good to do something that
matters with people I care about.

Even if you did end up blowing up
half of Gotham with a laser, you B.

f*ck the rules.

F the rules indeed,

That's why I can't
stay in the Bat family.

I quit, too.

sh*t, yeah, dog!

Wait.

So is that why you called us out here

to the cemetery in the
middle of the night?

I thought you guys invited me here.

Mm, sorry for the
late-night theatrics, ladies.

Oh, wow. I mean, hey.
[CHUCKLES] It's you.

There you are. Where you been, girl?

[GRUNTS AND THUDS] Yikes.

I'm all right. I'm good.

I... I am standing on a casket,
which is, you know, not awesome.

But I was just doing a
little light grave robbing

when I stumbled on some missing
booty I thought my interest you.

Someone dug up Nightwing.

And they left the custom casket?

[WHISPERING] That was very expensive.

Selina, I'm sorry. Are
you looking out for us?

Aren't you supposed to be
on some art heist in Monaco?

Maybe the call of the Gotham City
sirens was just too seductive.

Pinch my f*cking nips!

The Gotham City Sirens
is a good nickname for us.

Well, I... I don't know if it's,
like, better than the Cobb squad,

- but, yeah, you know...
- [ALL MUMBLING AND DISAGREEING]

Um, what about the birds of prey?

- No.
- I'm not a bird, you know what I mean?

- There's no flying, really.
- None of us are even bird-themed.

Well, that settles what's next.

The Gotham City Sirens are gonna
find out who stole Nightwing.

I mean, we'll obviously
take the weekend off.

What's the worst thing that can happen?

He's already dead.

[HARLEY, POISON IVY AND CATWOMAN LAUGH]

[BATGIRL] It's not that funny.

[BELL DINGS]

Now, Damian, don't be alarmed.

Your friend will be a
little different, but better.

[NIGHTWING GROANS]

Where the f*ck is Harley Quinn?

[TALIA CHUCKLES]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]