10x01 - Chalk And Cheese

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss

♪ When my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss

♪ Stay in my memory? ♪

CLASS SINGING ♪ And so say all of us

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow

♪ And so say all of us. ♪

APPLAUSE

Oh, how lovely! Thank you very much, children.

Oh! And a present.

Three cheers for Miss Hanson. Hip, hip.

ALL: Hooray!

- Hip, hip. - Hooray!

- Hip, hip. - Hooray!

That's to go in the master bedroom.

Be careful of the chair, the legs are a little delicate.

I'm sorry. We seem to be blocking your way.

Will they be long?

Well, they've only just arrived.

- I'll have a word. - No, don't bother.

I'm only going to the farm next door.

- I can walk. - That's very kind.

Oh, you've picked yourself a lovely spot.

CELIA: Yes.

COWS MOO

DOGS BARK

LEN: You've got company.

DON: Here. Have another go.

- No motor? What's going on? - I left it by the cottage.

There's a removal van blocking the lane.

Oh, aye?

The new owner says they'll be gone in an hour, if you need to get by.

That's decent of 'em.

She seems very nice. She's a retired teacher.

Teacher?

HE GRUNTS

Are you coming in?

g*nshots

DOG BARKS

Quiet, Suki.

It's all right, darling. It's all right, Suki.

It's all right.

Tea's made.

ENGINE SPUTTERING

Come on. ENGINE FAILS TO START

Oh, bother.

Come on, girl.

ENGINE GRINDS

Come on, come on.

ENGINE GRINDS

COWS MOOING

That's nice.

Hmm. Yes...

There's not too much garden. Dad'll be pleased about that.

Not having the staff anymore.

Mike! They treated their South African servants very well.

- I didn't say they didn't. - Mmm.

- Yeah, it is nice. - It's not too big.

Hmm. And not too near.

It's wet through, is this.

Have you got a dry cloth?

I'm Celia Hanson, by the way.

Just moved in.

You make an early start for the day, I notice.

You and your shotgun.

One forgets what a dawn-to-dusk job it is.

Prone to damp, are these.

- Really? - Try it now.

ENGINE STARTS Wonderful!

What a relief.

Thank you so much for helping me.

I didn't have a lot of choice.

No. Well, thank you anyway.

You've done a good job there, Frank.

You wouldn't know there were owt under it.

Bit of grass seed and it'll be as good as new.

- What'd I tell you? - Aye, you did.

You've got to see it to believe it. I only wish I got another field.

- Others have. - What good's that to me?

Find me some punters and I'll pay you commission.

Easy money, Claude.

You know where to find me.

I reckon you've done all right there.

He's done better, though, hasn't he?

Mind you, now we know what he knows, we can go wholesale.

What do you mean?

When did you ever know me working for commission?

As the song says, anything Frank can do, we can do better.

And cop the lot.

Bottom field first.

TRACTOR ENGINE ROARS

Oh!

Oh, thank you.

I'm no stranger to the countryside, Councillor Blaketon.

School nature trips were my speciality.

But there's manure and there's manure.

I'm sure you'll understand that.

Uh...

I'm not sure if I do, Miss Hanson.

But there's manure, Mr Blaketon.

And there's slurry. Mr Foster spreads the latter.

Oh, well. It must be something we've got used to.

Foster's been farming Blackbrook for more than years.

He has his own way of doing things, I expect.

Just a touch on the tiller is all I'm asking.

Perhaps you could speak to his wife.

- He lives on his own. - Ah.

His wife left him some years back.

Yes. Well...

Whatever you can do, I'd be most grateful.

I'll have a word.

How long have I known you, Donald?

Long enough to know you're always short of money.

I wanna give you a chance to make a few bob.

Shut the gate on your way out.

Exactly. I'm not talking just a few pennies.

I can give you quid for the use

of this field for a month. - What's the catch?

- Here we go again. There ain't one! - And my name is Mahatma Gandhi.

How can a field be worth £ a month?

You'll be wearing a white sheet with sandals

Look! I want to use it as a tip.

What we do is we excavate a big hole and take away the topsoil.

Then I bring in lorry loads of rubble and rubbish,

and when we fill the hole up, we bring the soil back.

It'll be just the same as it was before. This field's perfect.

- Oh, aye? - Yeah.

You don't realise it, but you're standing on a goldmine.

- A graveyard, more like. - How do you mean?

There's head of cattle buried here already.

Slaughtered seven years ago during the foot and mouth outbreak.

Well, that just proves me point, don't it?

Who'd know what were under here now?

Not you, maybe, but me. I can still smell 'em.

What about your other field, down by the cottage?

I'll think about it.

Don't think about it too long, you might miss the boat.

I'll think about it!

We could dig the hole while you're thinking about it...

DOGS BARKING

CLAUDE: You've got company.

I'll see you about it later. If you've got any sense,

you'd let the dogs loose.

OSCAR: It's a fine beast you've got there, Mr Foster.

If it took him as long to do his job as it takes you

to speak your business, he'd be on a butcher's slab.

OSCAR CHUCKLES Well, it's your new neighbour.

She's been wondering why you have to start sh**ting

at six o'clock in the morning.

You what?

Some people need their beauty sleep,

especially if they've retired.

DON: I'm not retired.

Not you, her.

Are you telling me she's complained?

Let's just say I'm here on a goodwill mission, right?

Fool's errand, more like.

You can tell the teacher I'll not be standing in no corner.

I'll do what I want when I want.

And if I'm out sh**ting, you can tell her to keep out of me sights.

Hiya, Phil. What are you doing here?

I dropped something off at the police house for Mike.

Too miserable to put the kettle on.

Got it in one.

Did you get a look at the new decor?

Decor? Oh, yeah.

Must have cost the constabulary a bob or two.

Unless Jackie's folks insisted on paying for it.

I'm saying nothing.

Mike tells me you're not going to the opening

of that new club with him. - Yeah, well. You know how it is.

Since I chucked Andy, I haven't been the life and soul.

They're really disappointed.

I know. I just couldn't face it.

You were wasted on that charlie.

No need to try too hard. Your cuppa's coming.

- I mean it. - I know.

You're a mate.

So, how about you, me, Mike and Jackie go to that opening?

- No, Phil. I can't.

Yes, you can.

And I guarantee you'll have a great time. Trust me.

It's all right, Suki. It's all right.

Shh. Quiet now.

MOOS LOUDLY

Wretched farmer!

CELIA: Oh, no! MOOING

Shoo! Shoo!

Obstruction of a public footpath by an animal or anything else

is a county council matter, Miss Hanson.

Yes, well... That is somewhat different.

Gina was adamant. She wouldn't go when I asked.

That was you. This is me.

Is there any chance of you two concentrating on the job in hand?

Sorry, Alf. Fire away.

Spurs versus Nottingham Forest?

Away win.

PHIL: Agreed.

Blackburn Rovers versus Don...

- Still here, Bellamy? - Just going, Sarge.

This is for you, Bradley. A Miss Hanson of Lee Cottage,

in a bit of a lather about marauding cows.

Sounds like a neighbour dispute.

Was that you who put her through to me, Ventress?

- Yes, sarge. - Too busy to handle it yourself?

She wanted to speak to someone in authority, Sarge.

Well, if she calls again, try and assume some, will you?

- MICHAEL: Mr Foster? - Aye.

Miss Hanson has made a complaint, Sir.

Can we... talk about this inside, please?

- No. - Right. Well...

Miss Hanson says you released a bull into a field

where the public have a right of way.

So what?

My bull's no danger to anybody. He hasn't got a rush in him.

You expect people to take your word for that?

They can please theirselves.

Miss Hanson also says that one of your cows

got into her garden and ruined her washing. Is that true?

How would I know?

I saw it with my own eyes. Criminal damage, at the very least.

- Have you nowt better to do? - Frankly, yes.

If you could show a bit more consideration to your neighbour,

we'd all be happy, wouldn't we?

Perhaps on offer of compensation on the clothing

would settle the matter.

If you think so, fine. Take it out of the station petty cash.

So, what did you advise her to do?

I told her to shorten her washing line.

Helpful as ever.

She must've known what it'd be like, living next to a farm.

She probably fell in love with the cottage,

and didn't think it through. - But that's not Don Foster's fault.

He's too used to having his own way, that's his trouble.

- No wife, you mean? - Exactly.

I heard some gossip

about that, actually. - About what?

About the way his wife suddenly disappeared.

- Oh? - It's only tittle-tattle.

Sounds intriguing.

I'll tell you on the way.

♪ No, no, no

♪ Say you don't need no diamond ring and I'll be satisfied

♪ Tell me you want the kind of things

♪ That money just can't buy... ♪

That's fixed.

She's more like her old self.

Yeah. Good move, Phil.

She's in her element. Warm atmosphere, live band.

Good company.

SONG ENDS

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. We've got a real treat for you now.

A member of the audience

will come up and sing with us. Gina Ward, will you come up?

CHEERS Whose idea was this?

I'll strangle you!

Knock 'em dead!

- There you go. - I've already got one, Claude.

Now you've got two, but who's counting?

Okay.

This business you've been talking about

would there be any money in advance?

It's in an envelope in my pocket.

Say the word and it could be in yours. Cheers.

- Hello, Oscar. - Ah, Maggie.

- No Gina tonight? - No, she's gone off to a do.

Oh, good. It's about time she came out of mourning.

I'll have a G&T, please.

♪ You'll never know That I still love you so

♪ Only heartaches remain

♪ I'll do my crying in the rain

♪ Raindrops falling from heaven

♪ Could never wash away my misery

♪ But since we're not together

♪ I look for stormy weather

♪ To hide these tears I hope you'll never see

♪ Someday when my crying's done

♪ I'm going to wear a smile And walk in the sun

♪ I may be a fool, but till then, darling

♪ You'll never see me complain

♪ I'll do my crying in the rain

♪ I'll do my crying in the rain

♪ I'll do my crying in the rain. ♪

APPLAUSE

I've got the Revenue and the bank on my back.

So I've come along at the right time, then.

All these wagons coming and going, I'm not so sure.

Wagons coming and going?

Is this another t*rture you're planning to inflict on Miss Hanson?

You what? It's her torturing me.

Oh, aye. Very likely.

Don't look at me, Oscar. I'm not taking sides.

Why not? Everybody else is having a go at me.

Well, it does seem a shame to start her retirement like this.

Shame! She plonks herself down

and expects everybody to dance to her tune.

"Do this! Do that!" Typical teacher.

Calm down, Donald.

I'll calm down when I'm in a box. Till then, I'll have me say.

Well, not in here, you won't.

- Are you going to stop me? - Donald. Donald...

If you hadn't poked your big nose in, Blaketon,

happen she'd have shut up by now. - You've had enough.

Greengrass, take him home, will you?

- Put that back. - I think we probably ought to...

Put it back. Or you can have this and all.

- Hey! - Don't thr*aten me, Foster.

I'm not a small, defenceless woman like Miss Hanson.

I've just paid two and thruppence for that.

All right, that's it.

Get out of here, the pair of you. Get out! And don't come back.

You're barred!

- Barred! - Sounds like a flaming sheep.

What did you wanna go

and do that for? - Where's that money?

What?

You dump your rubbish, Claude.

Then the closer to t'teacher's front door, the better.

I thought after the police visit, things would improve.

Are you sure about this, Oscar?

I heard enough to know what they were upto.

But Foster and Greengrass would need planning approval.

It could be the sort of rubbish that leaches into the water course,

or attracts vermin. - Oh, please. Stop.

I'm acting for Mr Foster on a new tenancy agreement,

so I'll have to ask one of my partners to handle this.

Stick 'em with t'others.

LEN: They need sorting out, Don.

Give us 'em here.

Revenue.

Bank.

Animal feed bill.

Stick it behind the clock with the others.

Aye, all right.

Is there owt else?

Letter from t'solicitor.

That'll be my new tenancy agreement.

No, they're acting on behalf of that teacher.

Threatening you legal action if you cause her any more nuisance.

Huh.

DOGS BARKING

Here we are, Suki.

Home.

Go away. Go away!

It's all right, Suki. It's all right.

HORN BLARING

SUKI YIPS

BARKING

Good boy. Good boy!

Is this where Frank Jarvis gets all his rubbish from?

It might be.

Fair bit of it. And we got the hole to stick it in.

Look at that.

How much do you reckon they want for that?

You haven't got the hang of all this.

We don't buy things from them. They pay us to take the stuff away.

Ah, right. Keep your eye on the lorry, I'll go and see

if I can find a gaffer.

Morning. Claude Greengrass Waste Disposal.

Could be your lucky day. LAUGHS

Hey. Where did you get that?

Over there. There's all sorts of stuff.

Is there? Don't get too attached to it

or you might follow it down the hole.

Are you done talking with the gaffer?

He's gonna give us quid for every load we take away.

Stick with your Uncle Claude.

You know what they say, where there's muck...

There's you.

Something like that!

Do you think I should call Gina?

No, she'll be all right now she's had a good cry.

She didn't say a word on the way back.

I feel responsible.

Well, I should hope so. It was a terrible idea.

Yes, madam?

I'd like to speak to someone with authority, please.

Well, perhaps I could help.

Thank you, no.

Hello, Miss Hanson.

Oh, have you been in the wars?

That's exactly what it is, Constable.

w*r.

Mr Greengrass?

I could be.

Skinner from the District Council Planning Office.

What can we do for you?

Councillor Blaketon has warned us

of possible planning infringements in the area.

Blaketon? He were once a copper and now he's a politician.

So I won't put too much money on what he says.

Do you know a Frank Jarvis, Mr Greengrass?

Jarvis? I don't think so. Why?

We believe he's been tipping waste without planning permission.

Has he? That's bad, is it?

Depends if you're sitting on top of it,

Mr Greengrass.

DOGS BARKING

Shut up!

Now what?

Well, Mr Foster...

I'm investigating a serious as*ault. On Miss Hanson.

What's that got to do with me?

She says she was bitten by one of your dogs.

- Bitten? - Badly enough to need stitches

and a tetanus jab.

Did you untie them?

What if I did? Dogs can't be tied up all day.

The law holds owners responsible for their animals, Mr Foster.

At best, you could be sent to court

for failure to control. At worst, a charge of as*ault.

Either way would result

in the destruction order for your dogs.

Nay! Talk sense, man.

I tried to warn you, Mr Foster.

Thank you for your time, Mr Greengrass.

If you're approached by Jarvis, I trust you'll give me a call.

Of course.

I wouldn't wait up. Go and put the kettle on.

Er... Is that your field?

Oh... yes, yes...

Awful lot of fresh topsoil there, Mr Greengrass.

Yes, well... I'm thinking of planting some carrots.

Are we really planting carrots?

I sometimes wonder if you're taking the whatsit.

And so while he's looking for Jarvis,

it'll keep him off our backs. Kettle.

The last time I was here, it was very spartan.

- It's lovely. - Thank you.

I heard about your injury.

That's very efficient of you.

It really isn't serious enough to bring you out of your way.

The first-year class was my favourite.

Rogues and angels, I loved them all. I can say that now.

Quite a change to this.

Yes. Though it isn't as quiet as I'd expected.

It takes time to convert some of the natives.

I hope I'm not trying to do that.

Do you know Mr Foster?

Not well. I knew his wife better.

She tried to stick it, but I'm afraid

the foot and mouth outbreak was the last straw.

That must have been hard on him.

Hmm. What made it worse

was when Joan disappeared without a trace one day.

And people started asking what he'd done with her.

- Really? - Bar-room bunkum,

but you can't stop them once they start.

You must have been terrified when those dogs att*cked you.

Yes.

They'll probably have to be put down now.

Oh, surely not.

One of those things.

Ah, Philip.

- Hello, Oscar. Is Gina in? - Yeah.

- How is she? - Well, you know.

Phil.

Gina. I just thought I'd better... pop in.

I'm glad you have.

Because I just wanted to say thanks for last night.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

A real tonic. Just what I needed.

- Was there something you wanted? - Yeah. I'll have a pint.

CAR SPLUTTERS

There's a good girl. Come on!

SHE EXCLAIMS

CELIA: Drat!

You better move that car or I'll drive straight through it!

TRACTOR ENGINE REVVING

SHE SCREAMS

How long are you gonna keep me?

As long as it takes.

- It were an accident! - Really?

Obvious.

The tractor's been playing up for a while.

- Only there's a pattern, Mr Foster. - You what?

Of threatening behaviour.

Maybe so.

But this were an accident.

"I'll drive straight through it." That's what he said?

"You'd better move that car or I'll drive straight through it."

Yes.

How many more times?

Just to be sure.

I took the second bale off the trailer.

I went to throw it over the wall.

When I turned round, the tractor were on its way.

There were nowt I could do!

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

Sarge, can I have a word?

I've got to get back for milking.

Len can't cope by himself.

We'll get a message to him.

HE SIGHS

So. He threatened to do it.

Well, strictly speaking, the threat was to the car.

With her in it or behind it, what's the difference?

You've heard the rumours

concerning the disappearance of his wife?

Yes, sarge.

Thanks for letting me know.

CLUCKING

"By the time I turned round, the tractor was on its way.

"There was nothing I could do."

I've told you all that. I've got to get back!

When you found Miss Hanson blocking that road,

do you remember what you said to her?

Let me help.

"You'd better move that car or I'll drive straight through it."

It was said in the heat of the moment.

- But you did say it. - It wasn't meant. It's obvious.

You keep saying it's obvious but what seems obvious

is that you meant every word. - No!

You don't like women much, do you, Foster?

- You what? - You've already told me

about your wife leaving. - What's that got to do with it?

I've had enough daft questions.

Sit down!

So, you don't bear a grudge against Miss Hanson?

- No! - Pals now, is it?

I wouldn't say that.

I'm sure you wouldn't, she's turned your life upside down.

No wonder you're in a rage.

I'm not in a rage I'm just trying to earn a living!

And she wouldn't let you?

- No... - No?

You're putting words in me mouth now.

The truth is, ever since she came here

you've made that poor woman's life a misery.

You think what you like.

I've got things to do that can't wait.

You're incensed because she's invaded your territory.

I've got to go!

You turned your bull into that field,

you set dogs on her, fired g*ns within feet of her home

and then, you try to run her over!

That's what you tried to do,

you tried to run her over! - Yes!

DOOR THUDS

What's happened?

Foster's confessed to trying to mow her down.

- Confessed? - Don't ask.

Can I go now?

No.

But I've signed it!

Sit down, Mr Foster.

We'd best get him a solicitor, sarge.

Fine by me.

Then I want you to follow up another line of enquiry.

- What's that, sarge? - Foster's wife.

You want to interview her?

No, Ventress.

I want to know if she's still alive.

Shut up!

He's not here. Your lot got him.

- No, it's you I want to talk to. - Oh, aye?

Joan Foster. You worked here when she left?

Yeah.

- Was it a sudden decision? - How do you mean?

Was it a surprise when she went?

Yeah and no. She wasn't very happy I could see that.

But farm folk usually stick it out whatever.

Did they row?

At t'finish. It were a rough time.

We slaughtered a whole herd in one day.

The boss went a bit mad. You can't blame Joan for going.

Didn't she say cheerio, or anything?

Not to me.

You've no idea where she went?

Is there a photo of her around?

- There's one behind t'clock. - Ta.

If it wasn't true, why did you sign it?

I had to get back, but he kept going on at me!

All I wanted to do was shut him up and get out.

So I signed it and they still wouldn't let me go.

- He started on about Joan. - Joan?

The wife. She's been gone seven years

and he expects me to know where she is.

You should have asked for me sooner.

There were nowt to it.

It were an accident, plain and simple.

She could have registered as Foster,

or maybe her maiden name, Phillips.

Joan Phillips or Joan Foster.

Soon as I can.

Check for any new accounts in either name.

- Yes. - Anything of interest?

I have a lead on a woman who went south.

- London? - No. Pickering.

Well, Sergeant. Would you like to tear up Mr Foster's statement

and start again? - I'll stick with this one, thanks.

You think a confession extracted by bullying can convince a court?

Me, bully that mountain of a man? How on Earth would I do that?

- You'll grant him bail, I presume. - Sorry, no.

- Why not? - We have further enquiries to make.

In view of the threat he poses to Miss Hanson,

I shall be asking for remand in custody.

For heaven's sake, this man isn't a villain.

When the red mist descends, I think he's capable of anything.

Well, I'm surprised at you, Alf.

DOGS BARKING OUTSIDE

Well, I only met her a couple of times. Why?

Well, I'm trying to trace her.

- In connection with this case? - Sort of.

Craddock reckons if Foster was capable of this as*ault, what else?

In my day, that would mean putting two and two together

and making .

- Exactly. - Mind you,

he did have the perfect opportunity.

And the right place to dispose of a body.

I know. There's a lot of digging.

Just think of the overtime.

No, thank you.

But I found someone who swears that Joan Foster

latched on to a guest house owner from Pickering.

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Not you again.

What're they doing here? Didn't you come on your own?

These gentlemen are here to check your field, Mr Greengrass.

Check me... What for?

Evidence of unauthorised tipping.

They can take a tip from me and tip-off, and you can join 'em.

I can bring the police next time, Mr Greengrass.

What are those men doing, Mr Greengrass?

They're trying to dig up dirt on me and Frank Jarvis.

They won't have to go down far either.

Shall I give 'em a hand?

- What for? - To show we have nothing to hide.

Like a hundred lorry loads of rubbish? Don't talk daft.

We'll need divine intervention

if we're going to get out of this one.

I'd better go and have a word with Don Foster

Tell him to keep his trap shut.

While I'm gone, keep your eyes and ears open

and everything else closed.

Did they make you comfortable?

I've had worse nights.

Let's hope you won't have to get used to it.

I have to persuade the bench that you pose no threat to Miss Hanson.

Then they'll let me go?

Hopefully. Until the trial proper, but with some conditions.

Like what?

That you don't go anywhere near Miss Hanson.

No fear of that.

Where's Mr Greengrass?

Oh, he... he had to go out.

It's come up lovely, hasn't it?

Sergeant.

Still no news from Alf,

and Phil's enquiries have come to a dead end.

Like Joan Foster, perhaps.

May I have a word, Sergeant?

Yes, of course, Miss Hanson.

I couldn't sleep last night thinking of Mr Foster.

Rest assured, he won't bother you.

It isn't that.

I've taught children for over years, Sergeant.

And in a way, they've taught me, about people.

I know Mr Foster's a cussed, ill-tempered individual,

but he's not a bad man.

That's very generous, Miss Hanson.

But we have a confession that he intended to harm you.

He set his dogs on you,

you've got the scars to prove it. - Well, no, you see, I haven't.

- I'm sorry? - I lied about the dogs, Sergeant.

They were really after my Suki.

Naturally, she was terrified,

and when I reached out to calm her...

- She bit you. - Yes.

Even the tractor incident wouldn't have happened

if I'd got my car in proper working order.

Miss Hanson, despite your admission,

you're not to blame. Mr Foster brought this on himself.

It's rather hard on him, don't you think?

No, I don't. And further enquiries may have confirmed my view.

All rise, please.

If you'll excuse me.

Further enquiries?

Routine follow-up.

Can't we stop all this now, Constable?

Sorry. Excuse me.

PC Alf Ventress.

No. Sorry.

Good morning, madam.

PC Alf Ventress, Ashfordly Police. Do you recognise this lady?

Sorry, I don't.

Ta.

Since Miss Hanson moved in,

Mr Foster has waged a campaign of intimidated against her,

culminating in an as*ault from which she was lucky to escape.

In a signed statement, Mr Foster has admitted his intention

of harming Miss Hanson,

and in view of the proximity of her home to Blackbrook farm,

I request a remand in custody to avert any similar incidents.

- In court? - That's what I said.

- How long's he likely to be there? - Who knows?

You see, I've got a bit of a problem.

I might have to postpone the arrangement I made with him.

I doubt that'll be the first thing on his mind right now.

I hope he's not spent that advance I gave him.

No, he gave it to me.

Did he? There's a bit of luck.

- He owed me three weeks' wages. - Really?

Your Worships. When this case comes to trial,

my client will plead not guilty.

The confession referred to was extracted after hostile questioning.

Confused and anxious to return to his livestock,

Mr Foster finally signed whatever was put in front of him.

What's all this got to do with the bail application, Mrs Bradley?

The so-called as*ault was an accident, Your Worship.

Mr Foster did not, and does not, wish Miss Hanson any harm.

If it pleases the bench to grant bail,

they may be sure he poses no threat.

Thank you.

Sergeant?

Your Worships.

Mr Foster checked the wording of his statement

and signed of his own free will.

I am concerned he is still a danger to this lady,

and I urge you to remand him in custody.

Stand up, please, Mr Foster.

To clarify the circumstances in which you made your statement,

we'd like to hear your account of what happened.

- Yes, Your Worship. - Take the oath, please.

I'm sorry, Your Worship...

You prefer to make the declaration?

Aye.

Out loud, please, Mr Foster.

Your Worship, I'm sorry.

I can't read.

Do we conclude from this

that you couldn't read what you signing?

Yes, Your Worship.

- Hello. - Sorry, love, we're full.

No matter, love. You've made my day.

Please, everyone, move to the top of the lane. It'll be safer there.

Thank you very much. Come on, that's good.

What's going on, David?

They're not letting anybody through, Mr Greengrass.

Why not?

They reckon there might be an expl*si*n.

I... I don't know what your lot have found.

But Jarvis assured me it's nowt but builders' rubble.

If I'd even thought...

I wouldn't have let it near the place.

We'll deal with that in due course.

The immediate problem we have is the unexploded b*mb in your shed.

The... what?

I found your lad polishing it!

Where did you find it?

Where we got all that...

How many times have I told you about collecting knick-knacks?

My mum's had one for years as a doorstop.

It never given her a bit of trouble.

Who says this one's live anyway?

My colleagues. They say it could go off at any moment

and take the whole house with it.

Excuse me.

I told you once if you'd like to...

Hold it there, Claude.

No body's stopping me going on me own property.

Wait for b*mb Disposal officers, Mr Greengrass!

Claude!

If that's how you feel, Miss Hanson,

there's no point in us pressing charges.

Thank you, Sergeant. It's a weight off my conscience.

Message from Alf, sarge.

Joan Foster.

She's alive and well.

Oh... That's that, then.

Can't beat a happy ending, can you?

Look at that. It's as dead as a doornail.

Put it down, Claude. Gently.

You'd need to drop that on someone's head to do 'em any damage.

Just get rid of it, Claude.

Where do you want it?

- Oi! - Not here!

Right, I tell you what I'll do.

I'll take it right to the middle of that field,

provided he gives me no more aggravation about dumping waste.

Well?

- Well... It's very irregular. - For crying out loud!

Do you want him scattered all over there in the field?

That would be an environmental disaster.

Very well.

I'll be back. Boo!

GASPS

CHORTLES

Mr Foster.

Miss?

The police are going to drop the case completely.

Right.

I'm so pleased it's all over.

Is it possible, do you think,

for us to call a truce and try again?

If that's what you want.

I want that more than anything.

I don't see why not, then.

Deal?

Done.

Better a friend than a foe.

I suppose. So long as it doesn't come to reading books.

Get a move on, Claude.

It's a good job we didn't have to rely on you lot during the w*r.

You're like a load of old women.

Come on, everybody, move back!

Come on. Are you all right?

DAVID: Mr Greengrass!

CLAUDE GROANS

- Are you all right, Mr Greengrass? - Yeah.

No thanks to you.

I bet that made a bit of a crater. Do us all a favour

and go and chuck yourself in it.