10x09 - Christmas Special 2019

[bunniefuu]

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

# But there is no need
to scream and shout

# We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

OK. That's great.

Thank you. Bye.

Hang on, I'll just check.

I've got Father Christmas
on the phone.

He wants to know which list
I should put you on.

Nice? Naughty? Barnardo's?

You promised to get an inflatable
Santa for the front garden.

And you didn't.

Well, Daddy tried his best,
but the shops were sold out.

Well, fear not, family, because
I've just been on the phone

to Toys R Here. They had one
inflatable Santa left in stock

and I've just bought it!

KIDS: Hooray! Aw, well done.

You stay with the kids,
I'll go and collect it.

Thanks, Mummy!

Oh, hang on.

I promised those little beautiful
faces that I would get them

an inflatable Santa,
and that is what I will do.

I've got loads of last-minute
Christmas cards to deliver.

Well, I can do that.

It'll mean talking to some
of the mums from the playground.

All right, we'll both go.

Ask your mum and dad to look after
the kids for an hour.

They'll be free. How do you know?

Trust me, anyone who writes
"Buy Soft Mints" on a calendar

hasn't got a lot on.

KNOCKING

What do you think?

Amazing. I wouldn't have
recognised you, Geoffrey.

Gap having their end-of-season sale,
are they?

I meant what I said on the phone,
Lucy.

One hour, absolute tops.

The golf club Christmas Eve
fancy dress lunch

is the biggest social event of the
year and I don't want to be late.

Can you guess who Grandad is
supposed to be?

Have you ever seen the film
A Christmas Carol?

Oh, you're thingy!

Bob what's-his-name.

Marley!

That's right, Lee. I'm the noted
Dickensian character, Bob Marley.

It's Cratchit.

Oh, don't be hard on yourself,
Geoffrey. You've done your best.

One hour. Max.

You should be wearing those trousers
lower down on your bum, Geoffrey.

Get with it.

Did you get it?

One inflatable Santa.

Last one in the shop. Think of their
little faces when they see it.

I'm thinking of your little face

after you've spent three
hours blowing it up.

You go red blowing on your cocoa.

Santa inflates himself, actually.
Ugh. There's an image.

If I could do that, it would be
Christmas every day.

Did you manage to deliver
all your cards? Just about.

Leaving it a bit late this year,
weren't you?

Yeah, imagine leaving things
so last-minute, hey?

It's not really my thing.

Well, maybe it's not for you.

Maybe I'm having an affair with
another woman.

Well, you won't be after you
give her that.

I like this one.

Maybe I should look
away for a few minutes?

If you like.

Can I borrow your credit card?
Where's yours?

Sorry, I left my phone
and wallet at home.

Didn't you need ID to collect Santa?

No, luckily, the shop just needed
my name, first line of address

and a heavy dose of swearing.

Am I supposed to wrap
it for you too?

There's no point me wrapping it.
You know what it is.

Where's the bag gone? What?

I just put my stuff in your shopping
bag and it's gone.

My purse and phone! Santa!

Stop! Stop! Thief!

Not him! Him!

ALARM BLEEPS

Come on!

Where are you going?
We're going after them!

We're not Starsky and Hutch!

OK, I'm wrong. Get in!

We can't get out of the car park,
the ticket's in my purse!

Do you think I'm going to let
a plastic barrier stop me

from getting my children
their Santa Claus back?

TYRES SCREECH

Hello?

I'm so sorry to trouble you,
but we appear to have

misplaced our ticket. Would you be
ever so kind and let us out, please?

You tell 'em, Starsky.

This is stupid. We can just cancel
my credit cards and phone

and buy another Santa!
Everywhere's sold out.

It'd be easier staying up all
night with a net

and catching the real one.

All right, we'll find a phone box,
call the police and tell them

their registration number.
CE YKH.

I'll easily remember that.
No chance. CE - Christmas Eve.

We don't need the police.

- the number of times I told
you to sort out that bloody

inflatable Santa. Nobody steals
Father Christmas on my watch.

YKH - "You knobhead!"

By the time the police are involved,

that Santa will be halfway across
Europe

with its serial number changed. What
do you think they'll do with it?

Sell it as a cut-and-shut with the
bottom half of the Easter Bunny?

And even if we do catch up
with them, then what?

They might att*ck us.

They'll soon back off when they see
who they're dealing with.

I'm talking about you.

Where the hell are they?
I said an hour, max.

The Golf Club will be serving
the starters, you know.

Have you tried phoning Lucy?

Well, of course I have. No answer.

What about Lee? Yes.

The stupid idiot's
left his phone here.

Any more questions? Yes.

Why are you dressed
as the Cat in the Hat?

It's obviously genetic.

Where the hell are we? I don't know.

We're certainly
not in Kansas any more.

That was Dorothy's line.

Shouldn't you be the scarecrow?
You know, the one who didn't have...

I got it.

They're pulling in.

Do you think they live here?

Of course they don't live here.
They're not voles.

So why are they stopping?

Christmas Eve , you knobhead!
Christmas Eve , you knobhead!

Christmas Eve , you...
All right!

I think he went behind that bush
over there. Be careful, Lee.

Don't worry, I'm not scared.

Boo! Agh!

You following me?

No.

We always come
here on Christmas Eve.

It's where we met.

We were dogging.

I know you're following me.
That's why I led you here

instead of to my place. Didn't want
you knowing where I lived, did I?

Look, we don't want any trouble.
Oh, don't worry. No trouble.

I've seen the error of my ways.

So how about this?

I give you your stuff back

and we agree to
forget about the whole thing?

You had me at boo.

Where's my purse and phone?

Oh, my mate's still got them
in his car.

I thought you'd seen
the error of your ways?

The error of my ways was not getting
away before you saw me.

I'm still a thief.
I've just got no use for that.

Don't worry, Lee, we've got
his mate's reg number.

Yes, we have.

CE YDH.

YKH. It's knobhead, not dickhead.

Ah! Oh, no,
they won't trace that back to us.

No, it's stolen.

Yeah, that's what we do,
you see - steal cars.

It's amazing how easy it is,
actually.

Especially when people leave
the keys in the ignition.

At least I got Santa
back for the kids.

And how do you propose we're going
to get it to them

with no phone, no credit card,
no money and no car?

There's a phone box!

Well, I hope Superman's in there.

Urgh!

Oh, God.

You're not blaming me
for that as well, are you?

Take your jacket off
and carefully put it on the ground.

Yeah, well, I'd like to be
a gentleman,

but I'd need to be Pavarotti to
cover that up.

BULL BELLOWS AND SNORTS

A cow. So?

A cow with horns.

Do you know what a cow with
horns is called?

A horny cow?

A bull.
BULL MOOS

Oh.

They charge at red things.
Take it off!

He's still staring at me.

Did I miss something? Is it
International Bull Provocation Day?

Just act natural.

Like we're going for a walk
in the middle of nowhere.

What do you mean, "like"?

THEY SCREAM

BULL BELLOWS

SCREAMING CONTINUES

Well, there was definitely no
sixpence in that Christmas pudding.

Still no answer.

Where the hell have they got to?
KNOCKING

At last!

Why are you dressed as Willy Wonka?

I'm Bob Cratchit! We're supposed to
be at a fancy dress lunch.

Fairy Godmother, Wendy?

How did you guess?
Want to make a wish, Frank? OK.

No, it's not come true.
You're still wearing it.

Good God.

I've just popped a present
round for the kids for tomorrow.

See you later.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No. Don't be silly, Frank.

It's Christmas.

Take a seat.

I think there's a good
James Bond film on.

Have a mince pie, Frank.

At least one of your five-a-day
there.

Come on, Wendy, we're leaving.

We just might catch the
dessert at this rate.

We can't leave the children
with Frank.

Why the hell not?
Yes, why the hell not?

Because that wasn't the arrangement.

Lucy asked us to watch the kids,
and that's what we're going to do.

Now, sit down!

No point in you hanging around too,
Frank.

No, no.

I like a bit of Bond.

Plus I might have a Christmas
game of Subbuteo with the kids

after that.

Why not? You're only little,
you could play up front.

Yeah,
that's our car registration number,

and the stolen one
they were driving was CE YKH.

KH as in...

..Kilo, Hotel?

What type of car were they driving?
Er...

It was big and blue.

Big and blue?

Well, what was it, then?

It was...

..medium and turquoise.

Medium and turquoise, apparently.

AIR HISSES

You bloody idiot!

Not you, you've been very helpful!

It's my husband,
he's blown up Santa!

Don't worry, not the real one.

OK. Thank you so much. Bye.

I don't know how to deflate it.

Don't worry, Santa,
he's like this with me.

Just say you're not in the mood,
he'll soon crawl off.

I need some change so I can phone
home and get Dad to pick us up.

I haven't got any.

He's got it.

Haven't you got any?

I don't know if you're following
this story,

but my purse just got
stolen. The thief? The car chase?

Ring any Christmas bells?

You'll just have to reverse
the charges.

OK.

How do I do that?

This is like watching old people
trying to send an e-mail.

I'll try dialling .

Hang on, what's our landline number?
I don't know.

I've just got it as "Home"
on my mobile. Who are you? ET?

Reverse the charges to my mobile.
That's at home. OK.

What's your mobile number? I don't
know. I thought you'd know it.

How can you not
know your own mobile number?

Well, I never need to ring it, do I?

Come on, this is a phone box,
not the Crystal Maze.

We can do this. Between us, we must
know at least one phone number

of someone we know.

...

.. ...

.. . Who's that?

Oh, no, that's Noel Edmonds
Multicoloured Swap Shop.

Hello, Noel. I'm
phoning from the future.

I'd like to swap an eight-foot
inflatable Santa, please.

What do I want in return?

Oh, not much,
just a shovel and a shotgun.

Dial again. I'm not phoning the
emergency services

for something like this. We'll just
have to borrow someone's smartphone,

Google a local minicab firm
and pay for it when we get home.

Oh, right. And which one of this
heaving throng of people

shall we ask?

Him!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop! Please! You have to help me!

LEE GROANS

BULL BELLOWS

Is this man bothering you?

Massively,
but that's not why I need your help.

He's my husband.
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah?

That's all right.
It happens quite a lot.

I've clearly got one of those faces.

May I borrow your phone?
We need to call a cab.

Of course.

Oh, sorry, there is
no signal out here.

What about your CB? CB?

Ten-four, good buddy?
Rubber duck?

Looks like we've got ourselves a
blue light special, Mama Bear?

Do you speak English? Yes.
Do you?

Well, this is great. Well done.

It's not my fault
he can't get a signal.

No, but it's your fault
for insisting we go

to Toys R Here in the first place.

It's your fault we made my parents
babysit. And it's your fault we went

on a vigilante mission to rescue

an eight-foot inflatable bloody
Santa! And it's your fault for...

For what? I don't know.

But if anything else happens,
it's your fault.

Did you say Toys R Here?
This is my next stop. What?

I have deliveries
for the Boxing Day sales.

But that's really near our house!

And there's a taxi rank
right outside!

Then you must come on board.
I will take you.

Oh, this is great!

Oh, er, sorry.
No room for Santa, I'm afraid.

No Santa, no me.

Fine with me.

Good luck hitching with that
inflatable bag of wind.

And yes, I'm talking to Santa.

It's OK, I put him in back.

MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody
by Slade

# So here it is, Merry Xmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

♪ It's only just begun. ♪

MUSIC: Fairytale of New York
by The Pogues feat. Kirsty MacColl

This is very good of you.

I am going this way anyway.
Not just the lift.

I mean humouring my husband.

HE SCOFFS
It is Christmas.

It's good to make people happy, huh?

He's got a DVD player back here
and everything!

Can I have a go of the horn?
Of course.

HORN BLARES

This is the best day of my life!

I don't suppose
I could have a drive, could I?

It is not allowed, I'm afraid.

But you will have a
Christmas drink with me.

Some vodka and Red Bull, yes?

HE LAUGHS
It is just joke!

I scare you when I say vodka!

You scared me when you said bull.

There's coffee, of course.
I'm all right, thanks.

Why not?

Merry Christmas.

You not having any?

Not for me.

It keeps me awake
while I'm driving.

HE LAUGHS
It is joke!

Golf club will be on to
the auction by now.

I had my eye on Glynis's
cheese hamper.

Is it too soon to be
worried about Lee and Lucy?

Too soon? It's too late.

They're married now and there's
nothing we can do about it.

I'm wondering if it might be time
to call the police.

The police won't do anything.

They're too busy harassing innocent
pensioners

for urinating in fountains.

For example.

We don't know where Lee
and Lucy are! We do.

What?

Dad's phone has got an app.

It shows where his
and Mum's phones are. Where?

Well, they started at the toy shop,

then they went on a long drive,
then they stopped here.

That's when the signal stopped.

They might have switched
the phone off.

Why would they stop at
a lay-by off the A ?

That's my boy!

Oh, come on, there's only one reason
a couple pull into a lay-by

and switch their phone off.

That's an awful thing to say, Frank.

For all we know,
they might be lying in a ditch.

That's what I'm saying!

I can't believe we can keep
track of where they've been.

They're great, these gizmos,
aren't they? Yes.

I imagine you've had something
similar attached

to your ankle in the past.

We seem to have been
driving a long time.

You all right up there, Lee?
You're very quiet.

I think he go to sleep.

Can I try your phone again?

Still no signal.

Lee?

You going to wake up, Lee?

Your husband, he is a heavy sleeper.

Even with my special coffee.

Don't worry.

Soon you will be home.

Me, I have no proper home.

I like being on the road.

You don't like being tied down?

Exactly.

Other people,
they are for tying down.

PHONE RINGS

I thought you said there was
no signal.

There is no signal.

That is alarm, to tell me
I should take break.

So why aren't you taking a break?

We are nearly there.

Are you sure?
I don't recognise this way.

I know all the short cuts.

Cut here.

Cut there.

Cut, cut, cut.

Lee?

Lee!

What was in that coffee? Sorry?

Stop the lorry! Why?

We want to get out!
I cannot let you out here!

SCREAMING: Just let us out!

THEY SCREAM

That's not fair! When I asked
for a drive, you said no!

He's a lunatic!
He's trying to k*ll us!

I'm trying to k*ll YOU?

TYRES SCREECH

What's going on?!

I'm taking you to Toys R Here,
that is what's going on!

No, he's not!
This is nowhere near Walton.

What is Walton?
I am taking you to town of Burley!

Where?

We are very nearly there!

Is it possible, Lucy, that there is
more than one branch of Toys R Here?

Rightio.

As you were. Get out, you lunatic!

Bit rude. Out!

That's what I like about you.

You always see the best in people.

He's still got Santa!

Stop!

I'm having a bad day!

Where are you going? Home.

If we set off now, we might make it
back for New Year's Eve.

Wait! There's no way I'm going
home empty-handed.

Oh, let it go! No!

Santa has gone!

Ours has gone!

But the shop might have
others in stock!

Oh, and which shop should
we try first?

Peter Rabbit's Countryside Emporium,
or Jemima Puddleduck's

-Hour Emergency Inflatables?

Toys R Here, Burley.

You heard the driver,
we're almost there.

And assuming by some
miracle you find it

and that it's actually open,
how are you going to pay for it?

We will Google directory enquiries,
find our landline number,

get your parents to pay for it over
the phone with my credit card,

then find a taxi company
and pay for it at the other end.

Come on!

Where the hell are you going now?

By road, two miles.

By foot, one mile.

Great.

Because I was just thinking this
doesn't remind me

enough of the Blair Witch Project
yet.

You're going to get us lost!
No, I'm not.

Just because you're northern,

doesn't mean you have
homing pigeon in your DNA.

It's raining and I'm freezing.
Can you hurry up?

RUSTLING
Sh! I heard a noise!

In that tree.

RUSTLING

It's a squirrel.

Oh. But go ahead and accuse it of
trying to m*rder you anyway.

Come on.

I need the toilet.

Well, what are you waiting for?

A quiet and secluded spot with
a bit of privacy?

I'm not going on a public footpath!

Well, who do you
think is going to see you?

Chris Packham
and the team from Springwatch?

I'm going behind a bush.

Well, be careful of nettles.
You're already in a bad mood.

That might finish you off.

SHE SCREAMS

THUD
Blimey.
Sounds like you needed that.

Are you all right?

Yeah,
but I've fallen down an embankment.

I can't get back up!

Oh, God! How hard can it be to
go behind a bush for a quick...?

LEE SCREAMS

THUD

Look, there's a signal from Mum's
phone again.

They're coming down the road now.
Oh, thank God.

I'm sure there's an innocent
explanation.

I don't care.

Whatever it is, it was damned rude.

I'm sure it was.
HE CHUCKLES

Making me miss the golf club lunch.

I'll never forgive them for this.

Is there even a part of you that's
worried about them?

Yes, my fist. It's going to really
hurt

after Lee comes through that door.
Oh...

KNOCKING

Oh, God! Don't worry, madam,
it's good news.

We have recovered your phone
and your purse.

They were discovered
in your abandoned vehicle. What?

Yeah. You contacted us from a phone
box to report them missing?

No, I didn't.

That must have been Lucy!

Well, if their car
and phone were stolen,

that at least explains why
we haven't heard from them.

I suppose so.

Or the other explanation is, they're
lying, bleeding to death somewhere.

Have you ever considered
a job in victim support?

Can I ask you a question, sir?
Of course.

Why are you dressed
as Abraham Lincoln?

Where the hell are we? I don't
know, but can you move a bit faster?

It's not my fault! I've lost a shoe!

What? Back there,
it got stuck in all this mud.

Well, why didn't you pick it up?

Because I like the challenge
of hopping!

Why do you think I didn't pick it
up? It's pitch-black!

Ow! I hate this! years ago,
nobody had a mobile phone.

We go without one for a few hours

and we're reduced to the
status of hedgehogs.

I wish we were hedgehogs,

then we might be able to see
in the dark to pick up shoes.

Well, look on the bright side -

at least you can't see which
finger I'm holding up.

Look! There -
can you see the Plough?

Yes. And?

The two stars on the left point up,
so you can identify the North Star.

Oh, yes, I think I can see it!

And how does that help us?

It doesn't. I just thought you might
be interested.

I can't go on.

I'm just going to die here.

You're right.

They'll probably
find our bodies in a fortnight,

our faces gnawed off by badgers.

You were meant to tell me
everything's going to be all right.

Oh.

Everything's going to...
Too late.

Hang on. What's that?

Oh, thank God! What?

It's a shopping trolley!

Well, it had better be full of shoes

and sat navs or I'm going
to k*ll you!

A shopping trolley means we are
close to the shops.

Come on!

There it is!
OWL HOOTS

Is it open?

Yeah, and there's a special
offer on Stickle Bricks.

How can I tell if it's open?
The lights are on.

Yeah, well, it doesn't mean
there's anyone at home.

Hurry up!

This is as fast as I can go
with a missing shoe!

I'm not Mowgli!

Ow!

Whoa! Slow down!

No! They might be about to shut!
LUCY YELPS

Who needs to drive a lorry
when you can do this?

LUCY SCREAMS CONTINUOUSLY

Wait! Wait!

Wait! Hold the door!

Stop!

Whoa! Wait, wait, wait!
Stop, stop, stop!

You've got to let us in!

Sorry, we've just closed, guys.

Wait! Please.

We're not asking much.

We just need you to open the shop
again for five minutes.

And let me borrow your phone

so we can find the number of a taxi
firm.

And then we need to use
it to find our landline number

so we can pay for something over the
phone.

And you need to sell me a
shoe. Just the one.

All right, we are asking for quite
a lot, but...

Wait, just let me in!

I can leave my wife parked out here!

She's doesn't even have to take
up a disabled bay!

It's only a sore foot!

Oh!

Well, that's it, then.

I've failed.

I've let the kids down.

I've let you down.

I've ruined Christmas.

Yeah.

You're supposed to say everything's
going to be all right.

Well, there's one bit of good news.

There was a pound coin
left in that shopping trolley,

so at least we can use a phone box.

It's a euro.

Oh, look.

It's the lorry that picked us up!

He said he was stopping for a break
after his next delivery.

We can get Santa back!

He's asleep. I'll wake him up.

Don't wake him up!
He already hates us!

What are you doing?

I'm getting Santa back.

Get out!

No! That man has kidnapped
Christmas, and I am the SAS!

HE STRAINS

Give me a hand. He's trapped.

Oh, it's "he" now, is it?

Hurry up!

HE SNORES, PHONE RINGS

THEY STRAIN

Are you actually trying?

I know it's Christmas,
and I love you very much,

but I will punch you in the face!

Come on!

ENGINE STARTS

CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS

Let us out! Hello!
We're in here! Hello!

Stand back.

HE GROANS

It's all very well, that police
officer telling us not to worry.

It's not his daughter out
there on her own.

She's not on her own,
she's with Lee.

I'd rather she were on her own,
to quote my speech from the wedding.

So what do we do now?

Well, Wendy and I have the bed.

You have the sofa.

That's disgusting!

We don't even know if
they're dead yet

and you're dividing up
the furniture?

Don't be so stupid!
Of course they're not bloody dead!

I will not be called stupid
in my own son's house

by a man dressed as Noddy Holder!

I'm Bob Cratchit!

Will you both be quiet?

I've only just managed to
settle the children!

They were asking a lot of very
difficult questions.

What did you tell them?

I made up a story and told them that
Mummy and Daddy were on an adventure

with Father Christmas, making
deliveries up and down the country.

If only it were true.

THUMPING

Let us out!

Forget it. He can't hear us.

There must be some
way of communicating with him.

What have we got back here? Marker
pen, rubber bands, wooden pallets.

Perhaps we could rig something up,

reach out of the side
of the van somehow

and write on the window of the cab.

Sorry,
have I just joined the A-Team?

Well, we're just going to have to
wait till he stops and lets us out.

Well, how long's that going to be?

It's probably Christmas Day by now.

Merry Christmas. Shut up.

Hang on. There's a hatch!

There's no way we can get up there.

Maybe not, but we could lift Santa
up and stick his head through.

Lucy, Santa's eyes are painted on.

He won't be able to see anything.

I know that.

But maybe someone else will see it
and call the police.

HE SIGHS
And what are they going to say?

"It's Christmas Eve,
and I've seen Santa Claus!"

We're trying it!

MUSIC: Driving Home For Christmas
by Chris Rea

Hold still! I'm trying!

You're not making this very easy.

Well, that would take all
the fun out of it!

I've always wanted to be the bottom
section of a part-human,

part-rubber totem pole!

Just lift me up a bit,
I'm almost there.

Hang on, I'll just set my Inspector
Gadget legs to levitate mode.

Whoa!

Are you OK? Yeah, you?

Yeah, luckily that big heavy bolt
was there to break my fall.

There's another hatch!

Oh, yeah, I'm fine, thanks,
I'll live.

Jump. We can't drop onto
a road at miles an hour!

Look, we're hardly moving.

We must be stuck in heavy traffic.

Just do it! No chance!

You'll have no choice if I go first.

You reckon? I'm staying here.

How about now?

I hate you.

Oh, God!

HORN BLARES
Lee!

Thanks for that.

It's been at least an hour
since I broke a rib on a hard floor.

I was starting to miss it.

Where are we?

I don't know.

SHIP HORN BLOWS

Oh, God!

Now what?

Well, he had to come in handy
eventually.

You what?!

Well, he floats, doesn't he?

I hate you!

Again.

THEY SCREAM

Well, thank you.
Thank you for keeping us updated.

Yes. Goodbye.

Well, still nothing from the police.

They haven't been admitted to any
hospitals as far as we can tell.

So what are we going to tell those
children when they wake up?

KIDS: Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!

Where's Mummy and Daddy?

Have they got our inflatable Santa?

We need to talk to you
about something.

The thing is...

..I don't quite know how to
put this.

You know in these horror films
when people go missing?

I'll do it.

The thing is...

..Mummy and Daddy...

What?
DOOR OPENS

Oh, thank God!

Look what Daddy got you!

We wanted the one with
the blue scarf.

Well, this is your lucky day.

Because that is exactly what
I got you!

I brought it over last night.

So it looks like you needn't have
popped out after all.

I hate Christmas.

Dad, have you got
quid you can lend us

to pay for the cab?

That's quite ironic,
given you're dressed as Scrooge.

I'm Bob Cratchit!

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

# But there is no need
to scream and shout

# We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪