11x01 - Small Package

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out,
not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Thanks for the lift.

That's OK. It's good to get
out of the house.

Anna's got a personal trainer, and
I worry if I don't leave them alone,

they might not have an affair.

Oh, good.

My new smartphone's arrived.
Bit big, isn't it?

Who'd you buy it from? Dom Joly?

Typical. Apple have changed
the headphone socket again.

What the hell is that?
Yeah, I know what that is.

What? Don't worry, I'm a doctor.

So? It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, can you give me a clue?

OK, it is actually something
to be ashamed of.

It's a penis enlarger.

Pardon?

Would you like me to shout it again?

Well, I didn't order this.

It's none of my business.

I'm telling you,
I didn't even know what it was!

I thought it was a hamster run.
You wouldn't put a hamster in there.

It'll end up the size of a rabbit.

You seem to know a lot
about these things. Oh, yes.

How very embarrassing for me.

You're just the man who ordered one
to be delivered to his house.

I ordered a phone.

Fair enough.

Maybe it's like when Ocado
substitute an item.

"Oh, sorry, we're out of satsumas,

"so we have replaced them
with a penis enlargement pump."

I'm telling you,
I did not order this thing.

Then who did?

Yeah, that makes sense.

What's this? Is it a hubble-bubble?

What? You know, one of those things
you see people smoking

outside Turkish restaurants.

I'd say if there's smoke coming out,

it's probably best to stop using it.

What is it?

It's a penis enlarger. Is it?

You don't need one of those, Lee.

That was a very long pause!

Oh, my God, you didn't open
that package, did you?!

Were you saving it for his birthday?

Read the label!

"Monster Max ,
Big Boy Masculinity Enhancer."

The address label!

Mr S Cruikshank, number ...

Oh. It's for the bloke across
the road, you idiot!

He wasn't in, so the delivery guy
asked to leave it here.

I was going to take it
across to him later.

Well, let's just repackage it.
We can't do that.

It's got the name of the delivery
company on and everything.

It even had a seal.

Now he's going to know
that we've seen... that!

Well, at least now you've got
quite the ice-breaker.

Good idea. Play naive and say you
think it's for breaking ice.

I'm not telling him anything!
YOU are! You opened it!

Well, I can't give it to him.
I don't know him.

I don't even know what he looks
like. Oh, you can't miss him.

He lives across the road
and has a very small penis.

Look, his car's back.

Off you go.
Oh! Why can't you just do it?

Because he is the man who moved
in six months ago

with his young family, Lee.

The man who I see in the school
playground pretty much every day

and who I still properly
haven't said hello to.

So until Mumsnet do discussion
on how to overcome

the social awkwardness of passing
over penis enlargers, I'm stumped!

What am I supposed to say to him?

This is your problem, mister.
You deal with it.

That's a bit blunt. What about,
"It's not the size of the boat,

"it's the motion of the ocean"?

There is no way I am taking
this to him.

Well, someone's got to.

Bye.

I've got an idea.

Kids! Don't you dare!

Sort it out, now!

Hi. Hello. I'm Lee
from across the road there.

Oh, right! I've been meaning
to say hello since we moved in.

Me too. How long is it now?

I mean, since you moved in!

Six months. Oh. OK. Good.

Settling in all right?

Oh, you know, usual stresses -

trying to sort out an extension.

Do you want to come in,
have a cup of tea?

Erm, no, I won't impose.

I just, um, wanted to say that
we had a...

..a package delivered today.

Oh, right.

Hello. This is Lee
from over the road.

Oh, hello, I'm Catherine. Hello!

So, uh, you liking the area?

Oh, yeah, we love it.

Our last place was a bit more
central, but Stuart's been wanting

to go bigger for a while now.

I have, yeah.

And everyone seems very friendly
around here. Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's no airs and graces
around here. Nobody judges you.

Some of the things I get up to...

Yeah, make a hooker blush.

Anyway, like I was saying,
we, uh, took in a package today.

Oh!

And here come the kids.
Anyone else saying hello?

Actually, we've got my parents
staying. Mum? Dad?

Come and meet our neighbour.

I should probably be going.

I don't want to impose
on your private life.

Family life!

Who cares about your private life?
Not me.

Shall we take that?

BOTH: Hello.

Hello!

You said you'd taken in a package?

Yes. I did.

And it was for me.

Yeah. Bloke knocked on the door,

said, "I've got a package for you,"
and I took it in.

It went really smoothly.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you
know that, uh,

that's what it's like around here.

Really good for deliveries.

I would highly recommend
getting stuff delivered.

Anything interesting?

Just my... hubba-bubba.

I mean hubble-bubble.

You know, the Turkish bong.

Sorry, kids, no bubble gum today.

But you can have a blast
on my ganja pipe.

As I say, no-one judges you
round here.

Very spacious, these houses,
aren't they?

Anyway...

..I just wanted to meet you guys,
say hello

and let you know that deliveries
around here go really smoothly.

I should get going.

This isn't going to suck itself.

Bye!

How did it go? Oh, yeah, fine.

I met him, his wife, the kid,
the other kid,

his dad, his mum, the dog,

and I think there might actually be
a great-granny in the attic

still on the way downstairs
to meet me.

Why have you still got that?!

Did he say you could borrow it?

Why do you think I've still got it?

There were three generations
of his family there.

Do you remember that episode
of The Waltons where John-Boy orders

a penis enlarger and then everyone
gathers around to watch him open it?

It's really awkward.

We are forgetting the whole thing
and binning it.

We can't just get rid of it!

I signed for that!

What did you do that for?

Because that's what normal people do
when taking in a package

for someone else, Lee.

What they don't do is start tearing
the wrapping like a hyperactive

four-year-old playing
pass the parcel in Ann Summers.

But now he will definitely find out
that we've got it! Exactly.

Take it back and give it to him,
right now.

I can't do that because
I just specifically told him

that we didn't take a package in
for him.

You knocked on his door to tell him
we hadn't taken in a package?

Sort of. Right.

And did you also let him know we
weren't having a barbecue next week

in case he didn't fancy coming?

What are we going to do when he
comes to the house saying

that he's been told
the package is here?

We'll buy a new one.

What, a new house?

Actually, that might be
a simpler idea.

We get online and we order
exactly the same device

with next-day delivery.

We're going to buy another
penis enlarger?

That's the plan?

When it arrives,
we don't open the packaging.

This is brilliant.

If only we'd have thought of this
with the first one.

Instead, we transfer the label
from the first one

on to the new unopened one
and take that one over.

That way, he gets his delivery
in a sealed package

with his address on it, and he won't
have the tiniest inkling.

Well, not after he's used the pump,
he won't!

Well, what if he's phoning
the delivery company right now

and asking where it is?

He won't be that impatient for it,
will he?

Well, maybe he ordered it yesterday
on next-day delivery.

Who orders a penis pump
with next-day delivery?

Yeah. What kind of weirdo does that?

Maybe he needed it in a hurry

because he accidentally
opened his neighbour's one!

All right, I'll go over there now
and stall him from phoning

the delivery company,
then I'll come back

and I'll order the penis enlarger
to arrive tomorrow.

What are you going to say to him?

I'm going to do what any decent man
does in a difficult situation.

What's that?

I'm going to blame my wife.

Hello, it's me again. Hi.

Do you want that cup of tea
after all?

Won't it be cold by now?

Look, you know that story
I just told you

about taking in the package? Have
you come to tell us another one?

Turns out I was mistaken.

I've literally just been told
by my wife that, apparently,

she did take a package in for you.

Oh, right. Great.

So, can I have it, then?

No.

Right.

Because?

Because the thing is, um,
she signed for it

just as she was leaving the house,

and because she was in a rush,

she popped it in the car
and she drove to work with it.

I see.

But she's back home now, is she?

No. Oh?

Is that not her car on the driveway?

Yes, that's her car,

but that one's broken down
and she's driving a rental one

at the moment whilst we're waiting
for that one to come back

from the garage.
To be towed to the garage.

Right. Gotcha. Yes.

I've only ever seen
that one car on your driveway.

She's been parking the rental
one round the corner. Oh, right.

Why? I don't know.

She's funny like that.

She doesn't want the neighbours
thinking we've got two cars.

They're like that around here.

You smoke a Turkish bong,
they don't bat an eyelid.

But if you've got an extra car,

people think you're trying to melt
the polar ice caps.

OK, no problem. I'll pop round
for it this evening.

Actually, it'll be tomorrow,
if that's OK.

She's at her parents' house. Right.

I thought you said she was at work.

Yeah, she works at
her parents' house.

Yeah, they run a small hotel.

Didn't you just say that she told
you about the package just now?

Did she phone you up?

Yeah, she phoned me up to tell me
that she got the package

that she put in the car,
the rental car

that she parks round the corner,

that she drove to work in
at her parents' hotel

and then rang to tell me
that she got the package

that you can have tomorrow.

Great.

Who's that in your window?

She's got an identical twin sister.

I think it's one of your kids.

Yeah, that's one of my kids. Yeah.

No, I was just making small talk,

telling you that she's got
an identical twin sister

that helps at the hotel.

It's funny the things that happen
as a result.

HE CHUCKLES

I bet.

Like what?

Like the other day someone said,

"Can I have that coffee
I ordered from you?"

And she said,
"Oh, I think that was my sister."

It's a great story.

Anyway, I'm sorry about the delay
with your parcel.

No problem. You know the
expression - all good things come...

In small packages.
..to those who wait.

To those who wait!

Bye!

Morning.

What time's the delivery getting
here?

I don't know, it just said next day,
so I suppose it could be any time.

Whoa! Don't let
the neighbours see you.

You're supposed to be working
at your mum and dad's,

helping run their B&B
with your identical twin sister.

And we need to get our car towed off
the driveway as soon as possible,

even though there's nothing
wrong with it.

Don't worry - when all this is over
there'll be a debriefing.

DOORBELL RINGS

Got a delivery. Great.

I don't know if you know
what this is or not, but...

..it's not for me. Isn't it?

No. Oh.

I mean, it is for me.

I'm sorry, if there's been mistake,
I can't let you have it.

What? Oh, for God's sake.

Hello, there.
Sorry about my husband's behaviour,

but he's a little embarrassed
about what's inside the package.

It's a penis enlarger.

He didn't want you to know
because he doesn't want people

finding out about his little
tiny micropenis.

That's right, isn't it, darling?

Yep.

What would I do without you,
princess?

Swap the address labels over,

and do it carefully.

Oh, the tweezers for the label,
is it?

I thought it was in case
I needed a pee.

I should start giving you
loyalty stamps.

Lucy's finally home.

Are you sure it's her?

What? You know, her twin sister.

Oh, right, yes.

Good one.

So, I've got your package
from yesterday. Great.

Everything all right
over at your place?

Yeah. Why?

Oh, nothing. I just noticed your
curtains have been drawn

since yesterday afternoon.

Just checking you weren't ill
or anything.

No, no. All fine.

You know what it's like, sometimes
you just want your curtains closed.

Or at least I hope you do.

Cup of tea?

No, you're all right.
I've just had one.

Don't want overstimulate myself.

What? Nothing.

Well? I think he bought it.

No, Lee, we bought it,

which is throwing up some
fascinating targeted advertising

on our laptop.

Oh...

I assume that's disposable.

No. You wash it afterwards,
then use it again.

Eurgh!

Anyway, the upshot...

Show me that again.

What is the matter with people?

Anyway, the good news is,

as far as that bloke's concerned
over the road,

me and you are completely unaware

that I have just handed him
a penis enlarger.

And you have permission
to leave the house if you like.

I only hope our daughter finds
a husband like you one day.

DOORBELL RINGS

Is that him?

If it is, just stay calm
and don't mention penis enlargers.

I've genuinely forgotten what else
there is to talk about.

Oh, it's just you.

I know you're not a man hugger,

but can you perhaps meet halfway?

I was just curious
what happened yesterday

with that willy stretcher thing.

Are you definitely a real doctor?

It's fine. It's all sorted.

Right.

That's the first one.
We bought another one.

Well, you can never have
too many penis enlargers.

It's not mine.

Delivery for you, mate. For me?

It's got my name and address on it.
Yeah, that's how it works.

Are you sure it's for you?

We don't need you opening
a consignment of butt-plugs

addressed to the vicarage.

Joke.

It's probably just another
penis enlarger.

I've not got a small penis.

Oh, my God.
It IS another penis enlarger.

It's not bloody mine.

Don't tell me,
this is your neighbours, as well.

He's just discovered
he's got a third penis.

This must be the one we ordered
online yesterday.

So, what did you just take
across the road?

Oh, my God!

I've just given our neighbour
my quid smartphone.

Oops.

Right, enough is enough!

I'm going to tell him the truth
and swap these back.

No, you're not. This is good.

Why?

Because when he opens up
that package and finds a brand-new

£ smartphone, he's probably
going to keep quiet

and be glad with his windfall.

And what about his missing
penis enlarger?

Well, they're less than quid.

He'll probably just order another
one. If there are any left.

I've heard that demand for these
things has really spiked recently.

We're probably now in the clear.

It's problem solved.

Problem solved? He's got my phone.

Well, you'll just have
to let that go.

Lee, promise me you're not going
back over to that house.

All right, I promise.

Good.

Because Toby's going to do it.

You know you once said
you'd help me out

if I was ever in a tight spot?

No, I have never said that
in my life.

Look, all you've got to do
is knock on the door,

say you're from the delivery
company,

and that there was a mix-up with
the package that I delivered earlier

and you need to swap it
for this one.

Well, what about the fact it's
not wrapped in the proper packaging?

Oh, I don't know.

Just say it got destroyed
at the sex shop. How?

I don't care. Say it was
a Rottweiler dressed as a gimp.

Just get me my phone back!

Forget it, Lee. There is no way
I am ringing that doorbell.

OK.

I understand.

I'll do it.

Can I help you?

IN COCKNEY ACCENT: All right, mate.
Sorry to bother you.

See, I'm the delivery driver
that dropped that package off

with that shonky muppet
of a neighbour of yours.

Thing is,
there's been a bit of a cock up,

no pun intended.

Sorry? You got the wrong package.

This one's yours, geezer.

What's going on? What's going on
is I need to swap them.

Straight up.
I'm not mugging you off, like.

But you're my doctor.

What, guv?

I had a hospital appointment
with you six weeks ago.

Oh, right.

I see.

How are things, pal?
Everything clearing up?

What's happened? You've not been
struck off, have you?

Oh, no, nothing like that, geezer.

So, why are you delivering parcels?

Gives you extra dosh, innit?

Under funding of the NHS
and all that, I'm brassic, mate.

Why the fake voice?

Actually, this is my real voice.

It's the doctor voice that's fake.

I can't hardly talk like this
in the hospital, can I?

People might lose confidence
if they hear me saying,

"Sorry, love, your juicy Lucys
are going to need the once over

"but I reckon a bit of cream
and everything will be pukka."

Something feels very odd
about all this.

I know. I'm sure it all feels
a bit mental and all that,

but, like I say, guv,
mix up at the warehouse,

so if you give us the other parcel

then I'll get back in me... jam jar.

You're telling me you need to
subsidise your income as a doctor.

STARTLED SCREAMS

Love a duck!

What are you doing in my house?

Erm...

Oh, God, it's happening again.

At least this time
I'm fully clothed.

What are you doing in my house?

Yeah, what are you doing
in his house?

What are you doing in my house?

Do you know this guy? Yeah.

He's the doctor
who delivers packages.

He's not a delivery driver.

What?!

You owe us all an explanation, mate.

What's going on?

I think I would like that cup
of tea after all.

Lovely jubbly!

NORMAL VOICE: Earl Grey would be
marvellous.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello.

If you say the word "delivery,"
I may start attacking you.

Funnily enough,
I have come about a deliv...

Package. I'm from across the road.

I believe you took something
in for me yesterday.

Sorry? I'm Stephen from number .

I got one of these notes
through yesterday.

Mr S Cruickshank.

Yeah, I'm renting the flat
on the top floor

above Stuart and Catherine's.

Oh, God.

This is all just a silly
misunderstanding.

Can I just have my package back?

There's a £ phone in there.

It's not your package.

It's not your package.

I know.
That's why I haven't opened it.

I don't open things
that aren't for me.

Oh, I see.

What? Now you know there's a phone
in there you want to keep it.

Oh, so I'm the bad guy?

I'm not the one who got
Dr d*ck Van d*ke here

to pose as a fake delivery driver.

Look...

Why don't we just swap them back
and that'll be the end of it?

Swap what?
I don't know what that is.

I think you do. No, I don't.

Do you really want me to do this?

DOOR OPENS

Oh, great.

Here's the audience.
All I need now is a drum roll.

OK.

Well, you asked for it.

I believe you ordered this.

What is it? Does she not know?

"Does she not know?" I don't know.

Do you really want me to tell
everybody what this is?

Yes, please.

OK.

Then you leave me no option
but to say two words to you.

Penis enlarger.

What?

Penis enlarger.

You use it to enlarge your penis.

If you say so. Oh, I do say so.

I'm quite the expert on them now.

Right.

And why are you showing me this?
I didn't order this.

Oh, I know you didn't.

I ordered it and I paid for it.

Oh, I see. Well, thank you,
but I don't want it.

Well, you're having it.
I got it for you.

Maybe next time just bake us a cake.

Honestly, I don't want it.

Well, I don't want it.
I've already got one at home.

Now I know why your curtains
are always drawn.

Sorry to intrude.

I'm Lucy.

Are you his wife?

For the time being.

Do all your family let themselves
into other people's houses?

Hi. And they keep coming,
don't they?

Have we all met?

This is Stephen
from the upstairs flat.

Stephen, this is Lee, who's giving
away complimentary penis enlargers.

This is his friend who, actually,
I'm not % sure what he does,

but if he holds your testicles
and asks you to cough, be wary.

Stephen just popped over
to collect the package

that was delivered yesterday.

The one that was supposed
to be for him.

Welcome to the street.

We got you this.

♪ We're not going out,
not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪