11x04 - Old Acquaintance

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need to scream
and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

And thanks for the pressie, Ben.
Oh, you're welcome, Lucy.

It's been so great to catch up
after all this time.

I can't believe
it's been over years.

I know, I couldn't believe it
when you popped up on Facebook.

What about you, Lee?
You do the whole university thing?

Nah, I never bothered.

You and your old friends
ever think about catching up?

Nah, we'd have to do A-levels
and everything.

Well, thank you for inviting me
into your lovely home.

And thank you for inviting
your lovely biscuits into me.

Bye, Lucy. Bye, Ben.

Oh, well, that's two hours of
your life you're not getting back.

What do you mean? He's a sweet guy.

Well, yeah, he's really nice,

but you two have got nothing
in common any more.

When you two were mates,
you were single, didn't have kids,

you probably stayed up late
listening to music.

Now you're married,
you're a full-time mum,

you fall asleep halfway through
Question Of Sport.

I'm just going to nip upstairs
for a relaxing bath...

..with the toaster.

I don't know why people feel
the need to stay in touch.

There was a time if you got bored
with someone,

you could deliberately lose contact.

Not any more. Do you know why?

Marriage?

Social media.

What do you know about social media?
You never use it.

No, I do not.

I don't want the authorities
following my movements,
thank you very much.

I'm sure the authorities aren't
massively interested in you, Lee.

And I certainly don't want to be
arranging to hook up
with some kid from primary school.

Well, that's good,
because then the authorities
WOULD be interested in you.

If I wanted to see somebody
from my childhood

who disappeared for years,
I'd go round to my dad's house.

Fine, but you're missing out.

I saw a thing today where
if you like the Greggs page,

you get a free pasty.

Three, two, one...

How do I sign up?

So how's your social media
experience?

It's all politically incorrect jokes
and abusive comments

about Delia Smith.

I knew I shouldn't have friended
your mum.

Actually, I have had one mate
who I haven't seen for years

suggesting we meet up for a coffee.

Oh, great.

Are you going to get together?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, you should do it.

It's nice to catch up with people.

Yeah, maybe.

She does seem quite keen.

Oh.

It's a she, is it?
Yeah, is that all right?

Yeah, of course.
Why would that bother me?

It wouldn't, I know.

Cos you met up with Ben, didn't you?
Exactly.

It's not like
you went out with her...

..did you? No...

..not really.

What do you mean, not really?

Well, we were just kids.

How old?

.

Or as we used to say in the ' s,
n-n-n-n-nineteen.

So when you said you were a kid,
you mean you were an adult?

I won't meet up with her
if you don't want me to.

No, no, it's fine.

It's just when you said
it was a mate,

I didn't realise
you'd actually mated.

Yeah, but it wasn't serious, we...

..we just used to see each other
a bit.

How much?

Top halves only.

So... you never slept with her?

Why do you need to know? I don't!

I'm really not that bothered.

I think it's fair to say

that when me and you got together
I wasn't a virgin.

Really?

What were you then,
just out of practice?

So how long were you two together?

I don't know. A couple of months.

If you're not comfortable
with me seeing her...

Oh, I'm comfortable.

I'm just making conversation.

Well, why don't you have a look?

That's her profile and pictures
and stuff.

I'm not interested
in going through all that.

Single.

Likes - Take That, Corfu
and cheese toasties.

Well, that's why it never
would have worked out between us.

You know me - McFly,
Costa del Sol and flapjacks.

Do you know what? I can't be
bothered meeting her anyway.

No? Really? Well, like I say,
it doesn't matter to me either way.

I know it doesn't.
I know you know that.

So do I. Me too.

Good. Well, I'm glad
that's cleared the air.

Blimey, all I wanted was
a free pasty.

Oh, look...

I'm sorry.

Am I being silly?

No, it's completely understandable.
Is it?

Yeah, of course.

You're a neurotic, jealous,
psycho-bitch, I know that.

No, I get it.

If Ben had have been your ex,

then maybe I'd have felt
a tiny bit uncomfortable.

Would you still have accepted
his biscuits?

If I'd have caught you
in bed together, I'd have accepted
those biscuits.

I think you should meet up with her.

I thought you didn't care
either way. Well, now I do care.

I care that it ever so slightly
bothered me.

If I'm being honest,

I just thought she might still be
attracted to you.

I know, it's insane. Yeah.

How could anyone fancy this

now it's had the joy and hope
sucked out of it?

But the main thing is
she seems really nice

and it will be nice
for you to catch up. All right.

What about I invite her round here
so she can meet you as well?

Really? Yeah.

I want her to see the life
I've got now, which is with you.

OK.

Make it a threesome.

I'm not going that far.

Actually, if I ever did ask you...
No. No!

Oi! Leave the nice biscuits
for the guests, please.

We haven't got many left.

Are you nervous? A bit.

You know she's a bit rough
around the edges, don't you?

Really? With your finesse and style,
I was expecting Joanna Lumley.

She's proper old school Northern -
she doesn't suffer fools.

Well, at least I know
who ended the relationship.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ooh. Doorbell - sophisticated.

I was expecting her
just to kick the door in.

Frigging 'ell, you've aged!

Karen.

Oh, we're not bloody French!

Thought we voted out
of all that bollocks. Come 'ere.

Hi. Who's this?

This is my wife, Lucy.

You never said you were married.

I did, I told you in the message.

Aah! I'm joking, you daft pillock!

Come 'ere!

Oh, bloody 'ell.

How did a big-nosed, ferret-faced
bugger like you land this one?

Well, answer her.

It's very nice to meet you, Karen.

I've read... heard a lot about you.

Please.

Bloody 'ell, Lee!

Fortnum & Mason biscuits -

do I eat these
with a Kn*fe and fork or what?

Oh, they're not mine,
they're Lucy's.

You know me,
I'm more of a Wagon Wheel man.

So who ate all the cardamom
and sea-salted Florentines?

Summat to dunk in me tea.

Oh! I've got you a present.

Something you can only get up north.

Don't you be saying rickets!

Eccles cakes, proper ones.

I always stock up
whenever I go home.

Ee, I have not had an Eccles cake
for years.

Pardon? I've not had an Eccles cake
for years.

I thought you said "ee".

I've not had one of them
for years either.

You never did, you liar.

Two cans of lager down the ginnel,
he was anybody's. Ha!

Can I get you a coffee or a tea?

Oh, tea would be lovely,
thank you.

What type do you like?
We've got everything.

Oh, she just wants a brew.

Ee, a brew.

Do you have
a green tea matcha infusion?

I think we have actually.

Ah! I thought you bloody would have!

I'm only kidding, Lucy.

I'll just have the one
the monkey drinks. Thanks, love.

He drinks Earl Grey.

I don't.

LAUGHTER

Well, cheers. Cheers.

Down the ginnel.

What?

You know, like two cans of lager
down the ginnel.

LEE CHUCKLES

A ginnel's not your throat.

Well, what is it? It's a passageway
attached to the side of the house.

Can't believe
you've not heard that before.

Southerners!

Well, perhaps that's because
you've never used that word

in the entire time I've known you.

Course you have,

appen you just haven't
heard me say it.

Appen?

Now you're saying you haven't heard
the word "appen"?

Not randomly attached to the side of
a sentence like some kind of ginnel.

Um, where do you live, Karen?
Go down here in London.

I've just not gone all soft
like 'im.

I've not gone soft. Really?

What about the orange and bergamot
hand lotion in your bathroom?

That's Lucy's.

And the lavender beard oil.

Yeah, that's hers as well.

I could not believe it
when you popped up on Facebook.

I only joined a couple of days ago.

Aw, always ten years behind
everyone else.

In , his family still went
outside when they needed the bog.

There was no toilet there,
they were just pigs.

KAREN LAUGHS

It was actually my idea
that Lee join Facebook.

Oh, I'm on all of them, me -

Facebook, Twitter,
Instagram, Tinder.

Tinder? Mm.

I am young, free, single
and looking for love.

I'm obviously not that picky,
though, am I?

Cos I was with him for months!

? Really?

I thought you said a couple.

Maybe you meant years.

I cannot imagine being with
that daft apeth for years!

At the moment, neither can I.

Well, went all right, didn't it?

Aye, appen.

It were a grand evenin'
and I'll tell you that for nowt.

I had more fun than a ferret
in a ginnel.

I was just trying to make Karen
feel comfortable. Yeah...

..cos I could tell how shy
and timid she was.

And can I just say -

it's not a big deal, but you can buy
Eccles cakes in Waitrose.

It's not some magical formula
guarded by Ken Barlow

and buried in the Hovis mines
of Accrington.

It's a little cake
with currants in it

that most people don't like
very much.

Not that it's a big deal.

This isn't about the Eccles cakes,
it's about you.

You spent the whole evening
acting like you're embarrassed

about the life you're now leading.

You seemed intent on impressing her
for some reason.

You don't honestly think I've still
got a thing for her, do you?

No, of course not, but she might
still have a thing for you.

She's got a funny way of showing it.

Well, she's got a funny way
of doing everything, hasn't she?

Judging by how much
you were laughing at all her jokes.

Oh, we just had a couple of laughs.

And when you say a couple,
do you mean ?

I'm going to sleep.

Oi! I'll still cleaning me teeth.

Well, just spit it on t'floor
and rub it in with thee foot.

Toby, where on earth are you?

I was ready to be collected
ten minutes ago.

I don't care about
double yellow lines.

You're a bloody surgeon,
doesn't that come with some perks?

Well, get a flashy light!

He sends his love.

Anna, do you trust Toby?

In terms of, you know,
being faithful.

Toby is my rock.

By which I mean he just sits there
gathering moss.

He wouldn't have the initiative
to cheat. Why do you ask?

Oh, it's nothing,

it's just Lee was contacted
by an ex-girlfriend from years ago.

She came round the house. Oh, I see.

How did they behave together?
Were they close? Did they flirt?

Actually, they just flung
verbal abuse at each other.

That is close.
They might as well be married.

Would you be jealous of Toby's ex?

I'd be jealous of her
for having split up with him.

Why? Are you jealous?

I don't know. A bit.

They only met up
because I encouraged it.

Well, that was silly of you.

It's one thing to trust
your husband,

it's another to dangle temptation.

I didn't dangle her.

Did I?

This is one of life's tests.

The correct response
when your husband says

he wants to meet up with
an ex-girlfriend

is to immediately set fire
to all of his clothes

and feed his ties
through a paper shredder

because that, Lucy...

..is love.

SHE SIGHS

Can we talk?

I've been chatting to Anna

about this whole thing
of what to do about exes.

That's a worry.

I've always assumed
that Anna's exes were stuffed

and mounted in a display cabinet.

She gave me some advice.

Go on.

She said she thinks that temptation
can be a dangerous thing

in a marriage and that it should be
avoided at all costs.

Right. So do you know
what I think we should do?

What?

I think we should do the exact
opposite of what Anna would do.

What, you're going to actually
attach a pair of testicles to me?

I don't ever want us to end up
like Toby and Anna, Lee.

Course you should stay in touch
with Karen.

In fact, I think I should
invite her back here.

I think I made a bad impression
last time.

I may have come across as prickly.

She didn't notice.

So I did come across as prickly?

Course not.

More like a battle-axe.

I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry.

I was putting on a stupid act
last time.

I need to show her the real me.

I am what I am.

Please don't tell her
you need to show her the real you

and then sing I Am What I Am.

It might just confuse things.

LAUGHTER

Oh, well, that was lovely, Lucy.
I am stuffed.

Oh, there's spotted d*ck and custard
for pudding.

Or a lighter dessert of panna cotta
if you prefer.

Panna cotta? Can't get that
in Chorley.

Yes, you can, you go to the shop.

It's very nice of you
to have me back,

especially after I took the mick
out your husband so much.

That's why I wanted you back.

It's hard work mocking him by myself
all these years.

Has he ever told you about the perm?

I don't believe he has.

It wasn't a perm,
it was a demi wave.

Oh, it's such a shame
there aren't any photographs

so I could show you
what an absolute pillock he looked.

Oh, hang on, wait a minute,
there is.

LUCY GROANS

He wanted to look like that bloke
off INXS.

KAREN LAUGHS

My God, he looks more like
Steffi Graf.

Ey! At least I'm not the one
who tried to pierce me own ears

with a staple g*n.

Ouch! Oh, God, yeah,
I ended up in casualty.

Ey, that was the same night
we got engaged.

Came out of hospital with a bandage
on my head and a ring on my finger.

Do you remember? No.

Oh, well, that's charming, that is!

We never got engaged, Karen!

Yes, we did.

You put one of those old-fashioned
ring pulls off a Diet Coke
on my finger.

See? We were just messing.
I wore it for a whole year.

What am I like? Is that rhetorical?

He got down on one knee.

I really don't remember any of this
at all. Yes, you do.

You got all weepy in A&E

and then you said
you'd come so close to losing me

that you wanted to hold on to me
forever.

You soppy twat.

Yeah, Lee, you silly old c...
OK.

Look at his face.

I am k*lling him!

Yeah. Leave me with something to do.

Did you set a date? Book a church?

It wasn't a big deal!

Oh, just a registry office, then?

Were it just close fettlers
and a bit of bread and drippin'?

I'd forgotten all about it.

Oh, I see. Any other engagements
you'd forgotten all about?

Perhaps a couple of actual marriages
that have slipped your mind?

It was a stupid, silly thing.
It wasn't real.

It didn't mean anything.

Getting engaged
didn't mean anything?

I wish I'd known that
when you proposed to me!

That was different.

Me and you actually ended up getting
married, unlike me and Karen.

Yeah, why was that? What?

Who finished with who?

I can't remember!

Oh, I see, she dumped you.

I was second choice.

Oh, get a grip.
Of course you weren't second choice.

Yes, I was!

Only in terms of order like...

..Kim Jong-il coming before
Kim Jong-un.

Strike that! Let me try again.

Just think how much better
life could have been

if Karen had said yes.

No, it wouldn't.

I meant for me!

You forgot you were engaged?

We were just kids.

When I was five, I asked the girl
next door to marry me.

Should I have mentioned that
to Lucy as well?

Oh, for the love of God,
don't add anyone else into the mix.

Not my fault I forgot.

Are you sure you didn't
just... conveniently forget?

Right, well,
I sort of half-remembered.

You can't half-remember
a thing like that.

It's not the lyrics to
Come On Eileen.

Don't tell me you were once engaged
to someone called Eileen as well.

All right, I admit it,
I completely remembered.

But it wasn't serious.

And I didn't want to mention it

because I didn't want it to end up
in a huge row with Lucy.

And how did that work out for you?

Relationships are based on trust.

I think you owe Lucy an apology.

Oh, you're right.

I'll talk to her when I get back.

Pretending to forget
that you'd got engaged...

I wish I'd thought of that.

I could have stayed single.

Can we talk?

Look, OK, I admit -

I've always remembered that I once
sort of got engaged,

but I never felt there was any point
in bringing it up.

Why would I want to risk upsetting
the one person I truly love

with a story about a meaningless
romance from years ago,

when the only person

I've ever really wanted to spend
the rest of my life with is you?

Not saying it again.

I heard you.

I'm married to you.

It was a huge mistake...

Not marrying you - I mean...

..not telling you
about my silly past.

Do you really think I'd demonstrate
my eternal love for someone

with the ring pull off a Diet Coke?

Yeah.

But however meaningless it was,

I'm sorry that you heard it
from Karen.

And by the way,

I don't want to see her again, ever.

I'm sorry.

And to make it up to you properly,

I'm going to take you out
for dinner tonight.

I'll even ask for our special table
by the window.

Oh, I really like that table.

No-one can hear your chewing.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be Karen
with my secret love child.

Too soon!

Oh, hello, Ben.
Sorry to call by unannounced.

When I was here the other day
I left my umbrella.

Can you believe it?

Of all the things to leave,
my umbrella.

Yes. Right.

Don't worry, it's genuine this time.
No ulterior motive.

Sorry, that's a private joke.

Back at university,

I deliberately left my umbrella
round at Lucy's place,

so I had an excuse to go back
and ask her out.

I mean, that's... that's how we
started dating in the first place.

I know, it's a cheesy story.

No, no, it's a
truly fascinating story.

Well, must dash.

Toodle-pip, Benjamin.

I kept meaning to mention it.

Is that right?

Yes, it is.

But guess what?

I forgot.

I presume dinner is cancelled.

Oh, no, I'm still going.

Just not with you.

Oh, yeah? With who, then?

Guess who.

Oh, shove your Eccles cake
up your... ginnel.

Well, this is all very
last minute, Lee.

Well, you know me, carpe diem.

Oh, I love fish.

It's Latin.

Blimey, I have changed.

Oh, can we have the one
in the window?

Sorry, we've just had a reservation
for that one.

I knew I should have booked
the good table.

Listen to you.

I remember when you were happy
with a plastic seat at Wimpy.

Well, now I prefer a bistro.

I always thought bistro
meant gravy granules.

Oh, give it a rest.

What is up with you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just had a huge row with Lucy.

About you being here with me?

No.

Well, sort of about you, I guess.

I see.

Look, Lee, there's something
that I need to say.

You and me meeting up again
after all this time,

it's been really, really nice...

..but it's a bit friggin' weird,
isn't it?

Three times in one week -
have you not got any other friends?

You contacted me!

For a quick coffee,
and then straight after

you invite me to your house
for dinner.

That was Lucy's idea.

If you must know,
I thought it was weird as well.

We never eat at the dining table.

And now this.

Can I just check -
what do you think THIS is?

I do wonder if you're still hoping

that perhaps we can carry on
where we left off.

We have carried on
where we left off -

you taking the piss out of me and
assuming I'm after sex all the time.

We're not having sex, Lee.
Oh, for God's sake.

I know we're not!

Hi. I made a phone reservation
ten minutes ago.

The table by the window.

Hello, Karen.

Lee, you remember Ben.

Careful, Karen, Lee's got
some Hula Hoops in his pocket,

he might try and slip one
on your finger.

Why are you and Lee having dinner
with different people?

Oh, sometimes it's just nice

to sit opposite a man who can keep
his food in his mouth.

Have you had a row?

Is it a day with a Y in it? Why?

Yes. What?

Look, yes, we've had a row,
but just keep smiling,

I want him to think
we're having fun.

Aren't we? Yes, of course.

Sorry.

How's your mum?
Oh, she d*ed last year.

LUCY LAUGHS LOUDLY

Sorry, what?

What the hell is going on here, Lee?

She's trying to make me jealous
cos I'm here with you.

And why are you here with me?

Oh, you know, just touching base.

Oh, and which base were you hoping
to get to?

I've already told you, Karen,

I'm not interested in you
in that way.

He says over a candlelit dinner
with me in a restaurant.

If you just made a wish,
it's not going to happen.

I'm going to go
and order us some wine.

Why don't you take a moment
on your own

and think about what I've said?

You need to move on and let me go.

I have moved on.

Can you just sit down
so we can order supper?

Oh, it's supper now, is it?

Ah, wind you neck in,
Vera Duckworth!

She was pooing all over the house
and attacking strangers.

So sad.

I used to really like your mum.

I'm talking about my dog now.

Oh.

Oh, dear, that's a shame.

OK, I think you need to explain
what's going on here, Lucy.

I'm starting to think
I'm being used.

Maybe I'll ask that waiter
to call me a cab.

No, please, stay.

Is this seat taken?

Please tell me you can't see
that waiter either.

I bet if Karen had said that
you'd have wet yourself.

Oh, Lucy, does it matter?

No...

Of course it doesn't.

It was a long time ago.

We don't need to bear grudges
against these people.

It's the same with you
and that dickhead.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about mine and Ben's past.

And I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about me and Karen getting engaged,

even though we weren't really
because we were just kids

so it doesn't really count.

Sorry, you do realise
speed dating's on Thursdays.

So... what would you like?

Shall we just get some chips
on the way home?

Yeah.

But you haven't paid for the wine.

Her husband will pay.

There, I have deleted Facebook.

Oh, you've missed Karen's update.
Then.

She and Ben are getting
very friendly.

Ooh, "Bellinis in a French bistro
with a gentleman named Benjamin."

She's changed.

I remember when she was anyone's
for a can of Diet Coke.

There's a lot to be said for losing
touch with people, isn't there?

Oh, I don't know.

You never know when
some previous sexual partner

will suddenly reappear.

PHONE RINGS

I can't talk right now,
my husband's next to me.

Well, I just wondered if you fancied
rekindling the old flame.

You know, some fun,
no strings attached,

like the old days.

I'm sorry, I'm married.

I don't do that sort of thing
any more.

Oh, shame.

And sorry for reversing the charges.

So, eh...

..if you've just said no
to your fancy man,

does that mean
your husband's in with a chance?

Ooh, sex or chips -

now that's a dilemma.

You're right,
let's finish the chips first.

You are so Northern.

No, I'm not.

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪