01x01 - Serious

[bunniefuu]

♪ Yeah, not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

If we're really desperate, I could

always ask my flatmate, Lee.

He's not ideal but I suppose
all he has to do is look smart,

be amusing and be able
to use a Kn*fe and fork.
How hard can that be?

I'll ask him and call you back.

What's going on? There was
an ad in the newsagent's window.

"Earn money without
leaving the house."

I'm making Christmas crackers.
Wow! Live the dream. You said do
something with my life.

I didn't mean something that makes

you look like an extra from

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

What about those adult education
leaflets I got you?

There's nothing there for me.
They're aimed at kids.

Look at this one. It says,
"Are you looking for a job, innit?"

"Are you looking for a job, innit?"
We're not all home boys
looking for nuff respec'.

"Are you looking for a job,
innit?" It's pathetic.

No, it doesn't. It says "are
you looking for a job in IT?"

They're not jobs.
Just patronising training courses.

There's one about
learning to be a clown.

"You'd be surprised at how clowning

can help you develop workplace

skills." Why don't you go on that?

That might be fun. Think of
the new friends you'll make.

Oh, me? Sorry. I thought
a small child had walked in.

So what were you going to ask me?
It doesn't matter. Go on.

We're publishing this book
for an author called Lucy Moss

and she's in town for a couple
of days and doesn't know anybody,

so my boss has asked me
to arrange a dinner date for her.

Forget it. I'm not going out
with some woman I've never met.
I've got my dignity.

My company's picking up the tab.

I'll get my suit.

Hang on. I'm not sure
you cut the mustard.

Why? Well, she's kinda intense and

I don't mean to be rude but we may

need someone who's a little more...

you know...
No, I don't know. Well... mature.

And serious. And a good listener.

Hey, I'm a good listener. And I'm...

what were the other two?

Mature and serious.
I can be serious when I want to be.

No, you can't. I can. Maybe

you need to lighten up. Sorry, did

you say lighten up?

Yes. Oh. Lighten up. OK, how about
a little joke then? Knock, knock!

Who's there? It's Miss Serious USA,

who's so sick of being

told to "lighten up"

especially by her ex-boyfriend Tim,
who said it on the day he left her

for a woman half his age
and apparently more "fun".

It's Miss Serious USA, who's so sick
of being told to "lighten up"

especially by her ex-boyfriend Tim
who said it on the day he left her

for a woman half her age
and apparently more "fun" who?

Is this what you want?
Should we have a food fight?

Oh, can we, that'd be great. No!

I'll lick it off afterwards.

Tea? Yeah, thanks.

Maybe I should go on this course.
You? A clown?

You'd be perfect.

Right, I will.
Go for it, Mr Bubbles.

Yeah, I hope you like that.
It's molasses and wheatgerm.

I made it myself.

So how've you been?
Yeah, I went before I came out.

No, HOW've you been.

Fine.

What about Kate? How's she been?
She's been going quite regularly...

Can we please
have a normal conversation?

She's fine. Happy as Larry.

There used to be a bloke in my

office called Larry. sh*t himself.

Does she talk about me much?

I'd rather not say.

What does she say? She says, "Have
you seen Tim?" What do you say?

I say "yes". And then what?
"What did he say?"

And I say, "I'd rather not say."
And she says, "What did he say?"

And I say, "He says have you seen
Kate? What did she say?"
And then I say...

All right, I get the idea.

Do you know what
struck me the other day?

I've never actually
apologised to Kate.

I'm going to go round and see her
this week, I'm going to look her
straight in the eye,

I'm going to explain why I did what
I did and I'm going to say sorry.

Why did you do what you did?

Well, if that doesn't win
her over, nothing will.

We were sort of at this crossroads

in our relationship and

there were only two choices...

Three choices. At a crossroads you
can go left, right or straight on.

The point is, we were
at a crossroads. T-junction.
All right, T-junction.

The thing is...
Check your mirror. Shut up.

The thing is I
was probably just confused

and the last thing I should have
done is gone off and had a fling

with a girl I didn't care about.

I'm going out with a bird on
Saturday. You've been a big help,
Doctor. How much do I owe you?

One of Kate's authors.

You can't go out with an author.

Why not? She's probably got letters

after her name. So have I. No,

you've got letters IN your name. Oh.

- Won't she be a bit serious for you?
- That's what Kate said.

I thought she was just reluctant

about the date. You don't let each

other to go on dates now?

You need someone in your life. You
know what they say, no man is an
island. What about the Isle of Man?

I'm not joking. You should go.
All right, I will. Good.

So how've you been?
Yeah, I went before I came out.

I feel such an idiot.

There's no need to be embarrassed,
it's an easy mistake to make.

I didn't expect it to be like this.

Well, don't worry.
At least you'll know for next time.

Are they...

you know? What?

Special.

They're workshopping.
Do you know what that is?

Is that when you're shopping when
you should be at work?
Cos that's what I was doing today.

It's a way of finding out
who our inner clown really is.

Look, Andy's trying to find
out how his inner clown walks.

Like a Frenchman being chased
by a snail by the look of it.

And Mark's trying to discover
how his clown can find true love.

Sorry, Zeppo, I'm already married.

Sorry, Zeppo. I...

don't find you attractive.

I'm sorry, I don't think
this sort of thing is for me.

Don't give up already, Kate.

We all have an inner clown,
it's just a question of finding
her and letting her out.

Maybe my inner clown could work in
the box office... do a little admin.

APPLAUSE

Of course, I'm a bit
of an author myself.

Are you? Yes, in fact I've just
written a novel about chickens.

Was it successful? Indeed it was.

In fact, it was nominated for a
"Book... Book... Booker" Prize.

- You're very funny. Will you marry me?
- I don't think so.

You might want to get
some Clearasil on that.

My teacher says it will help to find
my inner clown if I wear my nose
and make-up when I'm at home. Don't.

I'm taking this seriously.
That's where you're going wrong.

She also says it would help if
you call me by my clown name when
I'm wearing this. Which is what?

Are you going to laugh? No. Foo-Foo.

You're laughing.

I'm not. I'm picking my teeth.

Do you know where my keys are...
Foo-Foo? Beep! Beep!

You can't take
anything seriously, can you?

I can. I've just signed up
for Taking Things Seriously Club.
You're such a dork, Lee.

Can you not call me Lee?

Can you call me by my serious name,

which is Serious Magerious.

This is why I'm nervous
about you meeting Lucy.

I have been out with bright girls,
you know. What, like Mandy?

She wasn't thick. She had concussion.

For two years?

Thanks for doing this.
I know she's not your type.

Oh, you know my rules, if she's
under and not a blood relation.

Second one's new.
You're getting fussy.

Can't stand here chatting.

I've got a successful author to meet.

She's not that successful.

Well, she's written a book.

I bet you wouldn't like it. Why not?

It hasn't got any pictures
or fuzzy material to feel.

- What's it called?
- Happy Days. Is it about..? The Fonz?

No. It's an autobiography. About
who? Who are they usually about?

Alan Hansen.

Well, the ones I've read are.

Well, it's about how she
overcame a series of difficult
and traumatic encounters.

You want to try sitting next to
Mark Lawrenson for seven years.

Sorry I was late. Public transport.

That's OK. You look just like
the back of the bus... Book.

- Well, I hope you enjoyed reading it.
- Loved it.

It's written with fundamental
truth that's honestly brutal
but never alienates the reader.

That's funny. That's exactly
what The Sunday Times said.

It's posh in here. Last time I was
here I was with my mate, College.

College? Yeah, it's what
we nicknamed him cos he left
our town to go to college.

He was the only one of your
friends to go to college?

Yeah, but we weren't thick. We
stayed cos we had decent careers.

We're all still good mates.
Me, ASDA, Fruitpick, Doley Pete.

Did you have a nickname?
Merchant Banker.

What about you? Mozzy the Prozzie.

Why?

What, you mean why was I
a teenage prost*tute?

Yes.

It's hard to summarise the
first three chapters of a book,

but I was just preconditioned
into thinking that I deserved
a lifetime of abuse.

I was carrying around
a lot of baggage about my mother's
abuse towards me,

and I was trying to punish myself
because of the guilt I felt

after my father was jailed
for abusing me too.

Are you having a starter?

Not for me, thanks.

Are you not having a proper drink?

Chapter six? Oh, yeah.
You stopped, didn't you?

Started. Started. But then you
stopped, didn't you? Cos you were...

Pregnant. Yeah.

How is he?

She? I had an abortion.
I haven't read it. I know.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh...

Hello. Kate.

Well remembered.

Well, at least half of you
is excited to see me.

Yeah, well it's not the bottom half.

What's with the make-up?
I've been to a fancy-dress party
as a clown who's had a stroke.

If you've come to see Lee, he's out.

With the author?
I don't know. I'm not his mum.

Shame - I would have liked to tell
him I used to sleep with his mum.

Well, you can always pretend
your last girlfriend was his
-year-old niece. She was .

I'll tell him you came by.

It was actually you I came to see.

Can we talk? About what?

About...

us. There's no us.

OK, can we talk about...

you and me. There's no you and me.

OK, let's talk about...
Business like show business.

There's no business like show...

Please, there's something
I want to say to you.

Oooh - is that food I can smell?
Tofu and mung bean loaf.

Not food, then.

And it was just after that
that I was systematically
abused by the care worker.

I cannot begin to tell you the
guilt I was carrying around
with me as a child. Can't you?

Oh, well. Do you like snooker?

The book helped me to
achieve a sense of release.

So I'm glad I went through
the pain of writing it myself,
and not using a ghost writer.

What, like Stephen King?

No, not that sort of ghost writer.

Someone who writes it for you.

But if, as an author,
what you're trying to do
is exorcise demons...

Then you do use Stephen King.
Am I making you feel uncomfortable?

It's just you're using
a lot of displacement.
What's displacement?

You make jokes every time
I try and expose myself.

I certainly... Are you going to
do a joke about me exposing myself?
Yes. That's displacement.

Have you ever thought
about channelling it in a more
creative way?

It's funny you should say that.
Have a pull on that.

I've been trying my hand at
writing better cr*cker jokes.
You can read it out if you like.

Come on, everyone loves Christmas.

Not people who had
the Christmases I had. Oh, God.

You know that saying about the

three stages of human development.

First you believe in Father
Christmas, then you don't believe
in Father Christmas

and finally you are Father
Christmas. You know my three
stages?

I reckon I could have a guess.

Firstly I believed
in Father Christmas...

Then I was abused by Father
Christmas... There it is.

And finally they
arrested Father Christmas.

Let's have a joke to
cheer us up. I wouldn't worry...

"Why did Santa Claus's little
helper become a prost*tute?

"Because she was a ho ho ho...

"with low 'elf' esteem."

I'll get the bill.

How's it going with Lee here?

Oh, we're like a married couple.

Good. So you're not having sex then?

We're having lots of sex,
it's joyless and mechanical.

I've missed your silly jokes, Kate.

In fact, I've missed lots of things.

Your little romantic touches.

Your fancy wines.

Your...

silly jokes.

Kate, the reason I've
come round here tonight

is because despite
everything I've put you through,

there's a word I never said to you.

And I thought tonight would be a

good night to say it, now that Lee's

not in the way as usual.

What do you mean, in the way?
I like having him here.

Oh, do you now? Yeah. And since you
moved out, I need the rent money.

What have been you doing with it?
Buying a bar of soap, or just
blowing it all on a can of Tango?

He's doing quite well
at the moment. He's got a new job.

Is he trying to put young
Filipino boys out of work?

So what's he doing?
He's a freelance operative that
makes celebratory artefacts.

For religious festivals.

I thought he was stuffing crackers.

Why are you pretending
you don't know?

It's interesting
seeing you bigging him up.

So, heard from
little Miss Funny Tits?

Her name was Emma.
I bet she was a giggle.
This has gone well.

Like living
with Joe Pasquale with a vag*na.

Well,
at least she wasn't argumentative.

I am not the argumentative one.

And I am not the pathetic, little
immature one.

I'm not the immature one, you...

stupid... smelly... face.

Well, thanks a lot. What?

For setting me up with
Mrs Jolly Potatoes.

Her mother, her brother, the stepdad,
the care worker, the car worker, the
bar worker, the social worker, Doc,

Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Dave Dee,

Dozey, Beaky, Mick and Titch. I mean,

she's not had much luck has she?

I knew she'd be too serious for you.

I never said that. Well, don't worry.

We publish the Chuckle Brothers'
book. Have a threesome with them.

If they haven't been abused
by Mr Blobby, I don't care.

It was obviously as successful
as my little date with Tim.

Oh, he came round, did he?

How did you get on?
Like a house on fire.

Oh, you been cooking again?

Yeah. Laugh it up.

This is why it didn't
work out with Lucy.

You couldn't handle a serious woman,

or a serious conversation.

Or a serious relationship.

Yes, I could.

In fact, I'm going
to ask her out again.

Ah, fine. Do what you like.

- It doesn't affect me. Maybe you have
- a side I haven't seen.

You shouldn't judge a book
by its cover. Exactly.

As my nan used to say, cos
Thora Hird can't climb stairs,
doesn't mean she's a Dalek.

So where are you going to take her?

I can't decide between
a manic-depressive convention

or a photo exhibition involving
dead soldiers lying in a trench.

I presume that's a joke.
Of course. I'm not an idiot.

This one's... interesting.

Ah, yes, this is another one that
"succeeds in conveying the finality
of death

"through the lens in this exhibition
which is as thought provoking

"as it is shocking.
£ , £ concessions".

I find it depressing.

Reminds me of something that
happened to me as a child.

I was eight years old. I remember

having this feeling of overwhelming

despondency, and thinking,

"What is death?"

"Maybe life is death.
And death is life."

Eight, yeah?

I used to wet the bed,
and play Buckaroo.

Having said that,
I used to think quite deep things as
well when I was that age. Like what?

Like. Why, oh, why was I... adopted.

Really?

I was quite young, but my real

parents decided they'd had enough of

me and left me in Kwik Save.

And you never saw them again? You
didn't tell me this the other night.

I find it very hard to...

Externalise.

I was going to say get their address,

but yes, externalise.
I'm probably still in denial,
like I was at the time.

My brothers used to tease me
but I just thought it was
friendly banter.

"You're adopted. You're different."

"Quick, get him. Let's burn him."

My dad denied it for years as well.

He'd say "Don't listen to them,
they very bad boys, they lie."

"They velly bad lie boys."

But in the end he sat me down,
with the interpreter, he said,

"I have to tell you why you don't
look like all the other boys in
Tokyo."

And he told me and I cried.

I cried for days,
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep.

I stopped going to origami lessons.

It was a very sad time.

Not just for me, but for the
whole of the Kwanganiki family.

Oh, mass graves.

How's it going with Lucy?

Not great. She's not really my type.

Why, what's your type?

I like my women like I like
my coffee.

Strong, dark, from the corner of
the street, and I'm not willing
to pay more than £ . .

Yeah, well as long
as it's not Americano.

Don't worry, I'm sticking at it.
Rome wasn't built in a day.

No, that was Milton Keynes.

So what's the problem?

She's an author.
What do I know about books?

Quote some Shakespeare.
That'll impress her.

"Shall I compare thee to a

summer's day, thou art more lovely

and more temperate".

Sonnet .

All right.
What about "Baby, if you go away,

"I don't think I could I take the
pain. Won't you stay another day?".

East .

So what's she like? Well, she likes

to tell me things about herself.

And then she expects me to tell
her things about me.

It's called talking.

It's all the rage down South.

I was thinking.

Why not bring her here one night?

Maybe you could
ask me and Kate along as well?
It'd be like a double date?

Oh, we're going on
another one of them?

I hope it's more successful than
the last. Not still going
on about this?

At least this time you'll be
bringing someone under .

It was a special treat for her
birthday. And she is my mum.

You two talking all night
about golf and strawberries,

leaving me bored senseless
in the corner with the other one.

How is your dad?

So is Kate still angry?

No. She's been too busy

reading that book about voodoo dolls.

You want to watch it,
she's getting quite good.

She stuck a pin in a map
the other day and there
was an earthquake in Peru.

You going to ask her
about this double date, then?

I don't think it's a good idea.
This Lucy, she's heavy going.

She likes to tell me about all this

weird stuff she does.

Why, what does she do?

Self-harms.

What's wrong with selling farms?

Oh, self-harms. Oh.

That's a bit sad.

Maybe just bring her along anyway.

I'm quite good with

angst and tragedy.

You grew up in Henley, what do you
know about tragedy?

The Greeks invented it. Shakespeare

wrote about it. The Bee Gees sang

it, and Steps covered it.

What about this?

"Death comes to every man, and every

man comes to death. Deal with it."

That's not funny.
It's not supposed to be.

I'm thinking of a business making
serious crackers for serious
occasions -

hospital visits, inquests, funerals.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did Uncle Peter
swerve to avoid it?

Why has God taken him from us? Amen.

I think you need
to stop seeing Lucy.

I'm seeing her tonight.
Want to come?

Why would I want to go out with
you and Lucy? And Tim. Oh, great.

Is Charles Manson coming too?

- He's upset about the other day.
- What did he say?

I'd rather not say.

We're supposed to be friends.

What did he say?

He said... Don't start that...

Come on, he just wants to clear the
air.

I'll be there, to make sure it's
done sensitively.
Sensitively?

This from a guy who upset my mom
by calling her 'The Happy Hippo'?

Come on. She's bigger than that.

Are you going to come or not?

OK. I'll come...

after Clown Club.
See you tonight then, Foo-Foo.

Say that tonight and I'll
break every bone in your neck.

You might have to work
on your catchphrases.

Magical.

Very good.

Excellent focus, Paola.

And how are you getting on, Kate?

Why did you do that?

Because usually the joke is that
everyone expects is to be water,
but it's not, it's confetti.

But my inner clown likes to twist
things around. She's a maverick.

And my inner clown gets pissed
off when people throw water at her.

I thought
we'd been through this before.

What's the first rule of Clown Club?

You do not talk about Clown Club?

We're not interested in traditional
clown performance at this stage,

we're interested
in workshopping your inner clown.

Don't even think about it.

What if me and Kate
end up rowing again?

It's good to externalize.
Thanks, Trisha.

How will that help? You think we'll

end up in a passionate embrace?

Have you brushed your teeth?
Yes. Might consider it.

She hates me, doesn't she?
Tim, she doesn't hate you.

Prawn cocktail. Barbecue beef.

Cheese and bastard.

Excuse the pun. That wasn't a pun.

That was Tourette's.

Lucy's late. I can't believe
you're meeting her again.
What do you talk about?

Nothing. She pushes me on
the swings and gives me trifle.

I'm not a complete moron.

It's not about us. Are you going to
externalise?

Do you know what externalise means?

When you've got something unpleasant
inside and you try and get it out.

Sounds like your cooking.

And our love life.

What we have here, you see,
is displacemat... ment.

You lighten a tense atmosphere by
sticking in your little funny bits.

Don't do the sex-life joke again.

But I think what we need to be doing
now is forgetting the past and trying
to help Kate exfoliate her demons.

You see, I think the problem is that
you haven't really been listening
to what Kate actually has to say.

Well, that's what...
Hang on. I haven't finished.

Tim, what you did, you know,
having it off with that Emma tart
was bang out of order.

You're definitely a
qualified psychiatrist, yeah?

I think there's
something Tim wants to say.

Kate...

I'm sorry. Right, that's that

sorted. Who wants a game of darts?

You think that
one quick sorry is fine?

Say it again. Slowly.

I know I treated you badly. If it's

any consolation, I've been through a

tough time.

That is true, Kate. Tim's
had to go through two break-ups.
You've only had... I'll shut up.

Oh, yeah. It must have been
tough when you left her.

- You know what
- they're like when they're teething.

She was . And If you must
know, she walked out on me. Wow!

Walking as well. They grow up quick.

So that's why we're here? To hear
about your broken heart?

I'm here for the laughs and
the merry conversation.

I can't believe you're trying to

get us back together. I don't want

you back together.

Don't you?

No.

Why's that then?

Oh, I've had enough.
It's doing my cake in.

My best mate's ended up with girl who

makes him look like he should be

on a register,

I'm sharing a flat with Coco the
bloody Frown,

and I'm knocking about with some
woman who's as much fun
as a suicidal tortoise.

Oh, hello.

I was just saying, my tortoise
has taken an overdose.

Helloooo.

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

Hey! Can you turn that down?!

Thank you!

Oh... hello.

I didn't hear you.
What are you listening to?

It's a great new album I bought.
Have a listen.

PLAYS THE SAME NOISE
HE HAS BEEN MAKING

Having you been waiting for me
to come into do that joke?

Well, you've got to fill
the day, haven't you?

So how was Clown Club?

I got kicked out.

Teacher asked me to explore my inner

clown using variant

emotional and spatial relationships.

What does that mean?
I have no idea, so I threw a
custard pie down her pants.

How was Lucy? Was she annoyed?

Fine. She was getting cold feet
anyway.

She thought you were
getting too serious.

The words pot, kettle and black
spring to mind

and I don't mean
put the kettle on, Pot Black's on.

So where's all the cr*cker stuff?

I got sacked. One of my funeral jokes

got in with a Christmas cr*cker.

Which one? Knock, knock. Who's
there?

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Quick, open the coffin,
I don't think he's dead.

Only joking, Granddad.

Rest in peace.