01x03 - Aussie

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out
Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We are not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Hello. How are things going
at the shopping centre?

If there's two things
I love, it's giving out leaflets
and dressing like a knob.

Who'd have thought there
was a way of combining both?

Well, I think you're doing
brilliantly.

At least you've got your foot
on the ladder. What's at the top?

A piece of cuttlefish
and a little mirror.

I'm proud of you, Tweetie Pie.

Don't start. I've heard them all.

That looks like an egg-citing job.

At least it's a feather in your cap.

Are you the one
that crapped on my car?

I wouldn't mind, but the last one
I wasn't wearing the costume.

Wasn't wearing the costume!
That is so funny!

All right. What do you want? It's

just the tiniest of favours.

A friend of mine is going

to stay here for a couple of days.

Yeah, that's fine.

- She can stay as long as she likes.
- Yeah, I know she can.

It's my apartment.
But thanks, anyway.

And thanks for letting me
stay for so long.
Anyway, I'll get to the point.

Please don't. I'll miss out
the sarcastic remarks.

She's Australian
and she's called Ruth.

Can I call her Struth? No.

The thing is, she's always
been more successful than me,
like better job, more money,

bigger house but no boyfriend and
the one thing that I always had over
her was my relationship with Tim.

Good job it didn't go tits up.

- HE COUGHS
- Bird flu!

That's the thing,
I sort of, like, never mentioned
that me and Tim split up.

When you say "sort of"
never mentioned it.

Well, I never mentioned it.

Yeah, that is sort of
like that, isn't it?

The fact is, I may have even
exaggerated how well
it's still going.

And I got to thinking,
she's never actually met him.

So...

No chance.

She's not going to believe
we're a couple. Yes, she will.
Where am I going to sleep?

In my room. What are friends for?

On the floor... Please!

Be my boyfriend, just for hours.

I'm desperate. Charming.

For me?

I'll think about it.
Ah, thanks, Big Bird.

It might be kind of fun
pretending we're a couple.

That thing you said about
doing a doo-doo on the man's car.

That was a joke, right?

Course it was.

He didn't see it that way, though.

Do you want hear
something weird, Tim?

You're not going to play
We Will Rock You with your
armpit again, are you?

Kate's got a friend coming to stay.

Weird. Ever thought of
writing for the X-Files(?)

She's from Australia. Slow down.

This story's getting out of control.

But she hasn't seen her for a while.

Hello. Now there's a twist.

And she's doesn't want her
to know you two have split up.

So she's asked me to pretend
to be you for a couple of days.

Now that IS weird.

Yeah, see, smart-arse?

Why doesn't she want her to know
we've split up?

Because she's been lying.
If she changes the story now,

she'd lose face quicker
than The A-Team in a maze.

Why did she lie in the first place?

She probably wants
to pretend her life's great.

So Kate thinks "life being great"
is being back with me?

Oh, herro, Mr Ego.
You rike good massage?

I'm just saying, despite
my little cock-up with Emma...

You can lose the word "with".

She might still be...

burning a candle for me.

You were burning candles for Emma -
of them on her birthday.

She was .

Anyway, it's going to be so obvious

you're not really a couple.

Why? Because Kate would never
go out with a bloke like you.

She prefers the typically English,

well turned out, suave,

debonair type.

I mean, no disrespect.

Oh, none taken.

Anyway, better go, if I'm not back
by ten, my mum locks the caravan.

I'm just saying...

Maybe she's had enough of the
typically-English, condescending,
dresses-like-his-dad, big-nose type.

I mean, no disrespect.

You'll never get away with it.

- We will. It's not like it's
- the other way round. How do you mean?

You couldn't be me, could you?

- You're reserved. I say the
- first thing that comes into my head.

There's less to choose from.

Pretending to be you would be easy.

All right, then.
I'm a girl, you're me. Chat me up.

See?
That's caught you out, hasn't it?

You haven't got time
to put your cravat on.

All right.

Good evening, Miss.
"Good evening, Miss"?

Who are you chatting up -
Penelope Keith?

All right. "Good evening, love."

Brilliant. Nice whippet.

On your own then, love?

Aye, me pal from clog factory's
riddled with scurvy
so she's gone back t'workhouse.

It's not the accent,
it's the attitude. All right.

I, er, like your top.

Why don't you go the whole hog
and say,

"If you're selling those puppies,

"I'll have the one
with the pink nose"?

OK, then, Julio,
how do you chat up women?

With charm,
sophistication and subtlety.

And if that doesn't work...

PLAYS TUNE UNDER ARMPIT

♪ You've got mud on your face

♪ You big disgrace

♪ Kicking your can
all over the place

♪ Singing...
We will, we will rock you! ♪

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Why can't you just say
he's been k*lled in a car crash?

Come on, Wee Willie Winkie,
the plane lands in an hour.

This isn't how
Wee Willie Winkie dressed.
I didn't mean the pyjamas.

It's four in the morning. Why can't
you go and pick her up on your own?

We're so consumed with the
romance of our everlasting love,
that we go everywhere together.

Remember? Can't you just say
I was so consumed with your love
that I had to have a lie down?

Get dressed.

Actually, before you go,

let's run through it one more time.

Oh, not again. What's your name?

Have a lot of
one-night stands, do you?

Come on. What's your name?

My name is Timothy.

And what do you do for a living?

I'm a corporate accountant,
who's responsible for...?

The system... the four "ations".

The formations of amalgamations
and negotiations...

And who do you deal with?

Alsatians?

Delegations. That's it.

If you wanna be the
best and you wanna b*at the rest,
delegation's what you need.

What?

I've got my own system.
POSH: You have to come prepared.

You are not really going to
do that posh voice, are you?

Kind of bloke you like, innit?
The Hugh Grant type.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.
Ooh, er, crikey, I, er...

Gosh, I'm so, erm, oh, erm...

If I washed it, would you touch it?

You must get a shock, you Americans,

when you turn up in England.

GEORDIE ACCENT: Aye, I'll buy you and
your mate a Bacardi Breezer, but one
of yous had better be up for a shag.

Look, just because you're pretending

to be Tim doesn't mean you have

to change your personality.

It is not completely beyond
the realms of possibility

that I could end up with
somebody like you, you know.

So just be who you are
and be proud of it.

OK. OK. Let's start this again.

What do you do for a living? I give

out leaflets at a shopping centre.

No, you're a corporate accountant.

Be you, but be...

better.

That's so sweet.

And don't forget what I said, if she

asks you anything you can't answer,

be vague.

Don't just stand there,
let's get to it. Strike a pose,
there's nothing to it.

Vague.

System.

Hi, Ruth, sorry I'm late,
Tim was k*lled in a car crash.

It was a dreadful journey, it was
like a nightmare on Flight Street.

I can't believe they
downgraded me to business class.

There was only this one tiny
little curtain between me

and the people with chickens
and pigs on their laps.

Just kidding. No offence, doll.

What a sweet little place.

Oh, my God,

how embarrassing!

Oh, boy, he's such an animal.

I'll just put this away.

Oh, thanks, darling.

Oh, no, thank you for not

asking for a piggyback as well.

Should I unpack or are you
letting the Seven Dwarfs sleep?

Looks like you've got yourself a big
hunk of spunky beefcake there, Kate.

Yeah, he's my big, strong
power pumperlump.

And there's me thinking accountants

were such geeky little wimps.

Not Tim. All that voluntary
environmental work he does
really keeps him in shape.

You ought to see his six pack.
Yeah, buy six, get one free.

Cheeky!

So, where's this flatmate of yours?

Oh, yeah. Where is he?

He was k*lled in a car crash.

No, he wasn't. No.

He wasn't k*lled in a car crash.

Lee moved out. It was Tim's idea.

He said he wanted this little love

nest to be just for Mr Puddleduck

and his Nookie Noodle.

Oh, stop it, Kate. You're making
me sound such a silly twat.

That's such a shame.

I was hoping some sweet
English gent would take me
to Claridges for Bellinis

and then home
for a sip of Pinio Grigio.

You haven't met Lee, have you? You
can mock, but I reckon you miss him.

Do I? Yeah, I saw that look when he

walked round in those tight undies.

Oh, yeah.
The famous budgie smugglers.

Well, better get to work,
my cheeky little sex pest.

Good on you, mate.
I can't bear my staff being late.

Oh, Tim's not staff. He's the boss.

He's got a whole team
underneath him. Oh, I had no idea.

What exactly do you do?

I'm responsible for...

..the four "ations".

What?
I'm responsible for four Asians.

Sanjeev. Farik.

Mr Patel. And his wife.

But what exactly do you do?

Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire,
Ginger Rogers, dance on air.

No, Sanjeev, Farik,

Mr Patel. Vogue. Vogue. Vogue.

Come on, you guys.

Well, it's hard to explain
in layman's terms,

but if you had a wheelbarrow full of
money and the wheel kept falling off,
you'd have two choices.

You could empty the wheelbarrow and

lose the money, or you could put more

money in and tighten up the nut.

Well, I'm a spanner.

Is he going to work
dressed like that?

Oh, no, he changes when he's there.

You should see him in his suit.

When he walks in that room,
you know he's the boss.

Mobile Superstore. Don't get

trapped by the big network gorillas.

No hidden costs.

No long-term contracts.

No point saying any of this.

No-one's listening.

I could be saying anything.

Mr Bojangles Fruity Loop
Lumpy Gussets. Oi, loser.

Can I buy that monkey off you?

It's not for sale.

I was talking to the gorilla.

- Don't get too close,
- he stinks and he's riddled with nits.

- He's not real.
- I was talking to the gorilla.

He's not a real gorilla. There's
no-one there. They're your legs.

Sod off before your ankle-tag
goes off.

Well, whose legs are they,
you pillock?

Your mum's. She's having a day off
from entertaining dockers in
exchange for old tins of cat food.

Act your age, you toss-pot.
No, you act your age.

No, you. No, you. No you.
No bring-backs. No returns. They're
your legs. No, they're not.

So what's it like being me?
Oh, it's got a few drawbacks,

but nothing that a plastic sheet
on the bed can't sort out.

How's it going with you and Kate?

Is the magic still there?

It's fine. It's probably
a novelty going out
with someone who's half gorilla.

I shouldn't say that,
she shaves her legs occasionally.

So, er...

Do you kiss? Maybe,
if you tell me your name first.

Come on. You and Kate, do you kiss?

Of course we don't.

Do you hold hands? No. Do you show

any outward affection?

We're supposed to be in a long-term
relationship, course we don't.

I suppose you're not really the
tactile type, are you? Yes, I am.

Get off!

Just proving a point.

Well, I'm glad you didn't say
I don't like sex.

Stop it!

You're such a... northerner.
No, I'm not.

Get off, you poof!

Hang on, where are you sleeping?

Well, I have to sleep in Kate's
room, don't I? I'm on the floor.

Oh, yeah, and where's she exactly?

She's greasing herself up ready to do
a threesome with me and your sister.

Where do you think she is?
She's in the bed.

The green-eyed monster's
raising his head!

How about the one-eyed monster?

Why did you say that? You don't
normally say stuff like that.

You do.
That's clearly what Kate likes.

Tim. The whole thing's a sham.
Yeah. Sham .

What are you doing? I'm just saying

the first thing that comes

into my head.

I'm tired of being
a middle-class ponce.

I want to be rough and ready, spit
in a bucket and smell of cabbage.

Could I have a white wine
spritzer, please?

Sorry, Woody,
you're sleeping with Lee tonight.

Don't look at me like that.
You've seen Brokeback Mountain.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hang on, Ruth!

Come in.

What have I told you about
using the bed as a trampoline?

I knew it would end in tears.

You don't need to knock.
We're together.

Act like it's your bedroom.

Not on the floor.

Very sexy.

Are you looking for Gromit?

I like being your boyfriend,
it's really boosting my confidence.

Ruth might come barging in
and see me sleeping down here.

I know I'm a love god,
but we're pushing it
saying I can reach from there.

I could just say we've had a fight.

What? Mrs Puddleduck
and his Nookie Noodle?

What's happened? Did he cheat at
pooh sticks or has he dropped the
cream buns in Bubblegum Lane?

Is Ruth the sort of person who's
just going to come barging in to
somebody's bedroom without knocking?

Get in.

Go on.

Are we expecting others?

If Tim could see me now.

First I'm in his job.

Them I'm in his bed.

Next, I'll be...

You might be more comfortable
if you took off your dressing gown
and slippers. Phwoar!

Welcome to the Thora Hird Sex Line.

Time out, lovebirds!

What have I told you? If you eat

all the cake, use your hands!

Kate, you've got to try our
new rejuvenating face cream.

One of our top exports.

A couple of weeks of that,
you'll be looking again.

Wow. Now I know what to
ask the grandchildren
to get me for Christmas.

I've got something for
you too, Mr Lover Man.

- Although, it's really more for Kate
- than for you.

Oh, a back-waxer. I think you know
what it is, Colonel Love Rocket.

I really don't,
Sergeant Strange Knickers.

It's from our new range
of "Pleasure Oils".

Kate tells me what you get up to,
you bloody stallion.

Tell you what, think of me next
time you're dropping anchor.

I will. It'll make it last longer.

I reckon that'll be perfect
for your anniversary.

What anniversary?

What anniversary!

THE anniversary.

D-Day?

The day we got together.

Oh, yes, all those years ago.

How many years has it been now, Tim?

F-f-f... Seven. Feven years.

Crikey, seven years, that's
a long while, you little terrier.

Well, go on, I think she deserves
to be thanked properly. Go on.

Cheers.

Is that it? She's not your sister.

He's from the North.

That wouldn't stop him.

Right, well I've got

a little bit more Ruth maintenance

to take care of.

My Brazilian's starting to look
like a Mexican on a bad-hair day.
Good night, kids. Good night.

DOOR SHUTS

Well, thanks a bunch. What?

When she's around,
can't you just pretend to be
a little bit more romantic?

I can't just turn it on like a tap.

Force it. All right, I can't
just turn it on like a faucet!

I'm not joking. I need you to
show a little bit more affection
towards me when she's around.

Why can't you just be
a little bit more... like Tim?

Oh, I was wondering
how long that'd take.

Why you can't be a bit more like...
Jennifer Aniston?

I'm starting
to think this relationship thing
isn't going to work. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I'm sleeping on the floor.
Fine. Suits me.

Yee-hah, cowboy!

And keep your hands off Woody.

Do you know what? I envy you.

Do you?

I know you're going to say,
"You crazy bitch!"

but, in some ways, you're
actually doing better than I am.

You crazy bitch.

Your life's so uncomplicated.

Your job's simple, your lifestyle's

simple, your boyfriend's...

nice.

Yeah, he is, isn't he?

It's like we're an entity.

There's no Tim. There's no Kate.

We're just one thing called...

Tate.

Good job you're not
called Colin and Bunty!

Hi, Kate. Hey, Julie.

I didn't know you worked here.

How are you? Er, in love.
That's great.

I'm glad that you're over Tim.

I heard he went off
with whatshername - Emma? Scumbag.

Anyway, better cr*ck on.

Speak to you later. Bye, Julie.

Who was that? Julie.

All right, I haven't been
completely truthful with you.

Tim and I split up.

He moved out.
He left me for another woman.

What?

But the affair didn't last long.

And I forgave him.

And we moved on.

And I'm completely over it.

To be honest, I don't think about
the stupid little slut any more.

Geez, doll, how could you have
forgiven him?

If he'd done that to me,
he'd have been looking on eBay
for a new set of baby-makers.

He's learned his lesson.
He's a changed man.

Honestly, life's great.

His career's going
from strength to strength.

He's the new head of acquisitions.

He's responsible for all sorts
of international deals.

They talk about making him
a director.

They say if he keeps going like
this, he could be Chief Executive
within ten years.

His salary's well into
the six-figure bracket,

and they're talking about big
bonuses at the end of the year.

And he's great with kids.

Hello.

You know you've dropped
the harmonica, don't you?

What?

Hello, my little Eskimo.

Had a lovely day?

Just the usual,
whaling, seal-clubbing.

Sticking your rod in holes,
catching things?

I told Ruth everything.

What? That I'm not really...
No! You're not really what?

A man.

Oh, don't listen to him,
he's always doing that.

Any excuse to do Gina Man.
What's Gina Man?

I put me tackle between me legs,
and pretend I'm a woman.

You can't buy class.

That's nothing, I knew a woman

once who could do the opposite.

She used to get...
She doesn't want to know.

I told her about your affair.

And how I took you back.

Oh, right.

Sorry about that.

Still, you got a nice bunch
of flowers out of it!

Come on, sit down.

I have to say, I was shocked
when Kate told me what you did.

If there's one thing I know
Kate holds dear, it's honesty.

But it's clear that you two are
destined to be together.

I just wish I could
find my perfect mate.

Oh, come on. You never know when
Mr Right's just going to come
walking through the door.

Hey-up. How you all fettlin'?

Are we having a celebration?

Ruth, this is...

Lee. Yes. Lee.

Something tells me we're
going to need another glass.

If you're selling those
puppies, I'll have the one
with the big knockers.

Pink nose.

So, Lee, tell me a little bit
about you.

Well, I'm a real high flier.

Really? I say to people, "Hi, do you
want a flier?" Oh, you are a tease.

Aaahhhh! Don't touch me!

I hate being touched!
Get off, you poof!

You're such a character.

Prince Charming, are you like this
at home with your girlfriend?

Oh, Prince Charming
doesn't have a girlfriend.

He did have, once upon a time
and she was sweet
and lovely and a princess.

But he didn't realise how lucky he
was, so he left her for another one.

And she was horrible
and nasty and barely legal.

But she got bored with the Prince
and ran away and everybody
else lived happily ever after.

Well, I prefer the one about
the Prince And The Pauper.

The Pauper has to pretend
to be the Prince.

The Prince thinks that the Pauper is
trying to stick it in the Princess.

The Princess isn't helping,
by using the Pauper to have
a go at the silly old Prince.

And it's starting to do
the Pauper's swede in.

No wonder the Aussies are thinking
of getting rid of the Royal Family.

Do I detect a bit of tension?

Are you guys annoyed at not being
on your own for your anniversary?
What anniversary?

Seven years to the day
since Kate and Tim met.

Oh, yeah.
I know. Isn't that gorgeous?

I knew, from the first night
I saw them in bed together. Bed?

She made me do it.

I thought to myself here is a couple

who were made for each other.

And do you know what, and I bet
you're going to laugh at this.
All right, £ .

But from what Kate's said in
her emails, I thought it was
actually you that she fancied

cos it's all,
"Lee this, Lee that and Lee
the other." Isn't that ridiculous?

Can you imagine you two together?

Right, I've had enough of this.
I can't keep this up.

I'm not Lee. I'm Tim.

And it's not these two who should
be celebrating their anniversary.
It's me and Kate.

We were the couple
until I messed it up

and made the biggest mistake
of my life.

What are you on about, Lee?

I'm not Lee.

Tim?

I'm not Tim.

How could you lie to me
like that, Kate?

I'm not Kate.

Do you want Lee
to take you to the airport?

Why? Does he impersonate taxi
drivers as well as accountants?

I've said I was sorry. It was
so stupid. I'm completely joking.

Now that I've met Tim, I think
you're better off without him.

He's such a mummy's boy.

I mean, I don't mind blokes looking
at my tits, but not when they're
thinking about their calcium intake.

Oh, it was great to see you.

Your bags are in the taxi.

All of them, Happy, Grumpy,
Prada, Gucci.

Bye, cheeky.

Careful, you don't want
to damage your leafleting arm.

I wouldn't worry about that,
I've been sacked. Really?

Yeah, something in the small print
about not being able
to throw kids in canals.

So, what did you think of, er...?

Did you think we made a nice couple?

Yeah.

Well, I'm sad it's over. I'm really
going to miss these romantic chats.

What did you think about being my...?

It was all right. I mean,
you're not great in the bedroom,

but at least I've got Woody.

RECORDED MESSAGE: 'Oh, er, crikey.
If I washed it would you touch it?'

♪ We are not going out. ♪