01x04 - Stress

[bunniefuu]

How am I doing?
Gimme an S. S. Gimme an H.

All right, I got it. It's not
my fault. Your car's got hiccups.

Try giving it a big surprise.

Use your indicators.
That should do it. I'm never
going to pass my test, am I?

I don't know. You'll end up walking

it... A bit like your examiner

if he's got any sense.

Right. Try to slip her in there.

You're losing faith with my parking.

Why do you say that?

OK.

GEARS GRIND

No rush.
How long's left on that tax disc?

Get in there!

Please!

Well, he's not listening, is he?
You'll have to use the clutch(!)

Oh.

OK, here goes. Fingers crossed.

Should I still be in tenth? No.
Joking! I'm not an idiot.

♪ We're not going out
Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But no need to scream and shout
We're not going out

♪ We are not going out! ♪

You're still angry, aren't you?

No.

Are you sure? I'm absolutely fine.

It was either the coat or me. Not
fair. You didn't give me the choice.

Man, you need to seriously learn
to calm down.

Woman, you need to seriously learn

not to run over Labradors.

I didn't touch him. The owner
should have seen me coming.

It was a guide dog.

Not a very good one, is he? Not now.

It's not just my driving, is it?

You get stressed about everything.

No, I don't. You do.
It's like sharing a flat
with Becky Morgan on Boost Juice!

It's a caffeine drink from America.

Who's Becky Morgan? A friend.

Do you see why I didn't get that?

Anyway, I wouldn't mind, but I'm
the one that's meant to be stressed.

Publishing books for hippies? Zen Up
Your Vegan Tantric Love Crystals.

I'm less stressed because of my
lifestyle. What did you eat today?

Chicken and mushrooms.

All right, dried chicken and
mushrooms. All right, Pot Noodle!

What have you eaten? Nettles
or Trill? Something called fruit.

That probably doesn't mean much to
you, since you count green Smarties
as one of your five daily portions.

Why don't I teach you some yoga?
That'll help(!) Touching my toes!

Hello, Mr Optimist.
All right - knees.

Don't knock it till you've tried it.

I've never strangled a goose,

but I know it's not good. You have.

That was a duck! Pecking away
at my feet, they get on my nerves!

Why not try acupuncture?
Because I'm not stressed!

Everybody gets tense. Even you,
Buddha baps! Nothing stresses me.

What about Tim? Tim doesn't stress
me. He had a fling with a girl half
his age, but I'm totally over him.

I have creative visualisation.

I close my eyes, take a deep breath

and imagine he's dead.

Next time we're in the car,

visualise the brake pedal

and use it when blind people cross!

Next time? Give me one good reason
why you're getting back in that car?

It's MY car. I mean to teach me.

Fine, teach yourself.

And I'll relax. This does the trick.

Crap off, you twat!

Right! I'm going to the pub!
With Tim. Where's my phone?
Calm down, man.

Where's my phone? I'm not
telling you until you calm down.

Are you calm? Yes! Sure?

I'm perfectly fine. Where's
my phone? In your coat pocket.

If you're looking for that article on
speed reading, you've gone past it.

Somewhere in this magazine

there is an article - here it is -

that accurately ascertains clinical
stress levels with key questions.

What magazine is it? Nuts.

There you go.
Timothy, ask the questions.

"False or real. Which would you...?"

Wrong page.

Ah, here it is.

"Are you the kind of person
who jumps the g*n before weighing up
all the options?" No.

Hang on. It's multiple choice.

Sometimes, always or never?

I don't know.
Sometimes always, sometimes never.

It's going to be a long evening.

Number . This one's interesting.
"What's your daily intake
of coffee or tea?

"Between and ..." Eight cups.
Eight cups a day?!

Eight cups between and .

That's one of the options.
Between and , More than , None?

. cups a day?
How do you sleep at night?

Easily. It's fair trade.

OK, Question . Close your eyes.

Right. Open them.

OK, Question ...

"The waitress in Pizza Hut forgets

to put extra pineapple on your pizza,

even though you asked her."

That's not a real question.

"Do you... A - politely point out

her mistake like any normal person?"

This was over four years ago.

"Or B - throw your drink on the
floor, shout, 'How hard is it to put
pineapple on a pizza, you dozy cow?'

"and get you and your friend
thrown out?"

Why this sudden interest in stress?

I've been teaching Kate to learn

to drive. What do you mean?

Kate's learning to drive
and I'm teaching her. That's
the same words in a different order.

Was that a problem?

No, I'm just wondering why she

didn't go to a driving instructor.

She wanted someone she knew
and trusted. I know how she feels.

How long have we been best mates?
Neither of us would do anything
to compromise our friendship.

Or B - sorry,
I've been shagging your mum.

Why didn't she ask me?

Maybe she thought you were teaching

Emma to drive without stabilisers!

She was !

Anyway, I'm not doing it any more.
Days of me sticking my face against
the glass and screaming are over!

I'm starting to look like Garfield.

Sounds like she needs a calming
influence. Someone like me.

I might offer my services.
It's probably a good idea.

You want to teach her,
she wishes you were dead. k*ll
two birds with one stone. Cheers!

I spat in that.

DEEP BREATHING

DEEP BREATHING

Aaah! Tssss!

Kate? Kate? Where are you?
I'm ready, Kate. Kate?

Oh, how do I think of them?
How or why?

Could be worse. I could have done
the bottle opener gag.

Oh, must be an occasional table.

Right. Stand like this.
Let's start with some breathing.
In... Out...

In... Out...

Can we write this down? I'm teaching

you yoga. Writing's tomorrow.

OK, add noise on the out breath.

From your centre. In...

Out... Uuugh. In...

Out... Uuugh.
Shake it all about. Uuugh!

Do the Hokey Cokey and turn around.

Uuuugh.

"I love coming to Butlin's.
Uuuugh!

"Has anyone seen my chalet key?
Uuuugh!"

Right. Forget the breathing thing.

Good idea.

For about three days. Copy me.

If you're going to dive
in that glass, fill it up first.

Want to know the secret
to successful yoga?
Get yourself filleted?

Mudras. Udiana. Mula Bhanda.
Don't forget the chapattis.

Sorry, Yogi. Allow me to explain
in simple terms, Boo-Boo.

You need to activate your perineum.

Me what?

I want you to squeeze in your anus.

I'm never gonna fit in there!

Contract the muscles
of your sphincter very tightly.

Have you done it? I can't!

Imagine Anne Robinson naked.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

I'm like a camel in a sandstorm.

OK, sun citation.

Up and... look at your belly button.

Hands forward.

And downward dog.

Try asking nicely, bitch.

And upward dog. OK?

Let's just take it to there.

When you lower your head towards
the ground, only go as far as
feels comfortable. OK, now what?

OK, ready? Let's do this!

Up... and look at your belly button.

Hands forwards.

Downward dog and upward dog!

How's that? It wasn't as bad
as I thought, actually.

You're in a room,
a large, empty, white room.

There's nothing in there.

None of the stresses of everyday
life. How are you feeling?

Quite relaxed, actually.

Good. Let's concentrate
on that empty space.

In the middle of the room
there's a candle on the floor.
Nothing else, just a candle.

And a saucer.

Just a candle.

Won't the wax drip
all over the floor?

It's fine. Just picture the candle.

It seems so small, so insignificant
in this large, empty, white room.

What about a glass jar? Just...
All right! A candle on a saucer!

And it's burning brightly. I presume

there's a fire extinguisher.

No fire extinguisher.
I preferred it with no candle.

It's fine, relax.

That's what my nan said

before she burnt our house down. We

lived in a caravan for six months!

Living on the outskirts

of Accrington in a little caravan...

Kate? Hello. Can I make

an acupuncture appointment, please?

Is this gonna hurt? Depends if

I like you or not. It'll be fine!

Just lie back, close your eyes
and pretend you're on a beach. Ow!

It's Brighton beach.

Everything will be fine
if you just relax.

I've had very famous people here.

Really? Years ago, that wrestler

Giant Haystacks was here.

It was awful. I couldn't find
any of the needles afterwards!

I always tell that one. It's good.

Didn't think it was as good

as Brighton. I did.

Right. I just need to ask you
a few routine questions.

After this session, do you intend
to operate heavy machinery?

My kettle. Does that count?
..Do you have
a history of heart disease?

Yes. Heart disease was discovered
in by a Dr Heinsecker.

It's quite good, that one.

Actually, yeah.

And, finally,
are you pregnant at the moment?

Silly question!

Are you? Silly question.

No, I'm not. Of course not.
That's why it's a silly question.

Someone would... OW!

What did you do that for?
There are three yin and yang lines.

By stimulating certain points, we
readjust the meridian system. Right.

But you were just getting
on my nerves. Only joking!

Where are you going with that,
Jocky Wilson? That's a darts
comment. I don't mean you're...

It's only there and...
I like your shoes. OW!

One hundred and eighty!

Right, remember.

Mirror.

Signal. "I missed you, Kate."

Manoeuvre.

Blackcurrant Blitz?!

Kate. Tim.

You well? Yeah. You? Fine.

Been working hard? Yeah. You?

Yeah. Pretty hard.

Shaved off your designer stubble.

Yeah. You? What?

I can't believe I agreed to do this.

It's understandable to want to learn

from someone you know and trust.

One out of two ain't bad.
Ding, ding. Round One.

OK, let's just put the brakes on
the relationship conversation

and take the brake off the car.

OK. Let the old lady get out the way
and try to keep her under .

Don't talk about the relationship.
She was !

Do you smell Ribena? Just drive!

CRASH!

How are you feeling?

Like I'm making a p*rn version
of Hellraiser.

I'm not feeling any less stressed.
Some people don't feel it
until the third or fourth week.

I can't keep them in for that long.

People will think I've been giving

blow jobs to porcupines.

Does this work? Of course. It's
been around for thousands of years.

So has Christmas, syphilis
and France and I don't like them!
My husband's French.

I won't ask what he gave you
at Christmas.

Be honest. Isn't it a con?

How can it be good for stress?
Like strangling someone
with breathing problems.

You don't have breathing problems?
No. Shame.

Acupuncture's scientifically proven.

It's not a con. It is. No, it's not!

OW! Listen,

can I tell you a story?

When I was a kid, I saw a magician.
His mistake was he never told us
clever kids that it was all a sham.

He should have got us to one side
and said, "The budgie hasn't
disappeared. He's under the..."

I don't quite know how he did it,
but he should have told the truth.

Then I wouldn't have been rooting
through his van looking for clues,

and he wouldn't have done six months

for abduction! "Tell him the truth,

Lee!" The tables had turned!

I think you need to see a doctor.

What? You might need medication.

You're so uptight and stressed.

I'm not stressed! I don't need
tablets. In fact, why don't you
get the biggest needle you've got

and shove it where the stress
don't shine? Cos I am not uptight!

AH!

OK, right. Break over. Let's try
some parking. There's a space.

Who's supposed to fit in there?!
You.

Me? Thank God.
I thought you meant the car, too.

I do. Don't you like your car

the way it is?

Kate, if there's one thing the last
few months has taught me, it's...

loved ones' feelings
I have to worry about, not cars.

Not on the dash... OK, madam...

if you'd like to crawl back slowly
up to the kerb.

Yes! Who's the kerb crawler?

That sort of thing
never really caught on in Henley.

With a calming influence around,

I knew you'd be fine. Lee's not so

bad. At least he's making an effort.

He may turn out to be a laidback,
devil-may-care, laissez-faire,
chilled-out kind of guy.

How was today, Nigel Mansell?
My driving's not that good.

I was talking about
your personality.

It's going great.
I've got her to stop saying words
like gas, stick shift and trunk.

Get her on the left side of the road

and I've cracked it!

I'm joking.

She will pass, no problem. Especially

with a less stressed mentor.

It wasn't just you, was it?

You took the lid off the pickle jar,

but I loosened it.

No, you didn't. You were twisting it
the wrong way, making it tighter.

I'd to wrap a tea towel round her
and trap her head in the doorway.

Just keeping the pickle jar analogy
going. Anyway, why does it
bother you so much?

It doesn't bother me that you get
on with Kate. It bothers me that
people keep calling me stressed!

I could become
the thing I'm accused of!

You're quite intelligent. Thank you.
You're quite intelligent.
..No, it's not working.

So what are you trying next?
You've done yoga and acupuncture.

You've bent over backwards, but
haven't hit the nail on the head.

You won't think less of me?
Impossible.

I hope they're not what I think they

are. What do you think they are?

Prescribed tranquillisers from a GP.

Enough street talk, homey!

Don't look at me like that. What?
Like I'm nipping out for cocaine
and need your credit card.

I'm sure you'd have to pay cash.
You've led a sheltered life.

Give me one reason why you'd risk

being addicted to tranquillisers.

How long have I known you? years.

There you go. Need another one?

It's not a joke. They're one of

the most harmful dr*gs in society.

There must be something you haven't

tried. There's massage.

Kate said she could try that on me.

A couple of pills won't k*ll you.

Exactly.

Good health. Just make sure
you don't take too many.

Tim, I'm not an idiot.

Hello! Hi. Are you going out?

I've just come in.
Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. Are you sure?

Yeah, I've just had a cup.

You look... haunted.

Thanks.

It's not a compliment. So I guess
that acupuncture is a little
stronger than you anticipated.

Yeah. Knocked me out.

Or did I knock her out?
I can't remember now.

You certainly look calmer.

Maybe I should go. I'm getting

a little edgy about my theory test.

Will you quiz me? OK.

Which of these signs
means restricted access?

I need to see them.

Come on, Kate. Go with the flow.
Have a guess.

The first one? Yes.

Ace!

There's a tractor ahead. You wish to
overtake, but is it safe to do so?

You should... Yes! What?
That's what it says.

There's a tractor ahead. You wish to
overtake, but is it safe to do so?

You should.

Isn't there a question mark
followed by four options?

Kate, I was wondering...

Kate? I was wondering...

if you fancied going to Tai Chi
lessons with me on Friday?

Wow! Step back, repulse monkey!
Is that a no?

That's a yes. It's a date.

Well, not a date. Just thought
it might be nice to see me try to
enter the dragon... That's worse!

Tai Chi it is. Cool.

Also I was wondering...

can I get back in the car with you?

Only if you behave yourself.

Come on, Kate. I'm not a kid.

Are we nearly there yet?

Watch your speed. Don't listen

to him. I think you're doing great.

Just remember -
location, location, location.

Are you sure this was a good idea?

It's fine. And I'm not going

that fast. It's nowhere near the F.

That's the petrol gauge.

You don't want pulled over
by the police.

True. I've seen Cell Block H. I know
what happens to pretty girls.

Kate, relax. No one's forcing anyone

to have lesbian sex.

I need a lie-down.

We don't need the central locking on.

Why? You always do. Only in rough

areas. This is the countryside.

We won't be car-jacked
by the Badger Massive.

I hope he's all right back there.
It's not like Lee to stay quiet when
he's heard "badger" and "massive".

This reminds me
of that wonderful trip to Florence.

Our first romantic holiday. Poof!

Yeah. It was nice, wasn't it?
Yeah, just me and you.

And your mum. Well, those packed
lunches don't make themselves.

Remember those lovely walks
in the Tuscan hills? Hand in hand.

The smell of lavender.
She was only with us for a week.

Listen, Kate, I was wondering...

Have you any plans for next Friday?

Actually, we're doing Tai Chi.

We? Me and Lee.

Oh, I see. "Me and Lee".
Me and Lee are going driving.
Me and Lee are doing yoga.

Soon me and Lee will be
rolling around in bed together!

Can I go on top? He pops a couple
of pills and everything's all right!

Gonna use Rohypnol on me? Pills?!

ENGINE ROARS

Just little ones. I say little -

they're harder to swallow

than OJ Simpson's version of events.

Slow down. Slow down?

Did you know about this?

Oh, here we go.
Lee takes dr*gs, it's Tim's fault.

Kate drives too fast, it's Tim's
fault. Tim has an affair...
Kate drives too fast.

Oh, so the affair was MY fault?
Maybe you should slow down a bit.
Shut up, you!

If I could change things, I would.

The speed she's going,

if we were in a De Lorean, we could!

I am not the one who went out

with a girl so young she had to lie

about her age to see Finding Nemo!

She was ! Excuse me?
BOTH: What?!

Can I just say in a calm, relaxed
sort of way... tractor?

Look out!

And... handbrake on.

Hello. Well?

Come on. Did you pass or not?

Examiner took ages to give me the
result, analysed the whole test.

Go on. Said it was great
the way I'd slowed down
through both sets of red lights.

And? And he said a three-point turn

refers to the amount of manoeuvres,

not the points on my licence.

Just tell me.

♪ Da-da-da-ra-ra!

♪ Go, Kate! Go, Kate!
It's your birthday! ♪

Tsssss!

Come on. Did you pass or not?

Have you been taking those pills
again? No, I took them back
to the doctor's, like you said.

I apologised to the acupuncturist
and got a free session. How'd it go?

Well, you could have laughed.

It took me eight hours to make this.

♪ We are not going out! ♪