02x03 - Librarian

[bunniefuu]

Morning. You looked a lot different
under disco lighting.

Sorry.
I presume all this is Lucy's stuff.

Yeah, it's fine.
Mine's the stuff on the left.

Actually, could I use these,
or were you going to have them?

No, that's fine, I don't
want to fill myself up.

I'm having milk on toast later.

Sorry about all the noise
last night.

That's all right. What's the
point of having bed springs if
you're just going to lie there?

No, I meant us getting back late.

Oh. Actually, sorry about
the bedroom noise as well.

Lucy and I do like
to vocalise a little.

You know the type of thing.
I hope I didn't wake you.

And what does she say to you?

Oh, I didn't know you were up.

That's cleared up
the last question.

♪ Yeah, not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We are not going out

♪ We are NOT going out. ♪

Sorry!

Have you two thought of putting name
tags in your clothes, by the way?

Let me make you both a coffee. Lee?

No, it's all right. I'll make it.
I live here. You're a guest.

Honestly, I insist. Luce?

Lovely.
I could do with the caffeine.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

You heard all that noise
as well, did you?

How do you take it?
Judging by last night's racket,
I reckon I could answer that.

I thought I'd cook breakfast
as an apology.

I'm afraid I've got to cancel
our dinner date tomorrow night.

Oh, no! Sorry, I forgot I had
an accounts meeting with Ronny.

- Don't worry, you'll soon forgive
- me after you've tasted my Mushrooms A La Provencal.

Where's the olive oil?
In the bedroom.

Oh, yeah.

Just because he knows how to treat
a lady. Yeah, or baste her.

What's your beef with him? He seems
a decent sort of chap. Have you
been watching Dam Busters again?

It's just the things he does.
It annoys me. Like what?

Offers me coffee.

Bring back hanging,
that's what I say.

It's my flat and my coffee.

- It's not your flat. It's probably
- not your coffee either.

It's my milk and my baked beans.

You must let me give
you my recipe for coffee.

The point is,
you don't offer somebody
coffee in their own home. Why not?

If a meter reader said,
"I'll just pop the kettle on,"
you wouldn't say anything?

I'd say, "I know your game, mate.
You're trying to bump up
the readings."

Anyway, it's not just the coffee.
It's everything. Like what?

He washes up. So?

He's showing off.
No-one needs to wash up.
We've got a dishwasher.

No, you haven't.

Haven't we?

You're seeing your sister tomorrow.
Have a word, will you?

Tomorrow might not be the best time.

Why? I'm introducing her to Rosie.
Is that a euphemism?

Sorry?

You know, like taking Aunt Flossie
to the backpackers'.

What does that mean?
I dunno, I just made it up.

So who's Rosie? She's a girl I met.

She works as a library supervisor
in Welwyn Garden City.

Wow, you're running with a
pretty fast crowd these days.

So what's she like? Is she fit?

She is actually.
She's got an amazing body. What
kind of amazing? How do you mean?

You know... perfect,
or "Roll up, roll up!"

Look, do me a favour. When I
come round tomorrow with Rosie,
can you not... you know? What?

Be in.

Get lost, I want to meet the
wild librarian from the wrong side
of the tracks.

All right, if I agree to talk
to Lucy about Guy,

will you promise not to say anything
inappropriate in front of Rosie?

Like what?

Please don't blow this for me.

I promise, I would
never say that to a woman.

Actually my library's quite
exciting. There's audiotapes,
displays about local history,

old newspapers kept on microfiche
dating to back to the th century!

Wow, and I thought BOOKS
were boring.

I mean, wow,
and I thought books were BORING.

Plus Rosie gets to use the Dewey

Decimal Book Categorisation Protocol,

arguably the greatest achievement
in database archiving systems
of the pre-computer era.

It sounded exciting when you said it.

Sandwich, Rosie?

Let's keep all the ham together.

So Rosie, I hope you
don't mind me asking...

..what exactly are your
intentions towards our Timothy?

He's had his heart broken
once already when we
had to sh**t his pony.

It's his mother's fault, she
forgot to buy a Christmas turkey.

So, Lucy, I understand Guy's been
round the flat rather a lot lately.

Is Guy your boyfriend? At his age I
think he prefers gentleman caller.

Oh, he's older, is he?

I think older men can be
so rewarding.

Tim, where did you find such an
intelligent and enlightened girl?

I shop carefully.

I picked her out from the others and
delicately placed her in my basket.
I don't mean she was on the shelf.

And I didn't pay for her.

So what do you think of your sister
going out with an older man, Tim?

I think it's great.
He's a lovely chap.

Anyway, never mind all that,

it's about time we had a chat
with you two young lovebirds

about rubber johnnies.

ICE-CREAM VAN PLAYS
"Greensleeves"

MUSIC DIES

SHE SINGS TO HERSELF

You're working late.
Dust never sleeps.

Where's Lucy? She's not in.

Where is she? She's out.

I love these special
moments we have.

She's probably with that
lovely gentlemen friend of hers.

He's got a touch of the
James Bonds, don't you think?
And she's his Fanny Galore.

It's p*ssy Galore.

Innuendo's meant to keep
us guessing, not paint
a horrific picture.

And tell me this, would you
think Guy was so great

if he was ogling
your breasts and shoving
£ notes in your knickers?

I've had my breasts ogled for less.

Why would he do that anyway?

I've just seen
double 'O' seventy going
into a lap-dancing club.

So, what's wrong with that?
I've been to one.

Have you? Yeah,

it's just a bit of good clean...

adult entertainment.

There's two words I'd never
have associated with you.

I'm not as square as I look.
I mean "good clean".

I went with my ex-husband.
A lot of wives do. Do they?

Yeah. Gets them in the mood... and
it's less bother than having a wax.

Derek was randy as a goat.
I could hardly sit down to polish
the granite steps the next day.

Anyway, why are you so concerned?

He's lying. He told Lucy he had
an accounts meeting tonight.

If I were you, I'd get your facts

right before you go accusing people.
Get back there and talk to him.

I can't go to a place like that

on my own. I'd join you, but you
don't want to get me in the mood.

I've got steps to wash tomorrow.

MUSIC PLAYS

I can't believe you convinced me
to do this.

No, thank you. Please just...
go about your business.

This is like the easiest game of

Where's Wally I've ever played.

Try to act like you've been
to one of these places before.

- What would you boys like?
- Do you do milkshakes? Two lagers.

Well, well, well, look who it is.

Sat there as smooth as an otter
in a car wash. Let's see him
wriggle out of this one.

Lee! Tim! This is a surprise.
I wasn't expecting to see you two.

Would you like a drink?

We're not stopping.

Well, maybe just a half.

So what happened to your
accounts meeting with Ronny?

Just finished it actually.
This is Ronny.

Oh, yeah? And who's that, Reggie?

What does Lucy think about you
coming here? I've never discussed it
with her.

I bet you haven't.
Maybe we can tell her for you.

Keep her abreast of the situation,
since we're such bosom buddies.

Yeah, you crafty...

tit.

Tell her now if you like.

What are you doing here? Have
you been talking to our cleaner?

Sorry? You know, about not being
able to sit on granite steps.

Guy asked me to come along to
meet his business partner Ronny.

Guy's one of the owners of
this club. Didn't you know?

No. I'm a bit surprised
to see you two here.

You know these girls are strictly
cash, Lee. They don't accept wafers.

- Anyway, I've got an early start, so I'll leave you boys to have fun.
- It's not what you think.

Really? Yeah, we've just always been
interested in the national dances
of Lapland and Poland.

See you tomorrow.
Bye, sweetheart.

I think I might
use the facilities.

The loo, not the...

I'll, er...

Well, that went well.
Where are we off to now?

To tell Aled Jones's mum we
think he might be a glue sniffer?

How was I to know he...?

Can we please just finish
these drinks and get out of here?

Yeah, it's an awful place, innit?

I don't know why
these blokes come here.

Blimey. You wouldn't let HER
meet your mother, would you?

I'd be more worried
about my dad meeting her.

Rosie?

What are you two doing here?

Never mind that. What are you two
doing here?

Did Lucy see them... you?

No. I haven't seen anyone.
I've literally just walked in.

Well, not literally obviously.
I got changed into my
gear once I was here.

The uniform policy seems
pretty relaxed.

Can I help you?

Have you got a book on
Fly Fishing by JR Hartley?

So come on, why where you
really at the club tonight?

To be honest, we were checking the
place out because Tim said that
one day he might want a stag do

and we thought... Don't lie.

If Tim had a stag do, he'd
have it at the same place

he has his birthday bashes.

In the corner of McDonalds
with Ronald doing his tricks.

I saw Guy go into the club
and I was checking him out.

I wanted to make sure
he wasn't messing you about.

- I don't know whether to be angry
- or touched.

Well, you can be like that
blonde lap-dancer I got
chatting to and be both.

You don't like him, do you? Come on,
I won't take it personally.

He's such a smoothie.

He is, isn't he?
Smoothie's not a good thing.

Fruit smoothies are.

Well, he's more
like a meat smoothie.

What do you see in him?

He's successful, and charming
and experienced.

Well, that's one word for it.

What's that supposed to mean? Well,
it won't be that long before he's
in an "experienced" people's home.

Getting charity hand-outs
from Help The Experienced.

I think he looks
very good for his age.

Yeah. Almost lifelike.

Well, you'd better get used to his
lifelike face, because he's asked

to move in on a more permanent basis
and I'm considering it. Oh, great!

So I've got to put up with
seeing his old knackers flapping
about in the wind every day!

If I wanted to see old people naked,
I'd watch Debbie Does Eastbourne.

Just because he's comfortable
in his own skin.

Well, when you've been
in anything long enough,
I suppose it gets comfortable.

This has nothing to do with Guy's
age. This is about spying on
someone who's done nothing wrong.

Apart from owning a seedy little
strip joint. It's called a
gentlemen's club. Is that right?

"Madam, forgive me for being
so bold,

"but for satisfactory recompense,
will you get your tits out?"

Anyway you wouldn't be
so blase if you knew the type
of women he was employing.

What does that mean?

Nothing. I've been sworn to secrecy.

It involves Tim and I don't want

to embarrass him.

Well, come on. Tim's my big brother.
There's nothing you could say that

would make me think less of him.

You idiot!

So have you seen her since?
Of course. We went back to mine
and we talked about it.

- You're allowed to take them home, are you? I thought she might be
- like the reference section.

You know, browsing only.

Please tell me you're not
going to be seeing more of her.
If that's possible.

Of course I am. Oh, Tim. What?

What do you think Mum and Dad will
say? I don't care. Yes, you do.

You dumped one girl because Dad

thought she looked a bit French.

I'm not scared of Dad. I'll look him
in the eye and tell him the truth.

This is Rosie, she works in a...
library.

Oh, so the library thing's real,

is it? I thought that was
just part of the facade.

She's not an undercover agent.

Oh, yeah. Are you sure
she's not "under covers".
I beg your pardon?!

Well, sometimes jobs like
lap-dancing lead to other offers.

Oh, Tim, don't be so naive.
I'm not the naive one.

Just because a woman is paid
to perform exotic dancing

doesn't mean she's the type
of person who would be happy

to accept money to be a spy.

Oh!

Don't worry! I know a trick for
when you've spilt white wine.

Pour red wine all over it.

It's the other way round, isn't it?

- Have you been crying?
- Course she has. That's why women

Wear make-up in the first place,
to let men know when they're upset.

What's happened?
Nothing. Oh, come on.

Last time I saw eyes that red, it
was on an anti-vivisection leaflet.

The rabbit's hair was a bit tidier
as well, to be honest.

Although to be fair
it had just been shampooed.

I'll deal with this.

Come on,
talk to your Auntie Barbara.

I always know the right thing
to say at times like this.

I understand.

You just want to be around
people you know and love.

I'm surprised you're
not with your boyfriend.

Well?

I've had a massive argument
with Guy.

What about? About us.

Why? Does he think there's
something going on between us?

Not US. Me and Guy.

Oh.

After you told me about Rosie,
I've been feeling a bit uneasy

about the whole lap-dancing thing.

I talked to Guy about it and it got
a bit out of hand.

I said a few things I regret.

Anyway, he felt I was questioning
him and our relationship

and he suggested we have a bit
of time apart.

Maybe you've got a point.
Maybe he was too old for me.
Maybe he was too smooth.

Maybe he did look like
a well-polished scrotum.

Be fair, I never actually said...
I heard you on the phone. Right.

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS AGAIN

OK, what's up?

God, remind me never to leave you
alone with my asthmatic granddad.

I'm starting to think Guy and Lucy
splitting up is my fault.
Why, what did you do?

Nothing major.

Apart from suggesting he was
a pimp and she was a necrophiliac.

Anyway, whatever. I've
got my own relationship problems.
I've split up with Rosie.

I thought you'd talked things
through. I did, but Lucy
made me see sense.

Oh, great! So now I've got
to feel doubly guilty. How do you
think that makes me feel?

Unbelievable.

So you used my girlfriend as a way
of getting Lucy and Guy to split up,

which led to us splitting up,

and you want to how I think that
makes YOU feel? Don't start twisting
this round by using... facts.

Come on, Tim, let's go back
to the club. We've both
got some making up to do.

No, Lucy's right,
I can't go out with a lap-dancer.

Tim, Rosie's a really nice girl.

It doesn't matter what she does
for a living.

I'm sure she's got her opinions

on someone working at the
Municipal Accounts Department
of Frewisham Borough Council.

What matters is she's nice,
she's intelligent,

and she's a beautiful person and

that's why you should be together.

All right, come on mate,
what have you done with Lee?

I'll tell you something else
as well, do you know
what's really important?

What? She's got really,

really fantastic tits.

And there he is.

Oh, Lee.

We can't keep you away, can we?
Must get better bouncers.

Can we have a chat?
Do you want a drink?

Just a Coke,
I'm in the ice-cream van.

- It's a bit hypocritical having a sign saying Mind That Child
- when I'm driving around pissed.

- Well, that's what the magistrate
- said, anyway.

Hi, Rosie.

What do you want?
I was hoping we could have a chat.

I think you made yourself very
clear the other day.

But thanks for saying I can keep
your To The Manor Born videos.

Nice touch.

Can you at least give me five minutes
to explain? No, I can't. I'm working.

Well, in that case,
I'd like a dance then please.

Are you sure Lucy would approve?

I don't care what my little sister
thinks. I make my own decisions.
I'm a -year-old man, not a child.

How much is it?

£ .

Sorry to hear about you
and Lucy. Were you?

I was getting the impression
you didn't want me
hanging round the flat.

No, I like you being there.

Hanging.

I thought maybe you were
uncomfortable with the age gap.

Oh, there's an age gap, is there?

Please don't butter me up, Lee.

It's not a compliment.
She looks really, really old.

Look, why don't you go and see her,
patch things up?

I think she's made it quite clear
how she feels about me. I feel
partly responsible about that.

I may have...

questioned this place.

And your age.

But I said some nice things as well.
Really?

Yeah, I said you looked like
the kind of bloke that could

weather a storm.

All right, I said your
fake tan looks like Ronseal.

But it doesn't matter
what I think, does it?

What matters is she said some
things she regrets.
She's very upset, you know.

And...
you two make a great couple.

And I'll tell you
something else, as well,
do you know what's really important?

What? She's got really, really
fantastic... Actually it doesn't

seem appropriate this time.

So what is it
you wanted to say to me?

I wanted you to know
I've been feeling bad about
what I said on the phone.

And I wanted to apologise
to you, you know...

face to face.

OK, you've apologised.
You can go after the dance.
Well, it's not just to apologise.

I want you to know
I regret what I said.

I want to see more of you, Rosie.

Well, it's not gonna happen.

It's never gonna work, Tim.
You can't accept me for what I am.

I'm sorry, but the answer's no.
I mean it.

I know you probably think
this is just me playing hard to get.

But we both know it's true.

I've been stupid.

I had my head in the clouds,
pretending I was a character in
some Charlotte Bronte novel.

Well, maybe I'm not Jayne Eyre...

..and maybe you're not
my Mr Rochester after all.

You see that's why I like you, Rosie.

You're like me...

just a hopeless romantic.

Tim, you're a nice guy.

But come on, be honest,

you and me isn't going to work.

You're probably right.
I'm sorry, though,
for the way I dealt with it.

That's OK.

Sorry about the mess.
It's all right.

And I'm sorry I've
drunk all the wine.

It's not a problem. Honestly.

♪ You're beautiful... ♪

SWITCHES MUSIC OFF

You've got to draw the line
somewhere.

I can't believe we've split up.
I was starting to think we'd be
together till death do us part.

Not that long then.

Sorry, it's like an illness.

The jokes, not old age.

This is ridiculous.

We hadn't been together that
long, but I still feel awful.

I don't know what to do.

What would you do? All you can do
each night is pray.

Hoping that he'll be a part of you
again someday.

Oh, I dunno, I'm rubbish
at this stuff.

So you've not heard from him? No.

And what if he did,
you know, get in touch?

It wouldn't make any difference.
I think sometimes things are
said that can't be unsaid.

If he did get in touch
I'd do what any dignified woman
would do in this situation.

Smile politely and say,

"I'm sorry, Guy, but it's over."

You're up late.

Couldn't sleep.

I'm just sitting here,
thinking about stuff.

What sort of stuff?

Oh, you know. Why are we here?

Where are we headed?

Why didn't I buy a sat-nav?

What about you?

I need a wazz.
Oh, you can't buy class.

Don't forget to flush.

Thanks. For what?

For talking to Guy. And I want you
to know that just because
we're back together

it doesn't mean he'll be moving in.

In fact, we realised we had been
rushing things and we've
decided to slow it down a bit.

And we'll try and be
a bit more considerate.

Especially with the...
bedroom noise.

It's all right.
It's not your fault you're a moaner.

He'll get the hang of it eventually.

Coffee, Lee? No.