02x08 - m*rder at Christmas

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

This programme contains some strong
language.

Happy Christmas!

So, are you not having
an office party this year?

I'm self-employed and
I don't have any staff.

Well, you could always
get drunk on your own,

touch yourself up
in the stationary cupboard.

Oh, lovely. How very festive.

All right, touch
yourself up in a pear tree.

What are you doing for Christmas?

Back home with the family.

Turkey. Stuffing. Mince pies.

Yeah, my brothers have got
weird names, haven't they?

I suppose you're off
to Mummy and Daddy's.

I'm not actually.

They're going skiing,
so I'm staying here.

- On your own?
- Yeah. I'll be fine.

Tim and Daisy coming
over for Christmas dinner.

Well, let's hope Daisy
gets the date right.

She's not that bad.

I don't know.
It's a fine line as to whether
Tim's her boyfriend or her carer.

Three words. Gift, horse, mouth.

You've got some wrapping
paper stuck in your teeth?

Think about it. Tim and Daisy will
only be here for Christmas Day.

The rest of the time Lucy will be
spending Christmas alone...

..without any company...

Lonely.

If she rings you feeling suicidal,

let me do the talking, yeah?

You've been waiting
for an opportunity.

And there's no time like
the Christmas present.

Christmas present!

That was quite clever, wasn't it?

I can't just ask to
spend Christmas with her.

Well, get her to invite you, then.

How?

I don't know.
Appeal to her sense of charity.

Tell her if you don't spend
Christmas here, you'll have
to spend it in... Oh, you know,

that poor place that you're from...

Oh! You know...

The North? That's it.

What's up with you?

Just not looking forward
to spending Christmas with
my step-dad, that's all. Why?

He just never makes me feel welcome.

He'll come in the room with the
telephone and say, "It's for you."

And when I take it,
it's National Rail Enquiries.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, he's not a bad man,
I suppose, just a bit old-fashioned.

When my sister
had her menstrual cycle,

he made her live in the shed,
claiming she was a witch.

That's funny, I never
knew you had a sister.

Ah, I don't like to talk about her.

She drowned years ago.

Is that right?

Yeah, but like my step-Dad said -
look on the bright side.

If she'd have floated, he'd have
had to set fire to her anyway.

Well, I suppose you could
always stay here for Christmas. OK.

Might be laugh,
just the two of us.

PHONE RINGS, ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

'Hello, darling, it's Dad.
A change of plan,
skiing's been cancelled.

'No snow, bloody global warming.
I thought that was only supposed
to happen in YOUR lifetime.

'So we'll arrive Christmas Eve
and stay till Boxing Day.

'Don't worrying about the sleeping

arrangements, we'll have your bed,

you on the sofa.

'Anyway, listen to me going on
and on. How are you, sweetheart?

'Oh, sorry, is this the bloody
machine? I didn't realise. Bye.'

Where are you going?

To spend Christmas
with your step-dad.

BAUBLE SMASHES

Don't worry, she probably
jumped before she was pushed.

Hey! How's my favourite cleaner?

Still got the flu.
I had to get Barbara.

Have you got any plans
this Christmas?

Nothing much, just me and the cat.

I didn't know you had a cat. I don't,

I just lure one in
at Christmas for company.

Sorry about the...

Oh, don't be silly.

Before I only had one fairy,
now I've got...

lots of little tiny ones.

What do you want?

I've got a favour to ask.

Go on. But you've got to promise
not to say no straight away.

OK.

I want you to work Christmas Day.

f*ck off.

Well, I wasn't
allowed to say no, was I?

Please, I can't do Christmas dinner
for six people without help.

What about him?

I need someone who realises
that the fridge isn't just
a place to put magnets.

Come on,
there's a lot of pressure being
Daddy's favourite little girl.

I thought that was Tim.

I'll be expected to be the
perfect host, the perfect cook
and the perfect housewife.

Imagine Nigella Lawson
with three pairs of hands.

And I'm back.

Go on. I'll pay you a hundred quid.

Deal? OK. Deal.

Oh, sorry. It's supposed
to be my own hand, isn't it?

I don't know why you're so
miserable.

Having the parents
here is perfect for you.

Why? Lucy obviously
cares what they think.

Impress them and you've cracked it.

And not only that, I'm now going to
be spending Christmas with you too.

Who's a lucky little fella?

The cat?

Sorry we're late.

Your dad spotted a market stall
sign with a misplaced apostrophe.

We had to spend eight minutes
remonstrating before they conceded

that the bananas were not actually
in possession of pence each.

Sorry, this is Lee.

Ah, yes.
We've heard so much about you.

Not all bad, I hope.

Yes, it's nice to finally
put a face to the incidents.

Ooh!
Are you shaking it or juicing it?

The Beverly Sisters. Are you a fan?

Not really. Reminds me of a
traumatic childhood incident.

It wasn't Mummy kissing Santa,
it was Daddy.

I'll, er... get some tea.

I'll help you. I want you to tell
me all about your break-up with
this Guy fellow, warts and all.

I'm not suggesting
he gave you anything.

Yeah, all right, Mum.

Yes, this Guy chap.
I never had a chance to meet him.

Oh. He wasn't right for her. No?

Big age gap. years.

I know. Shocking, isn't it?

That's the same age gap as
between me and Lucy's mother.

That's what I mean.
It's shocking, isn't it?

The way... society
judges these things.

What is age?
It's just a number, isn't it?

How can you have
a problem with a number?

It's like saying, "Ooh, I hate ."

I'm partial to an older person
myself. Is that right? Oh, yeah.

Helen Mirren,

Judi Dench,

Thora Hird.

I've got a rule -
if she's a dame, I'm game.

Thora Hird?

You know, at least on the
wedding night I wouldn't have
to carry her up the stairs.

Bloody hell.
Emu's not looking good, is he?

So, how's it going
impressing the future in-laws?

Does the phrase "scratched record"
mean anything to you?

Oh, you found it, then?

Why do you find it so hard
to talk about Lucy?

I don't. OK. Go on, then,
tell me how you feel about her.

All right. I... like her.

No. You like coffee,
you like biscuits.

You like me.

Put the Kn*fe down, let's
talk about this properly.

If you can't admit it to me, how
will you admit it to her?

All right. I find her
very attractive, OK. Happy?

Who do you find very attractive?

Is she a dame?

Does she use a stair-lift?

Come on, tell us - who's the lucky
lady that you find so irresistible?

Your...

..wife.

My wife? My mother?

My God.

I could have said anybody.
But I didn't.

I said your wife because...

she's... very attractive
for an older person.

Not old, of course.
Just older than me.

Not that that makes a difference,
cos an age gap is a good thing.

It wouldn't stop me.
I'd still... Well, I wouldn't.

I'm just saying she's
a very good-looking lady.

What have you got
planned for tomorrow?

I thought we could all play
a game of Monopoly, Dad.

Ah. Ah, that's good.
I like a nice game at Christmas.

Oh, dear,
it's the Manchester edition.

It's virtually the same.
Just a few changes.

"You've won second prize
in a beauty contest, now get home

"and clean the stove,
you've had your bit of fun."

We've got some playing cards.

We could always play Pontoon.
You like that.

That's no good to him, is it?
Only being allowed to go up to .

Maybe we could change it

so you can go all the way up to .

How does that sound, granny magnet?

Ah, morning, Lee. Merry Christmas.

Not the lips.

Merry Christmas.. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Not for me, thanks.

Nibble? Oh, lovely.

Fancy a little Bucks Fizz?

Oh, right, the drink.

I thought the girls were going
to rip their skirts off.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Ah, Tim.

Merry Christmas, darling.

Mum, Dad, this is Daisy.

Ooh, careful...
Lady shake, Dad, lady shake.

Yes, like you do with Lucy and Tim.

Very glad to meet you at last.
We were beginning to
think you didn't exist.

Oh, don't worry,
because I think that sometimes too.

That maybe I'm just in
someone else's dream and
they'll wake up and I'll die.

Thanks again, Daisy,
this is... great.

You know I don't smoke, don't you?

It's not an ash-tray,
it's a soap dish.

You know he doesn't wash, don't you?

Oh, Lucy. A note book.

That's really sweet. I can use
it to put all my thoughts in.

Oh, look, someone's b*at you to it.

I hope you like them.
It was your father's idea.

Something to put some meat on you
wouldn't go amiss.

Yeah, it's a wonder I managed
to get the wrapping paper off
with my withered little arms.

There's something to go with them.

Oh, brilliant.
Quickly open it, see what it is.

Anyway, talking of presents, I hope

you don't mind but I decided to get

everyone one big communal gift.

Oh, Lee. You shouldn't have.

Yeah, you should have
bought us one each.

Ah. m*rder mystery.

You said you were a fan of games.

The idea is to play it during
the meal. During Christmas dinner?
It might be a laugh.

Halfway through the first course,
find out someone's been k*lled.

Then sack Barbara, throw
the food away and start the game.

Yes, it's a good effort,
but unfortunately it says here

that we have to dress up
in the proper costumes.

Ah, don't you worry about that.

Surprise!

I've got a mate who's
in fancy dress. Oh, brilliant!

Well, come on,

bring him in.

Ah, Constable,

thank God you're here.
There are rumours that there's
about to be a m*rder round here.

- Don't worry,
- I'm here to protect you now, madam.

Just a joke about the... You'll get

more out of the game if you try

and stay in character. Right.

Hi, Lee. Hi, Mum.

Sorry, Dad.

- We're supposed to stay in character.
- Oh, right.

'Ello, Five Fingers 'Arry's the name.

I've 'eard there's been
a bit of bovver, you slag.

And what line of business
are you in, Harry?

Oh, you know.
Ducking and diving, bobbing and...

other rules you can break
in the swimming pool.

We all remember which rule YOU
used to break in the pool.

All kids do that.

Yes, but usually
AFTER they've got into the water.

Aren't we supposed
to be staying in character?

Good point, Lee. Fun is only fun
if you take it seriously.

Hello, everyone, I'm Marjory De Beer.

There's been some terrible news.

I have just found my husband,
Edward De Beer, m*rder*d.

Oh, it's so funny, isn't it?

Sorry.

Are you playing the policeman?

Ah, you must be Old Farmer Slopout.

Come on, give us a smile.

That reminds me, Lee.
Don't forget to phone your mum.

Hello, boys.

Miss Scarlet's the name.

Is that a truncheon in your pocket
or are you just glad to see me?

Actually...
It's a rhetorical question.

You must be Five Fingers Harry.

- Tell me,
- how does a man get a name like that?

Yeah, all right, leave it out, Mum.

Sorry, I'm a little excited.
I love this dress.

That's all right. Just good
to see you getting into it.

I don't mean...

Right, that's the rules. Shall I
go through them one more time?

No, I think just the three times
is enough, Dad.

Right. Let's make a start.

So, Mrs De Beer, how did you
discover your husband's body?

It was awful.

I was lying in my bed

when suddenly I heard a manslaughter

coming from the hallway.

Oh, sorry, I read that wrong.

..when suddenly I heard a man's
laughter coming from the hallway.

I went outside and that's
when I saw Five Fingers Harry

stood there, next
to my husband's dead body. Ahhhhh.

So it was YOU that k*lled him.

I enjoyed that. Let's play again.

I'll read it.

I slammed the bedroom door
and locked it.

I could feel my heart fluttering
beneath my nightie.

All I could think was, "I wish
my darling Edward were alive
to hold me in his warm arms

"and kiss me with his tender lips."

And Tim will be reading more
extracts from his diary tomorrow
at the same time.

So what's going on,
Five Dainty Fingers?

It wasn't me what done it.
I was lying in bed when I smelt
a waft of beautiful perfume.

When I opened the door,
do you know who was there?

Well, it wasn't me, was it?

Because I stink of pig sh*t.

Someone in a mask, holding a Kn*fe,

an' they weren't planning on

peeling no spuds neither, you tarts.

Then suddenly, he lifts the Kn*fe up,

gives a terrifying scream
and plunges it towards me heart.

What the f... What are you doing?
I thought I should make
the effort and join in.

It's not a zombie film, you mad cow.

I'm supposed to be Edward De Beer,

the m*rder victim

who's been stabbed in the...

I shall go and carve the turkey.

Well, come along.

Don't just sit there.

Get a brush and clean it up,

you lazy little swine.

Oh, this is fun, isn't it?

So, why don't you tell us exactly
what you saw yesterday afternoon?

The Wizard Of Oz.

Oh! Oh, I see.

I was surprised to see Mr Slopout
arguing with my husband.

He had been dismissed the day before,

and told never to return.

Yeah, it was disgusting
what he was doing to those pigs.

So why did you return, Slopout?

I'd come to pick up
some gardening tools. Do you think
he was holding a grudge?

I don't know much about gardening.

It MAY have been a grudge.

- Why don't we have a little breather?
- I'll get us all a drink.

I'll give you a hand.

So have you got
a few days off, then?

Actually,
I've got lots and lots of days off.

Why, what do you do?

I don't work.

Well, how do you get by?

Oh, I inherited quite a bit
of money when I was a child,
so I've just always lived off that.

Really? How much,
if you don't mind my asking?

Um, a few million pounds.

I know it sounds like a lot, but

there's lots of expenses in my life.

The house is in a really bad state
at the moment,

and now
that my husband's been m*rder*d...

We're having a little break
from the game.

Oh, sorry.

I'm a hairdresser.

Right, where were we?

Well, I think it's time we heard
Miss Scarlet's alibi.

It was around midnight.

I was lying in bed
when I heard someone screaming.

I ran to the door in my underwear,

and that's when I saw
Officer Plodsworthy.

He took me by the hand
and led me back into the room.

Probably just for a chat, I reckon.

He sat me down on the bed.

And then he tried to kiss me.

No, no. That's a... She's lying.

I wanted him to stop,
I even told him I was married.

But his warm lips on my soft neck
made me tingle all over.

Then he slipped off my underwear...

Oh, you lying f...
I wasn't even there!

Well, one of you is lying.

Well, it's obviously her, isn't it?

Think about it.
She had the three Ms.

The means, the motive,

the... measles.

I put it to you, ladies and

gentlemen, that it was Miss Scarlet

that k*lled Mr De Beer.

Bitch.

Oh, officer!

Do you really think
I could k*ll with these hands?

They're so soft and delicate.

These aren't the hands of a k*ller.

These are the hands of a lover.

Why don't you pop up
to my room and I'll show you
exactly what these hands...

What the hell do you think
you're playing at, Wendy?

I'm staying in character just like
you wanted. To be fair, it is
on the cards between me and her.

On the CARDS!

Yeah, steady on, Dad,
it's just a parlour game. We don't
want you having one of your tizzies.

What do you say, eggnogs all round?

Eggnogs?
Will you please make an effort
to act tough, you bloody ponce!

- This is like when you played Captain
- Hook in the school pantomime.

Oh, not this again. Don't you

think he suffered enough at the time?

Heckled by his own father
in front of the school.

I wasn't shouting at him,
I was shouting at the crocodile.

Yeah, you shouted "Just eat the
little bastard and get on with it."

You know what, Dad?
Sometimes I wish you'd just...

shut your mouth, you bleedin' muppet!

Wow! You lot are so good at this.

You should be actors.

Oh, this is ridiculous,
whose idea was this bloody game
in the first place?

One moment. It's for you.

It's National Rail Enquiries.

Well, what did he say? Shall I

leave out the swearing? Yeah.

Nothing.

He's sulking.

Says we've made him feel guilty.

That's rich
coming from a Catholic priest.

Let me talk to him.

Don't worry, madam,
you're in safe hands.
We train for things like this.

A copper and a priest
walk into a bar.

End of the night,
the priest gets in his car.

Copper stops him,
and says, "I think you're drunk."

The priest says,
"I've only had water all night."

Copper says, "Well,
I can smell wine on your breath."

The priest looks up and goes,
"You've done it again, my Lord!"

You know,
I only want to do my best for Tim.

I just worry that
if he doesn't toughen up a bit,
people will take advantage of him.

Don't worry. When it comes

to people taking advantage of Tim,

no-one gets past me.

And I'm not too sure
about this Daisy girl.

I mean, I don't claim to understand
the workings of the female mind,

but in her case, I suspect
there's an elastic band involved.

Daisy's not that bad, really.
She's not THAT vacant.

Oh, you know that thing when you walk
into the room and you've completely
forgotten what it is you came in for?

Oh, yes, that was it.

Oh, sorry, wrong room.

Where's the toilet?

Why don't we get back in,
finish the game?

What, and spoil my children's fun
with my stupid temper?

I think they're very lucky
having a father like you.

I just wish my step-dad
was as laid-back as you are.

A difficult man, eh?

You're telling me.

The drink, the dr*gs, the beatings.

He wouldn't let me do any of them.

Well, I suppose it is Christmas.

This time of year,
maybe I should give Tim
a shaft of fatherly sunlight.

Well, it's not just Tim, is it?

Your wife could do with a good...

..bit of sunlight as well.

I don't want to encourage Tim
shouting at me like that,

but really, when he wants to, he can
be quite a tough cookie, can't he?

Oh, my God.

Are your Mum and Dad asleep?

Yeah, they've crashed out on the bed.

It looks like
a Vicar and Tarts party...

for narcoleptics.

So it was Mrs De Beer all along.
Who'd have guessed?

Not Daisy, that's for sure.
She probably still thinks it's
Professor Plum, in the library,

with the grudge.

Well done. What for?

I don't know what you said
in the kitchen,
but something did the trick.

I haven't seen Dad give Tim
a playful punch on the arm in years.

It was really quite emotional.

Well, it certainly brought a tear
to Tim's eyes.

You know, in the end,
I think Dad genuinely liked you.

Thanks for the game. That's all
right. Thanks for the Coldplay CD.

Where exactly did you get it from?

Don't worry, I've got the receipt.

So, you got any plans tomorrow?

IN NEW YORK ACCENT: Just back

to the hard-bitten city streets.

Do yourself a favour, sweetheart,
don't get involved.

I'm no super-hero,
I'm just a drunken cop,
a bum, a loser, a dead-b*at, a...

Can I play? No.

Well, you may think of yourself
as a dead-b*at,

but this is one lady who'd sleep
better if you were in here tonight.

You want my room, don't you?

Do you mind? Have it.

Thanks.

Happy Christmas.

I would stay with you a bit longer,
but we don't want to wake the dead.