♪ We're not going out
♪ Not staying in
♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin
♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout
♪ We're not going out
♪ We are not going out. ♪
GAVEL THUDS
OK, ladies and gentlemen,
make yourselves comfortable.
This is where you'll be until you
reach your verdict.
Not very rock and roll these places,
are they?
They're not supposed to be.
That's why they call it
jury service, or jury duty.
If it was meant to be rock and roll,
they'd call it jury rock and roll.
Or Jury Lee Lewis.
Can we choose where we sit?
Anywhere you like.
You don't remember me, do you?
I'm the Community Support Officer
in your area.
Oh, didn't recognise you
with your clothes on.
I do a lot of work
with criminals in his community.
I'm not a criminal.
Are criminals allowed on a jury?
Hmm, only if they've committed
petty offences.
Not if it's an armed robbery or
a flasher, or anything like that.
I'm not a flasher.
I'm just, uh... I'm just putting
that out there.
Or not.
I'll be outside if you need
anything. Any questions?
Yeah, what's your Wi-Fi password?
No phones in the jury room.
I'll have to ask you
to hand that over.
Oh, my God, seriously?
But I need to swipe a few blokes off
before I get a backlog.
Don't worry, you'll be getting it
back in a couple of minutes.
It's an open and shut case.
Oh, I've got one of them.
They protect the screen better,
don't they?
I mean, the bloke's obviously
guilty. We all agree, right?
Well, that's what
we're here to determine.
We all know the rules.
We have to listen to everyone.
And everything that's said in this
room must be confidential.
You mean everything we say
has to be a secret? Correct.
Here's one for you, then.
I'm currently wearing a very tight
pair of ladies pants which I bought
in the toilet off that bloke there.
OK, me next.
I once put peanut butter on my face
and let a horse lick it off.
I've got to get to Stansted Airport
very soon.
He's clearly guilty, why can't we
just cut straight to the vote?
If that's what everybody wants.
Yeah.
All right. As foreman,
I'm happy to go first.
HE CLEARS THROAT
On the basis of the evidence, uh,
particularly the camera footage,
I think he's guilty. You?
Guilty. Would you like to say why?
Well, that sort can't help
themselves. Just look at him.
I think you need to be more
specific.
Well, you know,
he had those beady-looking eyes.
And that accent. What was it?
Scouse? Geordie?
One of the northern ones.
You seem to have made your mind up
straight away.
No, actually,
I thought it was Welsh at first.
So come on then, Miss Marple,
what are you saying?
Well, based on the evidence... Mm.
..rather than his accent,
I also think he's guilty.
Mm-hm. And you?
♪ G to the I to the L-L-T-Y. ♪
What the hell's that supposed
to mean?
I don't know, but it's not guilty.
No, it isn't then.
Isn't guilty, or isn't not guilty?
No.
SIGHING: This could take longer
than we thought.
I'm saying, like, he did it.
Like, he done the robbings.
And you?
It's a yes from me.
You're not on the X Factor,
young lady.
I was - in .
Well, I queued up to watch it.
I didn't bother going in.
Oh, why?
They didn't allow phones.
Guilty. And you?
When you've been in the police force
as long as me,
you get a feeling.
I can smell a crime
like a police dog can smell
a...crime.
Guilty. Mm-hm.
And you? Guilty as sin.
I've already said.
And you? Guilty. Mm-hm.
Guilty. Mm-hm.
Guilty. Guilty.
Which just leaves...
..you.
Well.
I don't think there's any question,
is there? No.
Not guilty.
Only joking, I've always wanted
to do that.
You know, like, er, Henry Fonda
in that film where it's obvious
that he's guilty, but by the end
everyone says, "not guilty."
Oh, yeah, OJ Simpson.
No, that, that was an actual court
case. Nah, man,
I saw it on Netflix with my girl
Anna, for real.
You're going out with Anna Friel?
Good. We all agree.
Guilty. Can we go now?
Yep.
Whoa, hang on a minute!
Is there a problem?
Yes. Somebody has scratched my car.
Very nasty.
I know. Right along the bodywork.
No, I mean the car.
What is that, a plate?
That's not a scratch,
my friend, that's a mercy k*lling.
Come on.
Which bloody idiot did that?
Whoa! What makes you think
it was one of us?
Because that is
the jurors' only car park.
You need ID to get through
the barrier.
Which means it must've been
somebody in this room.
Or maybe it's like an Agatha
Christie thing and everyone did it.
You know, a tiny scratch each.
As our friend here has pointed out,
we seem to have reached
a decision.
So, we need to deliver our verdict.
Hang on, what about my car?
It's not relevant to the case.
Aha! Or is it?
Aha! No, it isn't.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let us return to the courtroom.
Not guilty.
What?
What?! I'm voting not guilty.
How come he gets two votes?
If you vote twice, it won't count,
but you still may be charged
at the network rate.
You've already said guilty.
Oh, no, no.
I never actually said the word.
You said it was obvious.
Yeah, yeah. An obvious set-up.
Excuse me. I hope you're not
accusing the police of anything.
As a Community Support Officer,
I can tell you now,
a bent copper is as rare
as hens' eggs.
You mean "teeth."
Teeth aren't rare.
I'm not necessarily saying
the police did it,
I'm simply saying it's one of
the possibilities.
Oh, who cares what he thinks?
It's still versus .
Uh-uh. You heard the judge.
She wanted a unanimous verdict.
Now, a man is allowed
to change his mind.
That is the whole point
of deliberating as a jury.
But he only changed his vote
because if we leave this room
he won't find out who scratched
his car. Hmm. Well?
Is that the reason you changed
your verdict?
How dare you.
A man's fate lies in our hands.
For us, this is just an afternoon,
but for him,
it could be for
the rest of his life. So, yes,
I'm sorry I want to discuss it
a bit more.
But I for one don't have a plane
to catch,
or a phone to collect,
or some jam to make.
Sorry, I just assumed.
Perhaps we ought to consider it
a tiny bit more.
SIGHING: All right.
You have the floor.
What do you want to say? Good.
Confining your comments to
the actual court case.
Of course.
Let's have a look at the evidence.
Mm-hm.
The accused was allegedly found
with tins of stolen food
in his car.
But I ask you, is that possible?
Can a man really fit all
of those tins in the boot
of a car? I don't know.
Help me out.
Who here drives a car?
This is absurd.
Of course he's guilty.
He confessed to being at
the scene of the crime.
Yes. But is that enough
to condemn a man to the gallows?
The gallows?
For tins of
alphabetti spaghetti?
It could still get him
a very long sentence.
APPLAUSE
There's CCTV in the car park.
That'll show who scratched
your bloody car.
Is there? Of course there is.
Do you think I'd park my car here
if there wasn't?
Place is full of criminals.
Nah, mate, them cameras out there,
they're not working. I checked.
What? You checked to see if
the CCTV cameras were
working or not?
I thought we was just meant
to be talking about the case.
We was. We were!
Until this moron started blaming
everyone for damaging his car.
So why don't you do us all a favour,
admit you scratched the car,
and we can all go?
We know it was you. Were you.
Was you!
He's clearly lying.
About the cameras not working too.
So as soon as you say guilty,
you can go and view
the security footage
in the car park.
Yeah. I suppose. Does that mean
you're now saying guilty? Hmm?
Well, I suppose there's not much
point staying around now. Right.
What's that? It's a train ticket.
Issued at nine o'clock this morning.
Exactly,
so it turns out I didn't scratch
no car, did I? Hmm.
Hang on. "Didn't scratch no car."
Is that a double negative?
Yeah, like Bill Withers.
What? Ain't No Sunshine When
She's Gone. Double negative.
Means he's glad she's gone.
Did he m*rder her? Maybe.
Well, it looks like we have got
some more talking to do.
But you just said he was... I never
actually said the word "guilty."
I haven't got time for this. I've
got an important business meeting
in Zurich. I'm head of capital
investments at a major company.
Yeah, and I'm head of marzipan at
the novelty penis factory.
And I say sit back down,
cos I want to carry on talking.
If you continue
to obstruct this process,
I'll report you to the judge
for contempt of court.
You can't do that.
HE CHUCKLES
Why don't you try me?
And why don't YOU try ME?
We WILL try you. For contempt.
That's the point I'm making.
So, you say the word guilty,
which we all know is what you
really believe,
or I walk out of here
and I report you to the courts.
OK. Not guilty.
The guy. I don't think he done it.
Five minutes ago,
you voted G-I-L-L-T-Y,
same as everyone else.
Now I know what it feels like to be
a victim of
a miscarriage of justice, so.
Are you telling me we have to stay
here till d*ck and Dom see sense?
I'll miss my plane! Yeah, that's
the other reason why I said it.
Well, now it looks like
there's two of us.
You still confident I'll be held
in contempt?
Oh, I think we all hold you
in contempt.
It seems we're at a bit of
an impasse.
Unless anyone has any bright ideas.
PHONE ALERT
Blimey. I thought that only happened
in cartoons.
Have you got another phone? No.
Oh, please. Amanda Holden's
about to drop a TikTok.
If I miss this flight
because of you...
Somebody seems like they're in
a rush to leave.
You haven't got anything to hide,
have you? Listen, mate,
I drive a BMW Series Executive
with the latest reversing sensors
and remote parking. Do you know why?
Cos you're a w*nk*r?
To make sure that it never has
to touch cars like yours
or scumbags like him.
Excuse me,
has someone left a note
on your windscreen?
Oh, yeah.
I didn't spot that before.
You see,
people ARE honest after all.
Well, why would someone leave a
note, but not admit it in the room?
They left a note. Who cares?
So, you two bloody idiots
say guilty, and we can go.
Send the usher out for the note.
Certainly not.
You can read the note after
we've delivered a verdict.
Or we can deliver the verdict
after I have read the note.
I believe this is what is known
as a Mexican stand-off.
r*cist.
If we get you that note,
will you change your verdict
to what you really believe?
If it's an admission of guilt.
And what about you, young man?
I don't really care about no note,
but...
You know what? I'll consider it if
I get a little sorry from these two
for slighting me. I don't want no
Elton John crap about sorry being
the hardest word cos, like...
..it ain't.
Yeah, it's "Wossestersostesher
Sauce."
Well?
Yeah, OK. I'm sorry.
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Anything to get us out of there.
SHE SIGHS
Why does everyone nowadays
have to have feelings?
Fine.
S to the O to the R to the I. Sorry.
It's the only way we'll get
out of here.
Fine.
Um, I'll send for the note.
See? We got there in the end.
This is what the British justice
system is all about.
A group of strangers
from all walks of life
coming together to thrash it out.
Men and women.
The rich, the poor.
The educated... Yeah.
Rude.
Don't take it personally.
Although, er, after the false
accusations this young fella
just had, it does make you wonder,
doesn't it,
how much prejudice was brought
to the actual trial?
Oh, here we go.
Let's all forget about the victim
and feel sorry for the criminal.
I blame the bloody PC Brigade.
Are you accusing the police again?
And it's the Fire Brigade.
It's the Police Force.
Well? It's the note
from the culprit.
I bet it's the last person
we'd ever suspect.
"I'm very sorry for scratching
the side of your car.
"In case anyone is watching,
"I'm pretending to write down
my contact details.
"Mr Blobby, Crinkly Bottom, UK."
APPLAUSE
I've got to be honest.
That really is the last person
I suspected.
So, not only did one
of you lot scratch my car,
now you're bloody taunting me!
Yeah, but all know it weren't me,
don't we?
It's true. It's spelled correctly.
Looks like we're back
to square one.
It was me. What?
I scraped your car,
I left the note.
Well, why didn't you just say
that before?
Because I don't
want to lose my no claims
for a car that's worth less
than my annual premium.
Here's my name and number,
give me a call,
and we'll sort it out.
Any more questions?
Yeah, what's
Noel Edmonds like in real life?
So, if you two herberts say guilty,
we're finished here,
and we can go. Well?
You do what you think is right,
young man.
He tried to blame you, don't forget.
You are the righteous one
in this situation.
Nah, you're right.
You know what,
I am the righteous one.
But, man, I've got weed to sell.
Guilty.
Yes?
It's not going to be easy, you know,
colour matching that car.
Mate, you're driving around
in a clapped out Volvo,
not a Faberge egg.
If Farrow & Ball can do
a colour called Elephant's Breath,
I'm sure we can find one called
Rust Bucket.
Deal?
Well, I suppose there's not much
point staying around now, is there?
OK.
I find... Hang on!
Oh, for the love of God.
You didn't drive here. You came on
the same bus as I did, I saw you.
Well, well, well.
Looks like we found our culprit.
The question is, why are you
covering up for the bus driver?
Well, it was worth a try.
You were prepared to lie
and pay for the damages
just so you could leave?
'Course he wasn't going to pay.
I bet these aren't even your real
details, are they...Hugh?
Hugh?
He's written his name here.
"Hugh Jorgen."
I get it. Fake name.
Do you know giving a fake name's
a crime? What's your real name?
Ivor Biggun.
Well, next time you tell the truth
the first time, Mr Biggun.
Fake name, fake car.
Were you lying about your fancy job
as well? 'Course not.
I'm on a six figure salary.
Plus perks.
Oh, yeah? Does the bus driver
let you sit near the front
so you can pretend to drive?
So, looks like we're no closer
to resolving matters then.
Er, not true. Whilst I was, uh,
asking the usher for the note
from under the windscreen,
I also asked her another question.
Would the judge be willing to accept
a majority verdict instead of
a unanimous one,
and the answer has just come back.
She would. ALL: Oh! Thank God!
Well, it looks like we don't
have to listen to you any more.
All right, everyone,
back on your bus.
See you in Lidl when I pop over
for the cheap wine.
Hang on! No, no, no, no, no. No.
We've had enough
of your delaying tactics.
We are delivering
a guilty verdict right now.
Well, what if people have changed
their minds?
Based on what?
Based on just witnessing
how easy it is for
a miscarriage of justice to happen.
Well, what about the police report?
Yeah.
She works for the police.
And two minutes ago,
she thought Mr Blobby did it.
I want another vote. But this time,
a secret ballot
so nobody's intimidated.
It's a good idea.
All right. So whatever happens,
you'll accept it? Of course.
And then we're straight out of here,
and you'll never find out
who scratched your car. Fine by me.
Was thinking of downgrading anyway.
Going to get a BMW Series
Executive.
Oh, sorry. I mean a bus.
Very well. Write down your votes
and return them to me, everyone.
And as quickly as possible, please.
This is exciting, isn't it?
You could hear a pin drop.
PHONE ALERT
Surely not. What kind of person
carries three phones?
Apart from a drug dealer.
I've got three phones.
Well, nobody said anything about
iPads.
Come on. Oh, please?
It's all I have left. Ugh!
Luckily for you we'll be out of
here in a couple of minutes,
so you can keep your precious thing,
Gollum.
Who? Google it.
Right, if we're all done,
I'll collect your votes.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Please.
Allow me.
You suddenly seem very keen
to get out of here.
Well, you know what they say.
If you can't b*at them,
what's the point in having
corporal punishment?
Uh, may I, uh, read them out?
Mm. Be my guest.
Well, I've kept them in the same
order, so we know who wrote what.
Well, how's that a secret ballot?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Just get on with it.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Blimey, it's like a Catholic version
of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,
this.
Not guilty.
Not guilty.
Not guilty.
Not guilty.
Ah, I get it, bro. Mm, me too.
Devious little sod. We all know what
you're doing, you know.
Yeah. But just tell us anyway.
He's comparing our handwriting
to the note on the windscreen.
Guilty.
Not guilty.
Hmm. Not guilty.
Well, no matching handwriting
so far. And this one's mine.
So, that just leaves one
final suspect.
Our dear, respected foreman.
Ladies and gentlemen, it has been
a long and difficult trial.
But I can finally reveal...
..that his handwriting doesn't match
the one on the car.
Are you sure?
Yeah, look. His I's are wonky.
Yeah, but more reason why he can't
reverse straight.
Well, God knows how we ended up
with that result,
but at least it's over. I'm leaving.
Er, you can't.
Yes, I can. We voted.
It's - in favour of not guilty.
No, it's not. It's six for guilty,
and six for not guilty.
It should've been
a majority verdict,
but he voted guilty,
and now we've got a hung jury.
So, nobody is going anywhere.
You cheeky bastard!
I don't look anything like Gollum!
Screw it. I'm swapping sides.
Not guilty.
You can't do that just
because you want to leave!
Oh, you bloody do-gooders
get on my tits.
Oh, shut the BLEEP up!
APPLAUSE
SHOUTS: Why don't you all
shut the BLEEP up
and just tell me who scratched
my car?!
We can't do both!
Please, I'm going to miss my bus.
Flight!
Oh, stop lying!
I checked the iPad before
and there were no flights to Zurich
from Stansted tonight!
All right. I admit it.
I work in the stockroom at Curry's,
OK?
I'm not going to Zurich,
I'm just going home for my tea.
Happy? Now, please can we go?
My mum will be livid if I'm late!
And I've got to get my dad's suit
hung up before he finds out that
I took it without asking!
Anyone else been lying today?
I don't know.
Are you really the head of marzipan
at the novelty penis factory?
THEY ANGRILY TALK OVER
EACH OTHER
What is the matter with you?!
You're not even a proper copper!
THEY CONTINUE ARGUING
Silence in court!
Sorry to interrupt,
but I have a document
for your attention.
The judge has ruled that it may be
admitted to aid your deliberation.
Thank you.
The defendant has asked us to take
this statement into consideration.
Oh, let me guess,
he had a tough childhood
and the alphabetti spaghetti
is to help with his dyslexia.
Argh, it's always the same.
Broken home, junkie mum,
pitta bread for shoes.
Let's hear that HE has to say.
Thank you.
"Your honour, members of the jury,
"I want to confess after all.
"I stole those goods.
"I've made a lot of bad choices
in life, and, yes,
"when I saw that warehouse door
was open
"I took those tins of food.
But not for me.
"They were for the food bank where
I volunteer to help those in need."
Oh, a likely story. "But
I appreciate stealing is stealing."
And do you know what else it is?
Theft.
"And so I changed my mind.
"I turned my car around
to return those tins of food
"to their rightful owner.
"I would've probably got away
with it had I not seen..." Ahh.
"..an injured puppy dog by
the side of the road."
Oh, for crying out loud!
"And it was crying out loud.
"I pulled over to
try to save its life.
"That's why I flagged down
the police car to help."
He flagged down the police? Yeah.
That was never mentioned.
"And so, I was arrested but...
HE EXHALES
"..I don't mind, because
the puppy dog made a full recovery
"at the rescue centre." Aw!
Aww, come off it! What puppy?
"They nicknamed him..." Aw.
"..Heinz."
SHE SOBS
He's not the only one who needs
to make a confession.
I, er, I only said not guilty
to begin with
so I could keep you all here
to find out who scratched my car.
Do you know why I did it?
Because you're a knobhead?
It was rhetorical.
I did it because, well, I was just
thinking about myself
and not the court case, and now I am
thinking about the court case.
I think this fella deserves
his freedom.
In fact, so do we all.
If...
If we all vote not guilty,
this trial is over,
and you'll never find out
who damaged your car. I know,
but at least
justice will have been served.
So what do you say, everyone?
Not guilty?
Not guilty.
Not guilty. Not guilty.
Not guilty.
Not guilty. Not guilty.
Not guilty. Not guilty.
N to the O to the T...
Oh, get on with it!
Not guilty.
Not guilty.
Not guilty.
Members of the jury,
we finally have a verdict.
Yes! Let us return it to the court.
Well done.
I suppose everyone deserves
a second chance.
Did he dictate that note
to himself?
No, he didn't dictate it.
He wrote it himself.
Where did this fella park his car?
Er, the main car park was full,
so we had to let him into
the jurors' car park.
He scratched my bloody car!
APPLAUSE
And we've just let him off!
Oi, come back! I've changed my mind!
He's guilty! String him up!
Hang the bastard!
Guilty!
♪ We're not going out
♪ Not staying in
♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout
♪ We're not going out
♪ We are not going out. ♪
12x05 - Jury
Watch/Buy Amazon
Series focuses on Lee Mack, who plays a fictional version of himself: an unambitious man in his late thirties living as a lodger in a flat in the London Docklands.
Series focuses on Lee Mack, who plays a fictional version of himself: an unambitious man in his late thirties living as a lodger in a flat in the London Docklands.