13x03 - Day Out

[bunniefuu]

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around with my head
in a spin

♪ But there is no need to scream and
shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

What's going on?

Bit old for that, isn't she?

I 'lost all my teeth by the time
I was eight.

That's because you drank treacle
for breakfast and had rickets.

Happy days.

Well, hurry up and get it out if you
want p off the Tooth Fairy.

You still believe in the Tooth
Fairy, I hope?

Course I do.

In fact, the Tooth Fairy
wrote me a letter and told me

she now leaves £ .

Stop fiddling with it.

Anyway, I've got something
to take your mind off it —

three free tickets
to Adventure Canyon!

Oh, my God!

It's gosh, not God.

Don't worry. That's what it'll sound
like when the tooth falls out.

Adventure Canyon, the theme park?

No, Adventure Canyon,

the colonic irrigation clinic.

Yes, the theme park.

I thought you didn't like theme
parks.

Well, I do when they're free.

God, you're tight.

Gosh.

where did you get them?

One of the dads at school.

He's got kids in the sixth form, but now they
don't need them because they're both ill.

I thought me, you and Mollie
could go.

You know we've got three
kids, don't you?

You do know that, right?

I prefer this one.

He hasn't spoken for two years and
this one stinks of Lynx Africa.

Adventure Canyon's rubbish.

Charlie, would you like to come to a theme
park with your parents or stay at home,

pretend you're doing your homework
and have custard creams for lunch?

One grunt for stay.

HE GRUNTS

There you go.

These tickets are for tomorrow.
It's a school day.

Even better. No queues.

And how exactly are you planning
to get around the teachers?

I was thinking of dressing a
ventriloquist's dummy up in school uniform,

sitting it in Mollie's school chair,
then smuggling Mollie out

over the school playground
wall in a Post Office sack.

You know what I mean.
They won't authorise the absence,

Not for a day at a theme park.

Oh, I see.

So it's all right if it's for a
museum visit or a funeral,

but not for when it's actually
something worthwhile.

She is our daughter.

We will do what we like.

And that is what you should tell
the school.

I'm not telling them.

If you want to take her out of
school, you can tell them.

Me? I don't do schools.
I do builders and binmen.

So you're still using Grindr?

Grindr?

It's an app for coffee lovers.

No, it's not.
It's for hocking up gay men.

Yes, well...

.they go for a coffee first.

Look, if you insist on Mollie
bunking off from school,

you can deal with it

Kids, you're going to be late!

Fine.

I'll pop into the school
after I've dropped the kids off.

And say what?

Say that we're going to a theme
park.

If you're going to do this, at least
have the basic human decency to lie.

And say what?

Say she's got a dentist appointment.

No chance!

You can bow down to this nanny-state
mentality on your own watch.

I am telling them straight.

We are going to Adventure Canyon
to ride the Great Bear.

That's not a Grindr thing.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come!

Oh, I was looking for Mr Parsons.

Am I in the wrong room?

You're in the wrong decade.

Mr Parsons retired in .

I'm the new head teacher.

No, I'm the new head teacher!

You probably don't remember me.

Oh, I remember you.

I thought you worked at the junior
school

I did, but now I don't.

It's hard to keep up with all
these changes.

How long have you worked here?

Three years.

Well, my wife Lucy does the school
stuff. I do binmen and...

How can I help you?

It's just a quick one.

We're taking Mollie out of school
to marrow.

I see.

And you're here to request
authorisation?

Well, I'm here to let you know.

Are you, indeed?

And what's the reason?

I just assumed it was the polite
thing to do.

The reason for Mollie's absence.

Oh.

Is that necessary?

Pupils may only be removed
from the learning environment

in exceptional circumstances.

Right. Well, I can confirm that this
is exceptional circumstances.

In what way?

Because normally she comes
to school.

I need to know why Mollie
will be absent.

Surely that's for the parents to
decide whether it's important enough?

Of course.

Absolutely. %.

And it's up to the school to decide
whether to impose financial

penalties or not.

Penalties?

I don't make the rules.

I thought you were the head teacher.

Fair point, I do make the rules.

But that doesn't mean
I have to enjoy them.

But you do?

Yes.

This school takes truancy
very seriously.

Truancy?

Playing hooky, skiving,

bunking off, wagging it.

Flipping the monkey, chick wiggling,
hammer time.

I take it seriously too.

What's that?

It's the list of exceptional
circumstances.

Can I have a look?

So, what's the reason?

Is it extra for a pointless answer?

The reason Mollie needs
to be off school is because...

.she's got a dentist's appointment.

Is that right?

Final answer.

You're going with dentist
appointment?

Yeah.

Yes, that's on the list.

Good.

I assume you know my next question,

Do I want to gamble
for the speed ho at?

Which dentist?

No, he's fully qualified.

That joke works better with doctors.

Gulpin's on the high street.

Can't miss it.
There's a plaque outside.

Well, there used to be.

Mr Gulpin scraped it off.

And can you provide written
evidence of this appointment?

Is that in the rules?

Well, no, but...

Right.

And how long
will Mollie be absent for?

Oh, not long.
Just the one day.

A whole day?!

Well, she's got a lot of teeth.

I don't think a full day's
absence is appropriate.

Right.

Again, does it specifically
say that in the rules?

No.

Your rules that you wrote?

Yes.

I'm starting to enjoy these rules
as well

Bye.

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

WOMAN SCREAMS

Don't be frightened, darling.

This is all just silly props.

DEMONIC CACKLING

Sorry. I forgot to mention that your
dad was coming.

Having fun?

Well, it's marginally better
than going to the dentist,

Yeah, well, it was either
lie or be fined.

System's a joke.

It's like something
from a George Orwell novel.

Oh, yeah?

Which one?

The one where the farm animals
go on Big Brother.

If you objected so much,
you could have stayed at home.

Become?

What do you mean?

Well..

Mollie, who's the coolest parent,

me or Dad?

Neither.

But I'm always letting you do
cool things.

Sorry. I thought you meant fashion.

Anyway, it's been a brilliant day
and we got away with it.

Until Mollie goes back to school
wearing deely boppers

and a badge that says, "I've been to
Adventure Canyon Theme Park."

That won't happen.

Mollie knows what to say,
don't you?

I'm not lying to my teachers, Dad.

It's not right.

Is she definitely mine?

Definitely.

When we first slept together, I said
to myself I never wanted to make

love to another man again.

Well, I'm proud of you for that
attitude.

Well done, you.

So you think I should tell
the truth?

God, no! Just...

...don't say anything.

Yeah. No TikTok, no Instagram and
no...

You know, the face one that kids
don't do any more.

Facebook.

No, I meant face-to-face
human interaction.

Well, it's been a lovely day,
but it's time to go home.

One more ride, please!

Unless you cool parents are finding
it all too scary?

BOTH: No!

THEY SCREAM

Ooh! Watch out, you almost hit
them!

Well, that's the idea.

Remember — dodgems, hit 'em,
car parks, avoid 'em.

Yeah.

She probably needed a new
mobility scooter anyway.

Hello!

Well, fancy bumping into you!

This doesn't look good, does it?

Exactly.
Shouldn't you be at work?

I AM at work.

If you're doing some Uber driving, I
think you've taken a wrung tum'

I'm here to supervise the sixth
formers on the leavers' day out.

Hence those sixth—form kids
having the tickets

in the first place.

The tickets I was only given today
after our trip to the dentist.

I thought Mollie deserved a treat
for being so brave.

So what did she have done?

A..

.Procedure.

What kind of a procedure?

Dental

An extraction?

Yep.

Poor Mollie.

She wasn't happy, but nobody wants
an emergency extraction, do they?

Speak for yourself.

Poor Mollie, indeed.

I'll go and see how she's doing.

She can show me the brand-new gap
in her teeth.

Extraction?!

It's not my fault. She outwitted me.

Yeah, what are the odds?

MUSIC: The Chain
by Fleetwood Mac

What are you smashing into Mollie
for?!

I thought it might dislodge her
tooth!

Hello, Mollie!

Your dad tells me you had an
extraction at the dentist.

Don't be shy, show me.

Come on.

Open up.

BELL RINGS

This is fun, isn't it?

ANNOUNCER:

Well, we must be getting home.

Actually, before you go, I know
a joke about a Scottish theme park.

I don't want to hear it,
thank you.

I don't blame you.

It disnae land.

You know that a visit to a theme
park during school hours isn't

covered in the rules, don't you?

Remind me again of the school hours.

am to .

And can I just check the time now?

,

How long have you been here?

Five minutes.

New rules.

If Mollie is ever absent from school
again for any reason whatsoever,

I will need you to supply me
with solid documentary evidence

or there will be a fine.

Is that understood?

Roger that.

Luckily for you, I won't need
any proof of today's dental visit.

Really?

Because she'll be in school
again tomorrow, won't she?

With a great big gap in her teeth.

Why didn't they build Hadrian's Wall
a bit higher?

Dad, what are you doing?

Nothing!

Why are you tying string
to the door handle?

Don't worry about it,
You just sit there,

carry on eating your toffees.

You're not pulling my tooth out.

You mean your wobbly tooth?

It's not that wobbly.

Well, it looks wobbly to me.

It's very unattractive.

Honestly, it makes you lock
really ugly.

One sharp tug
and that would come out.

No, it wouldn't.

I like a challenge.

Don't you want the Tooth Fairy to
come?

I don't believe in fairies.

Well, that's Tinker Bell dead.

Actually, talking of the Tooth
Fairy, she rang me this morning.

Tonight, special offer, one night
only, it's ten quid a tooth.

Why don't you just pay the fine?

Because then Miss Anstis will
know that you're lying,

You'll get into trouble and...

...you might get taken into care.

Do you want that?

I'm thinking about it.

I haven't been lying.

I'd never lie to a teacher.

You're the one who lied.

It was your mum's idea.

I only suggested the dentist lie
because you insisted

on taking her out of school.

K, so all of us in some
way share the blame,

but mainly your mum.

So let's all just calm down, relax,

and pull Mollie's tooth out.

You've got to sleep sometime, kid.

You're not pulling my tooth out.

K, fine.

Plan B, where are my car keys?

You are not tying her tooth to the
car!

I'm taking her to the dentist.

The emergency dentist.

You can't go to an emergency dentist
just to remove a wobbly tooth.

Well, I can if it's causing
a problem.

It's not causing a problem.

It well is!

Lee!

Sorry.

I mean, "gosh."

Oh, fine.

I'll take her to the normal
dentist tomorrow.

They'll soon whip it out.

So you're getting around the lie
you told about going

to the dentist today

by actually going to the dentist
tomorrow?

And on another school day?

Exactly.

But Miss Anstis made it clear that
if you take Mollie out of school,

you need proper proof from now on.

Well, if I really am taking
her to the dentist tomorrow,

I can prove it.

But what if the proof explains
she's had an extraction?

That'll prove she didn't have one
yesterday.

I know!

They're not pulling out two teeth,

You think of something, then!

Got it! Plan C.

We tell Miss Anstis that we're
taking Mollie somewhere else -

not the dentist.

Somewhere she can't ask for proof.

You know we're supposed
to be teaching Mollie

that skipping school is a bad idea?

Don't worry. That's exactly
what you ARE teaching me.

What are you doing?

That's my girl!

Right.

After three.

One...

...two...

.three!

Obviously that tooth wasn't
as wobbly as I thought.

Plan Cit is.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come!

Me form tutor sent me.

I'm being bullied.

Can I join in?

I hope you've brought Mollie to see
me, because I'm very much looking

forward to seeing that gap
in her teeth,

And she is very much looking forward
to showing you it..

...tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Yep.

She's not coming into school
today.

Again?

LOUDER: She's not coming into school
today!

What is it this time?

Has she got an eye test at
Chessington World of Adventure?

Actually, it's something
much more serious.

My Aunt Flossie has very,
very suddenly...

...become very unwell

Is that right?

And what's the matter exactly?

Oh, you know, just..

.Old age.

I see.

She's very, very suddenly
become old aged?

Yeah.

Well, that must have come
as quite a shock to everyone.

It did.

You see, the thing is, Aunt Fanny...

You mean Aunt Flossie?

The thing is, Aunt Fanny
looks after Aunt Flossie...

.and Fanny told us Flossie
was not well.

Really, really not well.

So Mollie wants to visit her.

Only Mollie, then? Not her brothers,
Charlie and Benji?

Well, Mollie has a special
bond with her great-aunt,

She's named after her.

Mollie is named after Flossie?

Middle name.

She's my Auntie Flossie Mollie.

Sister of Auntie Fanny Benji.

So Mollie wants to go and see
her one last time, you know,

before it's too late.

And that is why she needs
the day off school.

And Mollie will confirm that,
will she?

Mollie won't want to talk about it.

We encourage all our children
to keep their emotions

tightly bottled up.

Obviously, I understand
if you can't allow it, we can always

ask Aunt Flossie to try and hold out
until the weekend

rather than die on a school day.

Well, as I told you yesterday,

from now on, if you wish to avoid a
fine,

any absence will require
written proof.

And I intend to get
you that from the doctor.

I will tear myself away
from Aunt Flossie's bedside and

pop to her doctor for a note.

I'll leave little -year-old Mollie
on her own,

all alone with her dying aunt,

Fingers crossed that Flossie
doesn't slip away whilst I'm out

getting you that note.

And if Mollie says, "But why?",

I'll say it's completely
understandable that Miss Anstis

needs evidence that her great-aunt,
who she loves dearly, is dying.

And if she says, "But who would lie
about a thing like that?",

I'll say, "Don't ask me. Ask one of your
WhatsApp school groups - ♪{an'tlGrievelnPeace.”

All right!

She can have the day off.

No doctor's note?
No fine?

This is the last time.

Next time, Mollie's absence
will require the proper evidence,

or the financial penalty
will be levied in full

It's this kind of pastoral care
that makes you such a wonderful

and warm-hearted head teacher.

Please don't touch me.

Aunt Flossie?

You're covering
for a dentist appointment,

and the name you come up
with is Flossie?

You might as well have said
Great-Uncle Toothbrush.

But it worked. She got a day off on
compassionate grounds.

If Mollie finds out what you said
to Miss Anstis, she won't go

It won't crop up.

I made it very clear that Mollie
will not want to talk about it.

Like when your dad d*ed and you said
you were too sad to do housework.

Yeah.

And you're still grieving,
aren't you?

All done?

Great.

Now, on the off chance Miss Anstis
talks to you about today“.

What did you tell her?

I'm not lying to her.

You don't need to lie.

Just imagine Harry Styles dying
and your eyes will do the rest.

What?

Ignore him,
Go and pay the bill.

I thought kids were free.

Mr Gulpin's free because he's NHS.

But today we used Mr Gulpin's
partner, who's a private dentist.

Why?!

And you insisted we had to do
it today.

It would have been simpler
just to pay the school fine!

Yeah, but who likes simple?

Actually, I do.

I married you.

Actually, I don't know if this is
a good time to mention it,

but when we were at the theme park,
I picked up some vouchers.

% off if we go back on Thursday!

Do you want to lose a tooth?

I can do it for free,

Hello.

I know.

You used to teach me.

Oh, yes.

I caught you once eating sweets
at the back of class, if I recall

I hope you've learned your lesson.

Well, I ended up working here.

I need to check whether or not
a pupil of mine had an appointment

here yesterday
or if they were truanting.

Right. I wasn't actually in
yesterday.

Well, you can always check
your computer records.

I'm not sure we're allowed
to do that.

But I'm sure I can make
an exception.

What's the name?

It's Mollie.

Hello!

Here we are again.
People will talk.

I thought you were at your
Aunt Flossie's deathbed.

Well, sometimes it's better
just girls alone.

Mollie's giving Flossie a bed
bath, helping her Fanny.

Her Aunt Fanny.

They're saying their goodbyes
and they

wanted me to leave them in peace.

I can imagine.

It's all getting a bit too much,
anyway.

I needed a break.

So you thought you'd clear your head
by coming to a dentist's surgery?

I thought it was a good idea whilst
I was out to pay the bill

for Mollie's tooth extraction.

Because I forgot to pay
it yesterday.

And yet you were sitting
in a comer reading a magazine?

Yes, because a very important
article caught my eye

in this issue of Take A Break
magazine...

.from .

Haunted By The Ghost Of A Circus
Monkey?

We've all been there.

Well, don't let me stop you
paying...

for yesterday's treatment.

Sorry, your child had a tooth
extracted yesterday as well?

As well?

Yes.

As well as having a checkup
yesterday.

Right. I'm going through yesterday's
appointments and I can't find any...

Sorry, I think the system's crashed.

It wasn't my fault, miss.

Oh, don't worry. I'll pop back some
other time and sort it out.

Oh, that's OK. I know what the fees
are.

That will be £ , please.

£ ?

for the extraction yesterday
and for...

All the extras, yes, I understand.

Can I have an anaesthetic
before I pay for this?

Well..

. Fancy seeing you here.

Mollie!

What the hell are you doing here?!

Who the heck is looking
after Aunt Flossie?

There is no Aunt Flossie, is there?

Lee, just tell her the truth.

No.

No, there isn't.

You see, the thing is...

.Aunt Flossie d*ed.

Is that right?

Yeah.

why didn't you just tell me
that seconds ago?

Because we hadn't broken the news
yet to Mollie,

but we have now.

Mollie, I'm sorry, but your beloved
Great-Aunt Flossie,

she sadly passed away this morning.

NO!

Not Great—Aunt Flossie!

It's not fair!

She can't be gone!

She can't be!

SHE WAILS

Well, I hope you're pleased
with yourself!

Obviously, we'll be needing
a day off for the funeral,

It's Thursday, actually.

And before you ask, yes,
we will be providing proof.

SCREAMING

Right -

who wants to go on the dodgems?

'lay!

THEY SCREAM

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need to scream
and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪