13x06 - Beep

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

BEEP

BEEP

BEEP

As much as I love a good mime
artist, dinner is served.

BEEP

Don't tell me you can't hear that.

What?

BEEP
That.

It's been bugging me
for the last half hour.

What, you think it's MI ?

Dinner's ready.

Is it the microwave?

No, it's not the bloody microwave.

I've spent all afternoon cooking
a proper meal in the oven.

Does the oven beep?

You can't ignore these warning
signals, you know.

Don't worry, I fully intend to
book us in to Relate.

BEEP

Maybe it's the
carbon monoxide alarm.

That can cause damage to the brain,
you know.

Or it might be the alarm
on the stable door, reminding us

that horse bolted years ago.

BEEP

Have you checked the smoke alarm?

Of course I have.

Was it not that?

Yes, Lucy, it was that.

But I thought I'd leave it because
I was finding the tune quite catchy.

It's not the smoke alarm.
I've just changed the battery.

BEEP

It's not your phone, is it?

No, my phone is in my bedside
drawer and it's switched off.

Why? Because I don't want my mates
texting me the result of the footy.

I'm going to watch it as soon
as I find this bloody beep.

BEEP

You've forgotten, haven't you?

What? That I've cooked
a special meal for us both.

Of course I haven't forgotten.

What made me think of
the smoke alarm?

I wish you'd listen to me
when I tell you things.

BEEP
Hmm?

SHE EXHALES

Please sit down.

Well, obviously, I...
BEEP

Obviously, I can ignore it,
if that's what you want.

Yes, it is what I want.

I just thought it might
be bothering you.

It's not bothering me.

BEEP

Are you sure?
BEEP

Because it's driving me nuts.

That's it.

It's the sound of your nuts
reversing into your body

for protection.

Well?

What?

What do you think?

The ambience?
BEEP

I don't think it's an ambulance.

But I'll tell you what,

it might be a fire engine.

Please, stop it.

Kids are a bit old for that,
aren't they?

It's mine.

I'm having an affair
with an eight—inch fireman.

He's six—foot—four.

Are you going to eat?

So how is it?

It's lovely.

What is it?

It's carpaccio beef starter
with pickled beetroot and a salad

of green beans.

BEEP

What did I just say it was?

Carpaccio beep... Beef!

That's right. With pickled beep root
and a salad of green beeps.

Please, Lee, can you just ignore it?

Of course I can. Are you sure?

Yes.

Good.

Cos, when was the last time
we had an evening together

without any distractions?

Think of the last time we had sex.

I bet it was on the same night.
Well, I hope so.

If the two of us are having sex
on different nights,

we have got problems.

It's important to do things
like this.

So, like I told you earlier,
we're going to spend quality time

together this evening, eating nice
food and dressed in our finest.

Sorry, I've been under
the floorboards.

Spoilsport,
I was going to put you there.

BEEP

I was under there looking for
whatever's causing the...

Whatever, doesn't matter.
I'm ignoring it.

So, how's your day been?

Fine.

What've you been doing?

Anna came round earlier
on her way to meet Toby.

They've gone away for the weekend.

I did actually tell you
all this before.

I know. I was listening.

So you know where they've gone,
then?

Yes.

Where?

New... Castle. New York.

New York, I was half listening.

They wanted a break from
the daily grind of life.

Thought you said they'd gone
together.

It's a romantic weekend away.

BEEP

Maybe we should go away
together soon.

Sounds good.
Where do you fancy?

Actually, I searched online
for a canal cruise the other day.

A canal cruise?
Yeah, it's a bit awkward, actually.

The letter C on my keyboard
doesn't work properly

and I accidentally missed
off the first letter C

and, well, let's just say I wish
I hadn't pressed Google Images.

Anyway, maybe we don't even need a
fancy holiday away.

Like Anna said, a simple dinner for
two at home can be another way to

add a bit of romance to a marriage.

Sorry, this was Anna's idea?

BEEP

Ignore that.

Well, she prompted it.

HE SCOFFS

What? You always seem to listen
to what Anna tells you to do.

No, I don't.

What about that dairy—free fad?

Quinoa milk, it's the most
disgusting thing I've ever tasted.

That's a bit of an exaggeration.

A bit, maybe.

But what about all this?

Anna comes round to tell you
that we need to put more romance

in our marriage and you cook
us a big meal.

She didn't come round to say that.

She just...casually brought it up.

So what did she come round for?

To give me some new tea towels.

Why?

If you must know, she thought ours
were looking a bit old and grubby.

Oh, my God.
Our tea towels aren't old.

Charles and Diana are
on one of them.

I don't know why you let
her influence you so much.

I don't.

She just happened to mention that it
might be nice for us to spend

an evening together.

No telly, no kids.

BEEP

No distractions.

You know, chatting.

About what?

About us.

Why, what's wrong with us?

Why does there have to be
anything wrong with us?

You were just talking about
the food you're eating.

It doesn't mean there's anything
wrong with it, does it?

No.

BEEP

Leave it.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP

Oh, my God. Am I in an intensive
bloody care unit, or something?!

You will be. Why?
What's the main course?

Sorry?!

Nothing. Look... Nothing.

Just give me two minutes to sort
this out, and then you'll

have my full attention.

Will I, though? You're always
distracted by something.

If it's not a beep, it's your phone
or the TV or an eBay auction.

You didn't complain when

I got that complete set of
Grumbleweeds egg cups.

Well, it was hard to complain
given I was so overwhelmed

with sexual excitement.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?
Lion taming?

I am checking out that smoke alarm.

I thought you just put
a new battery in.

Yeah, but it was from the drawer,
so I might've accidentally replaced

an old battery for
another old battery,

and that's why it's beeping.

How can you tell? I lick it.

Oh, great.

My husband, the battery licker.

Maybe you can lick the conversation
we were just having,

see if that's now gone dead.

To be fair, Lucy, you were talking
about tablecloths. Tea towels!

And I'm sorry if I'm boring you.

Maybe I should do something
more interesting.

What if I emitted a high pitched,
whining noise at regular intervals?

What do you mean, if?

Please,
can you leave it until after dinner?

Look, it's got to be coming
from somewhere.

OK, fine.

I'm going to tell you.

What, you know what it is?

I wasn't going to say earlier.
You won't like it.

Go on.
There is no beeping sound.

You're going mad.

It's not in my head.
BEEP

I mean, you heard that.

Heard what?
BEEP

And that.

I didn't hear a thing.

And that one.

There wasn't one that time.

Ah!

Who needs a fire when you can
destroy the house by yourself?

Ugh!

That battery's fine.

BEEP

BEEP

Oh, my God, Lee, at this rate,
we'll end up like Anna and Toby

going halfway around the world to
try and save their marriage.

You what?

Have you checked the thermostat
in the fridge?

That makes a beeping sound.

You said that they'd gone
to New York for a little break.

You didn't say it was
to save their marriage.

Well, you know what they're like.
Always a crisis.

Not so bad that they literally
go to the headquarters

of the United Nations.

Come on. What's going on?

OK.

Yes, they are a bit desperate.

So they decided to spend some time
together in New York to try

and fix things.

A Big Apple a day keeps the marriage
guidance counsellor away.

Is that what this is, then?

What do you mean? All this?

Are we fixing things?

Of course not.

They've flown to New York.

All I've done is make us dinner.

Yeah, yeah, but a very fancy dinner.

It's making me nervous.
I know.

I'm making you use a Kn*fe
and fork and everything.

Just be honest. Do you think
we're getting like Anna and Toby?

Of course I don't.

I just think... Oh, my God!

See, you do think we've got issues!
BEEP

This is why I don't like
having serious conversations.

Because every time we have one,
I end up finding out

we've got marriage problems.

If you could manage a serious
conversation once in a while,

we wouldn't have marriage problems.

So you do think
we've got marriage problems?

Of course not.

We're certainly not as bad as
Anna and Toby.

Punch and Judy aren't as
bad as Anna and Toby.

Actually, you're a bit like Punch.

Oh, so now it's the nose.

If you're trying to ruin
my confidence,

that's the way to do it.

You know, I'm not sure that
I appreciate being compared

to a person who's capable of k*lling
their spouse with a string

of sausages.

Punch doesn't do that.

I meant Anna.

I told you, I'm not
comparing us to Anna and Toby.

BEEP
This...

This was all a scam just to
get me to have a fancy dinner

and a conversation.

Well, of course, when you put
it like that,

I sound like a total monster.

You think we've got marital issues.

Well, I wasn't sure to begin with,
Lee, but you've done an excellent

job of proving that we have.

BEEP, BEEP

Bloody hell!
I bet it's the washing machine.

Where's the washing machine?

BEEP

BEEP

Look, I'm not saying we're
anything like Anna and Toby.

All I'm trying to do is spend
enough quality time together

so that we never do
end up like them.

But it was Anna's idea.

Yes, but does it matter?

Actually, I think it was
the washing machine.

Good.

So can we now enjoy the rest
of the evening with no distractions?

Yeah.

So, sorry, ...

I admit maybe I was a little bit
distracted.

And I'm sorry for not telling you
the real reasons for Anna and Toby

going away.

I can see it upset you.

Certainly left a nasty taste
in my mouth.

Like Anna said to me today,
she and Toby never chose

to be horrible to each other,
but over the years they stopped

communicating and the cracks
started to grow.

And now they do choose
to be horrible to each other.

And as a friend, she just doesn't
want us ever going the same way.

So what you're saying, if there is
something that you consider

an issue, even if it's a very small
problem, don't ignore it.

Get to the root of the problem
and fix it.

OK,
you were right about the beep.

Thank you.

And because I did get to
the root of the problem,

it means that you now have
my undivided attention

for the rest of the evening.

Good.

So, they're off to New York.

Mm.

They've probably made it there
by now.

Well, if you can make it there,
you can make it anywhere.

Well, we don't need to go
to New York because I am happy

to stay here and talk
about our relationship...

...with my beautiful wife
at this beautiful dining table

having this...meal.

Thanks.

And it's not a case of you just
sitting there with me listing

all the things you're doing wrong.

I know.

It's not about never loading
the dishwasher, or not replacing

the toilet roll, or always slamming
doors, or the weird noises you make

when you're breathing,

or the constant scratching
all night long like a gerbil,

or the way... Yeah, I get it.
You don't want to list them.

And I'm the same.

I don't want to start banging
on about how you roll your knickers

on the floor when you take them
off and then just leave them there,

like uneaten croissants
for days on end.

Exactly.

I want to talk about
the good things, too.

In your own time.

The good things?

You're quite good at
opening jam jars.

This is bordering on hero worship.

And you've become very much more
careful with your toenail clippings.

That makes a huge difference.

But most of all, you're loving
and you're a good dad,

and I still fancy you.

This is about demonstrating
how strong our relationship is.

Exactly.

When was the last time
Anna and Toby did that?

Years ago, probably.

When's the last time they pushed
the food to one side and had sex

on the dining table?

That wasn't quite
what I had in mind.

I could clear the table now,
if you like, and put the plates

straight in the dishwasher...

...on a very hot setting.

It needs rinse aid.
And we're back in the room.

I just think, you know,
it'd be nice way to celebrate our

very special evening.

Well, it would certainly be in
keeping with the rest of the night.

You spending ages searching
for something you can't find,

until in the end
I tell you not to bother.

I'll even whisper that special
thing in your ear.

Oh, God!

Oh!

Oh, careful with the teal dinner
service. It's new from John Lewis.

Mummy!

Oh, God!

Mummy!

Will you lie with me
until I go to sleep?

OK, I'm coming.

Hang on, what are you doing?
Going up to lie with Molly.

Oh, what about our, you know,
evening?

I'll only be two minutes.

Sorry, is that your line?

Hey, hang on, hang on.

It's not going to be two minutes,
though, is it?

Because we've been here before.

Molly will take ages to go to sleep

and you will fall asleep
next to her.

And then I will be left
to entertain myself.

I don't mean...

I have to go to her.
Of course you do.

You don't have to lie with her,
do you?

You can tell her to go back
to bed, and then we can carry

on with our very special evening.

Well, I can't just ignore
our daughter. Oh, right.

But I'm supposed to ignore
that beep.

Is this about not getting sex?
No.

It's about spending an evening

talking about our relationship
together.

I mean, obviously, it would be
a nice way to end the evening

if you're still up for it.

I won't be long.

Here, have some more starter.

You have some starter!
I don't want it.

Yeah, you can dish it out,
but you can't take it.

Mummy!

Are you coming?

Stay here, spend some quality time
with your husband

with no distractions

or go up them stairs,
fall asleep next to Molly,

and prove you're a hypocrite.

BEEP

Actually, maybe you should
just go up.

No.

It's OK.

BEEP

We were going to have sex
on the table, weren't we?

BEEP

I know, but I'm willing to be the
grown—up in this situation.

No, I insist.

Get your kit off.

All right. I will.

BEEP

You'll never do it.

Try me.

Mummy, what are you doing?

Aaah!

What's the matter, sweetheart?

Can't you sleep?

I kept hearing a beeping noise.

Just ignore it!

Sorry.

I mean, try and ignore it, darling.

Then I heard you and Dad arguing.

Well, grown—up conversations
are complicated.

Sometimes we disagree,
and then we make up again.

Is that why you were taking
your clothes off?

If you want to go back down
with Dad, I'll understand, you know?

It's important to spend time
together, just the two of you.

You're such a lovely girl, Molly.

But promise not to...
We weren't!

Go on, bed.

Actually, I will have some
more of that starter.

BEEP

I thought you were ignoring it.

BEEP

I am.

So what are you doing up there,
looking for the dishwasher?

BEEP

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Let's find out what's causing
this beep together.

Really?
Yeah.

We're a team. And if it's
bothering you, it's bothering me.

BEEP

See, this is something Anna and Toby
would never do — work as a team

and admit when they're wrong.

Anna's only ever admitted
to one mistake.

What, to Toby?
Yeah.

He's the one mistake
she's admitted to.

I feel sorry for the poor bugger
who sat next to them on the plane.

Yeah. Who needs a film when you can
watch The Texas Chainsaw m*ssacre

being acted out in real life
right next to you.

You know, maybe Anna did us
a favour, you know, telling us

to spend time together.

Was it her idea to have sex
on the dining table?

We're not having sex
on the dining table, Lee.

Why not?
People have Ginsters pasties in bed.

Not normal people.

BEEP

Come down. You're not going to
find anything up there.

BEEP

What's that?
What?

On that shelf over there.
Looks like a phone.

Well, it's not mine.
Mine's in my bag.

It's got to be yours, Lucy,
because I've already told you,

mine is in my bedside drawer.

Well, why would I have two phones?

And why would I keep the other
one up there?

I don't know.

You tell me.

Sorry?

One minute you're acting all weird
and saying that we have to chat

about us over dinner.

Then you tell me to stop
looking up there.

And then I find a hidden phone
up there.

Is this audio description
for the blind

or do you actually have a point?

I know it isn't my phone, Lee,
so it has to be yours.

What's up?

Did you forget where you put it,

and the beeping thing was an excuse
to go searching

for it before I found it?

If it was mine, why would
I tell you that I found it?

Double bluff.

Or you mentioning a double bluff
is a triple bluff.

Or you mentioning a triple bluff
is a quadruple bluff.

Oh, you mentioning a quadruple
bluff is a...

What's five?

Interesting that your other phone
has been in your drawer all night

switched off.

What's the matter? Worried someone
might text that one by mistake?

Oh-ho, you've got balls.

So? You've got man boobs.

Styling it out, pretending
I'm the one with two phones.

Talk about distractions.

What's the ultimate distraction?

Is it going insane
and having paranoid delusions?

Oh, right, so I'm going mad now,
am

That's called gas piping!

It's gaslighting, you pillock.

And it doesn't count when your other
half has actually lost their mind.

I know what gaslighting is.

It's when you go round pretending
that everything's fine,

when it's bleedin' obvious
that everything is awful.

Like dinner.

Oh, I see.

We're bringing up my cooking now,
are we?

Well, it was hard not to bring
it up when I was eating it.

Well, maybe it was deliberately
bad because I didn't want

you having the calories.

What's that supposed to mean?
What do you think it means?

You look like you're about to go
into hibernation.

You cheeky sod!

You ungrateful sh*t!

You two—phoned twat!

It's not my phone!
Right!

Well, let's find out, shall we?

Let's have a look at it.

Fine.

Anything you want to tell me
before we do this?

Yes. Stop eating Wagon Wheels
for breakfast.

About the phone!

No.

Anything you want to tell me?

Great, let's do this the hard way,
shall we?

CREAKING

Aah!

Oooh!

Ooh.

Oh, my God, Lee! Are you OK?

Can you sit up?

I don't think I can move.

Oh, God. Why?

You're kneeling on me arm.

Ooh. Sorry.

Oh, God! Phone an ambulance!

It's pasta sauce.

Oh.

I wondered why
I was haemorrhaging olives.

Oh... Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I don't care about the damage,
as long as you're OK.

Promise? Yes.

Good, cos I'm completely fine.

You know I'm not really cheating,
don't you?

Of course I do.

And I'm not cheating on you.

I know. You can't even see at Cluedo
without me finding out.

I'm sorry...

...for saying it was Colonel
Mustard with the lead piping.

What about accusing me of
having an affair?

That's what I meant.

BEEP

BEEP

Well, at least we now know
what's causing the beep.

It's Anna.

She's texting from Toby's phone.

This one's hers.

So what's it doing in our kitchen?

She must have accidentally got
it wrapped up in the tea towels

she gave me.

Why were the tea towels up there?

I was saving them for best.

Why would you have best tea towels?

They all end up getting manky
and covered in stains anyway.

You've got best pants.

What does it say?

Lucy, if you're reading this,
you've obviously found my phone.

Toby hasn't got your number and Lee
isn't answering his, so I had no way

of contacting you other than this.

Sorry if my phone's been beeping
all day with work messages -

I bet it's been driving Lee mad.

Maybe this place is bugged.

I feel terrible about what I said
to you, Lucy.

I only hinted that you and Lee
had marriage problems

because I was jealous.

What a cow!

I know, I'm a cow.

You and Lee have the best
relationship in the world.

Well, when she says things like
that, I'm glad you do listen to her.

So now what?

Well, dinner's a write—off.

Shame. I bet it was lovely.

Ugh.

Looks like there's only
one thing for it.

Oh, what the hell?

Daddy!

Coming.

Oh...

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪