12x04 - Where There's Muck

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

♪ I will fly a yellow paper sun in your sky

♪ When the wind is high

♪ When the wind is high

♪ I will float a silken silver moon near your window

♪ If your night is dark

♪ If your night is dark

♪ In letters of gold... ♪

- Any post for me, Dad? - No. No.

Right. Breakfast in two minutes?

Dad? Are you OK?

Fine.

'I regret that your appeal to the bank's regional committee

has been unsuccessful.

We therefore...'

Oh, Dad.

How can they do this to you?

They want their money back, Pete. I've lost everything.

Have you spoken to anyone? A solicitor?

Their advice is to sell while prices are high.

I tell you one thing, though.

If I am going out, it'll be with a bang, not a whimper.

It says here that most American men these days

are having what's called a mid-life crisis.

If the symptoms are anything to go by,

I'm having one right now.

Better late than never, eh, Alf?

Right, gentlemen, I have two words for you.

Property found.

Curb your excitement, we are professionals.

The Found Property cupboard is bursting at the seams.

I want all unclaimed items restored to their finders.

"Yes, Sergeant" is the response I'm waiting for.

Oh, nice of you to join us, PC Bellamy.

What is it, Phil?

I don't believe it. First time in t'draw, an' all.

I've won t'Premium Bonds.

♪ Wonderful ♪ That's some kind of wonderful ♪

BANGING UPSTAIRS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi, Vernon.

I thought licensees stayed in bed till lunchtime.

You've got to be joking. With Oscar Blaketon around?

What's that?

It's David,

wrestling with a load of mice in the loft.

They're running rings round him. He doesn't like trapping them.

It's him I've come to see.

I want a couple more jars of his horseradish sauce.

Horseradish?!

Mr Vernon! I've...

- Oh, hello. - David.

- I've caught one! - Eurgh!

Oh, wonderful. It's only taken you an hour.

David, what's this about you and horseradish sauce?

- What are they doing in the barn? - I had to put 'em somewhere.

You'd have moaned at me if I'd put them in the house.

I stuck them in that old wardrobe in here.

Aunty Beth made 'em.

Came on holiday a couple of years ago,

got bored, made two dozen jars.

How much beef did she think you were going to eat?

Is it any good?

It's the best I've ever tasted. Our customers love it.

Pity she didn't leave the recipe.

Could've been the cornerstone of a little cottage industry.

She did leave the recipe.

I'm not sure she'd be happy with us making money from it.

Nonsense, David. Just think about it.

Stockwell's Horseradish Sauce.

And who knows? In time,

Stockwell's Mustard, Stockwell's Cranberry Jelly,

Stockwell's Mint Sauce.

All with your picture on it.

GINA: Erm, before you two get carried away,

I'll have a couple of jars, please.

Oh, yeah, right.

Dad, we need to do some serious talking.

- Not now, son, I'm busy. - Please, Dad.

When I get back!

I promise.

Mr Blaketon, I'm Mark Jenkins.

Ah, yes. You're here for the auction, right?

I'll take this.

Oh, this is Gina Ward.

Ah, the boss! Or so it says over the door.

It's nice to meet you. - Likewise.

I'll show you to your room.

Here we go again.

♪ MUSIC: 'Some Kind Of Wonderful' by The Drifters

Mind if I just pop in here, Alf?

PHIL: Cashing in your winnings, are you?

- I'll be quick. - I'll come with you.

I knew a fellow in Northallerton had a big win.

Triple on the horses.

- He bought himself a yacht. - That's my philosophy. Enjoy it.

ALF: Oh, he did. For three months.

Drowned off the French coast.

Hiya, Karen. There you go, then.

What do you reckon to that? - Gosh, Phil!

I didn't think I knew any wealthy men.

Just got lucky.

So I see.

Phil Rockefeller, they're gonna call me.

Stick with me, you could wear diamonds.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Please!

There's something I want you to hear

before you put too much faith,

not to say money, into this bank.

They're only helpful when you don't need 'em.

When you're in trouble, they don't want to know.

OK, Mr Harvey, let's talk about this outside.

Hang on, Phil. Free country, this is.

Carry on, Richard.

Five years ago, I took out a loan from this bank.

They say I've defaulted on two payments.

When all I've done is ask for more time to pay,

but that's not good enough.

They want their money back, so I have to sell up.

What about the interest I've paid you?

Am I going to get that back? Or will I have to take it?

Well, it's all very well blaming the bank,

but if you sign an agreement...

- Do you read the papers, Phil? - Of course I do.

Then you'll know how much profit this bank made last year.

That's all very well, But I still think we should have stopped him.

Now, listen. We did what we're paid for.

Freedom of speech was upheld, and nobody got hurt.

♪ Wonderful

♪ Wonderful

♪ I know I can't express

♪ This feeling of tenderness

♪ There's so much I want to say

♪ But the right words don't come my way

♪ I just know when I'm in your embrace...

Right!

♪ This world is a happy place... ♪

You're nicked!

I suppose you think that's funny, don't you? Out!

Come on! Out!

Mr Harvey, this was not the best way to get your point across.

So you're on the side of the bank. There's a surprise.

As usual, Mr Harvey, we're pig in the middle.

You said it, not me.

Just a second.

Sergeant, your salary goes in every month, safe as houses.

Not for me. That farm's my life.

Believe it or not, we sympathise.

Then what am I doing here?

Mr Harvey, we want your reassurance that this was a one-off.

Come on, your son's waiting.

- Are you OK, Dad? - Not too bad.

It's surprising what a bit of direct action can do.

Well, as long as there's no repeat performance.

- That's my business. - Make sure it doesn't become ours.

I hope you threw the book at him.

There's nothing relevant in the book.

The bank didn't even want him to clear up the mess he made.

They don't want the publicity.

MERTON: My concern is what he'll do next.

ALF: Sarge?

I'm not convinced we've seen the last of Mr Harvey.

Do you think he has something else planned?

His farm stock is on auction.

Maybe worth letting the auctioneers know what he's been up to,

to keep an eye on him.

- Do you want us to get down there? - Might be a good idea, Bradley.

Right, pending the usual tests,

Stockwell's Horseradish Sauce is about to become a household name.

Well, at least in Yorkshire.

Well, don't jump for joy, either of you.

- How did you wangle that? - Remember Joyce Puddiphat?

You know, her mum used to breed sausage dogs.

I remember the name. Who wouldn't?

Well, she is now Deputy Head Buyer of a big local food company.

I phoned her at : this morning.

By :, I had a jar of horseradish on her desk.

And by :, we were talking turkey.

Tur...? No, that's cranberry jelly, Mr Vernon.

What is?

Oh, never mind.

Anyway, she's as good as told me she'll take jars

by the end of the month.

There's the rub, David. "As good as" told him.

Yes. Well, there is a slight wrinkle.

Where do you buy horseradishes?

You don't buy 'em, you dig 'em up.

They're plants, they grow everywhere.

- You mean, they're free? - Yeah.

Isn't Mother Nature bountiful?

Right, David, dawn tomorrow.

It's you, me, and a spade.

VERNON: ♪ Brum-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

BAAING

Ta.

Here you go, Sarge.

Thanks. Well, it all looks pretty organised.

Morning, gentlemen.

Ah, Mr Carwell, have you met Sgt Merton?

I've not yet had the pleasure. How do you do?

- Mr Carwell. - What can I do for you?

I understand Richard Harvey's stock is being auctioned off.

He's a local farmer, Mr Carswell. Stock's being sold off by the bank.

Mr Harvey's finding the situation difficult to deal with.

We were concerned he might cause trouble.

Can I ask what security arrangements you have in place?

Only a few stewards.

I'm not sure I have time to bring in more.

In the circumstances,

it might be best if one or two of my men came down.

Just to keep an eye on things.

- There you go, Alf. - Thanks, Gina.

So, you're here on your own, Mr Jenkins?

You didn't bring the family along?

Er...just myself, I'm afraid.

Hoping to pick up a few bargains at the auction.

It's going to be a very busy day, I hear.

The biggest market we've had for years.

Best of luck.

So, have you got a family, then, Mark?

No. My brother's the one.

Married three times. He's only .

Oh, what about you, then?

GIGGLES

Smitten, is she?

Well, if she is, she's in for a disappointment.

He says he's a farmer from near Ludlow.

He's no more a farmer than you or me.

How do you know?

His hands, Alf. Just take a look at them.

They're more like a girl's than a farmer's.

Well, a gentleman farmer, maybe.

MUSIC: 'On A Saturday' by Keith West

MERTON: Own up, Jen. You've lost us.

I know exactly where we are...

Well, what I mean is, there are three options.

If that road, there, is this road, here,

then that's where we are. On the other hand...

Oh, no. You come out for a walk

in the middle of nowhere and your neighbours follow you.

Yeah, but at least they'll know where we are.

♪ Now the season is rapidly changing

♪ It's alive and warm...

David!

Oh! Hello, Miss Latimer. Sergeant

- David. - Hi, we're just... What's that?

It's a mouse. Well, this is George.

Right.

Yeah, he used to live in our loft, but his squeaking,

and the squeaking of all the other ones,

was keeping Mr Vernon awake.

So, now, I'm rehousing him...

Oh, heck.

Do you mind if I, erm, borrow your...

♪ Happiness on a Saturday

♪ Sunny Saturday

♪ I met you

Sorry, George.

This is not a nice neighbourhood.

David.

CAR DOOR SLAMS

ENGINE STARTS

Did a man just drive up with a mouse called George,

talk rubbish for ten seconds, then go away again?

He did. And we didn't even ask him where we are.

♪ When I wake in the morning I see you

♪ Simply standing there... ♪

- Here you are. - Thanks, Mr Blaketon.

- One for yourself. - Oh, no, thanks.

So, Gina, where's your new friend, then?

He's having an early night, Oscar.

- OK? - An early night?!

I think I remember them.

Hey, Alf, what were you saying about gentleman farmers?

I can see Bellamy on a country estate

with, er, servants to fetch and carry.

What are you talking about?

Money, lad. Sudden windfalls.

It's an orange juice for me, a pint for Mike,

and whatever these two scroungers want, please, Gina.

Go on, I'll have one with you. No hard feelings, eh?

Hey, Richard, I think you've had enough.

What's up, Oscar? You don't want me upsetting the punters?

Your auction crowd? Bargain hunters?

Hoping to get my stock at a knock-down price, are you?

Swoop down like ruddy vultures.

Well, it's not going to happen.

Look at this.

Coppers everywhere, poking their noses in

when innocent folk are trying to make a point.

If I were you, Mr Harvey, I'd ask Gina for a black coffee.

Oh, "Ask Gina for a black coffee."

You weren't looking so dapper this morning, were you?

Outside the bank. LAUGHS

Right, that's it. Come on!

OK, lads. Take it easy. Come on, Richard.

Get your coat on! Best you were off home.

How come you let him get so drunk in the first place, Oscar?

He's having a hard time. I was making allowances.

I think he's made one allowance too many.

I'll take him home for you, Mr Ventress. I'm passing the farm.

That's very kind, but I think PC Bellamy and I

will get Mr Harvey safely home. Right, Phil?

Right. Come on.

Let's see if we can get him in my car.

♪ All I need

♪ All I need

♪ Is a friend

♪ Someone to give me

♪ A helping hand... ♪

Hang on a minute, Phil. I'll get him in. Come on.

- Dad! - It's OK, Pete.

We only had to stop off once, but otherwise...

Blaketon rang and said he was pretty far gone.

- Get off me. I'm fine. - Let's get you in here.

♪ It's all right... ♪

I'm sorry, Pete. I'm really sorry.

All this was meant to be for you.

You've given me everything I need, Dad.

Now, stay there and behave yourself.

He's, erm, going through a bit of a rough patch, your dad.

I know. I can't bear to see him like this.

What's he going to do? Try and start up again?

I don't know.

Well, look, I'd best be going, I'm afraid.

- You're going to be OK? - Yeah, it'll be fine.

And thanks.

♪ The sons in the windmill had christenings

♪ When no-one was listening they all sang in chorus

♪ "How lucky we am living in a windmill in old Amsterdam"

♪ I saw a mouse! Where?

♪ There on the stair... ♪

Oh, yeah. Yeah, this will do nicely.

♪ A little mouse with clogs on

♪ Well, I declare

♪ Going clip-clippety-clop on the stair...

So long, George.

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ A mouse lived in a windmill

♪ So snug and so nice

♪ There's nobody there now but a whole lot of mice... ♪

Keep 'em peeled.

♪ Oh, yeah...

VERNON: David, you know that song about mice,

and clogs, and windmills?

DAVID: Oh, yeah, I like that one.

Yes, well, they ended up with thousands of 'em.

Just as we will, if you catch them at the rate of one a week.

What are you saying? I should work faster?

I'm saying we should get a cat.

A...?

A cat? I can't do that, Mr Vernon!

It'd k*ll 'em!

Oh, never mind.

Horseradish.

Aye, well, it's there.

What, is that it? Not much to look at, is it?

Well, looks aren't everything.

- Are you sure that's horseradish? - Positive.

Right, then.

I'll leave you to it.

I've got a meeting with Whitby Bottling at :.

Hey, you won't forget about the labels!

You know, with my picture on 'em!

All in hand, David.

MUSIC: 'Now That I've Found You' by The Foundations

PHIL: Right.

, camera...

brought in by...

MIKE: Henry Butterworth.

You all right there, Alf?

This is not a job for three of us.

♪ You don't need me

♪ Baby... ♪

,

dentures, top and bottom,

brought in by...Harry Cartwright.

I recognise the smile.

Oh, Sarge, I wonder if I should go and have a word

with Richard Harvey.

Aye, Bellamy told me about last night.

Well, if he's thinking of doing anything daft,

I'd like to nip it in the bud.

And, er...you're going to come back and help us when you're finished?

You two seem to be doing very well on your own. Off you go, Ventress.

DISTANT BAAING

- Not as young as we were, Alf. - Speak for yourself.

This is where I find I've...left my fags in the car.

So...

you made it back in one piece, then?

Aye, thanks to your lot.

It's nothing personal, whatever I said last night.

I know.

Maybe you should ease up.

You know, rearrange any plans that you might have.

You've come as a copper, Alf, to sound me out.

More as a friend.

My plans, as you call them, have gone too far.

Too far?

All you did was get drunk and spray a building.

It needed cleaning, anyway.

Too far up here. I've crossed a line.

And they've built a wall behind me.

No going back.

Where do you reckon all this is going to lead, Richard?

To justice.

years we took to build up this place.

Three months it's taken some bank

to knock it down again.

What would Mary say?

She stood behind me like a one-man army.

Fought off all comers.

She'd say, "Do what you have to."

You'll be all right, you know, Richard.

Fresh start, and all that.

♪ I took my troubles down to Madame Ruth

♪ You know, that Gypsy with the gold-capped tooth... ♪

What's next, Mr Scripps?

♪ Selling little bottles of Love Potion Number Nine... ♪

It says here, 'Mix well,

then let it stand for two hours,

adding the secret ingredient gradually.'

Where's the secret ingredient?

♪ I've been this way since ... ♪

Didn't either of you think of opening a window in here?

♪ Love Potion Number Nine... ♪

Oh, do you know,

it never ceases to amaze me that people eat this stuff.

What's next?

Mincing. Half a barrel load.

What about the, er...

secret ingredient?

Go on, then. Gradually.

- Navy Rum? - I reckon it's

to deaden the pain of eating it.

Did you get the jars?

on the truck. The rest will be there on Monday.

What about the labels? You know, with my picture on 'em.

I've told you, David, all in hand.

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

- Er, morning. - Morning, Alf.

Er...I was wondering

if Dr Summerbee could squeeze me in.

Between patients, that is.

- Hello, Alf. - Hello.

- What can I do for you? - Er...

Well, I...

I'm not sure.

In fact, I...

I might even have overstepped the mark.

Right, well, that's got my attention.

Richard Harvey. Do you know him?

Yeah, of course.

He's not been to see me since his wife died, and that's about...

Well, a couple of years ago. You've heard the latest?

The bank. Mike mentioned it.

Well, the thing is that er...

I had a conversation with him this morning, and, er...

it didn't really hang together.

Do you think he might have a problem?

Well...

I think he might do something stupid,

reckless.

And I can stop him?

Well,

let me put it this way.

Mrs Ventress' sister has these pills.

'Mother's little helpers', they call them.

They bring her right down off the ceiling.

And if you knew her,

you'd see what a tribute to medical science it is.

I'm not sure that I'd be much help, Alf.

But I will pop up later

and have a chat, see what I can do.

I wondered if you could do me a favour.

Sounds ominous.

No, no, just wondered if you could make something for me.

I'll do my best.

It's for on the front of the tractor.

Metal, obviously. Strong.

What's it for?

Well, there's a couple of old buildings on the place.

I need to knock 'em down before I sell.

- Safety, you know. - Safety?

Yeah, I see.

Thanks, Bernie. You're a friend.

Has she got her eye on someone?

Yes, that Mark Jenkins.

You don't sound very happy about it.

He just worries me, Alf.

He's not a farmer. Not one that works for a living.

Have you seen his car?

You might have a point,

but I don't think I can question him

on the grounds he's got soft hands and a nice car.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Well, I'd best be off.

Going already, Alf?

No peace for the wicked, Gina.

TYPING

Knock, knock.

Got time for a quick word, Constable?

For you, definitely.

Anything to distract me from the joys of lost property.

Everything all right?

Hm, Alf came to see me about Richard Harvey.

He wants me to have a talk to him.

Yeah, Alf's pretty concerned. They go back a long way.

I'm not sure what he thinks I can do.

It feels strange just turning up there unannounced.

Yeah, not one of your more usual house visits, I admit,

but, erm, look, Alf's only trying to help, Tricia.

Yeah, I know, you're probably right.

I'm sure a quiet chat wouldn't do any harm,

and if there's anything you can say to calm him down, that'd be great.

OK.

MUSIC: 'Don't Bring Me Down' by The Pretty Things

♪ I'm on my own

♪ Just want to roam

♪ I'll tell you, man

♪ Don't want no home

♪ I wander round

♪ Feet off the ground

♪ I even go

♪ From town to town

♪ I said I think this rock is grand

♪ Say I'll be your man

♪ Don't bring me down, man

♪ Don't bring me down

♪ I met this chick

♪ The other day

♪ And then to me

♪ She said she'll stay

♪ I get this pad

♪ Just like a cave

♪ And then we'll have... ♪

- Can I help you, Mr Blaketon? - Ah, Mr Jenkins.

Er, yes, I was, er, just looking for the used towels.

Oh, they're in the bathroom, behind you.

Oh, right, yes, er... the obvious place.

The clean ones.

And take my advice, don't grow old.

I'll try not to.

Come on, Dad.

I hate to see you get like this.

- We'll be all right. - We won't, though, lad, will we?

What would your mother have thought?

Watching everything we've worked for being sold off

to a pack of bargain hunters!

Don't t*rture yourself.

The auctioneers,

they'll get the best prices they can.

Perhaps it would be better

if you don't go down there.

If you think I'm going to sit quietly here

while they rob me blind, you can think again!

No chance, lad.

Hello, Alf.

I was just passing, thought I'd drop in.

Oscar.

I was in Mr Jenkins' room this morning.

Oh, aye?

It seems he's exactly who he says he is.

He left a driving licence in a jacket pocket.

Mark James Jenkins,

Preston Farm, Ludlow.

I guess we got it wrong, Alf.

Well, thanks for letting me know. We must be losing our touch.

I still think he's a funny one, though.

There's just something doesn't ring true about him.

I'll see you.

- What was all that about, Alf? - Er, Mark James Jenkins.

The name rings a bell.

I can't remember where I heard it, though.

Well, he's a farmer who's come up for the auction,

but not a local fellow.

No, no, the name's familiar.

I'll run a check on it, if you like.

There's nothing in it.

But no harm, I suppose.

I'll put a call in, see what they come up with.

SIZZLING

VERNON YAWNS

Hello, Mr Vernon.

Do you want one sausage or...?

- What are you staring at? - Oh, no, n...nothing.

Good. Two, please.

You're still doing it!

What?

Staring! What's the matter?

Mr Vernon,

have...have you ever had, um...

chickenpox?

Of course I have!

HE SCREAMS

Right, Mr Cartwright.

Well, we'll see you when we see you, then.

No, you can ask for them at the front desk.

HE SIGHS

- Problem? - No, that was Harry Cartwright.

He brought these in four months ago

and he wants to pop in and see if they fit him.

Good old Harry. Waste not, want not.

Your friend Richard Harvey,

he doesn't seem to have calmed down much.

He's got the press involved now.

He's having a difficult time, Sarge.

So everyone keeps telling me.

I promised Mr Carwell a few extra bodies

just in case of trouble, why don't you go down there, Alf?

Keep an eye on him.

Mr Scripps! He says you've got to come right away!

- Who does? - Mr Vernon!

He says if he's got it, then I'm going to have it,

and if I've got it, you're going to have it!

And then the whole village will have it!

What?

I...I don't know.

Same for me, please.

I'll do those, Richard.

Thanks all the same, Alf. I'm not a charity case yet.

Of course not.

PHONE RINGS

Ashfordly Police.

Speaking.

Yeah, that's right. Jenkins.

J-E-N-K-I-N-S.

Well, just whatever you've got on him, really.

Great. Thanks. Bye.

Mike, you couldn't lend us a fiver, could you, till payday?

Why? Don't rich people carry change?

What is all this about me being loaded?

Your Premium Bonds. Hey, when are you leaving the job?

Leaving? Mike, it was quid!

With my outstanding bills and everybody adding to my bar tab,

I've pretty much used it all.

MERTON: Bellamy!

Ventress is at the auction market. I want you there with him, please.

Keep an eye on things. - Right, Sarge.

I just don't like it, Alf.

There's too many strange folk knowing my business.

Well, it's a bad time for you, Richard.

But at least you've got Peter there for you.

Aye. Poor lad.

He should be away doing his studies,

not back here worrying about me.

Well, he...he wants to help.

He took it hard, you know, losing his mother.

- And now his dad's failed him. - Oh, come on,

Richard.

I've lost what should've been his.

You were never one for self-pity before.

I know, but...

Wainwright.

The bloke who's just bought my flock.

He looks a bit too pleased with himself.

Well, he paid a good price for it, you know.

For a few sheep, aye.

But not for years' work!

I shouldn't have come.

Maybe not.

I'm sorry to drag you out, Doctor. But he's convinced he's dying.

- Oh, dear. Where is he? - Taken to his bed.

Which is upstairs.

What's that smell?

Horseradish sauce.

Oh, yeah, Stockwell's Horseradish Sauce.

David, show the doctor upstairs. I'll put the kettle on.

- Would you like to, um...? - Thanks.

Sorry, you go on.

Well, your chest sounds all right, even if it doesn't look it.

No temperature, blood pressure's normal.

It's a bit of a mystery.

Doctor, do you think it could be... anything to do with age, you know?

In what way?

Well, I read that article in the Ashfordly Gazette

about mid-life crisis...

I'll m*rder that features editor!

You're the fifth or sixth man who's seen me about it this week.

- Have you eaten anything unusual? - Have I, David?

Well, you had shepherd's pie last night,

but the same old stuff went into it.

What about this horseradish?

I certainly haven't eaten any of that!

I can't stand the stuff!

You have, Mr Vernon. Well, you had a taste.

- Oh, yeah, a taste. - Have you never had it before?

- No. - Well, that might be your answer.

I'd say you're allergic to it.

MUSIC: 'Boom Boom' by The Animals

All going according to plan, Mr Carwell?

Yes, the money's flowing in.

Are those bobbies keeping their eye on things?

As far as I know.

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Gonna sh**t you right down

♪ Take you in my arms

♪ I'm in love with you... ♪

- Everything all right, Alf? - Oh, all quiet.

Any sign of your friend Richard?

He's fine. I don't reckon he'll be any trouble.

Really?

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly, yes. Bye-bye.

Yes?

Sarge, I think there might be more trouble

than we bargained for at the auction.

I just got a C-R-O report back

about a Mark Jenkins staying at the Aidensfield Arms.

What's his story?

Did months for violent theft and drug offences,

got out last year, and started dealing again.

There's a warrant for his arrest in London.

Right.

Best try and round him up, then. Any idea what he's doing up here?

Alf said he was here for the auction,

but he'd got a feeling that something didn't add up.

Let's go down to the market, then. Radio Ventress, let him know.

Will do, Sarge.

♪ Come on and shake...

Right, Mike. I'd no idea it was anything so serious.

Look, we'll keep an eye open for him till you get here.

Out.

Do you know, what I like about the whole idea of horseradish is,

there's a fortune to be made out of what people don't eat,

what they leave on their plate.

There's a business beauty about that, you must agree.

The fact that you can't eat it shouldn't make any difference.

Not from the business angle, that is.

I suppose not.

Still, it's not a very good advert, me looking like this, is it?

Aye, I see what you mean.

AUCTIONEER: Sold to Storey, £.

Mr Harvey, I've got a question.

It's a bit awkward, really.

Get on with it, lad. You're hardly shy.

It's just, there was you sinking whiskies in the pub,

but Pete says you're skint, can't pay your bills.

What I can or can't do is none of your business.

I'm just trying to help.

Here, have a few quid on me.

♪ Come on and shake

♪ Shake it up, baby

♪ Come on now, baby

♪ Come on and shake...

Excuse me, Henry.

♪ Come on, come on

♪ All right, all right

♪ Shake, shake, shake it up, baby

♪ Shake, shake, shake it up baby...

Peter?

What are you doing here?

Is this Mark Jenkins' car? How well do you know Mark Jenkins?

I don't. I only met him yesterday.

This is serious.

Your dad wouldn't want you hanging round bad types.

What's he done?

Nothing of any concern to you.

Now, you'd best get yourself off.

- Stay out of trouble. - Right you are, Mr Ventress.

Sorry if I've caused you any bother.

Get yourself home, Peter!

And stay away from Mark Jenkins!

- What was all that about? - Ask him.

All I did was pass the time of day, and this is what I get.

Go home, Mr Harvey.

Good afternoon, sir. Can I help you?

You can indeed.

The keys to the safe...please.

Open it.

ALARM RINGS

I will.

Believe me.

You could sh**t one of us, Mark,

and be locked up for the rest of your life.

Or you could just put the g*n down.

♪ Conquistador your stallion stands

♪ In need of company

♪ And like some angel's haloed brow

♪ You reek of purity

♪ I see your armour-plated breast

♪ Has long since lost it's sheen

♪ And in your death-mask face

♪ There are no signs which can be seen

♪ Though I hoped for something to find

♪ I could see no maze to unwind

♪ Conquistador a vulture sits

♪ Upon your silver shield

♪ And in your rusty scabbard now

♪ The sand has taken seed

♪ And though your jewel-encrusted blade...

LAUGHS

♪ Has not been plundered still...

- Mr Harvey! - Who's ill?

Well, nobody, but...

So what are you here for? It isn't convenient!

I'm on my way out!

Yeah, I can see that. Where are you going?

To get my money back, Doctor.

And this here is my withdrawal slip.

All filled out and ready to go.

Mr Harvey, wait!

Richard!

♪ I must pay my respects

♪ And though I came to jeer at you... ♪

This all seems a little out of your league, Mr Jenkins.

I mean, armed robbery?

I thought dealing dr*gs to teenagers is more your style.

Why the career change?

- Someone made me a good offer. - Really?

Perhaps you could enlighten us what that offer was.

Ask Peter Harvey.

- Harvey. - Yeah.

I met him on campus.

I was selling to some of his student mates.

There was a job he wanted doing.

Offered a hefty cut of the proceeds.

So Peter Harvey hired you

to carry out an armed robbery on the auction?

It doesn't ring true to me.

Except he is pretty desperate to help his father, Sarge.

He said it was payback time.

Right then, Bradley.

Best bring young Peter in for a little chat.

Sarge.

PHONE RINGS

Come in!

Ashfordly Police.

Sarge, I've heard that Mark Jenkins has identified

Peter Harvey as his accomplice.

More than that, actually. He claims he was hired by Harvey.

Seems a bit far-fetched,

but we need to bring the lad in anyway.

Well, um...

I think there may be some truth in what Jenkins is saying.

- Really, Alf? - Well, I...found Harvey,

outside the auction, sitting in Jenkins' car.

While Jenkins was robbing the place?

Well, he must have been.

Well, I thought the young lad had just got in with a bad 'un,

and I gave him an earful.

- And sent him on his way? - Mm.

- Well done, Alf. - I'm sorry, Sarge.

I'd no idea that young Peter was involved with anything like this.

Well, we'll see what the lad has to say for himself,

but things are looking bleak for him now.

Yeah. All right, Mike.

His son's here. I'll bring him down.

I'll meet you there. - Tricia?

- Bye. - What's happened?

- What are you doing here? - Peter, your dad's in trouble.

- What's wrong? Where is he? - I'll explain on the way.

On the way to where? I was just going...

Peter, your dad seems very unstable.

I couldn't calm him down. We need to find him

before he does something serious.

Come on, let's get after him.

Sarge, Harvey's heading for the bank on a tractor.

Trish thinks he'll ram it.

Better try and stop him before he reaches town.

Leave Bellamy to keep an eye on things here.

MUSIC: 'It's My Life' by The Animals

♪ It's a hard world to get a break in

♪ All the good things have been taken

♪ But girl, there are ways to make certain things pay

♪ Though I'm dressed in these rags

♪ I'll wear sable some day

♪ Hear what I say

♪ I'm gonna ride that serpent

♪ No more time spent

♪ Sweatin' rent

♪ Hear my command

♪ I'm breakin' loose

♪ And ain't no use

♪ Holdin' me down...

I don't think he's going to stop, Sarge.

Dad!

♪ But baby, remember... ♪

Dad!

Please!

Don't do this! Dad, please!

PHIL: What do we do about Peter?

Let's just hold back a moment, shall we?

Dad.

TURNS ENGINE OFF

All right. Come on, Richard.

This is not going to solve anything.

It's all over, Dad, there's nothing else we can do. I'm sorry, Dad.

Peter Harvey, we're investigating an armed robbery.

We think you can help us.

What are they talking about?

Peter?

Son!

ALF: It's family loyalty, Richard.

That lad would do anything to see you all right.

You'd best come with us, as well.

And if he's straight with us, he'll be let out on bail.

David, break out the champagne!

Or failing that, go get some beers from the pantry.

What's to celebrate?

Mrs Jones thinks our horseradish sauce is the bee's knees.

Who's Mrs Jones?

She is your average housewife, pushing a trolley round

any supermarket north of Birmingham.

She has been market researched,

and she prefers this brand to any other.

Accordingly, we have been bought out.

For a tidy little sum.

And the food company want first refusal

on our mint sauce.

We haven't got a mint sauce.

VERNON: We soon will have, Bernard.

Hey, hang on.

I thought the labels were going to have my name on them.

This says Scripps Horseradish.

Ah, yes, well, it was the printers.

They couldn't fit it in. Too many letters.

My picture was too big to go on, an' all, was it?

It's to do with trade descriptions.

You couldn't have my name and your picture.

I mean, we could have been prosecuted for misleading people.

Why could he be prosecuted?

Because, Bernard, for various reasons,

mainly to do with income tax, the company's in his name!

You're pulling a fast one! Even on friends and family!

Bernard, the lad's got money in the bank!

As directors of Scripps Sauces, we all have!

And I'll tell you something else. What can you hear?

- Nothing. - Precisely.

The fumes from the horseradish has done for the mice!

I'll tell you, with a proper business plan,

the days of the humble mousetrap could well be numbered.