♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?
♪ Heartbeat
♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪
OSCAR: Right, get all this lot round the back.
MUSIC: 'Button Up Your Overcoat' by Joe Loss & His Orchestra
- Blimey, is that her? - Yes, presumably.
How did he manage to marry someone like that?
VERNON: Is that Lord Ashfordly? MIKE: Looks like it.
Looks like the rumours are true and all.
Hard to imagine Ashfordly with a wife.
David, his lordship's back. Let's be having you.
MIKE: What's he in such a rush about?
Christmas trees.
Well, most people have got theirs by now.
That's why he's in a rush.
Here comes trouble.
Mrs Jowett, how are you?
Not good, I'm afraid, Constable Bradley.
My poor, dear sister Emily passed away yesterday evening
in Ashfordly General.
MIKE: I'm sorry to hear that.
We did hope she might live to see one more Christmas
but it was not to be.
Which is why I'm in need of your services, Mr Scripps.
My sincere condolences, Mrs Jowett.
- Thank you, darling. - Well, here it is.
Oh, Charlie, it's splendid. Not in the least bit old-fashioned.
Wait till you encounter the plumbing.
Now, let me introduce you.
This is Mrs Kellett, our housekeeper.
My wife, Lady Ashfordly.
I'm very pleased to see you, your ladyship.
Oh, Mrs Kellett,
it is I who am extremely pleased to see you.
You can't imagine how nervous I've been.
A great big house like this.
I shall have to rely on you entirely.
Whatever I can do to help, your ladyship.
You're all going to have to be terribly patient with me.
I'm awful with names.
Just as long as you remember mine!
- Now, who were you, again? - Yes, indeed. Shall we go in?
We'll have a problem arranging something before Christmas.
I've had a word with the vicar. I'm a churchwarden, as you know.
He thinks he may be able to fit us in between the nativity play
and the carol concert.
That doesn't leave much time.
I've every faith in you, Mr Scripps.
Now, as to the arrangements,
the casket will, of course, have to be custom-built.
Difficult at such short notice.
But I do have in stock some very nice solid pine.
Mr Scripps, I have no intention of burying my poor, dear sister
in a ready-made, off-the-peg coffin.
No, no, of course not.
SONG: 'Love Is A Many Splendoured Thing'
Shall we?
From the first moment I set eyes on you,
this is what the orchestra was playing.
I sent for it specially.
You're just an old romantic at heart, aren't you?
I never was till I met you.
And to think, I nearly didn't go on that cruise.
When Aunt Fanny suggested it,
I thought, "A month stuck on a boat..."
A ship, darling.
She said it would be good for my health.
Slow me down a bit.
I don't think she expected me to fall in love and marry
before we'd even docked.
I think we took everyone by surprise.
Including the captain.
I can't believe he'd never married anyone before.
Well, I think...
..that was the most romantic part.
KNOCK AT DOOR
- Oh! I... - Well, come in, Mrs Kellett.
It's all right. - It's Mr Scripps. He...
Wanted to be the first to congratulate your lordship,
and welcome your lovely wife to Aidensfield.
ASHOFRODLY: This, darling, is Mr Scripps.
VERNON: Vernon Scripps, your ladyship.
I'm a business associate of your husband's,
which is why I am...
precipitating myself into your presence.
Well, I'm delighted to meet you, Mr Scripps.
And this is my assistant, David.
Well, come on in, David. Don't be shy.
I won't bite.
I...
- I... - He's very pleased to meet you.
I never thought his lordship would come back with someone like her.
David!
That's the nicest compliment I've had since I arrived.
Thank you, David.
Christmas is fast approaching, your lordship.
And I wondered if we still had a deal. Christmas trees.
I suppose if I don't let you cut them and sell them,
you'll pinch them anyway, which is what he did last year.
A most unfortunate misunderstanding.
I'd almost forgotten about Christmas.
Well, we must definitely have a party.
Oh, that would be wonderful. I do so want to meet everyone.
It would be the perfect opportunity.
Well, in that case we'll have a ball,
a Christmas ball, and we'll invite everyone.
The entire village.
And they can all see what a lucky man I am.
Oh, Charlie.
That's a wonderful idea.
- A Christmas ball? - It's what Vernon said.
Everyone's going to be invited.
It sounds fantastic.
The last time they had a do like that,
must have been before the w*r.
Well, here's to her ladyship.
- What's she like, Vernon? - Hang on a sec.
trees at ten shillings.
She's what I'd call fragrant.
Her presence fills the room. You can tell she's a real lady.
SONG: 'Little Drummer Boy'
♪ Come they told me
♪ Parapapampam ♪
You know, I don't think I've ever been so happy.
How can you say that? Bing's a nice enough chap,
but his wife's the most crashing bore.
I've never been able to say more than five words to her.
- The champagne helped. - And that ghastly dog.
Do you think they approved of me?
Darling, they were bowled over.
What the deuce?
BRAKES SQUEAL
They parked right across the road.
Put that ruddy thing out!
Wallet, watch, her jewels in the bag now!
MERTON: We don't exactly have much to go on.
Lord Ashfordly thought they were medium build.
But her ladyship reckoned one was bigger than the other.
Possibly a double-barrelled shotgun.
MIKE: White van, no distinguishing marks.
Probably two chancers halfway to London by now.
Probably, Ventress.
Nevertheless, I want you to do the rounds of the local guesthouses,
B&Bs, pawnbrokers, any suspicious characters,
two blokes who drive a white van.
That narrows it down to half the painters and decorators
in Yorkshire.
A little more enthusiasm wouldn't go amiss, Bellamy.
Yes, sarge.
No, I've got you. Come on, nearly there.
Over that one. Down. Down. That's right.
And open your eyes now.
Oh, Charlie!
It's gorgeous!
Well, you need a little runabout in the countryside.
The Bentley's too cumbersome
and I don't think a Land Rover's quite your style, darling.
But it's hardly a runabout. It must have cost a fortune.
You spoil me, you know.
And why shouldn't I?
Come on, then. Let's go for a spin.
Darling, I'd love to
but I'm afraid I promised the estate manager
I'd have a word with him.
Things have piled up a bit since we've been away. You go.
Are you sure?
Absolutely. Don't drive too fast and watch out for sheep.
They think they own the place.
Bye-bye, darling. Ooh.
♪ And I see, See See Rider
♪ I love you, yes I do
♪ And there isn't one thing darlin'
♪ I would not do for you
♪ You know I want you See See
♪ I need you by my side
♪ See See Rider, keep me satisfied
♪ Oh See See Rider
♪ See See Rider
♪ See See Rider
♪ See See Rider
HORN HOOTS
♪ See See Rider
HORN BLARES ♪ See See Rider
♪ Keep on riding
♪ Keep on riding
♪ Yeah! ♪
I don't know what you think you're playing at,
but I'm telling you, I've had quite enough of it.
Harry, the trees are from the Ashfordly estate.
They're freshly cut.
No, they are not nicked!
You will not find trees of this quality
at a lower price, I'm telling you.
Oh!
Gina!
All right, love. Come in. Sit yourself down there.
GINA: What happened to you?
I'm s... I'm such a fool.
I was h*jacked on the moors.
GINA: What?
They stole my car.
SONG: 'Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree'
♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party hop
♪ Mistletoe hung where you can see every couple tries to stop...
Timber!
♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree
♪ Let the Christmas spirit ring
♪ Later we'll have some pumpkin pie and we'll do some carolling
♪ You will get a sentimental feeling... ♪
Tim...
They must have been watching Ashfordly Hall,
saw her leave and followed her.
- Was she badly hurt? - Just cuts and bruises.
I'm surprised these villains have hung around for so long.
Quick opportunistic hit, then they move on.
That's the MO I would've expected.
Yeah, but why just target the Ashfordlys though?
Local gentry, live in a big house,
it's a fair assumption they have something worth stealing.
- Any luck? - Not a dickybird, sarge.
We stopped four white vans
and apart from a defective tyre and an out-of-date tax disc,
all above board.
Anyone for a brew?
You haven't got time for tea drinking, Ventress.
Lady Ashfordly's just had her new sports car stolen.
If it's still anywhere at all in the locality,
you're going to find it.
MUSIC: 'Ten Swingin' Bottles' by Pete Chester & The Consulates
Solid English oak.
Couldn't build you anything better if I had six months to do it in.
Yes, yes, but the handles are a little garish, aren't they?
- I could change them. - At no extra charge, I trust.
I'm not made of money, Mr Scripps.
Anyway, I would've thought, as a churchwarden,
I'm entitled to a discount.
I don't do discounts.
As a rule... - As a churchwarden,
I am in a position to put a lot of business your way.
And people often like a personal recommendation
from a satisfied customer.
DAVID: Mr Scripps!
Mr Vernon's gonna k*ll us.
David.
I've had to walk here from the woods.
Can you not see I'm busy.
- But it looks like it might rain. - Shoo!
Sorry about that. He can be a bit insistent.
Shall we say ten percent, then?
It's not like I haven't driven it before.
I've driven it loads of times.
Mr Scripps is always with me but...
If I don't do something soon, Mr Vernon's going to blow his top.
Go on, Alfred, get in.
Budge over, I'll drive.
Damn it, Merton.
We've got two masked men running around the neighbourhood
armed with a shotgun.
They can't be that difficult to catch, can they?
They've got to be staying somewhere, some B&B,
or guesthouse or something.
I have looked into that, your lordship.
Well, I want them caught, and in the meantime,
I want my wife to have police protection.
I appreciate your concern,
but I don't have the manpower to provide a personal bodyguard.
Well, you'd better find it, hadn't you?
If you can't catch these villains,
the least you can do is make sure my wife's not a victim again.
We're doing our best to catch them but if I take a man out to guard...
It's a reasonable request in the circumstances,
and if there is a problem with it,
I'm more than happy to take it up with the chief constable.
That won't be necessary...
..your lordship.
This is marvellous, Gina. I really like the idea of melon.
Ah, Mrs Kellett! Thank you so much.
Whilst you're here,
perhaps you could give us some advice.
We're going to have to take on some temporary staff.
It shouldn't be a problem.
A bit of extra cash is always welcome this time of year.
I won't have a problem getting help with the food.
It's more waiters and that sort of thing.
I could make yoour ladyship a list of them we've had before,
that we know are reliable.
Splendid!
I don't think Aidensfield's ever seen anything quite like this before!
Everyone's talking about it.
A Christmas to remember.
I think that's what we all want.
Constable Bradley's here.
He'll take care of you until these damn rascals are caught.
What?
You mean I'm going to have a minder?
Well, just a precaution, my dear.
MIKE: Only when you leave the house.
We thought I could maybe pose as your chauffeur.
Oh, Charlie, is that absolutely necessary?
It's the only way I can ensure your safety, my darling.
I really don't think they'll come back again.
Well, they could.
They've done very well out of you so far.
Also, they might think it's the last thing anyone would expect.
Come on, Frank. There's not a car changes hands without you knowing.
I don't touch anything dodgy. You know that. It's not worth it.
A Scimitar, hardly been driven? Must be tempting for somebody.
Yeah. I heard what Ashfordly paid for it and all.
Tell us what else you know, then.
I heard there'd been some car-ringing going on.
A lad called Terry. Got a lockup down in Bat Lane.
If anyone's heard about it, he might.
ALF: Ta.
VERNON: David, you are a prize pillock, and no mistake.
Sorry, Mr Vernon.
Why didn't you wait for Bernard?
Well, because he was busy burying Mrs Jowett's sister.
I thought it'd be dark by the time he's finished.
I can't really see much,
what with all this mud, but it doesn't look too good to me.
Well, just get it shifted.
Get it back to the garage and get it fixed.
I've got a funeral to arrange.
She's very particular is Joyce Jowett.
And I've got a list of orders as long as my arm!
Christmas trees, Bernard, that won't deliver themselves!
Now, let's get cracking!
You'd have to empty it before I can even try and tow it.
Well, let's get it emptied then!
I thought you just hooked it on.
I've seen you do it hundreds of times.
It's what you hook it onto, David, that's the crucial bit.
Yeah, I just do a few repairs for mates.
MOTs, that sort of thing.
ALF: If someone wanted to sell you a new sports car for cash,
you wouldn't take it?
I don't have that sort of cash.
You could change the number plates. You could sell it on.
You'd make quite a bit.
I told you. I do MOTs.
Well, this one doesn't look like it needs an MOT.
It looks nearly new.
It's not mine.
This bloke just asked me to keep it for him.
- Tell us about him. - I dunno. He's just a bloke.
Came round with his mate.
Who drove a white van?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, he did.
Sergeant Merton, you're a wonder.
I don't suppose you made any arrests to go with it, did you?
- We have a detailed description. - Splendid.
You see, darling? Sgt Merton and PC Bradley are sorting this out.
I think you've been far too harsh on them.
One of the men is mid-s, thick-set, bit of a bruiser.
The other's a bit old, mid-s but more of a gent.
That's how our witness described them.
Now, all you've got to do is find them.
We were wondering, Lady Ashfordly,
if either of those descriptions rang a bell.
No. Should it?
Probably not, but there may be someone.
A former employee, perhaps.
Someone with a grudge against you.
- Against me? - These may not be random att*cks.
They may be targeting you in particular.
You're clutching at straws a bit here, Merton.
Who could have a grudge against my wife?
You might not even be aware that you've upset them.
She'd be aware if she'd upset someone.
MIKE: Well, it's...
just a theory.
We have to explore every possibility.
Of course you do.
I'm not offended, darling. Really I'm not.
What? Nothing at all?
Oh, you are joking?
I know it's Christmas.
I've got ruddy Christmas trees to shift.
And a merry Christmas to you, an' all.
Couldn't we, like, just borrow a van or something?
It's Christmas. There's nothing about.
Hang on.
That must be about seven foot.
Get in the back.
- What? You mean, like a... - Stop fussing, David.
Just do it!
Go on!
- Yeah. - Eh?
Yeah, that must be a good seven foot, that.
What on earth do you think you two are playing about at?
Bernard, I think we've solved our transport problem.
I reckon we can get at least half a dozen in there, at a pinch.
You are not carrying lumber in the back of my hearse!
- Bernard... - Mrs Jowett.
We were just giving the hearse a bit of a clean out.
I was wondering if we could fix a time
when we can move poor dear Emily's body
from the hospital mortuary to the Chapel of Rest
Certainly.
I must say, it's a lovely vehicle.
One needs dignity at a time like this.
Oh, fantastic!
You've been such a help.
Well, having a bodyguard does have its advantages.
I was thinking perhaps you'd like to get away early tonight.
I shan't be going out again.
Don't you want me to wait until his lordship gets back?
- No, I shall be fine. - Well, if you're sure.
I don't think our two rogues are about to storm Ashfordly Hall.
I shall be quite safe. - I shall see you tomorrow.
Yes. Thank you, Mike.
Put another large one in for Bernard, will you, Gina?
You don't understand people's sensibilities.
How would you like your nearest and dearest
to make their last journey in a lumber truck?
Bernard, it wouldn't make any difference to me if I was dead!
Well, what's Joyce Jowett going to think if she sees us, eh?
Bernard, you worry too much about what other people think.
Why don't we just cover the trees up,
and pretend there's a coffin in the back?
Just leave it to me, will you, David?
♪ Here she comes
♪ She's all right, she's so fine
♪ She's all mine, See See
♪ Come on!
♪ Jenny, take a ride now, hey, hey, hey ♪
KNOCKS
Well, well. If it isn't her ladyship in person.
Step this way, ladyship.
Where's your manners, Al?
You're in the presence of gentry. You should at least doff your cap.
Yeah, right!
I'm sorry about that, darling.
But we were having a few problems getting your attention.
You never call. You never write.
Look, I want to settle things once and for all.
I've got a new home, a new life.
I want you gone.
Did you hear that, Al? She wants us gone.
Well, that might be possible.
The only thing is...
it will be expensive.
Very expensive.
MUSIC: 'So Deep Is The Night' by Joe Loss & His Orchestra
Would somebody like to tell me what's going on?
DAVID: Christmas tree for you, Mr Blaketon.
You remember Philip, your lordship, Old Mrs Hopper's grandson?
Yes, of course. You helped out with the sh**t last year, didn't you?
Philip, if you'd just sign at the bottom there.
With all these extra staff his lordship's hiring,
it's going to be a night to remember.
We certainly hope so.
Tricia and I are really looking forward to it.
Ah, yes, the young doctor.
ASHFORDLY: Good morning, and you are?
Stanley Hodges.
ASHFORDLY: Oh, yes. Not a local man, I gather.
Born and bred in Whitby,
but I went away to sea when I was a lad.
ASHFORDLY: Any experience as a waiter?
years as a steward with Cunard. My references.
ASHFORDLY: Very impressive.
Now, we only need extra help over the Christmas period.
It'll be no more than two or three days' work.
Suits me. I'm up here to spend some time with my old mum.
She's in an old folks' home. I doubt she'll last much longer.
Oh, I am sorry to hear that.
If you'd sign on the dotted line, Stanley.
Mrs Kellett will explain your duties.
Good morning. And your name is?
Mrs Jowett.
I saw the cortege pass through the village this morning.
And I must say, it was a pretty shabby affair.
What are you... Well... It was a cram job.
If people can't afford too much, we dispense with the frills.
Just because people are poor, it doesn't mean their passing
shouldn't be marked with the proper respect.
You're perfectly right, of course.
Doesn't cost you anything to put on your mourning suit and bowler hat.
And that young assistant of yours, David, he was even wearing a cap!
I hope you're not going to take this cavalier attitude
when it comes to burying my poor, dear sister.
Absolutely not.
As a churchwarden, I am not without influence in this village.
This morning was a rush job.
I shall be keeping a very close eye on proceedings, Mr Scripps.
You may think me old-fashioned,
but I regard it as my duty to my sister
to ensure that everything is done properly.
And I do appreciate that, Mrs Jowett.
Hmm!
It's like a mad house in there.
I'm Mike, the chauffeur, by the way.
- Stan. - Stan.
Al.
- Do you fancy a smoke? - Er, not for me.
You worked for his lordship long, then, have you, Mike?
Er, yeah, yeah, quite a while.
I gather him and his...
I gather him and her ladyship just got spliced.
Er, yeah, yeah. It was a bit of surprise to everyone, really.
He was really a confirmed bachelor, yeah.
She's quite a looker. Who can blame him, eh?
Yeah. Seems, er... seems very nice actually.
It's makes a difference
working for someone who treats you well.
You pretty much like it here?
Yeah.
Well, actually, er...
To be honest, erm, I'm very lucky his lordship took me on.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, er...
I'd been in a bit of trouble a couple of years back.
- Join the club! - I wondered if I recognised you.
Durham nick. Five years ago. No, mate. I was in Scrubs.
Yeah, well, we'd better get back to work.
Oh, come on, Stan. He's all right.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Well, we've booked them, The Screaming Habdabs.
I hope they're as good as you say.
Trust me, they're brilliant. Everyone will be dancing.
Well, Charles is more of a Palm Court Orchestra man.
But I think I can persuade him to have a go.
You know, I hope you don't mind me saying this,
but when we heard his lordship had got wed,
well, you're not exactly what we expected.
What did you expect?
A loud, booming voice, a pair of sensible tweeds,
and a couple of obnoxious little dogs?
No! What I mean is that,
you're very relaxed and friendly.
People from your sort of background,
well, they're not normally so easy to get on with.
You know, Gina...
maybe our backgrounds are not so far apart as you might think.
You mean, you weren't born with a silver spoon in your mouth?
Charles is very conscious of his position in the community.
I wouldn't want him to think that his wife was...
well...not able to fulfil her social duties and obligations.
Well, I don't think it matters where you were born.
The important thing is, you make each other happy.
And I reckon everyone round here can see with their own eyes
how good you are for his lordship.
Thank you, Gina. That's very kind of you.
But you know, he's made me happy too.
You do all sorts of silly things when you're young but...
this is the first time I've ever really...
truly been in love.
Oh, gosh!
I must get on. I've got a million things to do.
Check under both names, Alf.
The second one even let slip he'd done time in the Scrubs.
Right, we'll get onto Division and check them out.
We'll get straight back to you.
That was Mike, sarge. He reckons he's on to something.
Two men have signed on at the hall who pretty much fit the description
that was given to us by the car dealer.
Well, now we're getting somewhere.
Oh, that's all right, Ventress.
You can make that call to Division from my office.
- What are you doing in Ashfordly? - Oh, shopping.
And I thought maybe you could buy me lunch.
- That would be my pleasure. - I thought so.
How about I meet you at The Bull at
Great.
DOOR OPENS
What on earth do you think you're doing?
You shouldn't be in here.
This is a really sweet setup you got yourself here, Cyn.
You know, I'm quite tempted to just stick around.
I want you gone by Christmas. That's what we agreed!
You know, I think his lordship quite likes me.
You never know, he might offer me a job as his butler.
We don't have a butler and we don't need one.
But you could persuade him, C.
You've got him wrapped round your little finger.
- Stan, listen to me... - Aw. That's the first time
you've said my name in ages.
What do you want me to do?
You want me to beg?
I'll get you as much as I can.
But then you must go!
You are a clever girl, aren't you, C?
If the charm don't work, then the waterworks will.
You promised!
Yeah, but you know what a liar I am.
I can't seem to help myself.
If you're not gone by Christmas...
..so help me, I'll...
You'll what? Tell his lordship the truth?
I don't think so.
Oh, erm...
Mrs Kellett asked me to find you.
Oh, yes.
Thank you, Mike.
That will be all. Thank you.
Yes, your ladyship.
Thank you, Mike.
BERNARD: What if she finds out? I'll be sunk!
You do exaggerate, Bernard. She's just one old busybody.
Who could influence every other busybody for miles around.
I'm a funeral director, Vernon!
Who d'you think my potential clients are?
Oh, stop mithering, Bernard. You've still got the garage.
Oh, thanks very much!
Ah. I think that's about it for this delivery.
Put the flag over the top.
Make sure you tuck it in.
And let's get 'em delivered this Christmas, instead of next.
- You can put these on top. - I'll drive this time.
- You can't. - They won't get there otherwise.
I've just heard back from Division, sarge.
There's nothing on Stanley Hodges,
but Alan Martin, he's got plenty of form.
- Such as? - -year stretch for armed robbery,
and a list of housebreaking as long as your arm.
They must be after something in particular at Ashfordly Hall.
Otherwise, why would they bother to get a job there?
It's a good way of casing the place, sarge.
Get changed, Ventress. Mike can cover the Hall.
But anywhere else they go, you go with them.
Whatever it is they're planning, we're going to catch them...
red-handed.
- Ah, Mrs Jowett. - Good afternoon.
I was really sorry to hear about Emily.
Oh, well, that's very kind of you, Oscar.
Yeah. I know you've nursed her for some time.
- Oh, I was happy to do it. - Yeah, I'm sure you were.
I do wonder if Mr Scripps is quite reliable.
He does seem to have been awfully busy in the last few days.
Well, there's been quite a bit of flu going around.
That's no excuse to cut corners.
You must excuse us, Merton. There's just so much to do.
But do you know, I've never had so much fun.
I'll be with you all in a minute.
MERTON: I'll be brief.
You'll be pleased to hear that we have two suspects
under surveillance.
Oh, excellent! But, er, why don't you just arrest them?
Lack of evidence.
We can possibly prove that they tried to sell
Lady Ashfordly's car to a dealer.
But what we can't prove is that they are the hijackers.
Unless you could identify them, of course.
We never saw their damn faces, did we, darling?
No.
I'll be blunt, Lady Ashfordly, and you'll have to forgive me
if it causes offence.
Is someone trying to blackmail you?
- What? - No, of course not!
Why would anybody want to be doing that?
I've never heard such an absurd suggestion.
I'm sorry, Merton. I don't see how you get from two rogues
holding us up at gunpoint and stealing my wife's car to blackmail.
It's just one line of inquiry we've been pursuing.
I'm sorry I had to raise it.
Well, you've heard my wife's answer.
Indeed. I'll keep you informed of our progress.
ASHFORDLY: Yes. Do.
MERTON: If you'll excuse us?
Looks like your theory could be right, Bradley.
But she's never going to admit it.
I can't believe that's all done.
Oh. Mr Vernon, he said,
"Here, you can have a Christmas bonus,"
and then he said, "Well, that can help
pay for the damage to the truck."
He's all heart, is Mr Vernon.
I've been hearing some very ugly rumours, Mr Scripps.
I was hoping they weren't true.
We used the hearse to deliver a few Christmas trees.
And if you don't like it, you can lump it.
I beg your pardon?
You heard. It's not as if it's going to make any difference
to poor dear Emily, is it?
I've never been so insulted in my life.
You're a rogue and a charlatan just like your brother.
I shall be taking my business elsewhere
and so will everyone in Aidensfield if I have anything to do with it.
In here.
Come on.
You've got to leave immediately. The police are onto you.
Nice try, darling. You don't think we'd fall for that old chestnut?
The place is swarming with them.
They already know the dealer you sold my car to.
My so-called chauffeur Mike? He's a policeman.
- The chauffeur's a copper? - Shut up, Al.
They're going to arrest you. I'm serious.
No, they're not.
Cos you're going to hide me.
Then tonight, when the party's in full swing,
we'll empty the safe.
He must have a few goodies stashed away.
No. Stan, they'll catch you!
You'd better make sure they don't, then, hadn't you, C?
Cos if they catch me and his lordship finds out
that he's not actually married at all...
Cos you've already got a husband, haven't you, darling?
And I think it's about time
you gave him a kiss.
PROTESTS
MUSIC: 'See See Rider' by The Animals
I'd put those down if I were you.
I might have known you was a dirty, stinking copper.
There's no way out, Al. You're nicked.
You reckon?
Well, at least you've got one of them in handcuffs.
I can't believe they're actually here in the house.
We've searched the whole house, sarge. He's definitely gone.
Oh, thank goodness for that.
If this one talks he might tell us where they've been staying.
We might pick him up there.
Well, I've got asuspicion he's long gone.
I'd like to thank you for looking after me, Mike.
My pleasure, your ladyship.
Well, it's done with and we can look forward to Christmas.
I take it you'll both be joining us tonight?
- Looking forward to it. - Excellent.
What on earth do you want?
Mrs Jowett, it is the season of goodwill,
and we've brought a small gift for you.
Bernard, are you not going to the ball?
I don't really feel like it.
Joyce is allowing me to escort her.
Joyce?
Your brother and I discussed your offer
over a glass of sherry, Mr Scripps.
And I've decided to accept.
- What offer? - Emily's funeral, Bernard.
We're doing it at a discount of per cent.
- per cent? - Bernard...
you cannot put a price on reputation.
Drive on, David.
SONG: 'Love Is A Many Splendoured Thing'
Mrs Jowett, how are you?
I was so sorry to hear about your sister.
Oh, thank you very much.
Mr Scripps. Happy Christmas.
Wow! Champagne.
Right. What are we drinking to?
- To love? - Sounds like a good toast to me.
ALL: To love!
And Christmas.
Excuse us for a minute.
I was, um, I was going to save this until Christmas morning.
But I thought you could wear it tonight.
It's lovely. Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
It's been a very long time since this house was filled
with so much laughter and merriment.
Thank you.
How very touching.
I don't want to disturb the party too much,
so if you'd just step this way, your lordship, and open the safe,
then we'll be on our way, won't we, darling?
- What's going on? - Oh!
- How do you know my wife? - Strictly speaking, she's my wife.
But if you did want me to divorce her,
then I might be persuaded, at a price.
I'm so sorry, Charlie.
- I don't understand. - It's simple, really.
We had a nice little racket going. Working the cruise liners,
targeting rich old codgers like you and then fleecing them.
- It all changed when I met you. - Too right.
Dumped me flat, she did. Two-timing little madam.
I love you, Charlie.
I know what you must be thinking, but...
I fell in love with you, and that's the truth.
Right. Let's get this safe open. I haven't got all night.
Good at the old waterworks, isn't she?
If you didn't know any better, you'd almost think she cared.
Stan...
We'll have to get out through the kitchen.
I'll go check if the coast is clear.
See? Now that's what I call true pragmatism.
- Back in a minute. - Make it snappy.
What was it my old dad used to say? "Never trust a woman."
Especially not your wife.
♪ THE BEATLES: Ticket to Ride
♪ Before she gets to saying goodbye
♪ She gotta do right, she gotta do right by me
♪ She said that living with me
♪ Was bringing her down, yeah
♪ That she could never be free while I was around
He's back! He's got a g*n! He's got Charlie!
♪ She's got a ticket to ride ♪
Oh, very nice. Family heirloom, I trust?
I remember you now. On the ship.
You were one of the stewards.
Very good.
I shouldn't think a bloke like you notices servants as a rule.
Stan! Come on! It's all safe.
Take care, Charlie.
You miserable little...
She was in on it, you know. All along.
We planned it together!
Damn rascal's just trying to save his skin.
Get him out of here, Merton.
- She's got you well suckered! - Get him out of my sight!
That was very gallant.
But they'll soon discover the truth.
What is the truth?
I fell in love.
Listen, take the car.
I don't think you've got time to change
before they come back. - What will you tell them?
You just leave them to me. You just go.
Oh, Charlie...
LAUGHTER
Mrs Jowett.
♪ HERMAN'S HERMITS: Something Good
♪ She's everything that I'm dreaming of
♪ I walked her home and she held my hand
♪ I knew it couldn't be a one-night stand
♪ So I asked to see her next week and she told me I could... ♪