12x12 - Bread And Circuses

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

MUSIC: 'Puppet On A String' by Sandie Shaw

- Ooh! - Sorry.

- What's wrong? - My handbag. He just grabbed it.

- Who did? - I don't know.

He went through there.

Stay there.

So, you see...our unit was on one side of the canal,

and the SS were on the other.

Ah. There you are, Alway.

- I bring reinforcements, Colonel. - Good man.

Now, you were saying?

Oh, just a wartime anecdote.

You're far too modest. It was history in the making.

Yes, really. Carry on.

Well... We knew that they were going to attack.

But we didn't know when.

MUSIC: 'Puppet On A String' by Sandie Shaw

♪ Love is just like a merry-go-round

♪ With all the fun of a fair ♪

As night fell, we knew it was hopeless.

The order came to retreat.

- But you'd done your job. - Sufficiently to buy time

for hundreds and thousands of British troops

to escape from Dunkirk.

To fight again, and eventually win the w*r.

My regiment can't take all the credit for that.

- Were you there too, Doctor? - Not personally.

I didn't join up till '.

But the Royal Army Medical Corps did distinguish themselves

at Dunkirk.

They certainly did.

This has been such a good idea.

Well, I thought... The garden is looking superb at the moment.

Why not throw it open to the general public for a small charge

and give the proceeds to one of the ex-servicemen's charities?

After all, not all of them were as lucky as we were.

No, indeed.

Sorry...

I couldn't find him.

Is this yours?

Yes.

Well, it's empty, I'm afraid.

Was your purse in there?

Yeah.

And I have to get a bus to work.

- Where's that? - A nursing home in Elsinby.

I'm on duty tonight.

Well, look...

Here.

- No, I couldn't. Really. - No, no...

I insist. It's all right, you can pay me back. Any time.

Right.

What's your name, then?

Alice.

Alice.

VERNON: David!

What's all that lot?

What lot?

Those wagons, out there.

They're Jerry's.

He said you wouldn't mind looking after 'em for a while.

Jerry? The only Jerry I know

is Jerry Ravenscroft from Hutton-le-Hole.

Oh, that'll be him, then.

Went bust, owing me a considerable sum of money.

Any suggestion I'd be ready to help him out

is quite frankly a try-on.

SCREECHING

What was that?

- Go and have a look. - What?

Well, go on.

Well?

CAMEL SNORTS

DAVID: It's a...

It's a...

I know what it is, David.

What I want to know is, what's this lot doing here?

Thank you for coming.

Oh, it's been a great success.

Glad you think so.

Hey, hey.

A glass too many, I fear.

Here. Sit down.

There.

That's better.

Have you had a medical checkup lately?

Not since I came to the area.

Well, then, I'd like to see you in my surgery tomorrow.

Do I have to?

At your age, it's best to be on the safe side.

Ourage, you mean?

Touche.

I'll see you tomorrow. - Right.

Mr Scripps. You're a real gent.

Really?

This'll make perfect winter quarters

for the next few months.

Months?

We're don't perform in t'winter,

so we have to find somewhere to keep 'em.

Oh...

Oh, it's a circus, Mr Vernon.

I know what it is, David.

Look, tell Jerry to get this lot shifted.

It's his problem, not mine.

But we've nowhere else to put 'em. And Jerry's on his honeymoon.

What?

He just married my mum.

See, this circus has been in our family for generations.

My dad used to be t'gaffer, but then he died.

Then my mum met Jerry and we're all gonna live happily ever after.

Really? Well, not here, you're not.

Oh, please. Vern...

What else can we do?

One night, then you move.

Sorry about that, Mike. But she was pretty upset.

Damsel in distress, eh?

Yeah. She had thirty quid in that purse

and a good-for-nothing just goes and waltzes off with it.

Did you get a description?

Yes. As far as I'm concerned, he's a marked man.

Ah. Handbag snatch in Ashfordly, sarge.

Just filling in a report now.

Good. Well, I hope you'll all be similarly diligent over this.

Theft of some porcelain figures in Whitby two days ago.

Not Ashfordly's section, I know.

But we've been asked to contact antique dealers

in the area to see if they've been offered anything like this.

So, that'll keep you all busy tomorrow.

Won't it?

A buffalo. Camels.

Zebras. Llamas.

Bears.

Goats.

And there's horses that can tell the time.

- Really? - And dogs what can ride scooters.

David! Shut up.

And Jerry's gallivanting round the continent.

- Like our Oscar, eh? - No-one knows when he's due back.

He's due back in a couple of days.

Not Oscar, Gina. Jerry.

I could be lumbered with this menagerie for months.

GINA: We could always open a zoo.

Gina, this is no time for frivolity.

Or even a park. Like the lions of Longleat.

Look. Just leave it, will you?

I've had it up to here all day and I'm just...

What's up?

What are you having to drink, Gina?

JENNY: I'm not sure, Dennis...

It's only a small dinner party.

Madge Cutler's a magistrate, she's very nice.

And Dr Alway'll be there.

Look, I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself.

I just think it's best if you go on your own.

Trish wouldn't have wanted you to sit and mope, Jenny.

It's hardly moping, Dennis. She was my best friend.

I know.

I just think it would do you good to get out.

My wife and I were asleep in here and the porcelain's over there.

No sign of a forced entry downstairs.

Do you mind if I take a look around?

Please do.

And the figurines that were taken?

Well, whoever did it obviously knew what they were doing.

There are numerous pieces that they could've taken,

but those two were easily the most valuable.

- How much were they worth? - £, apiece.

£,?

Mike...

There's a pane missing.

Oh, but that's tiny.

Yes, it is.

Phil...

- Erm...that's mine. - You sure?

Yes. But I lent it to somebody.

Who?

Well, a chap, he broke down in a truck along the lane

yesterday morning.

And he said he had a radiator hose come loose

and his engine had overheated.

So we, er... Well, we gave him some water

and lent him the screwdriver.

- And he never gave it back. - No.

And you've no idea who he was.

No. Erm...

Although, he did crack some joke about camels in the back.

Camels?

Not only camels.

My associate can supply all manner of exotic animals.

And do you propose I let these creatures loose in my grounds?

Well, just in certain areas.

Under strictly controlled conditions.

And you really think that the public would pay

to come and see them?

I don't think, Your Lordship, I know.

People coming to the countryside these days

demand something different, and we could supply it.

I'm sure my accountants will be interested.

Might I suggest a pilot scheme, initially?

And then, if all goes well, we'll build up the herds.

In due course, the animals of Ashfordly

will be mentioned in the same breath

as the lions of Longleat.

Well, talk to my gamekeeper about practicalities.

- Of course. - Good.

I'll see you in a week's itme.

The animals of Ashfordly...

th-century Meissen figurines. Worth a fortune, apparently.

Like the porcelain stolen in Whitby last week.

And our only lead is this bloke who came to the house

and borrowed this.

- Description? - Early s, short croped hair,

he's got a snake tattoo down his right forearm.

Yeah, plus the fact that he had camels in his truck.

I think that might have been a joke, Phil.

Not necessarily.

I had a farmer over Strensfield way last week.

Some circus folk had stopped on a field without permission.

They had a camel.

MIKE: Any idea where they went?

ALF: Towards Aidensfield, he said.

Right! Bradley, Bellamy. You better go and search.

- Hi. -Hi.

- How's things? - Fine, thanks.

Look, I'm sorry, we haven't caught the culprit yet.

But hopefully, we will.

Thanks. Oh...

- Oh, I'd forgotten about that. - Take it.

No, no. Really.

Well...let me buy you a drink sometime, then?

- Well, now you're talking. - Tonight?

I'm not working.

OK. The pub in Aidensfield. There's only one.

Around eightish?

Great. I'll see you there.

They're gonna love it 'ere.

I certainly hope so.

MUSIC: 'Oasis' by Joe Loss & His Orchestra

DAVID: All right, then.

There you go. Go on.

VERNON: Do you know, you can almost imagine yourself

on the African veld already.

What?

VERNON: A wild and untamed land, David.

The punters are gonna go mad for this.

Speaking of which, I'd better get on with the marketing.

The quicker we get the public in here, the better.

Hiya, lads.

What can I do for you two, then?

We're looking for a circus.

Sgt Merton given you the afternoon off, has he?

It's all in the line of duty, Gina.

We heard one was passing through.

- You heard right. - Any idea where it went?

Try an easy one.

MIKE: What's going on, David?

It's all right, Lord Ashfordly said I could.

PHIL: Are you sure about that?

Positive. You can check with t'gamekeeper.

We will. Could you tell us your name please, sir?

Charlie Morton.

Were you near Strensfield yesterday, Charlie?

Well, I may have been.

And did you by chance break down? Go to a house for assistance?

What's all this about?

MIKE: Just answer the question, please.

Yeah, I did. Someone been making accusations?

- Did you return last night? - No, I didn't.

We have reason to believe you may have done.

Well, you're wrong.

Come on, David, let's check this fencing over.

I'm sorry. We're going to have to we continue this conversation

and I suggest we do it down at the station.

You're wasting your time and mine.

Phil, check the trucks.

Well?

Your blood pressure's a little high.

Damn.

I knew I shouldn't have come.

You doctors always find something wrong with people.

Or look at it another way,

we pick up minor problems before they become major ones.

All we need to do is put you on some medication

bring down the blood pressure.

If you insist.

CHUCKLES

It's the same everywhere we go.

Anything goes missing, we get the blame.

Be that as it may, Mr Morton,

we have reason to believe you stole some porcelain figures.

What proof have you got?

MIKE: Do you recognise this?

No.

MERTON: You borrowed it from the Osbournes to mend your truck!

I returned it, left it on a work bench in the garage.

How do you know that's the one I used?

By checking to see if it's got your fingerprints on it.

MERTON: Where were you last night?

- Vernon Scripps' house. - And he'll confirm that, will he?

No.

Him and his lad went to t'pub. I had to stay with t'animals.

So you were alone.

Yeah. Rest of t'circus are following on today.

Where were you three nights ago?

In Whitby. Packing up after us last show in town.

Where there was a theft of some porcelain.

Oh, and that's me, obviously.

Both these thefts were carried out via skylights.

Whoever carried them out must have been very agile.

And being an acrobat, I'd be able to do that. Brilliant! But rubbish.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sarge.

Phil Bellamy's just called.

There's no sign of the stolen property on the trucks.

MERTON: Thank you, Ventress.

All right, you can go.

About time, too.

Before that, I want your fingerprints.

We may be in touch again very soon.

- There you are. - Thank you.

Oh, er...Colonel!

Ah, before you go,

Madge Cutler wondered if you'd like to come for dinner.

Really?

She was very taken with you at yesterday's garden party.

Well...

I was quite taken with her.

Good. Well, I'm going, and Jenny here's going.

- I know I'm invited, but... - Then you must go, my dear.

- But I... - No buts.

I shall expect to see you there.

Fine. I'll pick you up, Colonel.

Excellent. And thank you for these.

Right.

I know, Jenny.

God knows, when my wife died

I didn't want to see anybody for ages.

But friends made me. And they were right.

So, I can't get out of it?

It doesn't look like it.

Hello, Mr Vernon.

David, have a look at this.

- Oh. - I've just put one on the gate.

We're open for business tomorrow.

Oh, right.

- How's everything going? - Oh, great, yeah.

I've just been feeding Ming.

Feeding who?

Ming, you know. The bear.

He likes jam and honey best, but he'll eat anything, really.

- Well, he seems happy enough. - Oh, yeah, he is.

So's Charlie, now the police have let him go.

Police?

Yeah. Yeah, they took him away, but they've brought him back now.

He's over there.

What is that?

Charlie!

Charlie! Who are all these people?

This is t'rest of t'circus.

Well, I can see that. What are they doing here?

You said we were all right for t'winter.

I said the animals were!

Not the whole circus troupe.

Where did you think we'd stay?

We're a family, Vernon, people and animals.

We always stay together.

Lord Ashfordly will have a purple fit!

Well, I can't go anywhere now. Police have said.

What?

They think I did some burglary. It's a load of rubbish.

But till they realise it, I'm stuck here.

Well, they'd better realise it bloomin' quick!

David! Put it down!

- Alice. - Hi.

Sorry I'm late. I only just managed to get away from work.

That's all right. Something important?

Actually, it was. Yes.

- Oh. Hiya, Phil. - Gina.

Did you find your circus?

Yes, thank you very much, Gina, I did.

Good. Pint, is it?

- Yes, please. And, erm... - Another vodka, pineapple juice.

Right.

Well, shall I bring them over?

Yeah. Thank you.

So, er...what's all this about a circus?

Oh, it's tied up with this important case

I'm on at the moment.

In what way?

Er...well, we've got our eye on a certain suspect.

Ah, I see.

But, er...

I'd best not say too much at the moment.

Of course. I won't ask.

So...

What have you been up to, then?

Of course, we wondered where the damned a*tillery were.

The answer was, waiting on the beach at Dunkirk

for a boat to take them back to Blighty!

While you were miles away trying to hold off the Germans.

COLONEL: Exactly. JENNY: It must've been terrifying.

Well, if we'd stopped to think about it,

I suppose it would have been.

It's an extraordinary story.

Yes.

Well, the Second Loyals were a pretty extraordinary battalion.

Myself excluded, of course.

I was telling Kathleen, Colonel, about your fundraising activities

for ex-servicemen.

COLONEL: Ah, yes. It's a very good cause.

It certainly is.

And Eric and I have been thinking, we live just down the road...

Yes. Collinby Hall, Colonel. A magnificent house.

And on Saturday, we're having a garden party.

I think we ought to ask guests to pay

a small entrance fee, the proceeds to go to your charity.

That's...very kind.

What an excellent idea.

Good. Why don't the two of you pop over tomorrow to discuss it?

- I'd be delighted. - Fine.

I'm very glad that I came tonight.

Aren't you, Jenny?

Yes, I am.

I really like my job. I love old people.

- Well, that's good. - Though, some can get crotchety.

Like my sergeant.

GINA: Would you be Alice Armstrong?

- Yeah. - There's a call for you.

Hello?

Oh, I see.

ALICE: Right, well, I'll get up there now, then.

Thanks. Bye.

I'm really sorry, Phil.

One of the assistants hasn't turned up for work.

They want me to go in.

Oh, dear. Well, I can give you a lift.

No. Thanks. But there'll be a taxi outside in a couple of minutes.

I'm really sorry. It's been lovely.

Well, we can do it again. We could go for a meal.

OK.

Tomorrow night?

Ditto's. Say :.

Perfect.

Now. Who's for brandy and who's for port?

Well, now.

There's an invidious choice, Colonel.

COLONEL: Port for me, please.

Good heavens!

Someone's been in here.

- You're sure? - I'm positive.

Oh.

What is it?

It's the candelabra.

They were a wedding present from my mother.

They're priceless.

They're priceless!

It's highly embarrassing.

Oh, I can understand that, sarge.

I don't want understanding, Ventress,

I want the culprit behind bars!

Sarge, the Strensfield job. No fingerprints on the screwdriver.

So, we can't rule Charlie out.

Yes, I realise that, Bradley.

But in the absence of hard evidence against him,

we have to look at other possibilities too.

Sarge...

I hesitate to suggest it,

but could one of the guests have been responsible?

Someone could've opened a window and made it look like an intruder.

But they were all respectable local people.

All the same, we can't rule out the possibility.

Very well.

I'll give you a list of the guests. You can interview them.

But do it with tact, and discretion.

Otherwise, my name will be mud.

♪ Wild thing

♪ You make my heart sing

♪ You make everything groovy

♪ Wild thing... ♪

David! It's opening time!

Right, Mr Vernon.

VERNON: Look, I'm going to go and put the rest of these posters up.

And remember, no discounts without prior arrangement.

And don't let anybody feed the animals.

QUACKING

And David, will you do something about these flippin' ducks!

And we thought we could set up a tombola in the garden,

perhaps one or two stalls selling plants.

Splendid.

And of course, if it rains, there's plenty of room inside.

So I see. It's a splendid place.

Yes, yes. Well, I think we've covered just about everything.

- Yes. - We'll be on our way, then.

Oh, Colonel.

I got so interested in what you said about Dunkirk

that I dug out this book.

- Oh, really? - Yes. And there's a mistake.

It says that it was the FIRST Battalion of the Loyals

that defended the canal at Bergues.

What of it?

Well, you said last night it was the Second Battalion.

Your battalion.

So it was.

I should know!

So much for books, eh?

Yeah.

Mr and Mrs Renishaw?

- That's right. - PC Bellamy, Ashfordly Police.

I'd like to ask you some questions

about the theft at Mrs Cutler's house last night.

Oh, yes, of course. Come in.

Thank you.

I gather you were also there, Dr Alway.

Oh, yes. Yes, I was. As was Colonel Barber here.

Right. Well, either myself or one of my colleagues

will be asking you both questions later.

Routine enquiries.

Anything we can do to help. See you Saturday.

- Goodbye. - Thank you.

Up! Up.

There we go.

Morning, David.

Oh. Er...

Morning, Lord.

I, er...

I thought you were away for the week.

I got everything done quicker than I thought.

What's all this, David?

Oh, er...

It's the, erm...animals.

Going very well.

Had a few visitors already.

Visitors?

You've started this wildlife park business already?

- Mr Vernon said you wanted us to. - I expressed an interest.

I didn't say go ahead!

What the devil's this?!

DAVID: Oh, that's, er...

Looks like a ruddy circus!

It's not really meant to be there. It's only there because of Charlie.

Yeah, and, well, he has to stay here

because the police think that he stole something,

which he didn't.

Where's Scripps?

Cheerio.

Colonel Barber?

Yes.

PC Mike Bradley, Ashfordly Police. Could I have a word, please?

Of course.

Come in.

We'd all been in the drawing room earlier,

we'd all have seen the candelabra.

Theoretically, any one of us would have had the opportunity

to come back in, and...

take them.

How well do you know the other guests?

Apart from Alway, hardly at all.

I've not been in the area long.

I see.

But I think you're barking up the wrong tree.

I'd say that the intruder

must have come in through the window.

According to Sergeant Merton, it hadn't been forced.

Then someone must have picked the lock.

Or someone inside unlocked it in the course of the evening.

If you want to search the house, you're perfectly at liberty.

I know it's part of your job.

That won't be necessary at the moment.

Well, erm...

thank you very much for your help, Colonel.

It's a pleasure.

You've made a great friend in Dr Alway.

The best.

Seems we've... known each other for years.

He gets you out and about, does he?

Yes, I...

I can't drive, you see.

Shrapnel.

They never were able to get it out.

Well, erm... once again,

thanks for your help.

Don't worry, I'll see myself out.

David?

How many cars through the gate?

- Oh, a few. But... - But what?

Well, one of them was Lord Ashfordly's.

What?

He said he hadn't given us permission to start all this.

In fact, he's very angry

and I'm very worried he's going to sh**t them!

Now, look here, I want you off my land.

I can't go. Police have said so.

I don't care what they've said. I want you off my land pronto.

VERNON: Er, Your Lordship...

Let me explain.

No, thank you. I never gave you permission to start all this,

and I certainly never agreed to a ruddy circus encampment.

Well, there's obviously been a bit of a misunderstanding.

You can say that again. I want them out now.

Your Lordship. Please. Let's not be hasty.

I've already taken a tidy sum at the gate.

What's more, I've drummed up over £'s worth

of advance bookings today alone.

LORD ASHFORDLY: Oh...

Give me hours to find alternative accommodation.

Meanwhile, the money from the gate is still rolling in.

Very well.

But hours, Scripps, and that's all.

So, we've drawn a blank.

PHIL: It's not surprising, really, sarge.

All pillars of the community, lived here for years.

Except Colonel Barber.

You don't suspect him, a w*r hero?

MIKE: So you say.

- But there's something odd. - What is it?

He says he doesn't drive.

Yet, I had a look around before he turned up,

and there was a car in the garage.

Yeah, but I can't really see him clambering over rooftops. Can you?

I'm having a drink with Dr Alway tonight,

I'll have a word.

Probably nothing in it, but best to be sure.

You haven't any idea where we could house

a circus troupe over winter, have you, Gina?

Not in my backyard.

Hmm, that's what they all say.

Well, there's only one alternative, David.

What's that?

We'll have to shift them down to our place.

Well, that's brilliant.

I mean, I could learn to juggle,

and eat fire,

lie on a bed of nails...

David, the only thing you could do with the circus is act a clown.

And for that, you would need no training whatsoever.

Oh, thanks, Mr Vernon.

It's funny, really, isn't it?

If your handbag hadn't been stolen, we'd never have met.

I'm sorry we haven't caught the culprit, by the way.

- I know you will. - Yeah.

Well, you've got to be patient in our job.

I mean, take this big case we're on at the moment.

These porcelain thefts.

- Oh, is that what it is? - Yeah.

We thought we had a good suspect yesterday. Now we're not so sure.

Think it might be someone else?

Yeah. There was this old colonel.

He seemed dead respectable, but we're not that certain now.

Sounds fascinating.

It is. Yeah.

So...

No girlfriend, then?

No. And you?

I did.

A year ago.

I suppose it's partly my job.

I do awkward shifts. Nights very often.

He didn't understand.

Well, I would.

I mean... I know what you mean.

Things crop up and you've got to cry off.

Well, I think he's a pretty decent sort of cove.

How long exactly has he been here?

Well, he told me a couple of years.

Although, I've only known him a few months.

There is one other thing.

Do you remember last night,

he claimed to have been in a certain battalion?

Now, Eric Renishaw looked that up today,

and according to the book,

that battalion wasn't in the town where this famous stand took place.

PHIL: Thank you.

It's been lovely. Thank you.

- Can I walk you home? - It's OK.

Sure?

Can I see you again?

I'd love to.

Well, how about my place, then?

I make a lethal spaghetti bolognese.

Your place?

Around six?

Night, then.

Night.

No. No. You've been very helpful, thank you.

Sarge. I've just spoken to the regimental HQ of the Loyals.

They have no record whatsoever of a Colonel Barber during the w*r.

We've also discovered he doesn't own that house.

He's been renting it fully furnished since he came here.

Right. Bring him in.

It's a bit quiet, isn't it?

Not for long. I've got a coach party

of old age pensioners booked for two o'clock.

Oh, no... The animals.

I can't see any.

Well, they're probably having a sleep somewhere.

COACH ENGINE Ah! Here they are.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

to the North Riding's premier tourist attraction.

Now, how many are you?

No sign of life.

Let's check the garage, Phil.

So much for not being able to drive.

DAVID: I think they're a bit puzzled, Mr Vernon.

VERNON: Eh?

DAVID: Well, look at 'em.

They're all standing there

wondering why they can't see any animals.

Look, it isn't a zoo, David.

We'll just have to be patient. Give it time.

Watch carefully.

Mr Vernon...

Oh, how did that get there?

Suppose he hasn't left the area, Sarge.

He was up at the Renishaws' place yesterday,

and they were talking about a garden party tomorrow.

Well, he's hardly likely to turn up there now.

But suppose he was just casing the joint

with a view to doing another job.

There's plenty of antiques and ornaments up at that house.

So you reckon he or whoever he works with

are going to do the job tonight.

A last and very profitable farewell to the area?

You could be right.

Looks like we'll be spending the night at the Renishaws.

What, all of us, sarge?

Is there a problem, Bellamy?

Well, it's just that I had an engagement for tonight, sarge.

Tough. Cancel it.

JENNY: Dr Alway?

Dr Alway!

What is it?

BUFFALO BELLOWS

Oh. Hello, love.

Right, we're off to the Renishaws.

I want you and Ventress up there in half an hour.

ALF: Sarge... It's for you. MERTON: I'm busy.

It's Jenny.

She, erm...says she's got a wild animal in her garden.

Oh, what vandal's done that?

- Probably Ankuli. - Who?

The buffalo. Maybe looking for a mate.

He won't find one in Yorkshire!

Well, he doesn't know that, does he?

You know, I reckon they've gone out through here.

- It went that way. I think. - What, towards the pub?

Well, maybe it's thirsty.

This is all I need.

Oh, and an old lady phoned from across the road.

She said there's a zebra eating her forsythia.

- Where would they have come from? - I've a damn good idea.

I'll see if Gina's seen anything.

You two check the back gardens and the village green.

GINA: I haven't seen anything, Vernon.

Are you sure?

Look. If I saw a bear or a camel outside,

I wouldn't be in any doubt.

What's up?

There's a zebra outside.

I've just seen a ruddy zebra.

The entire village is swarming with escaped animals.

I believe they're yours.

Well, they're not exactly mine.

MERTON: Well, you better have them rounded up...

Vernon! There's a donkey now.

DONKEY BRAYS

MUSIC: 'Mickey's Son and Daughter' by The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band

Come here!

Come here. Come here.

Mr Vernon!

ERIC: You won't believe this.

The Colonel rang about an hour ago.

And he invited us to join him and Dr Alway for dinner tonight

at The Bridge Hotel in Elsinby.

His way of saying thanks for the garden party.

Obviously, a device to get you out. What time are you due?

:, for :.

We don't have much time.

What items do you think he would've singled out?

Well, I think if it's porcelain it would have to be this.

It's th-century. Unique.

Insured for £,.

MERTON: Well, you get over to Alway's and stay there.

We'll get into position here, and wait.

Scripps!

Ah. Your Lordship. I was just...

Reed tells me one of the animals broke down the fence,

they all escaped.

Er, yes, that's right, Your Lordship,

but they're all back now.

Are you sure?

Oh, positive.

And the fence is being repaired as we speak.

It had better be because if there's any more trouble, Scripps...

There won't be, Your Lordship, I promise.

Just, er...

minor teething problems.

CLOCK STRIKES EIGHT

Well, we did our best, David.

Yeah, but what about the...

Look. There's nothing we can do now.

We'll resume the search first light.

APPLAUSE

Blimey! Look at that.

MUSIC: 'Zambesi' by Eddie Calvert

APPLAUSE

Charlie, you've nicked all our punters.

And made 'em very happy.

Why don't you sit down and enjoy it too?

Might as well.

David.

APPLAUSE

Hold still!

It's all right, sarge.

I've got him.

Alice.

I'm sorry, Phil.

Sorry?

His real name was James Barker.

Done numerous stretches for theft and deception.

And the girl?

Well, she didn't work in any old folks' home.

Parker's niece, apparently.

That's on me.

She just used me.

They wanted a way of finding out what we knew.

And I walked right into it.

That might be how it started out, Phil,

but I'm sure when she got to know you,

she had real feelings for you as well.

PHONE RINGS

I would so love to believe you.

That'll be Oscar, wanting me to pick him up from the station.

Aidensfield Arms.

What?

You're where?!

Why have they done that to you?

Oscar?

LINE GOES DEAD

I can't believe it.

Oscar's still in Spain. In jail.

He says he's in terrible trouble.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the moment you've all been waiting for.

Please welcome our troupe of exotic animals!

APPLAUSE

Look, Mr Vernon. There's our animals.

SONG: 'Entry Of The Gladiators'

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME

QUIET GRUNTING

SONG: 'Entry Of The Gladiators'

APPLAUSE

HORSE NEIGHS