13x16 - One Thing Leads to Another

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss

♪ Stay in my memory? ♪

MUSIC: 'My Sunday Feeling' by Jethro Tull

♪ My Sunday feeling's coming on over me

♪ My Sunday feeling's coming on over me

♪ Now that the night is over

♪ Gotta clear my head so I can see

♪ Till I get to put together... ♪

PHONE RINGS

Ashfordly .

Jenny? It's Kitty.

Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't make it for lunch. Something's come up.

That's all right, Kitty, but look,

there was something I wanted to ask you.

- 'It's not a good time.' - Maybe I can call later.

Listen, Jenny, I'm sorry. I'm really busy at the moment. Got to go.

DOOR OPENS

- DENNIS: Who was that? - Oh, Kitty Sanders.

I was supposed to be meeting her for lunch, but she's cried off.

You've seen a lot of her lately.

- Well, I like her company. - Good.

- I'll see you tonight. - Bye.

Bye.

MUSIC: 'You Don't Have To Say You Love Me' by Dusty Springfield

Been up long?

I'll make some fresh.

Listen, I'll stay as long as you need me.

What with Oscar having to go away.

He's only gone a few days, Di. He'll be back as soon as he can.

It's so good of you.

I know you don't like being stuck out here.

Nonsense. I like it just fine.

Good, clean country air.

INHALES

SPLUTTERS

Just not used to it, that's all.

Gina, love. I wish I could do something to make it better.

You are. Just by being here.

It's Phil who should be here.

He's not much help, to tell you the truth.

He can't talk about it. He can't even say Daniel's name.

He probably doesn't want to upset you.

It can't be easy on him either,

especially as he's had to go back to work.

Now, how about I make you some toast?

Well, this brings back memories.

The Ashfordly Gazette Poetry Competition.

Really? I didn't think you were interested in poetry, Mr Vernon.

Well, it just takes me back to my school days, David.

They always had a poetry competition.

Poor Bernard, my poems always did so much better than his.

Really? I've never heard him mention it.

He wouldn't, would he? It probably still rankles.

Here, you haven't got time for all that.

I've got lots for you to do today.

She's in here.

- Thanks, Di. - There you go.

Hiya.

How are you feeling?

Oh, just wonderful, Phil. And how are you?

I'm just on my way to work.

I think I could have guessed that. The uniform gave it away.

Maybe I could call round again. We could go out or something.

I don't think so. It's a bit soon after Daniel's funeral.

Yeah, of course. I understand.

Look, Gina, I just want things to get back to...

Normal? Somehow I don't think they ever will.

- JENNY: Morning. - Morning.

Is something wrong?

Herbie Lloyd's results. He's coming in to see me later, isn't he?

First appointment.

Best get the bad news over with, I suppose.

What have we got?

It looks like he's lost control here,

he's ploughed straight through the bracken

and down into the gully.

- Who is he? Do we know? - Not yet, Sarge.

Radio Ventress, get him to check the registration number.

And you'd better get Bernard Scripps over here.

This car's going nowhere under its own steam.

Yes, sir.

BERNIE: A car's gone off the road at Hogg End Lane.

I'm too busy here. Will you go and collect it?

Yeah, all right.

- Can I do something for you? - No. Well, yeah.

I was just wondering if it still rankled, like Mr Vernon said.

A lot of things rankle, David.

Were we talking about something in particular?

Mr Vernon always beating you at the poetry competition

when you were young.

Vernon, beating me? He hasn't got a poetic bone in his body.

What's a poetic b...?

Ah, Hogg End Lane. Right, I'll, er...

It's a progressive form of arthritis that principally affects the spine,

which is why you've been finding it so hard to work.

What can you do about it, then, Doctor?

Well, painkillers and steroids will keep you mobile for the time being,

but there is no cure, Mr Lloyd.

- It won't get better, then? - No.

You have to accept that you can't keep on working indefinitely,

not in your line, anyway.

Perhaps you could think about something different.

I've been a gamekeeper all my life. Since I were .

I'm sorry, but I think you ought to consider something less active.

How about working at the estate office?

Paper shuffling? I don't think so, Doctor.

I've never worked inside

and I think I'm too old to be starting now.

Don't worry, I'll manage.

One way or another, I'll keep working till I drop.

Where's David gone now?

I told him I'd need him this morning.

- I sent him to pick up a car. - Oh, that's typical of you.

You don't think to ask me first,

you just commandeer him for your own purposes.

And, by the way,

you never beat me at any poetry competitions at school.

I think you'll find I did, Bernard.

- Didn't. - Did.

I think if you cast your mind back, it was me winning the prizes.

I'm afraid, Bernard, that's what's known

as a case of looking back with rose-tinted spectacles.

A case of your selective memory, more like.

Anyway, why are you suddenly bringing this up

after all this time?

It was just a nostalgic comment to David

when I saw they're restarting the poetry competition

in the Ashfordly Gazette.

Ooh, well I never.

Anyway, don't feel bad about not being good at poetry, Bernard.

I mean, we all have our own individual talents, you know.

I don't know where on earth you got this idea from

that you're better at it than I am.

You always found it difficult to accept.

Can't have been easy being beaten every time,

especially by someone so much younger than you.

- Over and out. - Go on, Alfred. Come on!

DOG BARKS

I'm sorry I took so long, but with the weather changing...

It's down here. David. You'll have to drag it up to the road.

Alf says the car's registered to a Martin Updike.

Lives in Nottingham.

The car hasn't been reported stolen, but the local force will go round.

Good. So he could be up here on business, then.

What do you make of this, Bellamy?

Looks like blood, Sarge.

Was the passenger door open when it was found?

That's what the tractor driver said.

I assumed it opened on the point of impact.

But there could have been someone else in the car.

All right, David, you can take it away.

Ask Bernie to keep it at the garage for now.

We might need to examine it further.

All right, Sergeant Merton. Alfred, come on!

DOG BARKS

Bellamy, you can drop me at the station.

Then go round to B&Bs and guest houses.

I want to know what Updike was doing round here, and who he was with.

Yes, Sarge.

Crane, get over to the hospital,

see if there's any chance of Updike regaining consciousness.

Sarge.

DAVID: Sergeant Merton! I think I've found something.

It was Alfred. He went into the bracken and started barking

and he's found this.

Martin Updike. It's our man, Sarge.

- It's empty. - He could have been robbed, then.

Thank you, David. Well done.

It wasn't me. It was Alfred, really!

Well done, Alfred. YAPS

MUSIC: 'Miles From Nowhere' by Cat Stevens

♪ Miles from nowhere

♪ Guess I'll take my time

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ To reach there

♪ Look up at the mountain

♪ I have to climb

GROANS

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

I told you, it was nothing. Just a silly argument that went too far.

These things happen. You've got to keep it in proportion.

In proportion? Have you looked in the mirror?

It's not a pretty sight, I can tell you.

I knew it was a stupid idea,

getting involved in this savings-and-loan scheme.

Look, who did it to you? You've got to go to the police, Kitty.

Just leave it, Hugh, it was nothing. It won't happen again.

Nothing? It was as*ault at the very least.

I should never have let you carry on with this silly idea.

It's not silly. I'm running a real business.

At least it gives me some kind of independence,

instead of sitting around here all day.

Look, it were different

when it were just a way of helping ladies buy a new frock or whatever.

I'm sorry, Hugh, but I just don't want to take this any further.

At least promise me you'll give up the scheme.

People will understand if you tell 'em.

It's just not that simple.

Isn't it? Well, it seems pretty simple to me.

MUSIC: 'Devil Woman' by Cliff Richard

♪ She's just a devil woman

♪ With evil on her mind

♪ Beware the devil woman

♪ She's gonna get you

♪ She's just a devil woman

♪ With evil on her mind

♪ Beware the devil woman

♪ She's gonna get you from behind ♪

- Hello. - Hi, Jen.

How are you?

I just wish people would stop asking.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take it out on you.

It's just...

There's no need to apologise, Gina.

Look, how about I pop over later and we can have a proper catch-up?

I was supposed to be seeing Kitty but she's let me down again.

How's the savings-and-loan scheme going?

That's what I was going to ask her.

That, and if I could take some money out for a change.

You and Dennis thinking of splashing out?

He'd have a fit if he knew how much a three-piece suite really costs.

Hence asking Kitty for a loan.

OK. Thank you very much, Mrs Farmer.

- Gina, do you want to come in? - Yeah.

CLASSICAL PIANO ON RADIO

I've brought that car back. I tell you, it's a right mess.

Mr Scripps?

David! Can you not see I'm busy?

Sorry, you don't look very busy.

It's no use. I'm trying to remember my winning poem.

Is this important? It was a long time ago.

Course it's important.

Vernon's going around telling everybody he was best.

Oh.

Hey, what if you entered that competition and won?

That would show him!

Vernon would still say he was better.

Unless we could get him to enter as well.

CHUCKLES

How are you going to get him to do that?

Don't you fret about that, sunshine. I'll think of something.

Alf, the doctor says Martin Updike can't be interviewed yet.

Well, there's no point hanging round the hospital, then.

You wouldn't like to give a Mrs Lampet a visit?

She's got a guest house, Stanhope, in Church Square.

Only, she's given us a call

to say that one of her guests has gone missing.

- Oh? - 'Our friend Martin Updike.

'Phil's out on the other side of town, so I'll let him know.'

OK, Alf. Leave it with me. I'll see you soon.

VERNON: Bernard?

- What are you doing? - None of your business.

You're going in for that competition, aren't you?

So? What if I am?

At least it'll prove once and for all

that I'm the poet in this family.

- No, it won't. - Why not?

All it'll prove, even if you win,

is that you're better than the others, not me.

So why don't you enter as well?

Because I haven't got time for silly little newspaper competitions.

I'm a businessman.

- You're frightened of losing. - Me? I'd win hands down.

Prove it. Write a poem and enter it.

See? You can't.

All right, I will.

Just don't get too upset when I win.

Sit yourself down, Herbie.

Have you seen the doctor about that back of yours?

It's some disease with a long Latin name that I can't remember.

At least you've got a diagnosis now. You can get it sorted out.

There's no treatment.

Oh, dear. Well, I'd be very sorry to lose you.

I don't want to go, sir. I've worked here since I were .

But if you can't do the job...

I don't want you straining, making things worse.

I can do it, if I have some help with the heavy stuff.

I'd feel happier if I had some sort of doctor's report

saying that it won't be detrimental to your health.

Go ahead, talk to Dr Merrick, sir.

I'm sure she'll tell you I'm OK, so long as I have some help.

I'll let her know you'll be calling, shall I, sir?

Yeah, fine. I'll have a word. OK, Herbie.

Thank you very much, sir.

MUSIC: 'Hey Willy' by The Hollies

♪ Hey, Willy, your mother calls you Billy...

This is Mr Updike's room, Constable.

Thank you, Mrs Lampet.

♪ Hey, baby, you're dressing like a lady

♪ The fellows call you Sadie but you really are a pretty one

♪ You don't care what they say about your hair

♪ Cos the bad man's smiling every time he sees you comin', yeah

♪ Willy is the singer in a rock 'n' roll band

♪ Every time he shows his face... ♪

"The moonlight on the water's edge,

the swan that swims in regal state,

all remind me of..."

That's private!

I'm sorry. Did you manage to get Mr Vernon to enter as well?

I told you I'd think of something. Now, shift.

And don't you go telling him about this.

It's all right, don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.

Anyway, I should really point out that you've done all that wrong.

What do you mean?

Well, it's a poem, isn't it?

Poems are meant to rhyme.

You know, "There was a young man from Dundee, who went..."

Yes, yes, yes. Don't you worry about that.

Just keep all this under your hat.

Oh, hi, Kitty. I'm glad I caught you.

Look, what I wanted to talk about earlier was, well,

I was wondering about getting out a loan.

Yes, but...

But I've paid every week.

But there must be some money left. Where's it all gone?

Kitty, you can't just give it all to one person.

That is not what the scheme's about, is it?

Kitty? Kitty, are you there?

Is everything all right?

Look, can you manage if I take a longer lunch break?

Of course. Sounds like you need it.

Oh, hello. Mr Scripps says you're entering the poetry competition.

That's right.

It must be nice to be able to write poems.

I'd love to be able to.

Yes, well, David, much as I'd like to chat, I've got to get on.

I've got poems to write and such.

Yes, of course. It's not like you've got a lot of time left.

What do you mean?

Well, poems have to be in by this evening.

But the competition was only in the Ashfordly Gazette this morning.

Well, this week's paper isn't out yet.

That was last week's that you were reading.

- DENNIS: How much is it? - Nearly £.

A lot of money to keep in a shoe box.

Do we know what he does for a living?

Well, he told the landlady he was a travelling salesman.

Did he? I don't know what our man is doing round here,

but I'd lay odds that he's no travelling salesman.

- Ventress? - Sarge?

Have Nottingham Police got back to us yet about Updike?

I've just come off the phone, Sarge. He was very well-known to them.

- Anything serious? - All petty.

He was a bit of a ladies' man.

He was done for false pretences once,

and he left owing money to quite a few people.

- He left? - Yes.

The house where the car was registered

hadn't been lived in for some time.

They know that because they were trying to find him.

Apparently he ran a save-and-loan scheme,

and he left without paying out to anyone.

He can't have been running one of those round here.

Nobody would give their money to a stranger, would they?

According to Mrs Ventress, your Jenny signed her on to a scheme.

MUSIC: 'Look Through Any Window' by The Hollies

♪ Look through any window, yeah

♪ What do you see?

♪ Smiling faces all around

♪ Rushing through the busy town

I need to...

- What's happened? - It's a long story.

♪ And the byways

- ♪ Where do they go? - ♪ Moving on their way... ♪

"My eyes alone kissed"

or "Mine eyes alone kissed"?

Mine eyes?

It's a more lyrical way of writing, David.

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

TOOT OF HORN

Four gallons, please, David.

Are you on your own again?

They haven't got any time for anything

apart from this poetry competition at the moment.

Poetry competition?

Yeah. The one in the Ashfordly Gazette.

Oh, right.

I wouldn't have thought that Bernie or Vernon knew much about poetry.

You could be right there.

Mr Scripps reckons Mr Vernon hasn't got a poetic bone in his body.

So you think Bernie will win?

I wouldn't say that. I've just seen his poem. It doesn't even rhyme.

Everybody knows that poems should rhyme.

- He thinks I don't understand. - You should write one of your own.

Prove to him that you can do it.

CHUCKLES

No, I don't think I could do that.

I don't know anything about poems either.

You know that they have to rhyme.

I'd say that you've got a poetic bone.

Really?

It's a figure of speech, David.

Oh!

No. No, it's got to be a love poem. I don't think that I could...

Just cos it's a love poem doesn't mean it has to be all lovey-dovey.

It could be love for a mother, or a place or something like that.

- Really? - Hm. You should try it.

You don't know unless you try a thing.

Put that on my account, would you?

- All right. - Bye-bye, David.

Bye, Doctor.

LIZ DRIVES OFF

I can't believe Hugh would hit you.

We were arguing. It was in the heat of the moment. I'm not blameless.

There is never a good reason

for a husband to hit his wife, Kitty.

He worries about me meeting other men.

I know it's silly, but he gets jealous.

Promise me you'll think about pressing charges.

How silly of me.

Jenny's just come for a chat and a cup of tea.

A chat about that stupid savings-and-loan scheme, I hope.

Here. Take 'em. I don't want my wife running it any more.

So you take 'em and run it yourself.

Jenny. Please.

- How much is in the tin? - £ s d ha'penny.

It's what the book says should be there, if you discount the ha'penny.

But didn't you say nearly £ had been paid in?

And been lent out again. Here... and here.

The cheek of it.

So she's lent this George Harrow bloke nearly £ of our money.

How long's he been putting money in?

It's hard to tell, Gina, with all these rubbings out.

Here, there he is... Oh, no. That's George Harlow.

It must be the same man. She just spelt the name wrong.

I've never heard of a George Harrow, or Harlow.

Me neither.

Maybe you'd better ask Kitty, then, find out who this bloke is.

"Alfred, true friend and companion.

"Better than bread with cheese and onion."

That's awful!

"The truest friend I've ever found."

That's better.

Found. Sound? Crowned?

Hound. Hound! Hound!

"The truest friend I've ever found,

is a great, big... shaggy... hound."

CHUCKLES

WHIMPERS

All right, it's not finished yet.

DOG BARKS

- Can I come in? - It's not a good time.

It's important. I need to know what's going on.

I need to ask Kitty about a few things that aren't quite clear

if I'm to take this over, Hugh.

Just so long as you don't palm it back off on her.

I don't want her involved any more.

And I'm surprised your husband's letting you get involved.

Some marriages are based on trust, not fear.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know what you're implying, Jenny,

but there are no secrets between Kitty and I.

Kitty?

You surely don't think that I'd hit Kitty?

This was done by someone from that savings scheme.

Kitty turned him down and he got nasty.

- For goodness' sake, tell her! - Just go, Jenny.

I'll talk to you later, I promise, and explain it all. But just go now.

Are you sure you'll be OK?

- Of course she'll be OK! - Please, just go.

I've done it. Just in time.

I've finished mine too.

Hands off!

I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

- Can we talk? - Of course.

But I'm late back, so do you mind if I carry on?

Fine.

I understand you've taken over a savings-and-loan scheme.

Look, Dennis, I would have discussed it with you,

but I was put into this position and I really couldn't refuse.

I don't understand why you got involved in the first place.

- It's not as if I keep you short. - I was just being friendly.

And saving money for a rainy day.

But can you not see what sort of position you put me in

if anything goes wrong?

And why would anything go wrong?

What can go wrong will go wrong.

Your friends, my colleagues,

many other people have put money into this scheme.

If they don't get their money back, they'll blame you.

Listen. They will get their money back.

All the books add up.

Kitty's just lent a bit too much money to one man.

Who?

George Harrow, or Harlow. I'm not sure which.

And where does Mr Harrow or Harlow live?

I don't know. I went up there to find out, but...

I think I'd like to take a look at those books, Jenny.

In future, it might be better if you talked things over with me

before you got yourself involved in one of these harebrained schemes.

"And on that cheek, and o'er that brow

so soft, so calm, yet eloquent,

the smiles that win, the tints that glow,

but tell of days in goodness spent,

a mind at peace with all below,

a heart whose love is innocent."

I told Mrs Ventress not to get involved.

Goodness only knows how much money she's lost.

STEVE: She's not the only one, Alf. Looks like a few folks round here

fancied the idea of a bit of extra cash.

We'll none of us see our money again unless we can link it to Updike.

This Harlow-Harrow bloke seems to have been added later

and in a bit of a hurry.

There's no-one in the phone book with either of those names.

I think it's safe to assume he doesn't exist

except as a crude attempt to cover her tracks.

Looks like it.

I think it's time we went and asked Mrs Sanders a few questions,

find out exactly what she's been up to.

Vernon.

If you're going to collect Mrs Hewlett,

how are you going to get your poem in on time?

Doesn't seem much point,

now that we're no longer competing against each other.

But it's bound to win.

Well, it was just a first attempt.

I can't help feeling

that I could have made it just a little bit better given more time.

STARTS ENGINE

But what about the prize? Dinner for two in that posh restaurant.

I'd sooner give someone else a chance,

someone for whom dinner for two would be a real treat.

Where's Dr Merrick? I want a word with her.

She's in her surgery at the moment. I'll tell her you're...

Dr Merrick!

Interfering doctors! I've just about had enough of the lot of you.

What are you playing at, telling my boss I'm not fit to work?

Sticking your noses in!

I'm losing my job because of you!

MUSIC: 'Dancing Shoes' by Cliff Richard and the Shadows

♪ You must've heard of a little Bo Peep

♪ She was the gal with all the sheep

♪ A-whoa, one day, it's sad to say

- David! - Hello?

What are you doing here?

If I'd known you were coming into Ashfordly,

I'd have given you Vernon's poem to deliver.

Why doesn't he deliver it himself?

He decided not to enter.

But I think folks ought to hear this. It's a masterpiece.

Where's yours?

No point in putting my foolish scribblings up against this.

I'd best hurry, get it in.

Hello, Liz.

I never said Herbie Lloyd couldn't working.

I said he couldn't continue with the same level of physical work.

Look, he's a gamekeeper. A good one. But that's his job.

He could do lighter things. Office work, maybe.

How is he going to feel about that?

How do you think he'll feel

about losing his job, his home, everything, all in one go?

I am not about to put him on the street.

That's not the way he's telling it.

He's upset. It's understandable. But he'll calm down.

Then we can talk about the practicalities.

You'll let him keep his tied cottage?

It's in the estate's best interests for me to employ a new gamekeeper

who can do the work safely.

Where's he going to live if Herbie stays?

- That's not my problem. - No, you're right, it's not.

Liz!

Whose idea was it to start up a savings-and-loan scheme?

It was just something we talked about

and I thought I'd give it a go.

Worst decision you ever made.

Who talked about it, Mrs Sanders?

Does the name Martin Updike mean anything to you?

Is that him? Is that who hit you?

Yes, Sergeant Merton. I do know Martin.

MUSIC: 'I Can't Tell The Bottom From the Top' by The Hollies

♪ And every time I get to thinkin'

♪ With every thought of you

♪ I wanna shout aloud

♪ And then I think about the love I had inside me

♪ How you brought what's inside out ♪

Who is this Updike?

He's a con man

who uses people to set up savings-and-loan companies,

only to run off with all the money.

You let a complete stranger talk you into doing this?

- I didn't know he was a con man. - And he's the one that did that?

I hit my head on the windscreen when the car crashed.

- What car? - Mr Sanders.

Could we just let your wife tell us what happened, please?

So you met with Updike last night, yes?

People were asking for loans,

so I needed to get some of the money back.

They were my friends.

When he said no, it was a complete surprise.

We argued, the car crashed and I ran off.

Not before emptying his wallet?

It wasn't his money. It belonged to the scheme. My friends.

Oh, that was the hospital. Updike's regained consciousness.

You'd best get round there and hear what he has to say.

Why did you give Updike the money?

For safekeeping. At least that's what he told me.

And you had no idea what he was up to?

It was only when we were in the car that he told he was going

and that he was taking the money with him.

We were arguing. Then he turned to speak to me and then we crashed.

This car crash...

It's not the one I reported this morning, up at Hogg End Lane?

Yes, it is.

But that happened in the middle of the night, didn't it?

Mrs Sanders,

are you sure you wouldn't rather do this at the station?

No, it's all right. He's going to find out sooner or later.

You met this man in the middle of the night?

I arranged to meet him after you'd gone to bed.

I had to talk to him, get the money off him.

This has nowt to do with no loans scheme, has it?

- He's your lover, isn't he? - What if he is? Can you blame me?

How else was I supposed to get any excitement?

Get her out. Get her out of here before I do something I regret.

Oh, Hugh, I'm sorry. I wish I'd never met him. I didn't mean...

Come on, Mrs Sanders, let's get your coat.

I decided against using it, anyway.

I've been thinking, Herbie.

No-one knows the estate or the pheasant breeding programme like you

and I can't do it on my own.

Experienced gamekeepers are few and far between,

so promoting one of the lads would be the easiest option.

And the cheapest.

But there's none of them up to the job.

Not without training.

I've no time to train anyone up.

Would you do it?

Could take years.

Could.

- I'd be head gamekeeper, like? - Pretty much.

So I'd be getting a pay rise, would I?

Don't push your luck, Herbie.

You understand that you're not under arrest at this moment, Mrs Sanders?

Yes, thank you.

So, tell us about Martin Updike.

We met in Ashfordly.

There were no free tables in the caff, so he ended up sharing mine.

- He chatted you up? - I suppose.

I didn't set out to have an affair, but he was so different from Hugh.

Exciting.

When did he bring up the idea of the savings scheme?

Not straightaway.

He kept trying to get me to buy things I couldn't afford.

He seemed incredulous that I didn't belong to a savings and loan.

He said all the ladies in Nottingham did,

that's how they got the things they wanted,

a few pennies put aside each week, that's all it took.

It seemed such a good idea.

So you went around getting all your friends to join?

It took off. Everyone wanted in, and the money built up really quickly.

Believe me, Sergeant Merton, I'd no idea what he was up to.

Do you honestly think I'd have let my friends down like that,

especially Jenny?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Could I have a word, Sarge?

I've just spoken with Updike.

He's admitted to the savings-and-loan scam.

What did he say about Mrs Sanders? Was she in on it or not?

Not at first, but she guessed soon enough and wanted to go with him.

And he had no intention of taking her?

Share the money? Not in his nature, if you ask me, Sarge.

- Good work, Bellamy. Thank you. - Sarge?

When he told her that she didn't feature in his future plans,

as he put it, she went berserk and grabbed the steering wheel.

He reckons she tried to k*ll him.

One of my constables has just spoken to Martin Updike.

He says that you knew exactly what was going on.

I had my suitcase all packed.

I thought he loved me.

I was willing to risk everything.

Stupid, wasn't I?

He just used me to get the money and now I've nothing.

You were in the car when he told you?

I just... I don't know, I went mad, I suppose.

I grabbed the steering wheel. I didn't care if we crashed.

You could have died. Both of you.

He was my only way out. Do you see?

And if he wouldn't take me with him, I didn't want to live,

and I didn't want him to either.

Mr Norton. Come through.

Sorry to drop in on you like this, only...

I felt bad about how we left things earlier.

No. I shouldn't have interfered.

It's just that I felt bad for Herbie.

You had every right. He's your patient.

And you'll be pleased to know, I've found a solution. I've promoted him.

- Promoted him? - Hm. Head gamekeeper.

That way, he gets a lad to help him while he trains him up.

That's wonderful.

But is there enough work for two gamekeepers plus yourself?

Well, I promise not to tell Lord Ashfordly if you don't.

- But there are conditions. - And what are they?

Well, call me Ben and, er...

You let me take you for a drink.

Sarge...

What's he doing here?

I've come to take my wife home, if you've finished with her.

I'm afraid your wife won't be going home tonight, Mr Sanders.

We've charged her with malicious wounding.

REFLECTIVE PIANO PIECE PLAYS

SHE SOBS

Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs Maud Boothroyd.

SPARSE APPLAUSE

Come on, we're late. David, you can't take him in there.

Bernard, what are we doing here? We didn't enter the competition!

You did. I put your poem in.

BOOTHROYD: A sad reflection, some might say,

on the lack of interest in literature today.

However, there was one particular entry

which displayed an extremely keen knowledge of classical poetry.

Do we have a Mr Vernon Scripps here?

Well, we obviously had to eliminate yours, Mr Scripps, for plagiarism.

I was hardly likely not to recognise Byron, was I?

- You... - Shh!

That left just two poems,

one of which was, erm, strange and interesting,

but the other one was clearly the winner.

So without further ado, I would like to award the prize for his poem

"Ode to Alfred" to Mr David Stockwell.

APPLAUSE

Well, I'd best get back to Mrs Ventress and face the music.

Alf, I am so sorry.

- Aye. - You weren't to know, Jen.

I'd have entered mine if I'd known you were gonna be cheating.

I didn't cheat. I just got confused. I thought I'd written it.

- I've won! - What? The poetry competition?

- Well done, David! - You wrote a poem and it won?

Yeah. It wasn't a lovey-dovey one.

I took your advice and I wrote it all about Alfred.

Come on, then, David, let's hear it.

I want to hear it an' all, seeing as I was done out of my prize.

It's called "Ode to Alfred".

ALFRED WHIMPERS

"The greatest love I've ever found

comes not from man, but from a hound,

who greets me daily with a barking sound

as on my bed he loves to bound, does Alfred.

"At my side as I walk around, he runs along and sniffs the ground.

"My friend is worth a million pound.

"My good and loyal, faithful hound, is Alfred." And that's it.

ALL CLAP

It would have beaten mine.

- So who are you taking to dinner? - Not Alfred, I hope.

No.

I thought maybe Gina and Mr Bellamy might like to have it.

I thought, after all that's happened,

they might deserve it more than me.

Here.

EVERYONE CLAPS