13x20 - Swansong

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss

♪ When my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss

♪ Stay in my memory? ♪

MUSIC: 'Something 'Bout You Baby I Like' by Tom Jones

SHEEP BLEATING

♪ I see you everyday walking down the avenue

♪ I'd like to get to know you but all I do is smile at you

♪ Cos when it comes to talking my tongue gest uptight... ♪

Now, as Golf Captain, this, to me, has always been

the highlight of the golfing year.

The presentation of the Sidney Baxter Memorial Cup!

To present the trophy, we're very lucky

to have with us again this year

Sidney's widow, the lovely Shirley.

APPLAUSE

Now, those of you who played against him know,

Sidney was a man who took his golf seriously.

A bit too seriously at times, if you ask me, Oscar.

CHUCKLING

Which is why this Club's most prestigious and coveted trophy

is named after him.

I always thought that if he hadn't dedicated his life

to being the biggest rug manufacturer in the county,

he could have been up there with Arnold Palmer!

So without further ado,

I'd like to call upon Shirley to present the cup

to this year's winner,

Mr Terry Hyde.

APPLAUSE

Well done, love.

Come on. Mwah!

There you are. Oh - big smile.

Is it me, or are they getting younger every year?

- Aye. I'll get you another drink. - Ooh, yes, please.

Mother, we should be going.

Going? You know, I'm sure that hospital gave me the wrong baby.

You could go home, if you like. I'm here to have some fun.

SHIRLEY: The night is young, eh, Oscar?

VIOLIN PLAYS

And they're playing our song. Come on, Oscar, best foot forward.

- Er... Yes, well, I... - Come on.

It's been a long time.

OSCAR MUTTERS PROTESTS

CAR APPROACHES

All you all right, Harry?

You sounded a bit upset on the phone.

You'll soon see why.

BLEATING

STEVE: You starting a new fashion trend round here, Mr Pilbeam?

MR PILBEAM: These are just the survivors.

Half a dozen pregnant ewes I've found dead on them moors.

It's no laughing matter.

They died of hypothermia, then, these sheep?

They died because some villain robbed 'em of their fleeces.

How?

They've been shorn! Are you blind?

It's a tricky business, shearing a sheep out on the moors

in the middle of the night.

MR PILBEAM: Well, the fleece of a Swaledale's worth a bob or two.

There must be easier things to steal.

Have you any idea who's behind it?

MUSIC: 'You Were Made For Me' by Freddie And The Dreamers

♪ You were made for me

♪ You were made for me

♪ Everybody tells me so

♪ You were made for me

♪ You were made for me... ♪

- Hello, love. Is the boss about? - Actually, I'm the boss.

Oh, Shirley, this is a surprise.

Well... What happened to YOU last night, Oscar?

I popped to the ladies and when I came back, you'd gone.

Yes. It was past my bedtime.

Not to worry.

I'm planning a little soiree this evening.

Just one or two close friends,

a few bottles of bubbly and Old Blue Eyes on the turntable.

I was wondering if you'd like to join us.

Er... Well, yes, that... would've been lovely,

but unfortunately it's... Gina's night off.

I'm sure she wouldn't mind. Would you?

Ordinarily, no, but... I can't ask her, Shirley.

Not with her mother so poorly and, er, in hospital.

Oh... Oh, I see.

Oh, pity.

Well, another time, perhaps.

Er, yes, yes. It would be my pleasure.

Bye.

Bye.

♪ Every hand was made to hold another tenderly

Legging it while she was in the loo!

Not very gentlemanly, Oscar.

Just keep smiling and, er, waving, Gina.

Saying my mum's poorly!

Yes, well, circumstances sometimes call for extreme measures.

Yeah. She's going. Go on, wave.

(CHUCKLES) Bye...

♪ Tell me then that you don't know

♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da da-da, da-da

♪ Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da... ♪

You're up bright and early.

Mr Norton, have you had any bother with your sheep?

Sheep? Not that I'm aware of.

You recently took on a new shepherd?

Yeah, Bob... Foxton. Been with us a couple of months now.

He came with good references, then?

BEN SIGHS I've come across Harry Pilbeam.

Let's just say he's a difficult bloke to work for.

I'm surprised Bob stuck it as long as he did.

Well, somebody got hold of Harry Pilbeam's sheep in the dead of night

and robbed them of their fleeces.

What, they were shorn?

At least half a dozen of them froze to death

and he reckons that Bob Foxton was behind it.

Better get this sorted right away, then.

GINA: There you go.

You feeling any better?

I reckon I slept for ten hours. Food on the plane was pretty grim.

Now, this looks great.

- Thank you, Gina. - You're welcome.

Hi, Bernie.

Mr Kelly? I'm Bernard Scripps, the funeral director.

Bernie! Good to meet you at last. Pull up a chair, mate.

I must admit I'm really surprised to meet you.

All the way from Australia?

I didn't think anyone was actually going to come.

It's for my Dad, really.

Uncle Charlie was his only brother.

We want to give him a decent send-off,

so we thought at least one member of the family should be at the funeral.

Right.

I took a chance on you, Bob.

BEN: I hope you haven't let me down.

I haven't, Mr Norton.

Mr Pilbeam reckons you've cause to resent him.

I started working for Pilbeam when I was years old.

In ten years he raised my wages once.

BOB: It were a fight to get that.

You admit you don't like him, then?

I ruddy hate him, mean, miserable old so-and-so.

BOB: "Know your place. Don't argue with the gaffer."

But I never touched his sheep. I swear.

Well, I hope you're telling the truth, lad.

Alf!

Sarge wants us back at the station.

I've given it a good wash and a bit of a polish. Come up a...

- Are you all right? - No.

What's the matter? Are you sick?

Sick?

I may as well be.

When folk find out, we're going to be out of business.

Reputation ruined!

Why?

Charlie Kelly, the old boy who died a couple of weeks ago.

Yeah, the one that we just...

His nephew's just arrived from Australia.

For the funeral. Wants to give him a proper send-off!

Hang on. This is the old man with no friends,

the one that we just buried yesterday?

I thought I were doing them a favour, saving them some money.

Vicar had a late cancellation.

How was I supposed to know the relatives were coming over?

GROANS

Right. There's the Pilbeams' farm

and we've had reports from four other places.

Must have had a busy night, our phantom sheep shearers.

More or less lets Bob Foxton off the hook.

Pilbeam pointed the finger at him. Said he had a grudge.

They've taken fleeces in one night, and we're still counting.

Suggests to me the motive's commercial.

I've got a witness, Sarge.

He reckons he saw three men just before dawn

in a Land Rover with a trailer... around here.

Didn't get a registration, though.

So what are we dealing with? An outside g*ng?

Probably.

They must have sold the fleeces on to someone.

That's true. Why don't you get on that, Ventress?

You two, ask around the area.

Any more sightings, strangers in the district, that sort of thing.

I don't think they're going to hang about

so let's get a move on with this one.

If you think you can manage that, Ventress (!)

You could do worse, Oscar.

That posh car. She looks pretty well-heeled to me.

If you ask me, it was her that drove poor old Sid into an early grave.

Have you nicked him, then?

Er, no, Harry, it's a bit more complicated than that.

You know Eddie Butterton, my cousin? He owns the neighbouring farm.

He's been hit, an' all.

So have a lot of people,

so it rather leaves Bob Foxton off the hook.

He's a ruddy good shearer. I know, I taught him.

Well, we're looking into it, anyway, OK?

Now I'm going to have a pint, if you don't mind.

Alf. The usual?

Ta.

So have you decided what to get Mrs V for your anniversary yet, Alf?

Oh, don't remind me.

Another ruddy wedding anniversary.

I've racked my brains, but I don't know what she wants.

Hey, how about a nice rug?

A Baxter's. I bet she'd love one of them.

A Baxter's? I can't afford one of those!

What if you had a friend who could get you discount?

But I don't.

Oscar knows Shirley Baxter. Don't you, Oscar?

Give it a rest, will you, Gina?

Oh, look who it isn't!

Proud of yourself, are you, Mr Norton?

I beg your pardon?

Bet your life nothing's happened to any of His Lordship's sheep!

That's a very serious accusation.

Which you wouldn't be saying, Harry, if you weren't drunk.

I suggest you take him home.

I speak my mind. He doesn't belong round here.

Ashfordly should employ a local man!

Come on, Harry. Out you go.

A fight in the boozer, eh? Makes me feel right at home.

Oh.

Mrs Ventress's sister's got one of these.

Very snooty she is about it, too.

Mr Blaketon.

Ah, Richard. It's nice to see you.

This is a friend of mine, Alf Ventress.

It's his wedding anniversary coming up soon.

Ah, I see. And you're looking for something special

for your good lady?

Well, you've come to the right place, Mr Ventress.

That's what I told him.

Is your mother about?

Well, she doesn't involve herself much in the business nowadays,

but I'm sure I can help Mr Ventress with his purchase, though.

Yes, well, I'm sure you can,

but the thing is, Richard, I think I might've offended her.

I doubt it.

Well, we'll just have a look around

and Alf can make his choice and, er, we'll pop back later.

- Best not to upset her, eh? - OK.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

I'm really sorry I'm late back, Sarge,

but I can explain.

- You see... - No, no. Please, Alf. Take a seat.

As you know, I was at Division this morning.

SIGHS

I'm actually not quite sure how to begin.

There's been a change of policy,

or at least a firming-up of existing regulations.

Regulations on what?

Retirement.

Given manpower shortages in the past,

it's been the practice to encourage officers

to stay beyond the usual retirement age,

but nobody at Division quite realised

how many extensions you've had, Alf.

Oh...

You're saying they want me to retire?

I'm afraid they do.

When?

You've slipped through the net and they're a bit embarrassed.

What with your accrued holiday leave...

What are we talking?

End of the week.

MUSIC: 'It's Getting Late' by Manfred Mann

ENGINE REVS

♪ It's getting late yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yes!

♪ I wonder what can be wrong

♪ Uh, uh

♪ It's getting late yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ And what's taking so long

♪ Uh, uh

♪ Baby, I'd hate to think you might sneak

SHOTGUN BLASTS

♪ Baby, don't want to play hide and seek

♪ Because I don't want to find that I've been left behind

BANGING AT DOOR

♪ I'm not suspicious but I'm gonna be... ♪

BANGING CONTINUES

All right!

I've seen them!

I've only just missed them.

Slow down, Mr Pilbeam.

I presume you're talking about the sheep shearers?

They were loading up the gear.

If I'd been a bit earlier, I'd have had 'em!

Did you recognise them?

I weren't close enough to see their faces, but it were Foxton.

You saw Bob Foxton?

If you stopped asking daft questions and got yourself down there now,

like as not, you'd catch 'em with them fleeces!

You didn't actually see Bob Foxton?

Look, I know it was Foxton!

Did you get the registration?

No, and I didn't have a pencil to write it down, neither!

Are you gonna get off your backside and do something?

Mr Pilbeam...

No, you're not, are you? Lazy, idle good-for-nothings, the lot of you!

Beats me what I pay my rates for!

You buried his uncle two days ago?!

Yeah. I dug the grave.

He's come all the way from Australia

for a funeral that's already happened.

Well, it's an honest mistake, Bernie.

Yeah, and honesty is the best policy.

Mr Vernon always says that.

Pity he doesn't take his own advice.

- Alf. - Ta.

So, er, what did Merton say, exactly?

Well, they're pensioning me off.

The end of the week, I'm out of a job.

That's a bit sudden, isn't it?

The bureaucrats have caught up with me, Oscar.

It's all forthwith and you're out on your ear.

I'm really sorry, Alf.

Still, you'll get a decent pension.

And all the time in the world

to do those things you've only dreamt about doing.

Like what?

I don't know. Bird-watching? A bit of fishing? Golf?

DOOR OPENS

- Gina? - Hi, Phil.

PHIL: How's things?

GINA: Fine, thanks.

Look at the state of you!

Just been up at Uncle Charlie's place

trying to sort a few things out.

Had to walk back in the dark.

Looks like you walked halfway across the moors.

You're telling me, I got a bit lost!

Sorry about the boots.

I'll get them cleaned up for you.

She's a jewel, eh?

Yeah.

I was hoping to catch you, Mr Kelly.

Hey, it's Kevin.

I've just been up at the farm. You know what I found? A cine camera.

Now, I need to find a local photographer

so I can record it all for my dad.

You want to... film the funeral?

I know it's a bit unusual

but, you see, you have to understand about my dad and Uncle Charlie.

Dad feels awful about how things ended up.

I thought they hadn't met for years.

Nearly years.

I don't think Charlie ever forgave Dad, though,

for leaving him in the lurch and running off to Australia.

The funeral's our way of saying sorry.

Well, I'm sure if he's up there looking down on you now,

he knows your Dad's sorry.

At least this'll help him make his peace with Charlie.

Right, what are you blokes drinking?

DOOR OPENS

Yeah, sorry, I'm late. I've had Harry Pilbeam banging on my door.

Reckons he nearly caught the sheep shearers red-handed.

- What, tonight? - Yeah, on the top road.

I've been up on my bike and had a look, but there was no sign.

Really?

Sorry I'm late, love. I've had a right day of it.

SIGHS When haven't you?

No, I had to tell Alf Ventress he's got to retire.

You can imagine how that went down.

- Here, let me give you a hand. - I can manage.

Your supper's in the oven. I doubt it's fit to eat now, though.

I could always pop out and get us fish and chips. Fancy that?

I've been struggling with these for an hour. I'd rather go for a drink.

Could do. Bit tired, though.

Forget it, then.

No, no, if you want to go out...

Dennis, I said it doesn't matter.

They look nice.

That's the idea.

OWL HOOTS

Busy night, lad?

Just keeping a close eye out, with this bother.

I bet you are.

You might fool that soppy so-and-so Norton, but you don't fool me.

Look, I know nowt about your sheep

and I don't work for you no more, so just get lost, will you?

How dare you talk to me like that, you lippy little...

Go home, Harry.

DOG BARKS

DOG CONTINUES TO BARK Oi!

FAST-APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

What on Earth's going on?

(DRUNKENLY) I swore I'd sort this out... and I have.

DOG GROWLS

DOG GROWLS MENACINGLY

BEN YELLS IN PAIN

DOG BARKS

What am I going to do?

I've never heard of anybody filming a funeral.

When's he going to watch it? After tea on a Sunday?

This is not a joke, David. I've got to find a way of telling him.

Perhaps not.

It's only been in the ground for a couple of days.

The coffin'll hardly be marked.

Why don't we just, you know, dig it up?

- Pardon? - Well, we'll have another funeral,

bury it again and everyone will be happy.

Exhuming bodies is a very serious business.

You need the proper permission.

In that case, we won't ex... hume it.

We'll just dig it up.

It's out of the question!

Anyway, what would we tell the Vicar?

It's all right, girls.

I'm going to keep you warm.

SHEEP BLEAT

There. Ssh. It's all right.

MERTON: Got yourself in a right mess this time, haven't you, Harry?

Right is right.

You lot were doing nowt.

You've fractured Bob Foxton's skull. Is that right?

Doctors are operating on him now. He might die!

I never meant to... I only wanted...

OK, Mr Pilbeam. Let's go, shall we?

BLEATING

Oscar, I don't see how I'm ever going to afford this

now I'm retiring.

Don't you worry, Alf.

I am going to get you a whacking great discount.

SHIRLEY: Oscar! CHUCKLES

Shirley.

Mwah!

Oh, and this must be Alfred.

A nice rug for your lady wife.

There's not many men know their wives well enough to think of that!

Actually, I don't...

The last of the great romantics, is Alfred.

Worships the ground she walks on.

Oh, you must give Oscar some tips.

Mother!

Can I have a word, please?

I'm busy. I thought you were sorting out the delivery?

This is important.

SHIRLEY SIGHS

I'm trying to run a business. It's hard enough

Without giving huge discounts

to every old bloke that takes your fancy!

Oh, you are an impudent young pup!

I'm , Mother, and if you don't take my advice,

this firm is going under.

That midwife! She definitely gave me the wrong baby.

Now, then, Alfred, let's sort you out a nice rug!

Come on.

I've spoken to the hospital this morning.

Bob Foxton is out of danger.

I only ever meant to give him a good hiding.

You're charged with GBH

and I'm bailing you in the sum of £

to appear before the magistrates in seven days' time.

I've sorted bail out.

- You all right, Harry? - Aye.

Sign here, Mr Pilbeam.

And stay off the booze.

I've been doing some thinking, Sarge,

about the disposal of these fleeces.

Ach, don't you worry about that, Ventress.

Crane can look into that side of things.

Probably never expected to hear me say this but put your feet up.

You've earned it.

Yes, but...

Why don't you put the kettle on, Alf?

Right. What about this Australian?

It seems a bit of a coincidence, if you ask me.

PHIL: Him arriving just as it all kicks off.

SARGE: Not all Australians are sheep shearers.

STEVE: Well, he says he's here to bury his uncle.

Yeah, Charlie Kelly. He was a sheep farmer.

Was he, indeed?

You could be onto something there.

Well spotted, Bellamy.

Why would anyone come all the way here from Australia

to nick a few fleeces?

Sorry, Ventress?

Er, nothing, Sarge.

SARGE: All I need is for you to sign a statement.

I don't want any fuss!

Fuss? He could've k*lled you!

The thing is, Mr Norton,

it's been very tough for hill farmers the last couple of years.

Then this business. Some are bound to go under.

I don't understand your attitude, Bob.

Do you know who's behind this?

I don't know anything!

But I know how they all feel

and I don't want to make it worse.

Hmm. You get some rest, eh?

MUSIC: 'I See The Rain' by Marmalade

Are you getting anywhere, Sergeant?

We think it's most likely a g*ng of outsiders.

Yeah. That would be my bet, too.

♪ Beautiful day

♪ I'd like to lie on the green lawn

♪ The ducks are congregating round

♪ Round the lily pond

♪ And the cows have all gone... ♪

I never realised you blokes were the local plods.

Didn't you? I'm surprised you're paying out for a room at the pub.

Why don't you stay here?

You want to take a look inside the main house.

That'll answer your question.

Poor old Uncle Charlie wasn't too hot at domestic chores.

Does sheep farming run in the family?

No way, mate! I'm a motor mechanic.

And I've succeeded in getting Uncle Charlie's old wagon going,

which is a near-miracle, if I do say so myself.

Why, what you going to do with it?

Oh. Sell it, I reckon.

What's so funny?

You think it's me, don't you?

LAUGHS

Going around shearing all these ruddy sheep!

CONTINUES LAUGHING

If I'd have known, I'd have brought my hat with the little corks on it!

Well, CAN you shear sheep?

Listen,

my dad moved halfway around the world to get away from sheep.

He started a garage business in Sydney.

I'm a city boy. I know nothing about farming.

Well, we're sorry to have bothered you.

By the way, you know Gina at the pub?

Has, er, she got a boyfriend?

Why do you ask?

I thought I might take her out.

Don't want to tread on anyone's toes.

You wouldn't be.

Felt to me like he was telling the truth, Sarge.

No! He's taking the mickey. We should put him under surveillance.

You're the one who asked him if he could shear sheep.

Not exactly subtle interrogation, was it?

Yeah, all right. That's enough.

You were just told to go there and look the place over.

Surely no-one would go to all this trouble

unless they knew they could sell the fleeces.

I've been into all that.

Fleeces can only be sold through the Wool Marketing Board.

Have you never heard of the black market?

I take your point, Crane, but we'll keep an eye on him, anyway.

Up to you, Sarge.

Let's get on with it, then.

MUSIC: 'Midnight In Moscow' by Kenny Ball And His Jazzmen

Thought this were for the scrap heap?

Four good retreads, I reckon I'll sell it.

I've got some old tyres out the back might be good enough.

Bernie. I was wondering if I could see him.

See who?

Uncle Charlie.

I presume he's in your chapel of rest?

Er... Well, no.

Hospital mortuary, still.

Er...

You're Charlie Kelly's nephew, aren't you?

I'm Liz Merrick, I'm the local GP here.

I'm really pleased to meet you, Doctor.

He went pretty quickly in the end, if that's any consolation to you.

Yeah, it is. Thank you.

You couldn't fix it for me to visit him, could you?

Visit him?

The public's probably not allowed in the hospital mortuary, eh?

No, I thought... Wasn't he...

No! No, no, no, no. We've... had a bit of backlog.

LIZ: Oh, I see.

I could ask, if you like.

Thank you, I'd appreciate that.

SHIRLEY: I'm surprised Oscar never let on

you were one of our boys in blue. LOOMS CLATTER

I'm just about to retire.

My late husband was a great friend of the Chief Constable.

We went to all the big functions.

So you get all your wool through the Wool Marketing Board?

Absolutely. We pride ourselves on sticking to tradition.

A Baxter's rug is made entirely from the wool of local Swaledales.

Has anyone offered to sell you the fleeces direct?

You know, on the black market?

No, that wouldn't be allowed. It's all very regulated.

SHIRLEY: Lovey, you remember PC Ventress.

You've come to look at some more rugs, PC Ventress?

Oh, plus a bit of official business.

I've just been warning Shirley,

there's some black-market wool going round.

- Really? - Stolen, would you believe!

No! Well, we'll certainly keep an eye out, then.

I'd be grateful if you would.

Everyone that looks twice at Gina, you decide is a villain.

That's not true.

Hold on.

Looks like he's off.

He knows all about it.

You can tell from the look on his face.

Mm. Do you think Shirley knows?

No. What about Merton?

I haven't told him yet.

I doubt he'd listen.

Whyever not?

Well, ever since they've known that I'm retiring,

it's as though I'm not there.

They're not interested in what I think.

It's all, "Put your feet up, make yourself a cup of tea."

Being pensioned off is... is equal to useless in their book.

Well, maybe you and I can still show them a thing or two, Alf.

Let's do a bit of detective work on our own.

PHIL: If you don't speed up, we'll lose him.

STEVE: There's not that much traffic on the road,

I don't want to get too close.

STEVE: I thought you said it was too cold to snow.

PHIL CHUCKLES

Shirley, we're here to help you.

I know you are, lovey, and I do appreciate it.

We did overhear your son talking about business difficulties.

Hm! Difficulties!

Nobody wants quality any more,

just cheap foreign imports.

Sid's great-grandfather started this firm.

At one time, every home of distinction in the North of England

had at LEAST one Baxter's rug.

Now...

fitted carpets!

Have Baxter's been buying stolen fleeces?

After you came to the factory this afternoon

I asked my son the same question.

He denied it.

But I know he was lying.

Oh, Sid must be turning in his grave!

We're going to end up bankrupt and disgraced.

What am I going to do, Oscar?

Don't worry, Shirley.

Maybe there's a way round this.

The table's booked for eight o'clock.

You sure you don't want me to drive?

One-handed?

PERSISTENT BARKING

Hang on a second.

- I'm just going to take a look. - Uh-uh!

I've just dropped them off at the station.

They're spending the night in Leeds,

but then they're gonna go stay in London.

- They just caught the last train. - Who?

It's the Vicar and his wife,

they're gonna stay with her sister in London for a week.

They're going to be gone for a whole week!

Are you sure about this?

Yeah, they had a right big suitcase with 'em!

No. No! It'd be totally wrong.

Did you see anyone?

No. The dogs started to kick up a rumpus.

That's what alerted us. We've definitely been hit.

I won't be able to do a proper count in the morning.

I can't believe they'd come this near to Ashfordly Hall.

This might finally convince Pilbeam that it isn't Bob Foxton.

Ah! The heavy mob, eh?

This is a warrant to search these premises.

Any objections?

You might need a pair of these.

Look, I know I messed you about a bit.

In what way, Mr Kelly?

Your blokes were trying to follow me so I gave them the slip.

But I was just having a bit of fun.

And where were you last night?

I was at the cinema in Ashfordly

with Gina from the pub.

Gina Ward?

- We'll be checking that. - Be my guest.

The big shed at the back, it's padlocked.

You got a key for it?

Probably, er, somewhere.

♪ ROLF HARRIS: Sun Arise

♪ Sun arise she bring in the morning

♪ Sun arise, bring in the morning

♪ Fluttering her skirts all around

♪ Sun arise she come with the dawning

♪ Sun arise, come with the dawning

♪ Spreading all the light all around... ♪

Well, blow me down!

Well, I'm no expert,

but I'd say that looks very much like sheep-shearing equipment.

Oh, I've never seen this gear before, I swear to you.

Who does it belong to, then? Uncle Charlie's ghost?

I think we'd better continue this discussion

down at the police station, Mr Kelly.

SHIRLEY: He's just a little lad, really.

I do hope I'm doing the right thing!

Shirley, you are. Believe me.

MUSIC: 'Pictures Of Matchstick Men' by Status Quo

♪ When I look up to the sky

♪ I see your eyes

♪ A funny kind of yellow

♪ I rush home to bed

♪ I soaked my head

♪ I see your face underneath my pillow... ♪

ALF: Unusual way to get your deliveries(!)

Your mother is very disappointed in you, Richard.

This is getting beyond a joke!

I just came to England to bury my Uncle.

And you've never seen the Land Rover or the trailer in the shed before?

No! For the umpteenth time, I've never been in that shed.

They're not mine and I've no idea how they got there!

It was on your property.

My dad's, to be precise.

Perhaps you want to take the next plane to Sydney and arrest him.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Excuse me, Sarge. Alf's on the phone.

He needs to use the van.

He's just recovered a dozen stolen fleeces.

I had a meeting at the bank. They threatened to call in the loans.

I had to do something.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want you to be upset.

Oh, he is a good son, isn't he?

No, I'm not. I could never match up to him!

I've been trying to persuade you for years to get new equipment in,

just change the work methods so we could be more efficient,

but you, you wouldn't have it!

Everything me Dad did was sacrosanct.

We couldn't change anything!

We're a traditional firm, lovey.

And as a result we're going broke!

People want fitted carpets. They like 'em.

So how did you set it all up?

I met this fella at the market. I was complaining about the prices.

He said knew someone who might be persuaded to help me out.

ALF: And who was that?

Charlie Kelly.

The old farmer who's just died?

I talked to him about a month ago.

He said he could let me have as many fleeces as I wanted

at a third of WMB prices.

He dropped dead of a heart attack. I thought that was it.

Then I got left a note

telling me where to collect the fleeces

and where to leave the money.

Do you know who he was working with?

I've no idea.

Charlie Kelly, eh?

Maybe the nephew was party to it all along and just decided to carry on.

Well, it seems unlikely to me, Sarge.

Richard Baxter said

that all Charlie ever did was moan about his relatives in Australia.

Well, if it wasn't Kevin Kelly, then who's been shearing all these sheep?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, it has to be someone local with a knowledge of the moors.

I'd like to have a go at finding out who it is, Sarge.

Sort of a swan song, eh?

Well, I haven't done too badly so far!

Better than the rest of us, you mean?

I wouldn't say that, Sarge.

Oh, not to my face, maybe.

But it's what you've been thinking, you and Oscar Blaketon.

Well, if you can get it sorted out, and quickly,

I've certainly no objections.

LOOMS CLATTER RHYTHMICALLY

I did what you said,

- left them a note. - Hmm.

This was pushed through the letterbox an hour ago.

Pick up, usual place, dawn tomorrow.

- He's a good lad. - Shirley, can I use your phone?

Yes, of course.

Alf? It's me.

We're in business. They're coming out tonight.

So tell Merton we need to stake out the Kelly farm.

Good.

Oscar...

About us.

Us?

Mm.

I know you had hopes.

Indeed, I did myself.

- Well, I... - No.

Do not say anymore.

I know now

why all this terrible business has happened.

It's a sign, from up there.

Sid's had a word in the Governor's ear.

Has he? I see.

And he's right.

We can't see each other anymore.

I am so sorry.

I hope you can bear it.

Well, it's a big disappointment to me, Shirley, but...

...I do understand.

I'll just have to live with it.

DIGGING

This is wrong.

This is very wrong!

Sometimes you have to do wrong to do right.

That's what Mr Vernon says.

You're to tell no-one.

Especially not Vernon.

Promise me, David.

Yeah, I promise.

Scout's honour.

When were you in the Scouts?

Well, I wasn't, but I always wanted to be.

But my mother thought they were too rough and lit too many fires.

There's a locum vicar covering the parish,

but he's got to come over from Whitby.

I've already phoned him and he's got a slot.

So we're doing this for old Charlie's family.

BARKING

Delta Alpha two-four to Panda One, over.

Sarge, they've arrived. Over and out.

Alf, they've arrived at the farm. They're picking up the gear.

Yes, well, good detective work always pays off, eh, Alf?

Don't rub it in, Oscar.

MUSIC: 'Come On Let's Go Little Darlin'' by Ritchie Valens

♪ Well, come on, let's go let's go, let's go, little darlin'

Right, Sarge. Over.

They're headed up the valley this way.

Wanna come with me? Might need your knowledge of the area.

- I'll get my g*n. - No, Harry!

Leave it to us. Get in.

♪ Come on, let's go, little darlin'

STEVE ON RADIO: 'Delta-Alpha two-four to Panda One.

'We're turning off the road up a track

about a half a mile from High Barrow. Over.'

Er, righto, Steve. Thanks. Over and out.

If you go back past the church, there's a little lane on the left.

It cuts off the corner.

You know, I think I'm nearly there.

It's the police!

Somebody's told them!

But nobody knows we're here!

POLICE CAR DRIVES PAST

They've gone. I knew this was a bad idea. David!

David! Come on, get on with it. Quickly!

MUSIC: 'Catch Us If You Can' by The Dave Clark Five

♪ Here they come again, mm-mm-mm

♪ Catch us if you can, mm-mm-mm

♪ Time to get a move on, mm-mm-mm

♪ We will yell with all of our might

♪ Catch us if you can

♪ Catch us if you can

♪ Catch us if you can ♪ Catch us if you can

♪ Catch us if you can

GROANS I beg your pardon.

- You're all under arrest! - Nice one, Alf.

♪ No more time for fun, mmm

Come on.

Gotcha.

♪ We will yell with all of our might ♪

Eddie?

I knew it must be somebody local, but you?

My own cousin?!

Needs must, Harry.

How could you rob your own kind?

Your own family?

They're the easiest people to rob.

Hey, hey, come on! Leave it!

You get them?

Yes, thanks.

We've arrested a local farmer and two men that worked for him.

Oh, and Richard Baxter's been charged with handling stolen goods.

Yeah. My grandfather left the farm to my Dad and Uncle Charlie equally.

Charlie wouldn't have that. He wanted everything.

He always was a twister.

So Dad just walked out, told him to stuff it.

Sounds like he made the right choice.

I reckon he did.

Large scotch please, Gina.

I've sorted it out for you, Bernie. I've told him.

Told him what?

Gina explained. About the funeral taking place before I arrived.

Why didn't you just tell me, Bernie?

Well, I were... planning to.

I'm gonna go up to the churchyard

and have a look at the grave tomorrow myself.

I hear you've done a lovely job.

It just needs a bit of tidying up, headstone putting in.

We'll sort all that out, though.

MUSIC: 'Sha-Na-Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye' by The Dave Clark Five

♪ Sha-na-na-na

♪ Sha-na-na-na

♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ Goodbye

♪ Sha-na-na-na... ♪

Last day, Alf.

I think we should all raise our mugs.

Yep. Good luck, Alf.

Enjoy your retirement, Alf.

Well, I'm beginning to think it might be nice.

Mrs Ventress wants me to have an allotment.

Yeah, well, I hope your replacement can make a brew.

Well, we won't be getting any new officers just yet.

Thinking of giving us a civilian administrator.

Hey! Might be a woman.

Yeah.

DOOR OPENS

Shirley Baxter wants you to have this, Alf,

as a token of her appreciation.

Oh, I really am very touched.

It's hard to imagine how you're going to cope, Sergeant,

without any real detectives.

Well, we'll just have to muddle through, Oscar.