09x04 - Mole-Mapping

[bunniefuu]

# I'm not sick, but I'm not well #

# And I'm so hot #

# Cos I'm in hell. #

JEZ: Gorgeous Joe. I want to crawl
inside your lovely pink mouth.

Jez, I need to get to work.

Oh, yeah, of course. Me, too.
Busy, busy, busy.

Storage Wars, Walnut Whip,
wank into a flannel.

Cos, like, who's the most famous person
you've life-coached?

I would probably have to say...

Think of someone famous,
think of someone famous.

...the Queen.

Interesting choice.

The Queen?

Yeah, it was either the Queen
or Jenson Button,

but in the end
I'd probably have to say the Queen.

You've life-coached the Queen?

It wasn't just me. A small cadre of life
coaches were airlifted into Highgrove.

What was she like?

She is...

outlandish.

She's funny, she's saucy,
and she's got the filthiest laugh.

Kind of...

Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh...

Wow. No offence, Jez,

I just thought your life-coaching
was maybe a part-time thing,

cos you do it out of your bedroom.

(LAUGHS) Oh, Joe.

I have an office, obvs.

- Whereabouts?
- It's...

You know the office block
on the corner of, er, Cowper Street?

- Yeah.
- Oh. You do? Great.

Yeah, well, I have a place there.

I'll have to pay you a visit sometime.

Yep. You do that.

This is just another small,
insignificant lie I'll have to maintain

until the day 5 die.

Mark still thinks I know
What the public sector is.

MARK: Right, I want to b*at Angus
but f*ck April.

Freudian mixed doubles.
Jeremy, can you hold your racket up?

Oh, this is just one thing
after a-bloody-nother.

Face forward, please, Jeremy.

- Actually, I'm probably going to go.
- You can't go. This is match point.

Ooh, are we going to win the match?
What if we lose the match?

The match, the match, the match!

Can we just finish the game
and do this afterwards, please?

Fine. If it comes at me again,
I'm not hitting it.

Unlucky, Angus.
Welcome to hell,

- old man!
- sh*t, Mark.

Can I go now, cos I am only here
so you can f*ck the historian,

and I really don't see that happening.

It's Angus. They've made up
and now he's everywhere.

I invite her to the library,
he offers to give us a lift.

Tennis...he makes it doubles.

I mean, just look at him,
hogging his wife.

The big, brainy, wife-hogging sh*t.

JEZ: f*ck tennis. It's basically
bullshit ping pong for giants.

- I'll bring the car around.
- OK.

MARK“. Now, Mark;.

Steal his Wife
While he fetches the Vectra.

So, April, there's a... there's a talk on
at the British Academy on Friday.

Andrew Roberts doing a jam
on World w*r I trench letters.

Love amongst the mustard gas.

There's literally
only two tickets left, sadly.

Cos I bought the last eight
and b*rned the other six.

- So I'm wondering if you'd...
- Oh, Mark, I'd love to, but...

It's kind of embarrassing,
but I'm going to have my moles mapped.

- Oh?
- Yeah, I can get a little bit jumpy...

mole-wise. Freckle on my kneecap...
"That wasn't there yesterday!"

Next thing,
I'm picking at it with a craft Kn*fe,

trying to cauterise the wound with
one of those creme brûlée torches.

Oh, April and your charming neuroses?!

I've been looking for a half-decent
mole-mapping place for ages.

By no means am I excessively moley,
it's not like I'm riddled.

I'd just like a full body ordnance survey.

Well, that's amazing,
003 not everybody is up for, you know,

having their genitals photographed.

No, I... I am. I'm bang up for that.

Well, be nice to have some company.

It's a date.

A weird, kind of creepy,
dermatological kind of date.

They all count, April! They all count.

How are you feeling today?

Like a piece of sh*t.

Why is that, do you think?

Because you f*cked my boyfriend
and then you stole my boyfriend.

Interesting.

I f*cking hate you, Jeremy.

You are unmanly.
And you are basically uninteresting.

And you hide behind this mask of,
like, slacker bullshit,

like the fact you've never done anything
with your life

is some kind of Gen X
lifestyle choice, when really...

it's just because
you're a small, talentless worm.

Hunker down, Jeremy,
into the brain bunker.

And you don't deserve Joe, 003 I've been
with him, and he fucks like a dinosaur.

You f*ck like a little child.

Like an eight-year-old that's just been
told off for sucking its thumb.

- OK, that's all we've got time for today.
- No, it isn't.

We've still got 48 minutes left.

Unless you don't want me
to pay you for the full session?

Let's just dive back in, shall we?

Back into the cesspool.

I'm going to make you cry, Jeremy.
I going to make you cry delicious tears,

and then I'm going to collect
those tears in a little silver bowl

and I'm going to drink them all up.

Yeah?

Walnut Whip. Little cry.
Wank into a flannel.

I got the slot immediately after April!

We're going mole mapping!

God, that's romantic, Mark(!) What next?

Take her up in a hot-air balloon,
get your anuses bleached(?)

MARK: It's a date,
and no-one can prove otherwise.

Mark, can I ask you something?
And I want you to be honest.

Am I a sh*t?

Absolutely you're a sh*t.

Milk's gone.

So I am? I'm a sh*t?

Oh, you're 3 sh“, Jeremy;
You are the sh“ on my shoe.

I'm a total sh*t?

A giant, walking, talking,
anthropomorphised sh*t on stilts.

A sh*t for all seasons.

The sh*t man of Europe.

What a total, total sh*t!

Well, I've enjoyed this, Jeremy.

It's pepped me up, it really has.

I need to get my act together, Mark.

Yes, well, I may have mentioned
something about this, Jeremy.

I'm just a waster, floating through life,
jazzing into the flannel.

And Joe, he's like this great guy,
and cool job...

Sorry, you jazz into the flannel?

Oh, don't be so f*cking parochial, Mark.

I'm laying it out there, the inner churn,
the workings of man,

and you're hung up on whose jizz
ends up on what bit of cloth.

- Which flannel, Jeremy?
- I don't know!

I can't be expected to remember
where it all goes.

Right!

Which flannel have you jazzed on?

Answer the f*cking question!

Jesus Christ, Jeremy!

That is beyond the...pale!

You know what? You're right,
I've gone too far this time, Mark.

Well, I am turning a corner.

I'm growing up
and getting an actual office

and I'm going to stop just flinging
my jizz around hither and yon.

How very reassuring(!)
Now, excuse me While I boil-wash my face!

So, where's this gastro pub, then, Hans?

Just up here. They've got 3 (MM.

I call it the ISA,
cos it's basically my pension plan.

Go in there twice a week
and bleed it like a radiator.

Mind you, I've got cramp in my hand from
hitting the £10 repeater so many times.

(DESCENDING BEEF'S)

No, it's turned,
it's f*cking turned on me.

Doesn't look very gastro, Hans.

There's a man over there
eating Quavers out of an ashtray.

Oi, oi, choirboy! Fancy seeing you here.

Jez, this is Wadey,

- mate of mine from Halfords days.
- All right?

Actually, Jez, it's lucky you're here,

cos young Mr Wade here has been off
working at a Center Paras,

- isn't that right, Wadey?
- Yeah, that's right, Hans.

I've been working at a Center Parcs.

Yeah. But he's been made redundant,
sadly.

And I'm thinking maybe
you could have a little chat with him.

Oh, is this about your self-esteem?
Yeah?

Cos I always think self-esteem
is a lot like actual steam.

You can't see it,
but it definitely exists.

No, what I wanted to ask you was...

You know your mate Mark?

Can you get me his swipe card
for the bank?

What's that, sorry?

His swipe card that gets him in the back
of the bank. Can you get it for me?

- Super Hans, quick hatter?
- Mmm.

Wadey, just give us a minute, will you?

All right.

Is he a f*cking bank robber?

Behave!

He's not a bank robber, Jeremy.

He's a burglar.

I'm joking! Lighten up!

I've been b*rned before, Hans.

Never trust the pub man.

Things between me and Molly,
they've gone a bit rancid.

You've just got back from your honeymoon.

I know, mate, that's what's so surprising.

It is one hot, toxic mess.

And...

well, I just need some bunce for a bit of
a love bombing - you know, sexy Dresden.

And if Wadey could just borrow Mark's
swipe card, we'll both be quids in.

I don't like it.

It smells of crime.

You'll be well compensated.
Money upfront.

- I'm talking five figures.
- Five figures?

Well, there's a decimal place
after the first three figures.

- So three figures?
- Five figures total.

Three figures actual.

Look, he's harmless - Wadey.

Sorry, Hans, I'm out.

I'm getting my sh*t together.

Huh...

Yep. They all let you down eventually.

(DESCENDING BEEF'S)

Fruities, wives...

mates.

They all let you cl...

Oh, hello. (TAPS MACHINE)

Three golden eggs!
And I'm up the beanstalk.

So, what was your final tally?

What's the scores on the doors?

- Including warts and skin tags?
- Including warts and skin tags.

Drumroll... Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh...

32.

41. I win.

What do I win?
Most physically defective male?

- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.

Does Angus seem OK to you?

Well, I thought his service game seemed
a little off, but I didn't like to crow.

A few years back,
he became totally obsessed with

writing a book about the Byzantine
Church, but for the general reader.

It had to be for the general reader.
He was really very insistent about that.

How interesting.

Do 5 detect a mental defect?

Next thing I know, he's gone off
to Turkey for five months.

Checked himself into a hostel
in Marmaris.

He out these kind of tramlines
into his hair.

He'd written the Nicene Creed
all over his legs.

April, that's...that's awful.

I smell it, the sweet stench of weakness.

Maybe he's going back to that.
I don't know, maybe I'm losing him again.

All aboard the Coconut Express.
Next stop, Loony Town!

Yeah. I need quite a lot of storage space
for my personal effects

when hiring an office.

Cos I've ordered a briefcase off Amazon.

It's coming from Holland.

What's. ...?

Oh, my God, there's a socket in the floor!

Unbelievable!

Um, do you monitor the things
I look at on the internet?

- Great.

I love this office.

It's £400 per calendar month.

Four? 400?

f*ck my mouth!

This is nice, isn't it?

A goodly stroll.
Invite him out for a walk,

lure him into a Greek Orthodox Church,

precipitate an insanity spiral.

My plan certainly has become
quite Byzantine!

Mark, I understand you went
mole mapping with my wife?

Oh. . yeah, we went for 3 “Ne checkup.

The old mole patrol.

- I was wondering...
- Is this a wallop/fig?

...if you'd like to come
for a colonoscopy.

Right.

I've been putting it off for some months

and I thought, "Seems like
it might be in Mark's wheelhouse."

You know, guys looking out for each other?

Yeah, no, it sounds great.

We could go for a pint after. You know,
get the cancer-y bit out of the way

and then pop into the Whistle
for a pint of IPA.

Rectal exams with the love rival?

And thanks...

for taking April. She needed that.

She needs an outlet.

Some nights she's like,
"Let's take dr*gs and go crazy."

And I'm thinking
Herodotus and a bowl of muesli.

It's just not me.

Tell me your Wife's secret desires.
They'll be safe with me!

Say, that's an interesting church.

Is it Russian?

Yes, a Russian Orthodox Church.

How fascinating.

Er, I believe it's Greek, Mark.

OK, well, I propose a wager, good sir.
Loser buys the ploughman's?

Oh, I'll buy you a ploughman's, Angus,

But it'll be the last ploughman's
you eat as a sane man.

In terms of praxis, the difference
between Russian and Greek

just comes down to order of service.

Put on the tap shoes,
quick dance on his grave.

And is there a comprehensive history
of the Byzantine Church

you could recommend, you know,
for the general reader?

OK, I'm going to surprise you here,
Mark, and say no, there isn't,

unless you include John Julius Norwich's
so-called History Of Byzantium,

and I don't.

Right. Cos you've got Simon Baker on Rome

and Karen Armstrong
on the Western Christian tradition,

but nothing on the Byzantine Church?

Doesn't that just seem insane?

It does seem a little nutty.

This isn't horrible.
I'm just encouraging him.

Follow your dream, Angus,
all the way into the big mind mincer.

And the only first-hand account
we have is, as you'll know,

Martin of Opava's
Chronicon Pontificum Er Imperatorum,,

and, frankly, it's a pamphlet.

It's so limited in scope
as to be almost worthless.

God, this really is interesting.

No, don't get sucked in!
Otherwise it's going to be me and Angus

sleeping in a Turkish hostel, reading
Scripture and getting rectal exams.

MARK“. Cup of tea and a Twirl.

Finally get a proper look at my arse.

Yep, there he is,
that's my arse, all right.

The dark side of the moon.

JEZ: So, Mark, I got your letter.

That's not from me, Jeremy,
that's from the bank.

It's a standard loan statement.

Do you have any idea of the monthly
repayments on that f*cking thing?

Yes, Jeremy. Yes, I do.

So that's it? Office gone.

There's no way I can afford it any more.

All my hopes and dreams,
everything I've been working for

for the last 39 years
flushed down the toilet.

You've wanted this office since yesterday.

You never should have sold me that loan,
Mark. You were exploiting me.

Well, guess what,
I've got one word for you.

Ombudsman.

- Ha!
- I'm going to the ombudsman.

So if there's a bang at the door
and you answer it

and there's a man in a stovepipe hat
with a long, hooky stick, that's him.

The ombudsman.

The ombudsman isn't a person, Jeremy.

It's a toothless regulatory body

made up of junior
and often very obliging civil servants.

One eye open, Mark.

(SINGSONG) The ombudsman's
coming to get you.

You know, Angus would have been
more than welcome to...

Yeah, he...didn't fancy it.

I caught him
reading the Nicene Creed on the toilet.

Oh, April...

you are joking?!
Ting! I

He said you went to a Byzantine church?

Look, I...“

I didn't want to dob him in,
but we went for a stroll and...

It was like he couldn't help himself.

I mean, we went for
a ploughman's afterwards,

but the mood was pretty sombre.

So I ate both his pickled onions!

You know, April, it's at times like this
when I just want to throw my hands up

and say, "Let's take dr*gs and go crazy."

Hm!

MARK: Oh, God, help me.

God, I haven't done this since uni.
Am I doing it right?

Yeah, no, that's great.

Some lovely fat lines of Chang.

Do you always have coke lying around,
you big druggie?

It's leftovers from Super Hans' stag.

But it's good sh*t, it's real top-quality,
Taste the Difference sh*t.

Let the Great British Snort Off begin.

Eye of the tiger. f*ck you, everyone.

f*ck you, Dad.

(SNORTS)

Oh... Mmm.

Delicious. As always.

Mein compliments to the chef.

Christ, it's gone all the way up my nose
and into my throat.

It doesn't taste very nice.
What if it's off?

What if my head swells up like a melon
and I never sleep again?

I feel completely normal. But also...

a bit like I want to karate-chop my hand
through a very high stack of poppadoms.

You could hold up a keema naan
and I could punch my fist through it.

Kung fu-ed.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

I have never been this intensely funny.

Angus would never do this.

Unless we'd talked about it
and tabled it with our therapist

and dissected it to death.

Oh, tedious.
I mean, I don't even want another line.

The last thing I feel like
is another line.

Well, that's it; I'm an addict.

But that was actually probably
my favourite line of the two.

Cos I found this cruise, OK? Three
months in the Med, just what we need.

God, she's trying to
patch things up with Angus.

God, my teeth are dry?!

Cocktails, six meals a day, bad karaoke.

He said no.

April, if I've said it once,
I've said it a thousand times.

The first time We ever said it.

You've got to live in the moment,
003 right now I feel like

staying up all night,
or running to Thornton Heath,

or throwing my iPad out the window.

- Go on, then.
- Yeah?

I mean, which? Cos I'll do it.

- ”Pad
- Yeah, cos "K's "psi an "Pad.

I mean, what is it, really?
Just some very thin microchips.

- Go on.
- I'm going to do it.

Don't you think I should do it?
I'm totally doing it. Should I do it?

- You should totally do it.
- I'm totally doing it.

Regretting act of spontaneity
before I've completed act of spontaneity.

Bye- bye !

f*ck you, iPad!

- I can't believe you just did that.
- I know.

You're like the Incredible Hulk.
The Incredible Mark.

(AS HULK) Mark smash!

She thinks I'm funny.

Mark smash!

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Oh, my God.

(THEY KISS)

I should get going.

But thank you for an amazing evening.

I've kissed her. I've kissed her on coke.

If we take smack,
maybe she'll get divorced and many me.

I've got you the goods.

HANS: Mark's swipe card.

Yeah.

But on one condition.
Say pub man is a bank robber,

we tell him no sh**ting of Mark.

And that is an absolute red line.

God, I'm a good friend.

I've really stuck my neck out
for Mark there.

Look, hang on to it for now.

Let's just say young Mr Wade's attempts
not to rob Mark's bank

have taken a surprising unexpected turn.

- Like what?
- He's basically doing it right now.

Hang on. But he's not actually
going to do it, though?

Well, it's hard to tell with Wadey.

Don't get me wrong, he's a teddy bear.

But he's a violent teddy bear.

You said he was harmless.

Well, he's more than one thing, Jeremy.

He's harmless, he's deadly.

He's a devil, he's a saint.

He's happy, he's furious.

He's got a multiple-personality disorder,
basically.

sh*t! Right, text pub man,
tell him not to sh**t Mark.

I've got to warn him.

What if he's already sh*t him?
What if he's wounded him?

God, imagine Mark in a Wheelchair.
He'll be insufferable.

MARK: I need something new to throw out
the Window before April loses interest.

Could bung my George Foreman
off the balcony.

Oh, sorry, mate.

Oh, it's grudge time

with Jerry.
When is he ever going to forgive me

for bundling him into a sleeping bag
and throwing him in a lift?

Mark?

Oh, Angus, hi. I wasn't expecting...

So, I found a place that does something
called an air-contrast barium enema.

They basically pump air into the rectum.

Apparently, you get an incredibly clear
silhouette of the whole downstairs area.

Sounds perfect.

Inflating my colon
like a weather balloon?!

I'm not here to talk to you
about a colonoscopy, Mark.

I need a loan. 5K.

I think I'm losing April
and... and she wants this cruise.

I don't know, I feel like if we go away
together, that might fix everything.

Sure. Sure it might.

Well, let me just enter your details
into the system.

Look at me, I'm entering his details
into the system.

Telephone, telephone, sunglasses,
smiley face, crucifix, and "enter".

Oh, Angus, your credit rating is,
frankly, sub-Grecian.

Look, I have mortgage statements.

Mate, I'm... I'm sorry. It's a no.

Three-ways spite-feast!

No commission for me, no cruise for April,

no marriage for Angus.

And it tastes great!

Mark, I need five, like,
quite intense minutes right now.

Hi, Angus.

Just FYI sort of thing,
there is a very slim possibility that...

a bank robber is heading into
the bank right now.

So, you know, act normal,
but also be on permanent high alert.

Jeremy, what are you talking about?

It's just some mate of Super Hans,
some pub man.

A pub man? I-I'm getting robbed?

No, it's all fine, because I told Hans
to tell him, "No sh**ting Mark."

What do you mean, no sh**ting?
I was going to get sh*t?

No. Because it was a red line.

Oh, and no-one ever goes over a red line,
do they, Jeremy(?)

Tuition fees was a f*cking red line.

Look, it's just a caper gone bad.
He wanted your swipe card

and then I took it,
but then I didn't give it to him...

You took it? Jesus Christ, Jeremy!

Come on, Mark, on your high horse.

It's a bank. They're insured.
It's a victimless crime.

No, Jeremy, it isn't. It's a victimy
crime, and the victim is me!

I'm going to get sh*t.

Oh, how many times, Mark?
You are not getting...

You are not getting sh*t.
Why does it always have to be about you?

I'm sorry, Jeremy. I'm sorry for being all
self-pitying about my potential sh**ting.

- In a way, you do work in a bank.
- What's that supposed to mean?

I mean, come Oh, you're probably due one.

Oh, great. I'm due one, am I?

I'm due a good sh**ting?
It's my turn for the big, shiny b*llet?

Oh, sh*t.

MARK: Is...? Is that him?
Is that the robber?

sh*t, where's the panic button?

I can't find the panic button.

I'm panicking

- and I can't find the panic...
- Just f*cking calm down, Mark,

for f*ck's sake!

Why do they make these bloody things
so hard to find?

Will you stop panicking?
He's just some nutter.

Exactly. He's a nutter, Jeremy,
a nutter who may

or may not have got the memo
re not sh**ting me.

He's queueing.

Why's he queueing? Robbers don't queue.

We need to leave.

What if he sh**t everyone?

He won't. And if he does,
what are we supposed to do? Stop him?

Yeah, that's what we'll do, Mark.
We'll stop him(!)

We'll stop the armed maniac,
me and you(!)

MARK: I'm not running away,
I'm just walking over here

to reassess the situation.
All the way over here and out of the bank.

It's fine.

Everything's going to be fine.
No-one's getting sh*t.

Right, we need to move. He's quite
obviously going to sh**t everyone.

What? What am I doing?
I need to go back in!

What about Angus?

He's a cadaver, Mark. He's toast.

Coffee shop. We'll wait in the coffee shop
until the sh**ting stops.

Macchiato and a blueberry muffin, please.

A muffin? You're going to stand here,
waiting for a m*ssacre, eating a muffin?

- What difference does it make?
- Unbelievable.

Er, flat white extra hot and a biscotti.

But this is on you.

I'm holding you fully accountable.

You know what. .. $02.

"$02" is not an appropriate level
of apology

for facilitating an armed f*cking robbery.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Joe?

- Jez.
- Hey.

I'm at the offices on Cowper Street.
They don't seem to know who you are.

Oh, er, sorry, I can't really hear you.

I'm just at Highgrove.

In fact, Joe, there's
a very distinguished older gentleman

who'd really like to have a word
with you right now.

- Do a Prince Philip.
- What?

Do a Prince Philip and I'll go
and tackle the robber, or whatever.

Oh, Christ.

No, I'm not doing a f*cking Prince Philip.

Er, sorry about that, Joe.
He's famously flighty.

You're not really at Highgrove,
are you, Jeremy?

Er, no.

I'm actually at Balmoral.

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- Hello? Hello?

He's gone.

It's happening, then.
Joe's starting to see through me.

Really, Jeremy?
Tell me more, 003 I am so invested

in your domestic horseshit right now(!)

Mark...

What the hell are you doing over here?

Oh, hi, Alan. Just on a quick coffee run.

Oh, really?

Hanging out with your little buddy? Hm?

Playing conkers with your little chum?
Get back to work.

- What about my coffee?
- I'll bring it. Exit...

Mark.

Jeremy, are you coming?

Sorry, mate.

Right.

Off I go.

On my own.

Off on my merry way.

MARK: No-one seems dead.
It's a promising start.

Oh, God, here he goes.

Oh, he's bottled it;.

He's just a big, beardy pen thief.

Mark, it's going through.
Your mate sorted it.

We're going cruising!

Brilliant, Angus. I'm-I'm happy for you.

Thanks, Jerry.

Oh, not a problem, Mark.
I'd happily steal your sales all daylong.

(JERRY AND ANGUS CHUCKLE)

Commission for Jerry, cruise for April,
marriage for Angus.

Get the pub man back. I want my sh**ting?!

# Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's coming to get me

# Just say you never met me

# I'm running underground with the moles

# Digging holes... #