02x15 - Haunted

[bunniefuu]

I loved Halloween.

Okay, not a huge surprise there. I mean, what kid doesn't love Halloween?

But my devotion to the day was not for the obvious reasons.

I couldn't care less about the candy.

And I didn't give a sh*t about the costumes.

I loved Halloween because

I loved looking into other people's houses.

Why's the candy outside?

They probably don't want to be disturbed, sweetie.

But it's Halloween, it's supposed to be disturbing.

Maybe they're just not home.

That's a bunch of bull-- they're home!

Trick or treat, damnit!

Just take a piece of candy and let's go to the next house.

Hello!

I know you're in there!

George, listen to your mother.

This is ridiculous. Every other kid is in it for the candy.

So? She's curious. Curious is good.

Hey, Georgia, I have a feeling the next house is going to be giving out gummy worms.

And I think they're going to let you see inside.

There's barely any furniture.

Maybe some weirdo lives here.

Honey, you're being the weirdo.

We're leaving. Come if you want.

Fine!

Boo!

Halloween is when the freaks came out of the shadows.

Now that I'm older... and deader,

I see that Halloween is amateur night for death.

"Ooh, look at me, I'm bleeding."

"Ooh, look at me, someone hit me with an a*."

Trick or treat.

You know, I've seen one of those in real life and let me tell you something--

not so funny.

I'm not a prude. It's just unseemly.

A man's home is a man's castle.

In his castle, he should be allowed to swing free.

There are boundaries. Mason,

other people can see them. Why can't you?

Nude is natural.

Nude is now.

I'm about to eat breakfast, so can we ease up on

the naked talk? Please? Thank you.

You didn't have to see it, Georgia.

It's not how I wanted to start my day.

Well, you screaming at 6:53 in the morning was not how I wanted to start mine.

By the way, you're not the first woman

who has shrieked at the sight of the loch ness monster rising to the surface.

Don't flatter yourself.

Okay, folks, two rules starting as of right now.

One. Breakfast at our house is no longer clothing optional.

- All meals.
- All meals.

- Fine.
- Two, and most important--

you touch my f*cking pop tarts again and your "monster" is going to get it in his sleep.

Fine,

and F.Y.I., I like strawberry frosted the best.

In addition to eating my groceries, you might want to start providing them.

You need to earn your keep.

I-- all right!

All right... I--I'll do some chores.

Okay, fine, do some chores.

Do my f*cking laundry.

I don't think so.

Do you like candy?

- Everyone likes candy.
- Excellent. Well, this is what I'm going to do.

I'm going to get so much candy tonight, we're going to have a whole year's supply in our house.

You're going to have so much candy, you're going to be begging for candy mercy.

Oh, I'm going to start now.

- Kids, over here. Kiddies, here.
- No, Mason, don't bring children near us.

Okay, listen.

We're going to play a little Halloween game.

Now, I'm going to ask you a question,

and you are going to answer me.

If you get it right, you get a dollar.

If you get it wrong, I get your candy. All right?

Right. Question--

what original member of the Rolling Stones croaked whilst having a drowning accident?

Mick Jagger.

No, he's kind of alive and still touring.

Keith Moon?

No!

That's the f*cking Who.

Who?

The Who.

It's Brian Jones, now hand over the candy.

Now piss off.

I partied with him, and I reaped him. Yes!

Stealing candy from children?

Mm. Challenging.

You've come a long way, mason.

It's Halloween, Ruby.

Worse things will happen today.

In fact, they will.

You.

You.

And you.

Give me a little room, huh?

And you... might want to wear this.

Um... I know I'm the youngest one here,

but I don't trick-or-treat.

No, no. Reaper legend--

the dead will appear as themselves on Halloween.

So, in theory, I can be...

recognized.

I've never bought that.

I don't care whether you buy it or not.

Open yourself to the possibility that there are people out there who knew you when you were alive

and who can see you today as you were.

I've been dead for over 60 years.

I'm not talking to you.

She's dead a year, in her hometown.

Yeah, it's nonsense, okay?

And why would you want to put this exquisite face behind a mask?

Yeah. And these strappy things get caught in my hair. It's very painful.

- Wow.
- Wow.

Nice...

I'm undercover today,

and I don't want to hear it.

Roxy,

your dress makes me feel funny in my pants.

I'm armed,

and you're not.

Do we have to go down this road again?

No.

Just curious-- where is your firearm?

What exactly are you supposed to be?

I'm Roxy,

the bad-ass witch of the northwest.

Hey... both of our post-its are at 59 past the hour.

Mine, too.

Why isn't she wearing a mask?

Fucks with her hair.

Happy Halloween.

- Happy Halloween.
- Bye.

How much?

- Okay.
- Boo!

Keep the change, Kiffany.

Is that reaper legend really true?

Well, it's as true as you want it to be.

What, that's it? That's all you got?

I could march right up to my old house and ask my sister for a kit kat.

You could.

What's stopping me?

I don't know.

What is stopping you?

Something happened to you.

I don't know what you mean.

You're the paternal one.

Is that what I am?

Yes. Daisy's the starlet,

Mason's the screw-up,

Roxy's...

Roxy,

and you're...

you're the dad.

Well, paternal didn't turn out to be such a good gig.

You want advice from me, is that what you want?

Hey, wear running shoes today.

Trick-or-treating's a real grind.

Boo!

I have to go to Happy Time.

It's sunday.

I left my running shoes there.

I'll come with you.

- Roxy's the mother.
- Excuse me?

She reminds me of my mother.

She reminds me of my mother.

Was she a cop?

She could have been.

Oh, these seeds are gross.

Slimy.

Wait till they're toasted. You'll love them.

Why can't I carve the pumpkin?

Maybe next year.

That's what you said last year.

Why don't you go get your costume ready for tonight?

I'm not going trick-or-treating.

But you love candy.

I'm over it.

Your sister went trick-or-treating every year,

and she took you.

I'll bet she'll be out there tonight.

Reggie.

It's Halloween--

the night when ghosts walk the earth.

Okay, I'm bringing this up in therapy today.

Dana's coming in as a favor.

I was just kidding.

Oh. Okay.

Were you?

We can go trick-or-treating tonight if you want.

Fine.

Are you going to wearyour Pochahontas outfit?

I think I'm going to go as a ghost.

We don't have a ghost costume.

Ghosts don't wear costumes.

They look just like you and me.

One Halloween, when I was a little kid,

my dad pulled out a Kn*fe to carve our pumpkin...

I totally lost it, I started to cry,

begged him not to hurt the pumpkin.

My mom and dad told me to calm down.

They told me the scary stuff on Halloween was all make-believe,

that no one would get hurt,

least of all the pumpkin.

I mean, they're your parents.

You have to trust your parents.

And then I let them k*ll the pumpkin.

What the f*ck?

Every year. Every year.

I hate Halloween.

Every jackass with a 50-cent mask thinks he has a license for mayhem and tomfoolery.

Already today,

I had a dead cat and a bag of flaming sh*t on some old lady's doorstep.

Flaming sh*t.

That's a classic.

This princess garb is so uncomfortable. I'm taking this off.

No, no, no, Roxy, that makes the whole ensemble.

God, you look great.

Maybe I will put a costume together.

Be right back.

If you keep eating all the candy, how are we going to have a year's supply left by the end of the evening?

Well, if you'll come with me on my little trip of controlled chaos, then you'll see.

I'm in.

Just out of respect for the evening.

Yeah?

It's hoodlums like you that make my job so difficult.

Oh, Roxy.

Let me explain something to you.

The universe, in all of its infinite wisdom,

allows the forces of destruction one evening a year

to have full reign.

On all hallows' eve,

you can get away with anything.

Can we look in people's houses?

Yes.

Can't bloody wait!

One can get away with m*rder.

I never believed in fairies.

I never clapped for tinkerbell,

and I was never scared of ghosts.

But maybe there was more to Halloween than milk duds and vandalism.

Maybe there was a reason for me to stay in the shadows.

Now, that's almost definitely bullshit.

Hello, happy time!

It's so strange that you were here, Millie.

I am here.

No,

I mean before.

Now it's almost like you're haunting the place.

What are you doing?

I am stealing these for candy-gathering purposes.

Well, could you ease up on the larceny? I work here.

I am simply testing for candy-gathering capacity.

We have a winner.

Lovely.

I was watching T.V. Last night,

some cops and robbers and lawyer bullshit.

Yeah, I know, I heard you.

You woke me up.

It was some law and order rerun bullshit,

and, uh, there was a detective asking questions to a perp, right?

And it always bloody annoys me so f*cking much,

because it's the same f*cking question again and again and again.

"Did you know the deceased?"

Exactly--

"did you know the deceased?"

Come on.

I mean, everybody in the whole f*cking world knows the answer is "no."

The answer is always "no."

- Always "no." No, no, no, no.
- Okay, I got it.

I think they should ask us that question.

"Did you know the deceased?"

"No, I didn't know the bloody deceased,

"because I've just met her

"I'm about to reap her,

"and she's going to die in three minutes."

Like you did, here.

I was here a couple of hours.

A morning, actually,

and no one knew me.

I don't want to know the deceased. Never have.

Yeah, me either.

I only want to know people who've been dead a long time.

Me, too.

Except for you.

Nice costume, Crystal.

Spooky.

Nice mask, Millie.

Thanks.

What've you got there, Crystal?

Nothing.

Is it a... trick-or-treating map?

Have you got prime candy zones highlighted?

Mason, let's go now.

- Happy Halloween, Crystal.
- Let's go, Mason.

Death is like going to your first haunted house when you were a kid...

You had to walk through it to figure out what stuff was really scary,

and what stuff was just in your head.

So, how are we on this Halloween sunday?

How are you feeling about the dog?

The dog has a name.

J.D.

How are you feeling about J.D.?

Where's the candy?

Reggie.

What? Crazy girls don't need a little chocolate?

You know, Reggie,

holidays can be a lot of fun, but

they're also emotionally difficult,

and it's hard not to think about your family.

About George.

Well, did george like Halloween?

George loved Halloween.

She liked spying on other people.

Reggie thinks that george continues to spy on other people.

She thinks that she's a ghost.

Is that true, Reggie?

Do you think your sister, George, is a ghost?

No.

Yes, you do think she's a ghost. She thinks she's a ghost.

No, I don't. I'm not crazy.

I believe in ghosts.

Do you think that makes me crazy?

I'd like to talk about my parents' divorce and how that's destroyed my childhood.

I'm paying $160 an hour here, okay?

And I would like to discuss the fact that Reggie thinks her sister is living among us.

I don't think George is a ghost.

She's lying.

No, I'm not.

Uh--I did. But I changed my mind.

Okay.

Do you know what? I've got a secret stash of little Kit Kats in the other room,

under the coffee table.

Want to go grab a few?

Sure.

Joy...

I understand your frustration, I do,

but I really want to encourage you to not to put so much pressure on yourself

or on Reggie.

Just try to let the process be a little more organic.

I can't afford organic.

Dana, you're a very good therapist,

you're a very smart woman,

but I can't afford to come here.

I can't even afford to park here.

Okay, maybe we can work out some kind of a sliding scale.

I don't really think that therapy is going to bring my daughter back.

Which daughter are you trying to bring back?

You're a little taller than the other trick-or-treaters.

Candy bar or fruit roll-up?

How about a moment of your time?

No sales!

I'm not selling anything.

Go away.

I'm with, uh, Candy Busters, inc.

I'm just trying to educate the public on the perils of sugar.

You picked the wrong night!

Well... it's one of the few nights people will open their door to strangers.

Question one...

rate the apple as a Halloween treat-- healthy alternative or liberal cop-out?

Cop-out. Next question.

Let me get your name. Uh...

M. Feldman?

Josie Feldman.

Last question...

did you know

candy kills more people than cigarettes?

I don't believe that.

Good luck with your survey.

Where're your folks?

They're in Barbados, trying to recapture their youth.

Well... maybe you should take in these newspapers.

Criminals see this, it's like an invitation.

Come on. This neighborhood?

You have a lame job.

I want to thank you for your time.

Hey, you want to take some candy for your kid?

I don't have a child.

Come on.

Take a Snickers for the road. Sugar rocks.

Can I give you some advice?

Sure.

Enjoy that cigarette.

In a way, death was kind of like a door-to-door salesman.

Most people weren't too interested in what we were selling.

Or they just didn't want to make that kind of

long-term commitment.

So we trick them.

You okay?

Come on.

You think you're tough, don't you?

What?

You think you're a bad ass in your little get-up.

I could have played a cop, Roxy, a cop with a heart of gold.

It's not the outfit, Daisy. Being tough is in here.

- I'm tough.
- Oh, yeah, real tough.

You're real imposing.

It's very easy for you, Roxy. You are armed.

I need a g*n, too.

A girl needs accessories.

The only accessory I have is my attitude.

Oh, then, uh, give me your g*n.

No.

Please?

No.

Give me the g*n. Give me the g*n. Give me the g*n. Give me the g*n.

Jesus christ, you're like Mason.

- You are not a cop.
- And you're not a princess.

And don't you f*cking forget it.

Thank you.

Oh, you forgot to charge me for my coffee.

Coffee's free for cops.

See the kind of an actress I am? It's just effortless.

Yeah, it was.

Hey, old man, take a picture, it lasts longer.

You see, Roxy?

Take away the uniform, you're just another pretty face. You have no authority.

Hey.

You gonna stand there gawking

or am I going to have to drag your ass to the station house?

This is fun.

Perhaps you didn't hear me, grandpa, I said--

Daisy Adair.

I'm sorry, I don't know who that is.

Gone with the wind. She d*ed during the filming.

You're the spitting image of her.

Oh.

Well, good for me.

I used to see miss Adair come into the stork club every night.

Usually with a different gentleman.

All of them, or most of them, stars.

Well, I'm not her.

Obviously.

Halloween is one f*cked-up day.

Give me the g*n.

This looks like a chocolate house, maybe even caramel.

How do you know?

The nice decorations and caramel-chocolate wrapper in the front.

Get out of the way!

Wait your f*cking turn. Get to the back!

I'm not scared of you.

You either.

You're three-and-a-half-feet tall with an earring and a sash, so back off.

Yeah.

Ooh. What scary creatures have come to my door?

That's for us, then? Cheers.

Uh, Mason-- dry... ice.

Jesus, that was cold.

- And what are you?
- A ghost.

- Ah. And you?
- Ghost.

Good job, guys. Way to go all out. "A" for effort.

Thank you. Can we have some bloody candy now, or what?

- Go for it.
- Get out of here.

Come on, piss off.

Oh... hi, Frank.

Debra's in the zebra room.

Oh, that's just not right.

Happy Halloween!

Obviously, I'm a couple years past trick-or-treating age,

but I had to compliment you on these gorgeous decorations.

May I offer you my oregano-dusted pumpkin seeds?

Ah!

Lovely.

You must be mrs. Clark.

You're a neighborhood legend.

You can call me Katie.

You do beautiful work, Katie.

Are there any problems in the area, officer?

Tell me those awful Stuart boys didn't defecate in my wishing well again.

No, no, just making sure everyone's safe.

Kids today are so ill-mannered.

Hooligans.

I adore Halloween.

And I will continue to create elegant decorations and

healthy snacks until the day I die.

Good luck with that.

I just cleaned those cupboards.

Please don't touch them.

Stop cleaning. I'm hungry.

Honey, you know I'm going to start showing the house again.

I know you don't like it.

That's just how things are.

Knock knock.

- Happy Halloween.
- Hey, Suzanne.

Sugar skull?

I just had lunch.

So how're you doing, Reggie?

I'm fine.

So sorry to hear about your doggie.

Thanks.

So, these...

are for dia de los muertos--

day of the dead.

It's sort of the mexican version of Halloween.

Everyone gathers and they go to the cemetery where their loved ones are buried.

It's actually--it's the day after Halloween.

Suzanne...

No, this is not morbid at all, Joy.

This is celebratory,

and there's song and dance, and food and music and candles.

It's a real hoot.

That's sweet. Thanks for the treats.

And I'm having a dia de los muertos party at my place tonight.

You're both invited to come.

It's going to be a very mellow vibe.

Some tequila and flan.

Some older single men.

We'll try to come by.

You know, I was remembering George today,

in her little ghost costume.

I miss seeing her.

Well, feliz dia de los muertos, honey.

Please come.

Two by two, kids.

Do you see how Antonio's holding the lion's hand?

That's the Halloween spirit.

Charlie, if you can't keep your hands off that dinosaur's tail,

you're going back to the shelter early.

Hey, man, you want to get some candy?

We can catch up with them later.

Does, uh, oh, does anyone have to, uh, make a wee-wee?

Trick or treat?

Hey, you're a cute guy, huh?

There you go.

Those are bourbon candies.

Well, my mother used to give them to me when I was kid.

Sir...

it's illegal to give alcohol to minors.

Aw, sh*t.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just... I'm sorry.

I just hate holidays, you know?

So g*dd*mn lonely...

Would you mind telling me your name, sir?

Les...

Blandon. Should I go get the bathrobe?

No. There'll be no arrest tonight, mr. Blandon.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you.

Come on, phantom man, let's hit the trails.

There we go.

Kate, did you see which way--

Charlie! My god! You gave us a scare.

Lose one of your group, did you?

Yes, and I just did a buddy count.

Well, everyone's fine.

Why don't you just move on to the next house, then?

Is there something wrong, officer?

Is there some chatter on the line?

No, just some guy giving out bourbon bonbons.

Liquor chocolates were my gateway drug. They are no joke.

Bag check!

Let's see...

No joke.

Okay...

Thank you, officer.

Come on, kids, let's keep going.

Any time.

That's it, stay close. Stay close.

- That's one scary guy.
- Yeah.

That's the thing with Halloween.

I wouldn't have loved it so much if there was nothing to be afraid of,

if some of the houses I peered into weren't haunted.

You all right there, chief?

Yes. I am on a mission.

Oi! You, no. This is my reap, and therefore, my doorbell ring.

- Well, then, have at it.
- Thank you.

The address and the time are the same.

That's kind of ironic, isn't it?

Hello, little man. Trick or treat?

What are you?

Me? Uh, well, um... have you ever heard of a brit?

Well, I'm a brit.

So you're a little devil?

Yeah.

What's your name?

Bobby.

Bobby, is your dad in?

Richard, or Raymond, or...

He went out to get me some cough medicine.

- Are you sick?
- Yeah.

No trick-or-treating this year.

sh*t.

Now, you little devil...

I am thinking that maybe your parents sometimes call you Robert,

Robert Perlis, right?

Yeah.

Know what I'm going to do for you, Bobby?

I am going to open up my big bag here,

and I'm going to let you pick any--anything,

anything you want, seriously. Come on.

Anything.

I'm not supposed to take candy from people I don't know.

Come on, little man.

You know me. I'm a brit, I'm not a monster, am I? Come on, choose.

Now, that is a bloody good choice, Bobby, I'm telling you.

Open your arms out. Go on.

Can you handle all of this or waht ? There you go.

Thanks.

Hey. Come here.

Happy Halloween.

Hey.

How do you--

how do you think he's going to...

God, you don't think he's going to choke on that candy I gave him, do you?

Come on, George, let's go.

That's the confusing thing about Halloween--

you were supposed to be a little scared,

and you were supposed to open your door to strangers.

Does that make any sense?

Well? Does it?

All right, little man, come with me. Yeah.

Better to be just a little scared.

- How do I look?
- Embarrassing.

- What is that smell?
- sh*t. Pumpkin seeds.

Reggie!

Oh! Christ!

Pumpkin seeds.

Reggie, what the f*ck?

No need to drop the f-b*mb.

What were you thinking?

I forgot about them. I'm sorry.

Look what you did to my kitchen. I mean, this is a disaster.

It's not.

- Reggie, this is unbelievable!
- Worse things have happened, mom.

You always go crazy over the stuff that doesn't even matter.

Then why don't you put on a costume and come with me, over to Suzanne's party?

I want to stay here.

Just come with me.

I'll stay here and hand out candy.

I don't think that's a very good idea.

It's just Halloween, mom.

It's not a big deal.

Fine.

I'll have my phone with me.

- It's on, okay?
- Okay.

I'll come back soon, and then we can...

we can answer the door together, okay?

Sure.

It'll be a hoot.

I don't remember every single moment about being a kid...

but I sure remember Halloween.

The stuff that sent my heart racing had nothing to do with ghouls

or goblins or witches or even ghosts.

The stuff that scared me was what was lurking behind all those closed doors,

all those secrets hiding in the dark...

You really want to know how to scare the crap out of yourself?

Some Halloween night, go ring the wrong doorbell.

Yes?

Why don't you give out candy like a normal person?

Well, young lady, I left a bowl, and you kicked it over.

Come on, George, let's go!

Georgia, come on!

I have to go.

All right.

But come back next year.

If most people knew how many times they brushed by death,

they'd probably stay inside for the rest of their lives.

Or at least they wouldn't knock on this dark door.

Trick or treat.

I don't have any candy.

I see your candy right there.

I know you.

It's done.

It's all over.

Who are you?

Nobody you want to know.

I didn't know how he was going to die.

And to tell you the truth, I really didn't give a sh*t.

Some of the dead are just better left forgotten.

Reggie, we can go back to the party,

we can go home...

I'll do whatever you want. I am just...

not comfortable...

here.

It's too disturbing.

It's supposed to be disturbing.

It's Halloween in a graveyard.

It's the day of the dead.

You know, Reggie, actually,

dia de los muertos is tomorrow.

Suzanne said it's the one day when spirits visit the earth.

Yeah, and that one day is actually tomorrow,

as in the daytime, hmm?

And Suzanne smokes a lot of pot.

Let's go home.

You didn't even go trick-or-treating this year.

That makes me sad.

I'm done with it.

Is it because george always used to take you trick-or-treating?

And ignored me.

Come here.

Come keep your mother warm.

f*cking bullshit.

I don't like almonds and coconut in my chocolate.

I do.

Make me an offer.

Uh, milk duds and a candy bar to be named later?

Okay.

- Black licorice-- totally gross.
- Who wants to trade?

Fine.

Be that way.

Hey, Rube,

sure you don't want anything?

Halloween's for kids. You guys have it.

I have to admit, Mason, this is an impressive haul.

Thank you very much, Daisy.

You must've really worked hard.

You don't know.

- Anyway, thanks.
- You're welcome.

Come on, Rube.

I know you love sweets. Have something.

I wouldn't mind a little peanut brittle, peanut.

That's not who I am anymore, I'm not that girl.

No, you're not.

Well, happy Halloween anyway...

peanut.

Well, it's not Halloween anymore.

It's tomorrow.

All saints' day.

Is that a special one, too?

Do I have to wear a mask?

Legend has it that spirits gather in graveyards on all saints' day.

That's where they honor the dead.

How will you be spending it?

In a graveyard.

Good night, guys.

Bye.

I always thought I loved Halloween

because I got to look behind all those closed doors,

but now I see that it's because I was painted with something darker...

that I was meant to see the dark,

and through the dark...

I'm not supposed to be here...

but I am.

I don't know if I'm supposed to watch over them,

or just haunt them.

Either way, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having fun.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be here...

walking through a graveyard the day after Halloween,

on a quiet and beautiful november morning...

It's not so bad...

being dead like me.