01x05 - Sucker of Souls

[bunniefuu]

- [running footsteps]
- [panting]

[frantic instrumental music plays]

[cat growls]

[panting]

[shouting] sh*t!

- What the f*ck was that, Doctor?
- I think you know.

I wanna hear you f*ckin' say it,
Mr Science.

Wait!

Ugh!

Tell me, Doctor,
is that as fast as you can run?

I'm afraid so, Mr. Flynn.

Good, it'll catch you first

and I'll be able to get out of here
while it's eating you.

[panting]

[growling]

[roaring]

[shouting] f*ck you!

[growling and wicked laughter]

[shouting] Oh, sh*t!

[Mr. Flynn] Is that what
we're looking for, Doctor?

I think it might be, Mr. Flynn.

Do try to at least act excited.

[Mr. Flynn] Mercenaries are
like hookers, Doctor:

pretending to be excited costs extra.

Simon, here's a test for you.

Can you translate?

Hmm, let me see.

"Entombed here, the Devourer of Children,

the Black Prince,

the Sucker of Souls"?

[laughs] Sucker. Heh, yeah.

[radio crackles]

[man in Irish accent]
Hey, boss, how's it going?

Slowly.

We've been in this f*cking tomb
for over an hour.

Would you tell him to hurry up?
I'm freezing my tits off back here.

[sniffs]

I'll be sure to relay that message, Micky.

[Doctor] Mr. Flynn, this is definitely it.

I will need the rest of
the equipment, ASAP.

Okay, Doc.

[electrical buzz]

[distant clattering]

[eerie string music playing]

[growling and roaring]

[screaming]

Ahhh!

Geez...

- [menacing music plays]
- [Simon gasps]

[loud thud]

[Simon pants] Doctor!

[Simon shouts] Doctor!

[Simon screams]

[growls]

[Simon] Oh, f*ck me.

[roars]

[pained gasps]

Oh, my God, Simon!

[Simon gurgling]

Come on, kid. Get out of the way!

[roars]

[gurgling]

[low growling]

[frantic menacing music plays]

[shouting] What the f*ck?

[growling]

Run!

[panting]

[tense string music playing]

Micky, Gary, get the weapons ready.
We're coming in hot.

[laughs] Are those boffins trying
to grab your bum again?

[in English accent] Yeah,
I saw that little one eyeing ya.

[shouting] Quit f*cking around,
I'm serious.

Shite! Copy that, chief.

[Mr. Flynn] Hold on, Doc.

- Oh.
- sh*t.

- [growling]
- [Mr. Flynn shouting] sh*t, get back!

It's him, the Impaler. Dracula!

I did not think we would find him alive.

Well, of course you didn't.

And isn't this a fine f*cking mess?

[howls]

[growls]

- [g*n clicks]
- [shouting] f*ck!

[growls and laughs wickedly]

Come on, f*ck nuts.
You want to laugh at me? Go ahead.

I'll cut the smile right off of ya.

[speaking Romanian]

[Kn*fe clanging]

What'd he say, Doc?

He said you're a warrior.

God damn right I'm a warrior.

Yes, but he also added that
he's looking forward

to eating your still b*ating heart.

[growls]

[roars]

[cat meows]

[cats meowing]

[cat meows]

[roars]

[groans]

- [cat meows]
- What the f*ck, Doc?

- He hates cats.
- What?

[Doctor] The legend has it that
feeding on them makes his flesh burn.

The locals would torment him by
bringing hundreds of cats to the fortress.

[yells]

[roars]

Huh. Well, he's not the first man who got
in trouble for eatin' a little p*ssy.

Do you think something held them up?

Huh, I don't know, Gary.

[panting]

[grunts]

[shouting] Micky, Gary!

[shouting] Shut the door!

[panting]

[Micky] Oh, so you found one too?

[sighs]

[cats meowing]

[Mr. Flynn] Little p*ssy here
saved our lives.

Yeah, I know it saved my life a few times.

Cut the sh*t, Gary.

There's a f*cking monster out there,
and it was gonna eat our asses.

Something was gonna eat your ass?

[sarcastic] Now that's
a gutsy fashion statement.

Is that real Korean grad student?
- God damn it, Gary.- [crying] Oh, no...

Upsy-daisy, fella.

Stop with all the yodeling
and tell them what's behind that door.

Because that thing is between us
and the only way out.

It is the Impaler.

Isn't that a type of car?

That's an Impala, you stupid c**t.

Oh, right.

So there's a Dracula out there, then?

Not a Dracula.

The Dracula.

Are you serious?

f*ck right off, you weird little man.

It's true.
He ate the tiny research assistant.

Anyway, what's the state of play
with our ordinance, Gary?

Not particularly tickity, to be honest.

Weren't expecting gunfights
with angry vampires.

We've got two boxes of a*mo for the P90s,
four magazines for the sidearms,

shotgun, couple of old battle maces,
bottle of 2000-year-old wine

and I've got a smidge of C4, if it helps.

Why? Why do you have C4, Gary?

Uhhh...

- Cave-ins?
- [Doctor] It's not enough.

- What?
- I said, it's not enough.

You're not dealing with
Taliban t*rrorists here.

You're dealing with an ancient evil
that defeats whole armies

and feasts on their entrails.

- Not helping, Doctor.
- [loud pounding]

- How big is this fucker?
- [loud pounding]

- Where's the f*cking cat?
- [cat meows]

- There's the cats, f*cking.
- Oh, come on!

You got suggestions, Doctor,
now's the time to make 'em.

I'm an archaeologist,
Mr. Flynn, not a tactician.

Well, I'm an ex-soldier,
not Buffy the f*cking Vampire Slayer,

but you don't see me crying in a corner.

- [loud pounding]
- Now think, damn it!

[frantic music plays]

This place was built to withstand siege.

There must be other exits.

I think I may have something.

The map marked another egress point.

Secret door! Beautiful.

[loud pounding]

[Gary] Hey, boss?

Yes, Gary?

- About that C4...
- Do it.

[laughs]

[Mr. Flynn] Just don't bring
the whole damn castle down on us.

- [Gary laughs]
- [Mr. Flynn] Oh, sh*t.

[laughing]

- [loud pounding]
- [gasps]

[roaring]

[roars]

[Mr. Flynn] Fire!

- [pained howls]
- [Gary laughs]

- [g*n clicking]
- [shouting] Door shut, now!

[roars]

[speaking Romanian]

[rapid beeping]

[Mr. Flynn laughs]
Sounds like he found our little gift.

[Gary] sh*t, sorry!

[frantic music plays]

[debris tumbling]

[coughing]

Every time, Gary!

What? Better too much than too little.

[Mr. Flynn grunts]

Where did you say this tunnel led to?

More prison cells.

Probably cells for more...

[cat growls]

[menacing music plays]

[low growling]

You've got to be f*cking kidding me.

[roars]