02x01 - Automated Customer Service

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[hip
-hop song playing]

Now I got it boomin' Now I got it boomin' ♪ The way that I be movin' Boy, I can't be human ♪ Shorty bought a Gucci But I bought a Louis ♪
- Yeah, asked her why she pick it ♪
- [grunting]

Now I got it boomin' Now I got it boomin' ♪ Now I got it boomin' Now I got it boomin' ♪ Now I got it boomin' Now I got it boomin' ♪ The way that I be movin' Boy, I can't be human ♪ Still ridin' with the squad ♪ Hangin' out the window Screamin'the other side ♪ We gonna hit the city And get lit and catch a vibe ♪ Trying to leave with a couple baddies Stickin' to my side ♪ Where the fatty body hop We'll kick it like karate chop ♪ [slurps]

[computer beeping]

[barking]

Ohm [whirring]

[breathes sharply]

[country music playing over radio]

[exhales sharply]

Hi.

[whirring stops]

Hm.

[gasps]

What's up with you? Tsk, tsk, tsk.

[whining]


- [whirring]


- You need some energetic healing, buddy.

[whirring stops]

[growling]

[dramatic music playing]


- [dog barking]


- [whirring]

[gasps]

Oh.

[whimpering]

[man 1 on phone]

Thanks for calling Vacuubot, purveyors of America's finest automated vacuum cleaners.

For English, press one.


- [man 2 speaks in Spanish on phone]


- [keypad beeps]

[man 1]

You've asked to speak to a human representative.

The current wait time is six hours and 14 minutes.

[scoffs]

Seriously? If you have a repair query, press one.

If you need Alrighty then, have you tried turning your Vacuubot off and on again? Huh.

[gasps]

Ah.

There you are.

[electricity crackling]

Ow! Our on board GOLDEN YEARS system tells us you've somehow activated Purge Mode.

This feature is designed to eradicate small pests
- such as insects, spiders and mice.


- The hell? But in certain situations, larger prey
- like pets and some humans
- What? Could be targeted.

We're sorry for any inconvenience.

[suspenseful music playing]

[gasps, then screams]

[panting]

If your Vacuubot has decided to purge all living things, press three.

To end Purge Mode, you will need to access the options menu.

To do that, you will need to distract Vacuubot to get close.

We suggest throwing something at it, like a blanket or pet.

What in the Bodhisattva is going on here? Are you f*cking kidding me? The automated system has detected high levels of profanity.

Your bad attitude has been filed in our customer database.

[yells]

[panting]

No.

[grunts, then groans]

Now then, have you calmed your sassy boots down?
- [breathing deeply]


- If so, press one.

That's better.

So are you willing to throw your pet at the Vacuubot? Press one for yes, two for no.

What do you mean, "no"? It could come down to you or it, and believe this, any pet would sacrifice you in an instant.

Look into their cold, animal eyes and tell me they wouldn't.

Come on, press "yes.

"
- [dramatic music playing]


- [whines]

Fine, throw whatever you've got over the Vacuubot and while it struggles to be free, zip in close and turn it off.


- [doorknob clicks]


- [gasps]

[whimpers]

[growling]

[shrieks]

[dramatic music playing]

[panting]


- [doors lock]


- [gasps]

Uh
-oh.

When you att*cked your Vacuubot, you activated
- its HOME GUARD security mode,
- "att*cked"?
- And it's identified you as a trespasser.


- You told me to.

Vacuubot will classify any area it's cleaned as its personal territory.

Has this Vacuubot cleaned your entire home? [humming]

[banging]

[mouthing]

Help! Hm.


- Hey, help!
- Well, it's Vacuubot's house now.

We suggest you run.

[suspenseful music playing]

[dog whimpers]

[Vacuubot whirring]

[dramatic music playing]


- Have you left yet?
- [gasps]


- When you've reached minimum safe distance
- Shut up.


- From Vacuubot's territory, press one.


- [whimpering]

Fluff and fold, m*therf*cker! [suspenseful music playing]

[grunting]

[dog barking]

[groans]

Damn it.


- [shrieks then whimpers]


- [Bill]

Step aside, ladies.

[dramatic music playing]

[electricity crackling]

Congratulations, you've stopped the unstoppable k*lling machine that is Vacuubot.

Unfortunately, you can't stay here though.

The Vacuubot has forwarded all recorded information about you to every Vacuubot model in operation, [upbeat music playing]

All of whom will now hunt you ceaselessly until your DNA has been cleansed from the surface of the planet.

This is your life now, to hide and wander.

Never a moment's rest in this barren wasteland that is now your existence.

[car engine revving]

Unless you'd like to purchase a place on the exclusive Vacuubot
- termination whitelist.


- Go to hell.

For a special introductory rate, press one.