Turbo Kid (2015)

[bunniefuu]

This is the future.

The world as we know it is gone.

Acid rain has left the land barren,

and the water toxic.

Scared by endless wars, humanity struggles

to survive in the ruins of the old world.

Frozen in an everlasting nuclear winter,

this is the future.

This is the year 1997.

Turbo Blast!

- Yeah!

- Oh, yeah! Come on.

Kid!

Hey, oh, man, it's been a long time.

How you been, huh?

OK.

A vicious whore bit me, right smack

in the middle of my nut-sack.

That shit ever happen to you?

Hey, what happened?

Who did that?

It was the rat.

That rat did that?

It was a vicious rat.

You know, it's a g*dd*mn miracle

that you're still surviving on your own.

Well, how about a drink?

Uh, no thank you.

Suit yourself.

Are you gonna play nice, Mr Bird?

Huh? Are you gonna play nice?

OK.

OK.

The drinks are on you.

- Yeah.

- Aha-ha.

Huh, still undefeated.

So, what else you got?

Oh, um...

Well for this junk, I, uh,

can give you the usual.

Hmm?

Let me give you a couple

of these too on credit.

Looks worse than ever.

Well, if you feel like

complaining some more,

you're more than welcome to lap up

whatever's on the floor.

This sucks.

Hey!

Keep pedalling, you piece of shit.

Unbelievable.

Or I could always, uh, toss this in

for good measure, hmm?

What the hell do you think

you're doing? Huh?

You can't just walk

into a man's personal bubble.

His what?

A man's personal space,

the arm-length radius, yeah?

My mother-f*cking-comfort-zone,

and it's family only.

Sir?

Can't you see I'm in

the middle of something here?

- Another one's gone missing.

- Who?

I haven't got all day.

Are you going to tell me who it is,

or am I gonna beat it out of you?

It's your brother.

f*ck!

Let's roll!

- Let's go!

- Yeah, come on. Move it.

Outstanding performance!

Your infamous brother would be proud.

Do you have any last requests?

Hmm, try not to see this as punishment

but rather an opportunity to prove

your usefulness in these difficult times.

"Your reign of justice

is over, Turbo Rider,

"but to be a true hero,

you'll have to save your girlfriend."

"Save me, Turbo Rider."

"Your evil plan will fail, Dr Robotor."

"I will destroy you with my Turbo Glove,

the ultimate w*apon against the robot threat."

"But I am no ordinary robot,

I am a secret w*apon.

"Prepare to taste

a full turbo charge of..." Um...

Hey!

What's that in your hand?

It's, um, it's a comic book.

What's it about?

It's about Turbo Rider?

That's rad.

Are you alone?

Do you have any friends?

Oh, do you want to play hide and seek?

- I, um, I gotta go.

- Wait!

Before we go,

I just have to take care of something.

It's OK, now. You don't have to worry

about me any more.

I found a new friend.

I'll be fine I promise.

Um... Hmm.

Sir, sir?

I've been thinking. I don't know,

do you think it'd be a better idea

to keep looking for the water source,

instead of, you know, fighting Zeus?

Are you saying we should

abandon my brother?

No. No. No, but I mean,

do you really think we stand a chance?

Chance? Is that how you think

I became a champion?

A man with a good plan

has already won half the battle.

So what is the plan?

Right now, the plan is to take a piss.

Who needs chance anyways?

What a cheap move.

How'd I know that was gonna be you?

Soon you'll have to learn

how to fix it by yourself.

Here you go.

- Good morning!

- Whoa!

What are you doing here?

Breakfast.

Wow, where did you find all this stuff?

Look at all these!

It's like a museum of coolness in here.

Oh, I love these, and the mixed colours.

Look at that dress.

I love the colour of that dress.

It's so nice. Oh, my God.

- There's so many little things...

- Hey! Don't touch that!

Are you OK?

Yeah, just, you know,

- you stepped in my manly bubble, thing...

- Oh.

Did I break it?

No, it's more of a, um,

an arm length, um, comfort radius zone, OK?

Oh, I see.

- How did you find me?

- Oh, it's the bracelet.

Oh, great. Well,

how do you get it off?

Oh, you just don't.

Sit.

Eat your cereal before it gets all mushy.

- OK, how do I know you didn't poison this?

- Well, because, friends don't poison friends.

No, no, OK. We are not friends.

OK? I don't even know who you are.

We met at the playground.

Yeah,

but you broke into my home.

You touched my things...

And you talk to dead people.

And I brought you back

your Turbo Rider comic book.

Well, OK, you know,

I thought you would want to hang out,

- but you know, if you want me to go, then...

- Wait!

OK, you can, you can stay.

But just for a while.

My name's Apple.

Of course it is.

What are we going to do today?

- I am going scavenging.

- Rad. I love scavenging.

No, no, no! You, hmm, you stay here.

Just don't touch anything.

Well, why can't I come?

Um, well, because...

Because you don't have a bike.

We are going scavenging.

Yes!

I love scavenging.

OK.

You were right!

Your manly bubble is really comfortable!

OK, we need to talk.

OK, if you're coming with me, you need

to follow the survival rules of the wasteland.

OK! I love rules!

OK, rule number one,

always have water on you.

Water, check.

And, rule two,

always stay within the safe zone.

Ooh, that's clever.

Thank you.

Rule number three,

always have your wheels ready.

Have your wheels ready.

- Um...

- Oh.

Yee-ha!

Number four, try avoiding people,

especially those who look evil.

Well, I'm happy you

didn't avoid me.

Like I had a choice.

So you're Frederick, the arm wrestler.

You have an eye for the obvious, Zeus.

Uh, you know it's wonderful to finally

put a face to the name,

and an honour to have you here.

You can shove that honour up your arse.

Now, what the hell

have you done with my brother?

Patience my good man, patience.

Now, your way of settling things,

I find a bit tedious.

Around here we like to do things

with a little more joie de vivre.

Blades, that's a nice touch.

And there's more, blades and fire!

Haa!

When I say blades and fire,

I want blades and fire.

Do you mind?

No, go ahead.

Thank you.

Just because civilisation is over,

doesn't mean we can't act civilised.

Well, what do you say we see

what the man has to offer, huh?

All right, Zeus, but you won't like

what you see.

You think I didn't see that coming?

I have eyes everywhere.

From where I stand, I only see one.

Mother fucker!

I'm going to k*ll you with my bare hands.

Well, from where I stand, I only see one.

Rule number five, no hugging while riding.

I'm sorry.

OK, now we really need to find you a bike,

and maybe a helmet.

- Rule number five...

- Six.

- Rule number six...

- Yes.

Always carry a w*apon.

And seven, if you don't have one, make one.

Make one.

Making a w*apon...

Ah.

This is so pretty.

This is my w*apon.

This is my gnome stick.

I really like it a lot, thank you so much.

Pew, poo, poo, poo in the eye,

you're not part of it. Argh!

Yeah, that's right.

Boom! Pow! Gnome!

Boom! Kabam!

Pooh! Nah I told you, get back here!

- Don't you ever rest?

- No.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

What are you doing here?

I'm practising my swing.

I mean, how did you get here,

this side of the wasteland?

Well, my last best friend

was a water hunter, so I tagged along.

Then he died, and here we are.

I'm sorry.

Why, what'd you do?

No, no. I mean, about your friend.

Oh, no, don't be, he's dead.

So, where do you come from?

Pretty far, all the way

from the other side of the wasteland.

I always wondered

what the other side looked like.

It's kind of grey and dusty.

Well, I could show you.

I can't.

Oh yeah, rule number two...

Well, that's too bad,

that's too bad because you're "It"!

Hah!

- What?

- You're "It", I tagged you!

Now, you gotta tag me back, if you can!

Hah!

- Oh, look at the bird...

- Where?

You're friggin' fast.

Wanna see something cool?

I always want to see something cool.

Come on.

Whoa, that's a T-Rex.

Yeah, they were these, um, big creatures

that used to walk the earth a long time ago.

And they got k*lled off

by this big expl*si*n.

It's kind of like what happened to us,

you know?

Run! Run! Run!

As you may know,

the situation is critical.

Our defence grid has been breached.

We have reached maximum casualty level.

This is it soldier.

We have to hit these damn

machines with everything we've got.

You are our last hope.

Turbo Rider.

The fate of our future

is in your hand.

Where is she?

I'm coming, Apple.

My beloved followers, we have a very

special guest with us here this evening.

May I introduce Frederick,

the one-handed arm wrestler.

Now, Frederick wishes to be reunited

with his loving brother.

We all know how generous of spirit I am,

and I'm going to grant him his wish.

I bet you're wondering

what this contraption is, hmm?

You like science? I absolutely love it.

For example, do you know how much water

there is in the average human body?

Your blood is 83% water,

your muscle tissue, 75%.

The gristle and cartilage

around your bones, 55%.

The bones themselves, 25%.

And your noggin up here,

the old grey matter is 90% water.

Which brings the grand total

to ten precious gallons of H2O.

Ten gallons, which this machine

is designed to extract.

- I hope you choke on it, you mother fucker!

- Ah, ha-ha.

My beloved followers, who keeps you safe?

Zeus!

Who quenches your thirst?

Zeus!

And who keeps you bloody entertained?

Zeus!

You see?

I'm not nearly as despicable as you think.

- Let the juicing begin.

- No!

I beg your pardon,

did somebody say something?

Did somebody say something?

Release the girl!

And who exactly are you supposed to be?

I'm a super hero.

And what exactly is your super power?

I said, what is your super power?

This.

Oh, come on, son. Give it your best shot.

Well, that's rather disappointing, isn't it?

Into the pool with him!

In the pool!

Whoa! Oh!

I'm so happy to see you.

Oh, I, uh, I brought you something.

I brought this back for you.

You're the best.

A reunion, how sweet.

You know, I'm real happy for you kids, I am.

But unless we all want to end up in that giant

f*cking blender over there, we need a plan.

OK so listen up. I'm going to take

the fat one,

he might be strong, but he'll be slow.

You take the big guy.

Yeah, you're going to have to surprise him.

You two take the ugly one, OK?

What's the matter, kid, huh?

Are you scared?

- Yeah.

- Fear is good, use it as a w*apon. Yeah?

Now, girl what is that thing, a dwarf?

No, that's my gnome stick!

OK, whatever.

I want you to swing it as hard

as you can at that mother fucker's face.

- Yeah?

- Sir, yes sir!

Huh?

Feel the wrath of Mr Gnome.

Can you feel it?

The wrath of Mr Gnome!

I guess that was our cue.

You fat f*ck, you're fast.

Apple.

Not so fast now are you, fat f*ck?

Bravo.

I have to admit, I did not see that coming.

We won. Let us go.

That's not how it works, kid.

You're changing the rules, are you, Zeus?

It's my game, my rules.

No!

I admire your resolve, but in the end,

you're just a loser.

Eh, put the kid down.

Argh.

Playtime's over, kid.

Prepare to taste a turbo charge

of justice in the face!

Watch out!

Hey, kids, now would be

a good time to leave.

Let's split up.

Find them.

k*ll them.

Bring me back their heads on pikes.

Hey there, sleepy head.

Where, uh, where are we?

We're on a couch.

Why? How?

You got pretty beat up.

You came back to save me.

That was really sweet of you.

You look pretty good in that suit.

- You think so?

- Hmm.

I just wish I could have done more,

you know?

I wish I could have been more like

the real Turbo Rider.

Yeah, maybe you can't,

but you could totally

be Turbo Kid.

That man in the eye patch, it was him.

I wish I could have stopped him,

I should have.

- Instead, I let you get shot.

- Hmm.

You're a robot.

You're it!

You're pretty human-like for a robot.

I'm very high-tech.

I thought all robots were

supposed to be evil.

Depends on the model.

Well, can you sh**t

laser beams out of your mouth?

No, silly, I'm just a friendship...

Apple? Apple?

Apple?

Are you all right?

Yeah, my bioelectric

transmitter is damaged.

- Does it hurt?

- Oh, no.

I'm just losing some hearts.

Hmm.

What happens when you

have no more hearts?

I'll shut down, for good.

Shut down? You mean you'll die?

Yeah, yeah I'll die.

Oh.

Holy shit!

Kid? Look at you!

Don't you think you're taking

this comic book shit too far, huh?

Look, we need your help.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't care what kind of

trouble you got yourself into,

I'm not interested.

Hey. Hey.

Put that back.

Looks like you got yourself

a girlfriend, hmm?

Oh!

Give me that back, young lady!

Hey, what are you doing? You're leaving?

Yes, and if I were you, I'd be packing too.

Frederick The Arm-Wrestler is gone!

There's a shit storm coming!

Some crazy bastards pissed off Zeus

and he's on the warpath!

Oh, yeah, that was us.

And look!

Wait!

Stop following me!

All we need is a bioelectric transmitter.

She's gonna die!

Are you insane?

Argh.

She's a robot!

Yeah, but she's my friend.

I don't want to hear about it!

Bagu, please!

And why should I help you?

What's in it for me?

Um...

You could have this.

All right.

But just because it's you.

You need to head north,

find highway 64.

There, you'll find your...

Robot cemetery.

You might have some luck finding

whatever it is you're looking for there.

That is, if you're still alive.

Now that's all I know,

so leave me alone. Hmm?

- Thank you!

- Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh, and uh, Bagu, the water, it's people.

People?

Nonsense.

Whoo-hoo!

- Apple!

- Look at us ride!

Over here!

Apple!

Stupid piece of God damn shit.

Why does this aching son of a bitch

always have to happen to me?

Ah!

I mean, how could this day

get possibly f*cking worse?

f*ck!

Hey there, sleepy head.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Are you sure?

Oh, yes.

See, I have seven point five hearts left.

Wait, how can you eat if you're a robot?

Oh, I can eat, I can drink,

I can sleep, I can breathe.

The illusion works better

if I behave 100% like a human.

I mean, cos you know,

no one wants to remind a human

that his best friend is a robot.

Well, I actually think it's kind of cool

that you're a robot.

And, plus, you've got some pretty

serious fighting skills too.

Do you want me to teach you?

Yeah!

Yes!

Are you ready to become a master

in the art of kicking ass?

- Yes.

- Strike first, strike hard, show no mercy!

That's it!

That's it?

Eyes! Throat! Genitals!

So, strike first.

Always surprise your enemy.

Strike hard, always remember the weak points

of the human body, eyes, throat, genitals.

- Okay.

- And show no mercy,

so, you know, show no mercy.

Thank you.

That was cool.

- Oh, this is so much fun.

- I'm glad it is for you.

I love watching the sky at night.

Do you know why there are so many stars?

Oh, because space consists

of a whole lot of dust and gas

that gather to form

billions and billions of

stars and suns across

the different galaxies of the universe?

Yeah... No!

I mean,

what I was going to say is that,

my mom once told me that,

when somebody dies, a star is born.

So when the apocalypse happened,

the sky lit up with all the souls

of the people who died.

So, your mom is up there?

Yup, with my father. Up there in the sky.

It's weird, I, uh... I never told

anyone about my parents before.

I'm, I'm sorry.

No worries, it could happen to anybody.

We'll fix you...

Promise.

A T-Rex.

Where the f*ck am I?

Zeus?

How are you?

You're looking fine,

and, uh, kind of serious.

Is that a new coat?

Oh!

Oh, oh that's... That doesn't look good.

No, that's bad, that's bad.

Look, whatever it is,

I'm sure we can talk this through!

Were you actually going to leave town

without saying goodbye?

Me?

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

I was just gonna take

a few days off, you know?

Go to the beach, work on my tan.

Just... I could really use some vitamin D.

You know, Vitamin D.

I'm looking for a young boy, a young girl,

and a big strapping cowboy.

Cowboy, huh?

Wow. And a boy and a girl,

uh... Maybe! Maybe.

Nah, it doesn't ring a bell.

No.

No, no, no, no, no!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but in case you haven't noticed,

your guts are literally attached

to the wheel of this bicycle.

This is...

Ingenious! Yes, thank you.

Now, I know

that you know where they are.

So, I suggest you start talking right away.

The robot cemetery!

They're at the robot cemetery.

That's all I know...

Well, that was quick,

rather disappointing actually.

You're gonna help me

put these back in, right?

- Mmm.

- Please?

Do you have any idea how much

time it took to set this up?

Huh?

Yes, I'm sure you'll understand.

No, no, no, no.

Ah! No, no, no, no!

Shh.

It's a dead end!

Apple.

No!

I'm so sorry. We were so close.

It's okay.

You're the best friend that I've ever had.

Don't die on me!

We're here, hold on!

Apple, wake up!

Wake up!

I don't wanna be alone again.

I've been travelling all day,

and I've developed quite a thirst.

Would you have a drop of untainted

water for a fellow traveller?

Lower your hammer please,

that won't be necessary.

I know that my friend here doesn't

look quite as friendly as I do,

but I assure you,

all I need is a simple cup of water.

Thank you.

Oh, that's wonderful.

That's exactly what I needed.

Now, where did you get the water?

Because this is my land.

Taking anything from my land

would be considered stealing.

And you don't want to

steal from me, do you?

You got what you wanted, now please leave.

Where did you get the water?

It's OK, honey, I got this.

It's all right, honey, he's got this.

Death by drowning,

it's a luxury few men can afford.

Stop!

Hah, look at this.

I admire your spirit, young lady,

but your story has come to an end.

Then let's make it memorable.

No!

No.

She's mine.

Stop!

Well, what have we got here?

All right, kid, take your best shot.

No, don't bother,

he won't last long out there.

Fore!

You all right there, kid?

You took quite a dose of that nasty gas.

Where's Apple?

I'm sorry, kid.

Why'd you save me?

I owed you one.

Well, actually, I needed a new hand.

I sure as hell didn't

expect to find you there.

It's like fate or some shit.

It's impressive, huh?

You know what that is?

Turbo Mega Blaster.

You sure know your shit, kid, don't ya?

I guess you know where

I'm going with this then, hmm?

I'm meeting up with an old mate

and we're going straight to Zeus.

We're going to shove that

thing so far up his ass,

that he'll taste his own shit.

So, kid...

What do you say?

Let's roll.

Yeah, let's roll.

How does he keep sneaking

up on me like that?

What are you doing?

Just play it cool, kid.

Trust me.

I love that dress!

You know, Frederick,

you make poor choices in friends.

Ah, look, the arm-wrestler

has grown a new arm.

What about you kid,

you feeling feisty after

losing your super power?

And your girlfriend,

correction, robotic girlfriend.

Here name was Apple!

I admire your spirit, kid,

but unfortunately your story's

about to come to an end.

Then let's make it memorable.

Ah, you're the kid.

Ha...

You're full of surprises, aren't you?

For Christ's sake,

will you shut the f*ck up and let's fight!

I knew you'd be eager,

that's why I brought the party to you.

It's play time.

Get ready to fight, kid.

This is going to get ugly.

I don't know if I can do this.

A man never knows how strong he is until

being strong is the only choice he has.

Really?

I don't know, kid, but it sounds good.

Argh!

Eyes!

Throat!

Genitals!

Nice!

Ladies...

Now I'm feeling the love.

Come on, bitch, huh? Come on!

You like that? Take this, bitch!

That's it, sweetheart. Come to daddy.

Ugh!

Hey, kid!

Fucker!

Good riddance, you fucker.

You're alive.

You didn't wait for me.

- I'm so sorry, I thought you were dead.

- No, no, no!

I mean to start the fight.

Oh...

Well, I brought you back your, um,

um, turbo, uh, glove thing.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

You son of a bitch.

Oh, you son of a...

Such a rude individual.

Look at us, huh?

Dj vu all over again.

Oh, and you were right, it was memorable.

Now, what was so difficult about that?

Ah.

Playtime is over Zeus.

You know, I really like most people,

but you, I don't like.

Ah!

Well, I've worn you far too long.

So much for trying to fit in.

You're a robot?

Yeah, you didn't know?

Robot?

Ha, I am a CC1-11, corporate companion,

designed to create

and instigate corporate policy.

Fashioned to the likeness of my master.

He said to me,

just before I bashed his head

in with his own golf club,

"Remember, you're only a robot."

Only a robot!

Well, I'm the one standing here, not him.

Sir, you are very mean.

I don't expect a basic friendship unit

to have a CPU fast enough

to understand what I just said.

But rest assured,

human beings are highly inefficient,

pests actually, not unlike cockroaches.

You're a monster!

I was designed by your kind.

You made me what I am.

It was a mistake!

And I'm trying to fix it!

That's what super heroes do!

How charming.

Would you like to see what I do? Huh?

You did good, Turbo Kid.

And when you watch the sky at night,

I'll be there.

No.

You did the right thing, kid.

How's your shoulder?

Should be all right.

You cannot k*ll this cowboy.

I can't believe you found

the f*cking water source!

That's going to save hundreds of lives,

maybe more.

Take good care of it.

So you sure you want to leave, then?

Where are you gonna go?

To see what the rest of

the wasteland looks like.

Well, there's not much to see there, kid.

I know.