02x03 - The Lottery

[bunniefuu]

Oh, here it goes.

♪ Everybody out there
go run and tell ♪

♪ Your homeboys
and homegirls ♪

♪ It's time for
kenan and kel ♪

♪ They'll keep you laughing
in the afternoon ♪

♪ So don't touch that dial,
don't leave the room ♪

♪ Because they're always
into some more fun ♪

♪ And you don't
want to miss it ♪

♪ It's double k
like do the good way ♪

♪ Kenan and kel, or should
I say kel and kenan? ♪

♪ Then you gotta
watch kenan ♪

♪ 'Cause kenan be scheming
with a plan or a plot ♪

♪ To make it to the top

♪ But they're kinda
in the middle ♪

♪ Because they're all
the same call ♪

♪ This ain't the hardy boys
or nancy drew mystery ♪

♪ It's just kenan and kel
in your vicinity ♪

♪ Like siegfried and roy
or abbott and costello ♪

♪ Magic and kareem
or penn and teller ♪

♪ Somebody's in trouble?
Oh, here go ♪

♪ On nick nick nick nick
nick nick nick nick ♪♪

All right!

Oh!

Hey, ladies and gentlemen...

Kenan!

Oh, thank you!

All right!

Whoo!

Hey, ladies

And gentlemen...

Uh, kel!

Oh, all right.

[Applause]

Whoo!

[Rattling]

Hey, what's that thing?

This is gonna
tell us what tonight's
show is about.

We spin the wheel.
Then we read the card

And find out
what the show's
gonna be about.

I don't know.
Can't we just
show a rerun?

No, fish stick.
Now, come on. Let's go.

♪ Oh

[Singing nonsense]

All right.
Let's see.

Uhh!

What's it say?

It says, "on tonight's
episode of kenan & kel,

Kel dresses up like a
woman and gets a raccoon
stuck in his pantyhose."

No, no, no.
Uh-uh.

No, I will not
dress up like a woman.

No pantyhose or raccoon.
Try again. Come on.

All right.
All right.

[Singing nonsense]

All right.

Uhh!

What's it say?
What's it say?

Ok, it says,
"kenan dips kel in
some hot melted butter.

Then kel jumps out of
a airplane buck naked."

Ha ha ha ha!

Now, that's comedy!

No, no, no, no.

I will not jump out
of an airplane naked.

Let me try.
I want to spin this time.

All right.

All right.

Oh...

Ooh!

Ho ho ho!

Ha ha ha!

Would you stop giggling?
What's it say?

Oh...

Huh?

Please?

Oh, it's gonna be
be a good show.

I can't wait!

Follow me, cupcake.

Ohh...

Kenan, what did
that card say?

Yo, kenan,
you got to tell me!

Kenan, o-o-o-ok.

I'll get in pantyhose.

Kenan!

You can butter me.

Kenan!

Aw, here it goes.

[Applause]

Man! We haven't had a customer
in here all day.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ha! There.

Kenan rockmore.

Gets the signal...

Winds it up...

Here comes the pitch.

Could you give me
a hand with the--

[Splat]

Aah!

Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me help you.

Oh!

I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.

Oh!

Oh!

What's the big idea?

I-i-i'm sorry, chris.
I got bored.

You got bored,
so you tried to k*ll me
with my own fruit?

Well, what else
am I gonna do?

We haven't had a customer
in the store all day.

Did you unlock the door?

Yes, I unlocked the door.

See?

Kel:
hey, kenan!

Ooohhh!

Ooh, here comes kel
on his new rollerblades.

There will be
no rollerblading
in this store.

Kel, you are
to take off those
rollerblades--

Aah!
Aah!

Oops!

Oops,
my patootie!

All right, well,
calm down, chris.

We'll clean this up.

Oh, what's
the point?

We've barely
had customers
this week.

I might as well
just close
the place down.

If you do, can I have
all the orange soda?

You'll get nothing
and like it!

Well!

Chris, I'm telling you,

The key to getting
the customers is to
sell lottery tickets.

Aw, I don't know.

I do!
Look at the newspaper.

Illinois lottery,
up to $ , , .

Everyone in chicago
is buying a ticket.

I'm telling you,
if we sell them here,
we get the customers.

I think
it's a good idea.

Well, then,
it must be a bad idea.

[Mocking]
well, then, it must
be a bad idea.

Stop the mockery!

Chris, listen.
The chicago tribune--

No, no, no.
We don't need lottery
tickets to get business.

All we need is
good, old-fashioned
salesmanship.

You got to be
aggressive.

Kel: ooh,
you got a customer.

I'll handle this.

[Bell jingles]

Well, hello, young man,

And welcome to rigby's.

May I help you?

Yeah. I want a root beer.

Oh, root beer.
Of course!

Well, come right
over here.

Oh, look. I have
an entire case
of root beer.

There you go.
You're a fine
young man.

That will be $ .

But I just want one can.

One can?
What's the matter
with you?

What kind of a twisted
kid only buys one can
of root beer at a time?

Uh, chris...calm down.

Listen, boy,
you buy the whole
case of root beer,

Or you'll get
no root beer
at all, ever!

Hey, keep the
root beer, freak.

[Bell jingles]

So...lottery tickets.

Chris: one at
a time, please.
One at a time!

Kenan: ok, ok,
that's it.
It's : .

Chris: time's up.
Rigby's is closed.

Aw...

Out! Out!
Everybody out!

Yeah! Go home!

Please exit the building
in an orderly fashion.

[Customers complaining]

Chris: good luck,
everybody. Good luck.

Well, chris?

Kenan, you were right.

I should have started
selling lottery tickets
in here years ago.

I bet this is the
biggest day rigby's
has ever seen.

Oh!

Excuse me.

Miss quagmire, I'm very sorry,
but the store is closed.

You'll have to leave.

But, please,
I haven't purchased
my lottery tickets yet.

Oh, too bad.
Hasta la see ya.

Oof!

Listen to me, weasel.

I want lottery tickets,
and I want them now!

Kenan, please sell
miss quagmire

All the lottery tickets
she would like.

Ha ha ha ha!

Sure. How many
do you want,
miss quagmire?

Well, I'm feeling
a bit saucy today.

Make that two!

My, that is saucy!

Two lottery tickets
coming up.

All right.

[Beep]

Good luck,
quagmire.

Oh, thank you.

Oh...

[Bell jingles]

Chris, man,
check it out.
Check it out.

Zowie!

Look at all the money
we made today!

Man, what a bunch
of suckers,

Just throwing away all
their hard-earned money
on lottery tickets.

When they have practically
no chance of winning
that $ , , .

No chance at all.

Dreamers.

Idiots.

So how many tickets
you want?

!
I want !

Chris: me, too!

Kel: wait! Wait!
Hold up!

What?

You guys are gonna
spend $ each
on lottery tickets?

Come on. Can we think?
Will we think?

Do the right thing,
do the right thing.

He's right.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's good.

Give me !

I'm gonna be rich!

Here!

Hand me the ticket.

Come on, kel.
We got to hurry up
and get to my house

Before they draw
the winning numbers.

I want to be with my
family when I become
a millionaire.

Man, there is
no way you're gonna
win that lottery.

Oh, yeah?
You just wait.

What?

Hey, why don't youbuy
a lottery ticket?

I told you, I will
not spend my money
on lottery tickets.

Come on, kel.

You know, it's not gonna
be any fun for you

If you're the only guy
in chicago without
a lottery ticket.

O-o-ok.
I'll buy one ticket.

That's my boy.
Whoo!

All right,
one lotto ticket
for kel.

Here you go.

All right, let's go.

Chris: oh!

What's wrong?

I'm never gonna make
it home in time for
the lottery drawing.

So? Come watch it
with us at my house.

I'm brock richards,

And this is the illinois
turbo lotto!

Kenan: are we late?

Come sit.
Sit, sit.

Oh!

Whoa!

All right.

I can't breathe.

Kenan:
you can breathe later.

Brock: all rightie,
the time has finally come.

Let's get these balls
a-bouncin'!

For $ , , ,
the first number is...

All right,
come on! Come on!

.

!
!
!

Aww...

And our second number is...

!

I got !

Our next number is...

!

! Ok.

I got !
I got !

And now our fourth number...

!

I got !

You got .

No, no.

Brock: our next number...

!

. It's !

I got .
I got .

And now, our last number...
For $ , , ...

!

?!

?!

I hate the
turbo lotto!

That is the last
time I play!

Bucks
down the drain.

Mother is going
to k*ll me.

What a ripoff!

I won.

Man, the illinois
lottery has got
to be the dumbest--

What did you
say, kel?

I won!

Kel!
Did you say...

You won?

He won?who won?

I won!

Wait, wait, wait.
Let me see that ticket.

Kel won!

[All screaming]

All right.
All right, everybody.

All right, calm down.
Settle down.

When do I get my money?

Ok, let me see
the ticket.

All right.

Ok, it says here
to redeem all winning
tickets within hours

At the local
illinois lottery center.

Cool. We'll go
after school tomorrow.

Chris: I'll take you.
I have a radio in my car.

Kel:
all right. Cool.

Kel, tomorrow
you become
a millionaire!

[Cheering]

You, too!

Kenan: huh?

I'm gonna split
the money with you.

Kel,
you mean it, man?

Yeah. I mean,
you're my best friend.

I wouldn't want to be
a millionaire without you.

Ohh...

Uh, kel?

Yeah?

I love you, baby.

Oh...

Oh...

There you are!
Where's the ticket?

Right here.
I haven't let it
out of my sight.

Great. Let's go!

Kel: ok.

Chris: oh...

Good afternoon.

I'm sorry,
miss quagmire,

But we are closing
for the afternoon.

Fine. You may close
after I get a few things.

Well, what you need,
quagmire?

Hurry!
Please!

I want some tuna fish...

Kitty litter...

Hot sauce...

And one
nose hair clipper.

That's all.

Kenan: kel,
you bag it up
for her.

That'll be . .
Thank you.

[Cash register rings]

Whoo!

Mm-hmm.

All right.

All right.

Thank you very much
for coming by.

Kenan: thank you,
miss quagmire.

We appreciate
your business always.

Let's go get rich, baby!

Ding ding ding,
ding dang ding!

Gentlemen,
may I help you?

Oh, yeah! I do believe
you can help us.

Yes, we'll be needing
quite a bit of help.

Whoo!

Kel.

$ , , , Please.

You--
you have the winning
lottery ticket?

I do, I do, I do, I do-ooh!

And I get half, half,
half, half-ah!

That's certainly right-a,
right-a, right-a, right-a!

Show him the ticket.

Yeah. Whip that
bad boy out.

I'm gonna whip
that bad boy out.

♪ I'm gonna whip
that bad boy out ♪

♪ I'm gonna whip
that bad boy out ♪

♪ He gonna whip
that bad boy out ♪

♪ He gonna whip
that bad boy out ♪

♪ He gonna whip
that bad boy out ♪

♪ He gonna whip
that bad boy out ♪

♪ He gonna whip
that bad boy out ♪

Boy, we gonna
be rich!

♪ We gonna be rich

Tito!

♪ We gonna be rich

♪ Ooh, we gonna
be rich ♪

Stop playing
with me, jermaine.

♪ We gonna be rich

Kenan!

Leave me alone,
michael!

Kenan!

What?

No!

I can't find the ticket!

But this isn't
happening!

Check your pockets!

I did!

[Kel sobbing]

[Bell jingles]

I don't believe you!

How could you lose
a ba-million-dollar
ticket?

I don't ba-know!

All I know is,
I had it when I came
here after school.

He's right. I remember
he showed it to me.

That means
that the ticket
has got to be

Somewhere here
in the store.

Ok. Let's just calmly
search the place.

Right.

Uh-huh.

Aah!
Aah!
Aah!

Bye-bye, happiness.

Bye-bye,
my $ , , .

This is
too depressing.

I'm gonna go home
and shave mother.

Kel, I just have
one question.

What?

Why?!

Why couldn't you have
just kept the ticket
in your hand?

Well, I did
until you wanted me

To bag miss quagmire's
groceries.

Huh!
Huh!

Miss quagmire!

Yeah. I probably
dropped it in
her grocery bag!

She probably
has the ticket and
doesn't even know it.

All right!
Let's call her.

No, no, no, no,
juicy fruit.

We can't let her know
that she has the ticket

'Cause she might not
give it back.

How are we gonna
get that ticket?

We got to get inside
miss quagmire's house

And look for the ticket
without letting her know
that we're looking.

Let's go!

But it's midnight!

So? We got
to get that ticket!

Uh-uh. We're gonna
get in trouble.

L-l-looky here.

Now, for $ , , ,
you're gonna risk
a little trouble.

Come on here.

No!

You better get on
out the door.

Oh, my bad. I'm sorry.

Miss quagmire:
just a moment.

[Pounding on door]

Here I come.

Here I come.

Good evening,
miss quagmire.

What's up?

Kenan! Kel! It's midnight!
What are you two doing here?

Um...

Uh...

We came by
to bring you the...

Whoo.

To bring me what?

Bring, uh...

Pffft.

Uh...hold on.

What happened was, see,
there was, um...

[Snap]

Um...

See? We brought you
this mailbox.

That's mymailbox.

Yeah. You left
it outside.

It's supposed
to be outside.

Oh, yeah.
Can we come
in your house?

Well, i--
it's a bit q*eer,

But all right.

Cool.
All right.

We're in the house.

All right.
Wow. Nice.

I'd offer you
something, but i--

Oh, yeah.
I'll take some cocoa.

I love
orange soda.

Miss quagmire: all right.
I'll fetch the beverages.

Oh, yeah.
Fetch the beverages.

Mm-hmm.
Fetch on, fetch on.

Find that lottery ticket.

Ok.

Hey, look, kenan.

Here's a picture of
miss quagmire when she
was just a little thing.

Put that down.

Aah!

[Whispers]
kenan!

Shh. Find the
lottery ticket.

Here we are.

Kenan, here's your cocoa.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Kel, here's
your orange soda.

Oh...

You've got
my goldfish!

Oh!

Give me--don't!
What are you doing with it?

Whoops, I spilled
my cocoa.

I spilled my cocoa.
Look at that.

Oh. Ohh...

Get rid of the fish.

Let me help you there,
miss quagmire.

Miss quagmire:
I'd better go get
a wet towel.

Kenan: oh, ok.
Good idea.
Run along, now.

[Kel gasping]

Would you stop playing?
What's wrong with you?

There's a fish
in my pants!

Just help me find
the lottery ticket!

[Whimpering]

Ow!

What now?

The fish bit me!

So? Just find the ticket.

Kel, look!
Rigby's grocery bags!

I'll bet if you dropped
the ticket in here,

They're probably
still in here.

Hey, kenan, look--
a moose. Ha ha ha!

Ah, you ticklish?

Aah!

Oh! Look what you've done!

Let me--let me
pick it up.

It's heavy!

It's a real moose.

It's a real moose.

It's a real moose.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, I got you, kenan.

I got you.
Hold on! I got you.

Oh!

Oh!

Aah!

Oh, no!

The moose!
It's alive! It's alive!

No! No!
Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, no!

Run, moose, run!
Run, moose, run!

Run, moose, run!

Aah!

Ohh.

$ , , ...

Gone.

But you know what?

Ha ha ha ha!

It's kind of funny
when you think about it.

Oh, yeah. It's hot.
I'm just--

I'm just splitting
my spleen.

Uh-huh.

Really. I mean, if you
reallythink about it.

I won $ , , ,

Then I just lost
the ticket.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, yeah. Only you
could do something
that crazy.

Mercy on me, boy!
Losing $ , , .

We had it in our hands,
then--oh!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

[Sobbing]
[sobbing]

Kenan! Kel! Come check out
the tv! Hurry!

[Sobbing]
[sobbing]

And tell us,
miss quagmire,

Where did you buy
the winning ticket?

I didn't buy it.
I found it in a bag
of groceries!

Whatever.
Here is your check
for $ , , !

Yes!

No!
No!

[Audience cheering]

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you,
thank you,
thank you.

Right on.

What's up, patrick?
Chill. All right.

Wow. Now,
that show was really
frustrating.

Tell me about it.

Yeah, but at least
we learned yet another
important lesson.

What, you mean that
there are some things
more important than money,

Like health...

[Sappy music playing]

Friendship, education...

And that we shouldn't
put all of our hopes
and dreams

Into one silly
lottery ticket

Because life is too
short and too precious
to take for granted?

What are you
talking about?

[Music stops]

That's not the lesson,
cookie dough.

It's not?

[Mocking]
it's not?

No, it's not.

See, the lesson is,
if ever there is
something important,

You're gonna
screw it up!

Ohh!

But you know what?

Yeah, I dohave
a plan that not even
you can screw up.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.
Ha ha ha ha!

Kenan, no!

Kel, grab some
swimming trunks
and some catsup

And meet me
at the zoo.

Ha ha ha!

"Cats-up"?

It's the generic
pronunciation
of the word.

Come on, party pants.

Oh, party pants...

Party pants?

K-k-k-kenan, why the zoo?

I'm not an animal!

I'm a tv character!

Aw, here it goes!


Why?!