02x09 - Subway

[bunniefuu]

Hey, y'all. How much time do we have

Till we start the show?

Minutes. Minutes till we start the show.

Minutes till the show starts.

What do you want to do?

Let's have a contest

To see who can hold their hand under ice water the longest.

We just need a cooler with ice water in it.

Why, there's one!

It's ideal, you know?

Man!

O.k.

On , we'll put our hands in the ice water.

Whoever can stand the cold the longest wins.

Cool.

Cool.

...

...

!

Oh ho ho! That water's cold!

Oh, baby kel!

Big blue!

You just wait. I'll see y'all on stage!

O.k., Lori beth. It's you and me.

Me and you.

Minutes. Minutes to show.

Gettin' pretty cold, huh?

[Strained] oh, no.

It ain't so bad.

Yeah? I can take it.

All cast to stage. You're outta minutes.

Hey, the show's about to start. You wanna quit?

Sure. Why don't you go on and take your hand out?

Right after you.

Oh, I don't think so.

Can you feel your hand anymore?

Not at all.

Does it hurt bad?

Oh, way bad.

O.k. I got an idea.

On , we'll both take our hands out at the same time.

Mmm. Count it.

.... ...

.

Come on. Let's go do the first sketch.

But I'm not in the first sketch.

[Chuckling] you are now!

Wait a minute!

Captioning made possible by nickelodeon and u.s. Department of education

Fresh out the box.

Stop, look, and watch.

Ready yet? Get set.

It'sall that.

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪

♪ Check it, check it

♪ Now, this is just an introduction ♪

♪ Before we blow your mind ♪

♪ The show is all of that ♪

♪ And yes, we do it all the time ♪

♪ So sit your booty on the floor ♪

♪ Or in a chair

♪ On the ground or in the air ♪

♪ Just don't go nowhere

♪ 'Cause everything we do

♪ Is all of that

♪ We're entertaining you

♪ We're all of that

♪ My posse and my crew

♪ Is all of that

♪ So sit still

♪ 'Cause we're comin' right back ♪

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪

♪ Check it out

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪♪

♪ I'm a dude

♪ He's a dude

♪ She's a dude

♪ 'Cause we're all dudes, hey! ♪

♪ I'm a dude

♪ He's a dude

♪ She's a dude, 'cause we're-- ♪♪

Hey, welcome to good burger, home of the good burger.

Can I take your or--

Hey! Hey! Hey!what? What? What?

I said no mayonnaise on my good burger!

Look at it! There's mayonnaise all over it!

Don't bust a hose, dude. I'll fix it for you.

Hold on. Check it.

There you go. Mayonnaise-free.

You're brain-free!

What?

Welcome to good burger, home of the good burger.

Can I take your order?

What's in a new good chunks?

One good chunks. That'll be bucks.

No, no. I didn't order the good chunks.

First I must know what they are.

They're chunks.

That're good.

Well, that's unacceptable.

Please, sir, what's in the good chunks?

Look, lady, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

All righty.

I'll just go home, then.

What's in a good chunks?!

Tell me! Tell me the secret of the chunks!

Welcome to good burger, home of the good burger. Can i--

Don't change the subject!

Everybody listen,

Listen!

Attention!

Attention all citizens of this city!

People at a local trailer park

Have just reported sightings of a ufo!

I repeat--ufo!

Ufo...

Oof-oh?

No!

Ufo means unidentified flying object!

That means aliens-- space creatures!

I'm serious!

Aah!

Ed, what's going on?!

Oh, nothing much. What's going on with you?

Sets space ship "car" alarm: [beep beep]

I am pustar.

I am budsore.

We are from the kopolo galaxy.

Aah!

We are aliens from another planet.

We have traveled millions of light years

To investigate your planet earth.

Welcome to good burger, home of the good burger.

Can I take your order?

We said...

We...are...aliens...

From a...nother...planet.

And I said...

[Speaking slowly] welcome to good burger,

Home of the good burger.

Can I take your order?

Huh huh huh hah!

We are from outer space.

Oh! Well, if you're from outer space,

Then do something outer spacey!

Stand back,

And I will show you the powers of my quad-com.

Uh!

Whoa!

Whoa, I'm up in the air!

I'm up high! I'm up in the air! Whoa!

Whoa, look out, tinker bell!

Poosh!

Whoa! Cool. Ha ha.

Yeah.

Good heavens!

These space people are demons, I tell you!

They'll take us all prisoner

And experiment on our heads!

Oh, sweet salami, we're doomed!

[Screaming]

Silence!!

[Whistles]

Uh...does it seem quieter in here to you guys?

What's wrong, space dudes?

We are hungry. Can you help us?

Oh! Sure, I can help you.

That's what I do.

Welcome to good burger, home of the good burger.

Can I take your order?

Oh, right up there, pustar.

Oh.

I will have...

One good meal, please.

One good meal. Uh, budsore.

Just a good burger.

Oh, good choice! One good burger. That'll be bucks.

But...we are aliens.

Wedo not use...money.

Well, then we do not eat...food.

But we have traveled millions of light years,

And all we request from you is nourishment.

Please give us food.

Uh...well, uh...

I guess you can have these good burgers.

They fell on the floor, and--

Eew! Nasty!

[Gagging]

What--what's the problem?

I feel irregular.

How can humans eat these good burgers?

Quickly!

We must exit

And regurgitate!

Good-bye!

[Sound of spaceship taking off]

Whoa, this has been a weird day! Eew!

Uh, beth...

A-ahem.

You know, um,

I wanted to tell you that, um,

I've got these feelings for you,

Right here... In my heart, and, um...

You know, I was wondering...

Uh--eh--

Let me finish!

If you'd like to...

If you're not doing anything tonight,

Go steady?

Cool! Hah!

Come on. Let's go.

Oh!

Boy, you been eatin' good burgers?

And now, lori beth denberg with more vital information

For your everyday life.

If your mother asks you what you learned in school today,

You'll scare her if you say,

"Well, we learned about math, english,

And witchcraft!"

[Diabolical laughter]

Blind mice. See how they run...

Into things.

When you're on a date,

Never spread your toes apart

And then say, "hey, check out my fungus!"

This has been lori beth denberg with vital information.

♪ This is all that ♪

♪ This is all that ♪♪

Thank you, bryce.

Sit down. It's all right.

Let's see who we have next

For show and tell.

Oh, jessica! Jessica...

My show and tell project for today is...

A skunk!

Ooh!

Skunks are animals.

They can be found outside.

They eat stuff,

And when they get scared,

They spray people with this horrible-smelling liquid...

Like this. Boo!

Oh! Oh, my!

That's all.

Thank you, jessica,

For that most odoriferous

Presentation.

You get an "a"

Even though your project "stunk"!

Let's see who's next.

Uh...jerry.

Thank you, miss fingerly.

Now, as some of you know, my dad's a dentist, right?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So today for show and tell,

I'm gonna pull somebody's tooth out.

Wonderful!

I'm gonna need a volunteer.

How about you, miss fingerly?

Well, I don't know--

Come on, miss fingerly!

Well, all right!

I'll take a walk on the wild side!

Ooh!

Now you just lie back and open your mouth.

All right!

Uh, jerry, don't you need to give her

Some kind of sh*t to k*ll the pain?

Yeah, but you can't do that stuff

Unless you're a licensed dentist.

And I'm not. So we gonna skip that part.

Here we go.

Oh!

Now, see,

The important thing is to grab the tooth

And not the tongue.

Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh!

On a scale of - ,

How much does getting a tooth pulled hurt?

Oh! Ow! Ow!

Looks like from here.

Have you ever pulled somebody's tooth out before?

Um...

No.

Oh!

You gonna give me this tooth!

Gimme the tooth!

Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh!

Man, that tooth is in there good!

Sometimes don't ya have to drill the tooth out?

We could try that.

Aah!

I'm gonna yank the tooth now, y'all.

Gimme a -count.

...

...

!

[Pop boing]

Did you get her tooth?

No, but he yanked my tonsils right out!

I've been meaning to have those removed. Thank you, jerry!

If only he could remove my pesky appendix!

Lie down.

Ooh!

And now,all that presents, a semi-educational moment:

Everyday french with pierre escargot.

[Speaking french]

[Speaking french]

[Speaking french]

♪ This isall that ♪♪

And now, live on wack radio,

It's time for dr. K,

So kick back or pick up your telephone

And say hey! To dr. K!

All right. It's the one,

It's the only benevoloni ticky-ticky dr. K!

Hey, any of you parents out there

Have any questions about your kids,

Make my telephone dance.

Say hey to ticky-ticky dr. K!

Man: hey, dr. K, listen.

I have a -year-old son,

And, well, he keeps putting on his sister's clothes.

What do I do?

Uh...puts on his sister's clothes.

Uh, what's his name?

Steven.

Uh, tell me, does steven look good in a dress?

Yes, he does.

A -year-old son. Wears his sister's clothes.

Uh...dr. K's advice-- call the boy stephanie!

Problem solved!

Next call,

Say hey to ticky-ticky dr. K!

Man, unenthusiastic: uh...hey...doctor.

I'm having terrible headaches.

My back hurts,

And I have painful cramps in my nose.

What should I do, dr. Cline?

Dr. Cline?

This ain't dr. Cline.

This is dr. K!

Can I speak to dr. Cline?

No, man. You got the wrong number!

I have cramps in my nose.

You could take a couple of aspirin

For your head and back,

But I don't know too much about nose cramps.

A man shouldn't have cramps in his nose. It just ain't right!

Problem solved!

Next call,

Say hey to ticky-ticky dr. K!

Woman, roseanne voice: hey, dr. K or whatever,

I'm on a real good tv show and everything,

And I'm, like, sick and tired of people

Always asking for my autograph and junk.

[Whining]

Uh...you sound familiar. Who is this?

I ain't tellin'!

[Whining groans]

[Belches]

Hey, hey, hey. I know that burp anywhere.

What's up, roseanne?

I'm in your closet.

[Dial tone]

Hey, what's up, roseanne?

I want a ham sandwich.

Yeah. Come and sit down.

We'll get it later.

Put whipped cream on it.

Hey, sure, sure, sure.

Hey, we got a special guest on the mike!

Say what's up to the one and definitely only

Roseanne!

Uh, like, whatever.

What do you say we take a few calls, all right?

This chair hurts my butt.

Uh...

Imagine how the chair must feel.

Next call.

Say hey to ticky-ticky dr. K!

Woman: hey, dr. K,

And roseanne,

I've got a little problem with my daughter.

She picks her nose.

Yeah?

So what's the problem?!

Problem solved!

[Bong]

Next call.

Say hey to dr. K and roseanne.

Woman: hey, dr. K and roseanne,

My son refuses to do what I tell him.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

I told him darn times to clean up his room,

And it's still a mess!

Put the little punk on the phone.

All right.

Boy: yeah? Who is this?

It's roseanne, so pipe down and listen up!

You got any pets?

Uh, yeah, I got a goldfish named flipper.

Why?

'Cause if you don't clean up your stinkin' room in minutes,

I'm comin' over there

And havin' myself some kentucky fried flipper!

O.k., O.k.! Yes, ma'am!

Problem solved!

That's all the time we have.

I'd like to thank my special guest, riggy-riggy roseanne!

Where's my ham sandwich with whipped cream?!

Oh, yeah, don't worry about that. I got that.

Here it is. Thanks, man.

There you go.

This is cold.

I like my sandwiches hot.

Sorry, roseanne.

I'll just stick it under my arm for a while.

Catch me next time when I take the mike

And y'all call in and say hey to ticky-ticky dr. K!

Dance with me, rosie. Come on.

All right. Well, watch out, 'cause I'll lick your ass.

All that proudly presents life with...

Peter shows us the good way to treat a sandwich.

Flem shows us the bad way to treat a sandwich.

[Blows nose]

Peter knows how to eat a bowl of cereal the proper way.

He chews each bite times.

Flem eats like a nasty goat.

Hey, clavis! Wake up.

The show's over.

Oh, yeah. Kick it!