(saxophone jazz music playing)
-(music continues)
-(vehicles honking)
(music continues)
(grunting) Hey! What the...
(both grunting)
-(man) Watch it!
-(woman gasps)
Come on!
Hey, watch it, assh*le.
(pants, grunts)
Hey.
Where are you off to in such a hurry?
Wherever I want. Now get out of my way!
-Move!
-Okay, chill, man!
I'm moving.
(passengers clamoring)
(grunting)
(grunts)
(gasps)
(grunting)
(panting)
I'm safe. No way he finds me up here.
(cocks g*n)
(g*nsh*t)
It's just your nerves, Tommy.
He's not here.
He can't be.
(gasps)
(grunting)
All right, you snooty clown.
You won't take me without a fight.
(grunts angrily)
(grunting)
Speak, damn you! Say something.
Say anything!
(groaning)
Mime the gap.
(man) And, boom!
Wow, look at that.
My agent was right.
This is it. My big break.
The one that takes me
from C-list action guy
to A-list action guy.
Oh. Yeah. Oh, sorry.
You don't even know who I am.
Let me introduce myself.
My name is--
(director) Cut!
-(body thuds)
-(bell buzzing)
(man) Nope. My name is not "Cut."
But you get that. You're smart.
Unlike that guy, the director,
and I use that term very loosely.
He's only here because he made
a really popular shampoo commercial...
-(man groaning)
-...somewhere in Yugoslavia.
Now, you'd think a guy like that
would be grateful for the opportunity.
(laughing) But no.
Not this guy.
And you know why?
Because he's a bully,
and there's nothing on this earth
I hate more than a bully.
What the hell was that?
-What the hell was what?
-That!
The line is, "Gravity's a bitch."
Not "Mime the gap"!
We have to have that line.
Remember, you say it at the beginning,
and then it comes into play at the end.
Oh, come on, Ethan.
We both know that
"gravity's a bitch" is a terrible line.
You don't see the writer
-raising his hand to complain.
-Uh, guys, could you...
And honestly, even if he did,
he's just a writer.
I can always toss a can of Blab
out the window
and get another one
that will beg for a chance
to rewrite this garbage.
(director) I don't need some diva
D-list action star improvising lines.
I was found in the slums of Thailand,
where I worked as an assassin,
k*lling men with only my pinky.
So if you wanna keep giving me grief,
then, pal, we can end this right now.
(gulps)
(man) And that, ladies and gentlemen,
is what we call acting.
Bam!
Yeah, I... I mean,
"Mime the gap" is pretty clever.
(chuckles nervously)
After all,
filmmaking is about collaboration.
We can make it work.
In fact, I love it. Great idea.
Glad you came around.
Now, don't bother me.
We've got one more day of sh**ting
before Christmas break
and your star needs some "me" time.
Chuck. I thought I said no orange ones.
The dye will k*ll me.
You want me to die, Chuck?
No, Mr. Cage. Of course I don't.
I... I would...
I'd give my life for you, sir.
(Johnny) Oh, I bet he would.
That's Chuck, my assistant.
Fresh off the bus from who-knows-where.
I mean, he told me,
but boring info like that
just slips away, you know?
Good kid.
A little obsessed with yours truly.
But who isn't?
All right, keep up the autographing.
There are some adoring fans
desperate to see my face.
(Brian) Johnny! Johnny!
Oh, man. We are screwed, kid.
(Johnny) Brian Van Jones,
producer extraordinaire.
Good guy.
We've done a few films overseas.
Nothing you'd remember.
But this movie is as much of a break
for him as it is for me.
Is this about the rewrite?
Now, before you get upset,
did you hear the line?
You are gonna love it.
I throw the guy off the train
and I'm like, "Mime"--
No, Johnny, it's Jennifer.
She's gone.
Who's Jennifer?
Oh. My co-star, Jennifer?
Yes, your co-star. The star.
Well, I don't know if she's "the."
Her most important scene
is slated for tomorrow,
-and we can't find her.
-(Chuck groans)
What? Wait.
Are you hitting the booger sugar again,
Brian? Come on.
(scoffs) I wish.
She's not answering her phone,
her assistant's disappeared.
And if we can't get her
on set by tomorrow,
this movie doesn't get finished.
And then we're screwed.
We pre-sold this movie
all over the world on her name.
I've a million dollars
coming from Nigeria.
Nigeria, Johnny.
You know how hard that is
in a country that has three theaters?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean,
we know who the main draw
for this thing is, right?
Yeah, she is.
I don't know what we're gonna do.
Without that scene...
This was my big break, you know?
A red one?
You know red dye will k*ll you, right?
Mr. Cage says that's the orange ones.
No, orange ones are fine.
Red ones will blow out your ass
and melt your stomach.
Everybody knows that.
-I could do--
-Brian, calm down.
I'm on your side here.
Now what if I head over
to Jennifer's house
and show her a little
Johnny Cage charisma?
Really, Johnny? You'd do that?
Oh, come on, man.
There's nothing to worry about.
Johnny Cage has it handled.
(Brian) You're a special guy, Johnny.
(Johnny) In retrospect,
this is where everything went sideways.
See my name
In the bright lights I got the fame
And the film lights, it's my time...
I've finished sending the gifts
requested to your family and friends.
Great.
We're almost to the finish line, Chuck.
After I convince Jennifer
to come back to the set,
we can finally take a break.
And by "we," I mean "me,"
'cause I'll need you
to work through the holiday.
It really is the most
wonderful time of the year.
Indeed, sir.
Though, it's strange to celebrate
Christmas without any snow.
Snow? (scoffs)
You can leave that sh*t
to the suckers on the East Coast.
Me, I like to celebrate
Baby JC's birthday,
same initials, by the way, right here
in sunny SoCal.
Golden sunshine,
blue skies, pretty girls.
-She's still looking?
-Yeah.
-Still?
-Yeah.
Good.
Famous
I'm so famous...
Mr. Cage. Can I ask you a question?
Yes. My hair is real.
No, I can't actually
punch through metal.
And, yes, it's true
what they said about Dolly and I,
but I don't like to talk about it.
No. No, I... I just...
I just want to know how you got so cool.
Good question, Chuck.
And lucky for you, we have a few minutes
for me to regale you on the origins
of the Adonis you see before you.
I was once like you.
Truth is,
I was bullied a lot in school.
You were?
Yeah, I was.
From Paris to Japan
(Johnny) Let's start at the beginning.
(groaning)
(Johnny) Yep, there I am.
Getting my ass handed to me
in gym class.
(cackles) You're gonna cry, little baby?
Aw, little baby's gonna cry.
(bullies laughing)
(Johnny) Well, of course I'm gonna cry,
you pizza-faced assh*le.
You just threw a basketball at my nose.
(laughing)
(Johnny) My mom tried calling
the principal, the teachers.
They all said the same thing.
"Boys will be boys.
Things will get better."
But they didn't.
It got worse.
-(wincing)
-(bullies laughing)
(whimpering)
(laughter)
(young Johnny whimpering)
(toilet flushing)
(Johnny) My mom, a saint among saints.
The person who always said
fighting was for Neanderthals,
had had enough.
She took me to the local dojo...
...one of those strip mall places
you've seen a dozen times.
This wasn't some sort of fly-by-night,
black-belt-for-money joint.
This was the real deal.
That's when I met Master Boyd.
And my life changed forever.
("Rise To The Top"
by Kevan Gallagher playing)
Fed by love and good desire
A will of steel take you even higher
Bad memories that howl my name
That ember soon became a scorching flame
I'm coming back to rise again
I feel this will be the best of me
Nothing can slow me down
Or make me stop
'Cause nothing can stand in my way
I'm coming back to rise again
I feel this will be the best of me
Nothing can slow me down
Or make me stop
'Cause nothing can stand in my way
I'm gonna rise to the top
(Johnny) I had learned a lot
in a short time,
but the greatest lesson
wasn't about how to kick or punch.
It was something else.
(grunts)
(bully) Oh, look at that.
Little Johnny finally learned
how to move out of the way.
Where do you think
you're going, Carlton?
We're not through talking to you yet.
(Johnny) All those people that said
being bullied is a part of life,
that it'll get better,
they're full of sh*t.
The truth is, it only gets better
when you fight back.
(bully growls)
(gasps)
(screaming)
(wailing)
(Johnny) Yeah, I got in trouble,
but it was worth it.
Therein lies the lesson.
Weak people bully.
But the minute you push back,
they fold like a hideaway bed.
After that,
I poured myself into martial arts.
My master said I was special,
taught me everything he knew.
But that wasn't enough.
I traveled everywhere.
I have so many miles now.
Learning from the greatest
martial arts masters around the planet.
Hapkido, kendo, savate.
I pronounced all of those correctly.
But eventually, all roads led here.
To beautiful, sunny California.
Stop! Thief! Stop him!
(thief groans)
Kid, this is your lucky day.
(upbeat pop song playing on stereo)
So, Chuck, what'd you learn
from that well-told
and incredibly inspirational story?
It's important to develop
your inner strength
to help those in need.
And become a hero
to the world around you.
No.
Kick first, be awesome, make money.
Here, I'll make it simple for you.
Write this down. W-W-J-C-D.
What would Johnny Cage do?
What would Johnny Cage do?
I just said that.
You're gonna be okay, Chuck.
And we're here.
Under neon lights, it's paradise
And this is your time
So keep on dancing
-Dancing through the night...
-(buzzing)
I'm sorry, Mr. Cage.
I know how important
Ninja Mime is to your career.
Maybe... Maybe she's left town.
-(engine and stereo turn off)
-Just because she didn't answer,
doesn't mean she's not there.
I'll just hop the fence,
take a look-see.
Oh! Uh...
Do me a favor, Chuck.
Go down the hill and get my ride washed.
Maybe I should stay
for a few minutes until--
Listen, Chuck,
conversations with the ladies
tend to go on longer than a few minutes.
Get me?
No. No, I don't.
Anyway, make sure
you get the wheels done.
And don't scratch it.
I'm counting on you, Chuck.
-(engine starting)
-(tires screeching)
I got it!
(crashing)
Oh, the things I do for fame.
Jennifer!
Ugh! I've seen some dumps in my time,
but, wow.
You think she'd have
a little more self-respect.
I mean, hire a housekeeper.
Way to turn the libido down to one.
(women moaning, grunting)
(grunting continues)
Yoo-hoo! Everyone decent?
-(women groaning)
-(blades swishing)
(objects clattering)
(women grunting)
(grunting)
We should've k*lled you
when we had the chance, Ashrah.
Yes, Kia. You should have.
(grunting)
(both grunting)
(both straining)
Ladies. Ladies, I'm not sure
what's going on here,
but I'm looking for Jennifer.
Now I'd be happy to give this back if--
-(growls)
-Oh, sh*t!
(Johnny groaning) f*ck.
(Johnny) Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay!
Sorry.
(Johnny groaning)
Okay. Please just let me...
f*ck! f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck...
(Kia laughing)
(grunting)
Whoa! Slow down.
(grunts)
(Johnny) Hmm?
(both grunting)
(groans)
Wow.
Obviously, this is turning us both on.
Can you feel that?
But I don't have time.
I'm looking for Jennifer.
Do you know where she is?
(Johnny) Get back here, Frisbee Hat.
Okay, wait for me!
I said, wait!
(groaning)
(device beeping)
Is that a...
Oh, sh*t.
-(screaming)
-(expl*si*n)
(gasping)
(Johnny) I'd like to say that
I'm about to chase after them
because I'm concerned about Jennifer,
and not about getting a movie finished.
Ah, sh*t!
And that's sort of true.
Jennifer's well-being
is critical to the film,
so, in reality,
I am worried about her,
which makes me less of a jerk
than we're all probably thinking I am.
f*ck.
Phew! Glad we got that figured out.
Oh, man.
I hope I don't get blamed for this.
(upbeat rock song playing)
(whistling along)
(man yelps)
(song continues)
(gasps)
(groans)
(Johnny) Slow down!
Stop! Please!
(man) Hey, come back here with my car!
(man grunts)
(engine revs)
-Are you kidding me, you jerk!
-(indistinct shouting)
Oh, come on.
(over speakers) And over here
we have the home of Jennifer,
world-famous actress.
Oh, smells like she's having
a backyard barbecue of some sort.
I'm sorry, sir. This is a private tour.
I need you to follow that bike.
Sir... Wait. Do I know you?
Of course you do. I'm Johnny Cage,
action star extraordinaire.
Action?
Hmm. Yeah. Actually,
I'm really more into dramas.
Yeah, well, needless to say,
I have connections.
And if you catch that bike,
I'll read your script.
How'd you know I'm a writer?
Everyone's a writer in this town, baby.
Now move!
-(song continues)
-(exhales)
-(microphone feedback ringing)
-Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
So glad you could join us on the tour.
If you look off to your left,
you'll see my good friend Tom's chateau.
Yes, it's true. He does his own stunts.
But it's because
he doesn't have much to live for.
And over there I found out
girls really do just wanna have fun
with that quirky pop star
you all know and love.
(grunting)
(both grunt)
(tires squealing)
Tell my sister hello.
(grunting)
We'll find you, Ashrah.
And when we do...
(screaming)
Ugh, freaking pigeons.
There she is.
All right, team, get me closer.
Um, are you sure that's a good idea?
I've seen my stunt doubles
do this half a dozen times.
How hard could it be?
(song continues)
(Johnny) Turns out, really hard.
Whoa!
Ahhh! Now who'll read my spec?
What?
I'm alive.
-Chuck!
-Mr. Cage,
I saw you jump on the bus,
so I thought I'd follow and--
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't need
the play-by-play. Get me to that car.
Yes, sir.
(engine accelerating)
(grunts)
Signal.
(grunts)
Miss me?
Are you always so aggressive?
(both grunting)
(Johnny groans) Okay.
Just tell me where Jennifer is,
then you can have your dumb scroll.
I don't know.
Now give it to me.
Well, it's been real... bad.
It's been really bad. Later, babe.
(gasps)
Okay. Drive this... (groans)
(traffic cones thudding)
(grunting)
-(straining)
-(thudding continues)
-(grunts)
-(car door crashing)
Great.
You know, you're a real bitch.
Whoa!
(gasps)
-(man) Hey.
-(dance music playing on speakers)
Ladies, what do you think
about the pool?
Brand new.
(women laughing)
Are you okay?
Better than okay. Look what I have.
What is it?
No idea.
But if those kung fu b*tches
were willing to blow up a house
and try to k*ll me,
it has to be important. Pull over.
It's literally a star map.
And what's this on the back?
It looks Greek to me.
You should leave the jokes to me, son.
No, I'm being serious. That's Greek.
You know Greek?
Remember when you starred
in that film Gist of my Fist?
That one producer?
Well, he sent me everything
over in Greek.
-I had to translate it for your lawyer.
-Huh.
So, what does it say?
No idea.
But I have a Greek dictionary
back at home.
We can go by and pick it up.
Oh! Maybe you can finally
autograph my poster of--
Shut up. Well, whatever it is,
it's the reason
that Jennifer is missing.
Which means
there's only one thing left to do.
-Recast Jennifer.
-Go to the police.
I mean, go to the police.
Right. Yes. That's the smart move.
Come on.
(Ashrah) I've failed you, Master.
I've lost the scroll.
Kia was there.
And another.
A most formidable warrior.
(man) Warrior?
Yes. He had a strong jaw.
If I were of this world,
I would say... handsome.
If not for his determined spirit
and distracting smell,
I would have the scroll,
and the forces of darkness
would never have had a chance to escape.
(man) You still have time, Ashrah.
The longest night is yet to come.
I will not fail you again...
Lord Raiden.
I do not doubt it.
And neither should you.
Ashrah.
What is the name of this warrior?
He is called Johnny Cage.
Hmm.
Go. Retrieve the map and see
if you can enlist this warrior's help.
But Master, I can--
A cord of many strands
is not so easily broken.
Besides, there may be more
to this Johnny Cage than meets the eye.
(electricity crackling)
(pop song playing on car stereo)
(cell phone ringing)
Chuckie, grab that, would you?
Johnny Cage's car. How can I help you?
Give me that.
You're in the Cage with Johnny.
(David) Johnny, it's your f*cking
beloved agent, Dave.
I need you to swing by
the f*cking office right f*cking now.
Calm down, Dave. I would love to.
But I'm kind of in the middle
of saving my movie.
-Jennifer has gone missing--
-(David) Johnny!
I don't care if you're trying
to save a f*cking orphanage
from closing on f*cking Christmas.
-(Johnny mouthing)
-I just got the biggest f*cking offer
of your career.
-(laughing)
-(bleep) ...wants you
for his next f*cking picture.
(Johnny) Yeah. That (bleep).
Why the hell is that being bleeped?
Legal? All right. Fine, fine.
Everyone knows
who I'm talking about anyway, right?
I mean, he did (bleep) and (bleep).
sh*t, seriously?
Okay, this... director... (exhales)
has the Midas touch.
One year, he'll make an adventure flick
that makes a bazillion dollars,
and the next, a dramatic picture
that wins all the awards.
So for now,
we'll call him "The Big Man,"
so legal doesn't ride my ass.
Are you all right with that, lawyers?
Point is, (bleep) can wait.
I'll be right over.
-(tires screeching)
-Ahhh!
(song continues)
Heart att*ck, heart att*ck
There's no going back
Heart att*ck
(engine and stereo turn off)
Mr. Cage, Mr. Doubldy is expecting you.
(muzak playing faintly)
Stay out here, kid.
I'll only be a minute.
Ah! Like with Jennifer?
Um, no. Weirdo.
(sighs in exasperation)
(keyboard clacking)
(clacking stops)
-(clacking resumes)
-(whistling)
What would Johnny Cage do?
(whistles)
Hi. My name is... (groans)
(sighs, resumes typing)
(paper rustling)
(Johnny) My foul-mouthed agent,
David Doubldy.
Or rather, David f*ckin' Doubldy,
as he likes to call himself.
Recognize him?
He's the guy from Venice Beach,
the one that had his wallet lifted.
Turns out, he was
one of LA's biggest agents,
and after my fancy footwork,
he took me on.
He's been looking after me ever since.
f*ckin' superheroes!
Superheroes?
Only nerds like that stuff.
And the Big Man.
And if the Big Man says
you're playing a turtle in a thong,
you better tuck those f*cking jewels
and get ready for a wedgie.
I do look good in a thong.
When does it start sh**ting?
Beginning of the year.
Well, merry Christmas to me.
Great. I can't wait.
Don't I always take care of you, kid?
Always. I mean, f*cking always.
One more thing.
Oh, is this about the ad lib?
Ugh, I can't believe
that director snitched.
Okay, you tell him--
No. No, it's nothing like that.
Then what?
I heard you were at Jennifer's earlier.
How did you hear--
I'm your f*cking agent.
It's my job to know where you are.
Thing is, there was
this, uh, piece of paper, sort of like
a scroll.
Yeah, we were just
about to take it to the police.
David, it was crazy.
There was this babe in a toga
trying to k*ll me.
Jennifer's place was bombed.
They're calling it a gas leak.
A gas leak? No, Dave.
Jennifer's missing.
She could be kidnapped, hurt.
The scroll thing's probably
the only lead we have to finding her,
-so I'm going to the police and--
-(shushing)
Johnny, you don't need
to worry about Jennifer.
She's fine.
What I need you to worry about
is giving me the scroll.
Okay?
What's going on?
Why do you want the scroll so much?
(sighing)
Okay, I was going to wait on this,
but I belong to a club.
Real prestigious sh*t.
Like the Academy?
Eh, less ass-kissy.
This club has its fingers
everywhere in this town.
You become part of this club,
you'll always have work
and you'll be the superstar
you always wanted to be.
Sounds great. What's the catch?
No catch. We...
I want you to be part of it.
We're going to have
a whole induction ceremony
at the Magical Mansion tonight,
and all you need to do is show up,
with those expensive veneers and...
give me the scroll.
What about Ninja Mime?
You told me, and I quote,
"This movie will make you
f*cking A-list."
(slams table) Are you f*cking deaf?
Stop thinking about Ninja f*cking Mime
and start thinking about
the Big Man's movie.
Think about tights and f*cking capes.
I told you, Ninja Mime is already done.
And if you don't give me that scroll
right f*cking now,
so are you.
(Johnny) What did he say?
What did you say?
You heard me.
I made you.
Without me, you'd still be working
at f*cking Blockbuster,
yelling at customers about late fees.
Now, quit being a big baby
and give me that f*cking scroll!
(Johnny) If I was a well-adjusted man,
someone who wasn't picked on as a kid,
who didn't have
a distinct problem with authority
and didn't hate, hate bullies,
I probably would've handled
the next bit better.
You made me?
Listen, assh*le.
You don't do sh*t for me.
Sitting on your ass while I'm out there
getting thrown through windows,
paparazzi chasing me into the john.
Ninja Mime is my best work,
and you better pray it does well.
Because that's the last cent
you're ever gonna get from me.
You're fired!
(g*n cocks)
I was hoping to do this the easy way.
Give me the f*cking scroll!
Sure. Here.
Spin kick! I call out my own moves.
I don't need a g*n
to take care of a bitch like you.
(both grunting)
Some more of this.
Ponytails are dumb.
(Johnny straining)
And the award goes to... your face!
(David groaning)
(David grunting)
(chuckles)
You don't know what you're doing.
-What the hell?
-(growls)
We f*cking run this town,
and you're as good as dead.
(grunting)
Ya hear me? Dead!
Yeah?
Well, you're totally not worth 10%.
(muzak playing)
(glass shattering)
(David screaming)
(gurgling)
(screaming, gasping)
-Oh, oh, is...
-(elevator dings)
-Is he... Is he...
-(gurgling continues)
Is he dead?
I'm sure he's fine.
(David groaning)
(shrieking, wheezing)
See? He's fine. Chuck, get the car.
Where is Kia?
She was k*lled.
By a member of the White Lotus.
What of the scroll and the chosen one?
Gone.
Then I'll leave it up to you
to find him,
Jataaka.
Retrieve the map and the chosen one.
For the Shadow.
For the Shadow.
So?
I guess "protect and serve"
doesn't apply
to celebrities on the verge of success.
Something weird is going on, Chuck.
We're gonna have
to figure this out ourselves.
Okay. What... What do we do next?
"Party like it's 1999."
It's a song, by... Forget it.
(upbeat R and B music playing)
(Johnny) Magical Mansion. Invite-only.
I've never been because, well...
...after the SWAT incident
with the birthday magician,
I was kind of blackballed
by every so-called magician in town.
Forever.
(Chuck, over earpiece) Are you sure
it's okay we're using the sound van?
-(earpiece beeps)
-Sound department loves me.
I'm sure they're fine
with helping out the star of Ninja Mime.
How goes it on the scroll front?
-It goes.
-Hurry. I'm about to head in.
If something goes wrong, call the army.
Or better yet, call the actor's union.
They're way tougher.
Name?
Cage. Johnny Cage.
Um... I'm sorry. You aren't on the list.
But, I mean, I should be. Right?
Sir, the Magical Mansion
is a members-only establishment.
Unless you're a member
or here as a guest,
which according to my notes,
you will never be,
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Oh, come on. It was an honest mistake.
(Jataaka) Wait. He's a guest of mine.
(Johnny) I've been around
a lot of beautiful women.
She might take the cake.
Her legs were as long and curvy
as Mulholland Drive.
And probably just as dangerous.
My cousin was k*lled up there.
Where have you been my entire life?
Getting ready for you, darling.
Shall we?
Don't we make a fetching couple?
After you.
(piano playing cheerful music)
(audience gasping)
(cheerful music continues)
-(audience applauding)
-(woman chuckles)
So, Mr. Cage,
what brings you to our little club?
My agent told me
I should come check it out.
Said he wanted me to join.
And who is your agent?
(Johnny) sh*t. Walked right into that.
Uh, his name is Dominic Boon.
Uh, do you know him?
No, I'm not familiar.
(Johnny) And Johnny Cage with the save!
But if you would like to be a member,
then you deserve... a private tour.
Anything you'd like to do in private
sounds good to me.
Please, lead the way.
So cool.
-(Chuck) Johnny? You're breaking up.
-(static crackling)
Uh, is this a basement?
Are we right underneath the mansion?
Why, if anything happened down here,
how would the police know where to look?
(Jataaka chuckles) They wouldn't.
Part of the membership grants you access
to the old subway tunnels
that used to crisscross Los Angeles.
(Chuck) Johnny, I'm...
-I'm trying to figure out where you are.
-(wheels screech)
-(static crackling)
-You're breaking up.
I can't... I can't hear anything.
-(man screaming)
-(woman laughing)
So, about this initiation.
-I don't have to, you know...
-(whip cracking)
...do something weird, do I?
Define "weird."
I don't know. Drink human blood?
(chuckles) No.
You don't have to drink blood.
But you do need a member
to stand up for you.
Which I'd be happy to do.
(Johnny) I wonder if she'd be willing
to lay down for me too.
Chica-bow-wicca-bow
wicca-bow-bow.
Sorry. I even do the p*rn music
in my voice-overs.
Come. We aren't far.
(voices chanting indistinctly)
Are you scared, Mr. Cage?
Pfft! No,
Johnny Cage doesn't get scared.
I peed myself.
But you know, I'm not a big fan
of the dark or being underground.
What if there's an earthquake?
Maybe... maybe we should just
head back upstairs. What do you say?
(Johnny moans, shudders)
You don't know what glories await you
a little further ahead.
Well, sh*t. That's not fair.
(Ashrah) Hyah!
-You!
-You!
Me.
(grunts)
You need to stop hitting people.
(sword unsheathing)
What the f*ck!
Come on.
What was that? I mean,
she was hot, but energy beams?
What the hell is going on?
Her name is Jataaka.
One of three assassins
from the Brotherhood of Shadow.
They are intent on raising their god
in order to destroy the world.
Yeah, great. Everything you just said
doesn't make sense,
including the part about a woman
in something called the Brotherhood.
This is all a bit much.
I was just looking for my co-star, okay?
Whatever weird sci-fi thing
you guys got going on down here
has nothing to do with me.
Agreed.
But as long as you
have the scroll, Johnny Cage--
Oh, you're a fan.
Where is the scroll?
Oh. Uh, Chuck has it.
Then we must get to this Chuck.
(both panting)
So once you get the scroll,
they'll leave me alone, right?
What other purpose
would they have for you?
-Chuck, you there?
-(Chuck) Johnny!
I just called the union,
but they said something about dues owed
and that they can't help you
because you're late--
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Never mind.
I'm at the NOHO sign.
I need you to come get me
as quick as possible.
(expl*si*n)
You will be punished
for your betrayal, Ashrah.
-Enough!
-(Johnny) Oh, sh*t!
(Jataaka) Ashrah has decided her fate.
But you, Johnny, you are special.
We need you for the Brotherhood.
Join us
and all your dreams will come true.
Oh, no, this club sounds great.
Where do I sign?
-f*ck you!
-(vehicle approaching)
(honking)
(screaming)
(screaming)
Two years on the job,
and he's never been late.
You okay?
Well, I just found out an evil cult
is trying to raise a god in Los Angeles.
So all things considered, I'm all right.
Oh, hi. My name is--
No time for names, Chuck.
Tell me you've translated the scroll.
Most of it.
On one side is a map.
-To what?
-Los Angeles.
This is the stadium,
the Tar Pits, Observatory.
And if you connect the dots, it's...
So, this entire city
is run by Satanists?
Oh, makes sense.
Not Satanists.
Disciples of Shinnok.
Shinnok?
Quite a name. Let me guess.
The mad god you were talking about?
(Ashrah) Yes.
He is the ruler of Netherrealm,
and calls for the destruction
of all things.
Well, sounds pretty Satan-y to me.
There. What's in the center?
(Chuck) That's Dan's world-famous
Oriental Theater.
Oh, yes. Dan's world-famous
Oriental Theater.
Everybody knows that,
but I don't get it.
What do they want with the theater?
I mean, this Shinnok,
is he looking to
put his horn prints in cement?
That's where they will
open the gate to Netherrealm.
She's right.
The Greek on the back,
okay, it's actually a spell.
It says that in order to open the gate,
they need what they call...
"special" blood.
Or... the blood of a god.
Is that why Jennifer is missing?
I mean, she's good,
but, well, I wouldn't call her a god.
No matter.
As long as we have the spell,
she is safe.
We must retreat to our temple
and fend off any att*ck to--
Retreat? Lady, I'm American.
I don't even know the word.
I mean, I know it, but you know...
You know what I'm trying to say.
-(shrieking)
-Whoa!
-(Johnny) Ew!
-Ahhh!
-Did you see that?
-Yes!
She just jumped out
and I spin-kicked her head off.
(hesitating) I know.
Oh, man, my therapy bill
-is gonna be through the roof.
-(Chuck retching)
-You okay, Chuck?
-This v*olence is out of control.
Tell me about it.
What are you doing?
Burning the paper.
No spell, no Armageddon.
And if there's no chance of Armageddon,
they'll let Jennifer go.
And we will be back on set
before call time.
-(m*ssile whooshing)
-(all groaning)
Jennifer?
Hi, Johnny.
Looks like you found me.
(groans)
(straining)
Well, not the first time
I've woken up like this.
(Jennifer) Merry Christmas, sleepyhead.
It's about time you woke up.
Jennifer? Jennifer!
We gotta get the f*ck out of here.
These crazy cultists
want to sacrifice you
for some demon thing.
Hurry, untie me
before they get back, so--
(Jennifer shushing)
Oh, Johnny. Why would we do that?
-(yelps)
-Because I've got you
right where I've wanted you
the entire time.
(wincing)
Come again?
You still don't get it, do you?
I'm starting to. You're bat-sh*t crazy.
(laughs)
Maybe.
But they say that about my god.
So, I'm in good company.
Jennifer, come on.
You can't be throwing
your career away on some cult.
This cult is why I have a career.
The Brotherhood sent us here years ago,
but me and some others were lost.
Cut off from our realm.
We've searched for decades
for a way back.
But then, we found the scroll
and it showed us
how to bring our god here,
to Earthrealm.
We scoured the Earth for the elements.
A Holy Kriss, a sacred chalice...
-(straining)
-...and the blood of someone special.
You, Johnny Cage,
have the blood of gods.
You're the one we've waited for.
You're the key
to opening a portal for my king.
Well, I'm flattered, Jennifer, but I--
No.
No need to call me by that name anymore.
Please, call me Sareena.
The only thing I'm gonna call you
is a f*cking lunatic.
Why don't you let me go? Now!
We weren't sure
you were the one at first.
It seemed impossible
that someone so stupid
could be so critical to our mission.
It's been fun, watching you
blindly do what we wanted.
From David taking you on as a client
to being my co-star on Ninja Mime.
(laughs) Even when Brian tricked you
into going to my house.
Brian is in on it too?
f*ck Brian.
Everyone is.
Soon, our god will arrive,
and we will rule by his side.
And all it costs is a couple
of human sacrifices here and there?
Consider yourself lucky
to be part of the coming of Shinnok.
-Oh, yeah, real lucky.
-(claps)
Come on, Jennifer. Don't do this!
Do this?
It's already done.
(groans)
(grunts)
Where are we? Where's Johnny?
That hack?
He's about to have
another starring role.
His last, in fact.
Tell me where your master is.
(grunts)
I'm sure Shinnok
would like a word with him
when he arrives in Earthrealm.
Stop it!
(grunting)
You're a strong one.
But what about him?
Leave him alone. He is only a boy.
There was a time in which you would
have eaten this boy limb from limb.
(chuckles) Hasn't she told you?
That thing you think is human
is a demon from Netherrealm.
A demon just like me.
-(chuckles maliciously)
-(Chuck whimpers)
I am nothing like you.
She pretends.
On a quest to find redemption,
which is your weakness.
You can't stand
the suffering of the innocent.
It's why I became a director.
Now, Ashrah. Tell me, where is Raiden?
You think you can intimidate me?
I'm an assistant.
I get tortured for money!
(grunts, groans)
What would Johnny Cage do?
(groans)
(neck snapping)
Is he dead?
Yes.
Aw, man. Ninja Mime is totally
not happening now he's... (sighs) Geez.
(straining)
Ahhh!
I am impressed.
You have a warrior's heart.
(yelps)
Mr. Cage always told me,
if I get in a sticky situation,
to think about what he would do.
But since I didn't have time
to exfoliate,
I thought that was the next best thing.
I don't know what you're saying,
but I do know he is your hero.
So, Chuck Golden,
let's save your hero before he dies.
Yeah. Uh, but...
Is it true what he said?
You're not human?
No, I am not. But I'm working on it.
-(gong thumping)
-(cultists chanting indistinctly)
Brothers, sisters.
It is time that we give back to our god
for that which he has given to us.
We, the privileged,
the wealthy, the beautiful.
All given to us
so that we may live in this moment.
So that we can bring about
his power on Earth.
Bring in the chosen one.
Get your hands off me.
This is bullshit.
I don't care who you are.
When I get out of here,
I'm gonna sue the pants off you.
They're not wearing pants.
The robes, the stupid robes, I mean.
(cultists chanting)
Shadam, Shanee, Shinnok.
Shadam, Shanee, Shinnok.
Shadam, Shanee, Shinnok.
Shadam, Shanee, Shinnok.
Oh, look! The three not-so-wise ones.
Gag him.
(chanting continues) Shinnok.
-(groans)
-Shadam.
Screw you!
(muffled) The spell's not working.
I can tell how old you are.
(cultists chanting) Shinnok. Shadam.
So, what do we do?
I will get closer to try to free Johnny.
You must provide a distraction.
A distraction?
(hesitates)
What... what type of distraction? I...
Remember...
What would Johnny Cage do?
What would Johnny Cage do?
What would Johnny Cage do?
(chanting continues)
(Jennifer) With this cut,
let the blood flow
that will open a gateway for our god!
(muffled groans) f*ck you!
Please make it stop!
(chanting intensifies)
Shinnok, Shadam, Shanee.
Shinnok, Shadam, Shanee,
Shinnok,
Shadam,
Shanee.
It's working.
It's working.
It's working!
(chanting intensifies)
Shanee! Shinnok!
Shanee! Shinnok!
(cultists gasping)
Don't worry, Johnny.
You'll always be immortal...
in the movies.
(Chuck) Hey!
Who dares?
(Johnny, muffled) Chuck?
My name is Chuck Golden,
and I'm the best damn assistant in town.
(ululating yell)
(groaning) Ow!
(muffled) Oh, f*ck.
Sorry, Mr. Cage.
(Jennifer chuckles)
Yes. Sorry, Mr. Cage.
No one is coming to save you now.
(Johnny, muffled) I wouldn't say that.
What?
(muffled) I said, I wouldn't say that.
(sighs in exasperation)
What are you saying?
I said, "Go f*ck yourself."
(Jennifer groans)
(groaning)
(groans)
(man groaning)
Oh, come on!
It's too late, sister.
The Gateway is opening.
Sister?
You're telling me you're a...
A demon, yes.
Oh, that's hot.
(low growling, squelching)
(distorted voices whispering)
(woman) No! No, no, no. No, no, no.
(cultists clamoring)
(electricity crackling)
(clamoring continues)
(exhales)
(cultists chanting softly)
Sareena.
I thought you were lost to us.
I was.
But now, I am found.
Indeed.
Where have you brought me, my child?
The jewel of all places.
Earthrealm, my Majesty.
Earthrealm.
(laughs)
I have longed to feast
on the bones of its denizens.
You have done well, my child.
And for that, you will be rewarded.
(Ashrah) It's over.
He's won.
He hasn't won sh*t, not yet.
He is a god, and we are--
Earth's best chance of survival.
Listen, Ashrah.
That guy is just another
in a long line of bullies,
and the minute you push back
against a bully...
They fold like a hideaway bed.
Always.
You wanna be human?
Well, never giving up
is part of our DNA, okay?
That and male-pattern baldness.
Thank God I didn't get that.
Now think.
There has to be some way
to get rid of this guy.
I don't know.
(Chuck) I might.
If we can get him back to the rift,
and I can say the spell,
it should close,
trapping him wherever that leads.
Nah, that's a stupid idea.
I'm kidding. That's terrific.
Okay, Ashrah, can you get the scroll?
Yes. And what about you?
I'm gonna do
what action stars always do.
Get a huge trailer and save the day.
Earthrealm.
Finally.
I have come to mete out
your destruction.
Bow before me.
Celebrate my arrival.
(Johnny) Hey, even whiter David Bowie!
There's only one god
we're celebrating today,
and it sure as hell ain't you.
(grunts)
Oh, sh*t.
(Christmas music playing over speakers)
(camera shutter clicks)
-(rumbling)
-(people gasping, murmuring)
(grunts)
-(man 1) What happened?
-(man 2) You all right, buddy?
(people murmuring)
(people gasping)
People of Earthrealm.
I, Shinnok, your new god, am here...
to destroy you.
(people screaming)
Sorry about that.
I don't mind. (chuckles)
Neither do I.
All right, ugly.
Time to show you
how rough this town can get.
(both grunting)
(growling)
Hey, man.
I think that just pissed it off.
Oh, ya think?
(both grunting)
Chuck!
The scroll!
Give me the scroll, boy.
(whimpers, screams)
(Johnny) I'll admit, it is not looking
great for the Ninja Mime sequel.
(screaming)
(groans softly)
Oh, I feel like you look.
But, hey, at least we're alive, right?
Don't answer that.
(laughing)
What was that?
-(Brian) Come on, Chuck. Come out.
-(both grunting)
Join us.
I know you really just wanna be
a star like Johnny.
I can make that happen.
Just give me the scroll.
(Chuck whimpers)
I lied.
I'm gonna k*ll you.
Slowly.
Now, give me the scroll.
Sure.
Ah! I have it.
Huh?
(Brian screaming)
(exhales)
(laughs hysterically, sighs)
Your quest to become human
has made you weak.
There is nothing you can do
to defeat me.
I wouldn't say "nothing."
You call them weak because they dream.
They care.
They never give up.
That is not weakness, sister.
That is their strength. My strength.
Come, let me show you.
(grunts)
(groans)
(both grunting)
Unlike you, I am at home in my form.
I do not need to disguise myself
any further!
(roaring)
(Ashrah grunts)
(grunts, groans)
Your feeble attempt to stop me
is amusing.
But I must be
about the end of the world.
(crackling)
Come, demons.
(Shinnok) Come and eat your fill.
(liquid bubbling)
(Ashrah grunts)
Goodbye, Sister.
(Chuck) Ashrah!
(shrieking)
Goodbye.
Thank you, Chuck.
Now we must go help Johnny.
We might have bigger problems than that.
(demons snarling, growling)
-(boy) Mr... Mr. Cage? Mr. Cage!
-(groaning)
Mr. Cage, you have to get up.
This is the part of the movie
where you make your comeback.
(Johnny) He thinks
I'm something I'm not.
Some sort of hero,
rather than a guy who can kick high,
hit his mark and...
look spectacular all the time.
Well, kid, you're out of luck.
Johnny Cage isn't a hero.
He's nobody... special.
(Master Boyd) You're special, Johnny.
You are special.
(Brian) You're a special guy, Johnny.
"Special" blood.
The blood of gods.
(Johnny) They're right.
They were all right.
-I am special.
-("I'm A Survivor" by 5 Alarm playing)
And I'm gonna do what I've always done.
Shove my special foot
down this bully's throat.
-(bones cracking)
-I'm the last man standing...
(Johnny) Hey, pal!
This is the city of angels.
No devils allowed.
It's a wonder that I'm still alive
(grunting)
I'm a survivor...
Come on, man. Is that all you got?
I'm a survivor
(Shinnok yelps, groans)
Well, look at that.
Even demons have balls.
f*ck him up, Johnny!
Challenge before me, yeah
(people chanting) Johnny! Johnny!
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny!
(Johnny) Am I getting a slow clap?
I'm getting a slow clap.
Johnny! Johnny!
Kick his ass, Cage!
(chanting continues)
Johnny! Johnny!
(man) Yeah!
Impossible.
(grunts angrily)
Get him, Johnny!
Yeah!
(groaning)
(Johnny) Eat it!
You fool! You may have power,
but I am a god.
There! No, there!
(demons groaning)
They're coming out too fast!
I will enjoy eating your bones.
-(groans)
-(Shinnok chuckles)
(grunts)
(grunts)
Hey! Leave him alone.
-(woman 1) Yeah.
-(woman 2) Come on, leave him alone.
(people shouting indistinctly)
Any last words, Earthrealmer?
(groaning, choking)
Yeah, if I might.
(Shinnok groans)
(screams)
Gravity's a bitch.
(screaming)
Chuck, now!
(reading in Greek)
Close this door, forevermore!
Close this door, forevermore!
(roaring)
(demons screaming)
Better safe than sorry.
(crowd cheering)
(Chuck groaning)
Chuck, you did it.
You're the best damn assistant there is.
No. We did it, Mr. Cage.
A cord of many strands
is not easily broken.
(cheering continues)
Well, would you look at that?
You got your white Christmas
after all, Chuck.
And you... You were incredible.
As were you, Johnny Cage.
You have shown me
what it truly means to be human.
If I had not made my vows,
I would take you as a mate.
Well, we can work on that later.
But for now...
(Johnny) You know what?
When you save the world from a dark god,
you don't have to kiss
the kick-ass demon fighter.
But for me... I kind of do.
Chuck followed in my footsteps.
He took the "what would Johnny Cage do"
to the extreme
and signed up for some
martial arts lessons at a strip mall.
This wasn't a good one.
Eventually, he put on this funny suit
with all these glowing balls
and became my double
on a bunch of video games.
He called himself "Mokap."
Didn't make any sense to me.
And the games, well, they were banned
due to excessive v*olence.
-(Scorpion) Come here.
-(man) Toasty!
(Johnny) Ashrah took off.
She said she had to continue
her quest to become holy.
Being by my side
made that a little harder.
Can't say I blame her.
I can hardly control myself around me.
And me?
Well, we made Ninja Mime and a sequel.
And another one after that.
In fact, my career was going
pretty great there for a while.
But with every hill,
there's always a valley.
That's life.
The biggest bully of all.
-(seagulls squawking)
-(waves crashing)
(clicking)
(camera shutter clicking)
Oh, Johnny Cage. Johnny Cage.
Where are you headed?
Off to sh**t a new film
on some remote island.
Beautiful scenery, beautiful babes.
I have a good feeling about this one.
Is this your comeback?
Comeback? (chuckles softly)
Lady...
I've never left.
("I'm A Survivor" by 5 Alarm playing)
(camera shutter clicking)
I'm the last man standing
Walking through the night
Basking in the power and glory
Competitors bested
Challenges met
It's a wonder that I'm still alive
I'm a survivor
When it's down to the wire
I'm a survivor
Believe it when I tell you
I am but a man
Rising to the challenge before me, yeah
No chance of stopping
Get out of my way
Throwing all my fears aside
I'm a survivor
Yeah, my will is on fire
I'm a survivor
(guitar solo playing)
My will is on fire
I'm a survivor
You fuel my desire
And I'm a survivor
Yeah, my will is on fire
I'm a survivor
When it's down to the wire
I'm a survivor
I'm a survivor
I'm a survivor
Mortal Kombat Legends: Cage Match (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3