05x04 - Faith Evans

[bunniefuu]

That's why you don't give scissors to a kangaroo, danny.

I said I was sorry.

Well, I guess you learned your lesson.

Hey! What's going on in here?

What? Oh!

That lamp looks loose.

It's not the lamp, man! Everything's in black and white.

Oh, yeah!

But that lamp is loose.

I can't believe some fool gave scissors to a kangaroo.

I know.

Hey!

Where'd all the color go?

Whoa, everything's in black and white!

A-and that lamp is loose.

Will you forget about the lamp!

Man, this is serious. We can't do the show like this!

Minutes. Approximately min--hey!

What's with all the black and white over here?

We don't know. It was like this when we got here.

Cut it out. Change it back!

But we don't know how.

What are we gonna to do?

Don't all y'all look at me. I'm no rocket scientist.

I'm a rocket scientist.

Great! Can you help us?

Yes, I can. I'm a rocket scientist.

According to my rocket scientific calculations,

I have determined that...

You forgot to turn on the color.

Everyone: oh!

I'll get it!

Thank you, rocket scientist.

No problem.

Hey, can you, uh, do something about a loose lamp?

Can you do something about danny?

Hey, I'm a rocket scientist, not a brain surgeon.

Well, I knew that switch was there the whole time.

If someone would have just asked me--

Look.

Look, I toldyou that lamp was loose!

What do you know? Danny was right.

Mm-hmm!

What do you say we go do the show... In color!

Great!

Captioning made possible by nickelodeon and u.s. Department of education

Fresh out the box.

Stop, look, and watch.

Ready yet? Get set.

It'sall that.

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪

♪ Check it, check it

♪ Now, this is just an introduction ♪

♪ Before we blow your mind ♪

♪ The show is all of that ♪

♪ And yes, we do it all the time ♪

♪ So sit your booty on the floor ♪

♪ Or in a chair

♪ On the ground or in the air ♪

♪ Just don't go nowhere

♪ 'Cause everything we do

♪ Is all of that

♪ When entertaining you

♪ We're all of that

♪ My posse and my crew

♪ Is all of that

♪ So sit still

♪ 'Cause we're comin' right back ♪

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪

♪ Check it out

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪

Announcer: live, from here!

It's time for a game show.

It's called you can't win.

And now here's your host,

Jerry futile!

Hi, that's right. I am jerry futile, and welcome to

You...can't...win!

That's right. The only game show that you can't win.

So now let's meet our contestants

Who aren't going to win today's show.

[Cheers and applause]

Arnie is our first contestant.

Arnie, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Ah, I'm arnie.

All righty. Next to him would be lester oakes.

Lester oakes, con-struction worker

And let's move this thing along here.

I got things to construction.

Our third contestant today is helga schlumpenfisk.

Helga?

Helga must win!

Sorry, you won't.

Jerry: question number one.

What is my favorite color?

Green? Violet? Orange?

[Buzzer sounds]

Ooh! Wrong. The correct answer was "alaska."

Now wait a second there, fella.

Now alaska ain't not a color.

Question number .

What animal...

[Buzzer sounds]

Ooh! Wrong again! Time is up.

Obviously the answer to that is "macaroni and cheese."

Mac!...and cheese.

Obviously?! This isn't fair.

Question number .

[Buzzer]

Wrong!

The correct answer to that was "telephone."

We also would've accepted the number .

But how could we know your question?

Apparently it doesn't matter.

I don't think that mr. Hoaxman over there

Has any intention on allowing us to win, so I suggest

We just stop playing and maybe you and I could

Go out for a coffee or something...

Uh-oh. Lester, you said the secret word.

That means you lose , points!

The secret word was...stop.

[Buzzer]stop?

Oops. You said it again!

I can't say "stop"?

[Buzzer keeps going off]

[Buzzer]hey, hey, stop that.

[Buzzer]will you stop with the-- aw, forget it.

Hey! I didn't say stop that time!

Question number .

True or false?

True!

[Buzzer]nope. Sorry!

Ooh! False!

No. Lester!

[Buzzer]

The correct answer to that one was "googely-googely, wick-wick-wick-wick."

Ooh! But I was going to say

"Googely-googely, wick-wick..."

Whatever!

[Bell ringing] uh-oh! That sound means it's time

For the super bonus round!

Oh, great. I bet you the super bonus round isn't fair either!

Now in the super bonus round,

Our contestants are given an impossible task

To be performed in seconds.

Arnie!

You're up first!

What do I have to do?

Arnie!

You have seconds

To put your entire foot in your entire mouth.

Ready, go!

, , , , !

[Buzzer]

Ooh!

I'm sorry. You lose!

Loser!

That was only seconds!

This show isn't fair!

It just isn't fair!

Lester oakes, you're up.

Lester.

Lester, you have

Seconds...

To turn this sheep into a dolphin!

Boy, this show is wronger than the -eyed cowboy.

I hate you!

Helga, it looks like you're up, sweetheart.

Helga!

You have seconds

To eat meatballs.

Ooh! Helga will win. Helga loves meatballs!

That's good. Get ready, go!

Audience: , , ,

, ,

, , ,

, !

[Mumbled shouting] helga is the winner. Helga, meatball winner!

[Buzzer]

No.

I'm sorry. You lose!

What? But...

Look, I ate all meatballs!

No, actually you ate meatballs.

That's too many.

I'm sorry.

Get out of here!

Tune in next time, everyone--

[Hoarse screaming]

Helga must teach you a lesson!

All right! Go around!

Ok, come on.

Let's go right now!

Both: aah!

Ooh! I am the winner.

Clap for me!

[Cheers and applause]

And now, danny tamberelli with vital information

For your everyday life.

There are ounces in a pound.

There are sheep in my pants.

Sheep: [baa, baa!]

Shh! Shh!

If you see someone drowning,

Try to throw popcorn in their mouth.

It's harder than you think.

[Baa! Baa!]

Guys!

Guys, please!

Sorry.

Revenge is sweet.

Not as sweet as pounds of sugar!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

This has been danny tamberelli with vital information.

♪ This is all that ♪

♪ This is all that ♪

[Whining man] hi, everyone.

It's time for ask ashley.

Thaaaat's me!

Hi, I'm ashley and I'm here to answer more of your letters.

Our first letter comes from...

"Matt swanson of minnesota."

Matt writes,

"Dear ashley..."

Thaaat's me! [Audience echoes]

"Dear ashley, I have thousands of blond strings

"Growing out of my head.

"Sometimes they grow so long that I have to cut them.

"But every time I do, they grow right back.

"Whenever my sister pulls on them, it hurts.

Ashley, what are these mysterious strings?"

Hmm. I think I know what these strings might be.

It's your stinking hair!

Your hair, you fuzzy freak!

Maybe when your sister pulled on the mystery strings,

She broke your stinking brain!

If you even had one to begin with!

Man!

Ahem. Our next letter comes from...

"Brenna lou of san francisco."

Brenna writes, "dear ashley..."

Ashley and audience: thaaaat's me!

"Dear ashley, there's a strange dark shape

"That follows me everywhere I go.

"Whenever I move, it moves.

"It's even shaped like me.

Ashley, what is this flat, dark thing?"

Hmm, good question, brenna.

What could it be?

Oh, hmm, I have an idea.

It's your stinking shadow!

Your shadow, you letter-writing freak!

It must be your shadow, because no one else

Would follow around such a worthless mound of dumb!

Actually, I take that back.

Maybe matt swanson would follow you around

And let you brush his mystery hair!

If the two of you can figure out how to use a stinking brush!

Man!

Our next letter comes from...

"Max rothschild of venice, nevada."

Max writes, "dear ashley..."

Ashley and audience: thaaat's me!

"Dear ashley, once a year my family throws

"This huge party for me,

"And all my friends are there.

"They put a cake in front of me,

"Sing some song and give me presents.

Ashley, why am I treated so special on this day?"

Well, max, I think I know the answer.

It's your stinking birthday!

The day you were born, you blockheaded blockhead!

Maybe, if you're lucky,

Next year somebody will give you a stinking brain!

"Hello, I'm max and it's my birthday. And I'm confused."

And blah-de-blah-de-blah-de- blah-de-blah!

Heck, here's a thought.

Next year, why don't you invite matt "hairball" swanson

And brenna "what's a shadow?" Lou to your next birthday.

Then the three of you can play "pin the tail on the stupid!"

And guess what!

You'll all be stinking pinned!

Man!

Well, that's all the advice I have for you today!

Bye-bye, everybody.

♪ This is all that ♪

Today, kids,

We're going to learn the most beautiful symphony ever written.

Isn't that neat?

Greetings, you musical people.

As principal of dullmont,

Principal william... [Inhales]

Baines...[Inhales]

Pimpell...

I have some unfortunate news.

It appears that this school is...

Out of money, you know, everything has been depleted and deflated

And deflagellated, if I may...oh, well. As a result,

All your musical implements must be sold.

Boys!

Hey, hands off my flugelhorn!

Hey, hey, hey boy!

These are tough times. We must all make sacrifices.

Here's a $, tip for you.

Principal pimpell,

How come you got rich on the same day that the school went broke?

Coincidence. Well, gotta go.

My pimple and I have first-class tickets to tahiti.

Gimme all this, gimme all that.

Oh! Oh, you guys, this isn't fair!

I know it isn't fair!

No, no. No worries, people.

We can still make music together.

We just have to do the best with what we have.

Here, max, you...

Can play this...flute.

This isn't a flute, this is a straw!

A musical straw, my man.

Now make that baby sing!

[Foghorn-type noise]

Super!

But it sounds like I'm spitting through a straw.

You'll see, max.

When everybody's playing together, it'll be outta sight.

Now, gingo,

You play the cymbals.

Ok, right. The cymbals.

Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Ooh, hey, hey. What a nifty combo, you two.

Let's hear that again.

Ah-choo!

Ah-choo! Oh, yeah, yeah.

Ah-choo! Ah-choo!break it down. Come on, get funky with it!

Ah, let's see what's next.

Queequeg?

[Whimpers] aah...aah...

[Whining] hey, that's my lunch!

Blow into that sandwich.

[Flapping propeller noise]

Ooh. Hey, yeah, yeah. Blow, cat, blow!

Come on!

All right, now, seth...

Seth, I'm gonna give you, uh...

Uh...aha!

Here, this...

Pile of mud. [Squelching sound]

Mud? How am I supposed to play mud?

Any way your bad self likes!

Yes, emma?

Mr. Deflect, this is crazy!

And I'm not playing any of this stuff!

I can dig that, emma.

Rupert, go play emma's head. Sit down.

Sit down.

Come on.

[Thumping noises]

Yeah, good.

All right, now what are we missing?

Hmm. Aha!

Here. Betsy, play your tongue.

My tongue?

Like this.

See?

[Scraping sounds]

Ah, feel the groove.

Now, everybody else pick up any old thing

And make some sort of musical noise with it.

I think we're ready to put it all together.

All right.

, , !

[Flapping, whirring, buzzing]

Whoa! This sounds awful!

Ok, I told you this wouldn't work.

Yeah! This bites!

People, please. I know what the problem is.

Betsy, darling, your tongue is out of tune.

[Sound of tuning strings]

There you go. Much better!

Now, let's try it again. Ready?

, , .

[Orchestral music plays]

Hey, kids.

It's time to have a nice day with leroy & fuzz!

What's up? My name's leroy.

And my name is fuzz. [Laughing]

Calm down, fur ball.

Now today I want to talk about something that irritates me.

Brushing my teeth.

Ooh, leroy, I can't think of anything more fun

Than brushing your teeth!

Are you kidding?

What about playing with a yo-yo?

Ooh, a yo-yo.

Yeah. And I can do all kinds of neat tricks

Like walk the dog, and sh**t the moon...

Hurt the puppet...

Hurt the puppet?

Don't mind if I do!

Ow!

Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark!

See? Wasn't that fun?

Not really.

As I was saying, why do we have to brush our teeth?

I mean, we're just gonna eat and mess them up again.

Oh, oh, but leroy.

Brushing your teeth is fun!

It--it gets your teeth bright and shiny.

Oh, come on, leroy. Show us your bright and shiny smile!

No. I don't feel like smiling right now.

Come on, pul-eeze!

Share your smile, huh?

Think of something that makes you happy.

Hmm. Something that makes me happy.

I know!

What do you know? It worked!

Do you hear a ringing noise?

Nope.

You know, fuzz, since you like brushing your teeth so much,

Why don't you brush them right now?

Hey! That's not a toothbrush.

That's a high-powered industrial strength sander! Ooh!

Open wide!

Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow!

And don't forget to rinse!

Aah!

Like I was saying,

I don't like brushing my teeth.

My name is leroy.

Have a nice day!

Ssss!

The show's over.

Oh, yeah. Kick it!