01x02 - Simon Petrikov

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪

♪

Aah!

[ Panting ]

Come on.

[ Creatures growling ]

[ Panting ]

♪

[ Growling ]

♪

[ Growling continues ]

[ Gasps ]

♪

[ Creatures grumbling ]

♪

Wow. This is one of the
nicest sewers we've been in.

It's stinky.

[ Sniffing ]

No, darlin'. That's me.

[ Laughs ] Simon!

Aww.

Not to worry.

Guess who always carries
around a sewing kit?

[ Vocalizing tune ]

Simon, what would
I do without you?

Oh, you'd be just
fine, I promise.

Better than fine. You're
so great, Marceline.

Someone else would definitely
find you and take care of you.

Maybe even someone rich.

Yeah, you'd be
living in a castle

with food and medicine
and... And trained squirrels

to tend to your every need.

As for me, I'd, uh...

I don't know. Oh.

♪

[ Alarm blares, stops ]

[ Soft whooshing ]

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

Ah...

♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name ♪

[ Soft whooshing ]

[ Steam hissing ]

[ Person clears throat ]

Ah, is that supposed to happen?

Ah!

Is the burning of the pants
a th-century ritual?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Man: I liked the
cave folks in there.

Woman: Yeah, the cave
folks were great.

Greetings, visitors.

My name is Simon Petrikov,

and I'm an antiquarian
living in the th century.

Burning pants is a daily ritual
observed by everyone in my time.

Now, I'd be happy to answer any
other questions you might have.

Mm! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm!

[ Sighs ] Anyone?

[ Electronic voice]
Yeah, I got a question.

Down here.

What's that?

Great question.

[ Chuckles ] By the way,

did you know that in the th
century, you dogs couldn't talk?

Answer the question!

Oh. Uh, it's a phone.

What's that above it?

Also a phone.

It's shaped like a
football, but it's a phone.

Is this also a phone?

It's a blow dryer.

Why isn't it a phone?

[ Chuckles ] Next question.

What's it like to
have ice powers?

Uh, it's great.

Our th-century refrigerators
had freezer compartments,

many of which made
their own ice.

Why did you stop writing
Fionna and Cake stories?

[ Groans ]

[ Whispering ] Look,
I told you yesterday

and the day before that...

I didn't write those.

Ice King wrote those.

[ Normal voice ] But
if you're interested

in reading something
actually good,

I wrote a book about
ancient artifacts.

He used to be a
really cool ice wizard

who wrote my
favorite book series,

but then his girlfriend
or fiancée or something

did something bonkers

and turned him into
a boring sad guy.

Ha!

Uh.

Can you at least sign my book?

[ Ominous music plays ]

♪

[ Sobbing ]

Aw. Oh, jeez.

What's under here?

Huh?

[ Gasps ] No! That's private!

Hey! Let go!

[ Barking ]

Uh, sorry, doggy.

[ Barking ]

Sorry.

Sorry, everybody.

The exhibit is
closing early today.

Uh... [ Grunts ]

Sorry. Uh...

Uh... [ Exhales sharply ]

Please leave!

[ Panting ]

Tourist: What's this room for?

Walls down!

People in the th century
were real tranches.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Sighs ]

♪

♪

♪

[ Chuckles ] [ Gasps ]

[ Clucking tongue ]

♪

Hey there, Mr. Petrikov.

What can I get started for you?

Just the usual.

Wait, extra olives
and cocktail onions.

[ Clicks tongue ]

♪

[ Groans ] No ice!

Just... Just no more
ice, ever. Okay?

[ Chuckles nervously ]

All right. Straight
up. You got it.

Olives.

Onions.

Thanks, Dirt Beer Guy.

Shall I put it on your tab?

Yeah.

Actually, I think
I'll close it out.

[ Grunting ]

What's up? You seem
a little tense.

No, everything's fine.

Same old, same old.

Huh. That's really something.

So...

about the latest "Joe Milkshake"
manuscript I gave you.

Did you get a chance
to look it over?

[ Spits, coughing ]

Oh, uh, no pressure or anything.

But your old stuff,
Fionna and Cake,

I mean, honest to Glob, man,

it is such an inspiration to me.

[ Sighs ] My old stuff.

I don't really want to
talk about my old stuff.

Why not? You should be proud.

You wrote an entire
extended universe...

In a fugue state, if
you think about it.

You know, Simon,

I used to bust your balls
about those old stories,

but I really came
around to them.

Oh, Finn. You too?

Yeah. Jake loved them.

Yeah, he's the one who
convinced us they were good.

Honestly, I like them
better than Finn and Dad.

No, no, no. I'm serious.

I don't want to talk about them.

I'm not proud of them.
No more Fionna and Cake.

Dude, what's wrong?

I'm not Ice King.
I'm not magic.

I can't relate to
Fionna and Cake anymore.

I can't relate to any
of this anymore...

This world, these people.

But there's more
humans than ever now.

Not just your boy Finn the H.

Heh, sure. Cool,
funky future humans.

I might as well be a
dinosaur to you all.

I'm sorry, Simon.

[ Sighs ]

Sometimes I used to
dress up like Ice King

after I became me again.

I guess I missed
being him, in a way.

Things felt simpler
back then. I...

I was too out of
it to understand

how screwed up my life was.

Ah, but even that stopped
working after a while.

Have you talked to
Marcy about any of this?

Nah. I-I didn't want
to freak her out.

Well, hey, there's
always tomorrow, right?

You don't understand.
It's all the same for me.

Every day is just an
unending slog towards...

towards what?

A quest!

Friend, I'm taking
you on a quest!

That's just the thing
to make you feel better!

That sounds hazardous.

Yes! Exactly!

Once I take you to
the edge of death,

you'll feel alive again!

Come on, TV. It's
questin' time!

Okay. Coming.

F-Finn, are you sure about...

Aaaaaaaaaah!

[ Creatures snarling ]

Whoa-oa! [ Screaming ]

Hmm. Maybe we can
take it down a notch.

Uh!

[ Stammering ]

[ Sighs ]

Finn, is this blindfold
really necessary?

Totally necessary,
man. Onward!

Oh! [ Grunts ]

What the...

Why didn't you tell
me about the tree?

What tree?

Finn! I thought
you were leading.

Come on! Trust in fate.

The invisible forces
of the universe

will guide us right
where we need to be.

Huh? You know where we are?

We're in the most
ancient part of Ooo.

Huntress Wizard calls it
the heart of the forest.

The heart, huh? Yeah.

She said no one should
ever, ever, ever come here.

Well, let's set up camp.

[ Gulps ]

Why don't you catch us a fish
from that creek we passed?

Yeah, okay.

Ohh. [ Water splashes ]

Huh?

[ Ominous music plays ]

♪

Aah!

Uhh!

Oh!

[ Roaring ]

[ Smooches ]

Don't eat me!

[ Howls ]

La la la la la!

[ Weakly ] Third nostril.

Good job, bait.
Feel better yet?

Huh?

There was a little guy in there.

[ Clinking ]

Thank you for your
sacrifice, O majestic one.

The little guy and
a third nostril.

♪

Mmm-mmm!

Simon, we have like a
ton of mudskipper here.

You're just gonna eat an egg?

Hmm?

Oh, I'm not going to eat it.

It's for the coffee.

It's a little trick I learned

to help the grounds settle
and clarify the brew.

Or you can just use
cold water, too.

It's a secret to cowboy coffee.

Neat! Where'd
you pick that up?

It might surprise you to learn

I used to be quite the
outdoorsman in my day.

[ Sniffs deeply ]

Mmm!

[ Blows ]

[ Slurping ]

So that's what
cowboy tastes like.

Huh.

This place reminds
me of a forest

I camped out in once years ago.

We were on an
expedition in Java,

searching for a lost temple,

when we were caught
in a freak rainstorm.

[ Munching ] [
Muffled ] Rainstorm?

Huh. Half our
supplies washed away.

Ah, but Betty somehow put
together a four-star dinner.

[ Sighs ] Betty.

♪

Hey, now.

Talking about sad
stuff gets you nowhere.

Forget about it.

Uh...

Uh.

Hey! The fire's
getting awful low.

Why don't you gather
us some more firewood?

Firewood.

Sure.

Yeah, Finn. Just keep him busy,
and everything will be fine.

[ Chomps ] Mm-hmm.

[ Tense music plays ]

♪

♪

Uhh! [ Grunts ]

Ooh!

What am I doing here?

Gah!

[ Mumbling ]

[ Whistles ]

Now, them some sticks.

[ Stick snaps, rustling ]

♪

[ Roars ]

Aah!

[ Roars ]

T-Think fast. B-Bear.

M-Make yourself bigger.

Raaar!

[ Growls softly ]

Hey, it worked.

Oh, no.

[ Roaring ]

Simon: Aaaaah! Simon!

Go, Simon! Hit it in the face!

[ Snarling ]

[ Groans weakly ] Aaah!

Evil bear!

Suck these knunks!

Finn! Be careful!

♪

Simon! You got this.

s*ab it in the heart.

Uh... okay.

This is your k*ll window.

k*ll window!

♪

Ah!

Aaah!

Uh.

Time to finish this.

[ Grunting ]

[ Cracks ]

[ Bear whimpers ]

Ooh!

[ Laughing ]

Oof.

Finn?

Are you okay? Your
back's kind of...

Huh?

Does it look cool?

I've seen worse.

How about you? Are
your bad feelings gone?

Uh, yeah. Much better.

But I think I'm
ready to go back now.

Cool, cool, cool. I'll
walk you part way.

Okay, let's go.

[ Buzzing ]

[ Sniffing ]

Oh, yeah.

[ Panting ]

Looks like here
is where we part.

I'm gonna stop off and
see Huntress Wizard.

Where do I go?

Just follow the river from here.

It'll take you back to
where you want to be.

Yeah, right. Where
I want to be.

No, for real. The
human city is that way.

Well, thanks, Finn,
for... everything.

No prob, Bob. I
love fixing people.

Later!

♪ Does somebody
jump for joy? ♪

♪ Does somebody cry? ♪

♪ Now that I'm not
part of that sadness? ♪

♪ Does somebody want me now? ♪

♪ Now that I can't fly? ♪

♪ Now that I'm not
part of the madness? ♪

♪ Part of the madness? ♪

♪ Part of the madness? ♪

[ Speaking fairy language ]

♪ Part of the madness? ♪

Whee!

♪ Laughter and screams
seem to echo faintly ♪

♪ I can still
hear them around ♪

♪ Somewhere the roller
coaster climbs and dives ♪

♪ While I've got my
feet on the ground ♪

♪ Aren't I so much better now
that I'm just a normal guy? ♪

♪ Now that I'm not ♪

♪ Now that I'm not ♪

♪ Part of the madness ♪
[ Line ringing ]

Simon! Marceline. [ Heavy
metal music playing ]

Simon, you won't believe
what I'm doing right now.

Me and P.B. are getting
matching tattoos!

Hey, Simon!

Well, trying to get tattoos.

My skin keeps healing over.

[ Laughter ]

Whatever.

So, h-how you
been? How's work?

Um, I'm good. Work's great. [
Heavy metal music continues ]

Uh, I made a little
girl cry earlier today.

Wait, what was that? Can
you say it again, louder?

It's nothing.
Everything's fine.

Hey, you're doing good, right?

Marceline?

Marce... Simon!

Phoebe's arm is
gumming up the machine.

[ Laughing ] And
it's hilarious!

Oh, that tickles!

[ Laughter ]

It's so gross!

Oh, uh, got to go.

The tattoo artist is
getting really pissed.

But let's hang out
soon, for real! Bye!

[ Line clicks ]

Bye.

♪ Aren't I so much better now
that I'm just a normal guy? ♪

♪ Now that I'm not ♪

♪ Now that I'm not
part of the sadness ♪

♪ Part of the badness ♪

♪ Part of the radness ♪

♪ Part of the ma-a-a-dness ♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Clatters ]

♪

"Fionna didn't know what
secrets lay in the Crystal City

at the bottom of the lake.

But she knew there was
only one way to find out."

You're right, Fionna.

Evil Choose Goose: Bury
the past or even burn,

the suffering you can't unlearn.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Laughing maniacally ]

You shut up!

[ Laughing ]

Shut up, or I'll stuff you!

Stuff me with lemons
and savory spices.

It won't snuff out your
existential crisis.

[ Laughing ]

♪

Forever she will languish

while you wallow in anguish.

Why act so stricken?

You know you're too...

[ Muffled grunting ]

♪

[ Inhales and exhales sharply ]

Reveal the path and
grant me passage.

Reveal the path and grant...

The portal won't open,
you massive fake.

You belong in the trash
with Fionna and Cake!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Reveal the path and
grant me passage!

Reveal the path! [ expl*si*n ]

[ Moans ]

No.

I failed you again, Betty.

[ Cat meows ]

Wha... huh?

♪

[ Beeping ]

♪

♪

♪