- What's that?
- It's a cup.
What, a new cup? Yeah, I got a new cup.
Do you like it?
- We've got a cup.
- Yeah, we've got one cup.
We needed two cups.
Why would we need two cups? So I can have a cup of tea at the same time as you.
- Bret, do you even pay any attention to the cup roster?
- Your cup roster.
That means I can't drink a cup of tea between 7:00 and 9:00 pm.
Well, I have it till 9:00 and then you get it for two hours.
Then I use it from 11:00 till 1:00.
You use it from 1:00 till 3:00.
Yeah, I have to wait till 1:00 if I want to have another cup.
And then we give the cup a rest.
It was only $2.
79.
- $2.
79?
- Yeah, I thought it was quite good.
Okay, well, I just need a second to calm down.
It's all right, isn't it? I suppose.
Bret.
- Bret.
- Mm
-hmm? Our check for the phone Bill bounced.
It says here on our bank statement that our account was short $2.
79.
How much was that cup again? $2.
79.
Oh, that's quite interesting, isn't it? Well, because our check bounced, we got charged a $30 overdraft fee which made our gas Bill bounce.
Yeah, that's boring, man.
Yes, but the point is because of your $2.
79 spending spree, we now owe $60 and our phone and gas are gonna be cut off.
Stink.
Ah.
We got a letter from the electricity company.
What did it say? Didn't read it.
All right.
Nice dressing room.
Bret, where's your guitar? Hm? You should have a guitar.
I sold it to pay the bills.
You can't go on like that.
Won't it sound weird just with the big guitar that Jemaine plays? The bass.
It's called a bass.
Well, I call it the dad guitar, 'cause it's more like a "I'm your dad.
Hey, Murray, get into the shed and get the mower do the lawn.
" You need Bret's mum guitar to add the beautiful tones.
"Come on, now.
Murray's okay.
He's with me.
Why you get home so late, Gordon?" "I was having a few beers.
" It'll sound fine.
It won't sound fine, Bret.
You've got no guitar.
How does it sound then? I can hardly hear it.
You'd have to be deaf to hear that.
the humans are dead the humans are dead we used poisonous gases oh, good news.
The new new zealand consulate newsletter is out.
- Oh, who cares?
- You should care, Jemaine.
- Well, I don't.
- Shall I read the music review section?
- If you must.
- What? "Conchords crash and burn.
" Doesn't sound too good.
"By Murray hewitt.
"
- You wrote this?
- "The flight of the conchords"
- what?
- "have great potential, but last night, playing with only one guitar, the dad guitar or "bass" in muso terms, and one air guitar which was mimed, they were a musical embarrassment.
- Two stars.
"
- Two stars?
- Two stars.
- You can't give us two stars, Murray.
Two out of five stars? Well, I wish it was, but it's out of 100.
Hmm.
- Oh, I thought it was out of five.
- Don't tell people that.
Say it's out of five.
Can we use the emergency band fund to get my guitar back? Well, that's that's actually tied up in an investment at the moment.
What's this investment? It's a friend of mine from nigeria.
- Nigel soladu.
- When did you go to nigeria? Well, I didn't go.
That's the best bit.
He just randomly send me an internet letter offering me a business opportunity and I went with it.
In a few days' time, he'll return the money I invested plus 1,000% interest and a share of his family fortunes.
- It's a scam.
- It is not a scam.
Why would someone want to scam me, Jemaine, and on the internet service, one of the trusted things of today's society? Have you got any food here? Oh you want a couple of biscuits, do you? Okay, we can order some.
Just fill out this.
Put how many biscuits you want, your name, and you'll have to bring in some I.
D.
That gets sent back to wellington.
We'll have your biscuits by Tuesday.
Who's gonna want to buy one of those, Bret? Mainly people who need to drink from far away.
Superstraws!
- Well, hello, guys.
- Hey, mel.
I will have a superstraw, please.
- Awesome.
- Here we go.
- Thank you.
- Hey, great gig the other night.
I noticed, Bret, you didn't have a guitar.
Is that something that you forgot? Or are you trying it out or is that just something I'll have to get used to? I sold it to get some money.
Wow, that's so romantic two struggling musicians living in poverty and despair, selling their instruments.
I know it sounds good, but it's actually pretty dressing.
All our utilities were cut off because Bret bought a cup.
Oh, well, I could give you guys some money.
- Yeah?
- Thanks, mel.
I mean, you would have to earn it, of course.
I mean, I wouldn't insult you by giving you charity.
What do we have to do? Do you guys do massage?
- Bret does.
- No.
- I don't.
You do.
- Bret does.
- I don't, but Bret does.
- He does.
- Jemaine's the one for that.
- Bret always does that.
- I've seen you do it.
- Bret's always massaging.
Bret's a real good masseuse.
Okay then.
Well, Bret, I will see you at my place at 4:30? Huh? Should I lay down? No no, this is good.
Maybe I should take off some clothes, so you could no no, that's good.
Whoo! Hey, Bret, when does the massage start? When do you touch me? I'm just doing it very gently
- to begin with.
- Are you I can't really feel it.
I wanna feel it.
I'm trying to
- just stay in your seat.
- Okay, all right.
Are you sure Doug's gonna be okay with this? Yeah, it's just a massage.
Doug will be fine with it.
Yeah, I'm fine with it.
Unless I start feeling something, I guess I'm not gonna be able to pay you $30.
I'll do it.
Oh yeah.
Wow.
Oh, you are good at this.
You're like a samurai, like a massage samurai.
I'm just patting her.
Oh, I feel like I've hired a gigolo.
I'm just kidding.
I would never hire I mean, I would, I would, but I wouldn't pay you.
I would.
I would pay you so much money.
I'm just kidding.
That's not how I am.
That's not what I'm about.
I'm joking.
I'm not.
I am.
I'm not.
Oh wow.
Bret, you know how you told me you were good at sex?
- Are you?
- That was just 'cause you asked me in front of Sally.
Right, yeah.
Okay.
Well, you were lying then.
- I was exaggerating a little bit.
- Lying.
- No, exaggerating.
- Well, maybe mel's right.
Maybe we could be prostitutes.
Prostitution is a quick way of making money.
It is not degrading.
It is not degrading.
- Have you seen "pretty woman"?
- No.
Well, it's a story about a prost*tute called Richard gere who gets to go out with a "pretty woman" Julia roberts who pays him a lot of money.
Do you think Julia roberts is a pretty woman? Yes.
Well, imagine getting to have sex with women similar to Julia roberts and getting paid for it.
Jemaine, I don't think we're gonna get sex and get paid.
- Why not?
- 'Cause we never get sex or get paid.
Bret, the ladies go crazy for my sugarlumps.
- Your what?
- Check it out.
All the ladies are just checking out my sugarlumps.
let me tell you I see you girls checking out my trunks I see you girls checking out the front of my trunks I see you girls looking at my junk then checking out my rump then back to my sugarlumps when I shake it, I shake it all up you probably think that my pants have the mumps it's just my sugarlumps, bump
-ba
-bumps they look so good, that's why I keep 'em in the front all the ladies checking out my sugarlumps
- sweet sugarlumps
- they drive the ladies crazy all these b*tches checking out my britches put 'em in a trance when I wear track pants my dungarees make them hunger
-ees they're over the moon when I don pantaloons my sugarlumps are two of a kind sweet and white and highly refined honeys try all kinds of tomfoolery to steal a feel of my family jewelry my cannonballs cause a kerfuffle the ladies, they hustle to ruffle my truffle if you party with the party prince you get two complimentary after
-dinner mints we see you girls checking out our trunks we see you girls checking out the front of our trunks we see you girls looking at our junk then checking out our rumps then back to our sugarlumps chillin' at my store, doing my thing when in walks a guy with his d*ck in a sling I'm like, "holy sh*t, what happened to you?" he said, "how much will you give me for the family jewels?" I said, "10 bucks," he said, "no way" "10 bucks and a frisbee," he said, "okay" and I took his sugarlumps and put 'em up in a display and sold 'em as hacky Sacks later that day all the ladies, they want a taste of my sugarlumps sweet sugarlumps, yeah all they ladies, they want a taste of my sugarlumps sweet sugarlumps.
what do you think, Bret? I don't think I want to be a prost*tute.
- What?
- You should be the prost*tute.
You bought the cup.
Hi, do you need a prost*tute? Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt, but do you see my friend over there with the red shirt? He's a bit of a part
-time prost*tute.
I was wondering
- no thanks.
- Might this entice you? Nut loaf.
- She said no.
- Did she say why? Bret, perhaps you should wear shorts and show your legs off and maybe wear a cowboy hat and cover up your head a bit.
I don't have a cowboy hat.
I've got that old sun hat, though.
And also, I think you're gonna have to go the whole way.
You can't just hug them.
Just hugs until I get more confident.
Okay.
Do you want to swap for a while? Excuse me.
Would you like to party with my friend? I'm sorry? Would you like to dance? Mamba?
- What?
- You see my friend over there? He's a player, a night owl.
Okay, 10
-30
-50.
- What are you talking about?
- $5.
He'll go all the way and he's clean.
- You interested?
- What?
- Not interested? Okay, move along.
Move along.
I'm walking here.
I'm walking.
- What happened?
- Not interested.
It's dark, Bret.
Yeah, I know.
What expression's on your face? Um, guilty expression.
What expression's on your face? Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied 'cause I was right about the cup.
That's a weird expression.
Bret, how much are you selling those superstraws for? One dollar.
How many straws does it take to make a superstraw? Five.
What's the total cost of those five straws? Two
-fift oh.
I've sold quite a few of them.
Oh.
humans are dead humans are dead had to be done so we could have fun.
okay, listen to this review, guys.
"Flight of the no
-chords.
It was hard to tell if the band was a band or a mime troop.
No stars.
" So that's what they're saying about you.
That's what you're saying about us.
You wrote it.
It doesn't matter who wrote it, Jemaine.
This is what people are reading.
This is the written report on you
- that someone's written.
- Yeah.
You.
Maybe.
- It says "by Murray hewitt.
"
- Yeah, I know.
- It's got your picture there.
- Yes.
You're a band with no instruments.
- How does it feel?
- Not very good.
No, not very good.
Can you think of any successful musicians
- with no instruments?
- The Mormon tabernacle choir.
- I can't.
- Boyz ii men.
Bobby mcferrin.
Pavarotti.
Bret's right.
There are none.
No one else is doing it.
The venue doesn't want you back until you've got instruments.
- Is that what they said?
- Yup.
So guess what I've done? I've written up a timeline, if you look over here, to show us how long it's gonna take to raise the money to get your guitars back.
It's a pretty big timeline.
Yeah, I sort of made the scale wrong at the start there and it got out of hand.
You should see the first one I made, though.
It's definitely an improvement.
Basically, you should have your guitars back in about 14 years.
- 14 years?
- Yup.
And that's if you stop selling those straws, Bret.
What about the band investment with Mr.
Nigel soladu? Yes, well, I'm still waiting on that.
I've got you some good news here.
- I've got you a paid gig.
- Well, that's good.
Yes, well actually it's just Bret.
And it's not a musical gig as such.
You'll be dressing up in a costume for a guy called Eddie.
- Eddie?
- Yes, you know Eddie?
- My boss?
- Yup, he phoned me up.
It's all sorted.
He said to tell you that your phone wasn't working and that you've got a job if you want it.
So he just left a message.
- Well, it was a gig offer, wasn't it?
- No.
That's already my job.
So I can't get a cut on that? No, 'cause that's already my job.
I do that job.
All right, I'll note that down.
"No commission on Bret's job.
"
- What about you, Jemaine?
- What? Do you have an outside
- source income? Yeah, sort of.
I could work on that with you and get a cut of it.
You don't want to.
- I'd like to.
- No.
I need some money.
Hey, carol, it's Jemaine here.
I was just calling to say do you remember how we slept together about six times I think it was last year in february? Uh, yeah.
I'm a prost*tute now.
Um, so I was wondering if I might be able to get some money for that, maybe about $40 a time? That's $3 off.
Also, would you be interested in going out sometime? I'd love that.
Okay, bye.
- Any luck?
- Possibly, yeah.
Very promising.
You should be prostituting yourself, Bret.
No, I found being a prost*tute degrading.
Free condoms.
Free condoms from the human condom! Jemaine, are you prostituting yourself in front of my building? No.
How did you know that?
- Did Bret tell you?
- No.
I saw it on the advertisement on the lobby notice board.
Did you take that off the lobby notice board? Yes and I don't have my own copy.
I just don't think we're gonna be able to pay our rent otherwise.
- We're bankrupt.
- Oh.
Try hotels fancy ones and ones near the airport.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Thanks for the suggestion.
- How did you know that?
- I read it in a book.
- What book?
- Just a normal book.
Just a normal book nondescript.
- Just a book I had.
- Just a book.
- Just a normal book.
- Just a very normal book.
- Just a super
- a book that tells you where to sell your body.
Just a normal book with all kinds of facts.
- That's one of 'em.
- What was the title? "Just how to get it done.
" This lift is so slow.
Okay, band meeting.
Bret? Present.
Jemaine.
Not present.
Absent.
Bret.
No, I've done you.
This has put me all out of whack.
Where's Jemaine? He's out working the b*at.
- Working the b*at?
- Yeah.
- Drumming?
- No, he's a gigolo.
- A what?
- He's a prost*tute.
Jemaine's a hooker.
A whore? Is he?
- A prost*tute.
- A male prost*tute.
Jemaine shouldn't be doing this.
Indeed he should not, sir.
Uh, Murray, who's who's this? Oh, this is nigel soladu.
He's my new business partner.
- From the internet?
- Yes! Can you imagine it? Out of the hundreds of people that use the internet, only I was willing to help him.
- This is Bret.
- Hi.
Bret, you've got to get out there and stop Jemaine.
All right? He shouldn't be selling himself to the street! Jemaine doesn't think it's degrading.
- It is degrading.
- It is degrading.
He's just putting on a brave face.
- No one likes being a prost*tute.
- Jemaine likes it.
Well, why don't you become a prost*tute? Why aren't I a prost*tute? Why aren't I a prost*tute, Bret? Good one, nigel.
Why isn't nigel a prost*tute? We could all be in a prost*tute club.
It's 'cause of that cup.
You should never have bought that cup.
I just wanted a new cup.
We only had one cup.
So there's two of us I often have to wait for Jemaine to finish his anyway, good news on the money front, right? My family thanks you for the loan.
Thanks to Murray's trust and generosity, your band investment fund has seen a very healthy profit.
We can get your guitars back and we can pay your power Bill.
Something you'd like to say to Mr.
Soladu? Thank you very much, nigel.
Oh and on behalf of Jemaine he's prostituting himself at the moment
- all right, don't go on about it thank you for that.
Good.
Also, I've got something to say.
Nagoota tata lacie.
Did I say that right? I don't know what you said.
I'm still trying on that one.
Would you be okay if I were to use your computer?
- I would like to check my email.
- Yes, certainly.
There's the keyboard here.
There's the mouse.
You can just go up and down on the keys.
I don't use that.
There's the TV screen.
Okay, be quiet.
Don't say anything.
He's going online, right? You've got to get out there and save Jemaine.
It's getting dark.
It's very dangerous when you're out on the streets as a man prost*tute.
- I'll go tell him.
- Go, Bret.
Okay, see ya.
Eugene, have you seen Jemaine? Uh, I he went ooh ooh, ooh
-ooh
-ooh it's a cold night beneath the street light there's a man whose pants are too tight oh no
- his pants are too tight
- my pants are too tight he stands there, an empty stare trying to make enough money for his cab fare home he'll have to walk home tonight don't have enough for the ride the streets are cruel, he just acts cool he goes to work with only his one tool you can put away your tool, Jemaine you don't have to be a prost*tute no no no no no you can say no to being a man
-ho a male gigolo you don't have to be a prost*tute no no no no no you can say no to being a night
-look, a boy hook, a red boy bro
-ho he cannot see his way out I cannot see my way out he can't see his way out male prostitution seems to be my only option he can't see his way out I cannot see my way out he can't see his way out no no no no no he's selling cheap thrills to pay expensive bills but check your resume, you must have some other skills do you have any other skills like typing? they see him wanting to please them wanting to play them, but they don't even pay him oh no no they don't think he's worth it at all though they are no one, he tries to bring them home maybe it'd be okay if he lived alone ooh, you have a roommate, Jemaine don't bring them home you don't have to be a prost*tute no no no no no you can say no to being a man
-ho a male gigolo you don't have to be a prost*tute no no no no no you can say no to being a night
-look, a boy hook, a red boy bro
-pro.
look, so I have $200.
is that enough?
- Really?
- Mm
-hmm.
Yeah, I should be able to get
- Oh, great.
- Yeah.
I have a few rules.
No laughing, especially during, okay? It puts me off.
That's one.
Um, number two: If you go overtime, I'm gonna have to charge you for the next 20 minutes.
- One or two minutes is
- do you want to do this or not? Uh, yes I do.
It's my policy for clients to have a shower.
Okay.
- Bret.
- Jemaine.
You don't need to be a prost*tute.
It's fine, man.
Mr.
Soladu's money came through.
- Get out of here.
- No, I'm serious.
It's totally fine.
Murray said it's degrading as well.
Oh, it isn't degrading.
It's fine.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah yeah yeah.
I just feel bad 'cause I got the cup.
- No, don't worry about it.
- Really?
- Yes yes, get out of here.
- It is more social.
- Yeah, exactly.
- You can sit down, have a cup of tea together.
Get out, Bret.
I've got a customer.
It's a pretty woman.
- Police department.
Open up.
- Police.
- Open up.
I called them to come and save you.
New York city police.
We got a call of solicitation of prostitution at this location.
You, are you the prost*tute? Yes, ma'am.
You're a prost*tute as well? No no, I'm just the guy that wears the big condom.
A bit boring in jail, eh? There's nothing to do.
I knew if you bought a cup, we'd end up in jail.
I knew it.
Are these your guys? Yes, this is them.
- Hello, guys.
- Hey, Murray.
Wow.
This is a turnout for the books, huh? This is the lowest of the low.
You're an embarrassment to new zealand.
Jemaine, was it a good thing to prost*tute yourself?
- Well
- no, it wasn't.
And, Bret, you're lucky I'm bailing you out.
And unfortunately I've had to use all the profits from the nigel soladu fund, so we're back at square one.
- Typical, isn't it?
- At square one again? Yes.
We were at square two, but now we're back.
- When was that?
- Let's stop talking about squares.
Let's go.
You're like a couple of jailhouse turkeys.
When's the electricity coming back on? They said it would be on by now.
What time is it? You'll be pleased about that.
girls surround me when I'm standing on the stoop giving me gifts like free chicken soup book tokens, free chicken soup standing on the corner going standing on the corner going
02x02 - New Cup
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Centers on the day-to-day lives and loves of two shepherds-turned-musicians, Jemaine and Bret, who have uprooted themselves from their native New Zealand to try to make it big as a folk duo in New York City.
Centers on the day-to-day lives and loves of two shepherds-turned-musicians, Jemaine and Bret, who have uprooted themselves from their native New Zealand to try to make it big as a folk duo in New York City.