01x04 - The Cause of This Defect

[bunniefuu]

You know my motto: where
there's a crime, there's a West.

You said one year, out in nine
months. What about four bloody
years?!

You had no faith in me.

(PANTS)

SIRENS APPROACH

TYRES SQUEAL

TRAIN RUMBLES

(CHUCKLES QUIETLY)

(PANTS)

MACHINERY WHIRRS

Hey! Hell!

(YELLS)

ENGINE RUMBLES

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

DOOR CLOSES

Make yourself useful, Van.
We gotta go soon.

GLASS SMASHES

How do I look?

What look were you going for?

Grieving, obviously.

Oh, so not, 'Take me now
across the nearest pew.'

It's black. And Billy
would have liked it.

Yeah, he would.

I cared about Billy.
Today is all about him.

And at least I don't look like
the oldest virgin in West Auckland.

You right, Mum?
Yep, couldn't be better.

You don't have to talk to him.
He'll be under guard.

Just as well — I might k*ll him.

Mum.

Eric.

Yeah, I thought I'd bring a bit
of piss for the after-match.

You didn't have to do that.

Put these in the fridge.

Hey, come to the service with us.

Oh no, I thought I'd give
that a bit of a swerve, eh.

But he was your son.

Nah, he was much
more yours than mine.

After all, he changed his
name to Billy West, didn't he?

He loved you, Eric.

JETHRO: Billy was like
a stepbrother to us.

And even if other people couldn't
see it, Billy had his skills and
talents.

He was always the fastest runner
in his class. He loved books and
stories.

Anyone who knew him will know
that his favourite story was
The Little Yellow Digger.

ENGINE STOPS

Dad.

Wolf.

That was also something he was
really inspired about — earth-moving
equipment, getting his HT licence.

Thanks, mate.

I'm just real glad to be here —

real proud Eric asked
me to say the eulogy.

Christ, Billy made us laugh.
Always into everything.

The first time he came to stay
with us, we couldn't keep him
in the house.

Up at all hours. We didn't
know where he was going off to.

Then, one night, Cheryl wakes me
up and says, 'I think I hear Billy
going out the door.'

So up I get. Out I go.

I find him and Van down the street
— Hirepool, at o'clock in the
morning.

'Well, they're not hiring a
chainsaw,' I think. 'Not at this
time of night.' Then I see them.

They've got the gate open, and
Billy's driving out on a digger.

Up and down the street, up and down,
this big, happy, silly grin on his
face.

That's the way I'll always think
of Billy — doing stuff for the
hell of it.

And wherever he is, I bet
you he's driving a digger.

Stay back please.

Uh, sorry, mate. Can't help it, eh?

Only he could turn a bloody
tragedy into the Big Day Out.

We should move this along.

Hey, I missed half my son's funeral
because of you lot dicking around.

Billy wasn't even related.

Maybe he's owed a few favours for
being a model prisoner. I dunno.

My deepest condolences, Cheryl.

Corky, how are you?

Good. Did you get my message?
What message?

Wolf's appeal — I'm keen to start.

But, uh, you know how we
do it — money up front.

Hey. Do you really think this
is the right time or place?

Or we can work out some
other way of payment.

That's not how we do things
any more. Take me home, love.

Sure.
Of course. Well, we'll,
uh, talk about it later.

Ooh yeah! They will be mine.

What are you on about?

The barbie — someone's gotta man it.
I am paying for most of this.

You never even liked Billy.

Oh, come on, Van. We all
know he was a P-head screw-up.

If he hadn't gone now, he would
have gone next week, next year—

Don't say that.

Nothing going on for him.
No one to look after him.

Just shut the f*ck up, Jed!

Oi, what's going on?

Dunno.

Fucker.
What's the matter, love?

Nothing. Leave me the f*ck alone.

BRAKES SQUEAL

Here are the rules. We stay
minutes. And if you try anything—

Paul, relax.

Where'd you think
I'd run to? Right here.

This should have been at my place.
Not that I got much of one. Business
isn't what it used to be.

We're happy to do it, Eric.

And where is his Mum, eh?
Didn't even show for his funeral.

Yeah. Hey, can you
make yourself useful?

I am.

GUESTS CHEER

Dad. What are you doing here?

I live here, don't I?
Not lately.

This is Paul, Her Majesty's best.
As screws go, not a bad bastard.

Loretta — my youngest; brain box.

Yeah, hi. minutes — tops.

No worries, Paul.

QUIETLY: Oh, f*ck! Shit!

You, get these out.
But—

Sausage rolls — get them out. And
keep Eric out from under my feet.

(MOUTHS)

(SIGHS)

KNOCK AT DOOR

Um, I'll be out in a minute.

WATER TRICKLES

Leave me alone.

You're supposed to leave it
under the water for minutes.

Just—

f*ck, you're beautiful.

f*ck you.

Oh, no, thanks — I'm on duty.

Does it like, completely
suck being a prison guard?

Criminals are bad, so prison guards
should be good. But have you seen a
movie where a prison guard is cool

Take Monster's Ball, where they're
all tragic inbreeds who take their
prostitutes from behind.

Am I boring you?

No.

Do you like movies?

BOTH BREATHE RAGGEDLY

(GROANS)

BOTH PANT

(GROANS)

BOTH GRUNT ECSTATICALLY

KNOCK AT DOOR

Bugger off!
I need to use the loo.

Well, go and piss in the shower!

What am I, years old again?

Oh Christ!

I'll go in the garden.

So, how's that burn feeling?

Oh, so much better, thanks.
I don't feel a thing (!)

What? You think a quick shag is
going to make this all better?

Look, I know it's a sad day,
but it was an accident.

I'm not talking about Billy.
I'm talking about Allen.

You're talking about Allen bloody
Markham, on a day like today?

You arsehole!

Go ahead. Come on — free shot.

Oh, get over yourself.
Come on — free shot. Off you go.

f*ck off back to prison.

You right there, Paul? Eh?
About to fire up the barbie.

I'm just gonna show Paul a DVD.

Take your time.

I'm not going anywhere.

Is this all yours?

Don't worry — I paid for it.
I'm gonna be a film director.

Don't you have DVD?

On my pay?

It's not that expensive.

And if it sucks so much being a
prison officer, get another job.

(LAUGHS)

What?

Don't hold back, do you?

Do you think that's not attractive?

Oh, no. I'm just... not used to it.

But it's fine.

OK.

(SIGHS)

Do you wanna have sex with me?

What?

I-I've got condoms.

I nicked them off my brother, but...

No, they're OK.
I'm—

Yeah, I know, you're working.
But Dad's not going anywhere.
He's a slut for the attention.

But, you know, if you just wanna
watch a movie, that's fine, too,
cos—

Yeah.

Yeah, what?

I meant yes.

If you want to.

OK.

LOCK CLICKS

SAUSAGES SIZZLE

Want one?

No, thanks.

Well, it's excellent to see you.

Yeah, what a blast, eh?

Despite the tragic
circumstances, of course.

Haven't seen much
of you lately, Corky.

Been pretty busy, yeah.

Look, I don't want to beat around
it here, but money is an issue,
as I was saying to Cheryl.

Were you?

It's how we've always done business
— a pretty long association.

You know, Corky, if I hadn't
recommended you to every bloke
I know,

you wouldn't be living in Te Atatu,
sending your kids to Baradene.

You wouldn't have a business.

Yeah.

Well, I'm sure we can sort it.

Do you want me to
take my clothes off?

Um,... maybe you'd
like to kiss me first.

Oh,... yeah.

Yeah, I'm just getting ahead
of myself, cos you're so hot.

Well, they don't come to the
funeral, but the party afterwards—

I thought you were mad at him.

I am.

I know you'll miss her,
but she's with us in spirit.

It wasn't Grandma that died.

It was Billy.

Billy? The mental kid who'd
turn up and never leave?

Yep, him.

You were always so good to him.

All of youse.

Billy was... special.

Oh, he said that, uh,...

you were good to him.

Well, he was from a broken home.

And there was that thing in
Dannevirke with his auntie—

No, I meant about you rooting him.

You know about that?

It was one of the highlights,
I think, of his whole life.

Couldn't believe his luck.

(SIGHS)

Wow.

Yeah.

It wasn't good for you?

(LAUGHS)

Well,... I don't know.

Well, that means no.

Is there anything I can do?

How do you mean?

For you.

Maybe I was too fast, and I didn't
think about you, and what you'd
like.

What?

As a woman.

Oh.

Right.

Well, maybe we should just do it
again, then. Don't you think?

Yeah, do it better.

(GASPS)

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

You're a bloody mind-reader, woman.

Nah, not hungry. Not today.

Suit yourself.

Listen, Van. It's a bloody shame
about Billy, OK, but these things
happen.

Not if I'd been there.

Say what?

Billy told me about the job he was
gonna do, right? So I said, 'Yeah,
I'll go, maybe.'

Because, you know, he was so full
of shit, and I was late for work,

and Mum — I knew she'd
be pissed — so I didn't go.
Right.

Yeah, well, if I had gone, then he
might not have done it, you know?

I could have f*cking helped him.
He might not have f*cking...

Hey.

Hey. Listen, do you
know what you are?

Nah.

You are a good man
with a lot on his plate.

Trying to listen to your mother,
and do the right by the family.
This is not your fault, Van.

And things — they will
get back to normal.

OK. The money, for the
appeal — is that a problem?

Nah, there are no
problems — only challenges.

And no lawyer, or your mother,
will stop me getting back to where
I belong — right here with you.

Oh, f*ck, Dad.
Come here.

I rooted him once. After that time
with his auntie in Dannevirke.

I just felt so sorry for him.

You didn't!

His Auntie hit him with a jug cord,
and he had these real mean bruises—

But that's when I did it.

And Corinna Balani in fourth form
— but before she got the clap.

No!

I had no idea.

Well, he was just
so cute, and so sad.

Yeah, I-I really don't know how I'm
gonna cope with all this, really.

Loss.

And the guilt.

The thing about pity roots is they
can't be too old or too ugly.

Hi, Van.

Oi. You know Dad needs money?

Yeah, well, don't we all?

Corky's not doing the appeal.
Why didn't you tell me?!

Hey, don't shout at me, Van.

I've gone with everything
you said — what we had to do.

What are you trying to do to him?!

I'm not trying to do...

Oh, whatever.

SMASH!

Jesus, Van.

(SIGHS)

You didn't like that?

I just don't see how
that can be hygienic.

Most women like it.
Not that I've been with heaps.

I don't understand why anyone
would want to do that.

I thought you wanted to.
I mean, you practically jumped me.

Look, it's not you, OK? It's me.

I mean, I don't exactly have
a lot to compare this to.

It's my first time.

Oh. Right.

Well, that explains the blood.

Blood?

Ew. Ew! Oh my God,
that is so disgusting.

I'm fine.

I feel kind of honoured, you know?

Um, don't you think you better
go check on my Dad, in case he's
escaping?

Nah.

Do you not care about
criminals being on the loose?

I spend all day trailing round
after no-hopers and losers.

If I'm going to get fired, I
may as well make it worthwhile.

You mean, you want to do it again?

We're barely covering overheads.

You'll be all right, Eric.

If you have another word with Cheryl
about coming back to the shop—

(SQUEALS) Wolfgang West!
I heard you was out! Mwah!

Gidday, Rochelle.
You're looking well.

Oh, and you, you poor bugger.
I'm so sorry for you.

Really?
What could be worse
than losing a son?

You all right, Eric?
Great. Oh, but also
shithouse, you know.

Do you feel like a
drink there, Rochelle?

Yeah.

Come here, you. Oh! Let me see you.
When am I gonna see you on the cover
of a magazine, eh?

I dunno. I keep trying,
but it's difficult.

It will happen, princess. Maybe not
today or tomorrow, but it will
happen.

Hey. Oi. Hey, you. Come here, woman.
They can look after themselves for
two minutes.

I'm with the two most beautiful
women in the world. I'm the luckiest
man alive, right now.

Oh, baby. Remember this? Eh? Eh?

♪ Asian cigarettes,...

ALL CHEER

♪ ...a long talk,
a few cans, if you can...

♪ be my bare-skinned baby.

♪ We're in for a long
night, a strong night.

♪ You, look what
you've done to me. ♪

[ CHEERING CONTINUES

Is it always like
this at your place?

When Dad's home, yeah.

You don't like being touched?

It's the abuse — the mental scars.

Really?

No.

So, was Billy really
your foster brother?

Nah. His mum just used to dump
him on us. Eric was no use.

Once it was for... nearly a year.

Mum used to try and get him to read
and have milk and go to bed early.

So, you were fond of him?

I had to read him The Little
Yellow Digger over and over.

That book still makes me wanna hurl.

Mum thought that she was
being kind to him — like,...

trying to love him when no one
else did. But... I think she just
confused him.

So, you do have feelings.

Nah.

Not many.

If any.

THE CHECKS' 'WHAT YOU HEARD' PLAYS

Foxy.
Wolfy.

Your parents are so cool.

I guess you're wondering
where Boyd is. I dumped him.

You must be real bummed.

You and Billy, you were
like stepbrothers. Van?

Where are you going? ]
What do you care?

Thought I might get a lift.

Yeah, f*ckin' typical —
run out on us.

Mum needed more tonic. Why
have you got your balaclava?

No reason.

Are you doing something stupid?

Nah.

Jethro.
Allen.

Heard Wolf's out.
Yeah.

Shit.

Bastard!

What are you doing, you f*ck?!
His son just died!

Allen! Allen!

Let him alone.
After everything that
I've done for you!

(GROANS)

Oh, mate. Come on.

It wasn't him!

Hey! Hey! It wasn't him.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, shit. God, somebody
get us a cloth!

Arsehole!

Everything.

Everything I worked for,
it's down the crapper.

I have got cops, Road Transport, IRD
— all of them. They're all over me.

I'm sorry.

(SIGHS)

So, if it wasn't Eric...

It was me.

Oh, bullshit.
You're protecting someone.

I was sitting in there going out of
my f*cking mind, Allen. Cos I know
how you feel about her.

Jesus, Allen, you didn't
give me a choice.

Spending every day with Cheryl,
giving her money, making her feel
special...

Stop me. Tell me I'm wrong here.

Nah, you're not... you're not wrong.

I love her.

She's the mother of my kids.

And I would do anything —
anything— to keep her.

Even if it means crapping on one of
my best mates. Now, you look at her
and you tell me I'm wrong.

(SIGHS)

Nah, mate. Cheryl's class.

Now, I've done a shitty thing to
you, but I will make it up to you.

I'll be out in no time. I've got
plans. You can be in or just take
profit.

All I want is to be square on this.

All right.

All right.

Right.

You didn't f*ck her, did you?

Jesus, no.

How's that brew?

It's all right, love. All sorted.

CRICKETS CHIRP

It's closed.

Yeah... Yeah, but it's
supposed to be hour.

Not today, obviously.

Yeah, but... hour, it-it's,
like, all day, you know, every day.

What the f*ck are you doing?

What does it look like?

You're making a d*ck of yourself.
Why are you making a d*ck of
yourself? Do you need money?

No, I don't need money. Corky
needs money for Dad's appeal.

So you're robbing this service
station to pay to get Dad out
of jail?

Yeah. Well, that was the plan.

Good plan (!)

You do know how much
lawyers charge, right?

So?

You'll probably have to do the
Caltex down the road, too, and the
one on the—

f*ck you.

Yep, f*ck me.

We can take you to A & E.

No, I'm all right, Cheryl.
You've done enough.

Ice — that's what you need. And
a brandy. I know first aid, cos my
son did Sea Scouts.

Really?

You right?
Yeah.

Well, it's a regular
celebration, isn't it (?)

Why are you still angry?
(SCOFFS)

Allen's all right.
It's all all right.

Yeah (!)

Noise Control.
You know what to do.

Hall cupboard.

If you're still mad about what
I did, then that's fair enough.

But look at this, Cheryl — the worst
thing that could happen to anyone —
and... we're making it all right.

We've still got kids. Good kids.

They're bright, they're beautiful,
they're not screwed up, they're not
on P. They're not like Billy.

And that's because
of us. You and me. ]

But if you don't want that, you let
me know right now. Cos if that's the
case, I'm out of here.

You're telling me
you're gonna escape?

Why not? If you don't want me, then
what's the point — of any of it?

You all right with that?

Yeah, got it.

I'm not bullshitting you. I'll go.

When you're here, it's
like you never left.

Come and have a drink, love.

So, no hard feelings?

Nah.

Good on you, mate.

HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYS

One for the road, eh?

No. I need to get you home.
You need looking after, Eric.

Yeah, no, no, I'm all
right, thanks, Cheryl.

Night, Eric, Rochelle.

Take care of yourself, eh.

Yeah, no, that's right. Yeah, good.

Love you, Eric. And Billy.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, good.

She is so going to root him.

Pity root. That and she's
old and desperate.

BOTH LAUGH DRUNKENLY

Hey,...

I didn't really wanna root Billy.
Me neither.

I was mostly doing it
to make Van jealous. ]

Van?

Yeah. I've always had something for
Van. He's just so cute and lonely.

It was so much simpler
when we were younger.

Let's always be friends.

Yeah, and tell me I'm not a ho.

You are not a ho.

So, these... plans of yours...

Thanks, love.

HEAVY-METAL GUITAR SOLO CONTINUES

PLASTIC BAG RUSTLES

Van, cigarettes won't get Dad out of
jail. The service-station idea was
better.

Yeah, well, at least I'm
having ideas — not like you.

What should I do, Van?

Uh, I don't know — lawyer stuff (?)
I mean, it's your fault Dad's in
prison.

Hey, Dad's inside cos he got—

CHILD: I'm not scared
of you, so get out!

Yeah, in a minute, kid. Because of
the example set by Mr Mummy's Boy,
we've had to be all honest,

so there's no money left
for Dad's appeal.

Get out now!

Yeah, give it a rest, Rambo.

Why aren't you asleep?

My parents say I'm hyperactive.

Oh, y-you can get dr*gs for that.
What was that stuff Billy was on?

Dunno. Didn't bloody work, whatever
it was. And I am not a mummy's boy.
Tonic.

Put that back!

Yeah, keep your hair on.

Put that back, or
I'll call the cops.

Tuesday night, there's only two
cops patrolling the whole of West
Auckland. Here.

Hey, come back with that stuff!

White-trash bastards.

(PANTS)

(LAUGHS)

You're getting fat. And lazy.

Yeah. That's what honesty does —
sitting behind a desk all day.

Never happen to me.

Nah, you'll spend the rest of
your life trying to be Dad.

Oh, f*ck off.

When you join him inside, you guys
can play catch in the exercise yard.

I get enough of this shit from Mum.

Oh, grow up, Van. Be your own man,
not who Dad wants you to be.

Dad didn't tell me
to do this, did he?

No, Van, you thought up the crime
of the century all by yourself —
well done (!)

What's funnier than your
pathetic bag of goodies

is that you did what he would have
done, only he'd have done it better.
And that's the story of your life.

Jesus. ]

I love you, Van, but you have gotta
start doing your own shit for a
change.

Before you end up a dead
loser, like Billy.

(PANTS)

I'll see you back at the house.

(PANTS, GROANS)

(PANTS)

(SPITS)

DOOR CLOSES ]

Thought you'd buggered off.

JETHRO: Mum needed tonic. ]

She's gone to bed.

Gone to Australia,
if she had any sense.

You can drop the attitude.

You piss all over her, then you
expect a warm f*ckin' welcome?

You're the big man, eh (?)

Oh, whatever.

Eh?

Mr 'I work in Town. I Wear a Suit'.

It's better than being in prison.

(SIGHS)

You had so much potential, boy.

Brains,...

aptitude.

And what did you do with it?
Sent it to the uni-varsity.

Oh, thank God Mum
doesn't buy your shit.

LORETTA MOANS PASSIONATELY

(SIGHS ORGASMICALLY)

Oh, you had me worried
there for a while.

(SIGHS)

So that was convincing?
I thought I'd try it out.

What? You were faking?

(LAUGHS)

Aw.

I don't get you.

Oh, not at all.

Hey,... look, don't be pissed off,
OK? You've done me the most
enormous, humungous favour.

But you didn't enjoy it.

I am sick of getting hassled by my
sister, who had sex before she was
even in high school.

Is that what this is about? Some
competition with your sister?

Do you really think
I'm that shallow?

It's for my film. It needs a sex
scene, but Kurt says I can't write
that when I haven't done it,

which is a bit ironic, considering
the movie is full of brain-dead
zombies,

and I haven't experienced them.
Unless you count my sister, who—

Do you want to see me again?

No offence, but...

no.

I thought so.

Don't be angry.

I really owe you. Thanks to you,
I'm no longer the last -year-old
virgin in West Auckland.

You're ?

You did him proud, love — Billy.

Can't believe Eric got
off with Rochelle.

BOTH LAUGH

She's gonna be so sorry
in the morning.

There's gotta be some
consolations, eh?

Things can't be the same
when you get out.

You know? They're different now.

There are no prizes for suffering,
love. Nobody thanks you for it.

I appreciate what I got.

You gotta admit, it's been good.

Most of it.

Yeah, it has.

I'm not gonna change, love.

I am who I am. I-I'm not some bloke
who... goes off to work in the
morning.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's true.

[ KNOCK AT DOOR

[ PAUL: Wolf.

Yeah, yeah.

We gotta go. ]

Bye, Dad.

Bye, princess.

Bye, darling.
Bye, Dad.

Where's Van?

Dunno.

You all right to drive?
Yeah.

I might sit up front this
time. Better view.

I've broken every regulation so far.

You can tell me what you've
been doing with my daughter.

He's kind of cute, that prison guy.

Uh-huh.

He was in your room the whole time.

Uh-huh.

Let's just say you're still a
slut, but I'm no longer a virgin.

True?

And now I never ever
have to do it again.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Come on, Billy!
We're doing it, Billy!

What the f*ck?

ENGINE STOPS

Come on, get out!

[ Shit, Wolf, you promised.

Come on, Dad! Run!

No. Leave it.

I'll sort it, OK?

[ Dad, come on!

Now's your chance. Munter's mum's
got a house down in Coromandel—

You've done me proud, eh.

Did Billy proud, too. Now, why don't
you go home and look after your
mother for me, eh? Go.

ENGINE STARTS

When I met your father, I was .

I was a year older than Loretta
and a couple of years younger than
Pascalle is now. Oh, I...

I was working in my folks' dairy,
and he came in to ask for a packet
of Winfields.

And I said, 'Smoking's bad for you.'

He said, 'Not as bad asIcan be.'

Well, that's romantic (!)

Oh, I know you think I'm weak.

But you know that thing that happens
when people first get together?

You know, the... smell of them
can take you up to heaven,

the touch of them can light up
the grid from here to Bluff.

It's meant to fade away after
you have kids, all that.

But not me and Wolf.

Never has.

He just has to touch me and I— Oh,
I'm sorry. You don't wanna hear—

It's OK.

Mum, you don't have to worry
about the money. Or Corky.

And he's crap, Mum.
He's a crap lawyer.

What do you mean?

I will do the appeal.
No.

No, look, you love him, and I'll go
with that. OK? I'll do it for you.

I do love him.

But I can see my life with him here.

Everyone laughing, Noise Control
turning up and taking the crap
stereo,

Van doing burglaries, Wolf doing
deals. It's the same as it ever was.

But it's like... when you turn the
lights on in a room full of mess.

You've seen it, and it's too late.
You know the mess is there.

I worked it out.

If I wanna lead this life
the way I want to,...

my marriage is over.

I...

I can't...

be with your father any more.

So...

no money for Corky, all right?
Don't do the appeal.

It's better if your
father stays in prison.

(SIGHS) I have such a headache.

I'll get you some water.

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.' ♪