01x07 - Foul Deeds Will Rise

[bunniefuu]

I just knew.

Knew what, exactly?

Your customer Margaret
was my old mate Mark.

The old firm's back
in business, then.

(GRUNTS)

What do you want?

Not to go to school again.

Whatever happens,
just go with the flow.

You know it's rude to take a phone
call when a lady is doing this...
to you.

DOGS BARK IN DISTANCE

CHERYL: Pascalle!

But you hate bowls.
No, I don't.

You said any sport that doesn't have
a horse you can bet on is f*cking
pointless.

I can change me mind. I'm in with
the bigwigs now — Margaret's on
the committee.

Good as a bought one.

You still got that old thing?

'Course. Me bag of tricks, this.

Pascalle!

[ IMPETUOUSLY: What?
Can you put these away, please?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello, Loretta.
Margaret's here.

Hi, Margaret.

OK, we're off for a roll-up.

Ooh, go, Grandpa.

Not that kind of
roll-up, idiot. Bowls.

You told them?
What?

Our thing.

Oh yeah. Margaret and
I are moving in together.

We're gonna buy a little
unit. Right, let's go.

Tell them where.

Tauranga.

[ Bloody hell.

Well, I'm thrilled for you.

Thank you. It means a lot to us
knowing you're happy that we're
happy.

How can you afford it?

I've got a bob or two. Margaret's
got money from her old job.

Yeah, exactly. Loretta, you don't
wanna let details stand in the way
of happiness, do you?

Good-oh.

(WHISTLES) Come on.

Van, can you get a haircut?
Eh?

And you need to get a new tie and
borrow one of your brother's suits.

What for?
Jethro's being barred.

(GROANS)

Jethro's being admitted to the bar,
Pascalle. I want us all looking
fabulous.

f*ck, do we still have to go?

Yeah. Because you are proud
of your brother's achievements.

Dickwad.

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ She coming to my house. ♪

You're so selfish.
Why?

You're only thrilled about Grandpa
cos you won't have to look after
him.

So?
So it's just wrong.

Look, he's happy, she's happy, I'm
happy — where's the wrong in that?

You know she's a man, don't you?

Who is?
Margaret.

She is a he.

Mum.

Margaret is Mark — as in Mount Eden.
Shared a cell with Grandpa, like,
a million years ago.

Mark — snip, snip — Margaret.

INCREDULOUSLY: Get the f*ck out.

Grandpa is shacked up with a tr*nny.

Oh well.
Oh well?

Yeah. If he-she makes him happy,
and he-she obviously does, well,
you know...

All you can see is that he'll be
out of the house so someone else
will babysit him.

I have never thought of looking
after your grandfather as
babysitting.

Liar.

Look, Margaret is a very nice...
woman who used to be a very nice
man.

Who the f*ck are we to judge?

Margaret/Mark is also
on the run from the cops.

He escaped from prison years ago.

Shit.

Oh well.
What?!

Look, if you think about it
logically — even if the cops
are still after him years on,

they're hardly likely to be looking
for a middle-aged woman, are they?
I mean, really. (CHUCKLES)

After the ceremony, all the lawyers
go into another room, we strip off,
oil up.

That's when we do naked wrestling.

I was getting off
on the spanking idea.

That's when they make me a judge.

Oh, of course.

Just the wrestling this time.

(LAUGHS) You beast, you.

I wish I could be there.

I wish you could too.

Damn your sister and her shitty
blackmail. All I want is for us
to be a normal, out couple.

First you'd have to
dispose of Loretta.

There's a thought.
Yeah.

I've got a few ideas.
Loretta.

Mr Smail.

Tummy bug all over
and done with, I trust.

Oh yeah, thanks.

And your mum — how's she doing? ]

After the hysterectomy?
It was quite invasive—

Loretta, you know I'm worried
about you, don't you?

And I'm glad that
you're there for me.

You've got a lot of work to make up
in your level-one credits. Including
your speech.

My speech?
Presentation of intergenerational
familial relationships. Six credits.

Who-I-love-most-in-my-family speech.

This weekend.

Yeah. All over that.

Call him off.
I beg your pardon?

Get Smail off my case.

I can't tell a teacher not to teach.

You're deputy principal — you can
tell a teacher whatever you like.

No, I can't.

Jesus, I'm lying enough
for you as it is.

No, you're not. If you were lying
enough for me, I wouldn't have Smail
up my arse.

I still have the photos, Caroline.
And Jethro looks so fetching in his
school uniform.

Oh.
And that face you're
making. On the desk.

Underneath him.

(SIGHS)

Shit.

Shit.

♪ Sweet little girl, I...

♪ I've been thinking.

♪ I bet you know

♪ what I thought.

♪ You and me, we were...

♪ going fishing

♪ on a sea... ♪

Excellent game.

Hey, photo time.

Big hero.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

It's a big weekend. There'll be
visiting players, hangers on,
opening and closing do.

Bar take'll be around , grand.

Lovely jubbly.

After the speeches and prize-giving,
they'll party up until Dermott gets
pissed off and wants to go home.

What time's that?
Oh, he'll have them
through the door by .

LOCK CLUNKS
He pours himself a Scotch.

Good on him.

And then starts the cash-up.

By , the whole place will
be tucked up for the night.

We'll go in after that.

And Bob's your uncle.

(LAUGHS)

(GROWLS)

Ooh, you're bad.

Am I, now?

(GROWLS)

I don't want you to go.

You can come and visit me.

It won't be the same.

Grandpa, have you really really
thought about this? About leaving
us all? I'm not bullshitting.

Yeah, your mum seems real
cut up about the idea (!)

Forget about her. What about me?

You're the only one in this f*cked
up family that understands me.

I'm gonna miss you too, love.

But there is a life out there and
I've got a few years left in me.

Life? In Tauranga?

People go to die there.

(CHUCKLES) Nice try. But I love
Margaret. I want to be with her.

Well, how do you know it'll last?
[ 'Course it'll last.

She's run out on you before.

Mark ran out on the
authorities, not me.

What about Grandma?
[ What about her?

The one true love of
your life — your words.

Rita wouldn't begrudge happiness.

So this is you thinking about you
and to hell with the memory of the
woman you lived with for years.

My grandmother. The woman who you
swore on her deathbed would be the
only love of your life.

STERNLY: Don't you dare.

Don't you dare try this Rita
shit on me to get what you want!

PETULANTLY: OK.

Fine. Now you've hooked up with
Margaret, obviously Grandma's
memory means sweet f*ck all.

But you know what? Do what you want.

DOOR OPENS

Just leave us her
photo when you go, eh?

What?

Just do what the nice teacher asks —
pull your head in and do the work.

Shit, it's not like
school's any big challenge.

Exactly. It's a waste of my time.

So I come to you and tell you that
Smail put his hand up my skirt.
What?!

You back me up, we take it to the
Board — Smail gets the boot, problem
disappears.

I can't do that. Graeme Smail
is one of our best teachers.

Shame he's into
touching young girls.

Even for you that's low.

Like you two can hog the
high ground on the subject.

Look, either Smail goes and I get
on with my life, or the Ministry
of Education gets the photos.

It's stunningly
straightforward, really.

The Law Society letter again?

Mm.

Are you gonna send it this time?

In fairness, the Wests haven't
done anything the last few months.

You being the West expert (!)

It's all about history, Glen.

All about not changing your spots.

Now, all I need is an excuse.

Older model.

Cylinders will have
a bit of wear and tear.

Almost feel guilty.

They're nice, the bowling crowd —
kind of down-home and trusting.
If only they knew.

What do you think Rita
would make of this?

The job?
Oh, she'd be tickled
pink about the job.

I made her a promise.
When she was dying.

I swore there'd never
be another woman.

Well, you can squeak out of
that one on a technicality.

Yeah, I know.

What's brought all this on?

Loretta gave me a rark-up.
She's a bit upset about us leaving.

Is she?

[ She adored Rita.

Yes, well, I can see how she would.

I'll try and talk
some sense into her.

If that doesn't work,
I'll beat it into her.

f*ck her. f*ck her. I can't actually
take it any more. She can splatter
her pictures from here to...

I don't care. I do not care.

Don't call her bluff. She will use
the photos. It'll be career su1c1de.
They'll tear you apart.

Uh, and that is somehow worse than
living on my f*cking knees in thrall
to a -year-old?

And why? All because no one's ever
had the guts to say no to Loretta.

Only reason I don't want to stick
it to the little bitch is you.

Don't worry about me.

Jethro, if she outs us, you know...

Look, I bet I'm not the only baby
lawyer in town that had sex with
his teacher.

Sure, I had sex with a girl teacher,
but the Law Society can't reject me
on the grounds of good taste.

True.

Jesus, Jethro, don't go
getting all hillbilly on me.

Caroline and I have
come to a decision.

[ Excellent.

The blackmail stops. As of now.

Jethro, don't be a d*ck.

Do what you want with the photos.

Nice try. Now go away.

Enough, Loretta. Use the photographs
or don't use the photographs —
whatever.

The point is — either have the balls
to do it or shut the f*ck up.

You have thought about the
consequences. If I use those photos—

Have you?

Meaning?

You want Mum to find out you've
been blackmailing the DP?

Not to mention the serial truancy
and your little part-time job at
the video store.

Jeez, I'd hate for Mum to find out
about the whole Maori side of our
family she never knew she had (!)

Or your bosses. That probably
wouldn't go down too well, would
it? And you getting fired.

Would put a bit of a dent in the
'my son's a lawyer and the sun
shines out of his arse' thing.

Yep. If you wanted to break her
heart, that'd be the perfect way
to go about it.

SOFTLY: Over to you.

Are you OK?
What a f*cking stupid
question that is.

Well, I...
Why can't I just live the way I say?

Well, actually, most
of the time you do.

Me getting what I want —
is that too much to ask?

Who isn't letting you? ]

My bloody brother and
stupid girlfriend.

Oh, is this the blackmail thing?

It was not blackmail. It was two
people getting what they want out
of a tricky situation.

What?

Well, you know, like, as
a way of getting things,

I can understand how the photo thing
might be seen as blackmail by some,
which might kind of bum them.

I don't have the photos.

Eh?

When Jethro kept breaking into
my room trying to find them,
I hid them at Grandpa's place.

They went up in flames
when his unit burnt down.

Far out.

And now I have to go to school.

I have no reason to live.

Loretta.

For speech night, do invite the
whole family along. The more,
the merrier.

You haven't met my family.

Quite the little
stirrer, aren't we? ]

I don't know what you mean.

You got your grandfather in a real
state the other day. Over the late
Rita.

Is that so?

I look at you, Loretta, and you
really are the living image of her.

Thank you.

The evil bitch.

How f*cking dare you.

Get your snout out of business
that doesn't concern you.

What do you want from him? I mean,
God, he's ancient — why bother?

Don't underestimate your
grandfather. He still has
his dreams. And ambitions.

Repeat a word of this conversation
and I'll deny that it ever took
place.

And then I'll come and rip
your f*cking tongue out.

HARD-ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

DOOR OPENS

Loretta here?
Uh, she's in her room.

Hey, is there gonna be free
piss at this thing of yours?

Definitely. And a stripper.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Awesome.

Yeah.

School project?

Something like that.

Caroline thought you'd visit today.

I was in class — being bored off
my nut. What more does she want?

Be nice if you told her
what you're gonna do.

I'm not a nice person, apparently.

I'm not gonna use the photos.

Why?

Can't do it to Mum.

(SNICKERS) Well, that's nice (!)

See? I can be nice.

Yeah, it's also total bullshit.

Give me the photos.
I told you — I'm not gonna use them.

Yep. And now I want them.
[ You don't trust me?

Let me count the ways.

You don't have them, do you?

'Course I've got them.

What happened to
the photos, Loretta?

I'll never tell you.
(LAUGHS) You don't have them, do
you? Ah, dear, dear, dear. Kia kaha.

Study hard. It's the way
forward for our people.

Piss off!

Hey, Loretta.

CAMERA BEEPS

CAMERA BEEPS

Oh God. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

I'm just the messenger.

No more secrets.

Well, I guess not.

Oh my God. I can finally
look your mother in the eye.

Oh my God, you can
actually meet my mother.

And we could even have lunch. It'd
be, like, 'Mum, this is Jethro, my
partner.'

We're gonna need a cover story —
why we've kept it quiet for so long.

Discretion's good. You don't want
people knowing you're going out with
an old student.

Until, however, I happened to meet
you again all those years later in
a bar.

Yeah, I suppose you could say that.

Yeah, yeah. And at first I was a
little apprehensive with the whole
age-difference thing —

me being older and more
experienced and everything.

My God, we can actually be a real
couple and do real couple things.

Yeah.

In that case,... Ms Darling, would
you do me the honour of attending
my admittance to the bar?

Mm.

Are you letting me win?

Shit, I was gonna ask
you the same question.

How's the bowls tournament going?

I think we lost.

You think?

I don't know. Stupid bloody sport.

So why do you play?

I like the company.

I give up.

I have to go and finish
my speech, anyway.

It's about you.

What the f*ck do you want
to talk about me for?

Just do.

So are you gonna talk
about me in your speech?

You'll find out.

I don't actually want to go.

We're all going.

You don't have to. Really.

What? Miss two of my kids being
fabulous in the same week?

There's no way I'm going
back to stupid school.

Great. Works for me.

Good.

You hate bowls.

If you'd prefer, I can take me
clothes off and dance around naked.

Have you remembered my
speech thing, Grandpa?

Sure, love.

When was that again?

Tonight, Grandpa.

Right.

What time is that again?

. .

You'll be there. You'll be home
and tucked up in bed by .

Looking forward to it.

Cool.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hey, Cheryl.
Wayne. What can I do for you?

Nothing, actually.

But Ted, on the other hand...

Come in (!)

What do you want?

Your old cellmate, Mark —
have you seen him lately?

I have, actually. Disappeared over
the hedge with a bunch of guys in
blue behind him.

Not years ago. Recently.

That is recently, as
far as I'm concerned.

What about her?

Who's she?

You don't recognise her? Not
surprised, really. Fake name,
bunch of fake addresses.

Not even a real person,
as far as I can tell.

But if you do see her,
you'll let me know, eh?

I don't get out much these days.

I hear Jethro's admission
to the bar's coming up soon.
Sunday.

Really? Damn. Running out
of time to post that letter.

Why? You just have
to invent a reason.

It's odd that you can oppose someone
becoming a lawyer on the grounds
they're not of good character.

But ever met a lawyer that was?

Why don't we have a drink after
the ceremony and you can entertain
me some more with that theory (!)

Is that a date, Cheryl?
Close as you'll ever get, Wayne.

I'd keep thinking about that.

Kids, I want a private
word with Grandpa. Go.

Is this gonna be a problem, Ted?

My problem, not yours.

If it fucks up Jethro's
career, it is my problem.

It won't. Then we'll be in
Tauranga and problem all gone.

Best she doesn't come round to
the house any more, all right?

They'll be hanging
round your house now.

I'm not stupid. I'm not going home.

Look, we can't go ahead
with it. It's just—

No, we're not calling the job off.

They're after you.

And they won't find me. We'll do
the job, get the money and then
we'll disappear together.

We'll be OK.

But we will have to
bring the job forward.

Why?

The committee are worried about
having all that money on the
premises until Monday.

They think someone's gonna steal it?

We'll get in as soon
as Dermott locks up.

What?

Nothing.

There's somewhere
else you need to be?

No.

PEOPLE CHATTER

God, there's too many
memories in this room.

Didn't you spend most of school
down the back of the gym?
Mrs West.

Graeme Smail. Loretta's
social-studies teacher.

Hi.
I'd love to talk to
after the speeches.

Sure.

Hi.

Hi.

Cheryl, Pascalle.
Ms Darling.

Oh, Caroline.

Mum, did I mention Caroline and I
recently started seeing each other?

Eww. Didn't you used to teach him?

Um, yeah, a long time ago,
when I was a junior teacher.

Where's Grandpa?
Dunno.

He'll be here, love. Don't worry.

Why didn't he come with you guys?

He never came home from bowls.

Ha.

INTRIGUE MUSIC

Look at you.

Wow. Look at you.

Thank you for coming tonight. Our
first speaker for this evening is
James Anderson.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Ooh, shit, sorry.

As you know, the subject of tonight
is family. Or a member of our family
who has truly inspired us.

From my family, that inspiration
comes also from our faith—

I need to go on last.

We can't change the order
just for you, Loretta.

He'll be here. He's obviously
just running late.

Even so.

He's my koro.

I see.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Well done, Keisha.

Loretta, you're either
on now or not at all.

Families, huh? You know what they
say — 'You can choose your friends,'
etc, etc.

Too true. But my family's OK.
Averagely dysfunctional.

We don't have a serial k*ller
or an axe m*rder*r in the clan.

We do have a lawyer. Or in a minute,
he'll be a lawyer. That keeps me
awake at night.

Imagine, though, a family member
who, from the time you're , you
know is the one to watch.

The one who’s going to teach you the
valuable lessons in life. Like how
to figure the odds on a quinella.

How to inflict pain on your brothers
and win all their money at poker.

This man is my paternal grandfather,
Theodore Francis West. Also known as
Ted.

And also known, in his prime,
as the finest safe cr*cker of
his generation.

This was a practical career choice —
he married young, he had a family to
feed.

And so he did it all in his
own inimitable fashion.

It's kind of a romantic picture,
maybe — the lone wolf, the maverick
stalking the streets at night.

But there was more to it than just
breaking and entering. Ted West was
meticulous, a perfectionist.

He was an artist. He planned every
job down to the tiniest detail.

KEYPAD BEEPS

He was weirdly superstitious. Like,
he'd always lay out all his tools in
a certain order.

And us kids were never allowed to
touch the bag he kept them in —
this crummy old leather one.

And he had amazing hands.
Really really supple.

He used to joke about insuring his
fingers, because they were the tools
of his trade.

Grandpa was never into big flashy
jobs. Although, one time, he did
do over a bank,

on a matter of principle. 'Thieving,
smarmy pack of mongrels.' His words,
not mine.

No, Grandpa's turf was
TABs, the odd racetrack...

and sports clubs. He only ever
worked alone or with people he
trusted.

Um... No one ever got hurt. His
philosophy was, 'Keep it small,
keep it quiet,...

'and do your research.'

He's retired now. Hung
up his hat, so to speak.

f*cking bastard.

Um,... Grandpa lives with us now.
He sometimes goes a bit strange and
sometimes loses the plot.

But he's still sharp as a tack.

SAFE CLICKS OPEN

And he is, quite literally,
my very oldest and best friend.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Jethro, give me your car keys.
Why?

Give them to me.

No, you haven't got your licence.
And you drive like a maniac.

ENGINE STARTS

TYRES SCREECH

I've been reading up
on gender reassignment.

You what?
Sex change operations.
It's cheapest in Thailand.

Glen, you really are a sad bugger.

It's really interesting. See, it all
depends on the size of your d*ck.

They, um, use it to make a vag*na.
So if you have a small one...

We met at a bar. One thing
led to another. Yeah.

Well, she seems, um, very nice.

Yep.

For your teacher.

Caroline, can I borrow your
cellphone? My car's been stolen.

No way. Where was it?

Right outside.

KOOKY MUSIC PLAYS

Didn't they just call
in a stolen blue Mazda?

What?

There was a blue Mazda.

Where?

Well, it's gone now.

Nah, nah, don't worry about it.
We've got bigger fish to fry.

Just like the old days.

The best of the old days.

You sure you want to go home?

I need to walk off
the buzz. And pack.

I'll pick you up tomorrow.

Lovely.

And then we'll go.

TYRES SCREECH

What was it again? He’s still
got dreams and ambitions?

He's old. He doesn't know what he's
doing, and you've got him knocking
over safes

to fund your f*cking
retirement at the Mount?

OK, here’s what's
going to happen now.

You're going to take your cash and
you’re going to go a very very long
way away.

Yes, I am.

With him.

Grandpa's a bit old for
that Bonnie and Clyde shit.

Having the cops after you —
not so romantic at his age.

I figured it was you. You know,
it'll k*ll Ted when he finds out his
favourite granddaughter's a nark.

No, it won't. Because you are never
gonna tell him. You're leaving town
tonight. Alone.

Can't do that. I love him.

You love him enough to
go back inside? Mark?

You little...

bitch.
Because you'll definitely go down
for this. Or you can just disappear.

You can take your money, get
on with your so-called life...

and no one gets hurt.

It's your choice.

Night, love. Thank you
for dropping me home.

No worries.

I got bored, so I walked home.

Oh, Loretta, you know what kind
of scum's out there on the streets.

I'm so sorry your grandpa wasn't
there to see your speech.

Yeah.
He would have been chuffed.
Did you see him when you got home?

Yeah, yeah, he was already in bed.

That's good. You — go home.
You've got a big day tomorrow.

Night, Mum.
[ Night.

So, you're into car theft now.
I had reasons.

Christ. If the cops had picked
you up driving a teacher's car—

The car is parked at the mall.

SCOFFS: Oh. Oh, good (!)
That's fantastic (!)

You don't think consequences. You
know what Mum's like about tomorrow
and you go pull a stunt like this.

You could have been arrested and
charged and stuffed up f*cking
everything.

I had my reasons, OK. And
you wouldn't understand.

(RADIO) MAN: In West Auckland,
a lawn-bowls tournament has ended
badly

with the theft of thousands
of dollars of bar takings.

Described by police as a
thoroughly professional job,
the club's safe was opened and—

Did Grandpa definitely
come home last night?

Yeah.

And slept in his bed in this house?

Mum, Grandpa wouldn't be capable.

Was that the phone for me?

Phone didn't go, Grandpa.

I'll make you some toast
in a minute, Ted. ]

Well, he's definitely not OK.
No.

Not to put too fine a point on it —
I really don't want him going loopy
on us. Not today.

I can stay and look after
him. Jethro won't mind.

It would be such a shame
if you missed it.

Yeah, but, do you
really want him there?

You may be seated.

Do you swear by almighty God that
you will truly and honestly conduct
yourselves

in the practice of a barrister
and solicitor to the best of
your knowledge and ability?

Will you please acknowledge the
taking of the oath by saying,
'I do,' after I call your name?

Jethro Theodore West.

I do.

Thanks.

He's always been different to the
rest of us, Jethro. You've obviously
been a really great influence.

Oh, I don't know about that.
No stopping him, really.

Yeah.

Yeah, people say they
know me all the time.

Jethro.

Congratulations. Good man.

Cheers, dude.

It's cos I'm a model. The
Westside Autoparts flyer.

No, no, no.
In the hot pants. Holding
the shock absorber.

You're not a dancer, are you?

No.

Hey, Tracey.
Van.

How's it going?

What are you doing here?

My brother got barred, eh.

What are you doing here?

A couple of my cousins got admitted.

Cool.

Yeah, excuse me.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Tracey Hong. I don't believe
I've had the pleasure.

Jethro West.
Congratulations.

Thank you.
Van didn't mention to me that
he had an identical twin.

Well, now you know.

Yes, I do.

Come on, you.

Come on, come on. Quickly, quickly.

OK. Everyone say, 'Who's
the big poof in the wig?'

Oh, Van, don't be an egg.

Just take the photo.

We're all gonna say, 'Screw Sergeant
Judd and his bloody letter.'

ALL: Screw Sergeant Judd
and his bloody letter.

I guess it was a hoax.

Yeah.

Can I just say that even though
you've hardly said anything,

it's been great sitting in the
car with you the last two days.

I've learnt a lot. And I think
we really got close, you know?

But I won't mention
that in my report.

RADIO BLEEPS

D sarg, D sarg, calling if off.
All units go back to base.

My diamond in the rough
turned out good.

He did.

I love you.

Night.

Night.

She's not coming, Grandpa.

You don't know that.

She ran out on you
once before, remember?

There has to be a reason
she didn't turn up.

Well, maybe she didn't really love
you. At least, not the way Grandma
did.

She's coming to pick me up.

FALTERINGLY: We're
going away together.

Yeah, I know.

But I'm still here.

And I'm not going anywhere.

Sometimes you're so
like your grandmother.

So I've been told.