02x02 - Think Yourself a Baby

[bunniefuu]

Who's been setting the rules?

Whipping up knickers on the moral
high ground, no clue what's been
going on.

Where were you for the last six
months? Oh, singing with the Vienna
Boys' Choir (!)

Well, I'm back now.

And isn't that great (?)

And I'm scared because... my baby's
gonna grow up without a father.

What? You're...?

That's right, I'm knocked up, way
up the duff. I'm so f*cking pregnant
you wouldn't believe it.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS, WOMEN WHOOP

MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS

I need a piss.

Good luck.

Could you please come a bit sooner?
It's just I've got a really
important exam tomorrow.

WEARILY: OK. Thank you.

Shut up, you slags!

(SIGHS)
Those useless noise-control bastards
say they'll be at least an hour.

This is like the Blitz.

Grandpa, you weren't in the Blitz.

It was a lot like this.

It's going really well up there.

Oh, we're all so pleased (!)

Uh, hi, Rochelle.

Hi, Eric.

Look, I've gotta ask —

is it mine?

What?
The baby.

After our night of passion.

Oh, that night of passion where you
got me drunk and tried to have it
away, but couldn't get it up?

So it's not mine?

No.

What?

Maybe it's Mr Fertile's.

Oh, shut up, slag.

Yeah. Who's Draska's
sweet daddy now, eh?

Shut up, you d*ke!

Hey! All of you shut up.

Well, if it's any consolation,
now we all know how you feel,
being a prisoner in your own home.

(SIGHS) I still need a piss.

Watch out for the lesbian rugby
players, or friends of Loretta,
as we call them.

(CHUCKLES)

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

WOMEN WHOOP

Jesus Christ.

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

You've got five minutes
to empty this place.

Fine. You do it.

Come on, Wolf, this is my
business. Get used to it.

♪ My best friend dances
better than I can-can. ♪

It's not a lot to ask, Cheryl.

Oh, come on, Wolf, it's
our best night yet.

Oh, goody (!) So you're buying
me a Holden with our millions?

To drive on the back lawn?

For Christ's sake, it's not fair on
the family having these things every
other night. Do it somewhere else

Christ, Wolf, I can't
afford the bloody Hilton.

So that's what this is about —
money. Would a bit of venture
capital give me my bathroom back?

Since when was home
detention profitable?

I'm not saying I have the money,
just that I could find it.

We've moved on from all of that.

So you keep telling me.

All you have to do is ask.

So you keep telling me.

Hmm, impressive.

You think?

Hmm, I've seen bigger.

No, it's not the size that matters,
it's the way it fits your hand.

Ohh.

Oh, like that?

(GIGGLES) It's a lovely
leaving present.

And Mr Stierson's speech
was also lovely.

Oh yeah.

Uh, on behalf of Trapman Stierson,
I would like to present you, Jethro,
with this specially blessed taonga

LAUGHS: May it help fight the
battles of your people. (JABBERS)

Sorry I laughed at that bit.

Nah, it's OK. You covered it well
with your little coughing thing.

Haere, haere, haere.

(GASPS) Ooh.

You are a very naughty... (GIGGLES)

A naughty what?

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

(GROANS SOFTLY)

Yeah. Yeah.

Ohh yeah.

You like that, don't you, baby?

(GROANS)

Draska.
Yeah, baby?

What the f*ck are you doing?

I just thought I'd show there was
no hard feelings. Although something
feels pretty hard.

That's cos I thought you were
Hayley Westenra. You can't just
come into a guy's room and do that.

Shh, just go back to sleep.
You know you wanna.

Yeah, maybe if you
were Hayley. Get out.

Come on, Van. I still want you,
and I know you still want me.
No, I don't.

And we can do anything you want. The
best thing is you don't have to wear
a condom,

cos I can't get any less pregnant.

No.

No. No.

You don't mean that.

Yeah, I do.
No, you don't.

Yeah, I really do.

Does someone wanna tell me
what the f*ck's going on here?

Draska was just leaving.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, I don't know
what the f*ck happened!

You've done what?

Taken over Corky's practice.

Well, what...?

What was wrong with where you were?

It was boring.

But all Corky's clients
are the scum of the earth.

Hang on — Corky was our lawyer.

Exactly. Did you know about this?

News to me, love.

Look, Trapman Stierson was all
fluoro lights, bad air conditioning
and cheap-suit wannabes, you know?

I wanna work for the real
people — people like us.

So you took over Corky's practice.

Yeah, well, Dad always said
a man should be his own boss.

Yeah, and look what he has to
wear around his ankle every day.

Cheers, love (!)

Well, I guess if you know
what you're doing...

I do.

If you wanna be your own boss,
though, you have to do your own
ironing.

You don't mean that.

(CHUCKLES) All right.
I'll see youse later.

Boo.

Ha ha, dickhead (!)

Oi.
What?

Come in here.

Last night.
Don't... I dunno.

The first thing I know, I wake up
and she's got her mouth wrapped
around my... you know.

I'm really f*ckin' late for work.

(GROANS) My first grandchild,
the spawn of the devil.

Well, Van got her pregnant.
Now he's going to see her right.

Why can't she just be a solo mum
like the rest of West Auckland?

Oh, Draska's all right.

A wee bit forward. They're a good
family, the Doslics. Been good
friends to us.

'Thieving Dally bastards'
it was last time.

Hey. The Dallies built West
Auckland. They're good, respectable
folk.

You mean they have money.

Unlike some of us.

(GIGGLES)

Shop assistant? When you said
you had a job, I thought it was
modelling.

Standing behind the counter
looking pretty is like modelling.

No, it's not. No, thanks.

Yes, thanks. I desperately need
someone to mind the shop.

My day-shift guy just quit.
And you? You're just desperate.

Am not.

No job, no money, no boyfriend.

Eight bucks an hour?

Piss off. I don't get out
of bed for less than .

Done.

Here's how to use the computer.
There's no big words, so you should
be fine.

Uh, how come you're trying to find
someone? You don't even work here.

I owe the manager a favour.

And you need to wear this.

Ew — fashion vacuum.

Oh, it smells like Kurt.

Well, you'd know.

Bye.

It's wrong. Add it again.

You do it. Bottom line is,
we're making sweet FA.

But we're a hit.

It doesn't matter how many order
forms I get — you can only make
so many lace thongs in a week.

And someone goes to the
loo every five minutes.

You try sewing with this thing doing
bloody Riverdance on your bladder.

Hey, hey. Maybe that Irish guy from
the Stevie Nicks concert — he's the
father.

The last thing I need's
a red-headed kid.

Look, it's not a matter of sewing
faster. What we need is more sewers,
and to get them, we need more money.

Well, what about Wolf's offer?

Who told you about that?

He did, last time I went to the loo.

I've gotta live with the grumpy git.
He's not touching my business.

Cheryl.
Mrs D?

You dirty, dirty bitch-woman.

What?
I love your knickers.

Oh. Yeah, well-well, great.

Hey, Mrs D.

Hey, Wolfie.

Yeah. I'm wearing them now.
The fluffy bits, they tickle me.

Well, well, I'm pleased they make
you happy. Do you wanna buy some
more?

I want to get into bed with you.
Yeah. Wolfie called me, said you're
looking for investors.

I say, 'Oh yes.' And Mr D
will sign a big fat cheque.

Isn't that great? The Doslics wanna
invest in Hoochie Mama. And Mrs D's
had a fantastic idea.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Draska.

She will be the next
hot Hoochie Mama model.

Bro, I told you to keep it sheathed.

Yeah, I did, man.

Then how come she's knocked up?

I don't know.

Bro, it just takes one time — just
one shot. Just one of your little
fullas sneaks through the goalpost.

I know, Mun, and every time the old
fella came out, he put his wetsuit
on.

Every time?
Every time. Except for
blow jobs, of course.

Amazing.

Yeah, not really.

No, I mean, like, amazing like a
mystery. You know? Like the Virgin
Mary.

Yeah, except that
Draska's no virgin.

Hey, maybe I'm latex-intolerant.

What?

I think it's where the sperms get
really angry cos they're trapped,
so they just bust on through.

No.
Yeah, yeah. They bust through
the little holes, man.

Bro, condoms don't have
holes. That's the point.

Oh, Munter.

Every surface on the planet has
holes, bro. You just need a really
powerful stethoscope to see them.

Bro, when I said amazing
mystery, what I meant was—

Hey, guys. What are you up to?

Munter.
Draska.

Hey, Van.
Yeah, hey.

Are we still on for this?
For what?

To look for baby stuff.
Remember, I told you.

No. ]
I did.

You wouldn't be that interested.

Nah, not really.

Mm.

See ya, bro.
Yeah, see ya, man.

See ya, bro.
Whatever.

Shall we go now?
Yeah. Actually, I should stay, cos
I've got the store to look after—

We don't have to go right now.

Yeah, no, you're probably right.
We should get going, eh.

I was bored, so I clicked on this
red flag on the computer, and a list
of all the late fees came up.

Don't push anything.

But it adds up to, like, $ .

Just leave it.
One guy owes .

Look, don't hassle them.
They'll go somewhere else.

Just ask them, 'Do you want
to pay now or pay later?'

Dur — they'll just say later.
It doesn't matter.

Well, how dumb is that?

Pascalle!

Oh, no wonder you
never got a job here.

(SIGHS)

And you owe $ in late fees.

I'll get it, you know, next time.

And next time you'll say
next time. Am I right?

But the other girl—

...is not here. So now time.

What?
Pay over now.

But I haven't got it, and
there's only bucks on my—

Did I ask to hear the story
of your sad, pathetic life?

No, you didn't.

Come back next time with your
money and I'll give you the film.

OK.

Sorry.

I dunno, Cheryl. Banks scare me.

Even working with the Doslics
has got to be better.

Uh-uh. No way am I 'getting
into bed' with the Doslics.

Why? Because it's a bad idea
or because Wolf thought of it?

Hey there.
How's it going, Munter?

Honest truth, Mrs West,
I'm a worried man.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Uh, do you mind?

Go ahead.

(EXHALES) Your son... concerns me.

What about him?

The whole Draska mystery.

Oh, it's no mystery to me. He just
should've worn a bloody condom.

He swears he did. I believe him.

What are you saying to me, Munter?

What I'm saying is I think I've got
this sixth sense that I didn't know
I had before.

Because I look at Draska and go,
'No way are you f*ckin' pregnant.'

On heat maybe, but not pregnant.
I think maybe it's a Maori thing.

I get it. This is why
she turned up last night.

You say you're pregnant, then
turn up to get the guy to make
you pregnant.

The oldest trick in the book.

Clever bitch.

Chicks are way more devious than us.

OK. I'm gonna need
your help, Munter.

No problem, Mrs West. I'm
the man in your tight spot.

I'm here for you.

We're gonna make such
good parents, eh?

Yeah, there's heaps of
cool baby stuff, eh?

I love you. You know that, eh?

Well, if you love me, how come you
keep doing all these shitty things
to me?

Like what?
Uh, like calling the Tongans on me.

That was a really heavy thing to do.

I wasn't getting at you —
just your family and friends.

They were so mean, making
you dump me at the altar.

But you're the one that ran away.

I had to save face. I'm not
good at public humiliation.

Van.

Do you remember how it was? How
we were before your whole family
started to hate me?

SOFTLY: Do you?

Yeah.

Van, I feel so close to you
right now — emotionally and shit.
You're the man who completes me.

I am?
Totally.

Just you and me

and our little baby.

It's pretty complete, eh?

CRASH!

Uh, yeah, I suppose.

Can I tell you a secret?

OK.

I am so rootable right now.

I think it's cos I'm pregnant.
I just wanna do it all the time.

Yeah.
Like now.

What, in the B...?
In The Baby Factory?

I'm your baby factory.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Yeah, um, I gotta get this.

Hello?

Bro, where you at?

Oh, Munt, hey. Um, I'm at
The Baby Factory with Draska.

Oh, bro, you've gotta come back to
the Lucky Dollar store right now.

What for?

It's on fire!
What?

Yeah! Hear that? Alarms and
everything, bro. It's on fire.

ALARMS BLARE

Oh, shit.

What are we celebrating?

Family and business coming together.

Are we gonna be
stealing things again?

Yeah, something like that, Grandpa.

I don't know about Western Law
as a name. What about West & Son?

Yeah, but I don't have any sons.

I do.

But you're not a lawyer. You can't
have your name on the shingle.

Who's got shingles?
True. But I am investor.

Look, Dad, I need to
do this my way. OK?

So what's this, then? 'Thanks
for the cash, Dad, now f*ck off'?

(GRUNTS)

Look, the legal profession
has certain... protocols, OK?

Law is a business, right?

Well, yeah.

I'm a businessman. Protocols, huh?
First rule of business — keep your
investors happy.

Now, I suggest we have a bit of
a do to celebrate. I'll cook.

Bugger all else to do
around here all day.

You could sew underwear. (CHUCKLES)

You seeing anyone at the moment?

Yeah, sort of.

Good. Bring her along.

DOOR CHIMES TWICE

Shit. OK, this isn't on fire.

The only thing on fire
are Munter's brain cells.

Hello, son.

Mum.

Hello, Mrs West.
Draska.

What's up?

Well, I've just got a little
something for Draska.

Really?

You don't mind, do you?

Don't you believe me, Cheryl?

Well, let's just say I'd like
to see it with my own eyes.

You want me to go here?

Well, you could use the
toilet, save us mopping up.

Whatever.

So...?

It's a pregnancy test.
She has to piss on it.

Yeah. Right. To see if
it's a boy or a girl.

Bro, to see if it even exists.
No way.

Cos now she's staying stuff like,
'We don't need to wear condoms now.'

'Van, you can root me any time
you like, Van.' Am I right?

How did you know?

Cos she wants you to get
her pregnant for real, bro.

Nah.
Mm-hm.

Luckily, I was busting.

That was quick.

There you go, Mrs West.

Mm-hm.

Shit.

I'm gonna go back to The Baby
Factory and get that stroller
that we looked at. And you'll pay?

Yep.

Excuse me, Mrs West.

DOOR CHIMES

So she is pregnant, right?

f*ck.

Hello.
Hi, is this Hayden Peters?

Yeah.
This is the Video Hut here.
You owe us bucks.

What?
In late fees.

Uh,... I'll sort it out next time.

No, you will come down here right
now and sort it out. Either I—

MAN HANGS UP

How rude.

Isn't she magnificent?

PHONE RINGS
Hello?

Yeah, this is the Video Hut again
about that bucks that you—

MAN HANGS UP

You can run, but you can't hide.

What are you staring at?

Sorry.

Well, I guess you don't have that
sixth sense you didn't know you had.

Then how come I think
I still have it?

Pregnancy tests don't lie.
Well, not the way we want.

They can give you a false negative,
but not a false positive. Pascalle
was a false negative.

Shit, the things I put into my
body when I was pregnant with her.

What if the whole person is a false
negative? Can that throw the test?

Sorry, Munter.

CELLPHONE BEEPS

(PRESSES BUTTONS)

What the hell does he want
two dozen lamb shanks for?

Next time we christen the desk,
could Bambi look the other way?

Oh, he likes to watch. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, um,... I've been thinking.

[ I've warned you
about that during sex.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, maybe it's time you came
and had dinner with my family.

You can say no if you want. ]

Sure.

As in 'sure, you'll say no'?

Sure, as in...

sure, I'll come.

Are you sure?

For God's sakes, Jethro, do
you want me to come or not?

Yes. ]

Yes.

I love my family, and I would like
you to come and dine with them.

OK.
Van!

[ Uh, yeah?

We're next on the pool table, bro.

[ Cool.

TOILET FLUSHES

Uh, I can't stay long.
I've gotta go soon.

Dad's cooking lamb shanks, man.

Yum, I love lamb shanks.

BOTH CHUCKLE

Yeah, but, um, the
Doslics are coming over.

What, all of them?

No, just Mr and Mrs.

Yeah. And Draska.

What? You're gonna be in
the same house as Draska?

Yep. It's cool.

I'm cool.

(SIGHS)

She's the mother of my child, man.
Right? That... That means something.

Doesn't it?

I mean,... that's, like, a-a...

a bond... right there,...

eh?

I know what you have to
do. Come on. Come on.

What's this?
It's an old Maori cure handed
down to me from my koro.

Cure for what?

Vampire b*tches trying
to steal your wairua.

Is...? Is that Maori for sperm?

Hmm,... yeah, close enough. Drink
it. Don't stop till you get to the
bottom.

OK.

Scull.
I will.

Koro would be proud,
boy. (CLEARS THROAT)

♪ As it spins,
I start feeling dizzy.

♪ My head is spinning.
It feels so high.

♪ I'm having the time
of my life tonight. ♪

MUSIC STOPS

DOORBELL CHIMES

Yep?

Sorry. I'm looking for Hayden
Peters. I must have the wrong place.

No, that's me.

But you're not a geek.

What do you want?

I'm from the Video Hut.

Oh, right. The woman on the phone.

Yeah, I rang you a couple of times.

Look, those fines aren't mine.
An old girlfriend rang them up. She
took off with my car. Go hassle her.

You like older women?

Eh?

No, old as in ex.

Oh, cool.

Do you have a current girlfriend?

How much do I owe?
Oh, it's not important.

How much do I owe?

.

(EXHALES)

Keep the change.

Thanks.

So, you've invited the
whole world for dinner.

It's not the whole world,
just friends and family.

Hey, girls, you staying for dinner?
There's heaps to go around.

BOTH: Yes, please.
KNOCK AT DOOR

Excellent.

Hoochie Mama?
Uh, kind of. Yeah. Cheryl West.

Lloyd Draper. Mobile
business lending unit.

Thanks for coming at short notice.

Oh, it makes us a more
competitive banking strike force.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
Great. Um, do sit down.

These are my business
partners, Kasey and Rochelle.

BOTH: Hi.

So, Hoochie Mama. Um, some kind
of clothing label, I believe.

Underwear.
Women's.

Lacy.
Raunchy.

Lingerie.

Great.

Hmm, Hoochie Mama. I'm
beginning to get a visual.

Check this out, then. This is the
standard style, but we're gonna do
a preggy range too.

Cos you know how horny
preggy chicks get.

I think we can put the sample
away now, girls. Top button.

As you can see, we're very
very proud of what we make.
Yes.

Expansion is what we're after, so
that we can fulfil the orders we're
now taking.

Great. Hmm, you've been trading
for a year. Um, I couldn't locate
your banking records.

We don't actually bank with you.

But we will if you
lend us some money.

An opportunity to cross enemy lines
and extend our physical borders.
Exciting.

And, um, you're looking for a loan?

Yeah. Uh, I've prepared
a business plan.

So, it's rum and Cokes
all round, then?

Uh, no, thanks. Not when
I'm on the front line.

We're fine, thanks, love.

As you can see, my
husband works from home.

Sorry. Terrible chafing.

DOOR OPENS
(SINGS DRUNKENLY)

It's OK, Mrs West.
Munter's on the case.

Tihei mauri ora.

Kia ora.

Uh, e noho ra. (LAUGHS)
♪ Kia kaha... ♪

Great. Well, that's,
um, all we need.

(GRUNTS)

At least take the business plan.
Oh, sure.

Good. We'll look forward to hearing
from you, then. Let me get the door.
Ta-ta.

You prick.

What? It's a bank. Banks aren't our
style, love. Never have been, never
will be.

You... You f*cking arsehole!

Could you please stop
stalking my customers?

I went to see him once, Loretta.
That's hardly stalking.

Well, maybe twice.

DOORBELL CHIMES

I thought you might
like your receipt.

I was looking really good. How
could he shut me out like that?

He has taste?

Ha ha (!)

There they are.

Wolf.
Mwah!

Come in, sweetie. I said
not to bring anything.

TOMISLAV: To celebrate the
joining of our two families.

Mrs D.

Mr D.

Hi.

So, you're gonna be the Hoochie Mama
model. You're not a proper model.

Where's Van?
I would never model when I was
pregnant, all fat like a whale.

And what if you did a Corinna
Balani on the catwalk?
What?

When she was pregnant with her
third kid, Corinna lost all bladder
control.

She left puddles everywhere.

She's got three kids now?

Pregnant again. Mother of all sluts.

Is Van here?

Sort of.
What do you mean?

Well, he threw up in the shower,
and now he's in bed unconscious.

Relax. I can deal with
your family en masse.

Yeah. Bigger and tougher people than
you have said that. Hey, Grandpa.

Evening.
Hello.

URINE TRICKLES

Oh yeah?

Dad. Dad. Grandpa's pissing
off the balcony again.

(GROANS)

Dad.

(ZIPS UP FLY)
You've gotta stop doing this.

Vietcong are here.

Dad, she's Chinese, not Vietnamese.

Come on.

Some more for you, Tracy?

Yes. Thanks.

Well, if you can't mix business
and pleasure, what the f*ck is
the point, eh? Here's cheers.

These chops are great, Cheryl.

They're not chops, they're shanks,
Eric. And don't thank me — you
should thank the chef.

BITTERLY: I had nothing
to do with this.

OK.
Who needs a refill?

Mm!

This reminds me of when we were
patrolling up the Mekong Delta.
We were in a gunboat.

That's Apocalypse Now, Grandpa.

What's that?
A DVD we watched.

No. There was this lovely
French family up the river.

The director's cut, Grandpa.

And I'm Chinese, not
Vietnamese, Mr West.

How would you know?
You all look the same.

(SNIGGERS QUIETLY)

So, you still working
for your father, Tracy?

Yes, but I have my own sidelines.

Ah. So you're a bit of a
businesswoman in your own right.

Oh, it's in the blood.

Well, we're all businesswomen
round here, aren't we, Cheryl?

Excuse me. I need to pee.

PASCALLE: Corinna Balani time.
God, she could spray it around.

WOLF: Pascalle. Not in
front of the guests.

What? They don't care.

You were great in Charlie's Angels.

Grandpa.

Come on, baby.
(SNORES)

Come on. Please.

Please, Van.

Wake up. Please wake up.

You're not gonna get any sperm
out of him tonight, Draska.

You did this to him.

For his own good.

How'd you do it, Draska? How'd
you fake the pregnancy test?

You can't fake a
pregnancy test, you h*m*.

From now on, this boy,
he'll defend you for free.

That's generous.

Yeah, that could run
to a fair bit, Dad.

(CLEARS THROAT) I'm going home.

Hey, darling...

Draska?

(SIGHS)

So, how is Draska?

Already her boobies are growing.

So there's no mistake about
her being pregnant, then.

Oh, no. I sniffed her piss.
What?

Yeah. It's old Slavic way. You know,
a mother can smell it in the wees of
her daughter.

Yeah. It's all...
It's all here. (SNIFFS)

That's why we make good wine.

So you've not actually
been to the doctor's?

(SNORTS) What? $ for what
a mother already knows?

Wouldn't be the first time a girl's
lied about being pregnant to get a
man.

Van is hardly catch
of the day, Cheryl.

And Draska is?

Look, she is pregnant.

You know, we are one family now.

♪ I believe in what you say.

Ah. You know, tonight...

Mr D and I, we're gonna
make the earth shake.

I want to look hot. Get me some more
knickers from our company, please.

♪ And one man was so strong.

♪ Another man was so wise.

♪ One man never lay down... ♪

In hiding, eh? Don't blame you.

(CHUCKLES) Your father was asking if
I did the thing with the ping-pong
balls.

Urgh. Wolf's father.
Nothing to do with me.

(CHUCKLES)

So, this is Hoochie Mama, eh?

Mm. My little sideline.
Looks like fun.

Well, it was. Little cottage
industry. Got too big too fast.

Now our backs are up against the
fiscal wall, so it's no fun any
more.

Pity.
Yeah, I reckon.

↑ Brothers and sisters,
God bless you.

SLURS: So nice to be with a family
again. Makes a change from being on
your own all the time.

Piss off, Eric.

You sleep on the couch
tonight, by the way.

Why? Everybody had a great night.

Sticking your nose into my
business when you weren't asked.

You're a hard woman, Cheryl West.

SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYS

Hey, um, we never have to have any
social contact with my family ever
again. OK?

Wasn't so bad.

Yeah, right (!)

No. Seriously.

It had some up moments.

And... now...

I wanna do it white-trash style.

Is that... my mother's lingerie?

You probably shouldn't
think about it like that.

OK.

Thought gone.

(GROANS)

Hey.
(GROANS)

That Maori cure of yours
fucks with your head.

Kept the vampires away.

I wanna die.

Don't. Just stay here. And if She
Who Must Not Be Named turns up—

Who's that?
She Who Must Not Be Named.

Well, who the f*ck is that, man?

Draska. Who the f*ck else?

WEAKLY: OK.

Kia kaha. Be strong. Say no.

I couldn't get it up if bloody
Hayley Westenra was begging for it.

(LAUGHS) That's the spirit.

[ Where are you going?

To solve the amazing mystery.

OK.

(DIALS)

PHONE RINGS

Hello.
You passed the audition.

I don't wanna know the details.

They're what we need to talk about.

Oh, hold on a sec. I've
got another call. Hello.

Agent Munter calling.
Oh, hi, Munter.

I've solved the mystery.
What's mystery's that?

The amazing one. The virgin birth.

Can you hold on? Tracy,
can I call you back?

When you're ready.

What did you find out?

All will be revealed. Call Draska
and tell her to submit to one more
pee test.

Why?

To save Van from a life of hell.

Yeah, but wasn't the
last one positive?

Ah. But that was before I solved
the amazing mystery. Munter out.

OK. But...

Bye.
Bye.

Christ, not you again.

I thought you'd like to fill out our
Video Hut customer service survey.

Why?

How would you rate our customer
service? Really good, right?

(KNOCKS REPEATEDLY)

What is your problem?
What is your problem?

I paid the fees on the stupid DVDs.

Thought that was the
end of my problems.

I mean with me. Am I not hot?

Well, yeah.
Yes, I am.

Good. Great. What's that
got to do with anything?

And you're hot too.

Thanks.

So... we could be
really hot together.

Oh, right.

Look, as a rule, I don't ask
guys out, so you can ask me.

I can?
Mm-hm. Maybe a drink.

You may be attractive in a certain
upfront way, but I suspect you're
deeply unhinged,

so why am I gonna ask you out?
I am not unhinged.

Look at it from my point of view.
This woman — sorry, I don't even
know your name —

turns up on my doorstep
time after time—

Not time after time.

It's, like, three times. And my
name is Pascalle West. Not that
it matters any more.

Whoa. Just taihoa there.

Sorry. This ship has sailed.

But that's such a beautiful name.

It would be a shame not to at least
have one drink with someone with
such a beautiful name,...

[ Pascalle West.

I tell you, I sniff my girl's pee
and still you ask this question.

If Draska did not have her heart set
on modelling, we would walk out.

You sniffed Draska's pee.

You tested her already.

Let me just say, if she's pregnant,
I'll be the most surprised person
in this room.

Here.

Well, well, well.

Negative.
What?! No way.

What's wrong, Draska? Corinna
Balani sell you bad pee?

Have you been doing P with our baby?

Not that kind of pee, Van.

Draska knows the deal.
She knows what's going on.

Pretty good plan to hook
your man, but with one flaw.

Your so-called best friend, the
source of your positive pregnancy
pee,

is also a cheap ho who
can be easily bought.

I'll do it for .
bucks? But that's—

Like I care. I've got kids to feed.

BABY CRIES

Love you.

You can deny it all you like, but if
you do, you and I are gonna go back
in there

and you're gonna piss on another one
of those things. And I'm gonna watch
while you do it.

And I'm guessing it'll come back
negative, just like that one.

Van,...

I hate the rest of
your f*cking family,...

but I do love you.

Yeah?

Well, I don't love you.

(SOBS)

You insult my family.

You stick your G-strings
up your cracks.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

DOOR SLAMS

Dallies, eh? I never trusted 'em.

Van, I love you too, but if you ever
have sex with her or any member of
that family again,

I'll cut your balls off. OK?

Munter, a question. If it wasn't
Corinna Balani's pee, then...?

She'll be here in a minute.

Come on, man. Come on. Come on.

(WHISTLES)

Corinna.

C-Can you whistle too? Please.

Please?

BOTH WHISTLE

Ohh.

URINE FLOWS

It's working.

Nice work, saving our son
from a fate worse than death.

You should be thanking
Munter, not me.

I will.

Of course, with the Doslics off the
case, you'll be needing that money.

No.

What, you're packing it in?

No. No, shit, no. We're going
bigger and better than ever.

All thanks to you.

Oh yeah?

Well, you invited Tracy Hong
to dinner, didn't you?

You've done a deal with the Hongs.

No, no, just Tracy. One
very satisfied customer.

Sweet.

MACHINE WHIRRS

CROWD CHEERS, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

When you find something you like,
write it on the order form, then
take it to the Chinese lady.

A smile wouldn't hurt.

It would hurt me.

I can hurt you more.

Good girl. Just smile and
think of the pocket money.

Yay (!)

Welcome to Hoochie Mama.
Here, have an order form.

Bottle of bubbles open.
Four glasses, please.

So, how do you feel about me getting
into bed with your girlfriend?

Some people would pay
money to see that.

Ugh. (CHUCKLES)

What are you and Wolf up to?

Nothing.

He's just steering a few
clients my way, that's all.

Uh-huh.

We don't have to stay
if you don't want.

No, let's stay.

Why?

I wanna get to know you better.

You can do that back at your place.

God. You... are too good to be true.

Yes, I am.

So, working for ya?

Oh yes.
(CHUCKLES)

(WHOOPS)
Ah, you guys were awesome.

(SQUEALS)

Here you go.

Jesus. Piss-poor bloody pouring.

Oh, I'll have to get another bloody
bottle, then. OK, girls, Hoochie
Mama — bigger and better, ladies.

ALL: Bigger and better.

BANG!

ALL CHEER

Whoo! ]

WOMEN LAUGH

MELANCHOLY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS