02x05 - Shall We to the Court?

[bunniefuu]

What will I be doing for
this charitable organisation?

I'm not exactly known
for my telephone manner.

I have something else in mind
to keep you fully employed.

Help with my rehabilitation?

Exactly.

This is Hoochie Mama, eh?

Mm. My little sideline.

How do you feel about me getting
into bed with your girlfriend?

People would pay to see that.

% payouts...
Yeah.

...due to electrical faults. Ha ha!

There is nothing more
beautiful than flames.

Nothing.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

MOTOR ROARS

What?

His lawyer's in traction
at Middlemore.
Jesus.

No one's going to touch
him with a bargepole now.

Idiot.
We've got to go without him.

Nah.

Nah, it's OK. I'll sort it.

TV PLAYS
Who forgot to clear the letter box—?

Shh. It's Jethro.

Maybe it's time you come and
see me, Jethro West, barrister.

Don't be framed up for criminal
deeds; I'll sort your legal needs.

Ah, bollocks.

What's your problem?
It sounded good.

If a bit gay.

He's pitching himself
like a used-car yard.

How terrible (!) We wouldn't want
him to be a success, because that's
your private arena (!)

Oh my God. Hoochie Mama
is being sued.

Why? Breach of good taste (?)

No. Apparently, it's something about
negligence and personal injury.

You injured someone with a negligee?

It was a pair of
crutchless knickers.

How the hell did you manage that?

Apparently, his balls fell through—

Sorry. Sorry. His balls?

Yeah. We're being sued by a guy who
got his nuts half ripped off by our
knickers.

ALL: Ow.

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

Is this Malcolm Canning guy,
like, a drag artist or something?

So we gave him a free sex change?

He's a father of two from
Mt Roskill, so he reckons.

(LAUGHS) Not father of three?

(LAUGHS) Don't.

This is bullshit. He shouldn't have
worn them — they're not for guys.

Clearly not.

He should be going after ACC
and not coming after us.

He sounded pretty angry.

(SCOFFS) He's an
attention-seeking pervert

and the best place for this is the
'ignore it and it'll go away' pile.

BOTTLES CLINK

Mule, I got you off robbing a bottle
store and you pay me in whisky.

Yeah.

You can see how this looks, right?

I suppose.

Mule, f*ck off now.

Feel like a hero, Jethro, getting
scum like Mule Berenson off?

Everyone's allowed the
best defence they can buy.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Excuse me, Sgt Judd —
they can't get enough of me.

Western Law.

Yeah. Hi, Dad. What is it?

What's this ad shit I keep hearing
on the radio? It sounds desperate.

Yeah, well, a few more actual
paying clients wouldn't hurt.

You get legal-aid fees, don't you?

Yep. Some.

Well, welcome to the world
of defending the little guy.

It'd just be nice if the little
guy would lay down some cash.

I can't cover my running costs on
whisky and free tree-stump removal.

I've got a case for you — a big one.

How big?

Arson.

Uh, nah. No way.

Sparky is a loyal friend who's on
remand awaiting trial and he needs
a lawyer.

Because he put his
last lawyer in hospital.

He slipped and fell
during a misunderstanding.

While Sparky was throttling him.

He needs a new lawyer;
that lawyer will be you.

Why?
Because I'm your father,
who set you up in business.

No. Why do you want to keep him out?

Get him out and I'll tell ya.

You doing a sideline in butchery?

Hm?

Oh. Compliments of Mule Berenson's
parents. Look, Mum, this is
bollocks, so to speak.

There's no case here.

Why is his lawyer
sending me letters?

He might as well write the letter
and charge his client for it.
Ignore it.

Shouldn't you write a letter back,
you know, to be on the safe side?

I don't have time for this.

Your mother could face financial
ruin and you don't give a shit.

You won't face financial... (SIGHS)

It'll be gone by end of business.

Good boy. Hey, heard your ad
on the radio — sounds great.

Great (!) Um, I don't suppose
you'll be paying cash?

Well, we'll sort something out.

Sure it's hygienic,
having that sitting there?

Just help yourself.

So, you entering?

The Miss Hoochie Girl
competition? Like, hello. No.

But wearing only underwear in front
of strange men is what you do best.

It's for amateur models, Loretta.

Who said anything about modelling?

A) I can't wear my mother's
underwear brand — it's like incest,

and B) I'm over modelling.
I'm going to the next level.

Prostitution (?)

No. Think about it. Rachel Hunter
was a model and then what did she
do?

Nothing.
She got married.

And you think Hayden wants
to marry you because...?

Because I'm hot and I'm generous
with my body and I'm really good
at...

baking.
Since when?

Loretta, just cos nobody wants to
marry a bitch like you doesn't mean
you can put me down.

I'm perfect wife material,
and Hayden knows it.

Does he?

He will.

So, Barry, tell me about your
relationship with your neighbour.

Did I say you could call me Barry?

In court, we use real
names. Remember, Sparky?

Apart from the odd boundary
dispute, the neighbour and
I got on all right.

Until he bought one of these leaf
blowers. f*cking horsepower —
for f*cking leaves.

That'd blow a out of the sky.
Yeah.

Now, is it true you told him, 'If
you don't turn that f*ckin' thing
off,

'I'll f*ckin' burn your
f*ckin' house down'?

I was speaking for the whole street.

Jethro, these leaf blowers are the
devil's work. And the fact he would
use it on a Sunday morning,...

(LAUGHS) well, I'd say he got
exactly what he deserved, eh? Eh?

QUIETLY: Mind you,
it was beautiful, but.

The trail of kerosene lit up like...
like little soldiers of flame
marching toward his house,

up the steps, through the back door,
up the stairs, into the en suite...

Where the leaf blower was
miraculously wedged in the toilet.

Ka-boom! (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Oh. I tell ya,... (LAUGHS) those
little petrol tanks pack a hell
of a punch. (LAUGHS)

OPERATORS CHAT INDISTINCTLY

Knock, knock. Only me.
Hi, Haydie. Hi, Dad.

Hello, babe.
Hello, princess.

I brought you some baking.

I didn't know that you baked, love.

Your daughter's got many talents.

I just hadn't come
across the baking one.

What exactly do you do here, Dad?

I make calls and I handle
future planning.

So cool. I love future planning.
Haydie, have you ever done any
future planning?

Nah, it's not my strong point,
love. That's why I got Wolf.

Oh.

I'm cooking tonight, cos I love
cooking, too. Are you gonna come?

You just try and stop me.

I...

am a lucky guy.

Yes, you are. Never forget it.

I'm bored. Take me to lunch.

Can't. Flat out.

Don't be dull.

Don't give me a hard time about
this, OK? This is all your fault.

What have I done?

You castrated some guy.

Oh, that loser. I told
Cheryl to ignore him.

Yeah, well, she told me
to write him a letter.

READS: 'It is with deep regret
that we learnt of Mr Canning's
unfortunate accident.'

Deep disgust, more like.
Why you being such a p*ssy?

I'm not being a p*ssy;
I'm being a lawyer.

A freak like him lives to be taken
seriously. Just tell him to piss
off.

You know what, Tracy? I've got a
million better things to do with my
time than sit here and talk to you—

It's your company. You think
you can do better, you write it.

No need to get snarky about it.

The letterhead's already in the
printer, the courier envelope
already addressed.

Ah. Legal bullshit's a piece of piss
— client this, aforementioned that.

Absolutely.

Dad, there is no way
in hell that I can...

You staying for dinner?

Ah, no. No, I can't. Thanks.

You sure? It's your pig.

(LAUGHS) Yep, I'm sure.

DOOR CLOSES
He's so guilty, he should have a
sign on his head saying, 'I did it.'

Look, I can argue for
a shorter sentence than—

That's not an option.

The front half of Sparky's fee.
That should help with your cash-flow
problems.

I have faith in you.

Why do you want to work
with a freak like Sparky?

(SNIFFS)

Get him out and I'll tell ya.

It's a shame Jethro can't
be here, seeing it's his pig.

I wish some of the clients down at
the Galleria would pay me in pork.

I wish I had some clients, actually.

Well, your office
is in the Rusty Nail.

Maybe you should have one of
those radio ads, like Jethro.

Oh yeah. I heard that today. Catchy.
Bollocks.

'We've got everything you need
at West's Galleria. Fridges and
freezers...'

And dope and beer.

Diarrhoea.
Gonorrhoea.

LAUGHTER

Second-hand furniture.

SILENCE

That's right. We do sell that
as well. Very well put, dear.

I would have thought gonorrhoea
was more up your alley, Mr Peters.

Why's that, Ted?

Your father's knocking
shops were famous for it.

Ted.

The old man's dead now.
Clap got him, did it?

Grandpa.

Those knocking shops are old-folks'
homes now, Ted, so watch out, eh?

Like hell. Pass the apple sauce.

The apple sauce that I made
with my very own hands.

By using the can opener on
the can marked 'apple sauce'.

As if you know how to cook.

So, what is Jethro up to these days?

Apart from fending off lawsuits
about your man-eating underwear?

What's that?
A sicko guy was wearing some
of Mum's crotchless panties.

Now he's half the man he was.

What I meant was, what's
Jethro doing for you?
Nothing.

That's right. Yeah. He's
defending Sparky, isn't he,

after Sparky had a run-in with his
old counsel and he had to run into
the hospital. (LAUGHS)

Which we really hope
doesn't happen to Jethro.

Did you put Jethro on to Sparky?

It's good Jethro has
some bigger fish to fry.

Oh God, he's hardly a fish —
he's more like a rabid dog.

Sparky's a friend in need.

Jesus, Wolf, you've got to
draw the line somewhere —

preferably with a nutbar
like Sparky on the other side.

Jethro can handle Sparky, and Sparky
knows if he messes with Jethro, he
answers to me.

Well, aren't you Mr Fix-it (!)

Yeah, that's me, babe.

What are you doing?

Instead of concentrating on Jethro,
you should be thinking about your
business,

like installing safety catches on
those crutchless gruds of yours.

(LAUGHS)

f*ck you.

Exactly what I had in mind.

DOG BARKS
Hayden liked the dinner so much,
he virtually popped the question.

Virtually?
Mm-hm.

Well, he's going to wait for the
most romantic time to say, 'Will
you marry me?'

But how will you say 'yes'
with your mouth full?

Jealously is ugly, Loretta. Oh,
that's right — you can't be jealous
because you're a frigid d*ke.

I'm not a d*ke and I'm so not
jealous. And he's so not gonna
marry you.

Give me one good reason why not.

Pascalle, even for you,
this is deluded.

One pork dinner you didn't even cook
does not say 'marriage dead ahead'.

Loretta, all the signs are
there. He loves my cooking...

Imagine if you cooked like
that for me every day.

I'd like that.
Me too, apart for the fact
I'd look like a whale.

You didn't cook anything!

He agrees my room is too
small for us as a couple.

It would be much nicer for us to
have a place together — somewhere
bigger.

Yeah, I guess.

He wants me to quit modelling and I
make him horny. What else do I need?

How about something in common?

We've got lots in common. Heaps.

So, when the fire engines arrived,
you were on your back lawn?

Of course. There was a fire.

Yes, Barry, an arson two
doors down from your house.

Jethro, I'm trying to explain to you
that there was a fire. At night.

And there were flames, leaping
high into the pitch-black sky.
And when this happens, I get...

moved.

I often feel the need to-to free
myself from the lowly shackles
of humanity.

Right. So that's why you were naked?

I was not naked. I had
my welding goggles on.

OK. Now, a witness saw you dancing?

Pervert. I mean, can't a man
have a moment to himself?

Just because I was enjoying the
flame doesn't mean I started the
flame.

No. Quite right.

It says here in your initial
statement that you were with a
friend at the time the fire started,

but you refused to give a name.

(GRUNTS)

QUIETLY: OK.

Sparky, without a name here, you
have no alibi and we're screwed.

Wolf wouldn't like that.

No, Wolf would not like that.

(CLEARS THROAT) Tinker Bell.

OK. You were with some
chick called Tinker Bell.

Tinker Bell who?
Tinker Bell no-last-name,
you fuckwit!

Sometimes, when I've been up for
a few days, Jethro, then she comes.
But I am not f*ckin' insane!

No one is saying you're insane.

When the flames leap,...
that's when she comes.

She's so beautiful, a little
trail of sparks behind her.

Wait a second — do you mean Tinker
Bell as in Peter Pan Tinker Bell?

Yeah.

Argh! Jesus!

My last lawyer laughed too.
Jesus Christ, Sparky.

She is real — do you understand me?

I believe you, I believe you.

GUARD: Oi! Let him go.

f*ck.
You OK, mate?

We're fine, it's fine.

(PANTS) Jesus Christ.

Your father wouldn't
have laughed at me.

I'm not laughing. We're fine.

I thought you were supposed
to be Mr Smarty-Pants Lawyer.

Dad, Sparky's best friend
is a fictional fairy.

He's gonna get trucked off to the
funny farm and I'm gonna get laughed
out of court.

You know, I'm beginning to think
I invested in a gutless wonder.

Oh, come on.

You want more money?

Smell it, touch it. You get this
thing right, that is just the tip
of the iceberg.

What do I do?

Find Tinker Bell.

Cheryl West?
Who wants to know?

This is the address of Hoochie Mama.
My wife bought some underwear

from a blousy blonde called
Cheryl West. I guess that's you.

So?

I'm Malcolm Canning.

Oh my God — you're the panty guy.

Exactly the attitude
that I was expecting.

Sorry. OK, do you want to come in?

My lawyer's sent you
a letter explaining my—

Your lawyer is a heartless bastard.

He's also my son.

Then he takes after his mother.

In the light of the
abuse in this letter—

What? What abuse?

Slanderous att*cks on my
personality and sexuality.

It's all about the money for you
people, isn't it? You just don't
care.

Oh, Jethro.

Jethro, you little bastard.

Are you f*cked in the head?

Van, it's what Dad wants.

Read my lips: 'no' and 'way'.

(LAUGHS)

Thanks for the beers, mate.

Van, Sparky's an old
friend of the family.

Cos we're scared to tell him piss
off cos he'll burn our house down.

Just say we call you Tinker Bell
and you were with Sparky during
the fire.

Yeah, but I have
to do that in court.

So what? You've lied
in court before.

Nah. No way am I saying
I've got such a gay nickname.

It could be a private nickname.

I'm not doing it, Jed.

OK. But you tell Dad that.

Yeah. No worries. Bring it on.

Yep, OK, I'll do it, but only cos
I'm prepared to do you a favour,
Dad.

Van, I'm your father — I don't owe
you any favours. You do it because
you love me. Got it?

Good boy.

Good.

Uh, but I'm not going to say that
I was dancing naked on the lawn with
Sparky, OK, cos that's just creepy.

Yeah. Good.

I've got something lined up.
Something very big.

And I want you in the fold, Jethro.

But I need Sparky out of jail.

So, Mr West, on the night in
question, you were watching videos
inside Mr Gibbs' residence?

Yes.

And what video did you watch?

Backdraft.

Good. While you watched the movie
Backdraft, did Mr Gibbs ever leave
the room, say, to go to the toilet?

I don't know.

Say no, because if he did leave the
room, he could have popped next door
and burnt the house down. Got it?

Knowing Sparky, he would've
just pissed on the couch, man.

Van.

Don't yell at me.

While you watched the movie, did
Mr Gibbs ever leave the room at all?

I don't know.

No, Van, he didn't!

Well, how do I know, man?
I wasn't even there. (CACKLES)

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Van, get your shit together, would
you? If Sparky goes to jail, he'll
k*ll us both when he gets out.

Ooh.

Van, this is important
to Dad, all right?

Yeah, OK, OK.

Questions. Answers. Get them inside
your thick head before tomorrow.
If you don't, we die.

KNOCKING
Only me.

What did you do?
Nothing.

Van was just picking something up.

Sonny Asatasi gave me it as a
part-payment — thought Van might
like it.

For my one-wheeled car (?)

Eh, you said I could have
the belt sander too, eh, bro?

Yep.
Choice.

See you, Jed. Bye, Mum.

What the hell is this? How does it
help me by questioning whether the
guy had balls to start with?

That bit where you say if ACC tell
him to hook off, he should apply
for sickness benefit, is not funny.

What the hell kind
of lawyer are you? ]
A f*ckin' busy one.

Don't you swear at me. I'm in
deep shit. Were you pissed?

No, I was taking instruction
from my clients — plural.

You want to talk about what it says,
talk to Tracy. She's a director of
Hoochie Mama as well.

Tracy wrote this?
She volunteered.

And you let her?
I'm snowed under, Mum.

You better un-write it.
I don't have time.

You too busy defending psychopaths?

(SIGHS) Jesus f*cking Christ!

Any minute, you'll be
on the P like Corky.

Yeah, probably!

Mate, you'll be able see
the second hand on his watch.

These cameras can pick
up that kind of detail?

[ Absolutely.

Hello! Just me.

Hello, babe.

Muffin time. For you.

I'm not really hungry.

Where's mine?
You can have yours at home.

Have this.
Cheers.

Dad! It's not for you.

Well, he said I could have it.

There's a surprise in it.

In a muffin?

Way to ruin the surprise, Dad.

Wow. Tickets to the stock
cars at Waikaraka Park.

Contacts in the tyre business. And I
thought, seeing as you like driving
cars and I like riding in them,

that we could do a
car thing together.

You are too much.

Mm-hm.

But, to be honest, I bloody
hate stock cars. Sorry.

That's amazing. So do I.

Well, he got the message.

What message? 'Your client's a
pervert — I'll see you in court'?

Relax, Cheryl.

How can I relax when my company
could be facing financial ruin?

Your company?

Being an investor doesn't give you
the right to go behind my back.

This business was started by Kasey,
Rochelle and me. It was our vision.

You don't have a vision, Cheryl —
not in the business sense. That's
why I'm here.

I know about business.

The 'hocking off stolen
goods' business, maybe.

(SCOFFS) Come on, Cheryl — get real.

All right. I'm dealing
with this from now on.

OK. Do it your way. Good luck.

It's about people skills, not luck.

It's about giving him
what he wants, actually.

Oh, and what's that?

You're handling it —
you figure it out.

PEOPLE CHAT INDISTINCTLY

Hey, Malcolm. Thanks for
coming. Do you want a beer?

I can't drink beer after the attack.
Too much liquid causes me grief.
Bruised bladder.

OK. Well, look, I just wanted
to apologise face to face for
the letter.

It was a total misunderstanding.

Give me a reason why I shouldn't
take my story public.

Are you sure you want to do that?

I'm quite prepared, Mrs West.

But you'll be a laughing stock.

Mrs West, role reversal in
the bedroom is commonplace.

Haven't you and your husband
indulged from time to time?

Come on, baby — take me.

No, we haven't.
And we never bloody will.

Because you know it's not safe.

Because it's not right.

I'm beyond your scorn, Mrs West.
Aside from a bruised bladder,
I have some very nasty lacerations.

Something burst, but
I won't go into that—

I'm sorry, but that's not our fault—

I have a reascended testicle, severe
swelling, and some discoloration.

I'm already a laughing stock,
so I have nothing to lose.

What do you want us to do?

I want a full product recall of
all your Hoochie Mama crutchless
panties;

I want labelling on your packaging,
warning people; and a public apology
in The Herald.

You're kidding.
Most definitely not.

This is some kind of
reality-TV show, isn't it,

and you're filming me and
winding me up for a laugh.

Perhaps you'll take me more
seriously when my lawyer
demands , in damages.

Good day, Mrs West.

And perhaps you'll take me seriously
when I say you're a loser.

CHATTER DIES

Get with the programme, Malcolm —
they're women's underpants. Women's.

If you like sticking your d*ck out
of chicks' knickers, OK, but don't
expect a medal.

And you'll get blood out of a stone
before I will pay for some weird
fantasy which is your sex life!

(BANGS GAVEL)

Mr West?
Your Honour?

Is there something
wrong with your client?

WHISPERS: What are you doing?
WHISPERS: You said not to speak.

Don't flap your arms like an idiot.

Who are you calling an idiot?

What do you want?
She's not here!

Who?

Tinker Bell. I mean, what if she
doesn't show? Usually, she only
comes with the flames.

Sparky, all witnesses have to remain
outside until called, remember?

Oh yeah.
Yeah.

Hey, that prosecutor looks a prick.
I'd love to torch his car.

Yep, maybe later, OK? Sit down.

MUNTER: What time did you
start watching the video?

VAN: . No, .

Correct. And you were in the
presence of Mr Gibbs at all times?

Yep. Yes.

Correct. Uh, which one of the
Baldwin brothers do you think
was the best in the movie?

I don't even remember
that question, man.

I'm just asking.

Backdraft, man — there are three
Baldwin brothers in the same movie.
That's rare.

Well, stick to the questions.

It must be hard, man, trying to
remember the truth when it's not the
truth. It'd be easier to lie, man.

Munt, shut up. OK? Start again.

Uh, what time did you
start watching the movie?

.

So?

We can't stop him.
He's a bull at a gate.

Well, perhaps not a bull.

He's gonna go public.

Do you want me to take
care of it from now on?

Do you think you can stop him?

Do you want me to take
care of it from now on?

Yes. Please.

Detective Sergeant Judd,
were those the exact words

the victim told you Mr Gibbs said
to him just days before the fire?

It's very important that this is
a % accurate for the court.

Yes. Mr Papadopolous told me
Mr Gibbs said, 'If you don't
turn the f*ckin' thing off,

'I'll f*ckin' burn your f*ckin'
house down.' I wrote it down
exactly.

Exactly?

It wasn't hard to remember.

So here we have a suspicious fire
only doors away from the home of
Mr Gibbs.

Did that seem surprising
to you in any way?

Well, I couldn't say if
I was surprised or not.

But Mr Gibbs is no stranger
to you, is he, Detective?

Objection. How is this admissible?

Agreed, Mr West.

Your Honour, I was alluding to the
fact the police had been often
called

to deal with disputes between
Mr Papadopolous and Mr Gibbs.

Then why didn't you just ask
Detective Judd that in the first
place?

I was... trying to give it a sense
of importance in the context of the
case.

Just keep your questions
to the point, please, Counsel.

No further questions
for Detective Judd.

Detective Sergeant Judd, the threat
that Mr Gibbs allegedly made against
Mr Papadopolous,

could you find anyone
else that heard this?

No.

Were Mr Gibbs' fingerprints
on the leaf blower?

The leaf blower was a
melted piece of shrapnel.

Ha!
So that's a no?

Yes, that's a no.

And there were no witnesses that saw
Mr Gibbs near the victim's house at
the time the fire started?

Lots of people saw him dancing
on the lawn when the fire engines—

But at the time the fire started?

No.

No further questions, Your Honour.

I can't do it.

Yes, you can. You can lie
in court for your dad.

No. I can't remember this shit.

I mean, I think I've got
it straight in my head,

and my brain tenses up and I get all
confused again. I can't f*ckin' do
it.

Bro, you need to relax, man.

Yeah, no shit.

It's moments like these you
need one of my mum's cookies.

I can't go on the stand stoned —
it'll freak me out more.

You do some of your
best thinking stoned.

Yeah, but not in court.

They're really really small.
Just one to take the edge off,
then you'll sail through.

It'll be like having a
friend to hold your hand.

As my next witness, I'd like
to call Van 'Tinker Bell' West.

Van 'Tinker Bell' West.

Mr West, you have provided
the court with a statement

saying that you were with Mr Gibbs
on the night the fire occurred?

Yes, I have.

You were inside his residence
watching videos the whole night?

Bald— Backdraft. With the Baldwins.

In the film — not in the house.

Did Mr Gibbs ever
leave the house at all? ]

Did he ever even
just leave the room? ]

(EXHALES) Uh-oh.

What?

While you watched the movie
Backdraft, did Mr Gibbs ever
leave the room?

Not even to take a piss.

Thank you.

I think he pissed on the couch.

I did not!

Mr West, please confine your
answers to the questions.

Can I just say that...

FEEDBACK WHINES

...I wasn't naked.

Mr West, I don't believe
nudity has been referred to.

But we weren't nude.

When was the first time you and
Mr Gibbs actually left the house
that evening?

When we heard the-the fire engines.

Thank you, Mr West. No further
questions, Your Honour.

Mr Tinker Bell.

He — Sparky — he likes to dance
naked while the flames talk to him.

There was one time, he did it at our
house at Guy Fawkes, and... (LAUGHS)

and he had this massive boner—

Uh!

(GROANS)

Your Honour, I, uh, must have eaten
something that's disagreed with me.
Request a short break?

Very well. We'll adjourn
for minutes.

Thank you.

Clear the court. And, Mr West,
I remind you you're still under
oath.

(LAUGHS) Oath.

[ All rise.

You — get in here.

Hey!

(GIGGLES)
You, guard the door.
If anyone sees us together—

They'll think they're seeing double.

My career will be dead, you moron!

Tampering with a witness.
And you're f*cking stoned!

That was an accident.

It's true, bro. One little
cookie did that to him, man.

Man, they are seriously strong.

You are a useless prick!

For minutes, once in your life,
you had to hold it together. But,
no, no — not Van West.

Tinker Bell West.
BOTH GIGGLE

You f*ck up. Needham is
gonna crucify him in the
cross-examination.

You hear that, Van? He is going to
squash you like a bug. How do you
feel about that, huh?

Oh man, the lights
in here are bright.

f*ck! (BREATHES HEAVILY)

Van, you have got to pull it
together. If I lose this case,
Sparky goes to jail and Dad—

Take off your clothes.
What?

I told you he was gay, bro.

Shut it! Clothes, swap. Hurry up.

Why?
I'm taking the stand. As you.

Whoa. I don't think
that's a very good idea.

It's not a good idea; it's a f*cked
idea, but I am not having him screw
this up.

I mean, if you're him,
then... he has to be you.

Van, listen to me. When we get back
in there, do not speak. You hear me?

If in doubt, nod your head. OK?

Nodding of head good;
speaking bad. Got it?

Yeah.

Good. Now, we've minutes to
get you as straight as possible.

Straight as a judge.
(GIGGLES)

HAND DRYER WHINES

Mr West. You and Mr Gibbs were
watching Backdraft together?

Yep.

So you and Mr Gibbs have
a fascination with fire?

Who said Barry had a thing for fire?

Didn't you? Just before.

Nah. Nah, nah, Barry has
a thing for dancing.

Perhaps the two of you share
a love of fire appliances?

You're watching a movie about them
and suddenly three fire engines turn
up in your street.

That must have made
Mr Gibbs very happy.

I don't know how Mr Gibbs felt.

You'd have to ask him, eh.
Mr West—

Yeah, yeah, besides, Barry
never saw the fire engines —

he was dancing in his backyard.

Thank you. Before
the fire engines...

I don't like fire engines, eh.
They go too fast and they could
hurt small children.

So you like small
children, do you, Van?

Objection.

Quite so. Mr Needham, please—

Withdrawn, Your Honour.
Now, Van Tinker Bell West.

That's my name. Don't wear it out.

I'm curious. How long have
you been known as Tinker Bell?

Well, when we were kids, me and,
uh, Jethro used to play Peter Pan.
A lot.

This is Jethro, your brother,
counsel for the defence, who calls
his own brother as a star witness—

Mr Needham, I've issued my
instructions on this — he can
call who he likes. You know that.

As you were saying, Tinker Bell?

Yeah, well, being that Jethro is
older than me by about three and
half minutes,

he always got to be Peter Pan and
I had to, like, be Tinker Bell.
The name stuck.

So it would be fair to say that
you as an individual are open
to persuasion?

What's that supposed to mean?

How else do you explain being
so emasculated by your brother

as to always accept
being Tinker Bell?

Uh, uh. I can answer that.

Cos, um, when I was a kid, I was
locked in a freezer, and now I'm
a bit thick.

Eh, now, hold on, mate—

Mr West, you may sit down.

Are you too thick to remember if you
were with Mr Gibbs on that night?

Mr Needham.
Are you saying I'm lying?

Are you, Mr West? Are you maybe
saying what your Peter Pan of
a brother wants you to say?

Nah.

Nah?
Nah.

That's the best you can
come up with, Tinker Bell?

For heaven's sake. That is enough.

I will see counsel in
chambers. Clear the court.

QUIETLY: Shit.

Whatever happens, just nod.

Counsel, approach the bench.

You need one of my mum's cookies?

Van Tinker Bell West.

You learn something new every day.

Yep. There's a lot you
don't know about me.

How's your mum?

She's fine.

Dad's fine too.

'Course.

Of course.

There's something about this case
that I really don't like. You know
what I mean, don't you, Mr West?

Do you want this man's
job to be easy, Mr Needham?

Uncorroborated allegations;
circumstantial evidence;
badgering the witness...

This is the saddest excuse for
a prosecution I have ever seen.

Your Honour...

You have no further
witnesses, am I correct? ]

A lawyer not in love with the sound
of his own voice. What a relief,
Mr West.

You did it, man. Whoo!
You did it. You saved Sparky!

And society thanks you (!)
Now can I have my clothes back?

Man, this lawyer shit,
it's easy, bro.

You should try working at the
Lucky Dollar store, man — now,
that's hard.

Oi! Jethro. Ha ha!

What did I tell you? All you
need is faith, hope and kerosene.

No, you never told me that, Sparky.

Didn't I?
No.

I meant to.
Right.

Hey, look, um, about my fee...
Uh, I'm a bit short right now, eh?

If you need any
electrical work done—

It's taken care of, Sparky.

Hey. Tell Van if he wants to come
over and watch Backdraft again...

I'll pass it on.

Hi, mate. You haven't
got a light, have ya?

Oh, sure.

(SNIFFS) Cheers.

You might like to know that me and
Hayden found our thing in common.

You're both blonde (?)

No. We both hate stock cars.

I'm sorry (!) I was so wrong (!)
And that is such a strong basis
for a marriage (!)

You are gonna be a lonely old woman.

I look forward to my
wedding invitation,

and even more to being particularly
busy on that special day.

Your loss, spinster.

You have to come.
No, I don't.

We all have to be there.
Not me.

Well, you told Tracy to sort
it out, so she sorted it out.

Oh, you've got to come with us.

Yeah. We're a united front, Cheryl.

Oh God. All right.

Yeah, but not dressed like that.

What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

You've got to fly the flag, Cheryl.

Hi, guys. Mum.

Hi.
Here he is.

Hey, Dad.
Beer?

Yeah, I'd love one.

Well done.

God help us.

Let's leave the ladies to it.

Let's get her dressed when we
get there. Come on, let's go.

Cheryl, come on. People are waiting.

What about our dinner?
Forget about them.

My God, visions of loveliness.

Any time you want.

Back off. He's mine.

Hi.
Hi, baby.

Hey. Is Wolf here?

Well, he's not at work and he is on
home detention, so where else would
he be?

That's a good point, honey.

He's downstairs with Jethro.

I just need a quick word.

He so almost proposed then (!)

It may not happen overnight,
but it will happen.

I was telling Jethro how we need
Sparky do some work on a particular
job.

Yeah, a particularly big job.

Since you've proven yourself
to be a shit-hot lawyer,

we were wondering how you'd
feel about cleaning some money.

I reckon I could feel
pretty good about that.

I've always wanted my
picture in the Women's Weekly.

And now it's come true
and I look like a hippo.

Hey, but you have awesome tits.

True.

Oh, you look so much better.

Who are the stick insects?

They're in the Hoochie Girl contest.

And we've got to stand
by them in the photo?

Tracy said it would
be good publicity. ]

Good for her — she's a size .

Initially, Hoochie Mama didn't
take Malcolm's claim seriously.

I guess, not being men,
we couldn't really feel his pain.

Damn right you can't.

Once we saw his point, we resolved
to do whatever it took to make
Malcolm feel better.

Did we? When?
Shh.

And so, to that end,
and from here on in,

we will put labels in the packaging
of our crotchless knickers to warn
our male wearers of the dangers.

Really?
Look, Malcolm, we want to
help — in any way possible.

MAN: What about compensation?

Oh no. It was never about the money.

Malcolm just wanted
to be taken seriously.

WHISPERS: She's good.

And to show Malcolm how
seriously we're taking him,...

Ooh, here they come.

Here what come?

...I hope you'll accept this one-off
custom design as a way of saying
no hard feelings.

Oh my goodness.

We could call them
The Maneater, in your honour.

OK, who whipped up the man-panty?

Well, Tracy can't sew.

Why did no one tell me?

Tracy said you'd say
it was a stupid idea.

Yeah, you got that right.
But it worked.

Incredible. I'm blown away.
I don't know what to say.

'Give the man what he wants.'

That's good for me.
Shall we do the photos?

No hard feelings, Mrs West?

No hard feelings, Malcolm.

Oh, and I sense you're on the
way to recovery already. (LAUGHS)

If you and your husband would like
to come over for dinner, my wife
and I would love to have you.

Well, uh, thank you.
We'll, um, think about that.

PHOTOGRAPHER: OK, everyone —
big smile for Women's Weekly.

One more. And again.

LAUGHTER

So, you gonna join us, love?

Nah, I'm good, thanks.

You look hot. Doesn't she look hot?

She looks great.

What's the celebration?

Our son did some
very good work today.

I take it you got Sparky off.

Yep.

I thought I could
smell something burning.

You should be proud.

Should I?

I know I am.

Well, I'll leave you to it, then.

LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT TALKING

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'