02x15 - O God!

[bunniefuu]

We are gonna steal a shitload
of cash off these people.

These g*ng guys aren't gonna care
what they have to do to get back
their money.

(LAUGHS)

I'm not doing it. Aurora's worth way
more than some job and a truckload
of cash.

It's Sparky's time to shine.

You were supposed
to set it on a timer!

They've got the money!

Argh!

I don't know where he is, but if
you wanna talk, that's his number.

CHERYL: Wolf.

Tea? That's pretty bloody civilised.

Civilised place, this.

I should be at me origami class.

Origami?

Paper cuts are a bitch.

Well, you look good. I love the hat.

Makes me look like Bishan Bedi.

Who the f*ck is Bishan Bedi?

/ , second innings, Eden Park.

He was out for bugger all. Lost
to the little curry-munchers by
shitloads. Bedi got the last wicket.

I'd forgotten I was even
there. A lot going for it,
this brain-surgery lark.

Thanks for making me late, Mum.
Origami class will have already
started, and that's his favourite.

If he calls me a slut
again, I'll smack him.

[ Loretta, saying stuff
like that is wrong.

All I said was, 'What do
they put in the food here?'

Old people are very sensitive
about the way they smell.

So just cos she has a walking
frame, I'm supposed to shut up?

Sometimes that's a good idea.

Grandpa!

How come you're not
at origami class?

I was having tea with Wolf.

I thought the brain surgery was
supposed to make things better.

Hi, Grandpa.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

Sparky.

Long time no see.

How ya doing?

I have accepted
the Lord Jesus into my life.

Oh, that must be good for you.

Torment!

I am a pus-filled boil, festering
under God's all-seeing eye;
withering in his hatred.

Withering and festering.
Righto. And how can I help?

God has ordered me to confess to
every crime I've ever committed.

What, all of them?

If I don't, I will spend eternity
drowning in a sea of my own vomit.

Bummer.
Will you hear my confession?

Sparky, I'm not a priest.

I have no time for priests!

Spreading darkness where the light
of vengeance must shine and blind
the wrongdoers!

Sure, Sparky.

You wanna confess, I'm your man.

When I was ,
I burned down a church.

I ejaculated for the first
time as I watched it burn.

I crossed a line that day.

Sorry, I just don't get
why you're not arresting me.

Sparky, vengeance police-style
isn't divine retribution. The wheels
here turn a bit slower.

But I got my sister
to look after my cat.

I will be in touch. I swear.

Barry Gibbs — nothing's
burnt down lately, has it?

He just felt the need to talk to
someone. Guess it's my lucky day.

Talk about what?

Oh, sometimes with Sparky
it's not so easy to make out.

But he's bloody well connected,

so anything he does
spill, I wanna know.

Sure.

Sparky doesn't only wanna save his
own soul by confessing to every sin
he's ever committed,

he's looking to save every soul.

They who have sinned with me
must be brought to justice

so they may understand the torment
awaiting them in eternity.

When he says 'they'—
He wants to save every soul.

Next was my involvement — along with
Wolfgang, Jethro and Van West and
Hayden Peters —

in the theft of several
hundred-thousand dollars
from some gangs.

But Van wasn't even involved.

In Sparky's version, he was.

The ravings of an unhinged mind.

Not so unhinged.

I wrote everything down.

That's helpful, Barry.

If he gave you this, all
we have to do is destroy it.

Again, not so unhinged.

I'm not stupid, eh. I know there
are those out there who fear God's
wrath.

So in case something
happens — to me —

I've left copies

with my bank.

Top thinking, Barry.

He can take your family down. Now
Grisham's sniffing round and I don't
know how long I can keep him at bay.

Shit!

What do you see in him?

Hey, you went out with Hayden.

But that was before I knew he was
a sicko with a thing for underage
girls.

Shh!

Hi.
Hello, Pascalle.

Where's Ted?

In the toilet.

Are we still on for tonight?

You bet.

I'm looking forward to it.

Me too. (GIGGLES)

Good chatting.

We're going out to celebrate the end
of my court-imposed volunteer phase.

You mean they're letting you
loose on the inmates for real?

They are not inmates, Loretta.

But tonight I'm letting
Bruce loose on me.

Hang on — you guys have gone on
at least five dates, and he still
hasn't ploughed you?

Not all of us are
sluts like you, Loretta.

But that's a record by four dates!

Load off me mind.

And when you were in there,
the fabric of the universe changed.

That's nice.

TENSE MUSIC

Sparky! (BANGS ON DOOR)

WOOD CLATTERS

Sparky?

Sparky, it's Cheryl West.
The door was, uh, kind of open.

ELECTRICITY FIZZES

LIGHT BULBS CLICK AND HUM

HLAH'S 'CHEVROLET'

♪ Yeah.

Oh no.

♪ Lock down. I'm not behind you.

♪ I never have been.
I never will be. ♪

Repent! Repent now! Repent, I say,

before the Lord turns his fiery
gaze upon you and you are consumed
by his wrath

and turned to ash where you stand!
Oh, gidday, Cheryl, how ya doin'?

Not good, Sparky.
Have you repented?

No, but I hear you'll
repent to anyone.

I have a lot to repent for.

Can we go somewhere private to talk?

But I must bring others to
justice in God's court so they
may be punished and ex*cuted.

I'm sorry for Van, Jethro and
Wolf, but you can't argue with
God—

You want sinners? I'll give
you sinners. Come on. Come on!

When Sparky does something
mental, I have to deal with it!

The alternative is Sparky gives
his version of events to the cops.

I didn't even do the robbery, Mum!

Well, in Sparky's version, you did.

(MUTTERS)

Man, this is so unfair!

Take him back to his
place and keep him there

before he opens his bloody mouth
to someone we don't want him to.

The cops.
Them too.

The gangs, Van.

Oh yeah, that would be bad, eh.

Yes. It would.

MUTTERS: ...electric chair just
that. I could t*rture them. Bzzzzz!
Like that.

And for fornicators, like Van, there
is a vast room where the wretched
souls kneel, facing the wall naked,

their knobs plugged into the wall
socket. Bzzzt! volts coursing
through their body for all eternity.

Can we talk about
this at your place?

I can draw you a picture.
If you like.

The room for sodomites is worse.

I'll bet.
But smaller.

Holy shit.
Exactly. So Sparky's
urge to cleanse himself

means holy shit for a lot of people,
not just you, you understand?

Ooh, yeah.
[ Good, then sort it.

Me?
Yeah. I've put him back in his box
for the moment. Now it's your turn.

To do what?
To stop him. You're Mr Clever
Pants Criminal, aren't you?

You got us all involved in
this fiasco in the first place.

It was Dad's bloody plan!

Yeah, and he's not here now, is he?

HLAH'S 'HATE MAIL' PLAYS

♪ Hate mail. I get hate mail. ♪

The tropical thing is really cool.

Nirvana.
Mm. I loved them.

It's a place, not a them.

No — Kurt Cobain.
On the f*cking wall.

He means the picture, Van.

That's not Nirvana.

Sparky's saying the picture on the
wall is his own personal nirvana.

Yes!

When every last sin is purged from
every stinking orifice of my putrid
body, I will attain...

Fiji.
Nirvana. When it's all good, he'll
end up in the picture, not the band.

Oh. Cool.

DS Judd — you got a minute?

Bring Sparky Gibbs in.

Any particular reason?

For his own safety.

Apparently he's wiping the slate
clean. He didn't mention this?

Oh, all I got from Sparky was
a lot of religious hoo-ha.

Let's bring him in for
a prayer session, shall we?

Sure.

It's not a problem, is it — Sparky
being an associate of the Wests?

Would you wanna be
associated with Sparky?

Shall we pray together?

What's this for?
Prayer without pain is
prayer without repentance.

THWACK!
Ooh! No, no, no. I'm good here.

Yeah, me too.
But you have sinned.

Bullshit.
Fornicators! Both of you, together.

You have... uncovered your...
private parts to each other.

He knows. He has seen.

Who?
God, you idiot!

But we love each other.

That won't save you from vengeance.

I'm not whacking myself with
a cord just cos God's some perv.

He's everywhere. Of course he's
gonna watch. You uncover your
privates, he can't help but notice.

That's just sick, man.

Don't say that!

He is, cos if two people that love
each other more than anything wanna
boof each other, then he should—

he should turn his other cheek!

He can't because he's God!

He just a perv that
likes to watch, man.

We will pray with you,
Sparky. Let's pray.

Won't we, Van?

Yeah... But we don't have to hit
ourselves with the power cords if
we don't want.

I've got Van keeping an eye on
him, and Jethro on the case.
What the hell else can I do?

Convincing Grisham I'm not
in your pocket would be good.

I don't have a pocket any more.

That's not the way he sees it.

I'm so sorry my idiot family got
you caught up in all of this.

You call Wolf?

He ran away.

I'm not letting him back in.

We'll sort it.

Do you think Sparky will give a shit
if we tell him to pull his head in?

Uh, if we put the hard word on him.

Now he's taking his orders from
God. We can't compete with that.

If we're holding a couple of
pieces of four-by-two he might.

OK, that's the kind of thing
my sister would suggest.

Yeah. Yeah, probably.

My -year-old sister.

But in many ways, she's
older than either of us.

Except in actual years.
It's legal — get over it.

(SNIFFS)

OK, we can't smack
Sparky, all right?

But we do know people
that can. (SNIFFS)

Wake up. Wake up!

Get off my bed.

I've done something stupid.

If you woke me whenever you did
something stupid, I would never
sleep. Go!

OK, Dr Bruce and
I had the best date.

We went go-kart racing, and I
kicked his cute little arse, and...

it was beautiful, and
then he dropped me home.

TRADITIONAL INDIAN MUSIC

He's not in here, is he?

What? No. If he was in anyone's
room, it should be mine. But...

This is when you are
supposed to say, 'But what?'

(SIGHS) But what?

You know, you can stay
the night if you want.

No one will mind.

Pascalle,

I should have told you something.

You're married.
No. No, no.

You're divorced?
No.

You're a 'bachelor for life' guy.

In a way. But I don't think in
the way you're thinking. You see...

'You see,' what?

I'm a virgin.

Get the f*ck out.

Get the f*ck out.

When I was at school
I was— well, I was a geek,

So I gave up on the idea of sex
and got on with my work, which
led to med school and more work.

Then I was too busy for sex.
And then when I started at the
hospital, I gave it a bit of shot,

but I was generally too
overworked and too tired,

or I'd get called out. I never met
the right girl. In the end, it just
never happened.

The only person I've had a sexual
experience with... is me.

Ew! That's too much
information, Bruce.

That's when I did my stupid thing.

You told him about rooting
the water polo team?

No! Why would I do that?

For the 'your experiences
kind of balance out' angle.

No!

(SIGHS) In fact, I kind of
went way the other way.

Wow. That's amazing.

You know what? I-I'm a virgin too.

(GASPS, LAUGHS)

I like him and I didn't want him
to reject me just because I've been
generous with my affections.

And did he buy it?

Not at first, no.

I'm sorry. I just
assumed... because—

Because of my family, right?

Yeah, I don't blame you.

My sister is this total slut. Her
boyfriend is four times older than
her.

Two!
No, it's just that...

You're so beautiful...

and confident with your body.

I assumed.

I'm sorry.

It's OK. Heaps of people
make the same mistake.

And then what?

He didn't stay, otherwise I
wouldn't be in here talking to you.

We agreed we had stuff to talk
about. Then he gave me a goodnight
kiss.

It was the best kiss ever.

DREAMY INDIAN MUSIC

I should go.

Goodnight.

f*ck.

(PHONE BEEPS)

You track down Sonny Weepu?

Yeah, he's in Taumarunui.

Says we have his,... (READS)
'full support in stopping Sparky,'
and he wishes us luck. Wimp.

Yeah. He suggested Dane Harris.
Dane said he'd rather bite off his
own d*ck than deal with Sparky.

What about Mule Berenson? He's
psychotic. Do anything for money.

He's inside. Robbed a bottle store.
Didn't you get him off that?

Yeah. He robbed another
one to celebrate.

There's no one around that wants to
give Sparky the bash. What's wrong
with world?

How can he pray all night?

Sparky's done so much speed that his
body thinks it's high even when it's
not.

I don't wanna stay here.

All that stuff about uncovering
your-your-your sexual parts —
it-it's rude.

I don't really mind.

In fact, when he starts talking
about you uncovering your sexual
parts,... I get horny.

Choice!

(GIGGLES)

Hey! There shall be none of that
sort of behaviour in a house of God!

It's not. It's a shed.

This is a house of God.

No, it isn't.
It is.

No, it isn't.
It is.

No, it isn't!

Well, it's as close
as I can make it, OK?

(SOBS) And it's not my fault. It
wasn't my fault. I was just a kid.

I didn't know what I was doing.

Um, it's OK, Sparky.

No. No, it's not. That's
why God is punishing me.

It's why he appeared to me that day.

You've actually seen God?

When he gave me my mission.

What, did you stick your
finger in a light socket?

No, no. This wasn't fun at all —

having God's rank
breath upon your face.

So, what does God look like, then?

Well,... (SNIFFS) you've
got to remember that...

God works in mysterious ways, right?

[ Hello, Sparky.

I thought you'd left town.

I didn't know you drank.

Didn't seem any point not to.

Jesus, Sparky, you've gotta
get it together all right?

DEEP VOICE: Cos Christ Almighty,...
(NORMAL VOICE) no other bastard's
gonna sort out your life for ya.

I mean,... (DEEP VOICE) God,...
(NORMAL VOICE) you may want everyone
to go to... (DEEP VOICE) hell,...

NORMAL VOICE: you're the only one
who can make it right. Get f*cking
stuck into it, Sparky.

DEEP VOICE: And that is
my final word on the matter.

Eric is God?

No! No, he spoke through
Eric, you numbskull.
Why Eric?

Because God works in
mysterious ways, doesn't he?

I've been thinking about
this virginity thing,

and I think it could be a good
thing for our relationship.
I can do virginity.

Pascalle, I know that when
you left my room last night

you went into your room and employed
your little vibrating friend.

You can hear through the wall?!

Yeah.
You're sick. Don't listen.

I'm not the one with inches
of plastic up my duff.

Better than inches of Hayden.

At least he's not my brother.
Half-brother! Way, way different!

The point is, you and virginity
parted company many, many years ago.

Well, I could just
pretend for a while.

Pascalle, cast your mind back, way
back, through the mists of time to
your first time.

There's something about that first
time that's a little bit different
to all the other times.

Oh yeah.

Well, maybe Bruce won't notice.

Bruce is a doctor.

Oh yeah.

(FARTS, SIGHS)

Eric, Eric, Eric.

Oh, not now.

I thought you were my scrote. Now I
hear you've been talking to Grisham.

I didn't have much bloody choice.

There's always a choice, Eric.

Not in my experience.

Generally, some bastard cop leans on
ya. You tell him what you need to
to get him to hook off.

So you told him about Sparky.

That's who he asked about.

When did he ask?

Yesterday lunchtime. I just told
him Sparky's gone off his nut.

Keeps saying how he's God's tool and
we're all going to hell with him.

I'd like to catch the bastard
that pushed that button.

How long's Sparky been saying this?

Couple of weeks.

You didn't think to tell me.

Well, you didn't ask. Anyway, you're
all on the same bloody side, aren't
ya?

Don't hurt yourself
zipping that thing up.

WATER SLOSHES

Two weeks without saying anything?
Jesus, I will bloody smack him.

Be my guest.

Grisham isn't just taking
a passing interest in this.

Do we move Sparky out of his shed?

Nah. Grisham's waiting
to see what I do next.

Why?
See if I'm hiding
evidence,... which I am.

Shit. God, sorry. I keep
forgetting you're a cop.

Yeah, so do I.

So what happens if Grisham finds out
you're holding Sparky's confession?

You've got your crack troops on the
problem, so what's to worry about?

CORD CRACKS
Ugh!

Sparky, uh, Van went down
the service station and-and
got you a pie.

I don't eat meat now. There's a hell
for those who eat meat — a wall of
Marshall amps, all turned up to

but the only sound that comes out
are the screams of dying animals.
(GROWLS)

Sparky, have you ever thought that
the whole punishment-vengeance thing
might be, you know,

barking up the wrong tree?

Barking mad.

Are you doubting the will of God?

No. No, I'm just saying...
what if it isn't the will of God?

But He appeared to me—

Sparky, you know how the Bible
comes in two halves, right?

Well, the half I like is the bit
where God is all about love and
forgiveness.

God wants vengeance.

Not the God I know.

The God I know would look
at you and see a good man;

a man who wanted to do right;
to make up for his past.

And He would take you into His
arms and forgive your sins.

(LAUGHS) A gay God.

Are you saying that it wasn't
God who appeared to me at all?

All I'm saying is that the God
I know is all about kindness and
forgiving.

Not this.

How about we just think
about that for a while, eh?

[ AURORA: (LAUGHS)

[ (LAUGHS)

LAUGHS: I thought you wanted
to go to sleep! (LAUGHS)

Oh! Uh...

Sparky better be bloody
under there with you.

Jesus, Mum! He's at his house!

You're meant to be there with him!

It's OK. It's cool, Mum.
Aurora sorted him out.
How?!

She was awesome. They talked
about the Bible and shit.

They talked for ages. So now Sparky
is all over vengeance. Now he's into
forgiveness.

Yeah — New Testament style.

Yeah, when we left, he was praying
for forgiveness. Yeah, heaps of it.

It looked like he was settling
in for quite a long session, eh.

Look, he doesn't wanna dob us in any
more, Mum. Aurora's saved the day!

ROCK MUSIC

If you want a job done
properly, you do it yourself.

f*ckin' oath.

Here, take an iron.
I'll use the sand wedge.

Sparky?

Sparky.

Sparky, we need a word!

Enjoy.
Hello, Munter.

Hey, hey, Sparky, uh,
you want a meat pack?

I haven't got any money.
Nah, that's cool.

I want your forgiveness.

OK. Yeah, I forgive you
for not having any money.

No, no. Not that — though, thanks.

I'm talking about your letter box.

Four years ago.

You're the one who burnt Mum's
letter box? That's why she moved
to the Coromandel!

I was a lost unit. I was causing
hurt and distress for my own sexual
pleasure.

Cool, cool. You know, it was an ugly
letter box and Mum really likes it
down the Coromandel.

You're forgiven, man.

Oi, you mean that?

Yeah, nah, for sure. For sure.

Thank you. Ha, ha. Oh, it's good.

It feels good. With each apology, I
can feel God's forgiveness flooding
through my body.

So you're apologising for
everything. Big job. Good luck, eh?

Mum, I'm telling you, Sparky's
cool. He's into love now.

Sparky is cool when I say he's cool.

[ But he'll make us pray again.

You better pray he hasn't
done anything stupid.

Maybe someone else sorted him out.

Is God Ozzy Osbourne?

No, Lemmy from Motorhead.

If someone else did sort him
out, we should get out of here.

Is that your advice,
is it, as a lawyer?

No. That's as someone that doesn't
wanna get arrested for nothing.

Yeah, point.

Jesus!
Yah!

Van!
What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?
Looking after Sparky.

Oh, good job (!) He's not here.

Ballroom-dancing time.

Not today, Grandpa.

Then I'll have to dance with that
Ngaire woman who grabs me arse.

Maybe next week.

If I have to slap her,
it's your fault.

I've been thinking about
what you said last night.

So have I.

A lot.

Maybe we were thinking
the same thing.

Probably not.

What were you thinking?

How scared I am.

Of what?

Of— It's embarrassing.

I'm a doctor, for heaven's sake.
I have degrees. I'm tongue-tied
like an idiotic teenager.

I was thinking what an honour to
be your first, and I hope I don't
disappoint.

When and if that ever happens,
that is, of course.

Wow! We were thinking, kind of,

almost the same thing.

If I tell Bruce the truth, he's
gonna lose all respect for me
then he's gonna dump me

and then I'm gonna lose the cutest
most loveliest guy in the whole wide
world,

so I really don't have any choice
but to just keep the lie going.

Yeah, that's far more honourable (!)

Whatever I do, I am screwed.

Just not in the way I wanna be.

There's always the surgical
option. Hymen-repair surgery?

The cherry you popped at , they
whack some fake blood up there, sew
it up,

and wham, bam — everyone's
a winner on the night.

No way.

What the hell?

f*ck!

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

It's export quality, top grade.
It was a huge success at the Rusty
Nail.

I hope I'm not going to find that
you've sold another pack to Van.

No. Van wasn't at the Rusty Nail.

Good — he's meant to
be looking after Sparky.

Sparky was at the Rusty Nail.

Sorry?
Yeah. He asked me to forgive him for
some stuff that happened years ago.

Hold on.

Sparky was at the pub?

Yeah, last time I saw him he was
talking to that freaky bad-arse
Tyson.

What? ]

CELLPHONE RINGS

Hello?
You have to come home.

Pascalle, I'm a bit busy right now.

You have to f*cking
come home right now.

SOMBRE MUSIC

GLASS CRUNCHES

They even took my soft toys.

I guess we've done this to enough
people in our family history.
What goes around comes around.

How the f*ck is that meant to help?

Neighbours said a truck
backed up the driveway.

There was a car with it, six guys.
Took them a couple of hours. They
thought we were moving.

I think I kind of spoiled the party
when I told them otherwise.

We should call the police.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh. Right.

And what the f*ck are
you going to do?
Jethro.

Who will care about
the Wests getting robbed?

It's gonna be the biggest laugh in
years down at the Henderson cop
shop, and what can he do?

As much as I hate the fact,

he's right.

f*ck him.

RING TONE

Please leave a message
after the tone.

BEEP!

This is a message for Wolfgang
West. This is his wife, Cheryl.

Because of him, his family doesn't
have any furniture, food, anything,

because some g*ng ripped off the lot
because some bastard ripped them
off.

Thanks to you, Wolf — and your
genius choice of Sparky as your
offsider — our home's been gutted.

Sparky's gone and told the whole
world what you and him and our sons—

What you did.

When's it gonna end, eh?

I mean, I don't give a shit about
the furniture. When's it gonna
bloody end?

You don't care. You started it.
Now you're hiding like some
chicken-shit arsehole.

You're not a father any more.
You're a piece of shit. f*ck you!

f*ck you for the rest
of your f*cking life!

CELLPHONE THUDS, CLATTERS

(PANTS)

Did he say where he was going?

Just, 'Tell her I had
to go out,' then he did.

Jesus.

OBJECTS CRUNCH

It's a good thing
you're insured, eh?

Oh, Jeez, Cheryl. I would have
thought a sensible woman like
yourself—

Sorry. Look, I'll, uh, I'll sort out
what I can from the shop — beds and
shit.

The good stuff, too.

Thank you, Eric.

Who the hell would do such a thing?

Well, you probably don't have
to worry about Sparky any more

if he was last seen
spilling his guts to Tyson.

I'll go down to Briscoes or
somewhere, get a bunch of stuff —
whatever you need.

Everything.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Jethro West.

What's this I hear about
the house getting cleaned out?

Where are you?
Is it true?!

Yeah. Everything's gone.

Is this down to Sparky running his
f*cking mouth off all over town?

It pretty much looks like it.

Well, why did no one stop him?
It's a long story.

I don't wanna hear a long story.
I wanna know why he wasn't dealt to.

It just never happened, OK?

Dad?

Shit.

You OK?

This is my fault.

No. This is Dad's fault.

No. I have to sort
this out with Tyson.
No, you don't.

Yes, I do. He took your whole house,
and he won't stop there unless
I talk to him.

Even if that was a good
idea — which it's not —

how are you going to
do that? He hates you.

Since you left him for me.

Actually, I have had coffee
with him a couple of times.

What?

He's really sad, Van. His whole life
has turned around since I left.

He held you prisoner.

No, he's changed.

I rescued you from that hole. No way
I am letting you go back in there.

You won't have to.

OK.

This is not what I'd expect the new
hideout of the most feared g*ng in
NZ to look like.

Yeah, I arranged it. So what?

You took my family's
entire life, man.

Talk to the Brotherhood. It was
either give them your shit for their
new pad or get my kneecaps broken.

Call yourself a Horseman, bro?
You're a p*ssy, more like.

There are no Horsemen, cocksucker!

Not since your old man
ripped the guts out of us!

We died that day, and now
the buzzards are circling and
I gotta pay 'em any way I can.

So is it over?
Pfft! Look at the state of
me, man. 'Course it's over.

Not for you, dickhead.
For my family.

You got anything else
worth stealing?

Nuh.
Well, you know where
your old man is?

Nuh.

Well, then, yeah,...

it's over.

Everything's over.

Yeah? Well, let that
be a lesson to you.

Guys, can you, um, can you
leave us alone a minute?

What?

Please.

Come on, now.

Come on, baby.
Come on.

I'm gonna do it.

What?

The thing you talked about.
The hymen thing — to get my
virginity back. I want it all back.

All those guys, all
those useless lays —

I want it all back.

And I think having our entire
house stolen — it's a sign.

If you say so.

It is! It's like we all have to
start over again — I have to start
again...

with Bruce, as my second first time.

She's been in there ages.

I know.
Ages.

Yeah, we know. I mean, it's not like
she's suddenly going to go back to
him again,

you know, now that he's
turned into a big p*ssy.

She's got this whole 'save the poor,
poor little hurt kitty cat' thing
going on, right?

It'd k*ll me if she did.

Oh, sorry, bro.

He's a complete wreck.

Oh.

His world fell apart after
the whole... You know.

MUTTERS: Will you marry me?

What?!

Will you marry me?

Is this cos of Sparky and
the whole us-being-sinners thing?

What?! No!

This is about me going insane cos
you were in there and I was out here

and I kept going
crazier by the second

cos I kept thinking you might never
come back and I didn't know what I'd
do if you didn't. And...

you're my f*cking world.

Will you marry me?

Shit, yeah.

BOTH LAUGH

[ BOTH KISS

The last woman who almost married
Van came to her senses and ran away.

Eh, don't mention Draska's
name out loud, idiot.

It's like attracting
vampires or something.

She didn't say her name, you did.

Oh. Shit.

I'm not running anywhere.

At least we're sorted in case you
need me to iron your shirts for you.

Oh, yeah, there was a sale.

Some towels don't change the fact
I'm still f*cking furious with both
of you.

They had some duvets on special.
We could pop back and...

That'd be great if we had beds.

Just as soon as I get the
truck fixed. (CLICKS MOUTH)

Where'd you get to?

I kinda broke my wrist.

Oh my God. How?

(GRUNTS PAINFULLY)
f*ck!

Let's just say at the time it hurt
like f*ck, but sometimes a little
pain is what it takes.

This is bullshit.

The doctor was adamant that such
an injury would compromise my work
as a police officer.

You can't sh**t anyone with
a broken wing, can you, sir?

We know whose side you're on.

I'm on my side, sir.

So you're not a cop any more?

When the paperwork comes through,
along with my big fat cheque.

Ooh — how big?

Back off.

Why?

It's impossible being
a cop round you, woman.

And you can't do shit
like this when you're a cop.

Where's your lighter?

You can do the honours.

What is it?

The source of the problem.

And now,...

problem gone.

Not exactly. I mean,
Sparky did make copies.

And he's still out there somewhere
isn't he? Unless he's dead.

I dunno, are you dead, Sparky?

What?!

I found him outside skulking.

He wants your forgiveness, but
he's a bit worried about your wrath.

I know it's not much—

OBJECTS CRUNCH

...but, um, I really
do wanna say... sorry for...

Didn't quite think it
all the way through, eh?

One man's forgiveness is
another man's vengeance.

Your kitchen's on fire, by the way.

Shit.

Nice little fire, that.

Sorry! Sorry.

TOWEL HISSES

If you say anything to anyone
about this, I will f*cking get
so Old Testament on your arse—

No, no, no, no, no. I'm sh**ting
through; out of your life.

I've got a church to build.
Sorry?

I had a bit of a, uh,... visitation.

And after some discussion, we
figured my life went off the rails

when I was and I burnt down
a church and I masturbated—

Uh, they don't need to
know the full story, Sparky.

Oh, right. Yeah.

So I'm going down country to build
a new church — out in the bush.

Making restitution, like.

Become a hewer of wood, like Jesus.

He even provided me with
the funds to do the job.

Who, Jesus did?

No, no, no — Wolf.

Yeah, he sorted the
whole bloody thing out.

ROCK MUSIC

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.' ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES