03x16 - A Jig or a Tale of Bawdry

[bunniefuu]

Unless you're another one of those
useless guys who want to live off
me like some life-sucking leech.

Hey, come on.

Stuff you, Munter. I don't need
another f*cking loser in my life.

I ain't got no job. I don't
contribute sh*t. Yeah, maybe
I should just piss off.

We are together. We're not two.
We're like more than two.

Yeah, yeah, like three.

We gotta find a way to make the most
of this strange and unusual power.

Yep.

OK, so what's all this about, then?

WHISPERS: Hurry up. Hurry up.

We're got an announcement.

True. Um, like,...

...make.
Yeah.

You're getting married?

They're poofs. (CACKLES)
Shut up.

JUDD: Pregnant.
Shut up.

Look, as you know, we've been
looking for our calling for a
while now,

and we're always been
entrepreneurs at heart.

Totally, baby. You so are.

And it took us a while, but the
signs, they were always there.

'There were loads of signs.'

CAN HISSES

RATTLING

BANGING

'And then there were more signs.'

Sweet as.

Professional as.

'Then we realised.'

That we were being
called by our calling—

It's a brilliant idea.

Yeah, so, uh, tonight is the
official launch of our brand new
business,

because as of tonight we are—
we're officially in business.

HEAVY GUITAR MUSIC

LAUGHTER

Guys tool.

Got one part right.

No,... (SIGHS) it's Tool Guys.

The...Tool Guys.

You certainly are.

I designed their corporate look.

LAUGHTER

People need stuff fixed.

A lot of people aren't able to do
it themselves, especially chicks.

Yeah, so we'll be
able to do it for them...

and seven.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

What?

What?
What?

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

Fencing, gardening, painting.
Electrical work?

Since when did you know
anything about electrics?

I learnt some sh*t off Sparky.

Yeah, sh*t's right.
Plumbing?

Munter fixed my leaky tap.

I replaced the washer.

And you actually think that
people are gonna call you... guys?

We've put hundreds in letter boxes.

Yeah, and-and we left
a bunch at the Golden Wonton.

Heaps of people go there. And...

[ Well, we got a special
Tool Guys' phone...

LAUGHTER
...with a— with a Tool Guys' number.

We're just waiting for it to ring.

It's so gonna ring.

How about another round
while we're waiting?

(SNIGGERS)

READS: 'You name it, we're up for
it. At your service night and day.'

You don't think that people are
gonna misunderstand this, do you?

It says there, 'Need handyman
action, call The Tool Guys'.

You know, and their rates
are really reasonable.

Right. (LAUGHS)

You boys seem very organised.

You gonna take the piss as well?

No, no. These brochures —
they're very professional.

Oh, cheers, bro.
Yeah.

[ Tool Guys, eh?
BOTH: Yeah.

So, um, how many tools
do you actually have?

Oh, that's not going to get those
security systems in place, is it?

Someone give you a job, Trotsky?

Yeah, looks that way, old fulla.

Death is so unfair.

You work in an old folks home, which
is pretty much God's waiting room.

No, Mrs Svensson was different —
she was special.

She left me a gift.
Cash?

No, it's something much more
significant than money.

Her house?
No.

This.
A jigsaw? ]

(SIGHS) Mrs Svensson's last jigsaw.

Oh, lucky you (!)

Mm. And she gave me this, too.

Ooh, that's more like it.

That's just a necklace, but this
— this is really amazing.

Mrs Svensson told me that jigsaws
hold the key to life's greater
meaning.

So she was seriously medicated?

She was dying, so obviously. It's
really sad because she never got to
do this.

So I'm going to do it for her —
right here, right now —

and find the meaning.

Jesus. pieces.

You guys can help me if you want.

I got that security plan. I gotta...

sh*t, I'm running really late.

I just don't want to.
Grandpa?

I've got an appointment with
Best Bets and a tricky grogan.

I'll do it by myself, then.

A jigsaw, man! I've
always wanted one of these.

Sweet, man. What are they for?

For making holes. If there was no
hole in the middle of this leaner,
bro, I could put one right there.

Well,... if it had a blade.

Yeah, Falani, some of these
tools seem pretty old, man.

Indeed, my friend.

The older the hand-tool, the more
wisdom in the hand that holds it.

How much?

You're young businessmen. Let's
not talk about such crass things.

Cool.

To The Tool Guys.

Yeah!
Yeah.

To The Tool Guys.
All right. Cheers, bros.

I predict you will be busy soon,
entering the homes of many people,

taking care not to damage
their expensive appliances...

CELLPHONE BEEPS
...that will remain unguarded.

Oh, f*ck,... no way.

Uh,... job.
What?

Th-Th-There's a job.

f*ck, it's happening, man.
OK, uh...

(BABBLES)

Let's do it.
N-Neglected wide-screen TVs...

Oh, so lonely. They'll be
looking for a new home!

Here is it, bro. Yee-hee!
Show me the money!

Choice.

Loaded. Choice.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi.
Hey.

I'm Karen.
Hi, I'm Van

and this is Munter.

I wasn't expecting both of you.

Oh, we always work together so we
can offer a full range of services —
plumbing, electrical—

Plumbing?
Yeah, well, we do anything.

Look, what I got from your flyer was
the extra care and attention any
time...

Yeah!
And my husband's away, so...

Do you actually have anything
wrong with your place?

Uh, I-I-I do have
a blocked gutter.

Oh, easy. ]

(GIGGLES) That's all
part of the service?

Yeah, for sure.

You guys'll put husbands
out of business.

Yeah.

Why don't, uh,...you come in?

OK.

Cool. (WHISPERS) She's got guttering
on the inside of her house.

What?
Um, uh, won't be a tick.

Yeah, a tick.

What?
Oh, man, this ain't right.

Indoor guttering's pretty weird, eh?

Dude, she's after our tools,
and not the ones on our belts.
The one in your trousers, man.

What? The Van-a-tron?
Yeah!

Choice.
No, no, no, not choice.

No.
She thinks we're, like,
guy hookers, man.

(SNIGGERS) No f*ckin' way.

Yes f*ckin' way.

Why would she think that? There's
nothing on here about rooting.

It does say, 'We do anything.' And I
guess 'Full range of services, full
care, any time — night or day'

and 'Ladies, don't be shy to call —
we're the men for you' could be read
a couple of ways.

sh*t, man!

So what do we do?

We tell her no. Come on.

Yep, but—but...

One minute.

What about 'the customer
is always right', man?

We're not here to do the ladies.

Well, you can't, cos you're married.

I ain't married.
Well, you've got a missus — Kasey.

Bro, this ain't our business.

No, but if we don't deliver,
then it's bad for business. See?

We should go.

OK. Munt, I've got it.

I've got it, OK?

There's two of us, right?

And we're in this together, huh?

CELLPHONE RINGS

Oh yeah, uh, hello.

Yeah, nah, for sure, man.

Yeah, what's your address?

And, uh,... what do you need doing?

Oh, yeah, OK. Yep, we'll be
there as soon as we can.

WOMAN SHRIEKS

MAN GRUNTS, WOMAN SQUEALS

About half an hour.

(GROANS CLIMACTICALLY)

(GRUNTS)

There. I'm finished.

All you've done is turn
the pieces the right way up.

It's a crucial part of the process.

Mrs Svensson, she would turn them
all over and she'll call out,

'I'm ready to get jiggy with it,
Pascalle.' She was so sweet.

Jiggy?

Yeah, it's the official
term for jigsaw-doing.

That's not sweet, that's tragic.

You could do the green bit.

I have no interest in
your pathetic hobby.

But there are so many pieces and so
many of them are, like, nearly the
same,

but a bit different. There must
be hundreds of ways they can go
together.

Pascalle,... there's only one way.

Picture. Pieces.

Put pieces together
to make picture.

See, you are really
good at strategy.

There's no strategy. It's a jigsaw.

See?

Therapy for retards.

Oh my God, you are a natural.
No.

Go on, let's get jiggy.
No way.

Are you saying you can't?

Not that I can't, but that I won't,
because jigsaws are stupid.

You can't do it.
Ohh (!)

(SIGHS) Fine. Fine.

I'll only help you
for, like, minutes.

SLAP!

(LAUGHS)

Yee-hoo!

There you go, mate.

I didn't do the work.

Yeah, but you did an awesome
job on the guttering, bro.

Bro!

I thought we were meant to be The
Tool Guys — you know, fixing stuff,
being useful, doing it together.

We shared the load and split
the cash — it's all good.

Is this how it'll be? You get
the chick; I get the guttering?

You don't want the chick,
man — you got Kasey.

But I did want the chick.

Nah, man.

Why didn't she want me?

Well, I dunno, maybe she was more
cappuccino than mochaccino.

Hey, you're a really
good-looking guy. It's all good.

It was a one-off, all right?
It's not going to happen again.

Mostly, we're gonna be building
fences — sh*t like that, you know?

Come on. What's our next job?

Oh, uh, this guy Graham, he's got
a problem with his TV cabinet.

See?

See?!

Don't worry about it, man.

And if Graham wants any
extras, he's all yours.

DOOR SHUTS

Hard day at the office? ]

Un-f*cking-believable.

Natural ruby rondelles, bezel and
prong set throughout. You've done
well, girl.

I don't think I'm gonna keep it.
Really?

I'll hock it for you.
Keep it simple: / .

No, I meant I should give it back.

Oh my God, how did you
know that those go there?

Straight bits, which is usually
a hint they might go on an edge,

Which is traditionally
where they go.

Well, there's heaps of straight
bits. Do you want to help?

Yeah, OK.

We're having so much fun.

I need more blue.

I've got shitloads of blue.

I've got a corner.
There you are, sweetheart.

Oh, thank you.

That-That's real money, bro, that
we really earned... together.

Oh, the fruits of commerce, eh?

Yeah. We're in business, Falani.

Then I'm very proud to give you your
first invoice — for tools rendered.

bucks?

We can't pay that!

You don't have to pay until the th
of the month. But if cash flow is an
issue, may I make a suggestion?

Now, you have clients, right?
Yeah.

Clients who can afford to hire
you guys to fix things, right?

Yeah.
Yeah, so they probably can afford
to lose, say, a flat-screen TV, DVD—

No. No way!

No, no, no, you don't have to take
it. Just an inventory of, like, uh,
all the good stuff.

Then we won't worry
about the invoice.

Oh,... no, Falani, that's
a... that's a really bad idea.

Our clients would've met
us. They'll have our number.

Yeah, um, we did— We kinda got into
this so we didn't have to do that
sh*t.

Oh, um, I'm sorry you
don't share my vision.

RINGING
I'm also sorry I forgot
to put GST on the bill.

Make it an even nine.
Eh?!

Prick.

The Tool Guys. Hey.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Gidday. Yep.
Yeah, you're right — and seven.

What?

Oh, nah, I don't think
that's such a good...

OK.
CELLPHONE BEEPS
What?

Oh, just that... Karen chick again.

What?

Nothing. She's just got
this friend called Gail.

She has a thing for brown guys and
she's sent a picture. You don't
wanna see it.

Hey! No— You don't— You...

Oh, dude, she's nude.

Nah. No, look, even though she's
hot, you don't wanna do it, man.

Bro, I love Kasey, but...
it ain't like we're married.

I really wanna do this, man, for
the business. Kasey won't know.

She's a woman — she'll know.

Bro, we have responsibilities,

and I don't wanna be the
gutter guy all the time.

OK. Give me the keys to the vehicle.

Why?

You go find Kasey.
I'm there for you, mate.

It won't work if we're not together.

Look, that's a risk I'm prepared to
take — for you; for the business.

Come on.

Oh, excuse me.

Could you please give my friend here
a jug of whatever he would like?

Wow. A jigsaw.

f*ck it. It can't be done.

Ha! She admits defeat.

No, I don't. It's just pointless
and a complete waste of time.

Hear, hear!

Come on, get into it.

If you wanna do something pointless,
why don't you do the dishes?

Ooh, Ted, nice line of sky.

Thank you, Porky. ]

You're seriously gonna
do the whole thing?

[ Where are we going to eat?

We are finding
life's greater meaning.

Which is...?
You'd find out, if you
weren't such a quitter.

I'd rather put my hand in a blender.

If you walk out that
door, you are dead.

Excuse me?

Put the necklace back in the box.

I bet you all get some weird
collective brain haemorrhage.

I got one! I got one.

That doesn't go there.

Yeah, it does, if you push it in.

If it don't fit, don't force it.

Hey, Tool Guy!
Hey, Mrs West.

Wouldn't know a level from a bevel.

Are you ready to go?
Yeah, I'm just doing a jigsaw, hon.

Not very well.

These are like the original
Game Boy. Come on, let's go.

No, wait. I have to find this piece.

Kase, we gotta go now.
Yeah, bugger off.

Soon, soon.

WHISPERS: Baby, I want
you so bad right now.

If you don't come home with me now,
I'm gonna bend you over this table—

Ew! No way are you doing that
on the jigsaw.

There'll be no hanky-panky —
we could lose a piece.

OK. Take me away.

Yay!

How'd it go?
Yeah, yeah. (GIGGLES) Good.
Yeah, I did the business.

Here's your, uh,... share.

Some fool paid you?

To do what?

Kase, come on!

CLIMACTIC GASPING

(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)

CONTENTED SIGHING

(PANTS)

Being a Tool Guy makes you come home
so hot and horny. I loves that.

You OK?

PLAYFULLY: You wanna go again?

Nah.

I want you to marry me.

sh*t.

Yeah.

Holy moly.

Why?

Why?! Because I love you so much.

And what we've got is so good that
we need to lock it up, you know,
bottle it.

So I need you to marry me.

Wow.

So is that a yes?

(EXHALES) You know
I love you so much.

But—
But—But what?

I can't say yes.

We— Why?

What we have is so special,
and you totally rock my world.

Yeah, so...?
So we don't wanna
mess with that mojo.

You won't?
It's not that I won't;
it's that I can't.

I mean, there is no one else in the
entire world that I would rather
marry but you.

But sometimes people get married and
it all turns to sh*t, and, you know,
you've just started the business

Are you OK with that?

Sure, babe.

Couldn't sleep?

Flushing the kidneys.

Yeah, needed a leak.

Going to piss in the sink, are you?

Thought I might aim
for your slippers.

Actually, I've gotta go over
these plans for this warehouse.

Bullshit.

Yeah, it's bullshit.

Wouldn't this be easier?
No need.

It's upside down.
I like it that way.

OK.

So, Porky, what's this security
bullshit you're working on?

What do you care?

What's there to steal?

You think I'd tell you?

I'm retired. Why else
would I be doing this?

Yeah, right (!)

When did you last
break in anywhere?

You think that's a qualification?

I know one end of
a job from another.

And I was a cop.

All you buggers care about is who
did it and how to catch the poor
bastard.

You never did the hard
yards cracking a job.

Ooh!

Four of a kind. You beauty.

Upside down — only way to do it.

(EXHALES)

Hey! What took you so long, bro?

Bro, I didn't see you picking me up.

I've been too busy taking calls.
Got our first job already.

It's a broken letter box.
Yeah? What's her name?

No, it's a guy — uh, Robert.

Sure it ain't Roberta?

No, it's a guy, OK? So let's go.

Come on.

So, Wayne said he was getting
up to get ahead on his work.

Face it — your boyfriend's a geek.

What are we meant to do — eat
our breakfast off the floor?

Yeah. Freaks.

Bugger it. Come on,
let's clear this sh*t away.

Oh, yes, please.

Stop!

What do you think you're—?
Just get away. Go on. Shoo!

What are you doing?
Get away.

It's just a jigsaw, for God's sake!

This is really sad.

It is not sad; it's
about the meaning of life.

Jesus, woman, what
were you thinking?

For Christ's sake, it is a jigsaw!

You two — grown men playing
with this sh*t all night.

I was working.
He was.

Bollocks you were.

(GASPS) Oh my God, the top left-hand
corner is finished. Who did it?

Cracked it at . am.

Oh, Grandpa, you are so amazing.

Only a few trees on sky.

Yeah, but there is a lot of sky.

I am pretty proud of it.

Well, gee whiz, you know what? I'm
gonna leave you guys to it. I'm-I'm
going to work.

That's that thing people do when
they're not stuck at home fondling
pieces of cardboard.

I'm with her.

Wow, that is amazing.

What, your mother having a paddy?

No, that her and Loretta
actually agree on something.

So,...

are you off to work?

Pascalle West.
Wayne Judd's secretary.

Yeah, look,...
Yes.

...I don't think it'd be any good
for her to reinfect anybody.

He'll have to delay that meeting.

Yep, I know.

Oh, he's really sorry.

BOTH: Chicken.

OK, thanks.
Mm.

OK.
Bye.

I was going to get that piece.

Some have got it; some don't.
There you go.

Yeah, great. Thanks
heaps, eh? Cheers, mate.

Ha! Hey, you wanna
know what's weird, bro?

How he didn't want extras?

What's weird is that we used to
knock down letter boxes for fun,
right?

And now people are
paying us to fix them.

It is pretty weird, huh?

Maybe.

Wanna know what's really weird, bro?
What?

You think something's one way and it
turns out another way, and you don't
know which way is right.

Like an egg?

Yeah, sometimes life
is a total egg, man.

Look, if makes you
feel any better —

that Gail chick, she was a total
dog when you got up close, bro.

f*ck up.

Yeah.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Yeah, Munter here,
one of The Tool Guys.

Uh-huh.

OK.

I can come round now.
Wassup?

Just that Graham guy, eh.
Problem with his TV cabinet.

Hey, I'll-I'll drop you at the pub.
You get the beers and I'll sort it.

Sweet.
Sweet.

VAN DOOR SHUTS

You're a friend of Karen's?

She couldn't recommend you highly
enough — said you did a great job
on her gutters.

We aim to please.

So, do you do plumbing?

For you, I can do anything.

Come on in. Kitchen's through here.

Do you mean actual plumbing?
Yes. Is that a problem?

(EXHALES SHARPLY) I'll just
grab my tools from the van.

So you— you're all sick, are you (?)

Yeah, a bit under the weather.

Mm-hm. And, uh, how's
the security plans going?

Coming along.

KASEY: Hi.
sh*t.

Cover your pieces.

You still haven't finished?
Man, you guys are slow.

Who's holding the fort at Hoochie?

Sorry, I-I can't concentrate.
Munter proposed last night.

Must've been a hell of a shag.

Jesus! Why didn't you say?

Oh my God, let's
cr*ck open the bubbles.

No, no, I kind of turned him down.

Is this some Bahama Triangle thing?

No, no. It's not that.

Why not? Munter's great. He's been
trying so hard. He's even got a
business.

Of sorts.
It'll fail.

He's been doing it for two minutes.
I can't marry till everything's in
place.

You know, it's... It's
a bit like this jigsaw.

Back off!

Well, what's the problem? ]

I've known the wedding I wanted
ever since I saw Falcon Crest.
Munter couldn't afford that.

Plus, I need to lose kg
to get to my ideal weight.

Get out of it!
I only want to keep
my mind off my problems.

Listen here — if you had any sense,
you'd know that weddings aren't
about dresses and veils,

although you could lose kg.
Are you saying I'm fat?

I'm saying, 'Marry
Munter and go away!'

Oh my God! Look, it fits.
Look, I did it. I did it.

The green bit — I did it!

That doesn't go there.

Or don't marry Munter
and still go away!

You guys don't care about me,
do you? Only the jigsaw.

Pretty much the size of it.

Don't listen to them —
they're all mental.

No. My mind's made up.

How's it going?

Yeah, almost there.

So,...

the other stuff
that Karen said you do —

are you really as good as
she led me to believe?

Actually she went with my mate,
but... but I'm even better.

Is that so?

Yep. ]

Then I have another job for you.

Won't your husband mind?

I'm single.

I like to keep things simple.

(EXHALES) I can tell.

Could you come back tonight?

Cost you a call-out fee
and night rates.

I'll need you for at
least three hours.

Is that a problem?

JUDD: So, Ted,

this job I'm doing, it's
for a software company.

That is so amazing.
You know about that?

No, that you can think about
anything else right now.

Yeah, it's kind of focusing my mind.

You are so right.
This is like meditation.

Focus on your corner.

OK.

So they've got computers
and crap like that?

Heaps of them.

I've got infrared and security cam.

Probably not worth it.
Yeah?

Take out the power, you'd lose the
lot. Where's your backup generator?

Good point. Good point.

I'd go in during the day.

Would you?

If I was interested in
that sort of crap.

Your main problem there
will be the inside job.

I was thinking about that.

Upside down — that's the way.

Are you guys, like, getting on?

Bugger that for a game of soldiers.

Double time, night rates, call-out
fee. Hot chick standing over me
wearing no undies.

You can't go back, Munt.

She said she'd pay me a bonus if
I did what she wanted. And we can
split the money / .

What'd she want you to do?

Make her my love sl*ve. Make sure
she submits to my every whim.

(GIGGLES) ]

Oh, wow.

But still — no.

Oh, so it's OK for you
to do it, but not me?

It's a no because of Kasey.

Bro, she doesn't care about me.
Since when?

Since I popped the big
question. She said no.

What? You went for the big
kahuna and she turned you down?

Yes.

It happens, bro.

Some chicks don't go for a**l.
And with the Mighty Munt, she's
probably nervous.

No, you, d*ck. I... asked
her to marry me, man.

She turned me down.

Oh!
Right.

If that's how she feels, it
obviously isn't a real relationship.

Why shouldn't I get down
and dirty with Imogen?

She's up for it heaps of times and
also gets off on sucking d*ck.

Munt, you cannot go back there, OK?

Just leave a window open.
My nephews can do the rest.

Not now, Falani.

No comeback on you.

After three, maybe four,
houses your debt would be cleared.

Hey, um, Falani, we're
talking here, OK?

Hey! (HISSES)

Where I come from, this kind of
generosity is repaid with respect,

and maybe a coupla... tapa wall
hangings, but I've got heaps, eh.

Falani.

f*ck off.
Oh yeah?

Oh yeah, eh? Well, just youse
remember that you fullas owe me
bucks...

plus GST.

Hey.

You can't do Imogen,
or even let her do you.

What if I really really want to?

Munt!

You-You've got the love, man.

And that-that... That...

That's the sh*t, bro.

I had the love and I don't have it
any more, but you've still got the
love, bro.

So you can't lose it.

Yeah, well, she don't want it.

OK, this stops right here.

Where you going?
I've gotta go and do something.

Not Imogen.

No way. OK?

[ You stay here.

Smoke a joint, OK? Do you what you
gotta do. Just think it through. OK?

All right. I'll be back soon.

OK, lady, what you
think you're doing?

I'm cooking.
No, what about Munter?

What about him?
Oh, is he all right?

Oh, you care about that, do you (?)

If I didn't, I wouldn't be cooking
his favourite dinner — chicken
stir-fry—

Look, my mate is hurting
cos you turned him down.

It's not that simple.

Munter's the best guy in the world.
The best. sh*t, I'd marry him if I
was a chick.

If he was a...

But— Look, the point is, if you've
got a good reason for turning him
down,

you've gotta explain
it to him — right now.

I've told him.

What are you doing?
Are you playing hard to get?
No.

Treat 'em mean; keep 'em keen —
all that chick bullshit.

Don't be stupid, Van!

Well, you got Munter
really confused, OK?

And if a guy gets confused and
thinks that you don't love them
any more,

and there's other hot chicks
around, man, they might just—

What hot chicks?

You know. No hot chicks.

You just said there
were hot chicks.
No.

Who's hitting on Munt? What bitch?

Look, I didn't say there is a hot
chick; I said, 'There could be.'

Don't bullshit me, Van.

Kasey.
Where is he?

Look, he's OK, all right? It's fine.
He-He's at the Rusty Nail. He's—

Kasey! Kasey!

Ooh, yeah!

ROCK MUSIC

He's not here, Van.

Eh? Oh, he'll be out
the back having a spliff.

No, I checked.
He's not in the guys'
loos or the ladies'.

Really?

OK, come. Come.

Falani, have you seen Munter?

Munter? Now, l-let's see.

Uh, he'd be about so high, dark
persuasion, currently owes me about
bucks?

Don't piss me about, Falani.

He was here. Yeah. We talked.

Philosophy, actually. Yeah,
the concept of fidelity.

OK, cool, thanks, Falani.

And I was explaining to Munter
that we must remain faithful,

or v*olence will rain down on us.
Like in my case, from Mrs Falani,
who would k*ll me

if I so much as even look at
another woman's bazoom-bazoombas.

He's gone home.

I don't think so.
Where is he?

Sadly, our conversation got cut
short when his phone rang — a lady.

Who is the cow?

Oh, just someone for whom Munter
promised special services.

They are very dedicated,
these Tool Guys.

I will k*ll the bitch.

Kasey. He's on a... He's on a job.

Man! OK, come on.

Look, we're and seven.

It's a plumbing job. It's all
good. Tell you what — call him.

I'll call him on the Tool Guy phone,
eh? That's what we got it for.

(EXHALES) Communication.

Hi, Munt.

Hey, mate, sorry to interrupt you on
that simple plumbing job, but I just
need to talk to you.

VOICEMAIL: Hey, it's The Tool
Guys. For complete satisfaction—

It's not him.
I got confused.

Tell me where he is, Van!

Maybe he's at that lady's address.
The one in Te Atatu — Colin McCahon
Drive.

How do you know?
No reason.

Have you been following
us round, man?

I've been protecting my investment.

What's the street address?

What?
The address.

I will tear down every f*cking door
of every f*cking house in—!

OK. I think it's .

You are such an arsehole, man.

You're years old.

[ You have no sex life.

[ You look after the
elderly and infirm.

And the only way you get your
rocks off is by playing jigsaw

with an old man and your
mother's bent-cop boyfriend.

It's really sad.
Don't let her put you off.

Are you sticking up for me?

She's just bitter cos she got
beaten — hasn't got what it takes.

He thinks I've got what it takes.

There is nothing special
about pieces of cardboard

that look like a mad midget
att*cked them with a cookie cutter.

CHAIR SCRAPES

This might be it.

OK. The pieces. Oh! The pieces,
they're like people.

Some of them fit and
some of them don't.

You and Judd — you hate each other.
But here you are brought together
by Mrs Svensson, jiggy, and me.

Like Loretta — she's just a piece
from some totally different,
screwed-up puzzle

and she just got put
in the wrong box.

Oh my God, do you think
that could be the meaning?

I'll tell you when we're
finished. Sit down, girl.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

d*ck, you said !

No, I said,... (MUMBLES)
'I think it's .'

Don't f*ck with me, Van!

I'll k*ll the bitch!

He's in— Look, you don't
want to piss off our clients.

Like f*ck! Munter!

Munter!

GRUNTING ]

Baby.

Oh, hey, girl, what
are you doing here?

You're working.

Well, yeah. What
else would I be doing?

Black, three sugars.

Um, hello.

Who's this?

Oh, Imogen, this is my girl, Kasey.
She just dropped by to, um—

Can you give us a moment?

Oh God, I am so sorry.

For what, babe?

I came here expecting to find you...

What?
You rooting that chick.

Imogen?! Really? You thought...

I just got it into in my head that
you were so pissed off with me, you
were gonna shag anything.

Well, she is kind of OK,
but having sex with her...

More! Yes!

Oh, more, more, more!

More. Oh!

Oh, yes! (LAUGHS)

Yes. (SQUEALS)

Oh! What?!
Get up, bro.

Dude, I'm on the job here!

PULL OUT! Pull out.

Would someone tell me
what the f*ck is going on?

Kasey is what's going on, all right?

f*ck!

Here you go.

Uh, not lookin'.

Never crossed my mind.

I doubted you. How could I?

It's OK, babe.

No, it's such a
terrible thing to do.

And would you care that much if I
did get it on with someone else?

Of course I would.

I was getting the feeling that you
didn't dig me as much as I dig you.

No, I do.

Look, if I'm not good enough
for you, Kase, it's OK cos-

Stop.

I love you totally.

And I don't want you
to root anyone else — ever.

Cos I'm just a guy who fixes stuff.

No, you are the best guy ever.

And I know something else —

that when you asked me to marry you,
I gave you such the wrong answer.

You don't have to do this, babe.

No, I do, 'cause I
know the right answer now.

Not here, babe — not in a toilet.

I am gonna say what I
should have said before.

Yes.

Yeah?

Yeah?

I dunno what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

How do you take your coffee?

White with four.

Mm. Are you available any evenings?

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, how's it going?

We're coming in for landing here.

The excitement never ends (!)

It is so beautiful. And, look, the
picture's exactly the same as it is
on the box.

Awesome.

Hey, how's business?

Yeah, it's tough, Mrs West.

Yeah, so we gotta have
a, uh, business meeting.

Knew they wouldn't last.

The last piece.

Where is it?

I thought you had it.

Oh my God, where is it?

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) That's funny.

You are such a cow. Just because you
weren't smart enough to do it, you
had to take it!

Wouldn't that rip your knickers?

You've got motive.
What?!

Couldn't handle the fact that your
table was being used; that pig boy
wasn't at your beck and call.

Ted.
What are you talking about?

Search her. Now.

The full monty.
Cavities if necessary.

Ted!
We won't be beaten
by this insurgence.

Ted, your sleeve.

Oh.

You can do the honours.

(SIGHS)

In memory of Mrs Svensson.

May you forever be puzzling in
that great jiggy heaven in the sky.

HEAVENLY MUSIC

I feel so complete — so at peace.

That's the message.

If you say so.

What about the necklace? Are
you gonna give that back now?

f*ck, no. This was hard work.

So, what are you doing
tomorrow, old fella?

This and that.

Well, if you've got the time, why
don't you come down the building?
Take a squiz, check for weak spots.

I'll see how I'm placed.

If I'm not too busy.

We should leave this for a few
days — enjoy the beauty of it.

No f*cking way.

You saved my arse, bro.
I owe you one, man.

What goes on tour
stays on tour, buddy.

Appreciate that.

But what do we do now, eh?

You know, I got into this
business to ply my trade —
build some fences —

not play sink the black in
hot chicks' pockets, you know?

Yeah, me too.

(SIGHS) It's got real hard, eh?

Wouldn't be so hard if our clients
weren't so hot and up for it.

Yep.

You can't be up for it no more, man.

Nah.

Maybe I have to quit this business.

If you quit, I quit.

You don't have to.

Yeah, man, we're in this together.

Thanks for the loan of
your useless tools.
What loan?

They were never worth
bucks, with or without GST.

Since when did you pay GST?
Yeah.

Gentlemen, I can't take these back.
Uh, you can.

You used them — they're second-hand.
They were before!

I do not deal in third-hand goods.

Well, maybe it's time to refocus
your business, cos that's what we're
doing.

Malo uso.

Malo uso, youso.

Hey, hey! What's that?

That was a seriously
freaky experience, bro.

What, you mean, like, buying stuff
with money that we actually earned?

Well, it's amazing that five
hundie can buy so much.

Yeah.

Hey, bro.
Yeah?

For you, man.
f*ck. Thanks, bro.

Ahhh.

Hey, hey, hey.

Back at you, man.

Choice, man. My own jigsaw!

Every man should be able to make
round holes in flat surfaces.

Yeah.

What do you reckon?

Come in handy, eh?
Yeah.

OK. So let’s go through it again —
our, uh, code of... practice.

Yep. When on the job, we are on
that job, and that's the only job.

Yeah, so, no nooky.

Not even blow jobs, even
if they're gagging for it.

We're upfront about that.

Yep.

Cool.
Yep.

What about if you find a cute guy?
Oh, f*ck off.

(CACKLES)

f*ck, you're the gay.

There's no markup on raw materials.

Yeah, and we take a -minute
lunch break, max.

And terms are strictly C-O-C.

Yep.

Ooh. (WHISPERS) I thought
there was no cock any more.

No. Cash on completion.

Oh. Yep. Yep.

So, we can do you a fence, but that
is all we're gonna do, all right?

OK? No matter how hard you ask,
even if you— if you beg, it's a no.

I hope we're clear on that.

Good work, brother.

Comin' through.

(GRUNTS)

♪ Yeah, yeah.

♪ Oh, let me go down.

♪ Down to the river where
my mama was found.

♪ Oh, let me go while...

♪ while there's a
brother of mine. ♪