01x01 - The Nightmare Begins

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

Welcome, brave Irken soldiers.

Welcome to Conventia,

the convention hall planet.

Please proceed
to the docking ring

and take the complimentary
teleporters to the planet's surface.

Be sure to visit the gift shop

for all kinds of
cheap, useless stuff.

If you're here for
the Great Assigning,

please remember where you parked

and proceed to the
main convention hall.

The galactic conquest is hear.

The galactic conquest is hear.

The galactic conquest is hear...

Now, wiggle your
antennae in salute

because here they are...

Your all-knowing,
all-powerful leaders,

the Almighty Tallest!

[cheering]

Thank you, thank you.

See? I told you
they'd love the lasers.

Everything is lasers with you.

I'm telling you, smoke machines
are what the people re-- Ah!

[cheering]

See?

Welcome mighty Irken soldiers!

You are the finest
examples of m*llitary training

the Irken army has to offer!

Good for you.

Standing behind us, however,

are the soldiers
we've chosen for roles

in one of the most crucial parts

of Operation
Impending Doom II!

[cheering]

You in the audience
just get to sit and watch.

You should've tried harder!

These superior ones -- not
quite as superior as us of course --

Duh.

These less superior than us,

but still quite
superior soldiers

will each be assigned
to an enemy planet!

There, you will blend in with
the hideous native inhabitants,

all while gathering
crucial information,

assessing the
planet's weaknesses,

making it vulnerable to our
big... space ship... g*ng...

The Armada?

Now! Let the assigning begin!

Whoo!

Step forward, Invader Lard.

Ah, you seem to have grown since
last you've stood before us, soldier.

You've been assigned
to the planet Blorch,

home of the
slaughtering rat people.

Why would you draw that?

However, because of
your increased height,

we have decided to
give you the planet Vort,

home of the universe's
most comfortable couch.

Yes!

Next. Invader Spleen!

Oooh!

Move it, move it!
Everybody, move it!

Move it! Get out of the way!

And last, Invader Scooge!

Oh, now, that's just sad.

Could you get any shorter?

You'll be assigned to Blorch,
home of the slaughtering rat people.

Thank you.

Get out of the way!

Move it...!

Thus concludes
The Great Assigning!

Help yourselves to some nachos

and we'll see ya at
the equipping station.

Yes! Gorge yourselves!

You mooch it.

No, no! Wait!

That voice.

No! It can't be.

Zim.

[Zim breathing heavily]

Sorry I'm late, my Tallest.

I couldn't find my invitation.

You're lucky I made it at all.

You weren't invited at all.

Weren't you banished
to Foodcourtia?

Shouldn't you be...
frying something?

Oh, I quit when I
found out about this.

You quit being banished?

The assigning is over, Zim.

But you can't have
an invasion without me.

I was in "Operation
Impending Doom I."

Don't you remember?

Oh, yes, we remember.

[alarms going off]

Ya ha ha ha ha...!

But sir, we're still
on our own planet!

Silence! Twist those knobs.

Twist those knobs.
You, pull some levers.

Pull some levers!

[siren]

I put the fires out.

You made them worse.

Worse?

Or better?

[sighs]

Besides, no Invader
has ever been so...

Very small.

You're very small,
Zim. You're a tiny thing.

But Invader's blood
marches through my veins

like giant radioactive
rubber pants!

The pants command me.

Do not ignore my veins!

As a show of gratitude

for your service
in the past, uh...

here's a sandwich.

But--

Thanks for coming, everybody!

Good night!

No! Wait!

What? You got your sandwich.

My Tallest, an opportunity to
prove I truly can be an Invader

is all that I ask. Give me.

Hold on. I got a plan.

We see now that you
are truly deserving.

Yes. Yes, I am.

You will be sent to a
planet so mysterious

no one has even heard of it.

Right! And those who have
heard of it dare not speak its name.

What's its name?

Oh, I dare not speak it.

Where is it?

Um...

Uh...

Uh...

Right there!

Ooh. A secret mission.

Happy now?

Yes.

Invaders, report to
the equipment hall.

Oh-oh and remember,

lasers.

Ah!

[thud!]

The universe will
be ours for the taking!

[cheering] It's only
a matter of time

before all the races
of the universe

serve the Irken empire!

I'll have them serve
me the curly fries.

[echo] The curly
fries, the curly fries...

They're coming.

Dib drank the last soda.

He will pay!

They're coming!

Dad! They're coming!

I heard them. I
actually heard them.

I was up on the roof and I heard this
transmission that was coming through.

Shh! Not now, son. I'm making...

Toast.

Gaz, they're coming.
They really are.

Who's coming, Dib?

I don't know.

This is your standard issue
information retrieval unit.

Also known as a SIR.

It will assist you in gathering valuable
knowledge during your mission.

It's also a thermos.

Who wants this one?!

I do.

Ouch!

Thank you.

Everyone else, line
up and take a robot.

Sir.

Go warm up my ship's engines.

Yes, master. I obey!

Finally, a robot
sl*ve of my own.

Um-- Uh...

We have a top secret
model for you, Zim.

Coooooooo!

It looks kind of...

not good.

Yes! Well, that's what
the enemy will think!

Get it?

I see.

Very good. It even fooled me.

I am honored to be trusted
with such advanced technology.

Hee hee hee.

Shh!

GIR, reporting for duty.

GIR. What does the G stand for?

I don't know.

Wee hoo hoo hoo!

Wee hoo hoo hoo...!

Um...

Is it supposed to be stupid?

It's not stupid, it's advanced!

OK, GIR! Our
mission begins now.

Let us rain some doom
down upon the filthy heads

of our doomed enemies.

I'm gonna sing the
doom song now.

♪ Doom doom doom doom
doom doom doom doom doom... ♪

[still singing doom song]

GIR, would you
please stop singing?

♪ Doom doom doom,
doomy doomy doom... ♪

[control panel] Proximity
warning. Planet ahead.

GIR, we're here!
We're finally here!

♪ Doom doom doom-- ♪
Ooh, what's that?

Planet Earth. This
must be the place.

OK, first off we have to
set up a base of operations.

Hee hee hee!

Focus, GIR!

This is where your advanced
information gathering skills come in handy.

Yes, my master.

You have to
observe what these...

Earthanoids consider
to be... normal.

Then, based on
your observations,

we make our disguises...

And our home.

Here! We build here!

Whoo! That was easy.

GIR. Get out here!

Hurry, GIR. What did you learn?

I saw a squirrel.

It was doing like this.

Concentrate, GIR! It
is time for disguises.

I want to be a mongoose.

Shh. We have to be quiet.

[clank!]

Too ugly... too stinky...

That one looks good.

Ooh, why does it hurt?!

Master, where'd you
go? Where are you?

I'm right here, GIR. It's me.

And keep it down. You wanna
wake up the whole planet?

I do.

OK, for you, I'm
thinking maybe a dog.

Can I be a mongoose dog?

Today we become the enemy.

That's it, yes!

Now, all we need is a home.

Let's see.

Some windows, a couple of
animal things in front. There!

GIR, hide!

And be quiet! We can't
afford to make a sound.

[alarms go off]

[baby cries]

[noise stops]

[Zim whistles casually]

Welcome home, son.

Oooph!

Step one went smoothly.

[eerie music]

The Tallest were
wise to choose me.

This planet won't
know what hit it

after I've learned
its weaknesses.

Oh! These lenses
are all scratchy!

Now, to find the
best possible way

of learning about
this sad, filthy, planet.

The more we know the
sooner we can conquer

this spinning ball of...

Fff-ilthy...

Dirt!

[bell ringing]

Class, I would like to
introduce the newest

hopeless appendage
to the student body.

His name is Zim.

Zim, if you have
something to say say it now,

because after this moment,

I don't want to hear
another sound from you!

Hello, friends.

I am a perfectly normal
human worm baby.

You have nothing, absolutely
nothing to fear from me.

Just pay no attention to me
and we'll get along just fine.

Take your seat now, Zim.

Today's lecture is
about outer space

and how it will eventually
implode in on itself!

Yes, Zim?

In the event of say, a
full-scale alien invasion,

how prepared do you think
this planet's defenses would be?

Tell me.

As I was saying,

the universe is just doomed.

Doomed, doomed, doomed!

OK, am I the only one here

who sees the alien
sitting in the class?

There!

Right there!

That is no kid. He's an alien!

An alien!

One of the monsters
I've been talking about!

He's here to conquer Earth.

Aw, not this
again. You're crazy.

What about his
horrible green head?

Insolent fool boy!

It's a skin condition.

And he's got no ears!

Is that part of your
skin condition, Zim?

No ears?

Yes.

Man, Dib, you think just
'cause someone looks different

you can call them an alien?

I guess old kid's
an alien, too, huh?

How's it goin'?

OK. See, this is us.

Now, over here,
over here is Zim.

See the difference?

Anyone? Anyone? Questions.

Yeah. What's wrong with you?

All you talk about
is aliens and ghosts

and seeing Bigfoot
in your garage.

He was using the belt sander.

Yeah, he's always saying stuff.

I remember that one time.

Hey, you just got here!

Don't let him trick you. I
know what I'm talking about.

And there it is,
sitting right there!

Well, he does look pretty weird.

Yeah.

And he is sitting.

You see. Actual proof that
all the things I've been saying

are actually right!

Finally, a way to
prove that I'm...

That I'm--

I'm crazy.

OK, now that makes sense.

Man, we almost believed him.

Doom, doom, doom. Go now.

[school bell rings]

[kids scream]

Zim.

Maybe your cruddy little
disguise worked on everyone else,

but I'll get them
to see the truth.

No one will believe you.

They'll believe if I
bring you to them

without your disguise.

I ordered this from
one of my U.F.O.-zines.

Ooh, it's pretty. What is it?

Alien sleep cuffs,

guaranteed to render all
alien life forms unconscious.

How do you know it works

if you never found
an alien before?

I'm gonna find
out right now. Aah!

Leave me alone!

I just want to go
home and be a normal!

[whistle blows]

[car screeches, horn honks]

[mechanical voice]
You like ice cream.

You like ice cream.

You love it.

- Heh heh heh.
- You cannot resist ice cream.

To resist is hopeless.

Your existence is
meaningless without ice cream.

They might even name
your autopsy video after me.

Ha! See ya, Dib!

Pity for you, man.

Ah!

GIR! Help me.

There isn't much time.

Yes, sir.

Get me out of here
now, GIR! Now!

Okee dokee!

Hey, wait a minute! Ahhhh!

Aaahhhh...!

Good work, GIR.

There you are.

Quick! Get in the
house, GIR! Hurry!

Parents: Welcome home, son.

Your little tricks
won't fool me, Zim.

GIR: Oh, your
friend's at the window.

You can't hide forever!

And if you can,
this'll wait forever!

I've been preparing
for this all my life.

Dib: OK... I'm gonna go home
now and... prepare some more!

But I'll be back.

And from here to the
ends of the Earth...

I feel good about
how today went.

...to the depths
of the oceans...

Incoming transmissions from...

Earth.

What is... Earth?

Invader Zim reporting, sirs.

The mission goes well.

But surely you
expected that from me.

Zim -- you're alive?

Yes, so very alive.

And full of goo, mission goo.

Don't be surprised if I
take care of the humans

before the armada
even gets here.

Well, I've much work to do,

so Invader Zim signing off.

My spine.

Oh, cool.