18x14 - Multiverse of American Dadness

[bunniefuu]

NEWSCASTER:
Anyone who's been exposed to asbestos

may be entitled to compensation.

And anyone who's anyone

will be at tonight's
sold-out Shaggy concert!

Ugh! I wish I had tickets to see Shaggy.

He's my favorite musician.

And my best friends,
Danuta and Nerfer, are gonna be there.

You're in luck,

because your father and I
bought the last two tickets!

One for you, one for Steve.

- Yippee!
- Oh, hell yeah!

The only thing better

than seeing Shaggy with my best friends

is seeing him with my little brother!

Oh! I love you guys so much.

I don't know what I'd do if
anything were to ever happen

- to one of...
- [LASER ZAPS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

[LAUGHING]

Another Steve down,
infinite Steves to go.

Look at all these
universes I've been to.

Look at all the Steves I've k*lled!

Man, no one's ever impressed

when I show them all the dead Steves.

♪♪

- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
- [VOICES OVERLAPPING]

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
- [VOICES OVERLAPPING]

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

[DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

- [ALL SOBBING]
- My baby!

My brother!

My roommate kind of!

My nephew sometimes!

No father should have to bury a virgin.

Why?! Why did this happen?

And when?!

When can I move into Steve's old room?!

Senator Lewis? What are you doing here?

So, I'm a senator in this universe.

Not bad.

I'm sorry about your Steve,

but I don't have time to explain.

That's a different Lewis' job.

I'm busy hunting down the
Steve that k*lled my family.

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
- For I shall have my revenge!

- Hiya, Smiths!
- What is happening?!

That's what I'm here to tell you.

Exposition Lewis is the name.
Explaining stuff's my game.

So, first off... that last Lewis?

Vengeance Lewis?

He swore revenge after evil
Steve k*lled his family.

Meanwhile, evil Steve is traveling

from universe to universe
k*lling other Steves

to claim their steveness and
become the ultimate Steve,

kinda like the Jet Li film
"The One."

Do you have that movie in this universe?

What's a movie?

Mm, they're like TV shows but longer.

Speaking of things that take a while,

how about we get that
grief process started?

What's this?

Oh, that's a %-off
coupon to McLewis Burger,

a greasy spoon I co-own

alongside infinite other Lewises.

There are only a handful
of McLewis Burgers

in the multiverse.

But if you ever find yourself near one,
you gotta go!

Tell 'em Lewis sent ya.

If you knew this might happen,
why didn't you stop it?

[SIGHS] This must be
one of those universes

where people don't listen so good.

It's not my job to save people,

as I believe I already explained.

It's my job to explain stuff.

The multiverse exists
in a delicate balance,

and we each have a role to play.

All we can do now is hope

whichever Steve evil
Steve goes after next

is tough as nails.

STEVE: Aah! Finger cramp!

Mm! Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm!

- [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[BEEPING]

Now that my finger cramp's behind me,

nothing but blue skies ahead... aah!

My little boy fingers again!

Mm! Mm. Mm! Mm. Mm.

Anyone willing to testify in
court is urged to step forward.

And anyone who's anyone

will be at tonight's
sold-out Shaggy concert!

Ugh! I wish I had tickets to see Shaggy.

He's my favorite musician.

And my best friends,
Danuta and Nerfer, are gonna be there.

You're in luck,

because your father and I
bought the last two tickets!

You two are the best!

Hold up. Did you say two tickets?

One for you, one for Steve.

Steve?

I appreciate the tickets,

but I don't want to bring
the biggest dork in Langley

to the best concert
this town has ever seen!

Hayley, your father and I

both wish we were closer
with our siblings.

My sister Gwen never visits,

and Stan's brother is barely even canon.

It's true.

I'd hate for you and
Steve to end up like me

and whatever my brother's name is.

Steve and I live together.

Yes, but even I know you're
not as close as you used to be.

The fish is right.
You two used to be inseparable.

That's why we bought these tickets.

You were always singing that
one Shaggy song to Steve.

♪ Stevie, you're my angel ♪

♪ You're my darling angel ♪

♪ Closer than my
peeps you are to me ♪

♪ Stevie ♪

We were kids back then.

I'm older now, and Steve's a dork.

Oh, for sure. Huge dork.

Some days I'm embarrassed
he ever slid out of me.

But he's still your little brother.

Great news, Hayley!

Mom told me about the Shaggy concert,

so I spent all morning drawing
schematics of the venue.

I've got all kinds of intimate
details about the shark's nest.

You see? This is why I don't
want to hang out with him.

The concert hasn't even started,

and he's already ruining it for me!

[SNIFFS, WHIMPERS]

Now what are you doing?

Drawing schematics

for the fastest way tears
can run down my face!

- [SOBS]
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Whatever.

We'll make up later. We always do.

- So, can I get those tickets?
- No way.

You either take your little
brother to see Shaggy

or you don't see Shaggy at all.

[GROANS]

[SOBBING]

I just want a sister who loves me,

a sister who wants to
spend time with me.

Is that so much to ask?

Don't worry, weaker Steve.

I'll make you less sad...
by k*lling you!

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
- Aah!

Oh, God. A dead white boy!

They'll give me the chair for this!

Think, Lewis. Think.

I know. I'll move to France.
It worked for Polanski.

Principal Lewis! You saved me!

Steve? How many of you are there?

How many of me are there?

- [CHUCKLES] Gotcha.
- Aah!

Wait. You're not evil Steve.

No! Now I've lost my family
and my revenge!

Uh, excuse me. But what's going on?

I'm glad you asked.

...and to jump from
universe to universe,

we use these armbands

that turn your butthole
into a black hole,

which transports you
through time and space.

Ah, yes. As Carl Sagan theorized.

If there are infinite universes,
is there a universe

where my sister wants
to hang out with me?

There's a universe for everything.

Please start listening.

Hayley. You came after me.

Yeah, but only because
Mom won't let me go

to the Shaggy concert without you.

If you think spending time
with me is such a problem,

I'll make sure you never
have to do it again!

Is it just me,
or do we look like a thumbnail

to a sick-ass p*rn?

What's a p*rn?

Sit. I have much to explain.

So, in some ways,

p*rn's one of humanity's
oldest art forms.

Huh. And people touch
themselves while watching it?

Oh, like you wouldn't believe.

Okay. I got to ask.
What the heck is going on?!

I never get to explain
this much stuff in one day.

This is clearly a story about valuing

what fleeting time you have
with the ones you love.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I meant about the portals

and the multiple Lewises and stuff.

Okay. Here goes. [INHALES DEEPLY]

...so your Steve stole
evil Steve's armband

and portaled into the multiverse.

Great. How am I supposed
to find that dork now?

I need him so I can go
to the Shaggy concert.

The Steve I vowed to k*ll is dead.

My vengeance was stolen,

so my journey ends here.

Take my armband.
And let me give you my STD.

Uh...

He means Steve Tracking Device.

In his universe, there are no
sexually transmitted diseases.

Also, Princess Diana is still alive,
but she's a huge bitch.

It's true. In every universe

where Princess Di is alive,

pretty much everyone hates her.

To portal in and out of universes,

push the big button on the armband.

The Steve Tracking Device
works like a bloodhound.

It'll guide you to your Steve over time,

but it can't take you right to him.

You're the Lewis who k*lled
evil Steve and stole my revenge!

If it's vengeance you're after,
you're talking to the right guy.

I've got a long list of people

who've been cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Eh, works for me.
Exposition Lewis, you in?

I'd love to, fellow Lewises,
but duty calls.

Someone out there is wondering
why people like Wes Anderson,

and it's my job to explain it to them.

But that's the one thing I don't know.

Hey, stranger.

Welcome to the Oops!
All Barrys universe.

You got any Steves?

Just Barrys. And one Shaggy.

AnyBarry who's anyBarry is
gonna be at his show tonight.

Not me, though.

[BEEPING]

Steve!

There you are.

Oh. Uh...

Were you expecting a white Steve?

This... feels like a trap.

Well, this seems normal.

♪ Flag, flag, flag,
flag-flag, fla-a-a-g ♪

[SIGHS]

- [BEEPING]
- Oh! Getting closer.

STEVE: Hey, Hayley!

- I'm a bowl!
- Nope.

♪ Bowl, bowl, bowl,
bowl-bowl, bow-w-w-l ♪

Welcome to McLewis Burger.

We've got some of the
most pretty-good burgers

in this part of the multiverse.

- Is your Steve dead?
- No!

That's too bad.
You could've gotten % off.

Could you hurry up?

Some of us are in mourning
and are very hungry.

- [BEEPING]
- Wait.

Wasn't I already in this universe?

- No.
- Are you sure?

'Cause I literally
just saw a black Steve.

So let me get this straight.

Infinite universes with
infinite possibilities,

and you can't fathom two black Steves?

No. I just... I-I didn't...

I-I'm not...

Hey. Hayley.

Just popping in to explain

that you're really
embarrassing yourself.

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING, WOMAN MOANING]

[HORSE NEIGHS]

This p*rn stuff isn't for me.

But this is fantastic!

You call it... marijuana?

Well, that's one word for it.

So your universe doesn't
have p*rn or dr*gs?

How the hell do you relax?

- Used to be all I needed to unwind
- [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

was to see my wife and kids.

The Steve in my original
universe was our nanny.

Then evil Steve blew up
my house just to k*ll him.

[EVIL LAUGHTER, SCREAMS ECHOING]

I wish I'd d*ed.

But cyborg technology
gave me another chance.

A chance at revenge.

Which you stole from me,
and now we're here.

I lost my family, too.

My best friend slept with my wife.

And that man lives here?

- That's the guy we're about to b*at down?
- No.

This is the house of some punk
who disrespected me at my job.

Nah, man. I didn't roll with
you to pick up chump change.

We need to take down the man
who destroyed your family!

Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Yeah!

[ENGINE REVVING]

PRINCIPAL LEWIS:
It's your lucky day, punk!

We was finna [BLEEP] you
up for disrespecting me,

but we got bigger fish to fry!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

I...

[DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

I love you. I'll always love you.

But there's still something
I'm searching for...

a sister who likes me.

I understand, my love.

Please. Raise our son to be strong.

White Steve! There you are.

Now come home so I can see Shaggy.

Did you have sex with a lady
version of your best friend...

and get her pregnant?

How is she already this far along?

Time works differently
in different universes.

And we didn't have sex.

In this universe,
you get someone pregnant

by gazing tenderly into their eyes.

And, boy, did we gaze at each other.

- Steve, let's go.
- No.

You only ran after me

so Mom would let you go to
your precious Shaggy concert,

and even after traveling the multiverse,

that's still all you care about!

I'm just gonna say it, girl. You suck.

[WHIRRING]

Hayley, these glitches mean
we're running out of time.

You and Steve have to get
back to your universe.

You two have a destiny to fulfill,

and if you two don't make
it to that Shaggy concert,

the entire multiverse will implode!

Why didn't you say that earlier?

It wasn't pertinent information before!

I like to reveal details
as they're needed.

That's how exposition works!

Hey! Could you two scream louder?

As you know,
all this stress is good for the baby.

♪♪

[GAMES BEEPING]

♪♪

I don't get it.

This freak show of a universe...
no offense...

is perfect for Steve.

Why'd he leave?

Because he's looking
for a version of you

who wants to hang out with him.

I see him every day!

Listen. Steve's a good guy.

And he'll be a great absent father.

And he deserves a Hayley

who'll do more than just
tolerate his presence.

Maybe.

Hey. Should you be drinking?

You're, like, super pregnant.

Don't tell me how to parent.

In this universe, babies love wine.

[VEHICLES WHIRRING, HORNS HONKING]

- Move it or lose it, pal!
- Klaus?

You're not a fish in this universe?

What's a fish?

Never mind.
Hey, what's up with that statue?

That statue's in honor
of the Steve Smith

who saved our civilization
from world w*r XXXVII

with his schematics for a better life.

Schematics?
Could that have been my Steve?

Hated that guy.
I'm glad he's finally gone.

Hey, Steve's not that bad.

And it sounds like he's
really helped people here.

Whatever.

I don't want to talk about that
dork on my way to see Shaggy.

You have a Shaggy too?

Shaggy is the only constant
throughout the multiverse.

He's right. Shaggy rules.

My Steve and I never miss a show.

You're taking Steve?

- Willingly?
- Duh.

What kind of monster wouldn't
take her tumor to see a concert?

♪ Tume, tume, tume,
tume-tumor-r-r-r ♪

_

[DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

Mmm!

Mom, you've got to stop doing that

or we're gonna run out of Steve.

We each grieve in our own way, Hayley.

Visiting from another universe?

Yeah. What's with the shirt?

My Steve d*ed. I miss him so much.

We did everything together
and built so many memories.

Steve and I have had some
great times together.

I guess I take that for granted.

There was this song we
always used to sing.

♪ Stevie, you're my angel ♪

♪ You're my darling angel ♪

♪ Closer than my
peeps you are to me ♪

♪ Stevie ♪

Oh, I love Shaggy.

Before evil Steve k*lled him,

my Steve and I had plans
to go to tonight's concert.

My Steve and I are
supposed to go together,

and after all this,

- I kind of don't want to see it without him.
- What do you mean?

Oh, my Steve's still alive,
but I'm kind of a d*ck to him.

So he's searching the multiverse

for a Hayley who wants
to hang out with him.

That's me! You don't deserve your Steve!

Let me have him!

No way. I want him now.

Besides,
he'll never really be your Steve,

just a Steve kind of like your Steve.

Banana, ba-nah-na.

You're acting like a real
Princess Di right now.

- Whatever. I'm out of here.
- Oh, no, you don't.

_

Well, I'm off to hold
a mirror up to society.

[ALL CHEERING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Pecan Sandies.

_

I appreciate the tickets, Mother.

However,
I'd prefer to attend the concert

with just my friends.

- I value your honesty, Hayley.
- Wow.

I love this family's ability

to reach conflict-free resolutions.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

I'll [BLEEP] cut you!

Not if I cut you first, bitch! [SNARLS]

[BEEPING]

I'm so glad you came back to life,
big brother.

I didn't come back to life, silly.

I'm a different Steve
from a different universe.

Plantain, plan-tahn.

Will you sing me our song again?

♪ Hayley, you're my angel ♪

♪ You're my darling angel ♪

♪ Closer than my
peeps you are to me ♪

Hayleys?!

- Steve, come home!
- Steve, come with me!

What are those things?

We're what you grow up to be.

Oh, God! Anything but that!

Steve, you have to pick a Hayley,

and I'm the big sister you deserve.

Steve, please stay with me.

I'm the little sister who
can't afford to lose you again.

Steve... I'm probably
not the best Hayley for you.

Just know that whichever
Hayley you choose,

whatever universe you end up in,
I'll wish you were with me.

That's all I've been searching for!

Besides, these other Hayleys
are kind of dorks, am I right?

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

[SCREAMS]

- Go. Now.
- Go. Now. - Go. Now.

Who are they?

There's no time to explain!

Which sucks,
because there's actually a really cool,

well-thought-out
explanation behind all this.

You have to return to your universe!

Your Shaggy's in trouble!

[BEEPING]

_

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
- [CROWD SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]

Hey. What's this?

[BEEPING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Whoa.

NARRATOR:
And so begin the exciting adventures

of a character you've never met before.

[DINOSAUR ROARING, MAN SCREAMING]

NARRATOR: Never mind.

_

[CROWD SCREAMING]

Come on, men! Shaggy needs us!

- Wait a second.
- EXPOSITION LEWIS: You and Steve have a destiny to fulfill.

Shaggy is the only constant
throughout the multiverse.

You gotta save Shaggy...

or we're all gonna die!

Steve, we have to save Shaggy.

Good luck.

Two guys nabbed him and barricaded

themselves in his dressing room.

If only there was some kind of
blueprint for this building.

- The schematics!
- The schematics!

Shaggy, you son of a bitch.
You slept with my wife!

You destroyed my family!

- It wasn't me.
- [GRUNTS]

- [LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS]
- Admit it!

He said he caught you on the counter!

It wasn't me.

- [GRUNTS]
- [BELL CHIMES]

- [BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYS]
- Liar!

I saw you banging on the sofa!

- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
- It wasn't me-e-e-e!

Lewises! Why are you doing this?

Picture this...

He and my wife are both butt-naked,

banging on the bathroom floor!

And I'm owed my revenge!

[MACHINERY WHIRRING]

[GRUNTS]

You both have issues.

But you also have each other,
like brothers.

Don't focus on what you've lost.

Think about the time
you're still lucky enough

- to have together.
- But I'm owed my revenge!

Nah, bro. She's right.

As long as you and I are together,

we don't need anything else.

We can be a new family.

Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Yeah!

I love you, little bro.

I love you too, Hayley.

I'm never playing this town again.

ALL: At last, the multiverse is at ease.

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

It was me.

It has always been me.

And it shall forever be me.

For I am Mr. Boombastic,
creator of worlds,

master of the multiverse,
the one true God.

And all you shorties are my angels.

Bye-bye! See you soon.