02x01 - The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever

[bunniefuu]

[crash!]

Wa... ha ha ha ha ha!

♪ So raise the shields
and have you some joy ♪

♪ 'Cause Christmas
time is here ♪

[cheering]

That was great, Mr. Sludgy.

Now will you tell us the story

of the most horrible
Christmas ever?

Ha ha ha ha,
no, little girl.

No, I won't.

Wait! Yes, I will.

Well, it's a little hazy,

but it all started
million years ago,

with a little green
nuclear mole named Zim.

[carolers singing]

Now Zim hated humans
more than anything.

Stink! Stink! Stink!
Stinking humans!

But he didn't know much
about Christmas, now did he?

Watch it eat snow!

You! Watch the eating!

Argh! The amazing snow
eating trick isn't working!

The filthy, horrible humans
aren't giving us any Earthmonies!

We need Earthmonies to
appear as normal Earthpigs!

Ai-ya!

Minimoose!
How much have we earned?

[squeaking]

[sniffing]

Tuna?! Tuna is worth nothing!

Why does no one
give monies to Zim?

There! That grubby red human!

He's taking all my monies!

Yahhhhh!

You! Stop stealing all the--

Hmm! Huh? Ohh!

He's got reinforcements!

They're everywhere!
What are they?!

Zah! Mmmph.

[screaming]

And what do you
want, little boy or girl?

GIR: I wants me
a barrel of floss,

I wants me two balls
of glue to be my friends,

and I wants to go dancing naked,

and I wants...

...and a chair made of cheese

and a table made
of cheese and a...

Stop! No more!

Get this kid away from me!

My little child just loves you,

and I just-- Now, GIR!

Let's go before anyone notices!

[struggling sounds]

Argh! What is that?

Oh, that's Minimoose, my, uh...

Other sidekick. Yeah.

Yep. Been with
me the whole time.

Mmmm-mmmm!

No candy for you, chub monster,

until you tell me
everything you know about

these red bearded men
who smell of ham and vomit!

Oh, you must mean Santa.

You are Santa?

No, no. We're just
Santa's helpers.

And you all report
to this... Santa?

Well, nobody's ever
seen the real Santa,

but the world over loves Santa.

And everyone waits
with hope in their hearts

for the day when he
returns to his people.

Everyone? Hmm.

Computer, drain the human's
brain of all Santa knowledge!

"X-mas"? Hmm.

[evil laughter]

You stare at that dog
every Christmas, Gaz.

Come on, already. It's creepy.

Three Christmases ago,

that dog ate the head
off Bitey the Vampire.

You said so yourself.
I haven't forgotten.

Well, fixing an alien spaceship

is hard enough without
you distracting me.

Besides, any moron could
fix this ship faster than you.

Well... can any moron do this?

[screaming]

Dib: Sorry, everyone!

Again!

[alarms sound]

Power is restored to
the Earth once more.

It's a good thing I exist.

Oh, no! Santa!

Yes, Santa Claus himself
has returned to his people

and just in time for Christmas.
Check out this footage.

[GIR giggling maniacally]

The response has
been overwhelming.

I can't believe he's back!

My heart explodes with joy!

And even our president
man has given up his power,

making room for Santa.

It's all yours, Santa.

We have Santa himself
in an exclusive interview.

Santa, speak to us.

People of Earth,
I have returned.

To reclaim my rightful
place as ruler of this world.

All will obey Santa in
this new world order.

Oh, yeah! Rejoice, brothers.

Ha ha. That sounds
like a lot of fun.

I've never trusted
that jolly fat man.

Oh, boy! I asked
Santa to bring me

cases of uranium-! Yay!

No! Santa has let me down!

I will turn my back on him

and devote a portion of
my life to destroying Santa!

Aaaagh!

Aaaaagh!

Jeez, Dad.

Oh, yeah! And I command
all you Earthmonkeys

to gather at the
jolly Christmas rallies

I'm holding all over the globe

to receive further instructions.

Earthmonkeys? Oh, no!

That sounds like a lot of fun.

This is not going
to be easy, GIR.

Look at all those...

children!

Announcer: People of Earth,

I give you Santa claus.

Choir chanting: San-ta! San-ta!
San-ta! San-ta! San-ta! San-ta!

[choir singing words]

Ho ho ho!

Santa has returned for

all the good little boys
and girls of the world

to announce a new
Christmas tradition.

[oohs and ahhs]

It's the yuletide
helping of Santa to build

a giant teleporter
capable of sending

all humans to their
doom! Ha ha ha ha.

My labor sleighs will
take you to the north pole,

where you will
build the teleporter!

Will being teleported
to our doom

be fun and Christmassy?

Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Of course it will,
you hideous fool!

[cheering]

Crowd: Hail Santa! Hail Santa!

Santa master? These cute kids

would love to sit on your lap

and beg for presents.

Pwease, Santa? Pweeeeeease?

Great ghost of dookie!

Eh, eh... of course, filthies!

Eh, come to Santa.

Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Ho ho ho-- Ow! Ow! Ow! Eww! Eww!

Drool! Get off! Wait!

What's happening?!

Ho ho ho, children!
I love you! All of you!

Elves, wrap up everything I have

and give it to these
good people here.

No! Give that stuff back!
And get off of Santa!

Now! Get off, get off, get off!

I didn't tell the suit
to do any of that.

What's the matter, Santa?

Dib!

How do we know
this is the real Santa?

Eh, of course I'm Santa.

I have robot elves.

[oohs and ahhs]

Robot elves! Just
like in the stories!

What stories have robot elves?

Everyone, remember
last Christmas

when you thought that
escaped gorilla was Santa?

He wasn't?

[crying hysterically]

[crowd booing]

Now, now, Christmas
is a time to be kind

to all the boys and
girls of the world.

Unless their heads
are filthy with lies!

To the jingle jail
with the non-believer!

No! No! Ah! Ah! No!

You won't get
away with this, Zim!

I won't let you ruin Christmas!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas, Dib.
Meeeeerrrrry Christmas!

Ho ho ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Well, things looked bad for Dib.

Zim had fooled the whole world,

but he didn't know much
about Christmas, now did he?

I don't get it!

Why does he want to take
over the Earth so badly?

What does he have
to gain? Or to lose?

And the mechanizations of
this malfunctioning Santa suit

completely elude me.

As I was saying,

things looked bad for Dib.

Zim was already preparing
for his trip to the North Pole

when something happened...

Hurry it up!

All this horrible
jolliness is getting to me!

You! Stop being jolly!

Hmmm. Something has Zim worried.

If I could just get
out of this cell, I--

Hey!

These are made
of real candy cane.

It's funny, robot elf,

I've never seen you before,

but you're the only one I can
talk to right now, you know?

Mm-hmm.

It all seemed so perfect.

If there's one thing
humans can't resist,

it's a fat man with presents,

so I became that fat man.

The hardest part was getting
my hands on the suit.

A Vortian liquid gear.

Every molecule
is a tiny hard drive

I filled up with all the
Santa data I could find.

Look at that, that's
my favorite part there,

when it gets all jiggly. Jiggly!

An ingenious brain interface
allows me to command it.

Thus I become Santa!
But I think I'm losing control.

I programmed it too
well, 'cause I'm amazing,

and now it thinks it is Santa.

Anything Christmassy
makes it go crazy.

And it takes over, filling me
with hideous jolly feelings!

I'd destroy it, but I
need to play Santa

till I beam humanity
to the Tallest as slaves.

Slaves?! That's awful!

Isn't it? But if this
suit takes over,

it'll ruin everything!

♪ We wish you a merry jingly ♪

♪ We wish you a merry jingly ♪

♪ We wish you... ♪

No GIR! No! Stop singing! No!

Ho ho ho, little fellow.
You're so cute.

I am!

Ho ho ho! More
Christmas power for Santa.

Dib! Elves! Seize him!

This time throw him in the
actually strong jingle jail.

Why didn't you throw me in
the strong one in the first place?

You can never understand
my amazing brain!

I hope you like snow, Dib.

Ahhhh!

[ringing]

Gaz! I'm trapped in
a frozen wasteland.

Who isn't?

And Zim's posing as Santa and
he's going to take over the world.

That's great, Dib.
Look, I gotta go.

OK, Gaz. I think
it's time I told you.

The dog's innocent.

I used Bitey the Vampire
for a teleporter experiment,

and switched his
head onto a fly's body.

So if you want to b*at me up,

you're gonna have to
rescue me first, because--

- Gaz?
- Get in.

Wow! Tak's ship! How did you--

[Dib screaming]

Mm-hmm. A little that way.

No, a little back.

Good. Goood.

The teleporter
is almost built, GIR.

This stabilizer should keep
the suit from going crazy

and ruining the ceremony.

♪ Jingly bells, jingly
bells, jingly all the way ♪

No! Not the jingly bells!

Enough jolly! Back
to work, all of you!

Christmas is almost here.
The masses are coming.

I need that teleporter!

I can't believe it!
I finally fixed it!

I'm actually flying
in my own alien ship!

You fixed it?

Well, I fixed most of it.

Dad, I need your help.

Look, son. I'm right
in the middle of--

- But it's Santa. He's--
- Santa?!

He's evil and he wants
to annihilate all mankind.

I knew this day would come.

Son, I'm giving
you full access to

the anti-Santa arsenal I
made when I was a child.

Good luck destroying
Santa, and Merry Christmas.

[squeaking]

[cheers and applause]

Ho ho ho ho. Well
said, Minimoose.

People of Earth, the
teleporter is ready,

so get inside it! Hurry up!

But Santa! It's Christmas Eve.

Aren't you gonna
sing Christmas carols?

No! No more singing.
Time to teleport.

And aren't you gonna
give us any presents?

There's plenty of presents for
you in the teleporter. Now go!

Wheee!

But Mr. Santa, before
I go to my doom,

can I have a hug?

Hug?

Argh! Child! So cute!

And festive! Must resist.

No! Ho ho ho...

Of course you can have a
hug, you cute little woogie.

And let's all sing more songs.

♪ I am Santa, I am Santa ♪

No!

[muffled screams]

Help! It's all lost!

There's no way I can
get out of this suit now.

The Santa has won.

♪ Ho ho ho, ho ho
ho, ho ho ho ho ho ♪

♪ Ho ho ho, ho ho ho ho ho ♪

Zim! Your Christmas time is up!

Malfunction overload. Ho ho ho.

You've been a bad little boy,

now Santa is going
to destroy you.

Rough him up real
good, Johnny! Yeah!

[roaring]

Ah! Ahhhhh!

The suit is weakened! Excellent!

Now, Dib! Throw it into space!

I did it! Christmas is saved!

Hey! That boy threw Santa
into the cold void of space!

Christmas is ruined forever.

Wait! Would the real Santa
have mutated into a horrible blob?

And would Santa have
teleported you into space?

You were so desperate
for a real Santa

that you believed a
monster in a costume!

That's not Christmas.

Go home, forget about this,

and spend time with your
families... or whatever.

The giant metal boy is right.

What fools we've been!

Wait! Will you listen
to the evil robot boy

who destroyed Santa?

Or will you listen to
the Easter platypus?

Easter shrimp for all

if you tackle the boy
who destroyed Santa.

All: Easter platypus,
we love you!

No! No! Wait!

Ah! Ow! Ow!

Well, my evil mission
was a success.

No, it wasn't.

Silence! And, uh, Merry
Platypus, one and all.

Yay!

Snowman: And that's the story of
the most horrible Christmas ever.

But Zim and Dib
were wrong that day.

Santa wasn't destroyed.
Santa lives on.

In the hearts and
minds of us all?

No! In space!
Gathering power.

And every Christmas
he returns to Earth,

and that's why we all live
in this protective dome.

[alarm sounds]

Looks like Santa's here.

Raise the shields, children!