05x02 - The Fatness of These Pursy Times

[bunniefuu]

It is a bag.

You could put the insides into
any other kind of outside. The
possibilities are endless!

It's like the best bag ever.

It is the Best Bag Ever.

Kasey needs to take some
time off from Hoochie.

Fine. Whatever.
Really?

Yeah.
You're not slutted?

Nah.
Why not?

You don't want the good ones to
slip through your fingers.

That's why you married Ted,
cos he's a catch (!)

I'm off to Ngaire's
for the conjugals.

Can't you just move in?

'We have a system.'

Ooh.

Hey! Come on. Move it.

Can't. I'm too shagged.

Cos you're a lazy-arse.

No, brother. I am spent. I have
no vital juices left, Van.

ROCK MUSIC

Take me now! I'm so ready.

Four times I had to do it. I
didn't even get a break for tea.

How's that bad?
It's bad. And then there's
all the spitting.

Oh, yuck. Is she puking?

Nah, she spits on this little stick
to tell her if she's fertile.
I blame you.

I'm not making her spit.

You and Mr Judd and Lloyd knocked
up all those Hoochie girls,

and with her being around them...

Aw, that's fantastic, Lloyd.
OK, love to Chelle.

Come on. What'd she have?

It's a wee boy.

Oh, wow.

(SOBS)

She reckons her biological
clock's gone into overdrive.

Yeah, but you're the Munt machine.

I'm being milked like a python.

They have milk?

They forcibly extract the venom.

Like a python, I'm being milked on
demand. And that's not sexy, let me
tell you.

Bro, no more blow jobs
any more. Or handjobs.

Why not?

It's a waste of jizz.
(SIGHS IN DISGUST)

CELLPHONE RINGS

sh*t, it's her.

Just... try talking to her.

She's hormonally crazed,
bro. I need a rest.

PHONE STOPS RINGING
(SIGHS)

Munt! Why didn't you answer?

sh*t, I'm hearing her even
when she's not here.

She is here, bro.

You need to come home.
I'm fertile as.

I'm working, babe.
I can't just cruise.

You can't be that busy.

Yeah, we are. Kind of.

OK. Fair enough.

MUFFLED MOANING

Keep going! Keep going! Yeah!

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

Is Kasey here?
No.

OK.
Ooh. Ooh, hey. Pascalle.

Why don't you stay
and have a coffee?

Why?

Because I'm making one.

Uh, but you disapprove of me,
and you hate my fiance.

If I'm gonna get her away from that
bastard, I need to try a different
approach.

Like what?

Be nice.

Be...

conciliatory.

(GIGGLES)

Ah!

How's it going with that bag thing?

You mean the Best Bag Ever?
The one that you think is silly?

No, I don't.
You said so. But if you think
that's gonna change my mind...

No, I don't think anything. And,
you know, if you need any help...

You would wanna help me?

Honey, I'm just trying to be nice.

Every time anyone in our family says
that it's cos they want something.

Well, I just want... I wanna help.

OK.

I mean, it's not like, you know,
you've got any experience in
business or sales or manufacturing.

Actually, Mum, I've got all the
experience I need from my previous
careers.

You've had careers?
As a model and caregiver, and as
the inventor of my own philosophy,

and I think it's given me the
preparations I need to sell my bags.

You sold some?

Kasey's got one. So does Ngaire.

So you've sold...?

None, OK, but I will.

It'll be huge. And I won't let you
pour scorn all over my business.
It is meant to develop organically.

Honey, I'm not pouring anything!

Yes, you are, and I'm
not gonna let you.

I'm just trying to help.

She's such a total evil cow who
thinks I'm useless, and why does
she have to undermine me?

Just don't listen to her.

It's too late. I did listen to her.

Don't worry about it.

How can I not worry about it?
This is my own mother.

Aren't you appalled at
what she said to me?
I am, yeah.

As if she's so successful for
selling some tramp underwear,
which wasn't even her idea,

and then making out that I'm some
kind of failure for not selling any
bags.

That's part of the point
of being in business.

Are you agreeing with my mother?
No.

Good. Because I don't need any
more unbelievers in my life.

Kasey?

Oh, hi. I need the bags.

I'll be more minutes.

No, I need the bags. We have
to go to the next level.

If I stand up, I'll lose millions.

Of what?
Sperm. (SIGHS) God.

Must be so hard for them, you know?
Fighting gravity.

Like swimming uphill in a pool
that's sticky and totally dark.

Pascalle?
[ It's OK. I'll get them.

Hey!

Where are the rest?
That is the rest.

Why aren't there more?

We're still perfecting the
prototypes. It's really hard
working from home.

OK. Give me yours.

My bag?
Yes.

But it's got my stuff in it.

Well, empty it. Come on! Quick!

Hiya.

Hey. What's all that?

Crap from Pascalle's room.

What are you doing with it?

Dump it. Burn it. Probably dump it.

No, you bloody don't. Put it back.

Come on, Cheryl. It's not like she's
moving back soon, and they wanted a
room—

They? Who's 'they'?

Grandpa and Ngaire —
they want a room.
Since when?

They spoke to Van about it, and it's
fine by me. Living in that pit is
not good for the twins.

Hold on a minute — Ted and Ngaire
are moving in here?

Yeah. Downstairs.

Ted, what the hell are you
playing at? Ted?

Ted?

Hey, tell me what you think
when I say, 'Casablanca.'

I don't think anything.
OK. What about 'Scorcese'?

A skin disease? An ookie
one like psoriasis.

No, it's not.

You asked what I thought.

I want a name that's cool but not
obvious to the nightclub set.

Fine, whatever. But... do you know
how to use this kind of camera?

Where did you get that?
A shop. The man said it was
the best one. Was he lying?

No.
Good, because I have a highly
important job that needs doing.

For you?
Yes, and if you do the job,
you get to keep the camera.

I don't know. My editing
software's pretty out of date.

Well, I got that too. It's
called Movie something.

What exactly is this job?

It is recording a very important
step in retail history, and also
building the myth of me,

which will be core
to my future success.

The myth?
Yeah, it's like a story but longer.
So, do you wanna do it or not?

I might need a new computer
as well, bigger memory.

Don't push it.

The only upside of Ted marrying that
old bitch is that he'd finally move
out!

Now she is moving in! What the
hell is wrong with her house?

This is Pascalle West speaking.

Hello, Pascalle West. Would you
like to speak to your mother?

No. Actually, I wouldn't. But
you can give her a message.

She's right here.

No, I would prefer you to give
her this message, which is —

if my mother is at the Westfield
mall tomorrow at am, then she
will believe.

OK.

Why aren't you telling her?
I thought I was taking a message.

No, you're giving her
a message, so give it.

OK. Pascalle says you gotta
be at the mall at .

am.

am, not .

Are you taking the piss?
No, I'd never do that.

You haven't done the
believing bit yet.

If you go, you'll believe
in something. In what?

This isn't a message for you.

BEEP!

All going well on the
new-approach front, then.

Ah.

She's got herself all het up cos,
um, I asked if she'd sold any of
those silly bags.

Oh, and calling it a silly bag
is part of the new approach (?)

No, I'm not that stupid.

Right.

Suppose I should go. She's probably
got a shop. f*ck, it's bound to be
a disaster.

If it will be a disaster,
is it a good idea to go?

I'll be around to
pick up the pieces.

Might turn out all right.
How can it?

Why not?
Because it's a silly idea.

As opposed to a sensible idea like
fancy knickers for the larger lady.

You... Watch it, you.

DOOR CLOSES

You hear that?

Bit big for rodents.
Got him.

Ted! Ted, what the
hell are you playing at?

Getting things shipshape.
You can give a hand if you want.

Gimme a reason why!

It's the price of things. A few
drinks down at the Rusty Nail,
it's an arm and a bloody leg.

So we tried a club,
but it didn't suit.

So Ngaire is moving in here to
save you money on bloody piss?

(CACKLES) You think Ngaire
would live here?

What's wrong with here?

She's all class, is Ngaire —
lovely home she's got.

So Ngaire is not moving in here?

Place of my own, that's all I want.

Don't you think I deserve it?
After all I've done, giving you
this house.

No, it's all fine.

It's not how you sounded.
It's all good. You do what you want.

You were casting dispersions
about my wife.
I wasn't.

Say something nice
about her. Go on.

OK.

She's very well preserved.

She is that. And a
firecracker in the sack.

And you promise she's not moving in?

A little music, a game of rummy —
that's all we want at our time of
life, Cheryl.

Mm-hm.

Isn't it a little bit sad getting
kicked out of your own place?

Like a wardrobe exploded in there.

Oh well. Tomorrow she will crash
and burn, and you can help her
find something sensible to do.

Maybe.

Ready! ]

OK, how about this one?

You look great, again.

Yeah, but is it the essential me?
Relatable without being ho-bag?

Totally.
Honey, does it matter?

Tomorrow is the beginning of
my retail story. Successful
entrepreneurs, they all have one.

It's how they started from nothing,
like Jo Malone making perfume in
the bath

or Anita Roddick,
born in a b*mb shelter.

But you're a millionaire.

Yeah, but only because I'm a widow.
But maybe I'm not revealing that
side of myself enough.

Sweetheart, I'm gonna go, but you
will be great. I just know it, OK?

You will be there?

Yeah, of course. Wouldn't miss
it for the world, would we?

Mm-hm.

♪ Everyone knows you've
been such a good girl.

♪ Everyone knows you've been
such a good girl. ♪

What are they doing down there?

Ted's in his undies, and Ngaire's
swinging naked from the banister.

Oh, don't.

See — you don't know wanna know.

Hey, do you think I'm not
capable of being nice?

Ain't no secret that
you like a scrap.

I can change.
Oh, really? You wanna fight?
You wanna fight about that?

MUSIC STOPS

Oh, thank Christ for that.

JOHN ROWLES'
'CHERYL MOANA MARIE' PLAYS

sh*t.

Right. Nah. That's it.

What the hell is that?
I'll deal with it.

♪ At home she's waiting for me. ♪

LAUGHTER, CHATTER

Oh God. The bastards!

Cheryl. Sergeant Wayne.
What are you doing?

Just helping out my good mate Ted.

Look at that — house wins again.

Make yourselves at home.

Cheryl.
Ngaire.

You'd be welcome to join us,
but we do have dress standards.

I f*cking live here.

I would prefer it if you didn't
swear in front of our friends.

Friends?! You don't have any f*cking
friends! Is this what you call a
quiet night in, Ted?

You said I could go for it, and
you've had parties in your time.

People are trying to sleep.

It's my space, and you're putting
them off their game, so bugger off!

Only if you turn the music down.

Ooh, aren't we naughty.

There are pregnant people,
and there are babies!

Party poopers.

Ted, be reasonable.

All right.

If that music goes back up again,
you're all out. The lot of you.

So you won't stay for
a drink and a game?

No thanks, Falani.

Hit me.

BOTTLES CLANK

Those bastards. It smells like
booze and fags in here.

Smells kinda like home to me.

It's disgusting.

It's what it used to smell like.

Well, we don't smoke inside
any more. Do we, sweet pea?

Man, those guys are goers.

What time they bugger off?
About .

Where'd they come from?

I don't know, but man, could they
cheat at cards. Grandpa was slutted.

Still, he made a packet on the beer.

He was selling it?

Yeah. Three bucks each,
but it was all profit.

How does that work?

It was stolen.
I didn't say that.

I'll give him a piece of my mind.

Mum, he's not here.
He's round at Ngaire's.

Great! I'll go there.

Why don't you leave this to me?
Scared I'll rip his arms off?

Don't you have a daughter
to go and support?

Yeah.

As mother to a legend, how are
you feeling about all this?

f*ck are you doing here?
I'm recording this historic event —
Pascalle making a twat of herself —

though how this is historic, since
she makes a twat of herself every—

Get that thing out of my face.

Oh great (!) The g*ng's all here.

Cheryl.
Ngaire.

Oh my God. Is she here yet? Am I
late? I'm so nervous I could wee
myself.

PA: Ladies and gentlemen,
are you ready?!

UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS

Did you do this?
She made me.

PASCALLE: Nature inspires me. I
love nature. I love the trees...

This is where the money's going.

We all need to be a little bit
more like the trees and have
roots and be rooted.

WOMAN: Here she is —
Pascalle West!

Hello, everyone. I am Pascalle West.
I was born right here in West
Auckland

into a poor and
dysfunctional family.

f*cking hell.

That has not stopped
me from living my dream

and having the amazing idea that
has changed my life and will soon
change yours.

We all know — don't we, ladies —
that a handbag is much more than
just a handbag.

You know, don't you, that there
is an entire life in that handbag.

Change your bag and you can change
your life. And today I'm gonna show
you how that can happen,

and it is so easy
you won't believe it.

You got that right.

I am looking for one very lucky lady
to take my bag-life challenge.

Pick me! I'll do it!

CELLPHONE RINGS

Oh my God. We have all been there,
haven't we? Your phone is ringing,
but you so can't find it.

You need to take my bag-life
challenge. Come on. You know
you want to.

APPLAUSE

What's your name, honey?
Tara.

OK, Tara. You're gonna have to
trust me. Give me your bag.

Give me the bag.

OK, Tara. This might be a little bit
painful, but your life is about to
change.

CROWD GASPS

OK, what do we have here?

Oh, happy birthday, Tara.

Is this guy Bronson cute?
Did you call him?

I lost his number.

CROWD GROANS

Haven't we all been there? The lost
phone number, the wallets, the keys,
the lost condoms.

Well, all this changes
right now for you.

Tara, do you know what this is?

A bag?
That's my bag.

This is the Best Bag Ever.

LAWNMOWER ROARS

LAWNMOWER STOPS

Why aren't you at work?
I'm looking after Jane. I can give
you a lift in. About the parties—

None of your bloody business.
Eh?

It's not your house, and I can
have friends over if I want.

It's a poker den with stolen grog.

Cheap beer's a good beer
if you're on a pension.

Where else are they meant to go?
It's piss-weak tea and lights out
at in those rest homes.

They're from a rest home?

We pick them up, drop them off.

You're a social service.

They can't even have a durrie
indoors. They send them out to
smoke in all weathers,

even with emphysema.
How can that be healthy?

What about people in our house
like babies and pregnant women?

Have they served their country?
Paid a lifetime of taxes?

You never did, either.

I'm just thinking of others.

Ways to fleece 'em.

It's a good little earner, but this
is about principle. We're old, not
dead.

OK, fine. But there's some ground
rules, like no more stolen booze
and keep the bloody noise down.

Or what? You gonna ground me?

Ted, no more trouble.
It's my final word.

There is a perfect place for
everything. Your wallet, keys,
sunnies, make-up, pens.

And, of course, that phone.

Great!

And if you do wanna go out, you just
pop what you need into the wristlet,
the clutch or the shoulder bag —

all where you need them
when you need them.

So, Tara, tell me. How does it feel
knowing that you own one of the
first Best Bags Ever in the world?

Amazing.

I know. Isn't it fantastic? So
let's just give Tara a big round
of applause.

Tara has just won a Best Bag Ever
worth $ , and you could have it
too.

That's steep.
Yeah.

Worth $ , but on sale
direct today for only .

Then we've got straps in here,
and you just put the big one here.

sh*t. Not a disaster.

No.

No, the pink one is just
gorgeous, isn't it?

Hi.

Have you got something
you wanted to say?

I've gotta get home to missy.
I'll catch you later.

Fine.

OK, keep your eyes closed.

What is it? Is it a present?

Well, what you said to me was such a
good point, and seeing as we've sold
all the bags—

Including mine.

I will so make that up to you. You
know I will. And with orders.

It's just so great.

Keep filming.
Can I open my eyes now?

No, not yet.

Are you getting this?
Just wanna go straight ahead.

OK.

You can open them!

What do you think?

It's not a lunch place.

Well, you needed somewhere
to work, so I got you this.

It's kind of stinky and disgusting.

We might need to fix it up a
little bit, but all great businesses
started from somewhere like this,

like, um, Anita Roddick next to the
funeral parlour. So, how long do you
think you'll need to do them?

Do what?

Sew the bags. I said a couple
of days, maybe a week, to the
customers.

You want me to make
bags in a week?

Yeah, that's what you do.

I'm a designer.

But you made the other ones.

Do you know how hard these bags are?
You know, I am not a machinist. I
can't just—

OK, you can stop filming now.

No, this is great!

Wait outside!

Triumph to disaster in seconds,
partnership in tatters.

Loretta.

Kase, we can't let
our customers down.

I've told you — I can't do it.

But I am relying on you, and I'll
give you % of my profits.

Your profits?!
You know what I mean.

There is no way that I can make
these bags, and even if I wanted
to, it would take me months.

Cheryl is on at me about the spring
range and parties and covering for
Chelle. And plus I'm ovulating.

Maybe just one or two, you know—

You're not listening
to me! I said no!

(GIGGLES) Bravo.

sh*t.

Loretta!

Heya.

Hi.

Been out celebrating?
Pascalle must be over the moon.

After everything I've done,
she didn't even say thanks.

Right.

And now she wants to chain me up in
some filthy shed and have me work
night and day.

And then she went and took my bag
and sold it and she didn't even ask
me.

Kase, it's OK.

She doesn't sell hers, I noticed.

She just gets swept away sometimes.

Yeah, well, I can't do it, Cher.

I've just had it.

Maybe this could give you some
time to do the spring designs.

I have been working on them.

Sheree's looking into a tour. You
know, Nelson, few places on the
West Coast,

and she's got some
tentative dates for you.

Why can't she go?

She can't miss her midwife.

How do I get pregnant
in the South Island?

It's a couple of weeks. Come on. The
space might give you time to do the
designs—

No. You know what? I am so sick
of everyone treating me like I'm
letting everyone down,

and even if I am, does no one stop
to think about what I'm going
through?

What are you going through?

I'm an irregular ovulator.

Does that matter?

Sometimes I think the eggs don't
even release, and you know why,
Cheryl?

It's the pressure.
It's clenching me up.

(SNIFFS) Well, I'm sorry.
I have to put my eggs first.

Oh, yeah. Come on, baby.

Yeah, now we're there,
baby. Come on, baby.

What's the matter?

Just... when you say baby, do
you mean me or the other baby?

Does it matter?
It's just...

Oh, Munts. Are you OK?

The mighty Munt's a bit tired on
it. All faint from lack of food.

When we're finished
I'll make you a salad.

I was thinking steak or that
spicy chicken thing you did.

Munts, I haven't had time, with
all this pressure from Cheryl and
Pascalle,

and the whole 'Am I ovulating?'
thing. It's so winding me up.

Well, maybe you need
to ease up, you know?

My God.

You're so right. And if I left work,
then we could concentrate on making
a baby full time.

Yeah, or maybe we could
ease up on that too.

Don't you want a baby?

I do. It's just I miss the sex.

But we're having sex. Or we were
going to, until you couldn't because
the mighty Munt lost it.

That's cos it's not sexy no more.

Are you saying you
don't find me attractive?

No, Kasey.
That is what you're saying.

I didn't say— I can't help it if
the mighty Munt's not into it.

You're blaming your cock?

Nah, it's just he misses
the other stuff, you know?

The handjobs and the blow jobs.

Giving you a blow job would
make you feel better?

Maybe.

But only if you wanted to.

(SIGHS) Actually...

I don't want to give you a blow job!
You know what? Since I'm such a
lousy lay

and so ugly and demanding that you
don't want to have a child with me—

But Kasey—

You and the mighty Munt can go have
a handjob together or a steak or
whatever.

All right! I will, then!

Kase walked out today.
Oh well.

No, not 'Oh well'. I need her.

She always walks out. She always
walks in. It's like the seasons.

Bloody Pascalle expects her to drop
everything to sew that stupid bag
and Kasey takes it out on me.

I'm not the bloody enemy.

Maybe you should go tell her that.

Is this you being sympathetic?

I just...

You know what? I'm not gonna say
anything. Just go see her. Be
conciliatory.

See. She agrees with me.

Cheryl.
Ngaire.

This is our friend Bilkey.

Lovely to meet you. I've
heard so much about you.

I bet.
Wayne, I believe we've met before.

Yeah, yeah.

Lord! Look at the state of this.

What the hell are you doing?

Bilkey needs to heat his pinwheels.

I like them with olive tapenade,
but it's not to everyone's taste.

Why can't Ted use your place?

Ted comes to my place all the time,
and he does have rights here,
Cheryl.

It'll be quiet, over by . Bilkey
will be up to get those soon. We'll
be out of your way.

Lovely to meet you, Cheryl.

And shouldn't that child be in bed?

BABY COOS

Bitch!

Cheryl!

Just leave it and go.
This is my house.

And I live here too. Ted and I have
an agreement. It'll be sweet.

Come here. Kiss baby goodbye.
Say bye-bye.

Night, you. Night, you.

And you'll sort it?

Leaving it to me.

The whole sex-baby thing...
is wrong, bro.

But that's the point of sex.

But you don't wanna know it is.

The job of the female animal is to
trick the male animal into knocking
her up without talking about it.

If they're animals, they can't talk
about it, because they're animals.

You know what I mean.

Kinda worked for me, bro.

And that's great, cos Sheree's
knocked up and you didn't ever
have to talk about it.

Yeah, but we still
have heaps of sex.

She-She's still into it?

Oh yeah.

Let me tell you something
about women —

pregnant ones...
unbelievably up for it.
Yeah?

Yeah. If she's tired, she still
does a handjob or a blow job.
It's awesome.

Yeah?

There's a little thing on tonight
for gentlemen. Only bucks...
plus beers. If you're interested.

I can't believe the way she behaved,
just walking off like that.

Casey is kind of emotional.

Actually, she's a complete flake.

No, not her. Mum.

Is she really so important?

She is k*lling Kasey with her
unrealistic expectations.

Honey, Cheryl is not
the problem here.

[ Yes, she is!

Look at this logically.

You were never going to be able to
rely on Kasey, and if you can't—

You saying I should give up?

God, no. And I love your idea. I do.

But sometimes these things
just don't work out.

You are saying I shouldn't do it.

No one is saying that.

You'll be fine.

I would be if my mother
wasn't such a cow.

Maybe you need to deal with
that. Tell her how you feel.

You know, you are so right.

Thank you. Love you.

What the hell were you doing?!

I thought the idea was to
stop her wasting money.

I can't afford to look
like the bad guy here.

Oh, and you're such a sweetie (!)

We don't have to say anything or do
anything, because it's gonna f*ck
out all by itself.

How can it not?

KNOCK AT DOOR

I think you need to go back
downstairs and turn left.

Thanks, dear.

It's really quiet down there.

Long as it's quiet, it's fine.

You don't wanna check?

I don't wanna check.

I've been noticing more of a 'man of
the house' thing since you moved in.

KNOCK AT DOOR

I'll take that as a
compliment for now.

If you're looking for people your
age, you'll find them downstairs.

(LAUGHS DRYLY)

Hey, Wayne. Is Cheryl in?

She's out. What do you want?

I had a complaint from the
manager at the Janet Frame.

Some residents absconded last night,
with a Samoan man in a minibus.

Falani.
Probably his nephew.

They weren't in a good way today.

One vomited over staff, one was
admitted for alcohol poisoning,

five more of them disappeared
this evening, two suffering from
dementia,

one has a heart condition. Jesus,
we're responsible for these people.

I get it. I get it.

DOOR RATTLES

Ted! Ngaire!

Cool. You gonna break it down?

Ted!

p*rn MUSIC PLAYS

Sergeant Wayne.

Not sergeant, Falani.

I always forget. Something
to do with your aura.

Did you, by any chance, pick up some
old fellas from the Janet Frame?

See? The way you say that—

Drop the bullshit!

WOMAN SCREAMS IN ECSTASY

What's the movie?
Uh, classic cinema.

OK. Prison Vixens on Heat. Please
don't say anything to Mrs Falani.

Keep it down, man!

Is that you, Munter?
No.

Some of these guys have
gotta go home.

BOTH: Shush.

One of them has a heart condition.

Are you listening to me?

You're interrupting, so bugger off.

Right.

(GIGGLES EXCITEDLY)

We have your elderly gentlemen and
Van, Munter and Falani watching
Prison Vixens on Heat.

And doing God knows what else.
Ew, you mean...?

Probably. Carpet's in
enough of a state.

Ew!

Wanna take 'em home?

They've wrapped it up?
They will, don't you worry.

Wow. So manly.

You should take notes.

GIRL SCREAMS WILDLY

This is pretty cheesy, eh?

Reckon that lesbian guard'll boof
the other one with her truncheon?

Don't tell me. You're ruining it.

MACHINE FIZZLES, ALL GROAN

Sorry, folks. Technical problems.

(CLICKS SWITCH)

The power's gone off.

Porky bastard!

I know I'm a pain, Cheryl, and hard
to live with, but I didn't think
it'd be this hard to get pregnant.

And you and Chelle and Sheree, you
all seem to without even trying.

How long have you been trying?
Three months.

(LAUGHS)

What's so funny?

Come on, Kase. It's not that long.

No, but I have been
really really trying.

Maybe you should, I dunno, not try.
I was not trying when I got knocked
up.

Yeah?
Yeah.

But I bet you weren't
an irregular ovulator.

You need to forget about it.
You need to relax.

That's what Munts was saying.

You know, now that you're not doing
the bag, the pressure's off.

Are you saying this so I'll
go to the South Island?

Don't worry about that.
Really?

Really. Look, Kase...

You're the reason this
business exists.

So you just do whatever works.

You really mean that?
I really mean that.

Do whatever you need to.
No strings attached.

CRIES: That's so nice.

Oh God. You don't need to cry.

We're mates, right?

We're mates!

You didn't have to listen
to Hayden Poofter Peters.

I said no trouble, and there was.

If you wanna make money
from sad old bastards—

We didn't. We had to give refunds.

Do you think I f*cking care?

It's not your house!

No, it's Cheryl's!

p*ssy-whipped, that's what you are.

Isn't he just!
Enough from you.

Don't you talk to my wife like that!

Put 'em up, Trotsky.
Oh, I'm not gonna fight you.

Too scared? Don't wanna be
whipped in front of the ladies?

I've had enough of your bullshit and
lack of respect! I live here, so
get f*cking used to it!

Is my mother here?
No, she's not!

Why not?

She's going to see
Kasey to talk to her.

But Mum is the reason Kasey's upset.

Can't you guys sort this?!

How, when she's not even here
cos she's gone to heavy Kasey?!

Is it worth getting this upset over
handbags and bloody knickers?!

It is more than a handbag.

She is your mother, and a decent
woman who cares for you, so get
over it!

And you...

Any more sh*t from you,
and you're gone.

Jumped-up prick!

Leave him, Ted. He's not worth it.
And Cheryl's the real problem.

What has she done now?

It's not your concern,
darling. How's Best Bag?

(SIGHS) Not very good.

Today was inspirational.

I know, but now I've got no
designer, I've gotta make bags,
but I've got nobody to make them.

Maybe I should just give up.

Who said that? Cheryl?

No, but—

You can't let her stop you.

I'm trying really really hard to
be positive, but I can't sew bags.

Oh, my dear. You should've
come to me sooner.

GOLDEN HORSE'S NORTHERN LIGHTS

Hi. For you, because you so deserve
them, and I should've given them to
you before.

Thanks, but I can't make
the bags even if I wanted.

There's all the metal and the
detailing, and I've had a really
good talk with Cheryl.

Kasey, shut up and listen.

You were late in last night.

You know what Kase is like when
she's on the booze. She ever stop
crying?

So it was bad?

No. It was good. Real good.

You know what? I can play
nice when I want to.

No argument here.

(LAUGHS) So, how are the teenagers?

No more parties or
they're out of here.

How's that playing nice?

I don't f*cking care.

Ted and Ngaire need to know
that if they f*ck with you...

...they get me.

Really?
Yeah. That's the way it is now.

Why are you still here?

Cos of my marital difficulties.

You need to go home
to Kasey tonight.

Don't know about that, Mrs West.

I do, Munter. It's all sorted.

Mwah!

Hey, Cher.

The spring designs — I've done them.

Already?

Yeah, well, I couldn't sleep last
night, and Munter didn't come home.

He'll be back.

OK, so it's kinda funky Pacific.
'Can't Get Enough Underwire.'

'Slice of Heaven',
split-crotch cami.

Kase, these are great!

Hoochie is so a part of me.

What you said to me about working
out what was right for me? I've
done that.

That's what I've told Pascalle too.

She's OK with it?

Totally sweet.

And she's found this
amazing machinist.

Where the f*ck from?

This is Bilkey, and he is a bag man.

Two years in Mount Eden, darling, on
mailbags. Nowhere near as fruity as
yours.

So all I have to do is design.

Oh, and supervise Bilkey, who is
cool. He's into fashion. And I can
have time off whenever I want.

You're leaving us?

Well, you did say, you know,
work out what was right for me.

I didn't say bloody leave us.

I know, but Pascalle's offer
is so what I need right now.

Kase, what about Hoochie
being part of you?

Yeah, well, it's a part
I have to move on from.

But Kase—!

No, I'm sorry, Cheryl. You can't
change my mind. I've already said
yes.

She can't have quit.

Think it's for real this time.

I thought it was sorted?

She took me at my word.

sh*t.

Oh well. Least I've got Sheree. I'll
just have to find myself some new
girls,

new designer...

(SIGHS) I just...

I don't get... I don't get
how she could do this to me.

Kasey was always a
bit of a fruit loop.

No, I mean Pascalle.

She knows how much I need Kasey, and
then she goes and bloody shafts me.
My own daughter.

What'd I ever do to deserve that?

Here's to me.

Yeah, to you.

CLINK!

(SIGHS)

Talk to your mum?

Why?

Because I thought
that was important.

Actually, I've had this huge
realisation, which is that I
don't need her approval any more,

because I've got so many other
people who believe in me, like me.

And like Kasey and
Ngaire and Grandpa,

and, best of all, I've got you.

Yeah, you do.

MENACING MUSIC

SEXY MUSIC

Hey, baby.

I made the spicy chicken thing.

It's in the oven.

And I just want you to know

that we're not trying. Not any more.

But Kasey, I do wanna
have a baby with you.

But we are so not trying.

Really not trying.

Is this OK?

We can waste as much
sperm as we want.

(GIGGLES) ]

(SIGHS)

HELLO SAILOR'S
'GUTTER BLACK' PLAYS

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.' ♪