02x10 - The Queen is Dead

[bunniefuu]

Thank you.

Man:
Cheryl!

Hi, Ted.

Oh, you look good
enough to devour.

Mmm! My best
queen ever.

Oh. It’s been the most
fantastic year of my life.

It’s not over yet,
sweetheart.

I hope you had
a good flight.

Perfect. Thank you,
as always.

What kind of a burg

did you book us
into this year, Ted?

Palm beach a burg?

It’s the resort
for the rich and raunchy.

Sonny has been complaining
for years.

( Kisses )
Haven’t you, Sonny?

Maybe it’s time
he got another job.

I’ll always be emcee,
but you’re almost history.

That’s what you think.

Hey, hey!

What’s wrong with you two?

Now, come on.

This is all about
love and beauty.

This is my pageant, kids.

I won’t have any fighting.

Mr. Meyerson!

Mr. Meyerson!

Okay, you two, come on.

Kiss and make up.

Mr. Meyerson.

Well, who
do we have here?

Betty Lou Biggs.

I’m a contestant.

Of course. How are you?

You’re supposed
to arrive tomorrow

with the other girls.

I couldn’t wait.

I was too excited.

But we don’t have
a room for you.

Meyerson:
Get one.

This way, miss Dixie belle.

This way, Betty Lou.

You’re in the suite
next to mine.

Ready for tonight?

I’m always ready, Teddy.

I was beginning to think
you weren’t coming.

I had business
to take care of.

Now you can take care
of my business.

Not too rough.

You want to get
rough, baby.

I’ll give you rough.

Chris:
I’m telling you,
this is a mistake.

So, what do you think
about the place?

It’s a beautiful place.

Don’t change the subject.

These are just holes
you throw money into.

My friend who has one
says they’re a great way

to unwind after work.

So zone out in front
of the television.

Come on,
let’s get it up.

It’s free,
and you don’t feed it.

Right, but
you know what?

I’ve wanted a pet
for a really long time.

I couldn’t have a dog or cat
because I couldn’t leave him.

I never know when
I’ll get home.

Fish are really
self-reliant.

They’re colorful,
they’re bright...

Yeah, well,
just don’t get

emotionally attached,
right?

Fish have got
the life expectancy

of soap bubbles.

Plus they don’t poop
on the floor.

That’s a definite plus.

Yeah.

( Phone rings )

Yeah, hello.

Yeah, hi, lieutenant.

Sorry to bother you at home
on your day off

but we have a homicide here
at the pan pacific hotel.

The miss Dixie belle
beauty pageant is here

and I am certain the press
will be all over this.

Is the m*rder connected
to the pageant?

Very much so.

The queen is dead.

What’s up, lieutenant?

Glad you could make it.

Over here.

Lance...

You’re primary
on this one.

This may require
some undercover work

and I don’t want you
burned as a cop.

This would be
a perfect job for Rita.

We could send her in
as a contestant.

Wouldn’t she look great
in spiked heels

a bathing suit,
a little tiara

with a satin sash
across the...?

What size heels
do you wear?

Ten and a half,

but no patent leather,
please.

It makes me look cheap.

We have a k*ller
on the loose

with a taste
for beautiful women

and a hotel full
of potential victims.

We have better odds
working from the inside.

What’s my cover?

We’ll work that out later.

For now, stay off.

I’ll give Rita a ride back.

You should get your hair done
and your nails.

I hate to mention it,
but they’re a mess.

It’s a hell of a thing.

I was having a nice weekend.

Sexual as*ault?

An indication.

The lab test
can tell us for sure.

Whoever k*lled her

really wanted her to hurt.

She took a hell
of a beating

before she died.

No sign of forced entry

so either she let
the k*ller in

or he had a key.

Hmm.

We should run all
the hotel employees

through the computer.

See if anyone has
a record of sex crimes.

Who runs the pageant?

Meyerson, meyerson...
Ted meyerson.

He’s at pageant headquarters
at the theater next door.

Rita:
It’s the queen’s crown.

It’s got a few
stray hairs on it.

Blond hairs...
But they might be bleached.

Make sure you bag
these hairs, all right?

I’m going to go find meyerson.

Look, I told
you press people

that we’d have a statement
for you later.

Now back off.

Sergeant Lance,
palm beach homicide.

Oh. Uh... sorry.

I got my wires crossed,
but they’ve been

all over us.

I’m Ted meyerson,
owner of the pageant.

This is my assistant,
Dana Barclay.

I called when
we found the body.

Who found it?

The chambermaid.

This morning.

Mr. Meyerson,
I am so sorry.

Meyerson:
We’re all upset.

Who could have done
such an evil thing?

That’s what sergeant...

Lance.

Lance is here to find out.

Don’t you worry.

Everything is under control.

We’ve doubled security,
and police...

You’re going on
with the contest?

This is not a contest.

It’s a pageant,
steeped in tradition.

We must continue.

We’ve got
television

sponsors who
have bought time

and a lot of money at stake

my money.

It’s too late anyway.

The girls are here.

They are?

The limousines
just began arriving

excuse me.

You’ll have to excuse me,
sergeant.

I have the flower
of Dixie beauty to attend to.

Guess we know where
the priorities are.

Uh... Betty Lou, right?

Yes.

Um... do you know
Cheryl Williams?

No, sergeant.

I saw her briefly
last night when I arrived.

She was such a stunning girl.

Right. Yeah.

I love the color of your hair.

Well, thanks.

Do you do it?

Uh... no. It’s all natural.

What you see is what you get.

Yeah.

I bet.

Whoever strangled her
was strong.

Look how deeply that belt
cut into her neck...

And the bruises.

Hudson:
Four people
from the pageant

were in the hotel.

Any contestants?

Yeah, one beauty--
skin-deep and otherwise.

Screen stars,
a Hollywood talent agency

was supposed to supply a judge--
an actor.

I made a few calls.

Screen stars made a few calls,
and hey--

you’re it, babe.

You’re Chris Lawton

a Broadway actor
who just completed

his first "B" movie,
a sure-fire future star.

Well, you’re arriving
from Hollywood today

ahead of schedule

so pack your best rags,
your ego...

And call pageant headquarters

from the airport.

They’ll send
a limo for you.

Outstanding. Nay, superb.

I need a stretch limousine.

I need a moon roof, a TV,
maybe a divider

between me
and the limo driver.

Will this be
a female driver?

I’ll have to buy some rags.

Will you get him
out of here?

This is an undercover gig,
not a parallel universe.

We’ll do lunch, babe.

Sushi, you and I.

I’d like to thank...

Love you.

I’d like to thank
my grandmother first.

Does your
bathing suit fit?

It fits perfect.

What is your talent?

Oh, excuse me.

S-S-Singing.

Mr. Lawton, I presume.

Yeah, how did you know?

Your face isn’t famous yet,
but with your looks

you soon will be.

Welcome to the
Dixie belle pageant.

We are sure you will make
a fabulous judge.

I’ve been worried about that.

Sweetheart, don’t worry.

The rules are very simple.

There’s a copy waiting
in your suite.

Bellman!

Please take care
of Mr. Lawton.

If you need anything,
and I do mean anything

you call me.

Welcome aboard.

Mr. Lawton.

Would you give me
your autograph?

Uh... you know who I am, too?

Not well enough.

I heard you were sensational
off Broadway.

You just finished a movie?

Well, things, uh...

They seem to be going my way.

You’re so lucky...

And so handsome.

Now you’re going to be a judge.

I’ve never done
one of these contests before.

Well, I have.

Lots of them.

Maybe I could...
Give you some pointers?

Well, miss...

Betty Lou Biggs.

Miss Biggs... miss Biggs.

Well, see, as a judge,
I have to be impartial, right?

I told my agent
I wouldn’t screw this thing up

so I'm going up to my room

and I'm going to read
my rule book.

I understand

Mr. Lawton.

But we’re just getting started.

I’m sure there will be
plenty of opportunity

for you and me
to become... friends.

I’m sure there will.

All right, give me one.

Okay, give me two.

That’s good, Sal.

Now let me see
what you have in mind

for the girls’ promenade.

Oh, Sergeant Lance.

You startled me.

I need to ask you

a few questions,
Mr. Meyerson.

Now?

Yeah, now.

Could you please
turn off that light?

You know,
you look good up there.

Okay, Sal, cut it.

Put on the house lights
and take five.

Were you ever
in a beauty contest, Rita?

Could we just get down
to business, Mr. Meyerson?

Why so formal?

Call me Ted.

You know,
every little girl dreams

of being up there
on the stage.

Spotlight’s on her.

Knowing that she’s the best

that one day,
she’ll wear the crown.

I’ll bet you did, too,
didn’t you, Rita?

Sergeant Lance, Mr. Meyerson.

Parading across a stage is
not my idea of a good time.

Did you escort
Cheryl Williams

to her room last night?

Yes, I spent
half the night with her.

Cheryl and I made love
several times

passionate, kinky love.

Kinky love? Did you strike her?

No.

Some girls are into that.

They like it.

Do you?

Did you strangle her?

Of course not.

I indulge in various forms
of stimulation

but m*rder is not one of them.

Do you know if anyone
had a reason to k*ll her?

No. Cheryl was a darling girl
and a very willing partner.

Is that all... Rita?

For now.

Thank you for your time.

What have you got?

I have a case
of the creepy crawlies.

You could body-dip
Ted meyerson

in a vat of disinfectant

he would still
come out dirty.

I got those test results back.

Nothing surprising.

Meyerson had sex with Cheryl
the night she was k*lled.

He claims he didn’t hit her.

Maybe those bruises got there
all by their lonesome.

The blows left
a distinctive mark...

Probably a ring.

This is what the victim

was wearing
when she died.

Miss Dixie belle, .

They make the rings
for every pageant.

The judges and officials
get them.

Was meyerson wearing one?

He’s got a white band
around his finger

where a ring goes.

So what was his motive,
and why now?

Strangling the outgoing queen
during coronation week.

It’s a good way to nuke
your own beauty contest.

Maybe he gets carried away
during sex.

He loves it kinky.

It starts with a light slap

he gets heated up
and can’t help himself.

Sounds like you’ve got
an interest

in finding him guilty.

I just hate all
that the slimeball stands for.

I’ll talk to you later.

Big smiles, big smiles.

Yes, that’s it.

That’s good.

Take five.

Hi.

I bet you move
really well, huh?

I’m afraid I'm not
a very good dancer

Mr. Carlisle.

That doesn’t matter.

Maybe we can do
a number together.

I think you’re doing one
on me right now.

You’re pretty sharp.

Sonny, that’s a beautiful ring.

You get this

through the pageant?

Ted gives them out.

I’ve got one
for every finger.

Hi, Mr. Lawton.

Hello.

Well, you’ll excuse me,
won’t you?

I can see
that you’re partial to judges.

Creep.

Thanks for interrupting.

The rules clearly say
no messing with the girls.

Not in public anyway.

I’d love to talk to you
about acting.

Maybe tonight after curfew

you and I could do
an improvisation together?

I’m in room .

Uh, the rules also say

that no one is to enter
a contestant’s room

without proper authorization

and there is
a security chaperone

at every contestant’s door.

Not every judge’s.

Well, that’s a good point.

Like those earrings.

Oh, hi, sergeant.

Any hot clues?

Yeah, a hotel full,
but so far

I'm having the same
luck you are.

I guess this must be the day
to get my ego bashed.

You and Cheryl
had an argument

the night she was k*lled.

Cheryl didn’t like me.

Why?

She was jealous.

Beauty queens wrinkle up
and blow away

by the time they’re

and I've been walking
through jobs like this

for years.

Did you ever make
a pass at her?

I made passes

at all of them.

You’d be surprised
by my batting average.

I’ve heard.

I also heard Cheryl tried
to get meyerson to fire you.

Could that have been
over sexual harassment?

I’m still here.

Cheryl didn’t want
to play.

That’s okay.

Besides, I hear things, too...

Like Cheryl liked it rough.

Real rough.

No pain, no flame.

It’s not really my thing

but she knew where to go
to find it.

Ted meyerson.

You do get around,
don’t you?

Hey, can I buy you a drink?

Strike three, Sonny.

Sorry.

Excuse me,
Sergeant Lance.

Yes?

I saw you talking to Chris
outside a while ago.

I was just wondering,
was that business or pleasure?

Excuse me?

You know
what I'm talking about.

He wasn’t here
when Cheryl died

so he couldn’t be
a suspect.

I think
you’re just flirting.

He’s a hunk
and I saw him first.

Are you worried,
Betty Lou?

Maybe you should be.

I waited
after rehearsal.

I thought we were going
to do a private session.

Blow off, Gino.

You couldn’t get lucky
in a cathouse

with a fistful
of s.

Find out anything?

Sonny Carlisle’s
got a pageant ring

and roaming hands
and a major hunger for women.

I noticed.

You know, Sonny
also told me

that Cheryl
was into pain

and that Ted meyerson
was the dealer.

Suddenly he’s not wearing
a ring he always wears.

I’ve got bucks that says
if we find the ring

we can match it
to the bruises on the body.

Did you find out anything
revealing about miss Biggs?

Everything about her
is revealing...

Her walk, her wardrobe.

You know, her hair color
matches a few strays

that we found on
the victim’s crown.

If they are Betty Lou’s

then that means that
she was in Cheryl’s room

the night that
she was strangled.

Should we get some samples?

I know, it’s going
to be very difficult

but why don’t you, uh...

Extend yourself?

Can’t this come down
a little more?

Betty Lou, I've
already told you

bust lines have
to be uniform.

Nobody gets
an unfair advantage.

Honey, I was born with
an unfair advantage.

If you’ve got it,
flaunt it.

Hmm.

Mr. Lawton,
what are you doing here?

Rule
of the evening-gown code

clearly states, "all gowns
prior to the event

"must be judged comparable
in design, color...

And shape."

Now, I'm a judge,
so I’ll be judging.

I don’t think

that’s what it’s
supposed to mean

but it’s all right.

All the girls are decent.

Excuse me.

How do I look?

Overdressed.

You trying to talk me
out of this gown?

You trying to make me
lose my job?

Of course not.

I need your support.

All right,
now let me judge.

Thread.

Well, thank you, honey.

You’re welcome.

You wash my back
and I’ll wash yours.

Betty Lou, what...

I like you.

You know I like you,
don’t you?

I like you, too, baby.

I like you a lot.

Look, one thing
we can’t do...

We can’t do this.

Can’t happen.

Are you turning me down?

No, I'm not
turning you down.

Look...

I’m just putting you
on hold

until after
the contest, okay?

Now, you’ve got to get
out of here and dry off.

Use my robe, my towel,
anything you need

but you got to go.

I like that.

On hold.

Rita:
How did you get them?

She used my hairbrush.

Your hair is wet.

These are wet.

Dr. Lincoln is
a stickler for hygiene.

I figure he’d rather
analyze hair

that was clean.

Right.

Rita:
Betty Lou’s hair is identical
to the hair on the crown.

The lab ran separate tests
on the hair and the dye itself.

Bleached.
Bleached.

That confirms it.

She was in
the victim’s room.

After meyerson left.

I mean, he admitted
that he and Cheryl

got into it as soon
as they got up
to the room.

I mean, she didn’t have
time to unpack

much less
take out the crown

that we found
the hair in.

Okay, so meyerson
has intercourse with her

roughs her up and leaves,
with Cheryl still alive.

Right.

Then Betty Lou ambitious
patiently waits her turn.

Knocks on the door,

apologizes for
the late visit

and then proceeds to pick
Cheryl Williams’ brain.

( Imitating Betty Lou ):
"Miss Cheryl, how did you get
to be miss Dixie belle?

"Do you think
I could see your crown?

"Oh, do you think
I could try it on?

"And don’t you think

I would look divine
as your successor?"

I like it so far.

Even the accent?

Then what?

She knew she could
get away with m*rder.

Our test indicating
Cheryl had sex

and also took a beating

made it look
like the work of meyerson.

He did supply Cheryl with that
on a regular basis.

Betty Lou must have known
what was going on.

You think Betty Lou
framed meyerson.

I think she could have.

What’s her motive?

That I haven’t figured out yet.

Anyone could have followed
Betty Lou or meyerson

into the victim’s room.

Meyerson could have
come back himself.

Look, we’re still
on square one.

I’m taking
a big chance

not calling the pageant off
with him loose

and three dozen beauties around.

I know.

Will you go out there
and find me the k*ller?

Hi. How are you?

I’m Chris... oh, man!

A little nervous?

I’ve got
opening-night butterflies.

How would you feel

parading around
in a bathing suit

in front of millions
of people?

What millions of people?

TV audience.

This is tough.

I would rather be undercover
with the mob than this.

Hi, dear. Hi.

So, did you get anything
on Betty Lou’s hair?

It’s a perfect match.

You will be shocked
that she lied

about her hair
being a natural blond

also about being
at Cheryl’s room.

We got a good horse running.

Good evening, yes.

Why saddle up another one?

Let’s find the ring

and bust meyerson
for beating her up.

Beating wouldn’t prove
he k*lled her.

That slot’s still open,
and Betty Lou is a guess.

What motive could Betty Lou
possibly have?

You expect everything
served on a platter?

The motive is yours.

She’s all over you
like a skin rash.

Quiet, here she comes.

Hello, sergeant.

Got the hounds out today?

Yeah, till I get my man,
or woman.

Good for you.

Well, how do I look?

You look darling, darling.

Good luck, ladies!

Ta-ta.

Dana:
Hurry up, Betty Lou. Places!

Score one vote
for miss Biggs.

You think that
I'm not impartial.

Not at all... darling.

Take your place,
Mr. Lawton.

It’s show time.

Good evening,
I'm Christopher Lawton.

( Audience applauding )

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Now, ladies, don’t spoil me.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

from Knoxville, Tennessee,
Miss Sally Hooper.

Isn’t she lovely?

There she goes.

Sunny Sally.

Moves across that stage.

That’s it.

What a smile.

All right, now,
from mobile, Alabama

this lady was born
on the fourth of July.

Our very own yankee doodle dandy

by way of stars and bars--
Miss Heather Pachosky.

Here she is.

Look, at this.

Isn’t she beautiful?

Heather,
light as a feather.

You’ve got to change
your last name, though.

Hi, Dana.

Oh, hello.

I thought writers

did that before openings.

Producers, too, or in my case,
assistants to the producers.

I guess there’s nothing
you can do now, right?

Only hope and pray
things go smoothly.

From Yazoo City, Mississippi,
last year’s miss sweet gum tree.

Here she is, Miss Leeann Rippie.

All right!

Isn’t she gorgeous?

I won this pageant.

I was the first
Miss Dixie belle.

Really?

Figure hasn’t held up, but...

You look great.

Well, thank you.

You’re very sweet.

I couldn’t hold
a candle

to those girls anymore.

That’s why I'm hiding
out here.

Could you imagine--
in those bathing suits?

It’s frightening.

I weighed pounds,
had a -inch waist

and skin like alabaster.

How long have you worked
on the pageant?

Oh, Ted hired me
the day I stepped down as queen.

You know,
this pageant is my life.

I got to go.

Host:
All I can say is
"timber!"

Oh, I won
the bathing-suit competition!

I won!

Oh, thank you,
thank you.

Thank you so much.

Congratulations, Betty Lou!

You did great!

Thank you.

Come on, wouldn’t you
have voted for her, too?

Rita:
In all fairness?

Absolutely.

Ha!

Your body would
get a rise

out of a dead man

but this is
only one event

and we’ve got a long way
to go here tonight.

I know that.

And I will not tolerate
my girls fooling around

with any of the judges.

If they do,
I disqualify them.

Sir...

Don’t play naive
with me!

I wrote the book
on this game.

I know.

I understand.

I was... wrong.

Is there any way
I can make it up to you?

Looks like you lost
your shower buddy.

Rita:
Can he guarantee her
the contest?

He’d have to bribe
the judges.

He’s not doing that.

She could be
his next conquest
if he’s interested.

And he looks
very interested.

Rita:
He just made
his first move.

Miss bathing suit

is playing
the innocent victim

for all it’s worth.

Meyerson:
Why isn’t our table ready?

Dana:
We’re early.

Get us a table now.

What if it isn’t ready?

Get it.

Interesting.

You’re here on business

or on pleasure?

Cheryl and Sonny had
Miss Dixie belle rings.

You have one?

No. This is from another ring.

Why aren’t you wearing it?

My finger swells up sometimes.

From punching helpless women?

Hey! Do you have
a charge to make?

Ted...

Our table’s ready.

Sorry, sergeant.

Give me a club soda.

You playing
the pushy policewoman again?

Slip into Meyerson’s room.

See what kind
of rings he wears.

I’ll keep him occupied.

Rita, I am shocked.

Are you suggesting
that we bend the rules?

That we throw out
our code of conduct

and dance dangerously close
to impropriety?

Yes, I am.

Don’t take anything,
just look.

We don’t want
to taint the evidence.

Oh, I love your style.

"Miss Dixie belle."

You finished so soon?

No more questions.

Rather talk downtown?

I’m going to go relieve myself.

Would you like to join me?

( Door opening )

( Woman squealing )

I told you I'd do
something special
for you.

Oh, I love it.

I love it.

Here, here.
Lick it here.

So good.

Take your time.

Don’t rush it.

I can’t take anymore.

You aren’t going
to stop, are you?

I got to.

It’s all I can do.

I’m a fool
for hot-fudge sundaes.

I read it in your bio.

You called it
your biggest weakness.

Maybe my
second-biggest weakness.

Hang on a second, honey.

I’ve got to do
something now

I won’t want to stop
and do later.

( Knocking )

Who is it?

Rita:
Sergeant Lance.

It’s an emergency.

Hey, hey.

Don’t you ever
give it a rest?

Don’t you?

I thought you were going
to watch him.

Well, apparently
he prefers Betty Lou.

Meyerson:
What’s that?

Uh, someone reported
seeing a man...

Excuse me...
Trying to get into your room.

Well, guess he got away.

( Clearing throat )

Man:
This bruise clearly indicates

the contours
of the assailant’s ring.

Now compare that with this
impression of Meyerson’s ring

that Chris made
in the bar of soap.

Well, that’s

a pretty close match.

Contours match.

So we know
Ted Meyerson’s our hitter.

Yes, but I don’t think
he’s your k*ller.

This bruise was made
by a different ring...

Post-mortem.

Rita:
Somebody beat Cheryl
after she was strangled.

They were trying
to pin it on Ted meyerson.

So we’re still trying to find
the ring that fits the bruise.

It’s a smaller ring
with an emerald-cut stone inset.

Sonny Carlisle wears
the same ring meyerson does.

And what about miss Biggs?

No. No, she’s a contestant.

Contestants don’t get rings.

Wait a minute.

We’re overlooking somebody here.

Rita:
Who?

But she’s so sweet, I...

Dana Barclay.

She’s still miss congeniality

years after she won
the miss Dixie belle contest.

And meyerson

treats her like dirt.

I bet she’s got
some serious anger

under that constant smile.

And she doesn’t wear
a pageant ring.

Maybe there’s a reason why.

When you think you got
the lid on it, it unspools.

The impression of a smaller ring
suggests a woman.

That place is full of women.

Take one at a time.

We’ll start with Dana Barclay.

Go back to the hotel
before you are missed.

I will run this
through the computer

and brief lieutenant Hudson.

Thanks, doc.

Dana.

Mr. Lawton.

I’m wondering

about these pageant rings.

Do I get one?

Yes. When the pageant’s over,
we’ll take your ring size

get your home address,
and send one right to you.

Fabulous.

No, you know, superb.

Now, do you get one, too?

No. Working here is my reward.

I thought that
all the queens got one.

Well, I had one.

I just lost it years ago.

Well, that’s too bad.

I collect rings,
you know, all kinds.

This one here-- blue Zaire.

Dana.

There’s a problem
with the finale.

Ted:
Mr. Lawton, you still
enjoying yourself?

Having a ball, baby.

That’s a nice tie.

Thank you.

I’m going to change.

Ted, we have a problem.

So, uh, fix it.

The evening
competition’s

at : sharp.

Please be backstage at :.

Chris:
Okay, Dana, baby.

Let’s see what you got to hide.

We need a former
queen here

to crown the winner.

There’s got to be somebody.

Marlena is not available.

Why not?

Because she’s married
and five months pregnant.

What about the queen
two years ago?

Saundra Hayes.

We don’t have time
to locate her

and bring her here.

I need a former queen

here tonight.

What about you?

Me?

Oh, I couldn’t.

You’ve got to.

Now, come on, Dana.

I’m in a bind here.

I wouldn’t know what to do.

You’ve already
done it once.

That was a long time ago.

It’s perfect.

You were my first queen.

Come on, you’ve got
to do this for me.

I’ll make sure
you’re protected--

a flowing gown

we’ll stay above
your hips on camera

soft-focus
your close-ups.

Sure. It will be fun.

Kind of like old times.

You know,
we were great lovers, Ted.

Beauty and the beast,
I used to call us.

Do you really find me
so unattractive now?

That’s over, Dana.

You know I was sleeping
with Cheryl.

I knew about
all the other queens

all your conquests...

But I stood by you.

I love you.

I’m not using you
like those other women.

Dana, don’t.

We were the best.

You won’t find
anything better.

( Screams )

Is that all you want?!

Is that all that’s left
in you-- this rage?

No, bitch.

I’m as potent as gangbusters.

I just don’t want

you again, ever.

I was going to can you

after tonight
and replace you with Cheryl

so after the finale,
you’re out of here.

You’re history.

You think I didn’t know
I was out?

You think not having

the same suite next to you
after all these years

was a mystery to me?

Oh, man.

Nothing, nada, nor nicht.

Dana Barclay was
on the computer.

The year Dana won

the miss Dixie belle contest

she filed charges
against meyerson

for sexual as*ault and battery.

Man of old habits.

She drops the charges,
becomes his assistant.

Out-of-court settlement.

The next entry was a year ago

after two decades
of "love me, punch me"

Dana turns the tables
instead of the other cheek.

The police break up a brawl

during which Dana breaks
Ted’s nose.

He’s going to press charges
and decides to let it slide.

Broke his nose, huh?

She must throw
a hell of a punch.

If she could take down
a man Meyerson’s size...

Our queen, Cheryl,
would be grossly over matched.

Dana finds out Ted’s having
an affair with her, flips out.

She decides to make this
one competition Cheryl loses.

Works for me. Where’s Chris?

I’m on my way to him now.

Good work, Rita.

Excuse me.

Mr. Lawton,
can I help you?

Sergeant Lorenzo,
palm beach police department.

I thought you
were an actor.

I need some information.

Dana Barclay leave
any valuables in the safe?

I believe she did.

I’d like to see them.

Well,
that’s impossible.

I can’t open
the hotel safe
for the police

without a search warrant.

What about
the hotel manifest?

I’d like to see the card file
listing everything

she deposited.

I can’t do that
either.

It would make
the hotel liable

for, uh, invasion
of privacy.

You’re right.

That’s the thing to do.

I’ll have my lieutenant
bring down a warrant.

We’ll bring a squad
of officers down

close off the lobby
for four or five hours.

I’m sure your boss
will get some complaints

about the inconvenience.

But that’s

the right thing
to do, right?

Thank you.

Badger, bimms...

Barclay, Barclay.

"One pearl necklace

"gold pageant ring
with emerald-cut stone

deposited on Tuesday."

That’s the morning
after the m*rder.

Thank you.

Ted?

Ted, it’s... it’s Betty Lou.

Ted?

Ted?

Oh, my lord.

Ted?

Don’t try to talk.

I’m going to call
an ambulance.

Oh, my lord.

Who did this to you?

Aren’t you precious?

Dana.

Just leave me alone,
and I won’t say anything.

Leave you alone
like you left me alone

you son of a bitch?!

You all right?

Somebody get the cuffs
on her quickly, please.

Well, this turned out
to be a hell of a contest.

Yeah, and since I'm
the last one standing

I win.

That’s Alfred,
the skinny one.

Don’t get attached
to these things.

You’re setting yourself up
for heartache

when you have to flush them
down the toilet.

Don’t curse my t*nk.

You want to give them
a viking funeral?

Your choice, all right?

Your shoulder
can’t still hurt.

Dana Barclay was a black belt.

So much for the weaker sex.

I’m lucky
to still be alive.

Yeah, well,
so is Ted meyerson.

Couldn’t have happened
to a nicer guy either.

No, it couldn’t.

All right,
let’s put these guys in--

show them their new house.

( Squeals)

Uh-oh.

Oh, look.

Uh-oh.

Look at his... what?

This guy didn’t make it.

Kidding.

I got a fish,
and I will use it.

Now you back up.

Too bad for Betty Lou
you blew your cover

before the judging.

You were the swing vote.

She could have been
Miss Dixie belle.

I know.

Poor Betty Lou.

I know exactly
how she must have felt.

You know exactly
how she’s feeling?

Wait. She lost a beauty contest.

You were in a beauty contest.

I was years old.

It’s no big deal.

You were in a beauty contest.

No, now losing hurts
no matter how old you are.

Give.

You won’t laugh?

I’m your best friend.

I won’t laugh.

So, I was years old,
like I said

and I was in this junior pageant
for this new shopping center

that was opening
in Jupiter, right?

My dress was great.

My mom made it,
and it had sequins all over it

and the shoes,
they were... they were perfect.

Anyway, so...

For the talent part, I, uh...

I twirled a Baton, and, uh...

Everything was going great
until the finale.

I threw the Baton
up in the air.

I was going to catch it
behind my back.

Right.

It landed on the judge’s head.

Knocked his toupee off.

It was the most
humiliating moment.

That’s a bummer.

Lucky for the judge

my mom didn’t let me
light the Baton on fire

like I wanted to.

You said you weren’t going

to laugh.

You promised!

The Baton went
up in the air...!