06x10 - Thy Loving Father

[bunniefuu]

Prostitutes are like livestock. If
you keep all that livestock in one
place, you solve so many problems.

Are you suggesting
that we open a brothel?

WAYNE: It seems the day she did the
runner, she had everything planned
out, except for one curve ball.

CHERYL: Do you believe
those babies are safe?

Better off than with her.

Do you think we can find them?

It's hard to know
where to look, Cher.

OK, everyone can stop right
where they are right now.

BOTH GRUNT
Where are my babies?
I'll k*ll you, bitch.

I want to know what happened to the
twins, and if you tell us, we'll let
you go.

Deal.

GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC

CELLPHONE RINGS

Hey, Van.

You found them yet?
I'm working on it.

What if Sheree was bullshitting?
Maybe she made it up and dumped
them.

I don't think so, Van.

What kind of a stupid name is
Brownlow? Have you ever heard
of anyone called Brownlow?

Van, I've got to go. I'll call you.

No, Wayne. Wayne.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

(SIGHS) f*ck.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

The pigs have got my babies?

She's not a cop; she's a nurse.

(LAUGHS) Oh, this is too good.

Pigs stole my babies, and
you think it's f*cking funny?

Given our family,
there is a certain irony.

We don't know that he stole them.
How else would he get them?

We need to establish that.

It is Sheree. Anything's possible.

Are the babies OK?

Yeah, they seemed fine. It was
a bit hard to tell from a distance.

You didn't check?

It's one step at a time, Van.

Nah, f*ck that.

What we need to do is we go around
there right now and we get 'em.

Come on.

We kind of need to
be somewhere else.

What?

KEYS JANGLE

Oh, f*ck youse. I'll go on my own.

Where do they live?
It's complicated. We need to know
how they got there and if it's them.

Of course it's them.
Give me the address.

You can't rock up and take two kids.
Yes, I can.

You can't. You will get
in the mother of all sh*t.

I'm liking life without
the cops all over us.

They're living with
the f*cking cops!

He should be arrested for
kidnapping or something.

Let me see what I can find out.

He's bent — he's got to be.
Give me the f*cking address!

You can't go around there, Van!

I'm their dad.

sh*t, now he's just gonna get in
his car and go all mental trying
to find them.

Could take him a while.

They're his kids, Loretta.

I will deal with this.

Thank you, Wayne.
Uh, I'll meet you there.

God, you're heartless.

Just busy.
Well, so is Wayne.

(SIGHS) Look, I will deal with Van,
OK? You go and see what you can find
out about the cop.

Best man for the job.

Well, it's got a ton of character.

You mean it's old and shabby.

Nah. A coat of paint and a few
heavy drapes, it'll come up a treat.

In other words,
it'll cost a fortune.

(SIGHS) There's heaps of parking.

It's also zoned residential.
Bullshit.

I checked.

It just...

feels right, you know? This
place has got a... It's got
a romance about it.

(SCOFFS) Oh God.

What?
We're back to the good old days
with dear old Dad, are we?

When tarts had hearts and there was
a knocking shop on every corner.

It worked.
Until zoning shut them down.

Well, I like it.
I think we can do better.

So show me better, then.
I will.

[ Brownlee...

[ Brown...

Brownlow. Except there's
no S Brownlow in here.

(GROWLS) That's cos
he's bent and sneaky.

Maybe he's not listed.

They're your kids, bro, and Mr J has
got no right keeping you from them.

Go and get them before
he turns them into piglets —

CELLPHONE RINGS
wearing little uniforms, bro,
putting people under arrest.

(SIGHS) What?
PASCALLE: Where are you?

Here.

Where's here?
Why?

Van, just tell me where you are.

I'm at Munter's.

Is that true, or are
you just saying that?

(SIGHS) Just piss off, Pascalle.

Don't worry, bro. When you get those
little guys, we'll be sweet, man,
you and me.

Hemi and the twins.

We could all hang together.

Taken as read, brother.

Van, do you think you'll
end up with the kids?

'Course he will, babe.
They're his tamariki.
Yeah.

I've got the house, all the stuff...
Bro, we could teach them to play
pool and go fishing.

Show those little suckers
how to smoke a kahawai.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

No smoke and dr*gs, though, eh?

Nah, nah, not till later.

As Mr Marley is your uncle,
we've got ourselves a whanau.

(GIGGLES) Yeah.

INDISTINCT SPORTS COMMENTARY

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Wayne Judd?
Yeah, Steve. How's it going?

You were with, uh,
CIB a few years back.

Yeah.

I transferred in from Counties
Manukau — lifestyle. We like
it around here.

So, how can I help you?

It's kind of a private matter...

OK.

...about your kids.

What about them?

I know their father
and their mother.

I'm their father. Judy's their
mother. We have been for seven
months.

We've got the paperwork.

You adopted them?
'Course we did.

Well, it's just... I'd like
to know how that came about.

This is bullshit.
I'm not blaming you, Steve.

There are some things that
don't quite stack up.

It's fully commercial, the lease
won't cr*pple us, and it's available
now.

Nah, it's got all the
charm of an abattoir.

Well, don't you want
to see the rest of it?

No, I don't, Loretta. It's sh*t.

Hello?!

Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Got tied up — as you do.

Well, come on, you two, what are we
waiting for? Let's get this show on
the road.

Oh, no. Not liking
the feng shui at all.
We'll fix it up.

(CHUCKLES) You're
dreaming, sweetheart.

Excuse me?

Atmosphere, my love. Show me the
atmosphere. Show me the soul.

If you want soul, don't you
think you're in the wrong job?

I've been in this business since you
were learning to tie your shoelaces.

I know what men are after, and
it certainly ain't this dump.
I'll tell the girls it's a no.

You ambushed me.
I asked her opinion.

I thought we were
doing this together.

The girls need to be happy.

You're just trying
to get it your way.

And you're not?
But you're wrong.

You are.

All right, fine. Find something
better, at the price.

Fine. I will.

Is Van here? He said he was.

They're in with Hemi.

(SNIFFS) I've got a cold,
so I'm infectious and excluded,
like I will be probably forever.

OK.
Van's on about having
the kids full-time.

Well, he hasn't got them yet.

I'm not saying anything bad about
Van. I mean, he is their dad and
everything.

But honestly, how's he going
to cope? And I'll probably end up
never seeing Munter and Hemi again.

(LAUGHS) Babies fart good,
eh? Little rippers.

Yeah, farting competitions, eh?

HEMI FUSSES

Oh, you.
Van, we have to go. I'll drive you.

Nah, I've got my car.
You've been drinking.

He's had two beers.

I'm not going anywhere
with you, all right?

Wayne's got news about the babies.

You met him? The bent cop bastard?
Yeah.

You tell him we're coming around?

No.

He stole my kids, man.
He's not getting away with it.

He didn't steal them, Van.

We got them through this
woman my wife knew — Delia.

They used to work together at,
uh, Middlemore. Delia was a,
uh, midwife.

And she knew this
kid who'd had twins.

Sheree's not a kid.

This is what they were told.
Well, it's bullshit, man.

Do you want to hear it, or not?

This, uh... This girl, name of
Rewia — she'd had them under
a house.

She went to Delia — she knew her
somehow — and wanted them adopted.
Matua whangai.

Matua what?

It's a family adoption.

I'm their family.
It's Maori, Van.

Sheree's not Maori.

She's not anything.
Except a bitch.

They're not Maori kids.

The kids were registered under
the girl's name, and they've
gone through CYFs.

Did you tell him it's not true?

Yep.
And what did he say?

Always had this feeling that,
uh, something was a bit weird
about it all.

I mean, I knew Delia had had
her problems with dr*gs...

We were desperate.

We wanted them so much.

He cried?
Yeah, he's pretty upset.

Oh, cops don't cry.

He's an OK guy, Van, and
they've got the paperwork.

Oh, so you like him more now
that he's brown as well as a pig?

He's not brown; she is.

And I'm just saying it's complica—

You fellas always stick together,
don't you? It's, uh, pig-ism.

[ Uh, racism.

I'm just trying to stop you
from doing something stupid, Van.

Oh, I'm stupid now, am I?

No, Van. I'm just—

f*ck you, Wayne.

What kind of name is Wayne,
anyway? It's not a Maori name.

It's a stupid name for a stupid d*ck
who's not helping with anything.

sh*t.
I'll go after him.

No, I don't think that's
gonna help at all.

It's a bit quiet without
Grandpa upstairs.

Toilet's less toxic.

Did you just let him get
kicked out in the cold?

He's hardly in the Siberian wastes.

Though I guess Ngaire's
is a close second.

If you can live with that.

Are you trying to tell me off?

No, I just thought
you of all people—

Go and lobby someone else, Jethro.
We have bigger sh*t to worry about.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

The missing babies have been found.

Demon spawn of Sheree.

What?

Where?
Right here in
West Auckland, somewhere.

Jesus.

(SIGHS) When did this happen?

Today, thanks to Wayne.

[ Van, naturally, is
totally spinning out.

What does he care?

Because he is their father —
at least in his head.

No, not Van. Judd.

Right, of course. Your stepfather
complex. And your concern for Van
is really touching (!)

What's happening with the twins?
Pascalle and Wayne are all over it.

f*ck Wayne. We should handle it.
We?

Us — family. Not an outsider.

Do you want to play Daddy, Jethro?
No, Loretta—

And just so I'm clear — is this
because Wayne is in Mummy's bed,

or is it about Grandpa, or is it
because you actually give a sh*t
about those fatherless babies?

f*ck you, Loretta.
Well, don't try to play Daddy with
me, because it doesn't wash at all.

CAR DOOR CLOSES ]

What are you doing?

I'm coming in.

You're on his side.

There is no side, Van.

(SIGHS) Man, this is f*cked.

Oh.

Two little babies, and they're with
strangers — Maori pig strangers.

Well, does it matter? You know,
as long as someone's looking
after them.

You want them to keep my kids?

No, that's not what I'm saying.

That's what it sounded like.

I'm not saying that,
and neither is Wayne, OK?

I know how much you want this, Van.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

(SIGHS IRRITATEDLY)

CAR ALARM BEEPS

Just heard.

How are you doing, bro?
(SIGHS) What do you care, cock?

(SIGHS) When do you
get to meet the twins?

It's complicated, Jethro.

(SIGHS) Is there anything I can do?
No.

OK. Tell me about it.

There's nothing I can do, and it's
all bad, and there's nothing anyone
can do, apparently.

No, it's taken care of, Jethro, OK?
Wayne's all over it.

Weren't you just leaving?

INCREDULOUSLY: Jethro
wanted to help?

I told him where to go, though.
And did he go?

No.
Christ. It's tricky enough as it is.

Well, when I talked to Jethro, he—

You're the one who told him?

He was gonna find out eventually.
(SIGHS) And I guess he does have
a vested interest.

He is their uncle.

No. Jethro has a vested interest...

because he rooted Sheree.

Jethro rooted Sheree?

(SCOFFS) No.

Yeah, apparently.

f*ck. When?

Ages ago.

You know this for a fact, Loretta?

She thought that he was Van.
It's happened before.

Unbelievable.

That ho-bag has slept
with the whole family.

Hasn't slept with me.

Dad, Jethro, Van. It's just...

sick, and so... sick.

How long ago is ages ago?

Oh, f*ck.

f*ckity f*ck, f*ck.

It kind of makes the demon spawn
a double-demon if they are Jethro's.

Don't say that. They're
just innocent little babies.

I guess it's all the same gene pool.

Does Van know?

Well, do you think he'd be so
busy staking his claim if he did?

Well, we can't tell him.
It'll just break his heart.

I wasn't planning to.

Where are you going?

Have a word with Jethro.

Excellent.

Come on in. Look who's here.

Hi, Wayne. Glass of wine?

Nah, thanks.

So, what's up?
This business with Van.

The Brownlows?

Um, Stephen and Judith.

It's amazing what you can
find out about people, eh?

You'd do better to stay out of it.

What? You just want to drop it?

It's messy. ]

It'll probably end up in
family court and criminal.

I'm sorry?

The adoption is clearly
illegal, based on fraud.

And Constable Stephen Brownlow is
yet another example of corruption
in West Auckland police. Good fun.

Think it's fun?
It's a gift.

It's people's lives.

'Bent cop steals West babies'. We
get that out there before Cheryl's
trial, in the minds of the jury —

it's great for her case.

You got a problem with that, Wayne?

Helping Mum?

I've got a problem with dragging
Van through the courts.

Well, Van wants this.

With the media all over him? And,
Christ, these two little kids here.

It's really none of
your business, OK?

Van... Van has asked me to
take care of his interests.

Oh, and you're doing it
cos you care about Van (?)

Yes.

And what happens when we get to the
paternity test? Cos there will be
one.

I'm curious myself as to whether
identical twins have identical DNA.

I'll see myself out.

EXCITED MOANING ON TV

(MOANS)

MOANING ON TV CONTINUES

Oh, jeez! Oh, ruin the
atmosphere, why don't you?

Eric, you're—

Ew!

Ew!

Eric, I can't have this
in my house any more, man.

Eh?

With the babies.

But you haven't got the babies.

Yeah, but I will.

They don't have to watch.

Look, there's not gonna
be room for you, Eric.

What do you mean? We've got plenty
of room. There's a whole spare room.

No, but when they get bigger,

they'll need a room each.

Yeah, yeah, but that's not
for a while. (CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna be a dad, Eric, and
that means I've got to set an
example, and you...

You're not an example.

You're throwing me out? Jesus,
talk about kicking a joker when
he's down.

I'm not changing my mind, Eric, so—
Don't look at me like that.

But I like babies.

Eric.

Hey.

Eric, can you piss off?

Oh, isn't that always the way?

'Come in Eric. Pay the rent, Eric.
Piss off, Eric.' I'm going to my
room, while I've still got one.

What do you want?

Van, I don't think you're stupid.
Doesn't matter.

I get how you feel.

I thought it would be better if we
knew the facts first, and now we do.

Jethro's on it now.

Do you want to meet your kids?

Well, of course.

Then we do it.

Who's we?

You and me. Or on
your own, if you want.

What about Jethro?

Steve and Judy have been dealt a
sh*t hand, just like you, by Sheree.

I just thought we could sort this
without the damage. But you're
their dad. It's up to you.

I get the twin thing, but
this is beyond out there.

Well, it's not my
fault we're identical.

And she truly thought you were Van?

I wouldn't have.

(SCOFFS) Believe me, Sheree didn't
care. She was out of it and up for
it.

Look, I never liked her, OK?
I hated the bitch.

That won't go down well in court.

Well, do you want me to lie?

No, of course not.

f*cking Judd.

And f*cking Loretta.
She must have told him.

So what are you gonna do about that?

Smack her.

But he's the one you want out, and
she is still your sister. You need
to work out a way to get her onside.

It's Loretta. It's not that easy.

Everyone has wants and needs.

So, what did you do with
this Sheree that was so hot?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, she wasn't hot.

Well, she was a bad and
twisted woman, that's for sure.

Was she as bad as me?

She was way less hot...

and nowhere near as bad.

Well, I'm taking it
that's a good thing.

Oh, yeah.

Are you sure it's a good
idea he meet them so soon?

It's the best idea I've got.

And Steve understands
this could go way ugly.

You talked to him?
Yeah.

I feel sorry for him and Van.

Do you wanna come along?

Well, I am really good at dealing
with Van when he goes off.

Except sometimes you have to hit
him or throw something at him,

which might not be so good
in front of the parents, eh?

Nah, probably not.

This their house?
Yep.

Doesn't look like a Maori house.

Well, how is it meant to look?

I don't know, cars on the lawn...

You remember what I said, right?

Nah.

Try not to be too r*cist, and
try not to say 'f*ck' too much.

I'm not a f*cking r*cist. I know
all about Turangi-wae... wae.

f*ck, Van.

What?

(CHUCKLES) Hi.

So, uh, I suppose you'd
like to meet the twins.

Yeah.

This is my wife, Judy.
Hi.

And this is Hailey and Eddie.

BABIES FUSS

Look at you.

They are so gorgeous.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

DAVID YETTON'S
'THAT BUMP HAS FALLEN OFF'

♪ You know that bump.

♪ It's fallen off.

♪ You know my heart

♪ just did a flop. ♪

How are you guys doing?

Oh, bro, she's a cutie, man.

Yeah. How's the name, bro? Hailey.

How spooky is that?

You gotta rethink the thing you have
for Hayley Westenra, cos you don't
wanna mix them up.

Nah, bro, big Hayley's got nothing
on little Hailey. Hey, hey, Eddie.
How cool is that, man?

Eddie Van Halen? Whoo-hoo!

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

Yeah, man, I was worried they
were gonna have Maori names, eh?

Why?
Oh, cos their mum's a Maori.

Oh. What about the cop?

Well, nah, he's white, but...
He's OK, but... (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) But, bro,
he's not even a proper pig.

Mm?

The grass-roots stuff. It's not
glam, but it suits me... until some
clown goes and torches your car.

Yeah, I read about that
in the paper. Bad luck.

Yeah, there are some
real idiots out there, eh?

Mm.

That was his car?
Yeah.

BOTH LAUGH

Classic, bro.

Nah, but I feel stink, man.

Yeah, but he's a pig, man.
Even if he's not a real pig.

Yeah, but he's good with
the twins, though, you know?

Yeah.

So, when are we gonna hang out, man?

Oh, we didn't really
talk about that, eh?

How come?
Oh, do it next time.

They're your tamariki, bro.

Yeah, I know.

Well, am I in yet?

It's a work in progress, Grandpa.

Piece of weasel piss
throwing his weight around.

Still, I've had an idea.
Yeah?

We'll get one of Falani's nephews
to take him out. It won't cost much.

You want to take out
a contract on Judd?

One less porker. Who's gonna care?

OK, Grandpa. I think you're
going a little bit too far.

That bastard's thrown
me out of my own home.

[ I know.
Hard at it, Ted?
Too right.

You wouldn't be thinking of
coming to work any time soon?

[ I've got bigger fish to fry.

I don't pay you to sit
around on your butt.
I'm busy.

I'm sure, but if you don't file
any tips, I'll cut you in the
arse — %.

I'm an investor.
I got a business to run.

All right, get your hand off it.

See ya.
God, he pushes it.

He is who he is.

Hey, how's the, uh,
brothel business going?

It's a f*cking nightmare,
since you ask.

Oh, is Loretta not playing nice?

We have slightly different
views on premises.

You still haven't found a place?

No, no, not yet.
(SIGHS)

Hold on.

Maybe I can help.

You don't do real estate.

Well, tell me what you're after.

So, how are we, Mrs Peters?

Do not ever call me that.

Any progress on the premises?

No. I'm too busy with useless Tools.

Well, I have a proposition for you.

A place. Somewhere
I think you might like.

Please not another
tribute to dear old Dad.

Ex-industrial, great location,

the right zoning, plenty of parking,
and, um, and it's a cheap lease.

Hayden, if there's something you're
not telling me, you may as well get
it over with, because I'll find ou.

OK, Jethro came up with it.
Forget it.

There's nothing in it for him.
There always is. And what does
he know about real estate?

Here we go.
You'd trust a little
sh*t who rooted Sheree?

Just come and have a look at it, OK?

Hmm, now this looks interesting.

If you like large red sheds.

Keeping an open mind now.

Thank you, sir.

(CHUCKLES)

So tell me, does this
place not have potential?

It is speaking to me.

(SIGHS)

Well?

At least it doesn't
have a ton of character.

Whoa, high praise (!)

Don't get too excited.

This place has so many rooms.
My, didn't you do well?

Think this could work?
(CHUCKLES) Honey, I'm getting quite
hard at the thought of working here.

Should we do it?

We'll see.

For f*ck's sake, Loretta.

You like the place. I know you do.
Why can't you come out and say it?

What makes you think that?

You'd have to be insane not to.

Go give your daughter a bath.

(SIGHS)

Your mother is beyond impossible.

Thank you, Uncle Van.

(GROWLS PLAYFULLY)

JANE BABBLES

I'll be doing that soon — taking
Hailey and Eddie for a bath.

And then what, Van?

Well, you know, dry them off,
put them in their jamies.

No, I mean in real life.

How do you plan to wrangle
two kids and a full-time job?

(LAUGHS) Well, I'll stop work.

Brilliant, that'll pay the mortgage
and keep them in nappies (!)

Hey, take it easy.

Am I the only one who's seeing
the blatantly obvious here?

You're the only one being horrible.

If we're going to have to put up
with more sprogs in the family,
can we at least get real about it?

I am getting real.

All right? I can't be three people
at once, can I? I can't be me and
a mum and a dad and a Tool.

CELLPHONE RINGS
Actually, that's four people.

Van, that's exactly my point —
you can't do it all.

Steve, gidday.

Oh, sh*t.

Uh, sure. I'll see what I can do.

Yeah, nah, nah, nah.
(CLEARS THROAT) Stay in touch.

Yep.

What's wrong? Are the babies OK?

No, they're fine. He's just
got off the phone to Bailey.

What was she ringing him for?

Well, she's threatening
to take him to the cops.

But Steve is the cops.

Bailey thinks that Steve
and Judy knew all about it. ]

Yeah, but they didn't.

This is Jethro's version of helping.

(SIGHS) No f*cking way.

You want me to talk to him?
No.

Go, Van.

Who do you think you are,
ringing them and making threats?

They broke the law, Van.

It's got nothing to do with you.

With all due respect, it has.

You wanted our help.

Just leave them alone.
OK, Steve is an OK guy.

I feel bad enough for pissing in his
car, even though I didn't torch it.

What, that was Brownlow's car?

So they're nice people.

But how else are you
gonna get your kids back?

Well, w-w-w-we'll
have a talk, I guess.

Van, what they did was wrong
and it needs to be exposed, OK?

Now, if this ends up getting
publicity, it could be a help
to Mum. How?

It's what she'd want, Van.
To help her case.

You don't know nothing, all right,
so you stay out of it.

OK, fine. Whatever.
Whatever?

Yes.

If this is what Van wants and
needs, then we go with that.

Yeah, it is what I want, and
I don't need your help, OK?

My business, my kids, so you
stay out of it — both of youse.

Sure. We get that.

Good.

Yeah, I told them to f*ck off,
you know. All the way off.

Oh, good on you, Van.
Oh yeah, I was mean as, bro.

Yeah, and then I went to
the Rusty and I had a beer,

and I called the Brownlows
and I told him it's all cool.

Good.
Mm, yeah.

I'm going to see them tomorrow.

To do what?
Talk about sh*t.

Oh yeah. Sounds like a plan.

Mm-hm.

How's it going down there?

Oh, same old.

How are things with you, love?

Oh, we're all fine.
Behaving ourselves.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I believe that (!)
So, come on, what's new?

You're asking me? Come on,
you must be thrilled, Granny.

What are you talking about?
Oh sh*t, no, not Pascalle?

No, Mum, Van.

He found the twins.
What?

Yeah, hasn't Wayne been
in touch about that?

N-No, he bloody hasn't.

What the f*ck is going on?

I didn't want to worry you to—

They are my grandchildren.
What were you thinking?

It's complicated, Cheryl.

Bullshit. Just get them back.

We're doing our best,
and you're not here.

What, you think I don't
f*cking know that?

Anyway, Van's on to it.

Van? Oh, sweet Jesus.

Is he—? Is he there?

No, he just left, but Pascalle's
here. Would you like a word?

Just get the babies back.

Hi, Mum.
Van can't handle this on his own.
Have you lost the plot?

No, and actually,
he's been quite awesome.

Pascalle, you will go and get those
children back yourself if you have
to, OK?

Yes, Mum.

Just bloody do it.

BOTH: Hi.

Just got this, eh.

Did you see the Brownlows?

Uh, yep.

Did you talk to them?

Uh, they were a bit busy, eh, but I
did help give Hailey and Eddie their
breakfast, and I got puked on too.

Look, it's real baby puke.

(LAUGHS)

And Judy — she does these,
like, awesome, like, singing
and clapping games with them.

It's real hard to sing and
clap at the same time, eh.

Hey, Van, you know that whatever
happens for you, I am there for you?
Yep.

And it just so happens I am
really the best with babies.
Uh-huh.

Well, Mum's also quite good,
but she's not here at the moment,

so, you know, whatever I can do, eh?

Right, well, you can carry that.

OK.

Why is everyone encouraging him
when we all know that he won't cope?

If, by some miracle, Van gets the
sprogs, he will stop work and end
up on the DPB.

Or he'll lose his house. Then
he'll have to move back in here.

Or you could help out.

(SCOFFS) You know
I don't like babies.

You're quite good at
some things, though.

Like what?

Like finessing people.

And lying.

Gosh, Wayne, why
all the compliments?

DOOR OPENS ]

What's this?

It's a pie.

Ooh, potato top. Chur.

You're being nice.
No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. I'm not at work and
you haven't gone off your nut.

Well, I get why you're not at work.

DOOR CLOSES

Giddy, Loretta.

He tell you I'm looking for a home?

You'll find a nice damp
stone somewhere, Eric. Bye.

I'm getting all, like,
sorted for the twins.

Yep, that's great, Van.

But there's actually something I was
hoping you might be able to help me
with.

I'm pretty busy.

You know Hayden and
I are starting a brothel?
Yep.

Well, it is going to have staffing
implications. So I was wondering—

Don't look at me like that.

I'm not looking at
you like anything.

Like I'm gay.
What?

I'm not gonna work at some gay
brothel, not even if you pay me.

Van, I'm not asking you to.

Ugh!

The thing is, Van,
I'm gonna be flat out.

Doing what?

Running the business.

OK, as long as you're not thinking
about going on the game again—

Van, I will be busy with management,
so the Tool Guys—

You can't just ditch the
Tools for a bunch of hos.

I'm offering you a job!
As what?

Managing the Tool Guys.
I'd train you up.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHS) Yeah, good one.

(SIGHS)

No. Oh God, no way.

You're the one who wanted more
involvement and responsibility.

Well, yeah, but—
So this is me...
respecting your wishes.

Well, is that, like—? Is that
the same thing as respecting me?

Do I have to ask Aaron or the Gooch?

No, it's my company.

Which is why I'm asking you,
but if you don't want to do it...

I need a bit of time,

you know, with the
twins and everything.

Fine, fine.

You have until the
close of business.

Well, no, I'll tell you tomorrow.
Why?

Well, Tool Guys are - .
We don't close.

Hey!

That was management thinking.

So if I got Hailey and Eddie,...

that'd be sweet, but I wouldn't
have any time to be running the
Tool Guys.

But if I'm not running the
Tool Guys, then that just
leaves Aaron and the Gooch.

That's when you get a power vacuum.

Is that like a real vacuum?

It's when a skinny ginga steps up
and starts to take control.

Oh, that's got to suck.

But if Aaron's running things,
then who's doing the work?

The Gooch.

So it won't be Tool Guys any more.
It'll just be Tool Guy.
That's not good.

Nah, cos who does all the work?
A-A-And what happens to the cream?

I don't know, bro.
I'm not management material.

I know, but it's our company.

Well, this is up to you, bro.

What about Hailey and Eddie? I can't
be in two places at the same time.

Ain't no one I know capable of that.

(GROAN FRUSTRATEDLY)
It all comes back to me, man.

It's so hard. It— Oh God, then
there's this other real hard
thing, bro.

Wait, I got the emergency crisis
kit for emergency thinking.

Just whipped them up. I'm on afghans
next, with the tricky icing. Here
you are.

So what's the other hard thing?
HEMI CRIES

Oh. (SIGHS)

HEMI CRIES
I've got to talk to Steve and
Judy about taking the twins.

There's not going to be
any courts or bullshit.

I mean, I just think of, like,
a good way to say that I'm taking
them.

Nah, there isn't one.

I've gotta do it.

If someone came to my place and said
they were taking Hemi, it'd just rip
my world apart, bro.

POIGNANT MUSIC

[ DOOR OPENS

I'm confused.
About what?

The sideline in party dr*gs I got.

Women's knickers — creepy, but it
fitted with your mother fixation.
But now you're into real estate.

Not directly. ]

If this is your way of
getting Grandpa back in—

Nope.

So what's the catch?

Well, I just can't wait to see you
as a... (CHUCKLES) madam. (LAUGHS)

The twisty bit, Jethro. The bit
that's going to make me really
hate you at some point.

There is no twisty bit, OK?
In fact, it's all in your favour.

How's that?

Well, the place has been empty for
months, the owners are desperate —

You get a cheap rent and free rein
to do what you want. It's win-win.

You don't do win-win.

OK, you think I'm a sh*t.

Yeah, and I'm not the only
one thinking that right now.

We've had our differences, fine, but
the bottom line is family is family.

You, Hayden, Jane —
you're all family.

And now Mum's not here,
you wanna call the sh*ts.

No. ]
I am not bowing and
scraping to you, Jethro.

I'm not asking you to.

BOTH SIGH

OK. I get to help you guys out,

and I look good with the owners.

(SCOFFS) So there is
something in it for you.

Well, I'm not a saint.
We both know that.

Everyone stop eating!
We just started.

Nah, I've got some
stuff I need to say.
OK.

Mm, firstly, uh, I went
to see Steve and Judy

to just sort sh*t and... and,
you know, tell them what's what.

And...

I'm gonna be having the twins
sometimes and getting them on
the weekends sometimes.

That is so great.

Yeah, it is awesome. And
I promised Steve and Judy...

And there is no way that I'll be
taking the babies to the Rusty.

Mm-mm. Or getting pissed or off
my face — not when I've got them.
(CHUCKLES)

And I'm gonna get them, like,
proper car seats and everything.

Oh, they'll find that comforting.

Yes, so I'll be like their other
dad, but still be their real dad.

A-And that is the
best thing all round,

right, because you need
me as much as the twins.

Eh?

Yes, I do.

Then I accept.

Accept what?

My new job as the
boss of the Tool Guys.

Uh, well, trainee boss.

Mm-hm.
Good sh*t, Van.

Yeah.

Yep.

Can we eat now?
Yep.

Hey, here's to Van, right — to
fatherhood. Good sh*t all round.

Go, Van.
Yay.

Hey.

Could you make it quick?
I've got to be somewhere.

I wanted you to know Van's sorted
things with the Brownlows. He's
done a good job.

Oh, good for him.
I thought so. By the way, you drop
me in the sh*t again with Cheryl,

and I will kick your arse
from here to next week.

Is that meant to be a thr*at, Wayne?

I do my best for this family.

(LAUGHS)

'This family'.

What, you mean your family?

See, last time I checked,
you didn't have one, mate.

f*ck you, Jethro.

(SCOFFS) No, no, see, you
are not part of our family.

You never have been.

And the sooner you realise that,
the better it'll be for everyone.

OK?

I don't take instructions from
self-serving little shits like you.

OK.

So we're clear on
where we stand, then.

Yeah.

Very very clear.

OMINOUS MUSIC

And just here and here.

Are you all signed up?

Yes.

For our sins.

That being the operative word.

Better have a toast then, eh?

And what are we drinking to?
Peace in our time (?)

To wants and needs.

And f*cking. (LAUGHS)

I'll drink to that.

Knock 'em dead, guys.

Sure.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No,
I'm all good. Hunky-dory.

Well, as long as you're
happy with it, love.
Yeah, I am.

And they're real cool parents, Mum.
Yeah, and, you know, babies — they
need a mum.

And... Well, I don't have anyone
to be their mum, you know, so.

I wish I could be there.

Well, you'll be back, and
you can be their granny.

Send me some photos?

Yeah, for sure, for sure. And, hey,
don't worry about Steve being a cop
and that, b...

Well, not that you would, eh, cos
you rooted Wayne when he was a cop.

Van, I don't care what he is, as
long as he loves those kids to bits.

Oh yeah. Yeah, no, no, no, no, look,
Mum, it's all good. It's all good.
It was a total mess, but... w...

I got it all sorted.

So you don't worry, OK?

Good on you, sweetheart.

(LAUGHS)

Where'd you go?

Just out.

What?

You were really really amazing, how
you handled all of this. And Van.

Maybe I'm just getting used
to the ways of the Wests.

(LAUGHS)

You would have made a brilliant dad.

The best.

Thanks.

CORK SQUEAKS, WHISKY POURS

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

Off to bed?

Yep.

You?

Yeah, soon.

OK, well, nighty-night.

Night, Pascalle.

Bags the bathroom first.

HELLO SAILOR'S
'GUTTER BLACK' PLAYS

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.' ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES