Oh, I just love all this!
Love it, love it so!
Oh, I just want it, want it,
want it all, darling!
I'm going to have to have
the kitchen redone
while Saffy's away.
Eddy, who is this?
What? Darling,
I'm giving it to John's family
as a wedding present.
John? Have you got a John?
Darling, the tall, black man
that's marrying Saffy.
Oh, the tall one! Marrying
the little hairy hobbit.
Darling, remember I can't go
to the wedding 'cause
I've got too much on.
Well, take
something off, then!
Work-wise! Work-wise!
Mum, I'm ready,
we'd better be off.
Oh, look at her!
Little walking one-man band,
aren't you, darling?
Oh, I can't believe my little
girl all grown up and off
to Africa to get married!
I'm not exactly
young any more.
No, darling, what I meant was,
I can't believe he's
actually going to marry you!
That's what I meant.
I'm sorry.
Mum, are you ready?
We'd better be going.
You're not coming, are you?
Oh, darling, you didn't
want me to come, did you?
SAFFY: Yes!
Oh, it's just, you know...
I'm chocca with work,
aren't I?
(SHE SQUEAKS)
No, darling, I've got
Emma Bunton and Queen Noor
and Lulu up to here, I have!
Lulu up to 'ere?
Has she grown?
Shut up!
Anyway I can't go
'cause Patsy's sick,
aren't you?
Well, that's not news!
Actually, I am
feeling rather unwell.
Are you? She is! You are sick?
See, I can't go, she actually
is sick now, darling!
Anyway, I've given
my ticket to the goat,
so I can't really, sweetie.
Never mind, darling.
Off you go.
Mwah!
You'll look after yourself,
won't you?
(BLEATING)
Yes, I will try!
No, I was talking to Lola.
Her name is Jane!
Oh, Jane!
(BLEATING) Hello, Jane!
Have you had
all your injections?
Yes.
No, I was talking to the goat
that time, actually, darling.
(BLEATING) Oh, yes, I have!
She says she has, Eddy.
John's family are going to
like the goat, aren't they?
Yes, Mum,
it's the perfect present.
If they don't like it,
they can milk it dry
and send it back as Ugg boots.
I'd quite like that, actually.
All right, off you go.
How long will you be gone?
Mmm, only a couple of weeks.
That'll give me time
to redo the kitchen.
No, Mum!
Please don't change the
house again while I'm gone!
Oh, but why?
I'd just like Jane
to recognise things
when she comes home.
(MOCKING VOICE)
Oh, all right, I won't!
Promise?
Yeah, darling, I pomise!
I pomise, pomise,
pomise, pomise!
Of you go! Off!
# I'm a one-man band!
# Bong! Bong! Bong! Bung!
Boom! Boom!
# I'm a one-man band!
La la la #
Great!
They're gone, sweetheart!
Come on, we can party!
Yeah, party, Eddy, wooh!
Let's get some music on!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
How long is it
since we last...
Ed, darling...
Eddy, a second.
Darling, can you just
come over. What's that?
What's that there?
-Oh, that's horrible!
-What? What is it?
I don't think it should be
there! Get it seen to.
But not now, because
we're going to party! Party!
Party! We'll get
the house down, sweetie!
Pats! Come on!
Pats!
Hello, darling.
Oh, hello, Eddy.
Hello, sweetie, mwah.
Did you have the operation?
It's only half-done,
you see, I mean...
They couldn't complete it
until you re-swiped
your credit card.
A sort of pay-as-you-go thing.
Darling, can we go back
next week and do that,
'cause we've got a lot on.
Yeah, they can
tidy me up then.
Eddy, what happened
to your... What... Where...
I got someone in to do it,
darling. I've made
a bad mistake!
Who?
Bettina and Max.
How are we doing?
There's still
too much in here.
I want
that out of here!
We can't get it out.
-Jesus!
-Steady!
I have to start
with white box.
It is white box.
Um...
What do we think
over here?
Do we need anything more?
Well, a little, I think.
For the client.
I want that out!
-We can't get it out!
-Why?
Because you've
taken out the stairs!
(EDINA YELLS)
Hello.
Hello.
I don't want her here!
In here with all that fatness
blobbing around, Max.
It's too fast.
I'm fighting for air!
How are we doing?
Shh!
Is she all right?
-She's, um, feeling it.
-Oh.
Genius.
-So what's the
inspiration here?
-Holocaust.
Don't you like it?
No, I love it. I love it.
I think it's lovely.
I just, um...
I was thinking...
Perhaps it's a little...
Something a little warmer.
Max, turn on the pebbles.
Cosy enough for you?
So you and Bettina
are divorced now,
aren't you?
-Oh, yes.
-Yeah. Yeah.
Well, if you ever want to
take up where we left off...
-We can go upstairs now,
if you want to.
-Um... I'm...
I'm gay now.
You were the last
woman he went with!
Boy, you sure know
how to turn 'em!
Stop it!
Didn't you have a little child
or baby or something?
What was it?
Yes. Um, Allegra.
She put herself into...
Boarding school!
At boarding school.
...care.
She developed totally
reasonable hatred for us
-and is living
with a foster family.
-Oh, lovely.
I'm much happier now.
We can always adopt
another one later.
No, we're divorced!
On what grounds?
Jesus Christ!
Oh, yes, that's right.
You brought something
into the box, didn't you, Max?
Don't do this!
-And something fat!
-We're just going to click
your medication. Come on.
Fat! Fat! Fat! Into the box!
(INTERMITTENT CLICKING)
No, he wasn't fat, actually!
He was a little plump.
Into the box!
There we are. There we go.
Violation of the box
by fat, fat, fa...
There we are!
Fat! Faffff...
There. That's it.
That's it. Just...
There we are.
I don't think you're ready
to do houses, Bettina.
Right, how are we
going to get you out?
There we are!
Right. There you go.
So he had to take
her back to Broadmoor.
I mean, she was only
on day release anyway.
What's she in for?
Stabbing Kelly Hoppen
with a glass shard
at the Design Awards.
Who usually decorates
the house, Eddy?
What? Kunz.
I don't want Kunz to do it,
I want something new.
I've had a vision!
I want something different.
Well darling, just call
someone up, then we can
go out and get a proper drink.
You might want to change
before we go out, that's
whiffing a bit now, that.
And you might want to
remove yourself from
that tweedy old skin.
This is vintage.
I don't think so!
Pats, tell her
this is vintage!
Actually, Eddy, I think
you'll find it's just old.
Oh, God!
SAFFY: Mum!
sh*t!
sh*t, what's she
doing back early?
She shouldn't be back yet!
Oh, Christ, the kitchen!
Finish it! Finish it!
Come on! Do something!
Pats, do something!
Paint! Paint pot! Paint!
-Just say it is finished!
-(BUBBLE SCREAMS)
(BUBBLE'S SCREAMS CONTINUE)
Hello, darling!
Hello, sweetheart!
Mum, what have you done?
You promised you
wouldn't do this!
No, I didn't promise,
actually, darling,
I said "pomise" and I had
my fingers crossed
behind my back.
Anyway, do you like it,
sweetheart?
It's not finished!
-It is!
-EDINA: It is!
Yeah, it is, darling.
No one's got
a kitchen any more.
It's all clinic now, darling.
Clinic, not kitchen.
It's the perfect reduction in
which you can reduce a juice.
Re-duss a juss, re-do a Jew...
I don't want to
reduce a juice.
I just want to make
a cup of tea.
I'm just off the plane.
I'm tired!
We're all tired, darling!
We're all bloody tired.
It's not like I
haven't made an effort...
Oh, did the goat get there?
Yes! Mum, Jane will be awake
in a minute and
I need to feed her!
Is she still titting her?
Darling, Pats says,
"Are you still titting her?"
-No!
-She says, "no", she's not.
I'm going to get dressed.
Oh... Where's John?
-Um... He's um...
-What?
You did get married,
didn't you, darling?
You did get a little
bit of that and then a little
bit of that, didn't you?
Did you? He didn't marry
the goat instead, did he?
Quite hard to tell them apart!
Yeah! At least he
could've milked the goat!
Quite big tits, actually.
Yeah, she gets those from me,
don't you, darling?
So... Sweetheart... What...
-Mum...
-Mmm?
John...
Oh, Christ!
Oh, I can whiff it
from here, darling.
He didn't want to marry you,
did he, sweetheart?
Oh, god, I always said you'd
end up a little pram-face,
didn't I, you?
Mmm?
Yes, we are married!
So...
Sweetheart, what? Darling,
tell Mama. Tell Mama, what?
Darling? Tell Mama!
-He's...
-What? What? What?
-BO: Hi, hi, hi!
-sh*t!
BO: Hello!
We're home!
And everybody's here.
It's so cosy!
Praise Jesus!
Keep your voice down!
We're on the run!
They can't hear us
down here, Marshall.
Thank you for this
place of refuge.
We couldn't afford
the Lanesborough,
but there's room at this inn.
What are you doing here?
What's happened?
-Well...
-We're being pursued by
the forces of darkness.
The IRS.
The children of Beelzebub.
The FBI. Let me explain.
(UPBEAT GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYS)
Welcome back!
Gosh, Marshall, hasn't
the Holy Spirit been busy?
He sure has, Bo!
Praise Jesus!
# Praise him most high
in Jesus's name
# In his own name
in Jesus's name #
I can't praise him any more
than he can praise himself.
Hallelujah!
Amen to that!
In this hour, we'll ask
our friends out there
in the faith community
to ring in with those
credit card pledges to
sow a seed for jubilee.
Or authorised cheques.
Or bonds.
Or jewellery!
-The call is free but
the miracle is priceless!
-Amen, my darling!
Now I know you're looking over
here, you're thinking, "That
doesn't look like a temple!"
But it is God's temple.
God's temple of
the airwaves!
Amen! Amen!
Amen! Amen!
I don't know how it works.
Do you know
how it works, Marshall?
-No!
-I don't think God himself
knows how it works.
But what happens is,
it steals silently into
your home, like a virus,
carrying the word of God.
Carrying the word of God!
That is right! Hallelujah!
Praise Jesus! Amen!
Carrying the word of God
to you in your home.
Exactly.
And you know what
the devil hates?
He hates sitting down
there on his big tail,
down on his sofa in hell,
switching on his Panasonic
and hearing the word of God!
It makes him mad!
Ooh, he is mad!
It makes him so mad!
Grrr!
Call the number now!
All the lines are open!
The more you give,
the more you will receive!
-Testimonials, Bo!
-Oh, we got testimonials!
Who do we got?
Who do we got? I believe we
have Carmel Rodriguez, down in
Boca Raton. Hey, Carmel!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(OBVIOUSLY FAKE VOICE)
I'm so glad I sent you
all my money.
Now, I have nothing,
but I am very, very happy.
Carmel Rodriguez.
Oh, and you know what?
You can send in pesos,
you can send in pounds,
you can send in dollars,
you can send in shekels,
-Because we take it all!
Ain't that right?
-That's right!
Philomena Bill down there
in Bunter, Ohio,
don't hold that card up to the
screen, I can't see it, baby!
-You gotta call those
numbers in! Call 'em in now!
-Call now and be saved!
Call 'em in now, because we
want to bring the miracle of
Jesus into your home!
-(SIRENS WAIL)
-And you don't even
have to open the front door!
-Send everything now!
-(POUNDING ON DOOR)
-(DOOR SPLINTERS)
-Call it right in!
We'll be back!
(SHOUTING)
We were merely trying
to release the poor
from the shackles of
what little they had to give!
So for now, we're
laying low and starting over.
Praise Jesus!
Praise him!
I've gone back to acting.
Don't be modest, Marshall!
He's not acting.
He's in a West End show.
It's a small part in
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
It's the juvenile lead!
It's good money and
the theatre's happy because
he doesn't need a chaperone!
Baby, why don't you give us
a little Truly Scrumptious!
# Truly scrumptious
Jazz hands! Yes!
# You're truly, truly... #
Stop it!
All right. Come on, mister.
We have got a matinee.
# Oh, you pretty
Chitty Bang Bang
# Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
We love you #
Mum, why did you change it?
Oh, are we back on this,
are we, darling?
We're back on this.
Why did I change it?
'Cause everything's got to
change! I change my clothes.
Why not change my house,
sweetheart? Mmm?
We can't all just wrap
ourselves in a little
cheese rind like you,
and mature like an old
piece of Gouda
our whole lives,
can we, sweetheart?
That ain't gonna happen.
And your house now is
the latest fashion statement,
isn't it? Mmm?
It used to be you could have
a cool haircut or a great
T-shirt and be fashionable.
What are you talking about?
What I'm talking about is
now even your kitchen's
got to be cool, isn't it?
You can't just wash your hands
in a sink any more,
you've got to have a bowl!
Got to have a bowl.
Not even a bowl, darling!
Just a shiny, flat surface
that water pours onto
and into infinity!
Mum!
Darling, your kitchen is now
so cool, it's got bouncers
so you can't get in it!
Your dishwasher can get in,
but you can't!
Your fridge can be dancing
the night away in
Studio without you!
Shut up!
I can't even have a bath
any more. I've got to have a
bath in a small coconut husk.
Mum, it's just stuff!
Just go and get some stuff!
Just stuff? I have a vision!
I want someone to
interpret my vision for me!
-Do it yourself!
-"Do it yourself".
DIY? I can do that!
Hello, Saffy dear,
how are you?
Yes, I've got the DIY channel.
Well, you got it for me, dear.
That isn't the DIY channel,
you stupid woman!
It's the DYI channel,
Do Yourself In! It's the
euthanasia network, isn't it?
And you're on
a short subscription,
let me tell you!
Is that one of my old suits?
No, it's vintage!
The times I've
had in that suit!
-Let me smell it.
-No, get off!
Get off! Get off!
If you don't do it,
I'll do it!
-Do what, darling?
-The kitchen!
Oh, you'll...
You'll do it,
will you, darling?
Oh, you'll do it, will you?
How will you do it, darling?
How will you know where to go?
Where will you go?
To your little reject tit
shop, will you, sweetheart?
Get us some little rejecty
titty-titty tit-tit-tit bit
tit-craft tit shop, will you?
Is that where you'll go?
No, I'll do it!
I'll do it, sweetheart.
I'll do it, yeah.
What, now?
Yeah, all right,
I'll do it now.
If it gets that look
off your face, sweetheart.
I'll do it now. Yeah. Yeah.
Come on, Pats,
we're going shopping!
Not shopping, buying!
Do you want a little
potato peeler, darling?
Shall I?
Do you want one of those
little brushes on a stick
that you have by the sink?
Shall I get one of those?
Yes, brush on stick.
And olives...
Oh, we do need olives,
actually.
Right, Gran, would you look
after Jane for a short while?
I need to go and
get her some food.
No, dear, I can't.
I can't help feeling, Saffy,
that you're taking
advantage of me,
just because I'm around
doing nothing all the time.
Ooh! I can see it already!
Eddy, just see
something and get it, right?
-I will, but lovely things!
-Okay, see something lovely
and get it quickly!
We'll be in and out of here
so fast, we'll be a blur.
Let's do this, think texture,
colour, do I love this? Yeah.
Quite like that, might buy it,
although dunno...
-Yeah. Buy it.
-That's a bit...
I don't know.
What do you think about that?
Lovely, great, buy it.
I've got to try it all!
-You haven't bought anything!
-I need to find what I want.
I'm trying to focus!
I know what'll help
you to focus.
-What?
-A nice little drink.
A drink. Come on, darling.
Mmm. Let's focus, darling.
(LIQUID SPLASHING)
Yeah.
I think the problem is
the room is the wrong shape.
If the room was a circle...
-(SPLASHING)
-...instead of a square...
-That's a possibility.
-..that would, erm, help,
wouldn't it, now?
And everything wouldn't
have to be so
squished up against the wall.
(SPLASHING)
It's you! It's you!
Oh... Yeah.
Oh...
..Erm, just close off that
little tap thing, could you?
Just do it.
-Cheers, sweetie. Fine.
-Right.
-Ready for a refill?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Got some food
to wash it down with.
-Oi!
Oh, cheers!
Can we have a refill?
-Darling, you know
who that is?
-Hmm?
It's Terrence Conran.
-Yeah, I know.
-Yes, I know that, too.
Have one yourself.
We've just been in your shop.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Well, you see, what I'm doing
is I'm doing up my sort of
kitchen area.
Now, well, eventually
I will do the whole house
to match, so...
It's gonna be
a big job, Terry.
It's gonna be showcased
in some pretty exclusive
publications so, you know,
maybe we can do a deal?
Yes, in fact, actually,
darling, I want you
to do my house!
I want you to do it. I want
you to put your shop
in my house!
But, you see, a house
should reflect
the person that lives in it.
Crap!
When I walk into your house,
I want to see you!
Well, I would still be there.
-Me, too.
-She'd be there, too.
You see, when I walk into
my house, Terry,
I want to see you!
I really don't think
I want to be in your house.
(DRIPPING SOUND)
Oh, darling... Sweetheart...
Yeah?
Oh, Eds, get us
a glass, darling.
Be a shame to waste it.
Now, tell me all about
the wedding!
I've been dying to ask!
Oh, are those the photos?
Yes.
May I see them?
Oh, I say!
-Is that you, dear?
-Yes.
And who are all those
other ladies?
Those are his other wives.
No, but it's all right.
I'm fine about it.
It just means he has to split
his time, that's all,
and, erm, well, I get to see
him every three months,
so that's good.
Oh, Saffy!
You've joined a harem!
EDINA: Come on, darling.
Bloody Conran!
Hello! Hello! Cab! Cab!
Kunz!
-Have we got
much time?
-PATSY: Oh, God...
EDINA: It should be all right.
The traffic's not
too bad, is it?
We should be okay.
When we get in there
we're just going to
point and load.
EDINA: Point and load,
point and load.
PATSY: All right, darling.
EDINA: Ring the bell!
Ring the bell, and
get that door open!
Push it! Push! Push! Kunz!
Push it! Try again!
No, ring that bell!
Ring the bell!
(BANGING ON WINDOW)
(BELL RINGING CONTINUES)
No, no, no!
(GERMAN ACCENT)
Let zem vait!
Let's see how much
they really vant it.
Come on, sweetie!
I just can't help thinking
we'd sell more if
we actually opened the door.
Vell, you know nussing!
(KNOCKING AND RINGING
CONTINUES)
Vat is dat smell?
Oh, it's the athlete's foot.
Ach...
I've got to offload that foot!
(BELL RINGS)
Ja, ring it! Ring it!
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Wait a minute!
Who is that?
Oh, my God, go! Go!
Open! Open!
Big client!
Faster! Faster!
Faster, you silly cow!
Run! Run like ze wind!
EDINA: Kunz! Kunz!
PATSY: Herr Kunz! Kunz!
EDINA: Sweetheart, I...
I'll speak to you when
I get there, hang on!
Sweetheart! Oh! Mwah! Mwah!
Hello.
Oh, I didn't see it was you!
Oh, my God, look at you!
You've lost so much weight!
What happened to your head?
Your head got so big!
Your bifocals are on
upside down.
Ah! There you are.
Danke, Yoko.
Yoko?
I'm... I'm Japanese.
Don't ask.
So what can I show you?
Ah! As you can see,
proto-brutalism is with us.
All right, all right, darling.
No, listen, Kunz, I'm on
a bit of a schedule here,
all right, darling?
Because I'm doing
up my kitchen.
-Right?
-Ah! What are we
talking about here!
Did you see the foot?
-I've had this foot!
-Ach, not, this foot!
No, no, no!
J-Lo adores it! Ja.
Maybe she should have it,
after all.
As I said, it's the only foot
big enough
to kick that arse!
KUNZ: I love it.
I'd have it myself.
-Kunz, Kunz,
work with me here!
-What are we after this time?
Oh, darling, I just need
something quick!
That reflects me, you know?
A mirror! Argh!
Oh, come on, darling.
All right. Well, look around.
-What is the mood, please?
-I don't know.
It's just sort of...
you know...
(RASPS)
Eurgh... Words would help!
I don't know.
EDINA: I can see something.
I can see it.
-What? What speaks to you?
-Nothing!
Nothing's speaking to me!
Oh, come on!
That's just because
you're not listening! Hmm?
Stay there.
Sit on me.
Sit on me all night long.
I love you! I love you.
I love you more than the foot.
The foot...
Um, that's just you speaking,
really, isn't it?
Just doing that
with some cushions.
No, I was channelling
the furniture!
Shut up!
Oh, no! Big head again!
All right.
Look, just... Just...
I can't work on nothing,
give me something!
Give me something, baby!
It's in you!
I can see it...
but I just can't see it,
you know!
I just don't know
where it is...
Where can you see it?
In a magazine?
In a past life?
Huh!
In a past life.
Do you think it's in
a past life, darling?
Do you think that's it, Pats?
Maybe it's in a past life!
That's where
I'm being blocked!
What I can see is
in a past life, isn't it?
Well, then you need
to be regressed.
Yeah, I got regressed.
-Were you, darling?
-Yes.
-Where were you?
-Oh!
It seemed pretty fabulous.
It... I... I was in
an ancient world.
It looked like Egypt... Yes?
Just pyramids, elephants,
-everybody half-naked with
incredible head-dresses...
-Mmm.
...serpents, men, women...
Oh, I want to go there. Yes.
...men-women...
Hmm...
Barges of burnished gold.
Early Cher tour.
Ja!
Ja! I was
the principal dancer!
Und Cher loved me!
Mmm. You go, be regressed.
But you'll be back here
so fast!
Faster than Cher can
turn back time.
Let's go have a look.
Thank you, Kunz.
Thank you, darling. Mwah!
Come on, Pats!
Come on!
Oh...
(DRIPPING SOUND)
(WHISPERING)
Yes. The regressor is here.
Where are you?
I'm just here.
Where's Saff?
She's gone to her dad's
for food.
Right, good, good. I want you
to keep a watch out for her.
I don't want to be disturbed,
all right?
Hi, Crystalline?
Yes, how are you!
-Erm, this is my first time
doing this.
-Mmm.
Who else have you done?
Well... I do a lot of people
but it would be unethical for
me to name names. Madonna.
-Oh.
-Hmm.
-She was a rabbi
at the shtetl.
-Yeah.
And I took Elizabeth Taylor
back through her childhood.
That was the longest
incarnation I've ever done!
-Ah, Shirley MacLaine...
-Yeah, yeah.
Well, we need to get on.
I think I'll just light
a few more candles.
No, I'm ready now, darling.
They're pretty!
- Yeah, well, they're mine.
-They're scented.
Yeah, they're £ a wick!
Can you not light any more
bloody candles?
Just regress me.
I had a second cousin who was
a little bit regressed.
He was a right nutter!
Oh, shut up!
(BUBBLE LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Oh, get back to your desk!
-Sorry about that.
-All right, then.
Well, I've got my pad.
I've got my pen.
You can start breathing.
Good, I'm sensing that we've
never done this before.
No, I just told you that.
You just told me that.
Well, we know each other
from somewhere.
Oh! Weren't we shackled
together on the sl*ve ship
Hacienda in the Indies, ?
You were a bag of bones
back then!
No, then that couldn't
have been me!
Well, you weren't Pablo,
my hermaphrodite
half brother-sister in Peru.
'Round the time
of the great
Inca blood-letting.
-No, we've only just met!
-We've only just met.
-Yeah, I just told you that!
-Did you just tell me that?
-Yes.
-When? Oh.
-Now.
It's like someone put time on
"shuffle" in my mind!
Okay, good. Breathe. Now...
Wow... Ha, ha, ha...
So, where would you
like to go?
-Well...
-Is there a reason for this?
Is there something unresolved
in your past?
I mean, after all, how can
we know where we are,
if we don't know
where we've been?
Exactly. Yeah.
-Where am I?
-Holland Park.
This is Holland Park.
Oh, well, you see,
what it is
is that I've seen a sort of
vision thing, vision.
Oh, right... What I'm actually
after is, you see, I've seen
this perfect vision
of the perfect living space.
And I just have to go back
to where I saw it so
I can remember it, you see?
Well, are we talking
centuries here?
No, it should be in
the last two weeks,
I think.
It could be a magazine
I've read, you know.
It could be a place
I've been, you know.
-Can we just get on with it?
I haven't got time.
-Oh, no, no, no!
We have all the time
in the world!
We have the future.
Ooh.
-And we have the past.
-Okay.
-Oh, Christ!
-Oh...
(GAGGING)
Breathe!
I'm breathing. I'm breathing.
I've done the breathing.
All right, you will notice
a change in my voice...
Mmm-hmm.
..as I take you back.
(IN JAMAICAN ACCENT)
Feel da rhythm of da b*at
as I take you back...
Feel da rhythm of da b*at...
No, that's... That's...
Er, that's not a good voice.
because that one...
That starts a certain way
then just goes Canadian, so...
Which one will we use today?
Yes, that's the voice!
That's the voice
that will take us back.
And as you go back, if you
encounter Shirley MacLaine,
send her home to me
because she owes me money.
Okay, just get on
with the thing!
As you breathe,
I want you slowly
to begin to feel...
(IN CHINESE ACCENT)
You not here!
You heavy! Very, very heavy!
Heavy limbs!
Heavy arms! Great big...
Yeah, heavy,
I'm heavy, all right.
I've got the point!
You in lovely, warm light...
No... Yes!
Yes.
A light is flooding oot...
Oh, now I've gone Canadian!
Oh, come on!
Breathe!
-I'm breathing.
-You floating.
Or you on a beach?
I don't like the beach.
-Or, you in a lovely wood.
-Yes, wood.
And, now I take you
back, back, back and
I going to ring the bell,
oh, five times!
And then you
in different life.
(NORMAL) Actually, I'll ring
the bell several times.
No, that's the wrong voice.
Oh, God!
All right...
In my normal voice,
I ask you to come back now
because we are going
to have to start all
over again now.
-So, come back to me, now!
-I'm here! I'm here!
I'm out! I'm out!
-I was only just behind
my eyelids anyway, c'mon.
-And breathe!
-Have you done it yet, Eddy?
-No, I haven't done it yet,
darling!
I haven't had a chance.
You know Crystalline.
Oh, yes, we've met! Pablo!
Oh, buenos dias.
Oh, don't light
any more candles!
Let's just get on with it!
They're the twinkles
of the soul.
-Leave the candles!
-All right.
Now, we're going to go back...
-Can I stay, Eddy?
-As long as
you're quiet, darling.
I'll be quiet, darling! But
would it be all right if...
And breathe!
And now I take you
back, back, back, and
I ring the bell one time!
(BELL RINGS FOUR TIMES)
Four times!
And you tell me what you see.
Look around you. Look down.
Look at your feet.
You see your feet?
She's never been able
to see her feet!
-You male or female?
-Female.
I'm... I'm sorry,
when I go back,
can you not ask me
about footwear,
just ask me about decor...
You don't rush out of
a regression like that.
I have to bring you out!
-But I am out.
-No, you're out when
I say you're out.
Now you're out. Come forward!
(IN POSH ACCENT)
Good day, Madam, and there's
a farthing for your services.
-What's... What's happened?
-Oh, we've got
a live one here!
-Pats! Pats!
-No, don't wake her!
This is very delicate.
Pablo, I'm speaking to
your other soul-buddy now.
To the person you're being
then, now, if you
understand what I'm saying.
Oh... En garde!
Et la! Et touche!
-Ah!
-Where is she now.
Where is she?
th century.
She's in free fall.
# With a hey nonny no
and a bladder on my stick... #
Where is she now?
What's she doing?
th century.
It's going too fast!
(PATSY HOOTING LIKE A MONKEY)
-What is it? What is it?
-Neolithic...
(PATSY BLOWS RASPBERRIES)
Pablo! Pablo, where are you?
Pablo, what is it that
you don't you want to hear?
The Big Bang!
She's at the beginning
of time!
She's just protoplasm!
Don't touch anything!
Pablo, you must come forward.
Pablo, come forward!
But is it all right
if I smoke?
Yeah, darling, it's all right
if you smoke. Just be quiet!
Right. Come on.
Can we just get on with it?
Come on.
SAFFY: Just wait here,
I'll be back
in a minute, darling.
sh*t! She's here! She's here!
Quick, regress me! Regress me!
Regress me, quickly!
Come on... Yeah, all right,
ding-ding, I can see my feet.
I'm on a beach.
I'm there. Don't worry.
-Mum?
-No, no!
Regression in progress!
Where are you?
By a lake...
Pre-Raphaelite hair.
Pre-Raphaelite poet.
I'm a Lakeland poet.
By lake Grassmere.
Seeing all my friends,
"Hello, who are you?"
It's Dorothy Wordsworth.
Dante Gabriel Portia Rossi.
Keats.
Pepys.
Sheep.
What's she doing?
Who can say?
I hardly know her.
Yes. Now, I'm walking...
I'm walking somewhere.
Oh, yes, and now I'm at
a desk. I'm at my desk...
I'm composing a Lakeland poem.
# I'm walking down the road
# Just looking at
the things
# Oh, the people
walking by
-Mum!
-No, don't wake her! You have
to bring her forward slowly.
# Pretty lady... #
I'll bring her forward.
Oh, sh*t! sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!
What did you do that for,
darling? Where am I?
Who am I? Who are you?
Mum, what are you doing?
Have you done anything
about the kitchen?
Darling, that is
what I'm doing, isn't it?
I have to go back, darling,
so I can remember
where I saw the things,
so I know what to get!
You understand?
-That is so typical of you!
-What?
When everything grinds
to a halt, is half-finished,
at a stand-still,
you decide to go backwards!
Yeah, because sometimes,
darling, you've got
to go backwards
in order to go forwards.
Isn't that...
Isn't that right?
'Cause, sweetheart...
# Round like a circle
in a spiral...
Sweetheart?
# Like a wheel
within a wheel #
What? What?
What is the matter with you?
I can't take any more
of this! I'm fed up with
being left out.
What is the matter with you?
(BOTH SHOUTING AT ONCE)
-Oh, get off!
-(BABY CRIES)
What did you do?
Nothing...
-You hit her!
-Darling, no...
Why is she holding her face?
I dunno, 'cause
Eddy only hit her on the arm.
Reasonable force, darling.
The government says
you can use reasonable force.
I don't want you
in this house any more!
She can't do that, Eddy.
It's not her house!
-It is.
-Yeah, it is actually,
darling, but in name only!
-I want you out!
-Well, just you, Eddy.
Just you, she said.
You want us out?
So you can have your
little family life, darling?
Well, let me
tell you something,
this is family life.
We're having a domestic!
Call the police!
This is what it's like,
darling, it's messy!
It ain't ever going
to be perfect like
your little Heidi house
you want with your Muffin,
the mule. It's not going
to be like that, darling!
Because we're not like
the little people you had
in your doll's house,
that you can push around
on stick furniture
and make eat big plastic cake!
This is it, sweetheart.
And do you know what?
I'm bored of it.
You know something?
Don't throw us out,
'cause we'll go.
Yeah, we'll find
somewhere else,
sweetheart.
You can have this.
You can have this
for your little family life.
We'll move on.
Done everything I can do here!
Come on, Pats.
Pats?
Eddy, what have you done?
What? We'll find
somewhere else!
Come on, sweetie...
Eddy! This is all I know!
This is where I come!
You don't seem to understand.
I can do without food,
without organs, but...
This is my womb!
This is my home!
No, darling,
this isn't your home.
Do you know why, sweetheart?
Because a home isn't a place.
I read that.
A home, darling,
is a transitory object.
It isn't stuff.
Home, darling, is people.
People who love you.
I'm your home, aren't I, Pats?
I'm your home.
Come on, sweetheart.
Come on, let's go.
Come on. Look...
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
Saff, you're going
to have to help me, darling!
I think rigour has set in.
Oh, for God's sake!
Ah!
Eddy, bring my cigarettes.
(GRUNTS)
(CRASHING)
(MOUTHING)
(MOUTHING)
(STAPLE g*n f*ring)
(STAPLE g*n f*ring)
Oh!
Ooh, there we are, dear.
They should stay up now.
But I don't think
you'll be able to draw them.
The smell of glue
will go off eventually.
Thank you, Gran,
it's... They're lovely.
Will you be all right, dear?
Yes.
You're better off without her,
you know.
I know.
I bet they haven't got
anywhere half as nice as this.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, this is for you, dear.
Oh, thank you, Gran!
What is it?
It's my bill, dear.
I'll take a cheque.
-(POPPING)
-PATSY: Eddy!
Coming, darling!
Eddy, I unpacked the glasses.
Well done, darling.
Oh, isn't this lovely,
I love it. Here.
Cheers! Cheers, darling!
Cheers!
Do you want to stay in
here or do you want
to move through?
Let's move through
to the other room.
Yeah, let's move through.
Let's take some nibbles.
This is lovely, isn't it?
It's fabulous, Ed.
Better than Saffy's
little place, eh?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, God!
Mmm. I'm glad we got this.
I love these textures!
-Yeah, glad we got all these.
-It's lovely.
It's lovely, Eddy.
Are you thinking of
getting some curtains?
I don't know.
What do you think?
I don't mind it like this.
I like the space.
Yeah... Yeah, yeah.
I want to get
more light in here.
05x09 - White Box
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Series features Edina Monsoon, a heavy-drinking, drug-abusing PR mogul who spends her time failing to lose weight and chasing bizarre fads in a desperate attempt to stay young and "hip".
Series features Edina Monsoon, a heavy-drinking, drug-abusing PR mogul who spends her time failing to lose weight and chasing bizarre fads in a desperate attempt to stay young and "hip".