02x02 - Wummin

[bunniefuu]

Mina? Mina? What's keeping you? Is that what it was? I thought we'd a deid rat in the shop.

Hurry up! Jesus! Isa, I thought you'd gone! I'm just finishing my article.

Your article? In my magazine? I've only got a wee bit to go! It's all about benefit cheats.

It costs the Government millions! The cheats would say, "It's only a wee bit.

Whit dis it matter?" But the Government says, "It all adds up.

" Those wasters dae the honest folk oot of their rightful entitlement.

It's a dilemma.

Would you spill the beans on your neighbour? That's the headline
- "Are You A Grass?" I think all of Craiglang knows the answer to that
- yes, you are.

Now, go home, so I can go home! I'll see you tomorrow.

Mina? I'm turning the lights off.

Get your arse wiped and come on.

Sorry, pal.

We're shut.

Ah, right you are.

Bert? Aye? Come away in.

Sorry, Bert, I didn't recognise you.

No offence, but I thought you were a jakey.

What can I get you? Is it eggs? I don't know, Bert.

Is it eggs? Aye, I think it is.

Eggs, give me six eggs.

So, how are you now, Bert? Without the, er After the, er Not that good.

You're the first person I've spoken to in I don't know how long! Christ.

No chance of that happening in here with her gabbing all day.

Gab, gab, gab all day! You know
- the wife?! CASH REGISTER TINGS Thanks.

TOILET FLUSHES Finally! There.

DOOR OPENS Oh, here we go.

It's Ant and Dec(!) That would be hilarious if we had any idea who you were on about! Whit is Ant and Dec?! Arseholes no doubt, cos that's your patter! Here comes an arsehole double act! What were we Monday, Jack? Fran and Anna.

You cannae just pluck celebrity names out of nowhere and pass that as patter.

That's like us saying to you, "Can we have two pints, Parkinson?" You see, we wouldnae dae that.

Cos neither me or my friend, unlike you, is a prick! All this chat, and I do believe I speak for us both, has made us very thirsty.

Two pints, prick! MUTED LAUGHTER Ta.

Eric.

I never tire of burning that bastard.

VICTOR LAUGHS Aye.

Sets you up just nice for the pint.

Aye, it does that.

DOOR OPENS Bobby? Can I have a lager, son, when you've got a minute? Thanks.

GASPING Oh! Right, Hopalong(!) What's the story? Aye.

Whit's the stick aboot? About 40 quid a week.

Eh?! Whit? Invalidity
- an extra 40 quid.

And get this
- I've got a home help, too.

You jammy bastard! Since when?! Beginning of the week.

So there's heehaw wrong with the knee? No.

The stick's for cosmetic reasons.

A prop, if you will.

As long as the knee is BAD, everything is GOOD.

You're a fly bastard.

You'll get busted.

Och, gie yersel' peace.

Whit did your last sl*ve die of? Fractured skull! Thanking you.

I don't know how you sleep! I sleep on this side, because it's too sore to sleep on this side(!) See you right, boys.

BOTH: Right, Parkinson(!) Here, Jack.

It's not like us to be oot this late.

No.

No, it is not.

We'd better get up the road before the night crawlers come out.

Aye.

Allow him, eh? Winston.

Oh! Home help? If he fell in the Clyde, he'd come out with a salmon! But listen.

40 quid on top of your pension.

That's no' bad.

I wouldn't want a home help.

Some stranger poking through your stuff.

Remember Rita Watson's home help? Said she'd go to the bank for her.

Never put a penny in, not to Rita's account anyway.

Robbed her blind! One bad apple.

It's a good service.

For them that need it, Jack.

Eh?! Are you saying you wouldn't like a big darlin' dusting, hoovering, getting in your messages? "Can I do anything else for you?" "Yes, you could give this a tug.

" Oh, you clattie bastard! Listen to you
- "Big darlin'.

" She'll likely be a big pug
-ugly Russian sh*t
-putter A wee tug?! She'll rip it aff ye and sling it oot the windae! I'd sort that.

"I won't put up with your shite! Rap it! Down you go!" Winded, aye! Here, Jack.

Is that Bert Finlay? Jesus, it is, an' all! Aye.

Gie him a shout.

Bert! Bert! That's a bloody sin that, in't it? You know whit it's like to lose your wife, eh? Aye.

Here.

We should take a wee run up and see him tomorrow, you know.

Make sure he's all squared up.

Aye.

Aye, we'll dae that.

For a man that doesn't get about too well, you've made some mess, Mr Ingram! Please, darlin'.

Winston.

Never mind the "darlin'"! Lift yer feet! Oh! Will you do us a bit of toasted cheese, sweetheart? No, I will not! I'll do you another cup of tea! I'm yer home help, for God's sake! Not your personal flunky! And I'm no' your sweetheart! That's smashing that, eh(?) And me a cr*pple! I can't walk the length of myself! Don't give us it! That bloody leg should be better by now.

You're at it! And if I find out you are, you'll be off the register! But when you're my age, it takes longer to heal.

Why don't you sit down next to me and rub my knee? Think I don't always hear this? A randy old pensioner trying it on? Read my lips.

Never in a million years.

Get a grip of yourself! Looks like I'll have to! Cow! DISHES RATTLE KNOCK ON DOOR Oh.

I would get that, you know, but my leg'sa bit Right! Holy
-moly! Man alive! Sweet dreams! And you are, darlin'? Mrs Begg, home help.

Oh, Mrs? Aye, that'll be a lucky fella.

Er, we're Winston's pals.

Can we see him? Come in.

Not very sh*t
-putterish, is she? Indeed, she is not, Jack.

No.

She's a honey.

Oh.

It's youse two.

Whit can I do for you? Er, we're going up to visit, er, Bert Finlay.

I was wondering if you want to come with us.

Oh.

I don't know if I could go visiting with my knee this bad! Right.

That's me.

When will I see you again, dear heart? Unfortunately for me, Wednesday.

Oh, allow me, hen.

Eh? No, no, no! Allow me! I'll get that.

There you go, dear.

I'll see you out if I can just manage up.

Don't bother! Can you bring me back a packet of snowballs?! Drop dead! DOOR SLAMS Well, what do you make o' her? Aye, she's nice.

She doesn't seem keen on you.

How? Drop dead? It's hardly the big come
-on.

Nonsense! She'll be another notch on the Ingram bedpost! Oh! Forgot my bag.

Cheeri
-bye, then.

Hello, Mrs Begg.

For God's sake! Didnae mean to gie you a start.

Isa? Is that you collecting Mrs Kennedy's pension for her? Um Yes, Isa, it is.

That's quite something.

How are you able to read that? I've always been good at upside
-down reading.

She getting incapacity rate? Very good.

Nice to get wee bit extra.

Yes, I suppose so.

I'll be on my way.

Oh, it's nice to see you.

Here.

How's she keeping? Who? Who? Mrs Kennedy! Oh, picking up now.

You must be really busy.

Yes, really too busy.

Anyway, I'll be going How many's that you do now? Altogether, four.

Aye, cos you've got Mrs Kennedy.

You've Sadie Jackson.

I know that, cos I saw you on her landing.

And you've got Jimmy Gibson, cos I saw you with a box of eye patches.

The only one I know that wears an eye patch is Jimmy.

Is it him? Yes.

That's right, it is.

That's three.

That's only the one I don't know.

Well, he lives on the other side of the scheme
- Winston Ingram.

Winston Ingram?! He has a bad leg.

Since when?! Oh, here.

There's your patient, right enough.

Aye, he certainly would appear to have a bad leg.

Oh, the stick.

The limp.

Winston, for God's sake! We're in the middle of nowhere! Why are you carrying on that act?! Because it disnae matter where you are.

Somebody could be watching you.

Pish! Who'd be interested? Some bastard from the social security with a camera.

"Oh, I'll nip Mr Ingram in the bud.

" Click
-click.

I'll stick with my limp.

You look like a clown! No, I don't! I look like an old man with a limp! An old limping clown! You want to decide whit leg's sore.

You've changed over about two or three times since we came out.

Eh?! How you doing, Eric? Hello.

Where are you off to? To see Bert Finlay.

That's a sin.

It can't be easy adjusting to life alone.

We saw him last night.

He's no' looking too clever.

We're gonnae go see him to make sure he's OK.

Show support.

Be there for him.

Where are you off to? Bookies.

Captain Dandy's running.

It's soft ground.

Ten minutes.

I'm wi' you! Winston, what about Bert?! He's got you two looking after him, in't he?! Winston? What? Limp.

Thank you.

DOOR OPENS Bert? Bert? Jack.

Victor.

Thought we'd pay you a wee visit.

See how you're getting on.

Whit's the matter wi' your hand? I burnt it on that bloody cooker! Oh, jeez
-o! You've let things slide in here, have you no'? Aye, I have.

Do you want a cup of tea? Aye.

No, you! Bert! Oh, right.

Aye, tea.

SNIFFS Jesus! Whit's that smell?! What did that used to be? Oh! My eggs.

I forgot to turn them aff.

What d'you take in yer tea, Bert? Milk and, er Sugar? I don't know.

Annie used to make my tea.

We're worried about you, Bert.

Och, I miss her, Jack.

I miss her badly.

I know.

We both know.

We've been through it.

It's a long road, but you'll get to the end of it.

I just don't see much point.

I can't even boil an egg.

You'll pick that up.

You'll have to look after yourself, Bert.

Get the bull by the horns.

You have to remember you don't have to deal with this on your tod.

I'm sure Victor wouldn't mind me telling you, but he was in a state when his Betty d*ed.

He thought he was goin' crazy.

But we pulled him back, me and Winston, and that's whit we'll dae wi' you! We'll get you back.

I'm in a right mess here! Not at all! You could sit there and watch us clean, but that won't help you.

You have to dae it yersel' and get yer hoose in order.

Right.

Let's see what's what.

Right, Bertie boy.

Gie that a wee taste.

No.

OK.

Whit about that? Aye.

Aye.

There you go.

Now we know you take two sugars in your tea.

That's a start.

Did ye enjoy yer roll? Enjoy is pushing it! It was adequate, thank you.

We'll pop by in a few days to see you.

Will you clean up? Aye, aye.

You'll be all right with lifting and that? Aye, er You couldnae, er? There's a pot under the bed.

It's heavy.

Heavy? How? Whit's in it? What's in it?! A pot under the bed?! A plant, you clown! Piss? Whit the hell you daein' pissing in a pot when you've got a perfectly good lavvy?! That That was Annie's space.

She had all her face creams and scents laid oot in there.

I don't go in there.

I just can't.

I've got it! Oh, you bad wee bastards! You've hurt that poor woman.

No, I didnae! It wis you! Oh! Oh! Oh, my nose! It's closer to you, Jack.

You grab it.

Yer arse.

It's closer to your end.

You know that.

Get it lifted oot.

Bloody big pot of pish under the bed! Shut up and get it lifted oot! Wait a minute! How have I to bloody dae this?! For God's sake! Whit are ye daein'? Hold on.

SNAP! Draw.

Ah.

Release! Oh! O
-o
-oh! Get it right up ye! Get the pish lifted! No.

Eh? I'm no' daein' it.

We drew pencils.

Och, stupid pencils! Gie yersel' peace! I'm sorry, Victor.

I'm no' lifting any pish! Right! Jesus! Oh, God! Jesus! It's aw cloudy! I cannae even see the bottom! Oh, that's heavy.

Oh! Agh! Agh! I imagined myself getting covered in piss! HORSE RACING ON TV 'Scotch Corner still the favourite at 4/1' Oh, Scotch Corner.

I'm gonnae back you.

Did you get everything out the lavvy, aye? Aye.

Perfume and make
-up and that? Mm
-hm.

Oh, that was hasty.

Eh?! Well, you could've used some of the scent to cover the stench of pish! Her at 45.

Oh, terrible! Better get on with it, eh? That was Vincent running by.

He was like a bat out of hell, the speed he was going.

There's only one place he's going
- the bookies.

I dunno where he gets the money.

Whit was that? She says gambling's terrible.

Oh! Aye, you're right there, Mina.

His leg must be aw better noo an' aw, eh? Nae stick wi' him! 'Scotch Corner! It's Scotch Corner!' HE LAUGHS You beauty! Look at youse! Faces like fizz! Who did you have, Eric? Calypso Jet.

w*nk*r! I said Scotch Corner, but you would not listen.

Get it right up the lot of youse! ♪ Scotch Corner! Scotch Corner! Scotch Corner! ♪ Scotch Corner! Scotch Corner! Scotch Corner! Scotch Corner! Scotch Corner! Scotch Corner DOOR CLOSES Hello, Mr Ingram.

Oh! My knee! Em, where's my stick! Where is it? You didn't come in with a stick.

Oh, yes, I did! Where is my stick? Where? Ah, here it is.

Gie's ma stick, ya prick! Aye, aye.

Hmm.

(Come in.

Want a wee half? Aye.

) Right
-o.

That's smashing.

If ye're sure ye're up tae it, aye.

Clansman.

Say half an hour? (Clansman?) Yeah.

Right
-o.

Cheeri
-bye, Bert.

Did you say Bert? Aye.

He wants to go for a pint.

Seemed quite perky.

Did he?! Hmm.

That wee pep talk you gave must've done the trick, eh? Oh, well.

SNIFFS Oh, you smell better! Aye, I'd to have a bloody bath.

Here.

Do you want me to get a pot in case he's needing the toilet(!) THEY LAUGH Did you get him? No.

There wisnae any answer.

Whit d'you make of that? He's probably thought better of it and gone to his bed.

Aye.

Do you think? Aye.

I'm not so sure, Victor.

He'll be fine, Jack.

Fancy another pint? No, we'll just split Bert's.

Not at all.

That's flat.

I'll get fresh ones.

SPLASH! Aye, you want to have seen me.

After winning and dancing in front of Ronnie and all.

Next thing, I'm begging her no' to tell the social.

She stuck me in.

That's poor.

That's out o' order.

Aye.

But you were warned.

Oh, aye.

By youse.

The white knights of righteousness! "You'll get busted!" How are you doing without her? Huh! Dandy! That's a week now.

My house is in a state.

Where are youse going? To see Bert.

He was coming for a pint last night, but he was a no
-show.

I'm a wee bit worried.

Well, I'll come wi' you.

All I'm saying is we asked him out for a pint, he said he'd come, then he doesn't show.

It's odd.

It's no'! He blew us oot! You know whit he's been like.

DOORBELL RINGS That's no good! Gie him a minute! Let him get his arse out the seat.

Whit'll ye dae?! Shoulder it in?! Aye.

Oot the way.

Get back! Ring it again! Oh, Bert! Oh, razor in the hand.

Just in time.

For what? To watch him shave? Lads, Winston.

What can I do for youse? We were a bit worried about you when you didn't show for a pint.

I've been busy tidying things up.

So you're all right? I'm fine.

I brought you a pack of biscuits.

Yoyos.

Thanks.

Is Is that it, then, lads? Well, I suppose, if you're OK, aye.

Bert, if you don't mind, could we come in just to see for ourselves? That was a close call.

I nearly got pumped out of a packet of Yoyos.

Oh! Look at this place.

This is smashing, Bert! What a difference! Aye, it's a rare job you've done.

Everything's in order.

Organised.

Any chance of a cup of tea? You can keep these, Victor.

Eh? I'll no' be needing them.

This is textbook stuff.

Whit? He's gonnae do himsel' in! How in Christ have you worked that oot?! It's blatantly obvious! Think about it.

They tidy up, then get their hoose in order and do themselves in.

You told him to tidy up! But there's tidying up and tidying up! It's like a showroom in here.

He said, "Everything's organised.

" And he's standing with a razor and he disnae want us to come in! I tell you another thing they dae
- they gie things away.

The Yoyos! He said he wouldnae need them! Maybe he disnae like the mint ones, just the toffee ones.

What?! WATER RUNNING There's water running oot there! That's whit he must've been daein'! He'll jump into a warm bath, tan his wrists
- "Good night, Vienna.

" Whit's goin' on, lads? Is water running in that bath, Bert? No.

I think there is.

No, there isnae! Well, let's just see, shall we? Lads? Don't go in there, lads! WATER CONTINUES Is that you in to scrub ma back? I've been waiting on you.

Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Mrs Begg! You manky minx! Sorry about that, Bert.

But it looked like you were gonnae do yourself in.

I don't see how.

Cos the hoose was tidy? Well, you gave me back those biscuits.

I don't like mint ones, just the toffee ones.

Thank you.

No apology necessary! Well, I'll away.

And, by the way, well done.

Aye.

Good for you, Bertie boy! Right, lads.

Oh, Mrs Begg? I think my knee's playin' up again.

I'll have to register for a home help, if that's OK.

Fine! Mrs Begg? Mrs Begg?! Turn that aff! Listen to this! JACK CLEARS HIS THROA ♪ This is the ballad of Mrs Begg ♪ Who doubted Winston's dodgy leg! ♪ Now she waits on me round the clock! Because she got fond of ALL: Old Bert's cock!