05x04 - Hard Nuts

[bunniefuu]

Aye Aye
(yes/hello)

Hi Jacky boy; are we getting a pint?

Give me two ticks; Im just working out
our television watching agenda for this evening.

Oh - Important business? Dont mind me.

What have we got?

Things run smoothly until past

and then we run into a bit of a snag.

Eh? How so?

Well "Bare Knuckle Warriors" -

that doesn't finish until half past .

That overlaps "When Pets Go Bad" by minutes.

Ohhhh, that's a dilemma right enough because...

...Well "Bare Knuckle Warriors" doesn't get good
until minutes in -

that's when you get the showdown after all the trash talk.

"Mental Pets" are out the Window then.

Eh? Nah nah you can't do that to me;
I love that show.

It's always the same...

Families with their eyes stairing out their bloody heads
because their dog is barking and driving them off their nut.

Ah no no; To me...

Ah see there they are; tonight a family of squirrels make Martin the Postman's life a misery.

Ah, that sounds good..They can be
bastards; squirrels eh...

Ok; we will watch "Bare Knuckle Warriors"
on the understanding if it's that Cockney
w*nk*r again, we'll bail out.

Aye Im sick of that dozy bastard-
giving it the big one; only then
getting up bloody heightened at the end.

Aye, ok talk us thru the itinerary.

"World's craziest Cop Car Chases" -
half past seven...

Followed by "Executive Cave Men".

Whoa! Is the the one where the yuppies
half to live like cavemen?

Aye! (yes)

I like that one; that's good. Next?

"Bare Knuckle Warriors" and then
"When Pets Go Bad", as per discussed.

And the evening is rounded off by
a new program... Episode - it's that
thing about...

surgeons that operate on, ahem...
women's downstair's business -

to make them feel better about themselves.

What's it called?

"Beaver Builders"

Ahh, we'll give that one a miss eh?

Right, well there you have it...

An evening's entertainment mapped out

...and not a single actor in sight.

Aye, good acting and riveting plot lines is so yesterday!

A yes; real people, real lives...

...real SHYTE! That's what its all about.

Look at you...

You pathetic old bastard...

what a class act you are, huh?

Sitting on the crapper

eating a bag of Monster Munch

Shoving it in one end...
while squeezing it out the other.

Where is the Charisma?

What have you done to yourself - ya prick?

Nearly ... and humped.

Where is Navid?
Where is the prince? The man?

Is he in there?
Is he buggered?

He jumped on his stallion
and rode away many years ago...

...leaving this saggy husk of an assh*le
to perform the duties.

And look at this face...

Once a face of purpose...

Now simply...

Jesus! Meena!

You clumsy cow!

You just about burst my bloody nose!
What is it?

Hello Mr Hareet?

Ah right! Taylas!

Yes i have taken over from George

Just a re-order of the cold meats then, yeah?

What a result

sorry?

That they should replace what is ugly as George

what with the neck lump, the Gulpal nose...

the comb-over, the breath...with someone so breathaking.

Is that a piece of Monster Munch Stuck in your beard?

Yes it is a piece of ... Monster Munch.

Still Got it

Dominoes?

Nah

Well there's darts.

Can't be bothered with darts.

What about "assing about" with the letters on Boabby's price board?

again??

Come on lads - who's round?

well, i got the first round, then you got yours

Tom!

That Bastard! He moves like a cat

Three pints Boabby

Boabby!

Are you up to date with your television license?

Of course! Aye.

Well there's a specky bastard floating about outside

He just got our of a dark blue van

Oh! He's coming in.
That can't be good - whatever it is.

Is your landlord about?

Yes, that's me.

Can I have a word?

Sure.

Hi. Leo Miller.

I work for Whaledon Productions

we make this show about pubs all over the country.

You know - pubs with character

oh; aye.

i've been raking about Craiglang and it seems to be a bit of a place eh?

yeah it's a bit of a place; aye.

And this seems to be the main pub in Craiglang

It's the only pub.

I guess what I am asking is-
would you be up for us filming in here?

Talking to some of the customers?
Yourself of course -

we'd pay everyone who appears on camera -
and of course yourself for being the landlord.

What - you mean money?

yeah money.

Aye, that's great.

So can i come back with my crew?
Later when it's busier?

Great, aye, when it's busier.
And it will be busier...a lot busier

I'll make sure of that. Well i'll not need to make sure of it -
because... well, it will be busy.

Good, good. And you are...?

Boabby.

Nice to meet you, Boabby.

Well, I'll see you later.

What was that all about Boabby?

What was that all about?

He says he wants to film in here
...says the pub is full of character.

This pub?

Aye! Wants to capture it on film for some tv show

This pub??

Aye! All the parlour, and characters -
...and good times rolling and atmosphere

This pub??

Will you stop saying, "This Pub?"!!

p.. .. .. ...Thank you.

Hey you pair! That's me - away.

What do you want me to do with this mop and bucket Navid?

Just leave it there. I'll get it. Cheery bye!

You don't want me in there, .do ya?

What is it you're doing, Navid?

Nothing! Go home!

Is she gone, Meena?

Right. I'm coming out.

Don't laugh.

Why would we laugh, Navid?

Oooh!
What have you done?

You're .. ah .. a film star!

Ooh by God!
What a difference!

That's ...eh...You've dyed that!

Aye, what do you think?

What's that eh?
"Shat-"-... What's that?

Satin! Touch it!

No thanks

Nah, I wouldn't want to...

Its lovely!

And the chest?

...All hanging out

So very much...very much...grey

...and different ... eh ... hair.

Do you think I should have done that as well?

Eh no ... I wouldn't know ... I mean ...

Where would you stop?

Would you have to do your wee pubies and all?

Anyways never mind all that -

On a scale of One to Ten

How do I look?

Ehhh ... ?... ? Is it to be ?

! Did you hear that Meena?

out of ...Perfect!

Ah! Is that right?

Well let me tell you something!
This d*ck - has let it slide for too long!

This d*ck - is going to have some ME time!

This d*ck - is going to live a little!

Live a lot! Live it LARGE!

Tomorrow! I'm going to be the biggest d*ck in Craiglang!

Get it up - You's!

Right! Let's get it in there and set up.

Ehhhh! ehhhh!

Well that's....hold on....Boabby!

What to ya think? eh!

Something else! They're off their NUTS in here!!

This isn't it...

This is no good!

Huh?? You're going to have to speak up!
We're having such a great time!!

No mate! This isn't what we're after - at all!!

Lads! ...Lads! ...LADS!

Give it a rest, eh!

"All in" atmosphere, eh!
-That's plenty, Arthur.

You were ...saying leo?

This... Sorry!

I've waisted your time. Listen, look...

Thanks anyway, mate.

Leo!

What exactly is it - that you're looking for?

Look, the thing is, mate...

The program's called Blighty's Hardest Boozers

I should have said that upfront.

A lot of people shy away once they hear that.

They don't want their pub's tainted

You thought this place was a beer pit...

Well...yeah!

It's bang smack in the middle of a sh*t hole!

Now, wait just a minute!

This place IS a beer pit -

You just came on the wrong night.

Ah yeah?

Oh yes - you see there's a code between the hard men of Craiglang -

and .. eh ..

Well that code is that -- you know we just let all the old guys

all the fathers have a wee night out

and we let them be.

All the other nights, you know we just...

are in our usual hard self.

So it all kicks off on here on Friday night!?

Oh Jesus yeah!

Big stale! Aye - all the pychos and villains...

congregate in here and it's just

bblleeeccchhh!!!!

Woe!! That's just what we're after!

The bottom line is that um...

I'm "The Daddy"!

Brilliant!

You see that?

No.

That!!

What?
-That!! That there!

Scar!!

Right!

Just a regular Friday night in here.

Tomorrow!

Ahhh...Is that us - humped off the television, eh?

No, quite the opposite, Victor.

They're coming back tomorrow!

Mmm i'm getting fed up; acting to go out

No...Listen...It's Blighty's Hardest Boozers

Oh! That's a big show - that.

Aye, that's prime time.

We could end up being stars.

Aye right aye.

Aye remember her that could't drive;
she was never off the tv after that.

Real People...Real Assholes! That's what they're looking for.

Magazines... Trash hoes...

Aye that's uh Russel Hardy.

That'd be a bit of a one sided conversation Jack,
with him dead about years.

Aye, it's Parkinson you want.

Parky..I wouldn't sully myself with Parky... he's too old now

Maybe back in the Mohammad Ali days, aye.
But..

Na na the old bastard never listens now.

Aye, I don't know about that Jack

You cant' be too choosy, ya know?

Fame is a fickle mistress;
you see what you need is...

You need your Jonathan Ross...
He gets all your

your young ones then..ya know?

And Judy and Richard that takes care of all your board house wives.

Yo Boabby, would you do Graham Norton?

Aye, I'd take Graham Norton in a second.

Good, very good.

Navid?

Is that you?

Aye! what?

Nothing!

What are you doing in here?

I've come in to gamble money.

Wo wo easy tiger!

Put your stash away

Are you allowed to gamble?

What are you? My mother?

Right! Well what is it you want to gamble then?

Aye well that's easy; I don't have a scooby (clue)

Come here

See that board there...

That's your choices.

Pick one.

Mickey the Mutt.

Nah that's the dogs, Navid.

No satisfaction in a dog.
It's over too quick.

Harry Hoofter.

Ah! look at the little wee pen.

Harry Hoofter.

to one.

That's what's known in here Navid as a "Mugs bet".

You're just betting your toe in the water

What you're looking for

is a nice wee favourite.

Something that's got any chance of coming in.

Sure you'll not win a fortune, but

a win is a win.

Harry Hoofter to win.

Christ Navid!

That horse is to one!

And they're off!

Oh Jesus! they're off!

(TV set) "The horses and riders making a clean start there and

nothing to show here from Captain Dandy

...Looking well today; fit and well after the last outing."

Im going to pay that bookie.

Where are you going? No no you need to watch the race!

This is a good bet for jollies...See who's going to win..

How ya feelin'?

Empty.

Hollow.

You've got to get into it!

Your horse is out there knocking it's pan in

Give it a bit of a barking, man!

Come on, rare beauty...

Make haste and ...run like the wind?

A good try but a wee bit
flowery for the bookies, Navid.

Run faster horse

come on, jockey

That's it - loosen up
Come on - enjoy it! Feel it!

Feel it down here!

Come on Harry Hoofter

You can do it!

Good! Good!

Aye that's it you lazy bastard!

Get your hoofs up!

Use that stick, wee man!

Paddle the shyte out of it!

Come on Harry Hoofter!

Come on!!!!!

Come on! Yes! Come on!

YEAAAAHHH!
Get it up yeh!

Tell Me! What have i won?

quid!

Ahhhh.... this is better than sex!

Put the lot on Harry Hoofter again

No no no Navid!

What do you suppose makes a hard pub?

Easy. Punters, Heavies,
the no nonsense merchants...

They don't care, because they don't have to watch their backs.

Aye because no one has the cojones to come after them.

Aye that quiet confidence that comes with being
completely off your nut.

Gentlemen, observe.

Oh aye, i've got it
aye aye:

You've had a stroke.

And you're that hard, you can still walk.

I'm walking like big john wayne - the duke

You're walking like you've got the duke of your Giles
(Giles=patron saint of crippled)

Im the perfect blueprint for a hard man.

Oh aye; how so?

Well Victor's a big fellow right?

How does the saying go? The bigger they are
the harder they fall.

Where i see me - im squat

Im sturdy

Clyde Built, with a low centre of gravity

Doesn't matter what you throw at me

nobody can lay anything on me.

Raging billshit

You listen to me you couple of Wankers...

It's in your blood

It's where you're fey...
(fated to die or at the point of death)

Being hard is about what you are willing to give up.

See you two could come at me right now

and yes for sure in the end

you'd probably get the better of me.

But there is one certainty

and the malee
one of you is going to lose an eye.

Question is

Who's it going to be?

Oh that was good Winson, aye!

Had me going there.

It's all very well acting the hard man
in here tho eh - isn't it.

see once those cameras are on you but

my ass would collapse.

My throat has gone dry at the thought of that now.

Not a bit of it.

Nah when you feel that camera on you Winson...

you don't think about the millions watching

Its your friend.

Aye

I mean you are aware of it and that, right

but you just ignore it.

That way you can appear natural.

Oh aye.

Being on tele is easy Winson

How the hell would you know?

Because we have previous

Now, we've got a letter from Irene Demwoody up in Tickenti Loch

Getting her garden planted and would like to know what to do with her Chrysanthemums

We will show you exactly what to do with them.

Was that it?

Aye!

Eh... Give me that again.

"...her garden planted and would like to know what to do..."

There you are.

You see what we're doing there? Completely Natural.

Not phased in any way shape or form.

Aye! You're not phased in any way shape or form

because you don't know the camera is on ya - you couple of dozy pricks!

Of course we do!

That's the illusion!

Ah im hearing ya - aye!

Im hearing ya..
Im also hearing the words of a Mr Andy Worehole

who said everybody will have their minutes of fame.

And Judging from your last outing,

You've still got another minutes seconds to look forward to!
Ya Pricks!

Lads!

What?

Need a favour.
-What?

Come to the Clansman tonight

Listen to this desparate old bastard

The Clansman is full of pishy old pensioners

We drink crystals down [by] Park Mill.

I know but just - come along. Stone about. Give it a big one.

You'll be on the tele ...

Blighty's Hardest Boozers

Do we get to bar anybody?

No aye; I chase you out because Im a bigger ticket
and everybody's supposed to be fearing me.

[laughter] Fear for you?

Your going to need real good actors because... You're a fart.

well eh...I'll make it worth your while

Oh, aye?

A free can of coke

and a bag of crisps

for each of you.

What are you on, ya doper?

...a 'er Let's go.

right

Hey Lads!

How good are these eh?

These chips - how good are they? Man oh man.

Are you alight, Navid?

Never better Boaby my man!

Im having a cr*cker!

How come ive never seen you in my shop?

Well ..I am needing brill pads.

Boaby - What's happening Mate?

How do you mean?

Well it's not exactly kicking off, is it?

Well no - it never does..."UNTIL 'CLOCK!!"

Oh for Christ's Sake!!

I've warned you wee fudds before!

Watch what you're doing!

Or what?

[cough] OR WHAT?!!!

Out of my way!
-Easy!

Watch the coats!

Boabby!

Jack...Victor...

Boabby...Have the McGills been in?

No! And I'm not expecting them.

Good! We will not be needing these then

What are you stairing at eh?

Ya FANNY!

Aye! Take a photo...It'll last longer!

You're a d*ck!
...You're a d*ck!

You're under the thumb...

and You're a prick!

[loud fart]

[pound]

Take it out of there
-I will-

Well then...

Get the pint paid for

Nooo!

Give us the money, Tom...

No.

Yes.

Nope.

Navid?
-Give us a drink Boabby.

What kind of drink, Navid?

Alcohol - a really large whiskey.

We normally call that a double whiskey, Navid?!

It's not a normal day, Boabby.

Right...

All my life I have avoided the poison.

But today - I'm taking a walk

on the wild side.

[singing] "I'm on top of the world..."

[singing] "..creation is the only explanation/

[singing] "creation is the only explanation i can find..."

Meena!

Now that ive found her since you've been around

"your love put me at the top of the w____orld!"

Meena that was sodd!

that was my nuts!!!

k*ll the light

Boabby this is the tamest pub we've ever filmed.

All you've done mate is waste my time.

This is so early!
-Two old pensioners with swords.

A guy who froze and farted on camera...

A sissy argument about who is paying for a pint

and a woman carrying a man who has had one drink out of a pub.

You don't qualify, mate.
jack!

Pint of Heavy.
-Heavy's OFF!

You want something else?
Heavy's off?

What sort of dump is this?

Ill tell you what sort of dump this is!

This is the sort of dump that when the heavy's off
YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE!

Unless you've got a problem with that?!

YA PRICK!

No problem, Mate.

I don't want any trouble.

Give us a Begg's
-Begg's it is.

Smart man.

Lager.

Im busy.

What?

Are you deaf?

Im serving somebody.

Are you talking to me you d*ck!

Ah Jesus not another one...

Listen! Why don't you stand there like a good wee lassie
Until I'm ready to serve you - ya walloper.

And if you...
-OUTSIDE!

-Eh?
-Outside ya d*ck!

Ok then!

Let's Walk!

Your pal's good eh?

My Pal come?

My pal coudn't make it

His sister's up in the hospital

Ah so whos...

Dynamite me...Dynamite
Right? I'll punch you in the guts

You can do the sacred spot aye?
-What?

Right you! I warned you not to come in the hard man in my shop

No - Wait!

And that's what makes this pub one of Blighty's Hardest Boozers!

Turn that off Erik, eh?

Christ! We were completely hard in that!

Aye!

That boy's done some job putting that together, hasn't he?

And anyone watching that wouldn't want to mess with us eh?

Ah it was fun giving it the big one eh?

Aye well back to reality now.

Boabby! Do you have those dominoes there?

Let's see how hard these bastards really are!!!