01x09 - Baby It's Cole'd in Here

[bunniefuu]

I was thinking last night
about my lady

and how much
I loved her.

And I came
to the realization

that my affection
for this woman is so strong

that if necessary
I would die for her,

swim in the ocean,
climb any mountain,

all for the love
of this woman.

But I will not,
and I repeat,

I will not let her
eat off my plate.

So, babe, if you
ever try it again...

somebody
could get hurt.

I love you.

What a beautiful day
in this morning.

What a beautiful day
in this morning.

What a beautiful--

where does the spoon--?

Ah...

Mmm, something smells good.
Baby, what are you doing?

Cooking for my baby.

So, you can't leave for work, baby.
You know why?

'Cause I made you breakfast--
scrambled eggs,

hash browns
and waffles.

Martin, are you
cheating on me?

No, Gina!
I just wanna do

a little somethin'-somethin'
for you, girl.

- Oh, all right.
- Now you sit down here.

- Okay.
- Lookin' all good.

- You cheating on me?
- Shut up.

All right, all right.
All right now,

- watch yourself. Look at you.
- What are you doing?

Oh, baby,
Hungry King breakfast,

and you heated it up
all by yourself.

That's right,
and it wasn't easy, babe,

'cause you gotta turn it
every two minutes.

You are quite the cook.

If you like that...

check out the Tang.

Made it from scratch.
Creek water.

I'm just playing.

- Morning.
- Morning.

I'm trying to cook for my baby.
Excuse us.

Something's smelling good up
in here, just like mom's cooking.

Wait, wait a minute.

Is that Hungry King
breakfast?

Yes. You know, I tried
cooking that once, man,

but I could not get it
to taste like Mom's.

How do you get them
ice chunks out the middle?

Oh, man.

You got to turn it
every two minutes.

Oh. I thought they meant
turn the microwave.

Right. I'm not that stupid.

Yeah, you right Cole.
You're not that stupid.

You're just pathetic.

Tell them all what happened
at your house last night.

Oh, yo, check--

- I can't right now.
- Why not?

I get it.

It's a man thing.
it's a man thing.

That's all right.
I'm late for work anyway.

Bye, baby. See you later.
Oh, thanks for breakfast.

- It was delicious.
- Ha ha, did you like that?

- I liked that.
- Well, if you like that,

wait till you see
what I'm making tonight, girl.

- What's that?
- Budget Gourmet!

- Mmm-mmm, good. See you later.
- Bye.

Hey, come on, man.
Sit down here.

What's up? Your mother going
through your mail again?

Nah, man. It's worse
this time, Martin.

Last night, right,
had this little honey over,

Shirley
from airport security?

Uh-huh.

We was all alone
in my room, man.

I was on third base,

about to bring it on home,

when all a sudden mom
kicks the door open, man. Boom-bow!

''Cole! You're two weeks
behind in your rent

and got the nerve
to have a guest over here?''

Oh, man. She could have
waited two more minutes--

you'd be finished.

Oh, it gets much better.

Tell him what you
did next, Cole. Go on.

Oh, so I told her,
''Get out.''

Your moms?

No, Shirley.

Oh, Cole!

No, it's cool, it's cool.
Shirley understood.

She got kids my age.

Cole, man, listen.
That's not the point, man.

You gotta stop letting
your mother punk you, man.

Every week it's
something different.

She goes through your wallets,
she's wearing your hats.

Man, you gotta
stand up to your mother.

Well, Martin, what am I supposed
to do, cuss my moms out?

No, you'd lose
that fight too.

Your mama got a mouth
like Dice Clay.

Be a man.
Stand up to her, man.

Well, I don't think
I know how to do that.

Man, sit down here.
I'll show you, all right? Sit down.

- Now look, um, Tommy?
- Hmm?

You be Cole's mother.
I'm gonna be Cole.

Who do I play?

You play nobody.
Take notes, okay?

Now what we're gonna do
is re-enact the scene from last night

between you and your mother
and show you what you did wrong.

- All right.
- Now remember, we're in your bedroom,

Tommy is your
mother and I'm you.

All right? Ready?
Ready?

- Go.
- All right.

Come on, Shirley,
just a peak.

I've never
seen one before.

Wait, Cole's door
is closed.

Oh, wait a minute.
That must mean--

Cole! What is
going on in here?

You are too weeks
behind in your rent,

and you have got
the nerve

to have some guest in here.
Uh-uh, honey.

Shirley,
it's my moms.

Take the paper bag
off your head.

Wait for me
in the hall, Shirley.

I got some business to attend to.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Shirley,
before you go...

Now, Moms! Yeah.

Shut up and listen.

See-- what, what?
What did you say?

Excuse me, did you say something?

Oh, I didn't think
you were talking back.

Now, yeah yeah, see,

I'm a man, right,
with a man's needs.

And what I need
right now, right,

is a big-boned security
officer named Shirley.

What? What? What? What?

Cole, what has
come over you?

For the first time you're
not talking to me like a chump.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's 'cause I'm a man.

Now get out there and make
me a sandwich. Yeah, yeah.

- What, you're still here? I said out!
- No, I'll go. Okay.

I'm sorry, Cole.
It'll never happen again.

- And stay out!
- Yes.

See, Cole?
That's all there is to it.

How about that, man?

Yeah. I mean, y'all really think
I can do that, huh?

Cole, you're paying
rent, man.

Have some backbone.
Be a man!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know
something? You're right, man.

You're right. I should have
done this a long time ago.

- Yeah.
- I mean, yo, who does Moms

think she is, huh?

I make my bed,
I brush my teeth,

I even wash
behind my ears.

She gots to stop treating
me like a child. Yeah.

- Anyway, thanks, Martin.
- Hey.

Thanks, man. That's why
we're partners, see?

- Right.
- And Martin, just for the record,

Shirley did not have
a paper bag over her head.

It was a riot helmet.

This is the insane Martin Payne.
I'm outta here. See ya.

Martin,

look at these
phone messages, man.

Please stop making personal calls.
It's costing me a fortune.

Stan, these are
incoming calls, man.

They don't cost you
any money.

Well, they ain't making me
any money either.

And who is
this Cole anyway?

He calls here more times
than my girlfriend's husband.

Look, since you must know,

he's a friend that's
having trouble with his mother.

Oh yeah? Well, he ought
to do what I did.

What's that, Stan?

Martin, my mother
used to run me ragged

with her stupid rules.

''Please don't
steal from me.

Don't take
my heart medicine.''

Nag, nag, nag.

I told her, ''I may be
in high school now,

but in years
I'm gonna be the one

to pick out
your nursing home.

So you treat me right
and it'll be Shady Acres.

If not, you'll be
picking up cans

out there on the side
of the highway.''

Man, it changed
her attitude

and it changed my life.

Well, what happened
to your mother, man?

Oh, she's doing great.
I waved to her the other day

as I was driving by
on the highway.

I even threw her
a few cans.

Well you're a sweet,
great son, Stan.

Yeah, that's what
she said.

At least I think
that's what she said.

I had the window up.

Argh!

Uh-huh, where are you, girl?

Gina?

Gonna be some static, girl.

Let me show you
what's happening.

I want you out, baby. You came
into my house-- by my rules.

So things got to change.

Gina,

come out and play.

You won! You won!
You won!

You won! You won! You won!

- You won! You won!
- I want you to say I'm the woman!

- You the woman.
- Wasn't loud enough!

You're the woman!

- Here.
- The door!

What are y'all doing?

- We is trying these
out for my little nephew.

- But these'll work.
- Yeah.

- So go ahead and wrap those.
- Okay, yeah.

So, what's up partner?
What brings you here, man?

What's up? I just stopped
by to tell you

that I stood up
to my moms and I feel great.

- All right, good.
- Good for you, Cole.

Yeah, yeah. Shirley was over
and moms busted in again.

What did you say?

What you told me to say.
I said, ''Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I said,
''Looky here, Moms!

Don't be bustin' up in my room,
bustin' my groove.

You understand
what I'm sayin'? Now get out,

and make me
and Shirley a sandwich.''

Tell me you did not say
that to your mother.

That's what
you told me to say.

Cole, we was just playing
with you, man. Did you apologize?

Well no, I couldn't,
'cause right after that

she kicked my butt
out the house.

- Sorry, Cole.
- Sorry, man.

That's cool. I mean, it's all right,
'cause I got my self-respect.

And I owe it all to you, man.
I owe it all to you.

- All right, man, peace.
- Well at least--

- The boy got his respect, I mean--
- Yeah, right.

So where do I sleep?

Shh, man!

Sorry.

Sorry.

I have gathered
you all here today

because I have
found the k*ller

of Lord Barrington.

It is someone
in this room.

And that someone
is none other than--

The Juice Blender is just . !

Yo, turn it back, Cole!

I'm sorry. I thought
it was the volume.

That's right, just . .
But wait, there's more!

That is the volume, man!

Look, it's over!

Sorry.

Martin, we just watched
two hours of that for nothing.

I'm sorry, Gina, but I knew
who the k*ller was anyway.

It was the maid.
I've seen it before.

Cole, what do you mean
''lt was the maid''?

There wasn't a maid through
the whole movie, man.

Maybe I'm thinking
of ''The Jeffersons.''

Martin, you want
some chocolate milk?

- No thanks, babe.
- I'll take one, Gina.

Babe, hurry up back, all right?

Your favorite movie
getting ready to come on.

Well, not tonight it's not.

We watching King Beef, man.

Whoa, didn't you just make us
watch a King Beef movie last night?

Yeah, but it's
King Beef week.

Dr. King Beef, Godzilla
has b*rned half the countryside.

We must flee.
We must flee.

Yes, you are so right.

We must flee to America

before Godzilla gets
to the airport.

But first... I must dance!

Go King Beef!
Go King Beef!

Go Beef! Go Beef!

Go King Beef!
Go King Beef! Go! Go!

Here's your milk, Cole.

Girl. You know
I like mine darker.

Martin, could I see you
in the bedroom for a minute, please?

Sure, babe.

Yo, man,
we'll be back!

All right. Hey, Gina, toss me
some chips on the way.

No, Cole. There are
no more chips

and there aren't
any more cookies either.

Well, don't you think
you need to put that

on the grocery list then?

Martin, I wanna see you
in the other room now.

Oh, I know why she wants
to see you in the other room.

Oh, but don't worry.
I ain't going to listen.

Just like I ain't listened
last night.

''Grab my ears.''

''What's my name?
What's my name?''

He was listening to me!

I know, babe. Just calm down,
all right? Calm down.

Martin, he has been here four days.
I can't stand another minute of this!

Gina, you telling me? The whole
place smells like feet and corn chips.

Martin, last night I heard him

clipping his toenails
at : in the morning.

Gina, he does that
every night.

I know! How many toes
does he have?

Look, babe, that doesn't bother me
as bad as every morning at : a.m.

you hear the shower going
and hear him singing...

No, look, Martin, we have
got to get him out of here.

All right, we gotta
come up with a plan.

You know what?
We can always starve him out.

- Martin!
- Babe, listen. This could work.

Look, we take all the food
out of the refrigerator.

We hide in the bedroom.
A couple of weeks go by.

We hear his body drop from starvation,
we push him into the hallway,

and then we move on
with our lives.

Martin, why can't you
just tell him to get out?

Gina, because I can't.

It's my fault
this happened.

Why is it your fault?

Because I told Cole
to stand up to his mother.

He took it too far

and now he has
no place to stay, babe.

The boy's homeless,

just like Blind Willie
and his bald-headed cat.

Look, let's just go
to your place, all right?

That's not going
to solve anything, Martin.

Yeah, you're right.
He'll just find us there.

Martin, I just wanna get away
from him for a little while. That's all.

Okay, look, let's go
to a movie, all right?

lt'll get our minds off him
for a couple hours, okay?

- Just the two of us?
- Just the two of us.

- No Cole?
- No Cole.

When y'all two are done,
you wanna play some cards?

- Babe.
- Yeah?

I feel so much better now.
I'm glad we got out.

- Me too.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- You know, Cole did us a good thing.

He got us
out the house together.

- We went to the movies.
- Mm-hmm.

And I got to see
Robin Givens in her panties.

You like that?
You like that?

No, I like you better.

We gotta be quiet,
'cause Cole's probably asleep.

- You're the one making all the noise.
- Just open the door.

- Hey, baby, staying with me tonight?
- Okay.

What the hell
is going on in here?!

Hey, hey, hey,
the stripper's here!

The stripper's here!

k*ll that noise. There ain't
no stripper here, all right?

Martin, take care of this.
I'm gonna find Cole.

All right, babe.

- Excuse me!
- Yo, where's Cole?

Hey that brother's in the
bathroom with Shirley from security!

Let ask you
a question, man.

Do you put your feet on your
mother's table at home?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Well, you ain't at home,
so get your feet off--

Hey man, who are
you? This is Cole's crib.

Hey man,
what are you-- hey!

This is an antique. What are
you-- you're all like kids, man!

Damn, this--

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, why you gotta
break Cole's vase?

Can't we all
just get along?

You better leave before
I call the cops on you, all right?

Later, get out. Let's go! Out!
Yo, man, come on. Out, out.

I filled it up
with beer.

Hey! Out, man!

Yo, let's go, partner.
Out! Out!

Hey man, do you mind
if I videotape the stripper?

What? You don't get it, do you?
Let's go. Out!

Let's go. Out, out, out!

Yeah, all right, but we're not
paying for the stripper.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.
Stand by -Eleven.

Babe, look at this!
This-- this--

look at your--

Let's-- I said
everybody out.

I said
everybody get out!

Man, if I got to go
off on-- hey, hey,

partner!

You want beer?

And stay out, man!

I'm not lying. I mean, a lot of women
can't get away with wearing a tie,

but on you, baby...

Where's everybody?
Where did everybody go?

You get ready to go.

Let's go, big Shirley.
Out. Come on!

Let's go.

Go get a sandwich, Shirley.
Let's go, out!

Martin, man,
I can explain.

I thought you were staying
at Gina's tonight.

Is that supposed
to make me feel better?

Yo, Cole, you got a lot
of growing up to do, man.

You know what? I see why
your mother threw you out, man.

Yo, you're a freeloading
pain in the ass.

I'm only telling you
that because I love you.

Wait a minute, where do you
come off talking to me like that?

Yo Cole, this
is my house, all right!?

I saw what I want
in my house.

You get your own place,
you say what you want, all right?

You know, you sound
just like my mama.

You don't get it,
do you?

You just don't get it, man.

What should I do?

You have to figure it out
for yourself, Cole.

- Moms, what are you doing here?
- I called her.

I think you two have
some things to discuss.

Martin.

Well, hurry up
and apologize.

I'm parked
in the handicapped spot.

All right.
Look, Moms, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I talked to you like
that the other night. I was wrong.

You were right.
If I live in your house

- I gotta live by your rules.
- That's right.

I thought it would be different
when I moved in here with Martin,

but I see it's not.

I mean, you live with someone else,
they call the sh*ts.

So what do you
want to do?

I'm years old, Mom,
and I live at home.

I think it's about time
I just moved out on my own--

get my own place,

live by my own rules

and call my own sh*ts.

Cole, you're a man.

You know
what you gotta do.

But until you find
your own place,

you know where home is.

Thanks, Mom.

But you know what?
I sure am glad that

you're gonna stay with me
until you find your own place,

'cause Martin keeps
a nasty house.

I know Edna didn't
raise him like this.

Now I want you
to leave your stuff here

until we have time
to shake everything out,

'cause I think the boy
got roaches.

Oh, finally they're gone. Finally!

Oh, look
at the vase, babe.

Oh, the place
is a mess, Martin.

- It's our mess alone, huh?
- Yes.

Look here. Wake me up
when you finish cleaning, okay?

- Oh no, you will not try it.
- What?

- Oh, you are helping--
- Excuse me.

Uh, is this
apartment number ?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Great! I'm the stripper
you ordered.

I don't normally
do this for couples,

but, hey,
whatever turns you on.