01x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

See that house back there?

I was born in that house.

And you know what?
I intend to die there.

Oh, I don't live there anymore,
but that's where I'm gonna die.

Die in the house
where I was born.

Sort of a dream of mine.

So whenever I'm feeling a little
bit sick, I just come down here.

You know, just in case.

Right now I've got
a bit of a cold.

But it could escalate.

So I'll just wait and see.

It's a wait-and-see
sort of thing.

Oh, you don't
have to hang around.

I've got a book.

Oh!

T.b.i.m., Huh?

Yeah.

T.b.i.m.?

Too bad it's monday.

Oh.

I know.
I just hate mondays.

Oh, mondays,
I hate them.

I hate them.

Monday?
I don't believe it.

I know, I woke up
this morning,

And I said to myself, "monday --
you've got to be kidding."

But it was no joke.
No, I know.

Morning, cathy c.
Morning, cathy k.

Morning, tanya.
Morning, tanya.

Mondays, huh?

Yeah! Yeah!

Temp! Temp!

[ Both giggling ]

Cathy, you know
how I hate to gossip.

And you know
how I hate to listen.

I do!
What? What?

Well, there's gossip, and then
there's common knowledge.

Well, there will be
as soon as you tell me.

Well, cathy, everyone
in this office knows

That tanya is sleeping her way
to the middle.

[ Gasps ]

Well, who?

What?

When? Where?

How...many?

Well, let's look
at the facts, shall we?

First of all,
mr. Malone from marketing.

Ew!
Mr. Moustache?! Gross!

The mind boggles,
doesn't it?
Ew!

God. Oh, god.

All those long lunches,
motel-room matches --

It's obvious.

Well, maybe I'm just a priss
or something,

But I think all your ex-lovers
should fit on a bus.

Not that you'd ever want
to be on that bus!

Oh, god, no!

I bet she's even
done the driver.

She's got them
packed in the --

Hey.

Hi.
Work, huh?

Yeah! Yeah!

Slut! Slut!

[ Both giggling ]

Temp! Temp!

I'm telling you,
the shit is gonna hit the fan

And fly right back
in her office.

Oh, cathy, the writing
is on the partition.

Yes.

And I'm not gonna
be there

To clean it
off her peasant skirt.

No, no, no.
Why should you?
Why should i?

Why should you, cathy?
Why should you?

After what she's been saying
about you? No way!

Mnh-mnh.

About me?

Well...
[ Giggles nervously ]

I just assumed
that you knew

She was talking about you
behind your back.

No...

What did she say?

Well, um...

She told a roomful
of people that you were fat.

Saddlebag thighs.

Well, it's better to be
healthy...

Than...anorexic!

Yeah, that's right!

No! I'm a chunky mutt!
[ Cries ]

Oh, cathy!
You're not.

You're not.
You're not.

You're just big-boned.

I don't know.

Cathy, cathy, look at me.

Look at me.
Look at me!

Look over there.

Look at her.

Now look
back at yourself.

And look at your hair.

Look at your hair.

I know
I have nice hair.

No.

You have wonderful hair.

In your case,
your face frames your hair.

I mean it.

That's so sweet.

Well, I mean it.
That's why I said it.
That's really nice.

You know what?
Another thing.

Tanya, for a temp, she's
got a pretty bad permanent.

[ Giggling ]

Well, maybe she should just
shave her head and start again.

Oh, that's the spirit.

Who's this?

[ Retching ]

I don't know!
I don't know!

I'm coming!

Who?
Tanya!

Oh, you!
Right after lunch!

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my!

Oh, that's good.

Feel better?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Thank you.

Hey, no problem.

That's what
coworkers are for.

Okay?
Yeah.

Back to work.

Aaah!
Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!
Oh!

Ooh!

[ Tires screech ]

Your x-rays.
What's up?

Take a look at this.

See? It's just
the photographer's finger.

So it's just a flaw
in the negative.
Yeah.

I don't have
lung cancer.

I'm afraid not.

[ Sighs ]

You know, I took
the day off work.

I know.
I'm sorry.

Great.

Can you give me a lift
back to town?

Sure.
Cigarette?

Yeah, what the hell?
That's the spirit.

Come on,
back on that horse.
Yeah, right.

[ Southern accent ]
what weighs more --

The bible
or the bhagavad gita?

Worldly scholars
and scientists

Have known
for quite some time

That the bible outweighs
the bhagavad gita here

By a pound to a pound
and a half sometimes,

Outweighs the talmud sometimes
by three to four pounds,

Outweighs that mighty koran
sometimes by five to ten pounds.

You think about that.

Every comedian
has a preacher character.

Every comedian uses
the preacher character

As a reliable, solid
comedy device.

And why not, I say.

Say an ordinary line like
"get off the phone,"

And you got nothing.

Say it as your preacher
character --

"Get off
the phone, sinner!"

And you're halfway to a joke.

All comedians
use the preacher character.

Now, lately the preacher
character has been under attack.

Now, why is that?

I've been hearing
some folks say

They think the preacher
character is finished
as a comedy vehicle.

They're saying stuff like,

"I don't like that preacher
character anymore.

"It's been done. It's passé.
Get that old guy off my tv set.

"I don't like
that preacher character.

"Give us something new.

"That old preacher character
don't make me laugh anymore.

That old preacher character
don't make me laugh anymore."

They're saying that.

And who are these people?

Are they out there? Are they
the general tv audience?

Are they fans?
Are they writers?

Or are they critics,
given to criticism?

'Cause I think the time
has never been more right,

More propitious
for the preacher character.

All you got to do is look down
the southern united states.

You can see that televangelists
and preachers

Are fast eclipsing
rock 'n' roll musicians

As the drug-popping,
tax-weaseling,

prost*tute-pumping bad boys
of pop culture!

It's bible-belt babylon
down there!

And they say we don't need
that preacher character anymore.

Well, I say to people like that,
"I like my preacher character.

He gives me the now feeling."

I'd like to finish with a story.

I had a friend of mine...
In the industry,

A stand-up comic
who was having some troubles

With his preacher character.

And what he said to me was,
is that it wasn't working.

The character wasn't comic.

He would go out
and do the preacher character,

And no one would laugh.

Now, he had done
this preacher character

In stand-up comedy clubs.

He did it at parties
he attended socially.

He had made a home video.

And when he told me
of his problems,

I said, "tom, try drawling
a little bit more.

"Extend your vo-o-wels.

And if that doesn't work,
are you sure you're funny?"

That shut him up.

So what weighs more --

The bible...

Or a compilation copy

Of gary larson's
"far side" cartoons?

Think about it.

Hi.

Come closer.

No, closer still.

Come on!

Come on in!

No. That's close enough.

You don't want to disappear
into a pore in my nose,

Like the ill-fated crew of
"fantastic journey," do you?

Hi! It's weston esterhazy here,

Confidante to the stars.

Yeah, buckle up, world.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Apparently, tina yothers,
michael j. Fox's younger sister

On the late smash-hit sitcom
"family ties,"

Is really years old.

Yeah, apparently it's true.

Apparently, d*ck sargent,

The second
and more excellent darrin

On the television show
"bewitched,"

Was turned into a fish
on the last episode,

And they forgot
to turn him back,

And he was abandoned in a bucket
of water at the wrap party.

So if anyone out there
has seen a large pike

Who keeps going
"it's darrin, not derwood,"

Please contact his agent
at the william morris agency.

He's up for
a small but excellent

Supporting best-friend role
in "splash ."

Apparently, robert vaughn,
former man from u.n.c.l.e.,

And host of the late-night

Television sensation
"discover"...

...is being sued by his career
for defamation of character.

It should prove
to be an interesting case,

As hollywood rumor has it,
mr. Vaughn died years ago

And is, in reality,
right now just a hand puppet.

Apparently, the purple-clad,
gender-bending rock star prince

Is not really a prince at all,

Just a guy from minnesota.

What a liar!

[ Telephone rings ]

Telephone.

Hello?

Hi, weston.
Virgil here.

Hi, virg.
What's the poop?

You'll never guess
what I'm doing.

What? What?
Uh, spinning lettuce?

No.
What?

I'm watching
my very own copy

Of the rob lowe
videocassette.

No! Wow! Excellent!

What's it like?

Actually,
it's kind of boring.

What?

The girls are
down to their panties,

But rob's been spending
half an hour

Lighting the room
and adjusting the camera.

Oh, yeah. He really
wants to be a director, eh?

Yeah. You can tell.
It shows -- real keener.

Yeah, well, well,
put it on "pause," okay?

I'll be right over.
Just a second.

I got to go. Something
really important just came up.

Hey, who you talking to?

God.

Wow.

Wow.
He's famous!

Yeah.
The biggest one yet.
Yeah.

Okay.
I'll see you later.

Hey, yeah, all right,
but hurry up, eh?

I'll put it on "pause."

But hurry,
'cause rob's thing awaits.

Excellent!
Yeah!

Well, I really got to go, okay?

But remember, before I go,

Everything that I've told you
is a secret

Just between you and me
and the superstars involved.

And please don't judge.

They can't help themselves.
They're celebrities.

Bye.

Oh, no pictures.

Bye.

Bye.

[ Tires screech,
car doors close ]

[ Crying ] we're almost there,
buddy. Almost there.

Why, god?!
Why this man?

This man in yellow,
god.

I can't believe this is
happening to you. Not you!

One step at a time,
one step at a time,
one step at a time.

We're almost there, buddy.
We're almost there.

There's too many other
accountants this could
have happened to.

I can't picture life
without you.

I mean, we'll miss you
at work.

I'll get the door, buddy.
You stay there.

[ Crying ]

Open the door!
Open the door! Let us in!

You must
open the door!

I got a dying man
out here

Who wants to be
a dying man in there.

[ Coughing ]

They're not in.

They're not answering,
my poor, sick, dying buddy.

[ Wheezing ]

I'll get you in there.

You want to die
in that house,

Then you're gonna die
in that house!

There you are, buddy.
You're in your dream house.

Your circle of life
has been completed.

Die well.

Die well.

[ Coughing ]

Christ, I'm minutes
past my lunch hour.

Farewell!

Farewell!

[ Coughing ]

♪ Picnic time for teddy bears ♪

♪ Those little teddy bears ♪

♪ Are having
a wonderful time tonight ♪

♪ See them gaily play about ♪

♪ They love to sing and shout ♪

♪ They haven't got any cares ♪

♪ But at : ♪

♪ Their mommies and daddies ♪

♪ Will take them home to bed ♪

♪ Because they're tired,
little teddy bears ♪

Good night.

Dad?

Uh, yes?

Were all the bears
there?

Yes.

All the bears that ever there
was were there. Good night.

Dad?

How come the picnic ended
at : if it was so good?

I mean, it's not
even dark at : .

Uh, all the bears were tired
from, uh, frolicking.

Frolicking's very tiring, son.
Good night.

What did they eat?

Uh, well, the teddy bears
ate, uh, buttons...and felt.

Ewww!

No, no!
That's teddy bear food.

Oh.

It's like hot dogs.

Okay, yeah.
Were you even there?

No, I wasn't
actually there.

Well, then
how do you know?

A guy at work told me.

Who?

Hank.
Hank who?

You don't know him.

Maybe I should
call this hank.

No, no. I don't think that
would be a good idea, son.

Why?

Because he doesn't
have a phone.

What?! What kind of a freak
doesn't have a phone?

A freak that works
in the mailroom.

Oh.
Now go to sleep, please...

Dad, I can't sleep,
trying to piece together

This sloppy narrative.

[ Sighs ]

Why don't you try, uh,
counting sheep?

[ Crying ]

What?

What, guy?

How can you make me think
of all those slaughtered sheep

Bloating in the sun?

They're not slaughtered
sheep, son.

They're live ones
bounding over your head.

What?
I thought they were dead!

You didn't tell me
they were alive.

Dad, I was up all night
tagging their toes.

What is going on up here?

Ma!

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

There, there.
What is it?

Dad told me this "teddy bears'
picnic" story,

And it sounds like
utter bullshit to me.

[ Sighs ]

There, there.

Just remember that
your father loves you,

And I love you
even more.
Okay.

And if you ever use that kind
of language in this house again,

I'm gonna wash your mouth
out with soup.
Oh.

Uh, I think
that's "soap," dear.

Don't ever contradict me
in front of the boy.

There, there, little hero.
You get some sleep. Okay?

Okay, 'night, mom.
'Nighty.

'Night, tiger.

[ Smooches ]

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Mmm, soup!

Good night.

So...

This teddy bears' picnic story
isn't true?

Uh, no.
Not exactly.

Well, if you weren't
helping out at the picnic,

Where were you
last weekend?

Hmm?

You think I'm having an affair,
don't you?!

An affair?!
Oh, my god!

Uh, you weren't
thinking that?

Uh, okay.

I'm gonna be honest.

I was out with a few of the guys
from work and a few goblins,

And, uh, it started raining
gumdrops,

So, uh, we happened
into this wizard's tavern,

And I'm gonna be honest.

We had a little too much dew
to drink.

So, uh, I thought
I shouldn't drive.

Well, you did the right thing
by not driving,

But you
should have called.

Well, you know, I tried, but
it's the darnedest thing, honey.

The wizard's leaf
wouldn't dial out.

Well, fine.

But next time you should just
try harder to get hold of me.

You're right, sweetie.
All right.

Good night.

Who's doris?

Doris, doris, doris,
uh, doris.

A woman named doris came
to the house the other day

And said she'd been meeting you
in sleazy motel rooms

And that she was
now carrying your child

And I was just wondering
who she was.

Uh, I could see
why you would be curious.

Yes, well, she did
pique my interest, yes.

Honey?

She's a goat.

She's a magical goat.

And she delights on playing
tricks on us mere mortals.

I am so relieved!

Oh, me too.

I feel like
such an idiot.

Oh, don't feel
like an idiot.

No, no, it's normal.

Oh, you forgive me?
I do, I do.

Oh, I shouldn't
be jealous.

Yes, you should.