01x12 - Episode 12

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, that's in the other
sure, no problem.

No, I'll look that up
for you.

Um...you need --
morning.

Morning.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my god!

Kathie,
you're turning over!

What? I am?

Girls, quick!
Kathie's about to turn over!

What?!

Get over here, claire!
Come on!

Mark: oh, my god!
Yes, you are!

Oh, look, look, look!

Kathie's turning over.

Type faster, kathie!

Come on, type faster!
Go, kathie, go!

Kevin:
kathie, work faster!

Go, kathie! Go, kathie!
Go, kathie! Go, kathie!

Together: go, kathie!
Go, kathie!

Go, kathie! Go, kathie!

Go, kathie!

Go, kathie! Go kathie!

Go, kathie! Go, kathie!

Go, kathie! Go, kathie!

Look, there it goes!
There it goes!

Oh, yeah!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, look at that.

Oh!

Whoo!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Back to work.

Mm-hmm, yes.

[ Telephone ringing ]

I know how you feel, dear.

I was a bit down
when I turned over, too.

Thanks.

[ Sighs ]

[ Mid-tempo rock music plays ]

[ Big-band music plays ]

Hi, gordon.

[ Music stops ]

You're in a bloody rotten mood,
aren't you?

Huh?!

No, I'm in a good mood.
Yeah, I am.

Uh-oh.
What's this?

What, uh...

I work hard all day.

I'd like to relax
with a nice, crisp pickle.

What do I find there, huh?
Huh, what's there?

Juice and seeds, right?

Yeah.

But I don't want
to start anything, okay?

Gordon, I use it
for coleslaw.

I'm making it
for dinner, okay?

You know, I knew you were
in a rotten mood.

I got about a mile
away from the house,

And I could just smell it.

I've been in a good mood
all day.

Oh, great.
You sit around all day,

Wasting a good mood
on an empty house,

So when I get you,
your mood has worn off...

Or you've gone through

Another of those bizarre
mood swings.

I don't have mood swings.

I have mood variations --

Tiny increments
that you can hardly notice.

Yet you're in
a bad mood now.

[ Angrily ]
well, you're putting me --

[ Calmly ] you're putting me
in a bad mood

By complaining
about my good mood.

What came first --
the chicken or the egg?

Huh?

[ Chuckling ] oh ho ho.

Gordon, I think I know
what's going on here.

I'll tell you
what I think, gordon.

Here's what I think.

I think you
are in the bad mood.

I do, yeah.

I am not in a bad mood.

Oh? Oh? Then what sort
of a mood are you in?

No mood.
No mood.

No mood.
I'm moodless.

You're moodless, are you?

That's like saying,
there's no weather --

That you go outside
and there's nothing.

I'm sorry, woman.
I only have one mood --

One sturdy, dependable,
all-encompassing,

Life-affirming mood.

I wish you were moody.
You used to be moody.

Now it seems you're always
just in a bad mood.

I refute your words.
It's you.

You -- you even complain
about my good moods.

You're good moods
are a shambles.

You know that.

You shove them
down people's throats.

I ask you, gordon,

What's the use
of having a good mood

If you don't share it
with the people you love?

Huh?
I gotcha there.

That's for sure.

Well, those who talk
about it the most

Actually do it the least.

Well, well, well,
you should feel like

You're on top
of the world, gordon...

'Cause I am in
such a rotten mood.

Congratulations.

You're right.

I feel great.

You tricked me!
Now I've got your bad mood!

And I got your good mood.
Oh, every time...

How does it look on me,
baby, huh?

I don't know why!
You want to play
with my gut?

Come on,
thump daddy's gut.

You know what
your problem is, woman?

You haven't been tuned!
Come on, let me tune you!

Let me tune your belly,
mama!

You are barking up
the wrong tree!

I'd rather be
in a multiple-car pileup.

You are just lucky
that I'm not armed

'Cause I am in a horrible,
slaughtering mood!

Why don't you do
what you normally do?

What would that be?

Call your sister.

Oh, gordon.
That's not my style.

No, that's your side
of the family.

Remember that?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I don't do that.

I don't get off
on that sort of thing.

Well, I was gonna
call her, anyway.

Hello, barbara?
Fine.

Just called to tell you
how upset I was

At how late your christmas card
was this year.

A week.

That doesn't give us much time
to enjoy it, now, does it?

No, you just get it up
on the string,

And then you got
to take it down.

Don't yell at me.
Don't yell at me, barbara.

Ooh, why don't you just
call me back

When you're in
a better mood, okay?

Oh, my god.
[ Laughs ]

How's your sister?
Not too good --

Think her and russ
are fighting again.

Well...

[ Cheers and applause ]

You wanted
to see me, sir?

William, I believe I asked
for this report

To be on my desk
today at : .

It's now : ...

And my desk is empty.

An empty desk
is a sad desk.

And if my desk is sad,
then I'm sad.

Right now,
I think I'm looking at

One of the laziest employees
I've ever seen.

I think -- don't touch my car,
please, okay?

I think that maybe you ought
to try and make contact

With that young man
that once upon a time

Had the gumption to sit down
with a matchbook

And to put in his name
and to mail off

For a course in clerking.

You're in a downward spiral,
my friend.

And if you continue
on this downward spiral,

You're gonna find yourself
at the bottom.

I happen to grade everyone
who works for me.

And out of clerks
in my employ,

I rank you --
there you are -- th...

Man: [ echoing ]
billy dreamer.

Billy dreamer.

Billy dreamer.

Dream on...

I don't know
if you remember,

But yesterday
I asked for you

To bring in
that report by : ,

And it's : -ish and, uh,

I was just wondering --
no big deal.

I was just wondering
if you could get it in

Whenever it's done,

Sort of, kind of, yeah.

Nice car.

Thank you, william.
Thank you.

By the way, I did my monthly
report on the employees,

And out of , you came,
I believe, uh, .

That's average.
But average is good.

Average is above the bad --
below the great,

But above the bad.

All the way to number ,
I see.

[ Harp music plays ]

[ Harp music ends ]

...as it is right now,

You're certainly not giving me
a lot of cause, william,

For confidence in you.

I think what you
ought to do

Is sit yourself down
tonight, william,

And have a little talk.

Would you get your hand
off my family?

I don't know
if you want to be

That kind
of employee here.

I don't know if you want
to be an employee here.

I think you've got something
to make up your mind about.

I think you should sit down
with yourself tonight.

Don't touch the car
and don't move the car.

I want you to sit down
tonight...

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ah.

I'm just gonna slow things
down a little,

Play a few
of my favorite folk songs.

You know, just sort of take
a breather from the comedy

And sit back
and feel the good feeling.

'Cause I don't know
about you, folks,

But i, for one,
am very happy

To see the resurgence
of folk music in this nation.

You know that tracy chapman
is going great g*ns,

And michelle shocked --

Well, she's quite
a promising young talent.

And festivals...dedicated
to folk music

Are springing up all around this
great nation like mushrooms.

And I just couldn't be happier,
'cause you know why?

I ain't ever been a big fan
of rock 'n roll music.

Maybe that makes me square.

Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned
and out of touch,

But I guess I'll have
to live with that.

No, for me,
rock 'n roll music,

And excuse me
if this is corny...

Just gives off
too many bad vibes.

All I know is...

I've never heard of anybody
up for a m*rder charge

And trying to pin it
on pete seeger.

And as near as I can remember,

The manson family never
scribed in blood on a wall

"Skip to my lou."

So I just want you
to sit back and relax

'Cause the acoustic guitar
never did nobody no harm nohow.

[ Upbeat music plays ]

Sorry, I seem to be
just a little bit out of tune.

Hope you'll just bear
with me for a second

While I tune up my good,
old buddy.

[ Off-key note plays ]

[ Off-key notes play ]

[ Off-key ]

[ Laughter ]

One, two, three, four.

[ Off-key ]

[ Guitar pick rattles ]

What the hell, folks?
Long live rock!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Upbeat rock music plays ]

♪ La la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Laaaaaaaa ♪ ♪ laaaaaaaa ♪

I love that song.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, I love show tunes.

Me too.

Hey, weston.

Yeah.
I got a new scrapbook.

Excellent.
What's your category?

I don't know.

I was thinking of "hollywood
victims of plastic surgery."

Excellent.
I got a better one.

What?

How about...
"Who's gay in hollywood"?

Whoa!
That's a great one!

Excellent!

Wow, yeah.
Wow.

Who is?

Who is gay in hollywood?

Uhh, officially, no one.

But really, who is?

Do you know who is?
Who?

You know the guy

In that excellent
upcoming action picture

Just now in wide release

That we both agreed
to see?

Yeah.

The guy who's billed third.

Wow!

He's billed third,
but he's in every scene.

Conspiracy.

For sure.

Yeah, yeah.

For sure.

Is the guy who plays
mr. Clean gay?

I don't know.
Probably, though.

Think about it --
classic hollywood irony.

Yeah.

Guaranteed someone
named "mr. Clean"

Is performing the unspeakable
vice of the greeks.

Of course!
Of course!

You know what?
He's probably doing it with --

Virgil!
What?

The walls have ears.

Jeez.

Wo-o-w.

He's probably doing it
with... [ No audio ]

[ Gasps ]
wow, him?

He doesn't act gay.

Not on tv, but offscreen
and in private home videos

Secretly circulated from studio
vender to studio mogul,

It's a different story.
Real flavor.

Wo-o-w. Excellent.
You know who else?

Who?

Benji.

What?
Yeah!

No!
He is!

Biggest fruit
on four feet.

Wo-o-w!
He's sleeping with pluto.

Apparently, after they
brought pluto back to life

In "roger rabbit,"

He went nuts --
hadn't had sex in years.

Wo-o-w!

Went through every canine stud
in hollywood.

Finally met benji
at a party

For merv griffin's
prize pekinese.

La la la!

That slowed him down.

Wo-o-w!

That's excellent.
Who else, though?

Wait!
What?

It can't be.
Pluto's a cartoon.

Yeah, I guess
you're right.

You know who else?

Who?

Oprah winfrey.

No. No.

Uh, john travolta.

Nooooo. Nooooo.

What about tom selleck?

Uhhhh. Uhhhh.

Nooo. Nooo.

Uh, george hamilton?

Oooooh.

Ooooooh.

Oooooooooooh.

Nooo. Nooo.

But you wanted
to say yes.

Boy, did I ever.

But you can't.
He won't even touch himself.

[ Laughs ]

Sam kinison?

Maybe.
Maybe latent.

Yeah, a lot of hostility.

Yeah, maybe.

I know who really is.

But it's off the record.

Okay.

[ Both grunt ]

[ No audio ]

What?!
Yeah!

Whoa, that's
a real shocker!

Wow.
Who else, though?

Her lover and me
as far as I know.

Wow.

Are you sure about that?
She's married, you know?

Her husband -- la-di-da.

Noo!
Yeah.

And both the kids.

Wow!
Yeah.

A lot of gays.
Yeah, lesbians, too.

Wow.
No, officially.

None. Not one. None. Not one.

Never has been.

Believe it.
Believe it.

♪ La la la ♪

♪ La la la ♪

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

♪ La la la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la la la ♪

[ Rock music plays ]

I like this group.

They certainly do
know how to rock.

Wow, imagine if
the four of us

Ever learned how to play
rock 'n roll instruments.

We'd be the best band ever.

Man: [ echoing ]
billy dreamer.

Billy dreamer.

Let's dream.

[ Rock music plays ]

I like this group.

They certainly do
know how to rock.

Wow, imagine if
the four of us

Ever learned how to play
rock 'n roll instruments.

We'd be in
the best band ever.

Yeah, but how do you like
my new chair?

It's fantastic.
I love your new chair.

Yeah, and I like
your new tv, too.

Maybe someday
you'll get a color tv.

Yeah.

Life is...just fine.

[ Harp music plays ]

[ Harp music ends ]

[ Rock music continues ]

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

[ Thunder crashing,
rain pouring ]

Evening! Evening!

Good evening.

Hey.

Evening.

Good evening.

So, I guess you'll be
wanting a room then?

Yeah, just for the night.
I'm on my way to bitterford.

Bitterford's a lovely,
lovely town.

Yeah, uh, excuse me.

I couldn't help but notice,

But everyone here seems to be,
um, um...uh...

Mutilated?

Evening! Evening!

Hey.

Well, yeah.

Oh, you're quite right.

In fact, i, myself,
[grunts]

Am missing a leg.

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't
have said anything.

That's quite all right.
We're used to it.

[ Grunts ]

After all,
it's not that often

You see so many horribly
d*sfigured people

In one room, is it?

Kevin: [ laughing ]
no, it isn't.

I bet you're curious

As to how this strange
turn of events came to be.

I am a bit curious.

I thought so.
I can usually tell.

[ Laughing ]
well, I am.

I guess I was the first
to run afoul

Of the great beast.

Wow, great beast.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, I was the first victim
of...skoora,

The gentle shark!

But if you're
really interested,

You should be talking
to the captain there.

Yes, come over here,
my boy.

I'll buy you a drink
and tell you my tale.

What'll you have?

Scotch and soda.

Then rum it is, innkeeper --
two glasses.

I reached woodstock on the
second day of the festival.

Janis was in all her glory.

No, captain.
Your skoora story.

Oh, yes.

Hey, it's all good.

I used to be the captain
of my own cruise ship.

You know,
it was the kind of boat

That folks went
for weddings, parties,

And all that kind of thing.

But on the night
in question,

It had been rented
for a prom.

Oh, the girls looked so lovely
in their dresses --

The boys such fine, little
gentlemen in their tuxedos.

Oh, they were all drinking
and dancing

And spiking the punch.

I was dizzy with delight

When suddenly...
My ship sank.

We all went into the water.

And then came skoora...

Picking us off one by one
by one by one...

Until only I was left.

And as he bore down on me,

He paused as if to say...

"What can I do?
I'm a shark. I eat."

And then he cut me
in half...

Cut me right in half!

My wife measured me.

I'm exactly half
my former length.

But as he swam away

With my lower extremities
dangling from his jaw,

I swear to god
he was crying.

Crying?!

Yes, crying.

Oh, to be sure,
he's a brutal k*lling machine.

But he shows more remorse

Than I've ever seen
in any human!

That's an amazing story.

Thank you.

Anyone else
with amazing stories?

Yes!
Yes! Yes!

I think they
were first.

I'm sorry.
I think they were first.

Jeffery and I
are marine biologists.

Yes, we came here to study
plant life in the bay area.

One day,
we were out swimming

When we came
across skoora.

But instead
of attacking us,

He beckoned us
to follow him.

You know, sort of motioning
with his head?

Like this.

So we followed skoora,

And he led us
to a beautiful undersea grotto.

It was filled
with his own art.

We felt that skoora
had really opened up to us.

Yeah, then he
tore into us...

Again and again!
Again and again!

Then when his belly
was filled with our hot flesh,

He suddenly stopped.

Yeah, I remember that.

Remember, jeff?

And filled
with self-reproach,

Began to throw himself
against the walls of the cave...

And left us alive.

We'd be better off dead.

Better off dead.

But he just didn't have
the heart to do it.

The teeth,
but not the heart.

You know...i don't think
that there's a man,

Woman, or child --

And that includes
the young hundlebees here,

Celebrating their honeymoon
this weekend --

Bravo!

...who hasn't been touched --

Oh, and horribly mutilated --
by skoora, the gentle shark.

[ Thunder crashes ]

That's incredible.

Tell me.

Have you people ever thought
of hiring someone

To k*ll the shark --
a shark k*ller?

What?!
What?! What?!

Have you completely
missed the point, man?!

Have you missed
the point?!

He can't help it.
It's his nature.

He's a shark.

Yes, would you k*ll
the birds for singing?

Huh?!
Would you?!

Would you poison
the fish for swimming?

Huh?! Huh?!

Would you sh**t the children
for laughing?

Would you?

They're just
children.

Answer!

No! I guess not.
I wasn't thinking.

No, I guess you
weren't thinking.

I guess thinking wasn't what
you were up to at the moment.

Well, I'll show you
to your room then.

Skoora!!

Kevin:
oh! Oh, my god!

[ Screaming ]

Oh, my god!

Skoora is eating
the innkeeper!

And...how is skoora
taking it?

Not very well.

Oh, god.

[ Sobbing ]

♪ Skoora ♪

♪ Skoora ♪
♪ skoora ♪

Sing!

All: ♪ skoora,
the gentle shark ♪

♪ Skoora, skoora ♪

♪ He's a k*ller
with a broken heart ♪

♪ Don't blame him ♪

Both:
♪ he blames himself ♪

♪ Don't hate him ♪

All:
♪ he hates himself ♪

♪ Skoora, skoora ♪

♪ Skoora, the gentle shark ♪

[ Thunder crashes ]

Skoora!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Mid-tempo rock music plays ]