01x13 - Episode 13

[bunniefuu]

[ Light jazz music plays ]

You want something
for nothing?!

Go to hell!

'Cause it's all about this,
my friend.

You don't got this,
you got squat!

Hey, shut up, man!
Shut up!

Gotta have these.
Shut up!

Money in the bank.

This has always been
a lonely city.

I know it.

These are the signs
of loneliness --

One-man drinking contests...

Hookers working for free...

Any bachelor on a bar phone.

I think
you should come down.

I think you should,
yeah.

Why?

B-because it's happy hour,
that's why.

But what really gets me
is babies eating alone.

[ "Having an average weekend"
plays ]

My god,
what a thing of beauty.

Great handshakes.

Gerald!

Mr. Tolson, how are ya?
Pretty good.

Listen, uh,
I'm sorry I'm late.

You know,
uh, traffic.

[ Both laugh ]

Right.
Yeah, traffic.

Yeah, try that on me,
huh?

You're right. That excuse
you gave me works great.

Yeah, doesn't it, though?
Doesn't it, huh?

So, why were you late,
anyway?

Traffic.

Wow!
Life imitates excuses.

Incredible!

Yeah.

Well, anyway,
look out here, gerald.

There's a sea
of businessmen.

The ripples and eddies
you catch with your eye,

Those are
the important guys.

The name of the game
is networking.

Businessmen meeting
other businessmen

For the purpose of meeting again
at a later date.

Do you understand?
Networking.

Now, but you gotta be cool.
See that guy?

He's trying way
too hard.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah, all right.
So...don't blow it!

I won't.

Just be cool, all right?
Okay, here we go.

[ Clears throat ]
tony!

Gerald.

How are ya, man?
Pretty good.

Good to see ya.
Good to see you, sir!

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Look, this is the guy
I was, uh --

This is the guy
I was telling you about.

Well, I would have
told you about

If I had been able to get you
on the phone.

Oh, yeah?
I was on the other line.

[ Both laugh ]

Good to see ya.

What's your name?

Uh, nick.

Nick.
What do you do, nick?

Well, I'm, uh,
just starting out.

Super.

That's a great way
to break in.

Yeah, well, I hope to break in
and get hot.

That's a great idea.

Hope to see you on
a mailing list someday.

Great.
See ya then!

Okay!

Listen, I'm gonna stand
a few feet away.

Sure, tony.
Sure, sure.

Wow!
What'd I tell ya?

Bet he can do something
for me someday.

Hey, well, he knows you.
Can that hurt?

No way.

Now we're...
Both: networking!

You're right. You're right.
You're right.

Holy cow!

That is a merger!
That's a merger.

Oh, there's another guy
I know!

Hey, kutzka!
Kutzka, come over here!

Kutzka, come here.
Come on!

Hey, this is the guy
I was telling you about!

Come here!
Kutzka, come here!

Don't leave me standing here.
Come here!

Put that down!
Come here!

Okay, maybe later.

Real important guy.
Very busy.

Player --
definitely a player.

Do you think he can do something
for me someday?

Well, he saw you.
Can that hurt?

No, it can't.
No, it can't.

Hey, there's a lot of buzz
that you're hot

Even though
you're just starting out.

Yes,
I believe that I am hot.

Well, you're gonna be needing
one of these then.

It's a business card.
Take it.

So...jerry...

Um...

Do you like
professional sports?

Ha!
By god, I do!

Yes, indeed!

Why, I cheer for all
the local teams.

Really?

They're not as good
as they used to be, I hear.

Nothing's as good
as it used to be.

Except money!
Money!

[ All laugh ]

Gerald, how are you?

I'm the hot guy.

Lopez!

Lopez!

Lopez!

Lopez!

Lopez!

[ Honking ]

Hey, need a lift,
chubby?

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Well, jump on in, fatso.

So, where you headed,
lumpy?

Where's a great fat thing
like you off to?

Well,
I'm going to kitchener,

But you could drop me off
anywhere that's convenient.

So...what's a big lump of lard
doing in kitchener, huh?

What's a town
like that have to offer

A wide-ass, -ton hunk
of humanity like yourself?

It's a small town.
You sure you'll fit?

That's what I'm worried about --
will you fit?

So I gotta ask,
why kitchener,

Huh, you walkin', talkin'
sebaceous gland?

Well, I have some family there,
so I might stay for a while.

Ooh, so the family fat's having
a fat family reunion, huh?

The whole flabby clan gathered
together in the front yard

To play lawn darts on wobbly
thighs, is that the idea?

Am I painting an accurate
portrait of this spectacle, huh?

Oh, my god!
There's an elephant in the car!

Rogue elephant!
Rogue elephant!

Save the children!

Oh, it's just you.

Boy, boy, am I hungry.

You know, I guess I haven't had
anything to eat

In about, uh...an hour.

You ever done that?

Have you ever gone a whole hour
without eating?

Guess not -- not a man of
your remarkable girth.

Boy, are you fat!

I'm not fat!

I used to be fat,
but I lost pounds.

That's why I'm leaving
this town.

I'm tired of being thought of
as the fat guy.

I'm gonna start a new life
at a new weight in a new town.

I'm not fat!
I'm never gonna be fat again!

[ Tires screeching ]

Get the hell out of my car,
fatso!

Come on, drag your cavernous
stretch marks outta my car!

I'm not fat!

Yeah, go shout it
from the mountain!

Wait a minute.
You are the mountain!

God,
I hate fat people!

I hate what it says
about their personality.

Would you look
at that truck?

Hey, why don't you get
that fat thing off the road,

You fat bastard?!

[ Honking ]

Jeez!

Lopez!

You in there, lopez?

Lopez!

[ Rock-'n'-roll music plays ]

I'll have a chocolate
glazed donut.

I'll have a maple donut.

I'll have a coconut donut.

Oh,
I'll have a plain donut.

Have I said maple yet?

Yeah.

Better make that
two maples.

Look at you...

You human crap-holders!

Your wrinkled faces wolfin' down
wrinkled crullers!

Sittin' there, waitin' for
the donuts to turn day-old!

You're losers!
Losers!

Go home!

Go home to your hot plates
and your dying cats!

You're all hamsters
on a treadmill --

Running, using oxygen,
giving back nothing!

If I were you, I would --
hey, hey, hey!

You better stop before you say
something you'll regret.

Okay, yeah.
You're right.

I'll have a glazed
cruller donut.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

I can't believe
that mike is gone.

He was my best friend
for years.

I was his best man
when he married monica.

I'm the godfather to their
-year-old child, little donny.

God, monica and little donny
don't even know yet

That mike is dead...

k*lled by a lamp.

Poor, unselfish mike knew
that their living room

Was one lamp short
of being perfect,

So he was gonna go out

And buy them the best lamp
there ever was.

So we went to that famous store,
lamp paradise,

Where they sell the best ones
in the city.

After looking around
for a half hour, unhappy,

We were about to leave,

When suddenly mike glimpsed
the lamp of his dreams.

A -pound baby
that was seven feet high.

A lamp for god.

But mike made
his last mistake

When he asked the clumsy
salesman with fingers missing

To reach up
and get it for him.

Seven seconds later,

Mike was dead,
smothered by a -pound lamp.

And now I have to call monica
and tell her.

This is gonna be hard!

How do you tell someone
the love of their life is gone?

How do you tell someone

They have to raise their little
child all by themselves?

Oh, god,
this is gonna by hard!

Hi, monica?
Hi, this is barry.

Hi, monica. Oh, my day was fine.
How was yours?

Oh, you went shopping.

Oh, you bought
a bicycle-built-for-two

For you and mike.

Yeah,
I think that's romantic.

Irony!

So, monica, i-i actually have
something to tell you.

Uh, monica, well,
it's about mike, yeah.

Well, you see, monica, um, well,
you know, it goes like this.

You know lamps and mike.

Well -- well, you know,
i-i-it's something like this.

Well, um, you know,
you know, you know, monica.

Um, uh, well,
um, uh, uh, uh --

Could I speak to little donny,
please?!

Can I speak to little donny?
Thank you, monica.

Hi, little donny?
Hi, how you doin', kid?

It's your uncle barry.
How's it goin', tiger?

Good you hear it, good --
donny, your daddy's dead!

He's dead, donny!
He's dead!

He was hit by a very,
very big lamp!

Yes, donny, he's dead!

When you get off the phone,
you go and tell your mother.

Thank you very much.

Now, donny, do you understand
what "dead" means?

Right.
Right. Exactly.

Like your goldfish
last summer,

The one that mom buried
in the backyard.

You're never gonna see
your daddy again.

I can't believe he's gone!
I can't -- what?

Y-yeah, donny,
i-i-i guess you're right.

Death is a stark inevitability
of life.

I can't believe he's --
huh?

Yeah, I guess your father would
want us to put a happy face on

And go on with our lives.

I-i-it's just that --
good point, donny. Good p--

Really? Sartre said that?
I always thought it was plato.

You know, actually, donny,
you're taking this very well.

I mean, you're a very well-read,
mature young man.

Actually, I wish my employees
at work were more like you.

Well, they don't respect me,
donny. No, no.

You know, I hear their jokes
behind my back.

When I call them
in their offices,

They put me on hold
for no reason at all.

You only get back
what you give?

Yeah, I've hear that before,
don.

Treat them with respect,
they'll treat me with respect.

I'm also having problems
with my parents.

They're in their s now

And I think it's time for them
to go to a home,

But they're whining about it,
and --

Oh, there's someone
on the other line?

Yeah, sure, I'll hold.

Lopez!

You're a lazy man, lopez!

Uh-huh.

[ Patting on leg ]

♪ Lopez is a lazy man ♪

♪ If anyone can sleep through
the day and miss his work ♪

♪ That lazy lopez man can ♪

[ Laughs ]

Lopez!

You just gonna take that?

Lopez!

[ Rock-'n'-roll music plays ]

John, you are going!

No, I'm not!

They are your great-aunts, and
they need a fourth for bridge.

I don't care.

John, they look so forward
to your visits,

And they have not seen you
for a week!

Do you know what that means
to a woman in her s?!

Mom, I'm sorry,
but I've already made plans.

You should have
asked me first.

I can't hear you, john!
I'm not going!

I can't hear you, john!
I'm not going!

I'm deaf, john!
No, I'm not going!

You've made your mother deaf.
I hope you're happy!

Not going!
[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, lord.

Hello.

Hello.
Is john home?

Yes.

May I speak to him?

He's not feeling well.

Maybe you should come back
some other time.

Ma, is that for me?!

Yes!

Teenagers, they bounce back
so quickly.

[ Chuckles ]

Yes, I know.
I have three of my own.

Oh, do you?

Lakshmi, hi!
Come on in.

Great!

What?

Oh, lakshmi,
this is my mom.

Mom, I'd like you to meet
lakshmi.

So nice to meet you,
mrs. Macabee.

Well,
pleased to meet you...too.

Now, john...

What -- what are you --
what is this?

Is this your idea
of making the bed, john?

Mom,
I'll replace the sheets.

Well, that's hardly the point,
john.

Well, we better get
a move on, eh,

If you want to get the best deal
on those betel nuts.

Ah, yes!

Parbati will be
at the market today,

And she's ruthless when
there's a bargain to be had.

Par-ba-tee?

John, can I talk to you
for just a second?

No, mom, I'd love --
just a moment, john.

No, I'd love to chat.
I'm in a big hurry, okay?

Don't worry. I'll be back as
soon as the market closes, okay?

Well, that's fine.

Nice to meet you,
mrs. Macabee.

Well, a pleasure.

Okay, we're off.
All right, well, bye.

Oh, mom, by the way,
I'm becoming an indian woman.

See ya!

[ Door closes ]

What to do, what to do...

Oh!

[ Sitar plays ]

[ Speaking indian language ]

$ .

Ooh, look at this one!

Just try it on.
Try it on?

Yes. Okay.

Oh.

Oh, thank you.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

[ Shouting in indian language ]

Okay?
Okay!

Let's go.

Come on!

[ Mooing ]

Go, go, go!

Come back here!

So, you see, sir,
now that your daughter

Has finally become
an indian woman,

She is at last eligible
for marriage,

And with your kind permission,
I would like to marry her.

Well, well, well.
[ Clears throat ]

Haji!

Johnny!

Oh!

I made my proposal.

Really?
Oh, god!

Well, isn't he great?

John...

Your father has something

That he would like
to say to you.

Isn't that right, tom?
Huh, tom, isn't that true?

Good, father.

Oh, would you look
at the time?!

Tell you what, haji,

Why don't you go back
to your fine, dusky people

And leave johnny here
with us?

There's an idea!

Is that a good idea
or what?

Hold it.
Haji, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for their
boorish behavior.

It's only bound
to get uglier.

Why don't you go home
and wait for me,

And I'll call you later,
okay?

I apologize
for their piggishness.

Okay,
what's up your butt?

Okay, john, we all know
what's happening here.

You're rebelling.

No, I'm not rebelling.

That's fine.
Rebel, john.

But couldn't you rebel like
your friend bob burkhart?

He's got himself a lovely
little drug habit.

Yeah, yeah...

That's a great idea.

Tell you what, son,
we'll smoke a little grass,

Go outside, and play
a little touch football.

No, no, no.

Come on, go long.
Go long. Go for six.

Come on, make me proud.
Buttonhook, kid.

Come on, here we go.
Here we go. Go on!

Come on!

Have an eye, son!

That was a catchable ball!

I don't even play football!

Who are you?!
Huh?!

What is this?
What is with that dot?!

That's what I wanna know.

It's my third eye.

It's to see inside myself.

In this family, if you wanna
see inside yourself,

You get a friggin' x-ray!

Mom and dad...

Ever since I was young,
I've always known one thing --

I like wearing sheets.

Oh, dear!

Becoming an indian woman seemed
the obvious solution.

You're not listening to me!

I can't hear you.
I'm deaf.

Ohh!

And I can't hear you
'cause I'm dead!

k*lled your dad,
k*lled him dead.

That's right.

Dad --
dad, you're not dead.

I am, too.
I might look okay now,

But once the shock wears off,
I'm a dead man.

You're not dead!

Ah -- ah --
I'm dead.

Well, there's no pulse, and
since your dad's not a yogi,

I assume
that means he's dead.

Now, I'm sorry to be
so emotional, son...

But it's just that I think
he was a good man

And he deserved better.

Mom, I'm a hindu now,

And this may be
small consolation,

But I know that dad will return
in the next life to get even.

[ Sitar plays ]

Lopez!

Lopez!

I know you're in there,
lopez.

Hey, lopez,
where's the fire?

Lopez!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!
Aaaaaah!

[ "Having an average weekend"
plays ]

Fire! Fire!

Lopez, get out!

[ expl*si*n ]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Help! Help!

Lopez!
Lopez, get out!

Help! Fire!

Lopez! Lopez!

Help!

Lopez!

Lopez!

Lopez! Lopez!

Lopez!

Lopez!

Lopez!

Lopez!

Lopez!